Wondering about Asexuality

[Flipping hot curry]

Hi all, I am brand new to this board and this is my first post.  I am 48 and just now going through a divorce after 20 years together.  We have 3 kids (all school age) so at some point I obviously ‘did’ sex.  But honestly I mostly did so because I felt obligated. For the last four years that we were actually intimate I dreaded it every time.  Then 2 years ago we just stopped having sex and I was so relieved.  My husband however was obviously unhappy.  I though it was my age or my medications that were a factor and that I was somehow medically or psychologically broken, and of course so did all the docs I saw.  Tried hormones and other things but still did not want or enjoy sex.  The thing is I still have a lot of love for my soon to be ex.  And I have had many romantic crushes.  I’m on this board because I’m wondering if I’m just an asexual person. I don’t even like cuddling or kissing much.  Just rambling about my situation and grateful to find a place where I can talk to people who will understand.

[Brennarr]

Hi and welcome to the forums! I feel pretty similar to you about sex, I've had sex in a relationship just out of obligation. Personally I'm mostly just indifferent to sex, and that can make it uncomfortable and like a chore sometimes. Also romance is separate from sexuality. A person can be asexual and romantic or aromatic same as a sexual person. There is also the concept of Grey-Asexual for people who are somewhere between feeling sexual attraction sometimes, and not feeling it all. All these labels can be helpful, but it's important to remember sexuality is a spectrum and you shouldn't worry about finding one that fits you exactly as much as just finding what makes you happy.  

[celestialwhims]

Welcome to AVEN! There are many people here who will understand your situation well, so I'm glad you've found us. The asexuality spectrum is large, and you could fall just about anywhere on it. I would definitely say that you are asexual, as you stated that you had always felt like this, but you still participated in sex to either produce children or please your husband. Without a doubt, I'm sure you're three children are absolute blessings. There shouldn't be any regrets there. Still, it must feel like such a relief to have found yourself. Once you realise that it's not hormones or anything medical, that it's just who you are and that you're not broken, you feel so free to just be yourself.

 

Also, @Brennarr said it perfectly about the differences between romantic orientation and sexual orientation. You can still be heteroromantic, for example, but asexual. So, you could still be romantically attracted to men, still want to date and be close and form an intimate bond emotionally, but not necessarily physically. There is also demiromantic, which means that you need a strong emotional bond (usually friendship) with another person before there can be romantic feelings involved. Or you could enjoy platonic relationships more than romantic relationships. Friendships can be just as emotionally satisfying as romantic relationships, especially if you don't really care or are fond of kissing or cuddling or all that mushiness. It's a very, very broad spectrum, so take your time and explore everything there is to see around here. You don't need to immediately label yourself as one thing or the other, and remember: sexuality, much like gender, can be fluid. If your feelings change as you age, that's okay! You don't have to stick to what you feel like in this moment forever. You should enjoy what makes you happiest, and hopefully that means accepting who you are with confidence and love. Congratulations, and I wish you only the best from here. xx