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Slowlydrowning

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Slowlydrowning

Hi. 

I had never heard of asexuality until a few weeks ago.

Having heard the term on Tele, I googled "is my wife asexual" and came across this site.

Having read some of the posts, I feel like a fog has lifted.

I am a sexual husband with what I now believe to be an asexual wife.

I have spent the last 4 or 5 years feeling depressed, pathetic, ugly, embarrassed, isolated guilty and increasingly distant from my wife. 

I have always thought that talking and openness is the way to a happy marriage, but it has gotten to the point that the subject of "what is it about me that turns you off", or "is there anything I can do to make you fancy me more" etc, has been brought up by me so many times that it now angers my wife if I try to talk to her about this.  I try not to bring it up with her now.

 

I often feel like, the situation has a massive negative impact on my life, but no impact on hers and she does not care about it.

 

I would be very embarrassed if any of my friends knew that my wife is not interested in me sexually so I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head with no output.

 

We have, what I believe is unspoken compromise sex, approx once a month which is often aborted due to what I would call "awkward clunkyness".  If she gets into it, she says that she enjoys it and from her reaction, I believe her, but this just makes it more confusing to me as to why she does not want to more often.

 

I am concerned that it will ultimately put a wedge between us.  I love her and except for this one issue we have a great relationship, (not to mention 2 lovely children). 

 

I use the gym as a coping mechanism which helps but I do not see it as a long term solution.  I have tried porn but this makes things worse.  I  would never consider an open relationship.  Are there any other coping mechanisms that people use?

 

I don't know what to do.

 

 

 

 

 

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Hi Slowlydrowning

 

Great description of how it used to feel for me at times. I just joined this thread today and added a post on the success stories thread. I had no idea so many people go through this and feel like it is , well just me!

 

My wife and I have been married 33 years. During the first few years I felt all the things you said in your post. Surely, the problem must be me. She does not find me attractive anymore. Have I grown two heads overnight? But then other women at work would be flirtatious with me. All so confusing.

 

Only after several years and some very open and honest discussions did I start to get it. I also thought she never thinks about, doesn't care and never tries to think about how I feel. Then I realized actually she thinks about it constantly, is tortured in a way that broke my heart and feared above all that it was hurting me.

 

I think the turning point for me was when I stopped trying to find a fault or understand what was wrong with us and simply (and unusually for us men) started to listen to her feelings. It took a long time for me to understand that she didn't need it resolved so much as she just wanted someone to listen. I found out that she was very embarrassed by the situation, totally uncomfortable talking about it, feared that I would leave her or have an affair, and felt a bit like a freak. It broke my heart to realize how self centered I had been. She was tortured inside and found it very hard to talk about it. Lots of wine and late nights talking into the wee hours over many years.

 

I realized that it is just who she is, part of her makeup and actually something that makes her special. I also realized that I had to make a decision. Just how important is it for me to feel attractive and to have sex? Compared to not having her company and love and guidance I decided actually it was not very important for me at all and I committed to stop making it such an issue.

 

I can't pretend it has been easy, far from it. At times I thought I might go mad being celibate. I am not saying one has to be celibate. She has often suggested I go elsewhere for sex, but I just could never do it. She might be okay with it but I would always feel as if I broke something. My hangup I guess. I do think we must make a hard decision to stay or go because indecision leads to mental torture for both. I am so glad I made the decision because we have had 33 years of laughter and adventure that I would not swap for the world. Sure, I miss sex and all that it means and I do still think about it, but it is no longer the elephant in the room. We talk about it openly now, make jokes, and move on.

 

I do believe that the key thing is to listen to your partner, to let her express how she really feels inside. It is heart breaking to realize that all those feelings of isolation and fear have been hidden inside for so many years. I am sure you will be blown away by how tortured she is inside.

 

 

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If she gets into it, she says that she enjoys it and from her reaction, I believe her, but this just makes it more confusing to me as to why she does not want to more often.

If she gets into it? Well, enjoyment and desire are two different things; so that explains why people can enjoy something yet not desire to do it. Everyone's had a food that tasted fine but just wasn't their thing. However, the fact that she hast to be into it sounds like she just has responsive sexual desire like a majority of sexual women do. Perhaps she requires more foreplay than average, but from your wording it does sound like she desires sex (when foreplay is enacted). To which, your issue is extremely common for sexual married couples and just means you need to learn how to "drive the car", and has nothing to do with asexuality but just the fact that male and female sexual function are two different things (for most of them).

 

Brb on coping mechanisms. But to put it simply, your strife is due to social/self constructs.

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On 24/10/2017 at 1:37 AM, Slowlydrowning said:

Hi. 

I had never heard of asexuality until a few weeks ago.

Having heard the term on Tele, I googled "is my wife asexual" and came across this site.

Having read some of the posts, I feel like a fog has lifted.

I am a sexual husband with what I now believe to be an asexual wife.

I have spent the last 4 or 5 years feeling depressed, pathetic, ugly, embarrassed, isolated guilty and increasingly distant from my wife. 

I have always thought that talking and openness is the way to a happy marriage, but it has gotten to the point that the subject of "what is it about me that turns you off", or "is there anything I can do to make you fancy me more" etc, has been brought up by me so many times that it now angers my wife if I try to talk to her about this.  I try not to bring it up with her now.

 

I often feel like, the situation has a massive negative impact on my life, but no impact on hers and she does not care about it.

 

I would be very embarrassed if any of my friends knew that my wife is not interested in me sexually so I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head with no output.

 

We have, what I believe is unspoken compromise sex, approx once a month which is often aborted due to what I would call "awkward clunkyness".  If she gets into it, she says that she enjoys it and from her reaction, I believe her, but this just makes it more confusing to me as to why she does not want to more often.

 

I am concerned that it will ultimately put a wedge between us.  I love her and except for this one issue we have a great relationship, (not to mention 2 lovely children). 

 

I use the gym as a coping mechanism which helps but I do not see it as a long term solution.  I have tried porn but this makes things worse.  I  would never consider an open relationship.  Are there any other coping mechanisms that people use?

 

I don't know what to do.

 

 

 

 

 

@Slowlydrowning! I feel and share your pain. I am in a situation like yours. I want sex. She found out, after 10+ years, that she never actually wanted it. It can be nice and sometimes when we are doing it, she "needs" me to continue, to finish my job, so to speak. It just never flyes in on her radar and she could easily live without it ever again. Sometimes it is better if all the sexyness is taken out of the equation and it is just like a massage with a happy ending. We put sex in a schedule, so she doesnt have to worry about my hugs turning into foreplays. And the schedule means that I know, when not to expect sex and can look forward to next session. 

I need sex, and have moved from "i dont want sex, unless you want it to" to "i dont want sex, if you will feel bad about it, but you need to try to let me help you leave your comfort zone for a while and hopefully enter it again during this intercourse. If it is to much then say stop, and i will respect it"

 

i fear for how it is going to evolve/dissolve. How many times has she done it, against her feelings, and how much of this is she carrying with her? If she says 'no more sex, thanks!', then I will work on it with her. Give her a period without and take it up again. If the result is the same, then I will say that i still require sex to be fully happy. ...but as I will not live on a lie, then i need to let her know. I do not think she will like me having partnered sex with someone else.

funny! But i am actually afraid of asking her, since i am afraid that she could also say, that this would be better for her!?

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However, the fact that she hast to be into it sounds like she just has responsive sexual desire like a majority of sexual women do. Perhaps she requires more foreplay than average, but from your wording it does sound like she desires sex (when foreplay is enacted). To which, your issue is extremely common for sexual married couples and just means you need to learn how to "drive the car", and has nothing to do with asexuality but just the fact that male and female sexual function are two different things (for most of them).

An asexual can find things they like about sex. Liking some things doesn't mean desiring it and she obviously doesn't desire it. 

 

Quote

I am a sexual husband with what I now believe to be an asexual wife.

I have spent the last 4 or 5 years feeling depressed, pathetic, ugly, embarrassed, isolated guilty and increasingly distant from my wife. 

I have always thought that talking and openness is the way to a happy marriage, but it has gotten to the point that the subject of "what is it about me that turns you off", or "is there anything I can do to make you fancy me more" etc, has been brought up by me so many times that it now angers my wife if I try to talk to her about this.  I try not to bring it up with her now.

If she is asexual, there are some things you will have to accept. She will never sexually desire you. That is something she can not change. With that said, just because she doesn't desire you that way, doesn't mean she does not love you or find you aesthetically attractive. As an asexual, there are plenty of people I find attractive, there is just no sexual pull towards them. She may very well find you the most handsome man she'd ever seen, her attraction just wont be sexual. 

 

Quote

I often feel like, the situation has a massive negative impact on my life, but no impact on hers and she does not care about it.

 

I would be very embarrassed if any of my friends knew that my wife is not interested in me sexually so I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head with no output.

 

We have, what I believe is unspoken compromise sex, approx once a month which is often aborted due to what I would call "awkward clunkyness".  If she gets into it, she says that she enjoys it and from her reaction, I believe her, but this just makes it more confusing to me as to why she does not want to more often.

 

I am concerned that it will ultimately put a wedge between us.  I love her and except for this one issue we have a great relationship, (not to mention 2 lovely children). 

If she doesn't realize that she is asexual, it may very well be that she doesn't understand how important sex is for you. Many asexuals, myself included, who did not know about asexuality, assumed that most people are similar to us. We assumed that sex is just some psychical act that some people do together that is of little importance. We didn't see sex as something people desired nor do we understand how it feels to be constantly denied sex. What you need is a long heart-to-heart discussion. If you are afraid she might dismiss me it, make it different from how you normally approach her. Emphasize the importance of this discussion. Tell her beforehand that there is something you both need to talk about, make sure the kids are either asleep or out of the way, have it with some wine or tea(or whatever you prefer), tell her not to interrupt you, and explain why the lack of sex is troubling you and that something needs to change.

 

If there is an unspoken compromise now than you have to make it spoken. You guys have to seriously talk compromise. You may want her to initiate more or have sex once a week instead of a month. Ask her what sexual acts she is most comfortable doing or start experimenting to find what she likes. She may prefer to have sex only on a certain day of the week, and all other days are sex free. Some asexuals respond favorably to scheduled sex because it takes the pressure off days they don't have to have sex. They can be as cuddly or affection as they want without the fear of sex being a result. You both have to decide on what will make you comfortable. It may not make either of you completely happy with the arrangement, but this should aim to make the most satisfaction. Sometimes, it takes experimenting to find out what you both are okay with so don't be surprised that you may have to alter the original compromise.

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I would be very cautious about making assumptions about her sexuality, regardless of how active (or inactive) her sex drive is. Sex drive, and the intensity of it, is something which changes throughout life, and can vary massively depending on all kinds of circumstances, illnesses, traumas, even just life situations. The issue here seems to be more one of a lack of communication on her part. I'd say, before drawing any kind of solid conclusion, keep in mind that this is something that could change depending on how much information she supplies you with. If she's actually enjoyed sex as you say, then this could simply be a temporary issue which could change. I'd encourage you to speak to her more. I think in many of these instances where one partner draws a conclusion about the sexuality of the other, it's almost more a matter that the other person "may as well" be asexual, just because they have very little ability to communicate or motivation to discuss honestly, and sort through problems causing that lack of desire when they aren't actually asexual in orientation at all. For creatures whose sexuality is absolutely subject to ups and downs throughout life, I think it's something which needs to be pinpointed properly before any big action is taken (like breaking up). 

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1 hour ago, AthenaFay said:

I would be very cautious about making assumptions about her sexuality, regardless of how active (or inactive) her sex drive is. Sex drive, and the intensity of it, is something which changes throughout life, and can vary massively depending on all kinds of circumstances, illnesses, traumas, even just life situations. The issue here seems to be more one of a lack of communication on her part. I'd say, before drawing any kind of solid conclusion, keep in mind that this is something that could change depending on how much information she supplies you with. If she's actually enjoyed sex as you say, then this could simply be a temporary issue which could change. I'd encourage you to speak to her more. I think in many of these instances where one partner draws a conclusion about the sexuality of the other, it's almost more a matter that the other person "may as well" be asexual, just because they have very little ability to communicate or motivation to discuss honestly, and sort through problems causing that lack of desire when they aren't actually asexual in orientation at all. For creatures whose sexuality is absolutely subject to ups and downs throughout life, I think it's something which needs to be pinpointed properly before any big action is taken (like breaking up). 

I agree communication (or the lack of it) is the problem here as much as lack of sex, but it sounds like the situation has been going on for four or five years at least, so I doubt it's going to spontaneously change; if it was physical or mental issues I think she'd be unlikely to get into sex when it happened and if it was relationship problems she probability wouldn't countenance sex at all. If it quacks like a duck then why not frame your responses as though it's a duck....

 

How might calmly sitting down with her away from any sexual context and asking her how she feels about sex in general, and how importance it is to her in a relationship go? It would come across as less accusatory and probability not fire up so much resentment or guilt, which could be what's triggering her anger.

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