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walrus

What happened to yahoo sexualswithasexuals forum?

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Goonie

You are right.. we aren't in the same ocean. Because I try to understand. I am a INTP, Green-Blue, Visual Spatial, Restorative Adapatable Deliberative Context Competitive, Audial, type 4, aromantic, asexual. And if I went through life excluding everyone who wasn't like me, I would be very lonely.

There aren't a whole lot of Asexuals out there in the world. So, not all of us are lucky enough to land another asexual as a partner. Some of us are lucky to land a sexual who attempts to understand and work with us. I can't help that I am asexual just like I couldn't help that I am very visual spatial. It is something that I was born with.

I happen to be one of "those" that is causing my boyfriend to go thorugh that "damn nightmare" because I am A and he is not. And you know, I am sure if I had my boyfriend around a year earlier.. that would be the case because I would still feel like I am broken. AVEN has helped learn to communicate to my boyfriend. And if it ever ended up being like you said: that

there's a complete lack of understanding for the situation life with an asexual causes for the sexual
I pray to God that he would tell me. That way we can discuss it. And that way I can attempt to understand vs him going around saying that I don't understand when I am not even given a chance to understand.

Communication seems to be key -- or at least one of them. The first time he told me he loved me, I told him about being A. He is still with me. Later I told him I am aromantic. He is a sexual romantic -- but we have managed to work it out thus far.

When I am with him, time stops, the world stops spinning, and it is only the two of us with an occasional white noise in the background. I don't ever plan on spending hours and hours on end with him... I know that I have other things I have to do and other obligations... But when I am with him, I can't find it in me to leave. If I could, without any downsides, I would stay in that stopped world. He is one of the few people who can touch me and it doesn't bother me. And when he holds me, almost all thoughts manage to leave my head... I stop thinking-- and for those that know me, they know what a big that is because my brain seldom shuts off. When I am with him, I am able to see the light at the end of the tunnel; I am able to see the good in the world. He makes me distracted at work when I am going to meet him (in a good way). He makes me want to be with him everyday and I don't like people that much. There is not a day that I am with him when I don't wonder if it is too good to be true, if this is something I deserve or if it is some dream that I am going to wake up the next day and it be gone. Like the skeptical cynic I am, I do find myself hesitating and waiting for the other shoe to drop -- daily. But he also knows that because I told him.

If something did happen, and I hurt him, my heart would cry. It would feel that horrific hurt that I haven't felt in years. You know, I read posts like some of the above and see how people talk about their SO's, and then I hear Mac talk about hers, and I see think about how I feel for my boyfriend... and eventhough I have a hard time assigning emotions to words, I would have to say what Mac feels for her boyfriend, and what I feel for mine qualifies as love. (Feel free to correct me if I am wrong Mac.) Maybe I have issues telling my boyfriend this.. maybe I have a hang up admitting it. Maybe I do have some issues. But I have told him this... because he asks what I am thinking. And that is one of the things I appreciate the most. Something else I appreciate, he asks me about my friends on AVEN... he asks me why people come on here and post spam, or troll, or post crazy stuff. He cares. Please don't lump him in the same category as the rest of the sexuals dating asexuals.

I guess tonight I should count my blessings. I seem to be one of the lucky ones.

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MaraKarina
Thought of just one more thing:

OK' date=' now this is an example of what I meant by comments that put us on the defensive, and which we might not want to see. No offense, but why would you feel it necessary to tell us that here on our forum? I really couldn't care less if you want to express these sentiments in private in your support group, but can you see how we might find statements like this to be insulting? I'm not trying to be rhetorical, I'm genuinely curious...[/quote']

Raymond,

Did not plan to offend anyone. The only reason I wrote it was to try to get accross the message that life with an asexual can be rather challenging for a sexual, to put it very mildly. I've again and again noticed that this is vastly ignored by asexuals. And that this is the reason why sexuals in a relationship with asexuals are in need of a support group without asexual members.

You have all the rights there are to be as you are, and there should never be any criticism or condemnation. But please do respect it when sexuals don't easily cope in a relationship with asexuals. Which certainly depends on the degree of the asexual refusing sex, kisses, hugs. And the problems are not really the physical part, it is emotional/psychological. And I personally was almost cracking up with the situation this caused in my marriage, and did need and take quite a bit of counseling. Helpless though as they were as asexuality is still not very well known. And we were just a tiny step away from divorce, although as a conservative Christian I would definitely not take this step lightly.

I will not continue to post such things here because I don't think that this is the right place for it. It's a place mostly for asexuals to exchange their ideas, for whoever to get information what asexuals wish to give. I believe that the support group is much rather suited for such things. And saying so I don't mean by criticising or trying to change or speaking badly about asexuals, but the emphasis being on "how can I cope", and "how can I cope with the side affects it had and still has on my life" and how this will eventually result in a better life for both my AND my asexual husband.

Maybe you don't take it as that, but each time I have to defend myself for finding it difficult to cope with the situation of having an asexual husband it hurts. Because I am not accepted as I am as a sexual with the needs I have.

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Brodertun

If not for AVEN I would not have realized that my views on sex were different from the rest of the world. Therefore, I would have probably ended up in a relationship with a sexual, and would not have told him about being asexual, because I would not have known that my views were incompatible with the majority until we were deeply in love and a problem had arose as a result of it. Not telling about being A would not have been because I was refusing to let him know who I was, but because I would not have known that I was different.

a place mostly for asexuals to exchange their ideas, for whoever to get information what asexuals wish to give

The vast majority of what I've learned on AVEN is from the sexuals explaining their viewpoints.

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Derp

Raymond? :?

Nevermind...

I did not intend to dismiss the idea that your situation would be difficult to cope with. In fact, I'll concede that I could probably not imagine the extent of such difficulty, since I have never been in a long-term relationship with a sexual person. I was always lucky enough to get dumped early on for being asexual. But that's irrelevant. My point is, we don't mind if sexual people come here and post. They have been doing so long before this particular forum was set up, and it hasn't really been a problem. We understand that you're frustrated, and you're welcome to express that. You don't have to defend that. It was rather your choice of analogy that I took exception to.

Edit: Oh, the sig.. I get it now.

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MaraKarina

I felt I needed an analogy to explain just how difficult it has been for me. Without anything I set in relation, how will you understand the expression "it was a huge problem for me"? Compared to what? To losing my wallet, to missing a train, to losing a job (and finding another one 3 months later)? Each thing can be a big problem at a time but not really big when looked at in retrospect or compared to other events in life.

So how do you want me to express my frustration (the term frustration really isn't sufficient)?

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Derp

OK, fair enough. I concede. If being married to an asexual is truly comparable to losing your parents at age 13, then I cannot possibly be capable of understanding why you haven't left him...

By the way, my sincere condolences on losing your parents. That must have been awful...

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MaraKarina

He was - or acted - completely different in the beginning, and there's been a very close bond with a great person in a relationship where sex used to be one of many things we shared. That changed into us having problems in this area, which was not really great but came with the hope of improvement or at least some give and take for both of us.

When I learnt it was nothing never ever again from my husband's side, i.e. the time when I had to abandon all hopes, we'd been married.

And divorce is not really an option for me as I'm a conservative Christian following bible teachings rather than common practice. Though I might argue that, as biblical teachings include that a man/woman is not to withhold sex from the husband/wife, I might want to consider it to be cheating on me. But I think that's kind of twisting things a bit.

That also makes my husbands suggestion of "having someone else for sex" a nasty remark rather than a great possibility. As said before, it's not sex for sex' sake, it's sex as the ultimate bond in a very special and very close relationship. That must conflict with the relationship with my husband, if it would be at all emotionally possible for me (and without that I might have physical needs but would act like an asexual). And, as I strive to live in line with biblical teachings that's not really an option.

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Hallucigenia

Have you ever been deeply frustrated for any reason by somebody that you loved despite everything?

Sometimes, when we're mad, we need to vent, and we need to do it with other people who understand our situation. That means not the person we are mad at, even though (in fact, especially because) we still love the person and want to be with them. If there's constructive problem-solving discussion to be had, then by all means the person you're angry at should be included. But sometimes, before that can happen, you just need to find somebody and shout "I'M SO FRUSTRATED!" at them. And for that to happen, the person you are frustrated with can't be there. If you shout "I'M SO FRUSTRATED!" at the person you're frustrated with, they'll quite naturally feel hurt and try to defend themselves, when you're not really even trying to attack them - you're just trying to express your feelings so you can get over them. After you do that, you can go back to the person you're actually frustrated with, and have a reasonable and productive talk that includes them.

I'm trying to explain it but I'm not sure if it actually worked. Blah.

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Damien Day

As an asexual, Marakina, I have to admit I sympathise with your stance re restricting membership of that Yahoo group. I can't possibly imagine what your situation must be like re having an asexual partner.

I also happen to be a moderator of a couple of yahoo groups, and know what appalling flame-wars etc. can sometimes occur if there is too wide a membership-base. It can sometimes work, but not often.

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MaraKarina

Thanks, Crom Cruach. Some of the affects are not clear to us at the beginning. I did not immediately link the physical and psychological reaction I showed with my relationship situation. Only when I noticed others in a similar situation were suffering from the same symptoms did I awake.

The understanding that the symptoms are from the relationship for example is very good for me in coping with them. But also, these symptoms - or my constant keeping them in check - remind me constantly that I am not living a life which is doing me good.

I'm reluctant to say so, because I am afraid I may hurt one of you asexuals, but as the sexual/asexual relationships, at least in their extremes of no sex and often enough barely any kisses, hugs and other physical signs of closeness, over years appear to regularly produce a similar range of problems in the sexuals, such a relationship IS a huge challenge for the sexual, just as relationships with other major physical, emotional, or psychological challenges are.

It is so easy to say that you want to accept the other person as s/he is, but you cannot always live everything you want to. At the time when my husband would react to me simply touching him as if he'd got an electric shock, my body started bleeding and just never stopped for weeks and continued in spite of medication, so I needed an operation for it, it would have killed me otherwise. The doctors couldn't find a single medical reason for that. And a while after the operation the bleeding started again. The next time medication did help. But that was the time when I would have left my husband, had he not somewhat changed. And fortunately the bleeding hasn't returned.

All this is something I would never have thought it would happen. And it only shows over time. In part a kind of protection (like dressing to look unattractive so you "know" you cannot expect your spouse to consider you attractive; or like overeating so you don't look attractive and food serves to comfort you) or as psychological reactions as whatever is said, somewhere deep down there's something knowing that you havn't been accepted just as you are with all your needs (low self-esteem, depression), or the body just screeming out you cannot continue like this (my bleeding, others overeat so they have diabetes and other weight-related problems).

The worst which can happen to a sexual in such a situation is when the asexual blames him/her that s/he's placing too much importance on sex. Because if that was really THE one important thing, the sexual would have been gone for a long time. If that were all, there would be nothing so why stay.

Very often, the sexuals in relationships with asexuals believe that a relationship must have a great emotional, friendship, shared views and ideas-basis ... and then plus sex. And that's why it is so easily turned into suffering for the sexual. Because, finally, you've found this absolutely great person, who's not only interested in you for the sake of sex and nothing else, and then this fabulous person - in my case after showing a much higher sex drive than I had, for over a year! - turns around ....

Hope I did not again hurt people. Found it important though to get something from the sexual side across. Unfortunately, it's still a very emotionally charged matter for me so I don't always manage to write it in a more factly way

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sonofzeal

So, any word on why I was rejected?

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MaraKarina

Sonofzeal,

to my knowledge that was a mistake and I thought you had received an invitation since. If not, please try again and it should work

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hdansker

sonofzeal -

I have sent you two invitations to join directly from the yahoo groups software. Have you received them? If not, please go to the group and place a request, and I will see to it that you are approved.

As I explained in an email to you, which it seems you haven't gotten (???) and also to Mara, the scroll wheel on my mouse wasn't disengaged, and after scrolling to "approve", it kept on going to "deny" as I scrolled down the page to submit your name to the membership list.

I am now being really careful about this ... one thing is if I end up living in weird states due to scrolling errors, another is that it screws up the yahoo group.

Come on down!

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