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Sexual Wife/Asexual Husband - Truce!

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Twisters

Sorry for the long story about myself above...

 

I also wanted to let traveler40 know how incredibly courageous I think you are for addressing this in your relationship and how awful I feel that you have to take a break from the “good times”. You’re so determined, I’m sure they’ll come back.

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Traveler40
23 hours ago, Twisters said:

After reading this thread, I wonder if this would be the way I need to go? Despite her comment, I have my doubts whether she would be able to cope with me seeing someone else, even if it was just for sex.

 

I guess we still have a lot of talking to do...

 

All advice is welcome...

Hi Twisters,

 

I am you, you are me on the basics it appears.  Our stories are aligned like so many others here.  There’s simply no one way to solve it.  I’m deeply sad at the loss I’ve recently experienced, but I’m mainly concerned with moving forward and the “What now?”.  My point is nothing is simple, and it’s all messy.

 

You hit the nail on the head with “I guess we still have a lot of talking to do....”. If she’s as precious as it reads, it all begins and subsists there - the communication.  

 

You’ve read this thread (and hopefully many others).  While we all may mirror each other at first blush, you’ll notice that answers for each couple are different.  My path may or may not be your answer.  What you seem to know is that you’ve come to a point that you seek to work through your struggle.  Communicate and push through.  It’s exhausting, but keep at it or nothing will ever change as you likely know.

 

My husband is suddenly tired of talking about this.  I think he’s sad that I’m hurting and feels some responsibility.  I also think he’s scared of “What now?”.

 

I’m rambling - it’s complicated on my end.  My lover is vacillating (as often happens) but in my heart I know the crossroads is upon me.

 

My point (to help YOU) is that it’s not easy, answers vary for all, communication is your life line and never, ever forget yourself.  “Life, this ain’t no dress rehearsal”.  How do you see yours? 

 

 

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Traveler40
20 hours ago, Twisters said:

Sorry for the long story about myself above...

 

I also wanted to let traveler40 know how incredibly courageous I think you are for addressing this in your relationship and how awful I feel that you have to take a break from the “good times”. You’re so determined, I’m sure they’ll come back.

Thank you very much - I only saw this after my answer to you as it was apparently on a new page.  It’s rough. My heart is broken at the moment, but it’s so much more than that as you may know.  Best wishes.

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Twisters

Thanks Traveler40!

 

Yes I’ve read this thread and many others. I feel at home here on this one for one or the other weird reason. Maybe because you are first of all still very much dedicated to your husband, your marriage and your family, but secondly also have found a way out, as bumpy as it may be... I have deep respect for your courage, as well as your husband’s for that matter.

 

It’ weird but I have read elsewhere on this site that the more time people spend reading about asexuality, the less their desire for sex and intimacy they have. For me it is just the other way round. I guess now that start realizing that it is her asexuality is an real thing and the excuses for “not having sex now” don’t mean it will happen some other day. Go figure, 2 times in 8 years, I should have done that math long ago. I’m smart enough for that, but guess I was still hoping (and blaming myself for probably being a substandard lover).

 

Now that I realize: “This is it...” the frustration is boiling inside, so much it physically hurts. Something has to give.

 

Thanks again for your words of encouragement!

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Twisters

“Life, this ain’t no dress rehearsal”  Ouch... that hits home.

But you’re absolutely right, Traveler40, there is no “next time”.

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Traveler40
4 hours ago, Twisters said:

“Life, this ain’t no dress rehearsal”  Ouch... that hits home.

But you’re absolutely right, Traveler40, there is no “next time”.

Yes Twisters, it’s what keeps me putting one foot in front of the other.  

 

8 years slipped by while I wasn’t looking. I felt that another decade could easily drift away. It’s a balancing act and decisions should be carefully calculated with your spouse, but where there’s a will, there’s generally a way.  

 

Whatever direction you go, go with care and be mindful of what matters. You can’t control it all, but you can control what you do, what you say and how.

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Twisters

Traveler40 (or any one else who would like to comment), sorry for doing this but I just have a bunch of silly questions.

 

They are actually the result of wife for the first time actually acknowledging the conversation we had in which I asked her about a sexuality. It was just a brief moment we had together while kids were running around, but it makes me really want to continue our conversation soon. She seemed surprised that I even questioned her love for me. Although I know I shouldn’t have to, she clearly has no clue what rejections have done to me and my self esteem (I think I’m still pretty OK after all these years, probably because I have a successful career and three little girls that adore their daddy, but still...)

 

So my questions:

 

Did you ever involve a therapist in the conversations with your hubby? Or was it just a multitude of conversations between between the two of you?

 

How did you explain him that you were missing something fundamentally in your relationship, that he didn’t miss at all? I get the impression that my wife thinks it is all OK the way things are right now. She doesn’t care about sex and I have been too discouraged to bring it up after all this time. I’m thinking of using some analogies, but I’m afraid I will completely miss the point or that she gets hung up on the wrong detail.

 

I’m usually very solutions oriented, but I think I need to do some more digging with her before I get a clear view to a solution. Obviously the most ideal situation (from where I stand) would be a vibrant and fulfilling sexlife for both of us. Clearly that’s not going to happen. In some of the other threads I read about “compromise”. I’m happy to explore where that will lead us to, but after having sex twice in the past two years and where the last time was far from satisfactory and over three years ago, I wonder what are chances are. What do you think? I feel I need her to tell me where she is on the asexuality spectrum before I can think about solutions. I’m very curious about your thoughts.

 

One last thing I would like to know your opinion about: Mrs Twisters has always been pretty clear about her opinion about cheating spouses: if you do it, game over! Good for her! When I discussed (it was more like me asking and telling her what I thought, rather than a real two way conversation) her orientation with her, I wanted her to feel safe and assured of my commitment to her and our family. Hence I mentioned that there was no one else and that I had never had an affair or cheated on her. To my complete surprise she said she would have understood if something would have happened. I’m not sure what to read into this... Would there be an opening for some arrangement along the lines of yours if I can’t work out something with her?

 

Any word of advice from anyone would be greatly appreciated. I feel I have been too quiet for too long. It’s going to be a long and narrow road but I’m determined to go down this path. I can only live this life for so long and have to be honest to my own desires and feelings.

 

 

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Traveler40
1 hour ago, Twisters said:

So my questions:

 

Did you ever involve a therapist in the conversations with your hubby? Or was it just a multitude of conversations between between the two of you?

 

How did you explain him that you were missing something fundamentally in your relationship, that he didn’t miss at all?

 

....I read about “compromise”. I’m happy to explore where that will lead us to,....I wonder what are chances are. What do you think? I feel I need her to tell me where she is on the asexuality spectrum before I can think about solutions.

 

One last thing I would like to know your opinion about: Mrs Twisters has always been pretty clear about her opinion about cheating spouses: if you do it, game over! ....To my complete surprise she said she would have understood if something would have happened. I’m not sure what to read into this... Would there be an opening for some arrangement along the lines of yours if I can’t work out something with her?

Hi Twisters,

 

I’ll do my best to answer what you question from my experience, but everyone is different in approach and reaction.  I cleaned up the questions for clarity sake above and will enumerate the answers.  I hope it helps, but should you have more to ask, I’m here.

 

1. We did eventually involve a therapist for exactly ONE session. It was lengthy and nothing was revealed that we didn’t already cover ourselves.  Frankly, it seems that the depth and breadth of communication I have with my husband may be above normal.  In any case, we did pre-work, and spent 3 hours in session. (One each separately and one together on the big day.) The result: A complete waste of time. I saw it in the therapists eyes.  He didn’t know how to tell me that which I already knew: It wasn’t going to change. 

 

The most productive communication which led to every solution came from conversations we had together.

 

2. I said simply that. Over and over again. I used metaphors, analogies, direct examples and simple descriptions.  He knew. He lives in this house and wasn’t unaware, but simply hoping if he left his head in the sand long enough I might let our lives slip away as is.  In the 8 years surrounding IVF and having children, he’d gotten a wonderful hall pass.  Once that ended, he went kicking and screaming, but he eventually came around. He knew.

 

3. My advice is not to push her to define where she falls on any spectrum.  Have the conversation about it, but the definition doesn’t really matter, does it?  The best approach is to explain how you feel, what you need, what you hope for and what’s happening from your perspective.  Talk to her about AVEN.  Involve her and then discuss a schedule.  @MrDane has experience with schedules.  Maybe reach out to him.  Compromise/scheduled sex never worked for me, but it boils down to what each of you are willing to work on...together.  It’s a team thing for a team result hopefully.

 

4. I don’t know.  I think you should try scheduled sex.  That means give it 6 months to a year.  Keep talking over and through that time and answers may come organically. 

 

I wish I could be more help here Twisters.  You’re on the right path.  The key for me was patience.  Stay true to yourself and keep talking about your needs.

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Traveler40

You know, I was just thinking.  What were my breaking points beyond the sex drive increase post hysterectomy?  

 

No matter what I did, my husband never once participated in any action to change or improve the situation for me.  My expressed feelings, my request he read this book or that article, none of it mattered; He never once lifted a finger. He had exactly what he wanted in the way he wanted it.  I felt many terrible things over the years, but it wasn’t until I realized that he was never going to willingly change that I found the courage to do it for the both of us.  It was scary - there were no guarantees as to outcome - but I was willing to risk it as it had come to that.  If I could have found an answer in scheduled sex, it would have been great given the alternatives.  In any case, this was just an afterthought.

 

My husband is an amazing man.  We were talking about my (ex?) lover the other day.  I told him we were working on the friendship angle as we just can’t seem to shelve it cleanly at the moment.  He stopped and looked at me for a second, then gently asked, “Is this what you really want?” (Meaning, will it lessen your pain?) I replied, “yes”. He came over, smelled my hair, kissed the top of my head and simply said, “ok then.”

 

We’ve come so far - together - in this journey.  

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NickJ

Sorry to hear things didn’t work out with your partner. I know it’s cold comfort but reading this thread is incredibly helpful to me so thank you for posting. It helps a lot to know others are in a similar situation to myself.

 

 

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anamikanon

This thread has been very insightful. Thank you, @Traveler40 for sharing your journey so openly.

 

I have contemplated having another partner several times in our relationship. It is ironic, actually, because I was in an asexual phase when I met my current partner, who is asexual. However, my sex drive returned with intimacy with him. I don't believe in monogamy, so getting into the relationship, he knew that I was not promising monogamy at all, and he was fine with that. The reason I didn't seek another partner was also somewhat the reason I didn't seek this partner either. I'm very asocial and picky about whom I let close in my life.

 

In many ways, being in a relationship has been harder on the sexual front than being single was. Now that I care about someone deeply, it is hard not to have sexual feelings, but he isn't that much into sex at all, though his willingness too is a changing thing. When there are no other stresses, he can feel an interest in sex on occasion.

 

I have often considered getting into another relationship during dry spells between us when my frustration drove me crazy. I met a few people too, but it somehow didn't work out. I didn't like them enough to want to spend too much time with them, let alone get naked. The one I wanted was not available as often as I wanted.

 

Currently we sort of manage with sex when he wants it and ... other management when not. It remains something that I think of on and off, but frankly, given how I am (sapiosexual max + asocial + need very high emotional connect), it is looking more trouble than it is worth. Yet I can't help feel the occasional longing for a partner you can simply grab and have sex with without worrying that it may pressure them. The spontaneous ease of it.

 

That said, I do love my partner loads, and we are very happy overall. These things happen mostly when we are stressed and both of us have very opposite needs of intimacy at such times. He huddles into himself and I tend to want someone to be close to and forget myself with.

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Denise526

Question: you made the comment your children are loved by all 3 of you but one from afar in the shadows... Is he ok with that? Is he ok with always being in the shadows and having to live from afar as you keep your happy home life? You said you were in love with him? ... if so why do you continue to make him love from afar? I’m only asking because I’m in his position and it’s very hurtful. I understand and yet I don’t. My boyfriend so to speak started an open relationship with his wife a few years ago because their marriage was falling apart due to lack of “passion” .. he says it’s still very depressing for him because their relationship is strictly platonic. He wants that emotional connection and intimacy. He tells me he’s in love with me however I don’t know that I can forever be the other girl that has to live distantly yet he doesn’t want me to leave ... sigh.  I regret getting myself into this situation yet can’t imagine life without him. 

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Traveler40

Hi Denise526,

 

Welcome.  It appears you did not read the entire thread based on your response here, but I’ll try and answer what I can from your post:  First of all, your situation is unique, and I assume you’re both adults that entered into a consensual and transparent relationship.  I’m sorry it’s not going as hoped, but it seems your boyfriend has been forthright about his life and situation.  I was, and continue to be, fully open with my (ex?) lover.  He still loves my children from afar and provides quite a bit of input when asked, and I do not think it is hurtful to him in the sense that it is for you.  His number one concern is the kids,  and he’s actually “team husband” in many ways.  He respects my husband, reads AVEN and has the full 360 on the what and why.  It’s not simple for any of us, but there’s a whole lot of love.  As time goes on, who knows how things develop? I’m learning to take one day, one moment at a time.  On the face of it, our situation is quite different.  I’m sorry you’re hurting, and try to remember that you’re in control of your own path. If this relationship and dynamic isn’t ultimately working, perhaps you move on to something healthier and more fulfilling.  Yes, transition hurts, but sometimes it’s the best path.  

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Denise526

I didn’t I apologize.. I didn’t see the rest of the thread until after I had commented. I guess my question to you is (please don’t think I’m being rude).. if you can’t live without the physical intimacy etc why wouldn’t you choose to be with someone who can give you everything you need? Why choose to remain in a situation where you have to go outside your marriage to be fulfilled and ultimately hurt yourself and others (lovers) in the process? It seems to be a awful cycle that even my boyfriend has admitted.. so why choose that? I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum here so it’s hard for me to understand. 

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Traveler40

Well, because clearly my relationship that provided the intimacy I lacked with my husband could not provide everything that I need. Alternatively put, I still need things in my marriage that I can’t find elsewhere, or I would opt to get a divorce.

 

Therein lies the rub.  Life isn’t that black and white.  Children are involved and are a priority. I respect my husband and have built a life with him and for these children across 15 years. We are fully entwined.  Most folks here don’t want to be looking outside of their marriage for intimacy, however we haven’t been left with a plethora of options. I do not regret my lover.  I love him dearly.  He has opened my eyes to other things I lack which I wasn’t aware of before him.  That doesn’t change the fact that I am still in the situation I was in before we met.  Life is all sorts of grey Denise, I wish it was easier.  “This or that” isn’t a clean choice for so many reasons.  It’s deeply nuanced and quite complicated.  Given the options, by default, someone is always going to be hurt.  I wish it wasn’t so, but here we are.

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Mary Lambert
On ‎9‎/‎10‎/‎2017 at 8:36 AM, Telecaster68 said:

'm pondering broaching the subject with my asexual wife but I'm not sure how well it would go down. We haven't quite got to the explicitly laying out the three possibilities yet, and the only time anything like opening it has come up was very hypothetical and she just said she'd feel like she'd failed as a wife if I did do anything with anyone else.

Reading your past posts, I hope it works out for you to get what you need. You have been a very gracious spouse. 

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Mary Lambert
On ‎9‎/‎10‎/‎2017 at 10:22 PM, Traveler40 said:

Absolutely - I took out an Ad.  I'll PM you the details. :-) 

Can you PM me the details also?

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Mary Lambert
On ‎9‎/‎19‎/‎2017 at 4:00 PM, Valentine18 said:

You have made something work that I think would save my marriage!  I approached my husband about some arrangement like this but he said absolutely no way was he going to allow me to be with someone else (even though he doesn't want me).  Please tell me what you would have done if your husband had refused to allow your arrangement.  Would you have found someone in secret or lived miserably until you ended up divorced?  I truly feel like I could find a man that I was compatible with and just have one night a month and it would save my marriage.  But since my husband said "no way", I just don't know what to do now.  What allowed your husband to move from loathing the idea to considering it, and finally accepting it? 

I am in a similar situation. I found a friend who I workout with. I have not crossed the line, but my husband knows he is "Waiting in the Wings"., that has helped tremendously. :)

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JDP

I don't think my wife (the sexual one) could handle it, but if she told me that was what she needed, I'd be OK with it.

 

I think she'd rather do without sex than hear me say I'm OK with her being with someone else.

 

Our marriage has a lot of problems, but the dearth of sex is low on the list.

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Traveler40

One man’s apparent apathy is another’s selfless gift of love.

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SusannaC

It is interesting to read about the people who say they have worked out “compromises” with an asexual spouse- i.e.-to have sex with someone else on a prearranged regular basis.  I am wondering if anyone here knows:  do these arrangements prove successful statistically ?  Or do these “compromises” eventually lead to divorce in most cases anyway?  I just have a hard time believing this type of arrangement will work long term or make a marriage stronger. Any observations or thoughts would be appreciated 

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Traveler40

It hasn’t been smooth sailing obviously, but our arrangement and compromise brought a lot of peace and understanding to our household while it lasted.  Longer term, nothing is solved which is what you’re pointing out.  I don’t know of any statistics, but I can report that getting from point A to point B has benefits, especially given the ages of our children. Shorter term goals and arrangements can work.  

 

Who knows what next month brings? I am focused on what I can control today, and while I live in forced celibacy once again, I’m ok with it for now.  Ultimately, I dream of bridging the two halves of myself, yet what I’d give up to get is a price I’m not ready or willing to pay. Compromise...I do.

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ryn2
1 hour ago, SusannaC said:

It is interesting to read about the people who say they have worked out “compromises” with an asexual spouse- i.e.-to have sex with someone else on a prearranged regular basis.  I am wondering if anyone here knows:  do these arrangements prove successful statistically ?  Or do these “compromises” eventually lead to divorce in most cases anyway?  I just have a hard time believing this type of arrangement will work long term or make a marriage stronger. Any observations or thoughts would be appreciated 

It’s hard to know because (I’m guessing) the people for whom compromise has worked are less likely to be here talking about it.  Consequently it’s hard to get a sense of how many there are or how long their compromises are successful (and from whose viewpoint).

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SusannaC

“Forced celibacy”... ahhh, the words make my stomach churn. I’ve never liked being forced to do... much of anything.  

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NapoliGirl
On 2/17/2018 at 5:00 PM, Twisters said:

Did you ever involve a therapist in the conversations with your hubby? Or was it just a multitude of conversations between between the two of you?

Hi there, Twisters.  I will share my experiences as best I can.  (Not sure why I am just getting to this thread now after it's been here for quite awhile.  Oh well.)  Here's a little bit of my overall situation so that you will have some context:  married 27 years, dated for 6 years prior, he's been wonderful (really!!) in every other way but the everyday little gestures of physical intimacy (slim to none of that), and we have had a dead bedroom for most of the marriage, with the longest stretch of nothingness being the past 13 years or so.  Spouse has identified as an asexual largely due to my research that started a few months ago (I always knew something was off but for the longest time, thought it was my fault/deficiency).

 

We had several conversation about this just between the two of us, in earnest, lots of turmoil and all that every time.  We mutually agreed that we owed it to ourselves to see a therapist together, mainly to have a neutral party involved.  Most of our sessions were joint.  We were in therapy for about 5 months; nothing to "fix" or anything like that, mostly a sounding board.  She really did provide us with a safe place to express ourselves and had a knack for facilitating painful discussions and admissions that otherwise would have gone unexpressed, or would have been counterproductive and/or too heated if only been between me and the spouse.

On 2/17/2018 at 5:00 PM, Twisters said:

How did you explain him that you were missing something fundamentally in your relationship, that he didn’t miss at all? I get the impression that my wife thinks it is all OK the way things are right now. She doesn’t care about sex and I have been too discouraged to bring it up after all this time. I’m thinking of using some analogies, but I’m afraid I will completely miss the point or that she gets hung up on the wrong detail.

The only way I was able to explain was (and still is) through the use of analogies.  That's all he can relate to.  I choose those things that he is really into (such as favorite foods, favorite hobbies and activities) and frame things that way.  When we had our earliest discussions, I would go on and on about how sex and physical intimacy was so important to me, etc. but he just couldn't for the life of him connect to that, feel it, understand it, or empathize with me.  Nothing, nada.  Those discussions were so frustrating to both of us.  At least now he can relate better.

 

On 2/17/2018 at 5:00 PM, Twisters said:

I’m usually very solutions oriented, but I think I need to do some more digging with her before I get a clear view to a solution. Obviously the most ideal situation (from where I stand) would be a vibrant and fulfilling sexlife for both of us. Clearly that’s not going to happen. In some of the other threads I read about “compromise”. I’m happy to explore where that will lead us to, but after having sex twice in the past two years and where the last time was far from satisfactory and over three years ago, I wonder what are chances are. What do you think? I feel I need her to tell me where she is on the asexuality spectrum before I can think about solutions. I’m very curious about your thoughts.

Spouse is very solutions oriented, much into analyzing, dissecting, and all that.  Maybe you can get some insight as to possible solutions and compromises if she is forthright with you about where she is on the spectrum.  However, in my case, there seems to be no solution or any compromise that is working or even helping, even with this.  Sex on schedule?  Nope.  It's evolved at this point to a chore for him, and had ended up being more stressful since he has to perform.  That just about kills it for me too.  It holds even less meaning for me and I view it as just another thing to tick off the to-do list, sadly.  I-do-he-watches.  No to that as well.  He is so uptight about that, doesn't want to participate.  I have suggested opening up the marriage but he refuses (I am not keen on this but feel it is my last resort to keeping our marriage intact), no way.  So we are at this huge stalemate.

 

However, that's just my personal experience.   I do believe that you need to talk about this and be very truthful, brutally honest with her especially if your status quo isn't going to cut it for much longer.  You mentioned that she surprised you during conversations about cheating spouses.  So there is potentially a lot more that may come out that will surprise you with further discussions with her, the deeper you go, the more you open up, the more honest you are, the more engaged she is during these discussions; perhaps, I hope, the more you bare your soul to her, the more she will bare to you, and together you can work out potential compromises and a path forward together.  

 

This is a crappy place to be in, particularly when there is so much love involved and a genuine desire to work things out.  I wish you the best as you navigate the twisted and rocky path before you.  

 

 

 

 

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Twisters

Thanks for your thoughtful reply @NapoliGirl

 

It’s all to recognizable. On the one hand you know what you crave so much. But knowing that she can’t flip a switch and change, you don’t want to risk all the good things and the safe harbor for my kids.

 

My wife doesn’t want to talk about it and I’m too scared to push forward. The outcomes of any conversation are pretty obvious, pretty binary and none of them are very pleasant.

 

But a lack of communication about the topic is not going to do me any good, so I will think of your courageous approach and at least create some openess around the topic.

 

Thanks again!

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NickJ
On 6/7/2018 at 2:27 PM, Twisters said:

Thanks for your thoughtful reply @NapoliGirl

 

It’s all to recognizable. On the one hand you know what you crave so much. But knowing that she can’t flip a switch and change, you don’t want to risk all the good things and the safe harbor for my kids.

 

My wife doesn’t want to talk about it and I’m too scared to push forward. The outcomes of any conversation are pretty obvious, pretty binary and none of them are very pleasant.

 

But a lack of communication about the topic is not going to do me any good, so I will think of your courageous approach and at least create some openess around the topic.

 

Thanks again!

I just wanted to chip in here and say your situation sounds very similar to my own. I avoided having those difficult conversations for years and while it may have helped avoid short term pain, the long term effects have been far more damaging. Like you, I didn’t see a way forward and I was terrified of the potential outcomes if I pushed it.

 

But the best thing we have done is bite the bullet and have those conversations. They’re not easy, they are painful, but taking that leap was absolutely the right one.

 

As it stands, we currently have an agreement that seems to be working for now. It is not perfect by any means, and we still have a lot of work to do, but it is progress and that’s a positive. 

 

I hope you you can find a way forward too.

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Traveler40

I agree wholeheartedly @NickJCook!  Keep the discussion going @Twisters, it’s the only way towards legitimate and lasting progress as Nick notes.

 

It’s somewhat fortuitous that you commented on this thread as I was considering updating the story.  I’ve put it off since I’m not able to clearly articulate how things have developed, but what I’d like to impart is this:

 

Over the past few months, I’ve discovered that when stripped away, sex alone isn’t as critical as simple, shared touch.  True intimacy is fulfilling however you get there, and the goal of deep connection isn’t dependent solely upon the act of sex.  I did not know that until sex was withheld and replaced with touch.  Perhaps a dying flower only needs a drop?

 

My lover and I have grown ever closer these past few months despite the platonic nature of our current relationship.  This has confounded me as it is definitely not what I envisioned when searching for a lover last year.  Honestly, how can I essentially be in TWO (2) sexless relationships? 

 

Frankly, I’d like to make love with my lover anywhere, anytime, anyhow, but he won’t do that at the moment.  (The barriers to unexpectedly and profoundly loving a married partner are real and sobering for him.) In lieu, we have continued and grown our friendship resulting in an indescribable intimacy that keeps me content enough.  How is that possible since I already have that with my husband?   Well, I’m learning that obviously we don’t have that: As previously mentioned, we never touch unless in error!  There is no hand holding, spooning, caressing, kissing, rubs or snuggles.  We co-parent and co-exist as friends, partners and roommates.  That’s all there is.  Over the past few months I’ve learned that TOUCH - holding, hugging, rubbing, spooning - can go a very, very long way!

 

I’m struggling to put it to words.  What does it mean?  I feel like sex is this gateway for sexuals to achieve deep, lasting, emotionally fulfilling connection, but with enough care and alternate physical attention, it can be found and happily sustained for an undetermined amount of time without it.  

 

I want to experience my lover deeply in all ways, but I’m alright waiting for it until he’s all in.  He’s worth waiting for, it’s worth waiting for. I know, as we’ve been there. Oh, the ironies  of life....

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Telecaster68
1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

Honestly, how can I essentially be in TWO (2) sexless relationships

You're in one where your needs aren't being met, and one where they are. The difference is vast. Even though your lover doesn't want to have sex, he wants to share intimacy physically, and that makes all the difference. For myself, a sex life would make a huge difference to how I felt about my life and the world, but the empty physical ache is about lack of touch. I think much of the emotional clout of sex is from combination of touch, physical arousal and , and you're getting at least a two-way of those from your lover, even if it's not technically sex. 

 

Is possible there's a certain 'type' of sexual who gets into sustained relationships with asexuals; maybe more tolerant of our own needs not being met, or less sure that lack of sex is a legitimate reason to end a relationship? 

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Midland Tyke

It's possible that your husband withdrew from touch because he feared that was merely the precursor to sexual desire, and the inevitable disappointment and tension that would result. It's definitely a possibility (because that's where I got to).....

 

Maybe you need a further conversation with him explaining your (revised) needs/desires more accurately. And he may well be delighted to provide them. You might then be able to reduce from TWO to ONE. I'm not too sure how much you'd like that, though, reading between the lines?!?

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