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Illness and Asexuality


SilverFlower

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Hello to all my AVEN friends.  I found this forum and posted a bunch enthusiastically here back in June and July and then kind of dropped off the map.  I guess that happens a lot in forums as people decide something is not for them and move on.  I wanted you all to know that this was not the case for me.

 

My life has had some rather serious upheavals in the past couple of months.  The breast cancer I thought I had long since beaten (10 years ago) has come back for a rematch.  Damn.  The medical care where I was living in Hawaii was not really up to speed so I rather hurriedly picked up and moved the entire kit and caboodle of my life back to California where I grew up.  August and September were a whirlwind of sorting and packing and shipping stuff on the Hawaii end and then looking for a place to live, moving stuff in, buying new stuff and getting settled on the California end.  I finally feel like I can breathe now.

 

My cancer treatment is already underway with one chemo three weeks ago and the second one tomorrow.  The side effects so far have not been that horrible, some dashes to the loo and hair thinning and just generally feeling tired but the treatments as I recall from ten years ago, seemed to be cumulative so we shall see.  Thoughts, prayers, good vibrations etc. sent to the deity or universal life force of your choice would be much appreciated.  I am in for a bit of a bumpy road in the next few months.

 

The people that I have told about my lack of interest in sex and who then have heard about my cancer recurrence have all said, "AHA!  So, that was why you stopped being interested in sex.  It was your body being busy fighting off the cancer", as if they were Sherlock Holmes and had just figured out whodunnit.   

 

Hmmmm.  Maybe.  Possibly.  But that still pre-supposes that asexuality is, if not pathological itself, at least symptomatic of some underlying pathology.

 

What do you all think?  Have you ever had people try to "diagnose your ailment"?

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TheLittleRabbit

While diseases can certainly have an effect on your libido(how much you desire sex), it would be extremely improbable for a disease to change someone's sexuality(who they are attracted to sexually).

 

So while an allosexual person may lose interest in sex possibly due to cancer, depression, or any number of other health issues, cancer cannot turn a heterosexual person into an asexual.

 

That being said, once you're openly asexual, you'll have "well meaning" friends trying to blame your asexuality on all types of things.  To keep these things in perspective, I find it best to ask yourself, "Would this be an appropriate thing to say to someone of any other sexual orientation?"  If the answer is, "No," it is also inappropriate to say to someone who is asexual.

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straightouttamordor

My thoughts and prayers are with you !  Get well soon !  No, I don't think being Asexual is hormonally based. I mean you know you like no one else can and word is the first and last on the matter. My sister in law made it thru breast cancer, she is in remission. It was her first. She had a double mastectomy but she made it fine. My neice is only 7 so I was so glad.

Hope you have some close friends and family to support you !

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straightouttamordor
11 minutes ago, prib23 said:

My thoughts and prayers are with you !  Get well soon !  No, I don't think being Asexual is hormonally based. I mean, you know you like no one else can and your word is the first and last on the matter. My sister in law made it thru breast cancer, she is in remission. It was her first. She had a double mastectomy but she made it fine. My neice is only 7 so I was so glad.

Hope you have some close friends and family to support you !

 

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14 minutes ago, SilverFlower said:

What do you all think?

Hmmm well a lot of drugs and illnesses themselves do cause a total loss of interest in sex. In the case of some medication they have actually found it can permanently alter sexual functioning even once meds have been finished and the illness is gone! so if you loved sex then lost interest after you started medication, those people could potentially have a point that it's medically induced. However all you really need to ask yourself is if you were perfectly healthy, no cancer, no meds, etc, would you want sex? If the answer is no, and you never wanted sex prior to your illness, then yes that's definitely asexuality!

 

3 minutes ago, TheLittleRabbit said:

While diseases can certainly have an effect on your libido(how much you desire sex), it would be extremely improbable for a disease to change someone's sexuality(who they are attracted to sexually).

Just to clarify, that whole 'sexual attraction' thing is generally integrally tied in with who you desire sex with when it comes to defining an orientation. If someone loses all interest in partnered sex as a result of medication, that can also extend not wanting to have sex with anyone specific. So it may SEEM that person is 100% asexual because they just don't want to have sex with anyone no matter how 'hot' that person is, but for example if they're sexual and went off the meds/got super healthy etc, there is a high chance that desire would come back very fast along with however one is defining attraction. Meds can literally suppress all of that under some circumstances. Some sexual people have experienced exactly what asexuality feels like when going on certain meds though, if you read through Drugs.com reviews for certain meds you'll see a lot of that (like for example, a wife who loves having sex with her husband then going on meds and losing all sexual interest in him and in sex in general. Then it comes back when she goes off the meds. Even something as basic as stress can cause that to happen for a time!) So I do see why it's valid for someone to question whether the lack of desire may be a direct result of the meds as opposed to asexuality, but at the same time they should also question whether you were like that BEFORE the meds/illness. If you were asexual all along, then obviously it's got nothing to do with the meds!!

 

I'm sorry to hear about your illness @SilverFlower and I hope you feel better soon, good luck!!

 

 

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RiseOfCourage

Hi Silver flower! 

Sorry about the things happening, virtual ((hugs)) and loving thoughts to you. 

Zany conclusions your friends are jumping to. Cancer definitely doesn't change one's orientation or "aceness."

My breast cancer meds have caused dryness and forced menopause, but the illness itself never influenced my Ace side. (Have been that way all my life, waaaay before I ever got cancer)

I can't fathom one's innate asexuality being associated with pathological influences.

However, some ailments and their treatments can cause temporary sexual changes. Many fellow patients who are sexual cease having sex during treatment- their interest drops for a while. They rebound after the side effects wane.

But if you're asexual to begin with......yep, will likely still be the same no matter what.

Oddly, because of so many scans, tests, labs, etc. during the course of treatment (my tumors are hard to treat & highly aggressive) the docs found my breast cancer has receptors that are more like prostate cancer. It's testosterone based, though I'm female by birth. Too much androgens naturally in my system. This might explain why some folks are, what's the label, gender fluid or bigender?? It certainly explains why I'm build like a dude, gain muscle easily, unwittingly act like a dude, while still having a vagina. My ovaries have been acting like testes.  Now I know! It's biological! Neat...and crazy.

Anyways. Glad you're here. Hang in there with that chemo big sis' am right there with ya:D

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59 minutes ago, SilverFlower said:

Hello to all my AVEN friends.  I found this forum and posted a bunch enthusiastically here back in June and July and then kind of dropped off the map.  I guess that happens a lot in forums as people decide something is not for them and move on.  I wanted you all to know that this was not the case for me.

 

My life has had some rather serious upheavals in the past couple of months.  The breast cancer I thought I had long since beaten (10 years ago) has come back for a rematch.  Damn.  The medical care where I was living in Hawaii was not really up to speed so I rather hurriedly picked up and moved the entire kit and caboodle of my life back to California where I grew up.  August and September were a whirlwind of sorting and packing and shipping stuff on the Hawaii end and then looking for a place to live, moving stuff in, buying new stuff and getting settled on the California end.  I finally feel like I can breathe now.

 

My cancer treatment is already underway with one chemo three weeks ago and the second one tomorrow.  The side effects so far have not been that horrible, some dashes to the loo and hair thinning and just generally feeling tired but the treatments as I recall from ten years ago, seemed to be cumulative so we shall see.  Thoughts, prayers, good vibrations etc. sent to the deity or universal life force of your choice would be much appreciated.  I am in for a bit of a bumpy road in the next few months.

 

The people that I have told about my lack of interest in sex and who then have heard about my cancer recurrence have all said, "AHA!  So, that was why you stopped being interested in sex.  It was your body being busy fighting off the cancer", as if they were Sherlock Holmes and had just figured out whodunnit.   

 

Hmmmm.  Maybe.  Possibly.  But that still pre-supposes that asexuality is, if not pathological itself, at least symptomatic of some underlying pathology.

 

What do you all think?  Have you ever had people try to "diagnose your ailment"?

Hugs......sending you energy for a perfect healing if you dont mind

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I hope all goes well with chemo and everything and you will be in my thoughts and prayers! As for someone "trying to 'diagnose'" my asexuality, my mom just yesterday mentioned that I should go to a therapist to "fix" me. It's ridiculous and annoying when this happens, so I'm also sorry you're dealing with idiots (I guess technically they're all just uneducated/ ignorant, but I like the word) while also battling cancer. 

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1 hour ago, TheLittleRabbit said:

once you're openly asexual, you'll have "well meaning" friends trying to blame your asexuality on all types of things.  To keep these things in perspective, I find it best to ask yourself, "Would this be an appropriate thing to say to someone of any other sexual orientation?"  If the answer is, "No," it is also inappropriate to say to someone who is asexual.

Good point, Little Rabbit.  Like "well meaning" people who want to pray the gay away or somehow "explain" you being gay on a childhood trauma.  It doesn't need explaining or fixing.

1 hour ago, prib23 said:

My thoughts and prayers are with you !  Get well soon !  No, I don't think being Asexual is hormonally based. I mean you know you like no one else can and word is the first and last on the matter. My sister in law made it thru breast cancer, she is in remission. It was her first. She had a double mastectomy but she made it fine. My neice is only 7 so I was so glad.

Hope you have some close friends and family to support you !

Thank you, prib, and hugs to your sister in law.  Yes, the support network was another reason for moving my treatment and my life back here to my home town.

1 hour ago, FictoVore. said:

Hmmm well a lot of drugs and illnesses themselves do cause a total loss of interest in sex. However all you really need to ask yourself is if you were perfectly healthy, no cancer, no meds, etc, would you want sex? If the answer is no, and you never wanted sex prior to your illness, then yes that's definitely asexuality!

Some sexual people have experienced exactly what asexuality feels like when going on certain meds though, So I do see why it's valid for someone to question whether the lack of desire may be a direct result of the meds as opposed to asexuality, but at the same time they should also question whether you were like that BEFORE the meds/illness. If you were asexual all along, then obviously it's got nothing to do with the meds!!

 

I'm sorry to hear about your illness @SilverFlower and I hope you feel better soon, good luck!!

 

 

Thank you, FictoVore.  Yes, chemo meds, hair loss, digestive upsets etc. are definitely not sexy.  I'm trying to remember back to when my interest in sex disappeared.  It was probably about five years ago.  If I beat this thing and get all healthy again and my sex drive comes back then maybe my friends are right.  A science experiment of N=1.

57 minutes ago, RiseOfCourage said:

Hi Silver flower! 

Sorry about the things happening, virtual ((hugs)) and loving thoughts to you. 

Zany conclusions your friends are jumping to. Cancer definitely doesn't change one's orientation or "aceness."

My breast cancer meds have caused dryness and forced menopause, but the illness itself never influenced my Ace side. (Have been that way all my life, waaaay before I ever got cancer)

I can't fathom one's innate asexuality being associated with pathological influences.

However, some ailments and their treatments can cause temporary sexual changes. Many fellow patients who are sexual cease having sex during treatment- their interest drops for a while. They rebound after the side effects wane.

But if you're asexual to begin with......yep, will likely still be the same no matter what.

Oddly, because of so many scans, tests, labs, etc. during the course of treatment (my tumors are hard to treat & highly aggressive) the docs found my breast cancer has receptors that are more like prostate cancer. It's testosterone based, though I'm female by birth. Too much androgens naturally in my system. This might explain why some folks are, what's the label, gender fluid or bigender?? It certainly explains why I'm build like a dude, gain muscle easily, unwittingly act like a dude, while still having a vagina. My ovaries have been acting like testes.  Now I know! It's biological! Neat...and crazy.

Anyways. Glad you're here. Hang in there with that chemo big sis' am right there with ya:D

Thank you, RiseOfCourage.  That is interesting what they discovered about your ovaries.  I tend to be built like a dude too and put on muscle easily if I do gym training and I have been told by several male friends over the years that I "think like a dude" meant in a complimentary way.  I had a hysterectomy at 30 when they figured out that my uterus was deformed and prolapsed but they left the ovaries in.  Nobody bothered to check the ovarian function though.  Maybe that is why I never did any of the "girly" stuff growing up like playing with dolls or having princess tea parties and I have never had any of the "coo-chi-coo" type of urges to hold and cuddle other people's babies.  Hmmm.

50 minutes ago, Celticdruid said:

Hugs......sending you energy for a perfect healing if you don't mind

Thank you,CelticDruid.  I appreciate that.

25 minutes ago, sarahcasm said:

I hope all goes well with chemo and everything and you will be in my thoughts and prayers! As for someone "trying to 'diagnose'" my asexuality, my mom just yesterday mentioned that I should go to a therapist to "fix" me. It's ridiculous and annoying when this happens, so I'm also sorry you're dealing with idiots (I guess technically they're all just uneducated/ ignorant, but I like the word) while also battling cancer. 

Even extremely well meaning idiots who say stupid things only because they love you can be annoying. :)

 

 

All of you guys are the best.  I really appreciate all the support and understanding.  I came to this forum trying to figure out my "orientation".  I still don't have it all figured out but I feel supported and accepted while I fuddle through it and while I face this health challenge.  Thank you all.

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Well, two chemos down and four more to go.

 

I'm not feeling particularly perky but then I don't think anyone in Southern California is right now.  We are having a record breaking heat wave as some of you baseball fans might have heard.  Thankfully it is supposed to start letting up tomorrow.

 

My hair is coming out by the handfuls which sucks but is to be expected.  I've ordered some wigs in various colors and styles.  Might as well have some fun with this.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Jetsun Milarepa

Sorry to hear you're so unwell at the moment @SilverFlower, I do hope things improve very soon. 

As you know, you don't have to be asexual to get cancer and sexual people don't seem to notice that they suddenly become ace after the first round of treatment.

Crossed fingers for you and hugs.

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Thanks for the hugs, chandrakirti.  I had my third (of 6) chemo treatment today so halfway there.  You're right that such treatment is the opposite of sexy.

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