Confessions of An Asexual Slut, 2nd Drink

[AVENguy]

When we last left our hero, he was commenting on the joys, woes, and complexities of finding committed, nonsexual relationships in a world that equates intimacy and sex. Eighteen long months have passed, let's see where he is now….

Why are all sexual people such fucking prudes?

Seriously, they're fine licking the inside of each others' faces or playing table tennis with their bodily fluids, but when it comes to actual balls-to-bone unadulterated nonsexual intimacy they're afraid to so much as show a little ankle.

Let me be perfectly clear here: when I say "intimacy" I'm not talking about when you stare into each other's eyes by candlelight and then "just" cuddle. I'm talking about vulnerability, about seeking out the most sensitive areas of your being and seeing what you can do with them. The things I've done with sexual people have been harder, faster, and more intense than any sex they've had in their life, because at the end of the day the sensitive bits in their pants are, at best, just a cushy metaphor for what's happening deeper down.

And they know it.

Let's back up and look at the big picture. Sexual folk come prepackaged with an annoying inclination to pretend that we asexual people don't exist. They start out denying the existence of our whole population, and when they get over that they like to deny our existence as potential partners. Some of the other theory dorks from the asexual community and I like to chalk this up to what we call the "sexual/nonsexual binary," the idea that pleasures, desires and relationships which are "sexual" are somehow different than pleasures, desires and relationships which aren't.

You can do a quick experiment to see what I'm talking about. Start telling someone about a close relationship that you're in, and create genuine ambiguity about whether the relationship is "just a friendship" or "something more." They'll start getting fidgety, eventually they'll interrupt you mid-sentence and demand to know if you and the party in question are bumping fenders, the same way they would if you started talking about a newborn baby and failed to mention the specifics of its genitalia.

Why? Because most sexual people can't think about relationships in any serious way without thinking about sex. To them capitol-r "Relationships" are in one category, "friendships" are in another and sex is the line that separates the two. They take one look at my (not unattractive) asexual ass and lament the fact that we will never be able to cross that line, writing me off as safely unable to reciprocate whatever desires they might feel.

It's almost kind of cute.

We covered this back in chapter one, but I reciprocate more desire than the barmaid at the Lusty Sailor Tavern on Whore Island. See, sex is never just about sex. Anytime someone feels a sexual desire for me there dirty little nonsexual desires just below the surface, struggling to get out. Desires for things like validation, safety, intimacy, power and release. They can pretend that these desires don't exist, that their need for sex is pure and untarnished by dirty little things like vulnerability. But repressing a desire will only make is stronger, and strong desire is just what this little barmaid likes.

Here’s the dirty little secret: By itself, sex is always boring. I’ve never known a sexual person, not one, who enjoyed sex simply because they like it when the penis goes in the vagina. At bars, clubs and drunken college parties people cruising for one-night stands are simply bubbling with nonsexual energy- self esteem issues, wanting to show off to their friends, wanting to prove themselves, wanting release, wanting to be close to someone without worrying about the inconvenience of keeping them that way. New couples are practically overflowing with the need to be affectionate, to make each other happy, to create intimacy and to avoid it, to assert and give up power over one another. Everyone who has sex has it for a reason. What’s interesting is when people STOP having a reason to have sex. When they’re not looking for anything, when everything in their relationship has been figured out and hums along of its own accord sex drops right out of the equation. It’s kind of like a bucket of water- the fluids are only gonna slosh around when something grabs the handle and starts shaking.

All my asexual slutlets reading this, listen up. Next time someone starts hitting on you or starts complaining about how much they need to get laid look at them out of the corner of your eye and squint. See past the sex, past the anxious horniness and the stress about bodies and the pent up tension, and get a good look at what’s shaking that bucket. Call it out. See what happens.

[141822]

I couldn't have put it better myself. You really put the sex isn't just about 'sex', it has other underlying pieces part into perspective.

I was recently informed that I have never had a bf because he's only a bf if you've slept with him for a week. And sure enough, just like you said, you get into a 'relationship' and everyone wants to know what you're doing in the bedroom. "Boxers or briefs?" oh I don't know, I've never seen him without pants. "What?!?!?"

[Wee_Little_Me]

That was beautiful! *tear* *throws roses*

Oh. Link to "chapter one"?

[ghosts]

http://www.asexuality.org/home/node/18

[BunnyK.]

I’ve never known a sexual person, not one, who enjoyed sex simply because they like it when the penis goes in the vagina.

Actually, I've been known to have sex for that exact reason. :oops:

[-V-]

That sounded fairly bitter. Not off the mark with respect to the vast vast majority of people but still bitter.

[Rem Akimichi]

They take one look at my (not unattractive) asexual ass and lament

*laughs* Oh, that's the best line ever. Seriously! XD

Lovely. Yes, it does sound a little bitter, but not badly so. We can all relate to the feeling, I think. Lovely!

[!]

that was an interesting take on things ^_^

"Why are sexual people such fucking prudes!?" :lol:

[Cygnus]

that was great

[M51]

Hey, I totally agree with all that, and respect BunnyK. I think that sexual desire such as what BunnyK describes is real and natural. But I also think sex has also become the emotional bandage that DJ has described in many - maybe even the vast majority - of cases. Kind of like I think some people are truly, 100% hetero, but the vast majority of people are some degree of bi and just in denial. I wonder how sexual the world would really be if everybody examined themselves for the hidden desires DJ is talking about.

But kudos to sexuals such as BunnyK who have examined their sexuality with enough of a critical eye that they know exactly why and how they like sex, and are able to distinguiush other forms of intimacy if necessary. I think sexuals would be less dismissive of asexuals if sex was JUST about the immediate physical/emotional sensations. I get the feeling that a lot of sexuals dismiss asexuality not so much because of the lack of sex, but because of the lack of everything else they think can only be achieved through sex.

Or, to put it another way, nobody mocks a man for not liking pizza. But if a man doesn't like sex, his identity as a man is suddenly questioned. This makes no sense unless you realize how much other stuff has been incorrectly tied to sex. Vitality, attractiveness, success, status, even a man's entire identity, somehow revolves around his wanting to stick his thingy into her thingy. It's crazy. And it goes for women, too, with slight cultural variation. If I am truly "ineffable" I am not really a woman, or I am not fulfilling my "role" as a woman. I must be unattractive. I must be useless.

So I think a lot of sexuals dismiss the possibility of the existence of true asexuals because to them lack of sexuality equates to lack of identity, and that lack of identity is caused by the confusion between sex and vulnerability and power and everything else that DJ was talking about.

[devious_princess]

this is one of the smartest things about sex i have ever read in my life. i see so many sexuals that see sex as just a fun thing to do on a boring afternoon and those are the same ones who shake their heads in wonder when i tell them i'm asexual. i wish i could get some of the people i know to read this, and stop thinking that they NEED sex, because i do hear that excuse and it's just so stupid. i also here people who assume that because i don't have sex, i can't love someone like they can, which i blame on that high school system of "save it til you love him girls", which while it makes sense, also sort of gives the impression that having sex brings you to a whole new level of love, one that can only be reached through the vaginal canal so to speak... (or you know, whatever else u might be into ;) ) anyway i just wanted to say yay for posting something that was so lovely and also made so much sense, and restored my faith in some of the more CRASS people i know...

[M51]

I would like to add some more thoughts related to DJ's idea of emotional prudery.

All my relationships have been somewhat fast and furious, because when I decide I am interested in a person I put my whole being into it. Sometimes things screech to a halt when the other person insists on getting sexual, but...that's not the point I am trying to make right now so we'll ignore that for a minute.

People I date get misled more often than I think normal into thinking that I am The One, and within a very short period of time, too. And they assume that I think they are The One, and I end up really hurting them. I have never figured this out until I read DJ's post and realized that maybe it is because I am so emotionally intense. I don't bandage over emotional intimacy with surrogates like sex - I embrace it and pursue it. I think when the person I am dating sees and feels this emotional intimacy they simply cannot comprehend it as anything but The One because everyone else holds back emotionally and uses sex as the sole means to express intimacy.

When I was younger they would push for the sexual intimacy to move as quickly as the emotional intimacy I kept pushing, because they were just so uncomfortable talking about their feelings or being truly affectionate with me unless they had poked me already. Somehow the two were absolutely necessary to each other in their minds. And sometimes, unfortunately, I would allow it to happen.

I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else but it is a new idea for me that I think I will try on for size. So now the question: do I hold back on building emotional intimacy, to avoid making them uncomfortable or to avoid making them think I want sex? Or do I continue to be emotionally intense and just try to explain to them as we go along?

[Hallucigenia]

I don't know how this exactly relates to previous posts, but it has to be said here.

BunnyK aside, some of us romantic sexuals are pretty dumb... we get into relationships that we like, and then we push things physically until there's a sexual connection (even if our personal morality prohibits actual sex acts) and then we assume, oh, well, we've got all this sexuality going, so we MUST be close to each other.

DUH! WRONG! :evil:

I don't mean to say that there's no emotional connection in such relationships. Often, such people really ARE very important to each other. It's more that emotional intimacy is de-emphasized because we're brought up with such a cultural assumption (and, to some extent, an emotional impulse from oxytocin) that, if you can share your body with someone, everything else follows. So, in a way, rather than actually being scared of emotional intimacy or something, it's more like we go after sexual intimacy as a way of securing emotional intimacy. It's just that it doesn't actually work that way in real life.

There's more I want to say about that but I can't articulate it well at the moment, and maybe some of it doesn't go on a public board.

For the moment, I'm just gonna join DJ in wondering what in the world would happen if us sexuals tried as hard to understand the nonsexual forces "shaking the bucket" as we do to understand the workings of the bucket itself...

[Virgo]

You articualte perfectly what I can only hope to put into words. Spot on!

[Wicked Freemartin]

Well, I feel like I've just been tarred with the prude brush. Let's be brutally honest here: Sexuals haven't cornered the market on emotional prudery. An asexual person (me, for example) is just as capable of turning her back on emotional intimacy as a sexual person. Maybe my prudery is just a little more visible since I also reject the physical aspects of intimacy. I don't believe that being asexual predisposes a person to *wanting* or being willing to be more (emotionally) intimate with another person. I have a clear line of intimacy that no one is allowed to cross. Personally, I have no desire to erase that line or lift it, not for anyone. And I am unanimous in that, to quote a certain person. So, while I admire and respect DJ for living so happily and contentedly while holding to his principles, they aren't, for me, principles that I want to aspire to.

-Wicked (Prude and proud!)

[AVENguy]

Prude and proud!

I love it!