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Remains of myself

Don't think I can handle a sexless future

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MrDane

Here is the advice: 

make the calculation together. What do you guys want. What do you need. Is it possible in this relationship? Yes/no? 

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Jewel Bright
On 10/12/2017 at 3:09 PM, Remains of myself said:

She has said that she doesn't mind having sex with me if I want it, but this misses the point - I need to feel desired and there is nothing erotic to me about having sex with somebody who doesnt really want to - what kind of monster would enjoy THAT?

I am asexual and my husband is very sexual. I just came out  a few weeks a go though we've been contemplating it for a few months.  If your wife is asexual, "not minding" having sex with you means that she really does want to have sex with you, I know it is not the message of the culture, but if she really means no, she needs to say no, and if she says yes, you need to trust her that yes is yes.

On 10/12/2017 at 3:09 PM, Remains of myself said:

am aware how selfish this all sounds and I honestly wish I could be as philosophical about this as some of the sexual partners of asexual people seem to be here - maybe sex shouldn't be this important to me,

It does not sound at all selfish. You are a sexual person. You are valid. You needs matter. Sex is a big deal in basically every relationship and adding the mis-matched orientation into the mix makes it even more complicated. Acknowledging what you need isn't selfish.  

 

On 10/12/2017 at 3:09 PM, Remains of myself said:

ps. If you think you are asexual and haven't told your sexual partner, go do so immediately!

I completely agree!!

On 10/12/2017 at 3:09 PM, Remains of myself said:

my father killed himself in his 50s and I sometimes think that fate awaits me -

This is a big deal. I am so sorry to hear this. Deep questions of identity and hopelessness can lead to truly dark places. Please reach out for extra help if things get bad.

 

Lastly, there is a book called "I fell in love with an asexual" that talks about the impact of a sexual-asexual relationship on the sexual partner which may be helpful to you. I found parts of it amazing, and other parts irrelevant (i.e. an open relationship is not possible for us)

You are not alone, even when you feel alone.

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TessaMe
On ‎10‎/‎12‎/‎2017 at 4:45 PM, Remains of myself said:

Thank you for your response. I am torn about the idea of counselling - firstly, because I am not convinced of its effectiveness in many situations. I fear it may just make things worse by defining our relationship in terms of its most (for me at least) problematic part. Secondly, if my wife is stating this is not about what she "does", but what she "is", I am reluctant to do anything which is about "fixing" her when it's not that she is defective, but that this is her identity. If she is exploring her identity and finding meaning in a particular label then I don't even feel I have the right to challenge that for selfish reasons.

I think the effectiveness will partly depend on finding the right counselor, specifically one who understands and believes asexuality is a thing and even better If they have experience with sexual/asexual couples. It's not so much that you're trying to "fix" her, rather, you're just trying to figure out the best way to make your relationship work.  Sometimes just having an outside party to mediate the conversation and add perspective might help turn up solutions you haven't thought of.  

 

On ‎10‎/‎12‎/‎2017 at 4:09 PM, Remains of myself said:

I'm so unhappy though and I genuinely fear for the future - my father killed himself in his 50s and I sometimes think that fate awaits me - that life will just grind me down and grind me down until living ceases to be an option

If you're still unsure about couples counseling, I would at least recommend looking into counseling for yourself if you're this upset. Again, I would look for someone who is familiar and accepting of asexuality so they have an understanding of who your wife is. It sounds like you've been through a lot with your past life, current job, and now with your friend leaving. It might be good to talk with someone to help sort things out.

 

Whatever you decide to do, don't feel bad for wanting sex in your relationship. You can't force a sexual to disregard sex any more than you can make an asexual want it. We are who we are, and we feel what we feel.

Best wishes.

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Jewel Bright
On 10/12/2017 at 4:13 PM, Remains of myself said:

My youngest child would care - he's only 4 and I couldn't leave him, thankfully my wife and I do have a genuinely loving relationship despite this issue - it's a happy household in the main - my parents divorced when I was not much older than him and I remember the confusion and pain so vividly - my earliest strong memory is being told they were separating - these repeating patterns in families both fascinate and horrify me. My eldest child is not by my wife anyway, though he is over every weekend, they are very close and she is so loving to him (tbh I think he'd be happier to never see me than lose her!). On every level I really fear a situation where I would have two children I only see at weekends - I love my family unit and tearing it apart just doesn't feel an option.

I have 4 children myself, and when things got the roughest, we had to take a reality check and say, "there are 3 choices: stay the same, leave the relationship, or commit to changes" The first 2 were not an option. Depression is real and damaging. ... It sounds like you recognize the reality of her situation to some degree, but you have to allow her to continue to determine and define her new identity. For you, though, you have to figure out what are the basics, what are the most important aspects of sexuality that you need met. (It seems absolutely reasonable that she stop "baby-talking" etc. the things that make you feel bad about sex, but she may be doing it sub-consciously because she feels shame or feels threatened or doesn't know how to say no.

 

Have you considered a schedule? IT helps a lot of asexuals not feel shame or threatened at the prospect or frequency of sex. 

I don't know ya'll you will have to figure out what works for you.

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Jewel Bright
1 minute ago, TessaMe said:

Whatever you decide to do, don't feel bad for wanting sex in your relationship. You can't force a sexual to disregard sex any more than you can make an asexual want it. We are who we are, and we feel what we feel.

yes. this is well said.

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Sally
12 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

 

Nobody should have sex unless they are really, absolutely sure that they want it.

There are various reasons why people have sex.  No  one has the right to tell anyone else under what circumstances they should have sex.  And I say that as an asexual.   Because I don't  want anyone to tell me what I should do with my (non)sexual  life.  

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Lara Black
On 12.10.2017 at 11:45 PM, Remains of myself said:

Thank you for your response. I am torn about the idea of counselling - firstly, because I am not convinced of its effectiveness in many situations. I fear it may just make things worse by defining our relationship in terms of its most (for me at least) problematic part. Secondly, if my wife is stating this is not about what she "does", but what she "is", I am reluctant to do anything which is about "fixing" her when it's not that she is defective, but that this is her identity. If she is exploring her identity and finding meaning in a particular label then I don't even feel I have the right to challenge that for selfish reasons.

Hello, Remains of myself.

It’s really a tough situation that you are in, and there is no easy solution. That’s why therapy might really help. First of all, therapists are very different, and some might try to “fix” your wife, but many others will work with the borders you give them – if that’s her identity, so be it. It would be a very questionable professional if they pushed you towards something that feels wrong for you just for the sake of “normalizing” you. So you can just go ahead and change shrinks at that point. And if you don’t want to subject your wife to that altogether, you can just go alone and work out your problems in this marriage.

It’s like going to a doctor – doesn’t always help, but in many cases the situation is much worse without it.

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Moonchaser

I'm an ace married to a sexual, and yes, as soon as I realized there was a name for it, I talked to him. But he really knew of the problem way before then, we both did of course, as when a couple's sex life is messed up, that's pretty obvious fairly early on. In a new relationship, the asexual compromising (and wondering why they don't enjoy sex as much as their partner) seems to kind of fix the problem, at least for the partner, to some degree. But when you think you're supposed to be getting used to it but you're not, you know something is going on. The partner knows as well, pretty early on, when the other finds excuses not to engage in sex, never initiates it, doesn't do the things they think they should, etc. 

 

So it's hard for me to believe anyone is unaware of there being an issue, well before they might have a name for it.

 

I guess that's why it confuses me to see people say, if you're asexual tell your spouse immediately. Yes, if you already know you're asexual, when you're dating I think you should tell the person as soon as it seems reasonable to talk about whether to have sex or not. But if you don't know that there's a word for it, and especially if you have no experience of sex, you're not going to be able to tell them anything, except that you're not experienced, and for some reason that seems sometimes to be attractive to people, that lack of experience. So this isn't a "you did this to me" thing, really. In most cases. Which is why I hate to see arguments arise about it. This is painful for everyone involved!

 

It seems to me the main questions are are 1) how should the couple in question handle this, and 2) if the answer is divorce, what about your child(ren)?

 

There are ways that couples compromise, though no one ever seems to be perfectly satisfied with that. Either the ace is having more sex than they're comfortable with, or the sexual partner is not having as much as they want. It's not ever going to be a perfect situation. So you have to decide as an individual and as a couple what you can live with, and whether there's a future for the relationship.

 

But I read in another thread a while back, when someone who was asexual talked to their doctor about it, that doctor said that one partner wanting more sex than the other was one of the two most common things he was asked about. Even between sexuals there can be a difference in what one wants. So I think that's important to keep in mind.

 

Also, among aces, there are some who are more willing to engage than others.

 

But I found that for me, as I got older I was less and less willing and able to engage in sex, which I found I wanted less and less. In fact when I hit menopause  it became just plain painful. So I would say that it's not realistic to think this situation is ever going to improve for the sexual partner.

 

Only you can know whether you can live with that. BUT one thing to consider, if your spouse was just as sexual as you and they suddenly had an illness or a disability that made intercourse impossible for them, would you stay with them? Isn't there a way to compromise and still have a level of intimacy that makes you both feel loved? I guess my point is, this isn't always necessarily an asexual problem. It could happen to any couple. What do couples do then? Well some stay together and some don't.

 

One thing I would encourage is not to reduce intimacy and cuddling just because you're not getting sex. You BOTH need intimacy, so that would just make it worse. Talk it over with her, Really, she and you are the ones who have to come up with an answer, if there is one. Maybe give her two weeks of the month when there is cuddling without any pressure of anything more, and give you two weeks of the month when you can expect some form of compromise on her part.

 

Another thing to keep in mind is how personal and delicate a subject this is. It's difficult to talk about sex, for most people. We get defensive, but if you feel your partner getting defensive in the discussion, or you start to feel defensive, acknowledge that as peacefully as you can, be considerate of the other's difficulty in discussing this. It's not easy for anyone.

 

If it does come to divorce, try to keep it as peaceful as possible, with as little impact on your child(ren) as possible beyond needing to spend time in different homes.

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MrDane

It is more easy to say than to act out, but...

one has to determine what to do by looking at the bottom line of your life situation and add and withdraw. Good experiences and bad. If the result is red numbers, then no-go. If the result is good, but not necessary all time good, then perhaps go-go! 

 

 

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Telecaster68
2 hours ago, Moonchaser said:

Even between sexuals there can be a difference in what one wants. So I think that's important to keep in mind.

 

...  if your spouse was just as sexual as you and they suddenly had an illness or a disability that made intercourse impossible for them, would you stay with them?

 

...  You BOTH need intimacy, so that would just make it worse.

So in general, and not specifically in this case... 

 

It's not about the frequency of the act. Differing libido levels between sexuals still means one is desired by the other, they just don't want sex so often. It can be a huge problem but it's different to a sexual / asexual relationship, where one partner just doesn't desire the other at all. Similarly with an ill partner - if the ill partner has a desire, there are very few illnesses short of quadriplegia that can't be worked around *if they want to* and I've read plenty of examples of this happening. And even when the frequency and variety and spontaneity takes a massive hit, the sexual partner is still desired. This is a fundamental and important difference. 

 

As for 'they still need intimacy': there are many many posts from asexuals on AVEN saying they actively dislike anything that most people would see as intimacy - cuddling, sleeping in the same bed, non sexual touching etc. and suggesting things like watching the sunset, gaming, or talking as being equivalent to touch and sex. For most sexuals, they're just not. Obviously some asexuals do like cuddling etc but needing physical intimacy in the non sexual sense really isn't a given for asexuals, even if they're not aromantic (and about half are). It's nothing to do with it leading to sex, they just don't like touching. 

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Moonchaser
7 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

So in general, and not specifically in this case... 

 

It's not about the frequency of the act. Differing libido levels between sexuals still means one is desired by the other, they just don't want sex so often. It can be a huge problem but it's different to a sexual / asexual relationship, where one partner just doesn't desire the other at all. Similarly with an ill partner - if the ill partner has a desire, there are very few illnesses short of quadriplegia that can't be worked around *if they want to* and I've read plenty of examples of this happening. And even when the frequency and variety and spontaneity takes a massive hit, the sexual partner is still desired. This is a fundamental and important difference. 

 

As for 'they still need intimacy': there are many many posts from asexuals on AVEN saying they actively dislike anything that most people would see as intimacy - cuddling, sleeping in the same bed, non sexual touching etc. and suggesting things like watching the sunset, gaming, or talking as being equivalent to touch and sex. For most sexuals, they're just not. Obviously some asexuals do like cuddling etc but needing physical intimacy in the non sexual sense really isn't a given for asexuals, even if they're not aromantic (and about half are). It's nothing to do with it leading to sex, they just don't like touching. 

If it was the original poster posting what you just said, I'd let it go, because he knows his situation better than I do.

 

Of course I'm making assumptions, but they are based on my experience as a romantic asexual in a marriage with a sexual partner. I don't think my assumptions are that far out there. Yes, many asexuals abhor intimate contact. My natural assumption here, with a woman who married and had children with her partner, and based on my own experience, is that she is not in that category. I think only the original poster can know whether I'm wrong, therefore I'm assuming you are just arguing to argue.

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Telecaster68

I was just highlighting what seemed to me to be unwarranted generalisations. 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
6 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

So in general, and not specifically in this case... 

 

It's not about the frequency of the act. Differing libido levels between sexuals still means one is desired by the other, they just don't want sex so often. It can be a huge problem but it's different to a sexual / asexual relationship, where one partner just doesn't desire the other at all. Similarly with an ill partner - if the ill partner has a desire, there are very few illnesses short of quadriplegia that can't be worked around *if they want to* and I've read plenty of examples of this happening. And even when the frequency and variety and spontaneity takes a massive hit, the sexual partner is still desired. This is a fundamental and important difference. 

 

As for 'they still need intimacy': there are many many posts from asexuals on AVEN saying they actively dislike anything that most people would see as intimacy - cuddling, sleeping in the same bed, non sexual touching etc. and suggesting things like watching the sunset, gaming, or talking as being equivalent to touch and sex. For most sexuals, they're just not. Obviously some asexuals do like cuddling etc but needing physical intimacy in the non sexual sense really isn't a given for asexuals, even if they're not aromantic (and about half are). It's nothing to do with it leading to sex, they just don't like touching. 

On top of that, for some sexual partners that intimacy can be like torture. 'Sensual' asexuals do exist, and I've met quite a few here (my asexual ex was one) but I've seen a number of posts here over the years where sexuals say things like 'the fact that she wants to snuggle and kiss makes it worse, because it's like laying a feast out before a starving man but not letting him eat it. He can smell it and touch it, but those things make him even hungrier and the one thing he can't do is eat the food, so you're only increasing his suffering'. I know my sexual ex would instantly want sex if I tried to show kindness through something as basic as a hug, so had to begin actively avoiding any kind of intimacy, even talking really, because anything even close to intimacy would make him want sex. Some other asexual partners on AVEN have voiced the same thing - having to actively stop attempting any kind of intimacy, no matter how much they desire it, because it makes things worse for their sexual partner/makes their partner think they are initiating sex. Obviously that's not the case for all sexuals, some could possibly be happy with some forms of intimacy but no actual sex (maybe?) BUT this is just another reason asexuals and sexuals are so incompatible on so many levels, not just when it comes to actually having sex or how often it's happening.

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Moonchaser
1 hour ago, FictoVore. said:

On top of that, for some sexual partners that intimacy can be like torture. 'Sensual' asexuals do exist, and I've met quite a few here (my asexual ex was one) but I've seen a number of posts here over the years where sexuals say things like 'the fact that she wants to snuggle and kiss makes it worse, because it's like laying a feast out before a starving man but not letting him eat it. He can smell it and touch it, but those things make him even hungrier and the one thing he can't do is eat the food, so you're only increasing his suffering'. I know my sexual ex would instantly want sex if I tried to show kindness through something as basic as a hug, so had to begin actively avoiding any kind of intimacy, even talking really, because anything even close to intimacy would make him want sex. Some other asexual partners on AVEN have voiced the same thing - having to actively stop attempting any kind of intimacy, no matter how much they desire it, because it makes things worse for their sexual partner/makes their partner think they are initiating sex. Obviously that's not the case for all sexuals, some could possibly be happy with some forms of intimacy but no actual sex (maybe?) BUT this is just another reason asexuals and sexuals are so incompatible on so many levels, not just when it comes to actually having sex or how often it's happening.

I was responding to the original post, which pretty obviously is about an asexual who doesn't mind being touched by her partner. If you read his post, it's pretty clear.

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Stoic_Rebuttal

Baaaack on topic, hey OP. I know those feels. I like to believe that I'm fairly average in terms of sex drive. My girlfriend however, is asexual. I think I lucked out in that she's not repulsed by sex, but rather completely indifferent to it. She's described sex as "just like washing the dishes". It's a chore for her, no more enjoyable than folding laundry, or taking out the trash. Judging from what you said:

On 10/12/2017 at 5:09 PM, Remains of myself said:

She has said that she doesn't mind having sex with me if I want it, but this misses the point - I need to feel desired and there is nothing erotic to me about having sex with somebody who doesnt really want to - what kind of monster would enjoy THAT?

...I am apparently that kind of monster. Haha. So, let me give you some advice on being a monster, sir. It's not so bad. In fact, from a certain point of view, it's amazing. At the risk of over-sharing, I can fully enjoy our sexual encounters because I know for a fact 100% that it's literally all about me. She's doing it for me, because she wants to bring me pleasure. Now, you better believe I appreciate the Hell out of her for that. Now while I can't give her an orgasm (as hard as I tried early in the relationship), I can pleasure her in other ways. She likes cuddles, back scratches, massages, and leeching my body heat on cold evenings. I do this every chance I get because I want to make her happy. There is a part of me that thinks I'm subconsciously using it as a bargaining chip for sex, but honestly I love hearing her sighs and vocalizations when I hit a good spot on her back. I love her being wrapped around me for warmth. I like to think she gets a similar sense of accomplishment when she... well, y'know...

 

All is not lost, friendo. Your inability to please her sexually is not a failing on your part, and should not be viewed as such. Making her cum is as impossible as drinking the ocean, so instead focus on the things you CAN do for her.

 

 

Now, if on the other hand that she's full-on sexually repulsed, you might have a harder time. You gotta have a serious talk with her dude. If she's just not into it, but will still do it for you, great. That's a compromise you can agree to and things are hunky dory. You'll just have to learn to like sexual encounters that are one-sided. If she agrees to something extramarital, that's another solution. I understand that's harder with kids in the picture, so take that option with a grain of salt. Just understand that it's not 100% hopeless. There are solutions.

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Ash_fi

Hi Remains of myself,

Your situation is what I am going through. When we realized my asexuality, and this is still fresh to me, my partner told me they could not imagine that they would never be desired.  And he has said the same thing as you: it would not feel ok to know the other is not as deep into it, it would ruin it. For him the spontaneity is sexy, so scheduling is no option.

 

I was never sexually active but it was always assumed someday I would open up and act normal. I love them so much but at the same time I know I can't give them what they need - I can't cling on, I have to let go. We broke up as a pair last week but we still live together, trying to figure out what is the best for everyone. We have both lost a dream future. It's ok to be sad and cry and think it's unfair. But there is no-one to blame. No-one did it deliberately. No-one tried to lure anyone and the love was always there. All the good and happy that was there was real and you can cherish it - and you can mourn over losing it if you choose to separate. The main thing to remember is not to get bitter.

 

For myself I can say that I don't think sexual desire is wrong or dirty. It's just something that is outside of me and I can't reach the signals. I can enjoy sex in a mechanical way (and the love would be there although the passion is not!) but the problem is he couldn't.

 

I don't know how the private messaging goes around here but I would be willing to exchange thoughts with you and your wife if that's something you want.

 

In any case I think you are wonderful for trying to figure things out, reaching out to this community and taking responsibility for your family. You might not feel strong right now but you are.

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MrDane

I dont think I want to handle a sexless future. A less sex future? Ok! A lesser sex future? Ok! No sex? No!

...and I will always figth to keep love in my life as well. Combined? Greeeat!

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naturerhythms
@Jewel Bright, Many thanks for mentioning the book I Fell in Love with an Asexual.
 
@Remains of myself, thanks for sharing so much about your situation. I admire your desire to have full and at least somewhat enthusiastic consent from your partner for sex. I cringe when I read about terrible cases that have gone the other direction, e.g., when someone becomes so frustrated that they throw consent out the window and force their partner to have sex.
 
I was in a long-term relationship with someone who later realized she was asexual and not only indifferent, but somewhat averse to sex. For a long time, she was willing to go along with sex, and her willingness to do so was coming from a place of love. But I could tell that she didn't really seem to want it like I did, and at times even seemed slightly "grossed out." Once we discovered asexuality, and had some really difficult but honest conversations, things became clearer.
 
Like you, I felt guilty about what I wanted. I had a wonderful partner who was very loving in many ways, but I wanted that cherry on the cake, too.
 
There's a particular section of the book called "Wanting to be wanted: a complex thing" that will probably resonate with you. Also, one following it, called "A source of loneliness: Not being understood." There are also suggestions for how to expand the ways in which you approach sex and physical intimacy that might make it more appealing to your partner.
 
As Jewel Bright said, you're far from alone. I wish you the best in seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

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Treesarepretty
On 10/12/2017 at 2:13 PM, Remains of myself said:

My youngest child would care - he's only 4 and I couldn't leave him, thankfully my wife and I do have a genuinely loving relationship despite this issue - it's a happy household in the main - my parents divorced when I was not much older than him and I remember the confusion and pain so vividly - my earliest strong memory is being told they were separating - these repeating patterns in families both fascinate and horrify me. My eldest child is not by my wife anyway, though he is over every weekend, they are very close and she is so loving to him (tbh I think he'd be happier to never see me than lose her!). On every level I really fear a situation where I would have two children I only see at weekends - I love my family unit and tearing it apart just doesn't feel an option.

If she keeps doing the "wee widdle willy" thing even though she knows that that kind of thing is driving you towards suicide then she is not being loving to you. My therapist gave me the advice that, "Love between adults is not unconditional." It is okay to want to sex from a relationship and to be angry at having fallen for the bate and switch, which is the way you said you feel.

 

If your son would be okay with never seeing you again, then that is something you need to work on for its own sake--regardless of what happens with your wife. 

 

Something must change. Others have said it, and I will repeat it: divorce is better than suicide following depression. You said that you are worried about having your psyche ground down until you kill yourself in about 10 years like your dad did. Would it be better for your youngest to deal with confusion now or with his dad's funeral at 14? I am not saying that divorce is the answer, but something has to give. 

 

Have you considered changing jobs? I wonder if that would give you less stress so you'd be able to deal with your wife more easily if you decide to stay for the kids. I also wonder if you might be able to spend more time with your oldest son with a different job. Is that related to the way he feels about you? 

 

My parents separated when I was 3. One of my friend's parents got divorced when he was a teenager. He had better standardized test scores than I did (85th percentile in one of about 20 subjects, everything else 95th percentile or higher, with an IQ high enough to enter the Gifted And Talented Education program without needing other qualifiers), but he ended up barely graduating from high school a year late, flunking out of a junior college, and getting fired from one job after another until finally becoming a handy man. I got a college education and am currently a working professional. One of the things to remember about young kids is that as long as they are loved and taken care of, they can adapt to alot of things. 

 

Sorry for rambling. Good luck. And have some cake. :cake: 

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Happy giraffe
On 10/15/2017 at 0:13 AM, InariYana said:

 I believe there's more of us than 1%, but many are sex-neutral or sex-positive and they see themselves as somewhat sexual. If they examined their lives and kinds of attraction they experience, many would suddenly feel like "oh... so I actually don't experience sexual attraction at all... that's romantic/aesthetic attraction". Then maybe they'd just carry on with their lives with no need for a new label. I believe many aces who are not sex-repulsed never questioned their sexuality.  

This ^^

I only 'discovered' it this week.  I just thought I had a low libido and that it was all sensationalised.  

 

To the OP -> I don't know what to say... but does she know she's ace (and not demi)?   I don't know what I would have done had I realised in my marriage I was ace (been separated for other reasons since August this year).  As I'm not sex repulsed I just tried to 'act' normal (wrong word but I would just have sex out of duty and to please my husband).  Do you think that would be doable for your wife?  I know it's not the best but if you love each other that could work.  Certainly my husband wanted more but seemed ok with what I 'gave' for the most part (no choice I suppose!)  I just thought it was a gender thing.  Men want it more is what I thought.

 

My friend who helped me realise says "ladies first" -- is this something you can do?  Find out what she likes even conceptually and help her along first?  

 

Anyway I have yet to work out if I should tell my (ex) husband or not.  It's water under the bridge but I feel he has a right to know.  But it's not like we talked about this type of thing before... but it may give him hope for a future relationship for him.

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Treesarepretty

For anyone else who wants to respond to @Ratpick, the thread he started to deal with his stuff is here: 

 

 

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Ratpick

I don't understand what happened. "Anyone else" would suggest someone did. Now my post and their response are both gone?  So what happened?  Did someone with hurt feelings report a problem post?   Did it trigger an episode?  I'm intrigued now, I'm sorry I missed it. It was only 24 hours ago and judging by the last post it couldn't have been up for more than 6 hours. It must have been exciting. Too bad, I'll never know. 

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iff

A hidden post does not necessarily mean a report was made, just so you know. An Admod could have seen the thread and hid it pending a further review (maybe they were mobile at the time, or they wanted more opinions on the post(s) from other Admods). An Admod should have PM'd those who posted the now hidden threads. Did they? If yes, and you need further clarification, you can reply to that PM. If not, you can PM the moderator of this forum (in this case, me) and ask why they were hidden. Questions like this aren't really handled on the public forums due to member privacy and discipline (or possible discipline) not being discussed with anyone other than the member themselves.

 

Unfortunately sometimes Admods may not be able to PM a particular member to inform them that their post was hid, if for example, the PMs of a member is not activated.

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Philip027

Still unfortunate because that post was goldurn hilarious.

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Treesarepretty
11 hours ago, Ratpick said:

I don't understand what happened. "Anyone else" would suggest someone did. Now my post and their response are both gone?  So what happened?  Did someone with hurt feelings report a problem post?   Did it trigger an episode?  I'm intrigued now, I'm sorry I missed it. It was only 24 hours ago and judging by the last post it couldn't have been up for more than 6 hours. It must have been exciting. Too bad, I'll never know. 

One other person and I responded to you. I made a joke about mixing speed and extasy because you jumped between a lot of topics very quickly. I also asked you to please stick to one topic per paragraph so your posts would be easier to read.

 

The other person and I agreed that your statement about how often sexuals think about sex was an oversimplification. There was also a joke from me about Louis C.K. that I am glad is hidden because of the sexual harrassment allegations that I am now reading about on Twitter. 

 

I think that was it. 

 

@iff, if you decide to put the posts back, please tell me so I can edit it to remove my Louis C.K. joke. 😓

Thanks. 

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GLRDT
On 10/16/2017 at 0:03 AM, FictoVore. said:

On top of that, for some sexual partners that intimacy can be like torture. 'Sensual' asexuals do exist, and I've met quite a few here (my asexual ex was one) but I've seen a number of posts here over the years where sexuals say things like 'the fact that she wants to snuggle and kiss makes it worse, because it's like laying a feast out before a starving man but not letting him eat it. He can smell it and touch it, but those things make him even hungrier and the one thing he can't do is eat the food, so you're only increasing his suffering'. I know my sexual ex would instantly want sex if I tried to show kindness through something as basic as a hug, so had to begin actively avoiding any kind of intimacy, even talking really, because anything even close to intimacy would make him want sex. Some other asexual partners on AVEN have voiced the same thing - having to actively stop attempting any kind of intimacy, no matter how much they desire it, because it makes things worse for their sexual partner/makes their partner think they are initiating sex. Obviously that's not the case for all sexuals, some could possibly be happy with some forms of intimacy but no actual sex (maybe?) BUT this is just another reason asexuals and sexuals are so incompatible on so many levels, not just when it comes to actually having sex or how often it's happening.

Yeah it will definitely depend on each relationship and people in it. I am a very sensual gray asexual. Part of what helps my sexual boyfriend get through things until the next time we have sex is all the cuddles and kisses and sensual affection. It really just depends on the relationship.

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Ratpick

No pm. I don't remember the post as being remarkable, but then neither am I. I do want to address this very important topic of speed vs e. speed is a mistake. It's not a drug on its own. It's what happens when they cut e. or they replace it. E is the drug. Never buy e from a stranger without a test because you'll end up with speed. 

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Ratpick

I remember more about the post now. Too much speed. Yes.  I remember the line whites don't know why black lives matter, asexuals don't know why sex matters. It was a throw away like Charles barkley's I can't have sex three days in a row, I can't play basketball three days in a row. Was there something else?  Maybe a flag loving patriot thought blue lives matter too?  It obviously put someone in a spiraling depression, but lets not disparage this censorship like middle eastern government protecting the strictures of sharia law. Lets celebrate it, otherwise it's be just like reddit. 

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Poida

Hey mate, totally relate to you hey. Im sick of the mental gymnastics my marriage (to my amazing asexual wife) has me doing all the f$@&ing time. It's not her fault, not mine, not my kids, but I also don't think I'm one of these strong loyal-to-the-end husbands I read (and envy) on this site. With 3 kids, the option of choosing my sexual needs above all this neuclear family wonder seems insane - but equally as crazy as staying in an affectionless relationship for the rest of my life.  banoffeepie is spot on, and I was hoping someone like him would post, because this mind-f$&king journey you and I are on can take u to places too dark to return from. I buried my brother in law a few months ago after his suicide in a crap marriage. The messiest divorce looks like a tea party compared to what that family is now going thru. So don't box yourself into a corner where happiness isn't. My advice. Be honest with yourself and your partner and try to nut out a plan (and if you don't think you have the answers, give yourself time to work it out). Go through the options, alternatives, but don't make the path forward impossible for you. If you need to try some timeout, talk about it as an option. Every feeling you write of mate, I totally 100% relate to, so accept that you're normal, and that your situation is not new, and that some good men choose to stay, and other good men choose to go.... I know that the latter is heartbreaking for someone who committed 100% to his marriage. What I see around me is men keeping their individuality, often to the detriment of the marriage/family and other men sacrificing themselves and their individuality to commit to their family, to often to the detriment of themselves. Your the latter mate so show yourself the same level of respect and get plan that lets you be a totally happy man and happy loving dad - its the most important job there is!

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