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Platonic cuddling? Platonic kissing?


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I'm starting to get a little frustrated. I love physical contact (hugs, kisses, playing with each other's hair, cuddling mostly) with people I care about, but I'm asexual and have no desire to have sex with them. The reason I'm getting so frustrated is because whenever I ask them to cuddle, they say no, (which is well within their right, and obviously I respect their wishes) but their reason for saying "no" is that "Kissing and cuddling aren't platonic. It never has been, and it never will be. If somebody cuddles with you, they want to hook up." Again, I don't get outwardly angry at them for their logic, since it's everyone's right to decide what they want to do with their body, no matter what their reasons are, but I am incredibly confused and frustrated. Since platonic is defined as "(of love or friendship) intimate and affectionate but not sexual," to me at least, that encompasses any action what involves emotional connections or physical contact, but doesn't lead to the act of sex, or the desire for sex. Since kissing and cuddling are intimate actions, but for me, they don't make me want sex, doesn't that mean that those actions are platonic? 

I understand that (maybe?) this means everyone has a different definition of which actions are considered platonic, but my issue is that most people seem to think my desire to kiss and cuddle with them means I'm not asexual, because those actions "aren't platonic." Therefore, my need to be cuddled and shown physical affection can never be met because whenever I find someone who does want to kiss and cuddle with me, they think that eventually, these actions will lead to sex, no matter how many times I tell them otherwise. I'm sex-phobic, so it's not even like I can compromise with whoever it is I'm with. It seems there are only 2 ways my situation can end; with me not being able to cuddle or kiss somebody in the platonic way I want to, or cuddling and kissing another person, only to leave them frustrated and upset because they didn't get what they want.

I'd really like to know two things, AVEN.

1) Is anyone else like me, or am I just defective? (I'd like to think there are some of you out there like this... I can't be the only one. I'm not that special haha.)

2) What should I do? I really want to be physical, but not sexual, and I don't want to hurt anyone else in the process.  

 

I apologize if any of this comes across as mean. It's not my intention at all. I genuinely respect everyone's boundaries and desires which is why I'm so frustrated and trying to understand other people more.

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11 minutes ago, EmmaDilemma said:

I'm starting to get a little frustrated. I love physical contact (hugs, kisses, playing with each other's hair, cuddling mostly) with people I care about, but I'm asexual and have no desire to have sex with them. The reason I'm getting so frustrated is because whenever I ask them to cuddle, they say no, (which is well within their right, and obviously I respect their wishes) but their reason for saying "no" is that "Kissing and cuddling aren't platonic. It never has been, and it never will be. If somebody cuddles with you, they want to hook up." Again, I don't get outwardly angry at them for their logic, since it's everyone's right to decide what they want to do with their body, no matter what their reasons are, but I am incredibly confused and frustrated. Since platonic is defined as "(of love or friendship) intimate and affectionate but not sexual," to me at least, that encompasses any action what involves emotional connections or physical contact, but doesn't lead to the act of sex, or the desire for sex. Since kissing and cuddling are intimate actions, but for me, they don't make me want sex, doesn't that mean that those actions are platonic? 

I understand that (maybe?) this means everyone has a different definition of which actions are considered platonic, but my issue is that most people seem to think my desire to kiss and cuddle with them means I'm not asexual, because those actions "aren't platonic." Therefore, my need to be cuddled and shown physical affection can never be met because whenever I find someone who does want to kiss and cuddle with me, they think that eventually, these actions will lead to sex, no matter how many times I tell them otherwise. I'm sex-phobic, so it's not even like I can compromise with whoever it is I'm with. It seems there are only 2 ways my situation can end; with me not being able to cuddle or kiss somebody in the platonic way I want to, or cuddling and kissing another person, only to leave them frustrated and upset because they didn't get what they want.

I'd really like to know two things, AVEN.

1) Is anyone else like me, or am I just defective? (I'd like to think there are some of you out there like this... I can't be the only one. I'm not that special haha.)

2) What should I do? I really want to be physical, but not sexual, and I don't want to hurt anyone else in the process.  

 

I apologize if any of this comes across as mean. It's not my intention at all. I genuinely respect everyone's boundaries and desires which is why I'm so frustrated and trying to understand other people more.

I suggest you find somebody who shares your asexuality. Not easy but not frustrating either. It's just as frustrating for a sexual when they are denied what they feel is their connectivity to another person. It works both ways, doesn't it?

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An action itself doesn't have a characteristic of being romantic, sexual or platonic. It is simply an action. The person doing the action itself can put meaning behind it, and the meaning they put behind it defines it as such. For me personally, I do not mind cuddling my friends, or even if they kiss me on the cheek. I am well aware of the intentions behind the actions in question, and therefore I do not find any discomfort with them.

 

Furthermore, those people who say that you're not asexual because you seem to be truing to do something that can be sexual if given that light are clearly not informed about what being asexual means. It simply just means a lack of sexual attraction. Attraction and behavior are two different things. One can not be attracted to someone, but still have sex -- ie, asexuals who are sex indifferent and compromise with their allosexual partner. One can also be attracted to people sexually, but not act on any desire to have sex.

 

What I would suggest doing is set boundaries, as a relationship itself will only exist in the way the two people in question define it. Friendship is a very broad term which more or less means platonic relationship and all, but the definition of it will change depending on the relationship in question -- that is to say, no two friendships are the same. I mean...think about it. In a friend group, when you hang out with the group as a whole vs hanging out with individual members separately, I'm sure that the experience is different, and especially depending on the two people in question.

 

I hope that answers that for you.

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I would like to be able to have physical contact of the kind you suggest (especially hugs and cuddles) with a few trusted friends, without the assumption that it is romantic and/or sexual. I would describe this as "sensual" rather than "sexual" contact - but I get the impression the majority of people think these are the same thing. :unsure: I am certain there are other people like you, but I suspect it's quite hard to actually get in contact with them IRL. I haven't had any success in being with anyone in my life in that way, so I can't really give you any advice on how to achieve it. :( 

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1. omg you're not defective!!!    Well if you are I am.

I identify with romantic and maybe a bit sensual (not too much! Just like you describe  lol)

2 Talk to them and see if there's a compromise you shouldn't deny what you want. There's always a compromise but it has to be a happy one too and that might not come about.

 

Like loads of people you have that 'Will I ever find someone in the same part of the spectrum as me?'

Good question, I hope it pans out there are so many people saying they want just what you do I'm sure you could find a hug-buddy. :D

 

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16 hours ago, FranciumSenpai said:

An action itself doesn't have a characteristic of being romantic, sexual or platonic. It is simply an action. The person doing the action itself can put meaning behind it, and the meaning they put behind it defines it as such.

Well said! I agree with this.

 

Personally, I only cuddle and kiss people that I'm romantically interested in, whether or not sex is involved or will be involved. Overall I'm pretty touch averse (I don't like anything more than hugs hello and goodbye from friends and family), but when I like somebody romantically I want the kisses and cuddles.

 

However, I don't think there's anything wrong with someone who wants kisses and cuddles from friends, as long as they're being straightforward about not wanting sex, and that's exactly what EmmaDilemma seems to be doing. I also don't think there's anything wrong with someone not wanting to kiss/cuddle platonically, but claiming "If someone cuddles with you, they want to hook up" after being specifically told that hooking up is NOT the end game -- that's absurd.

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Sunflowerfield

There is actually a growing movement of people around the world interested in platonic cuddling - platonic cuddle parties, professional cuddlers and groups where people can find platonic cuddle buddies are spreading in most western nations. Having said that, not everyone's going to get it, because a lot of allosexual people get aroused by cuddling and many western cultures associate physical affection with romance and sexuality. 

Also, while I hate to sound sexist, I've found that most allosexual cis men have trouble seeing cuddling as platonic, and thus they will usually only cuddle with people of the gender they are attracted to. I think non-cis people and cis women generally have an easier time seeing it as something platonic and not sexualising it. 

I'd also recommend checking out this blog and the FAQ about platonic cuddling here

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1 hour ago, Sunflowerfield said:

Also, while I hate to sound sexist, I've found that most allosexual cis men have trouble seeing cuddling as platonic, and thus they will usually only cuddle with people of the gender they are attracted to. I think non-cis people and cis women generally have an easier time seeing it as something platonic and not sexualising it. 

 Some straight men don't really want to be physically affectionate, esp. with other men cause there's sometimes societal stigma against behavior that can be construed as "gay" or "wimpy." So yeah, guys tend to view cuddling and stuff as romantic/sexual behavior reserved for a partner.

 

As a guy myself, I'm not really physically affectionate cause I'm just a bit of a cold person in general. But I feel like if someone I knew well really needed some sort of comfort, I could provide it and I wouldn't feel too weird about it. Unfortunately, intimate physical interactions tend to fall into the category of foreplay and stuff for people so it tends to be considered romantic/sexual in nature. Boundaries and expectations would often have to be established to make sure it stays platonic.

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I guess it depends on what's in the person's head while they're kissing or cuddling. For some people, a kiss will send them straight into feeling hot & horny and wanting more and it's something hard to control. For some, they could kiss and kiss for hours and just enjoy the sensation, without thinking of it ever leading to sex. It really varies. 

 

Cuddles for me can feel brotherly, sisterly, motherly :D just innocently lovely, but I guess for some folks who don't really get physically close with people other than as a prelude to sex, cuddles are mostly sexually charged.   

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Find someone who's ace or gray ace. Cuddle and kiss them without it leading to anything.

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A person That is real
On 10/2/2017 at 11:08 AM, EmmaDilemma said:

I'm starting to get a little frustrated. I love physical contact (hugs, kisses, playing with each other's hair, cuddling mostly) with people I care about, but I'm asexual and have no desire to have sex with them. The reason I'm getting so frustrated is because whenever I ask them to cuddle, they say no, (which is well within their right, and obviously I respect their wishes) but their reason for saying "no" is that "Kissing and cuddling aren't platonic. It never has been, and it never will be. If somebody cuddles with you, they want to hook up." Again, I don't get outwardly angry at them for their logic, since it's everyone's right to decide what they want to do with their body, no matter what their reasons are, but I am incredibly confused and frustrated. Since platonic is defined as "(of love or friendship) intimate and affectionate but not sexual," to me at least, that encompasses any action what involves emotional connections or physical contact, but doesn't lead to the act of sex, or the desire for sex. Since kissing and cuddling are intimate actions, but for me, they don't make me want sex, doesn't that mean that those actions are platonic? 

I understand that (maybe?) this means everyone has a different definition of which actions are considered platonic, but my issue is that most people seem to think my desire to kiss and cuddle with them means I'm not asexual, because those actions "aren't platonic." Therefore, my need to be cuddled and shown physical affection can never be met because whenever I find someone who does want to kiss and cuddle with me, they think that eventually, these actions will lead to sex, no matter how many times I tell them otherwise. I'm sex-phobic, so it's not even like I can compromise with whoever it is I'm with. It seems there are only 2 ways my situation can end; with me not being able to cuddle or kiss somebody in the platonic way I want to, or cuddling and kissing another person, only to leave them frustrated and upset because they didn't get what they want.

I'd really like to know two things, AVEN.

1) Is anyone else like me, or am I just defective? (I'd like to think there are some of you out there like this... I can't be the only one. I'm not that special haha.)

2) What should I do? I really want to be physical, but not sexual, and I don't want to hurt anyone else in the process.  

 

I apologize if any of this comes across as mean. It's not my intention at all. I genuinely respect everyone's boundaries and desires which is why I'm so frustrated and trying to understand other people more.

 I am the same way I want to express my admiration for people in a physical, but not sexual, way but I am afraid I will send the wrong message.

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I don't think there's anything weird an unnatural about desiring all that stuff platonically at all...you'd probably be surprised by how common it is, especially with women! I don't have any friends that I cuddle and kiss with because for me those are always romantic actions, but I do have friends who I hug all the time. 

I would say hugging is about where I draw the line for friends though. If a friend was too try to kiss me or hold my hand I think I would get quite uncomfortable...just because for me, for whatever reason that's something I can only enjoy with my boyfriend. 

 

My advice to you would be maybe to try other less romantic ways to get your needs for intimacy met....like a nice long hug with a friend would be something I would be comfortable with, while cuddling with a friend would not be something I'm comfortable with. A long, warm hug from time to time might be enough to satisfy your needs for physical affection without making your friends uncomfortable. 

 

Also, instead of outright asking someone if you can cuddle with them (this might scare them away or freak them out) try just slow gentle gestures, like try putting your arms around them casually while watching TV or giving them a little hug the next time you're comforting them. 

 

Hope this helps! 

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Cuddling and KIssing someone doesn't mean that you want to have sex with that person. What it does mean is you're romantically interested in that person. Thats how most see it.

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@EmmaDilemma I hear ya. This is how I feel sometimes with some people, but most of them aren't asexual, so they take it in a sexual way. Even holding hands would be great with someone I wanted to hold hands with. Its not really to get physical contact needs met, because it would probably be with just select people. I highly doubt (due to my age... probably a lot different for young people) that I will find an asexual that I mentally/emotionally connect with enough to want to hug and hold hands, but I totally get what youre saying !!

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  • 5 months later...
JustAGirl96

Hi guys!

 

I'm late to the party, and also not asexual, but this post was helpful to me so I thought I'd offer up my two cents.

 

I'm female and probably either a 4 or 5 on the Kinsey scale, if you'll excuse the binaries. Anyway, when (and only when) I really trust guys sometimes I want to hug them and play with their hair and sit close to them and stuff, but not actually have sex with them. I try not to do it because I don't want to send the wrong message, but it can be very confusing for both parties. It's weirdly primal; the best way I could describe it would be skin-hunger. There is this one (straight) guy who is very tactile, and I flat out told him that sex was off the table and I was just using him for cuddles, and he's cool with it. So that's nice. 

 

But what you guys are describing resonates and it's reassuring that other people like to touch their friends without it being sexual. So, thanks.

 

< / ramble >

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I share your preference for deep friendship with platonic physical affection, but trying to find this in real life is the million dollar question, the make-or-break of asexuality.

 

The solution seems to only be co-located asexual communities.

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Strip clubs and platonic cuddling services are viable but very expensive options. I have paid to platonically cuddle with such folks before, but it can add up very quickly in the hundreds of dollars. Finding a partner is ideal.

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@EmmaDilemma hey emma i read your post tbh cam like in in that situation i'm sex-phobic and sex repulsed i'm not sexually attracted to any gender or agender basically what i'm saying is i don't like sex and i will never ever ever want sex it sounds so disgusting  i would like to kiss/makeout and cuddle that is why i wouldn't date a person who is sexual cuz they couldn't handle kissing/maling out without asking for sex  i have boundaries too like i don't want people touching my body innaproppreicately this includes my ass and rubbing my upper leg i'm Austin btw

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On 10/2/2017 at 2:08 PM, EmmaDilemma said:

The reason I'm getting so frustrated is because whenever I ask them to cuddle, they say no, (which is well within their right, and obviously I respect their wishes) but their reason for saying "no" is that "Kissing and cuddling aren't platonic. It never has been, and it never will be. If somebody cuddles with you, they want to hook up."

That's what's so great about cuddling a cat. No one would read that as romantic.

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On 02/10/2017 at 11:38 PM, EmmaDilemma said:

I'd really like to know two things, AVEN.

1) Is anyone else like me, or am I just defective? (I'd like to think there are some of you out there like this... I can't be the only one. I'm not that special haha.)

2) What should I do? I really want to be physical, but not sexual, and I don't want to hurt anyone else in the process.  

Your best bet is to find an ace or a sexual who is NOT attracted to you. This can be hard. A sexual who sees you like a sibling will not want to kiss. A sexual who wants to kiss will want more. Cuddling is fine, some kinds of kisses can be fine. On the mouth, or otherwise extensive kissing will invariably feel sexual to us. Some hope may be in proposing a platonic but intimate relationship to someone for whom you are the wrong orientation for sex. A lot of homosexuals can be panromantic. So that, in addition to aces may improve the pool a bit.

 

I'm not much of a kisser. My ace is. One massive problem with kissing is that he can kiss endlessly. I get hornier and hornier, except when the kissing is done, for him, it is like he has already climaxed. Time to cuddle or move to something else. And I'm like "wait... where is the rest?" lol

 

I would not agree to kiss anyone I couldn't go further with. It would be like signing up for torture.

 

In an intimate relationship, you could probably get away with kissing too as long as your partner had masturbated/had sex before (then it can seem like afterplay) but you don't want sex.

 

 

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I identify both with the original poster and with her cuddle-rejecting buddies. On the one hand, I crave physical contact with people that I’m romantically interested in (cuddles, hair-play, closed-mouth kisses). On the other hand, I’m uncomfortable being on the receiving end of physical affection because after YEARS of relationships where every touch came with strings attached, I kind of panic and shut down when someone initiates physical contact of any kind. 

 

I hope, at the very least, that you’ve been reassured that what you want is reasonable and attainable with the right person. 

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I'm very sensual! I have had people say I'm leading them on in the past. Really I'm just a cuddler, a flirter, an approachable, friendly, caring, and clever banter kind of person in my personality soooooo yes people have often gotten the wrong idea. I've actually had to pull back a lot of my personality around quite a few people because of this. However, I do have a QPR and we do cuddle and know it isn't leading to anything sexual. It's truly the most spiritually connected best thing ever for a sensual person like myself. It's almost like there is a recycle sign spinning through both of us and reenergizing us. It's great! I wish you luck in finding this. Also he is sexual. It's a long story how I got here with him.

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Everyone is different. Im very selective about who gets to touch me in any context, so I would absolutely not welcome anyone touching me for the hell of it. I once had a big fight with a guy over it once, and it was effectively the beginning of the end of us. We had previously dated a couple of times a few years apart and it hadnt worked out, been friends for years, my biggest issue with him was that I think he liked the attention, so while it was obvious I liked him way more than he liked me, he would constantly repeat that we were just friends, but the second I started to come to terms with that and treat him as a friend, he would start with the flirting, and the telling me how important I am to him blah blah blah, always making sure my feelings stayed on the surface, so I would then end up acting on them, only to be shot down again and again and he'd again say we were just friends. We went on a trip to Barcelona once, a football trip for my birthday, shared a room, but not a bed of course, and I only agreed to go on the acceptance that we were friends and neither of us would cross that line because we know its not to be. So we did, had a good time, but over and over again, he kept giving me the mixed signals. The biggest one for me being that he was never the touchy feely type, whether we were together or friends, we'd greet each other with a little hug and that was it. But several times on this trip, when we hugged, he would kiss me on the head. It made me very uncomfortable, because to me, that was crossing our personal line. I know a kiss on the head isnt exactly hardcore supersex, but it was a line I was very uncomfortable with him crossing, especially after it was him who was the one constantly reiterating there was nothing romantic between us. A week or two later when I called him out on it and told him it gave out mixed messages, he denied it happened. Which to me is an admission that he did cross a line and he knows it. Everyone has their own line. If people are uncomfortable with you touching them like that, that's their decision. But then others who are fine with it, that is also theirs.

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  • 1 year later...
Hannah Savage
On 10/2/2017 at 12:08 PM, EmmaDilemma said:

I love physical contact (hugs, kisses, playing with each other's hair, cuddling mostly) with people I care about, but I'm asexual and have no desire to have sex with them.

1) Is anyone else like me, or am I just defective?

2) What should I do? I really want to be physical, but not sexual, and I don't want to hurt anyone else in the process.

Oh no, I'm actually much the same way.  I've been wanting more to share affection in forms of snuggling and holding someone close, but not looking for anything romantic or serious.  I always describe what I want as showing casual affection by platonic cuddling.  I often wonder why those who know this about me haven't offered to reciprocate, even those who've known me for a substantial period.  Perhaps they're either one or the other of not feeling very cuddly themselves or have difficulty separating their association of such gestures.

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Montanadawn

I really relate with this im pretty young and have never been in a real relationship but I know that i want to be physically affectionate toward a potential partner (hugging, cuddling, holding hands ect) but i would never wan to go any farther than kissing. I'm talking to someone right now but im afraid to get into a real relationship because im afraid he will judge me for not wanting to do any of the sex things 

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AspieAlly613
18 hours ago, Montanadawn said:

I really relate with this im pretty young and have never been in a real relationship but I know that i want to be physically affectionate toward a potential partner (hugging, cuddling, holding hands ect) but i would never wan to go any farther than kissing. I'm talking to someone right now but im afraid to get into a real relationship because im afraid he will judge me for not wanting to do any of the sex things 

Communication is key, but I understand your hesitation to do anything that could jeopardize your friendship.  It's really nice that you already know exactly what you are/aren't comfortable with.  A lot of people aren't and get talked into doing things that they regret later.

 

Also, WELCOME TO AVEN!!!!

 

It's customary to greet newcomers with cake.

 

Image result for chocolate cake images

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  • 2 months later...
On 10/2/2017 at 2:08 PM, EmmaDilemma said:

I'm starting to get a little frustrated. I love physical contact (hugs, kisses, playing with each other's hair, cuddling mostly) with people I care about, but I'm asexual and have no desire to have sex with them. The reason I'm getting so frustrated is because whenever I ask them to cuddle, they say no, (which is well within their right, and obviously I respect their wishes) but their reason for saying "no" is that "Kissing and cuddling aren't platonic. It never has been, and it never will be. If somebody cuddles with you, they want to hook up." Again, I don't get outwardly angry at them for their logic, since it's everyone's right to decide what they want to do with their body, no matter what their reasons are, but I am incredibly confused and frustrated. Since platonic is defined as "(of love or friendship) intimate and affectionate but not sexual," to me at least, that encompasses any action what involves emotional connections or physical contact, but doesn't lead to the act of sex, or the desire for sex. Since kissing and cuddling are intimate actions, but for me, they don't make me want sex, doesn't that mean that those actions are platonic? 

I understand that (maybe?) this means everyone has a different definition of which actions are considered platonic, but my issue is that most people seem to think my desire to kiss and cuddle with them means I'm not asexual, because those actions "aren't platonic." Therefore, my need to be cuddled and shown physical affection can never be met because whenever I find someone who does want to kiss and cuddle with me, they think that eventually, these actions will lead to sex, no matter how many times I tell them otherwise. I'm sex-phobic, so it's not even like I can compromise with whoever it is I'm with. It seems there are only 2 ways my situation can end; with me not being able to cuddle or kiss somebody in the platonic way I want to, or cuddling and kissing another person, only to leave them frustrated and upset because they didn't get what they want.

I'd really like to know two things, AVEN.

1) Is anyone else like me, or am I just defective? (I'd like to think there are some of you out there like this... I can't be the only one. I'm not that special haha.)

2) What should I do? I really want to be physical, but not sexual, and I don't want to hurt anyone else in the process.  

 

I apologize if any of this comes across as mean. It's not my intention at all. I genuinely respect everyone's boundaries and desires which is why I'm so frustrated and trying to understand other people more.

I COMPLETELY feel the same way kisses/cuddles CAN be platonic and it really is unfortunate that most people automatically assume hookups going all the way are expected after/before/during a cuddle session.  Personally, would be thrilled with such a non sexually interested, cuddle buddy.

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On 10/2/2017 at 2:08 PM, EmmaDilemma said:

"Kissing and cuddling aren't platonic. It never has been, and it never will be. If somebody cuddles with you, they want to hook up."

Ok, well, that's a blatant lie. Me and my best friend cuddle all the time, one time even in our underwears - LOL - but we have absolutly no desire to be sexual or romantic with one another. A lot of people enjoy cuddles without sex, so don't worry, you'll find the right one! I don't like kissing personnally but I'm sure there are people who like both cuddle and kisses but don't wish for sex^^ 

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