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Traveler40

Sexual Wife/Asexual Husband - Truce!

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Traveler40
On 10/7/2017 at 8:19 PM, Jsmith said:

He was very clear that it is to be only sex and no dating or any other type of relationship. I don't even know where to start....

Hi JSmith,

 

Me again!  I was thinking about you and recalled that this wasn't easy from point A to point B for us either.  My husband did not explicitly say "no emotional connections" initially, but certainly assumed that.  It never even crossed my mind to have potentially unsafe, uncaring, brief, ultimately unfulfilling (for me) sex.  There was a night some months ago where my husband checked in with me emotionally to see how my journey was fairing.  He didn't truly want to know, but wanted to show me support however hard for himself.  When I described the depth of my new relationship, he was shocked, angry and felt somewhat deceived.  He kept saying "you moved the ball on me...". It wasn't as easy as "sure honey, go ahead with whatever pleases you"....at all.

 

My follow on was hard for him to argue with: I was equally shocked that he thought (or perhaps hoped/expected) me to have meaningless and random sexual connections.  Beyond the safety factor, I asked him why bother after all of these years without?  He KNOWS me. I can count my life lovers on one hand.  I need to fully entwine to be ultimately open to full sexual contact and deep exploration (which is what I was after). There were many nights of discussion that followed that led to continual reassurance from me and acceptance from him.  To date, he doubts his position at times, but I find simple and forthright reassurance on a regular basis, coupled with light to no details about the other relationship to be effective and helpful to him.

 

Anyhow, I'm not sure any of that helps YOU, but it did surface among the boxes in the attic that is my brain when reflecting on my story in relation to what you shared.  All the best!

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Telecaster68

It's  just occurred to me that the kind of doubt that your husband is experiencing is probably the same kind of doubt and insecurity that we sexuals go through when asexuals say they can no longer have sex. 

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MarmadukeMcFluffy
On ‎21‎/‎09‎/‎2017 at 9:58 PM, FictoVore. said:

How do the members in this thread find lovers you can actually want to be intimate with? It's only ever been purely by accident for me.. like, I spark a friendship with someone and fall in love with them, then I can enjoy and desire the intimacy. But I see threads like this and people are like "I selected a lover based on ____, _____, _____ and we're all so happy now!" .. I'm single, to be clear, and my heart is pining for the guy who left me. 'finding someone' would make the heartache a lot easier to deal with :/ ..I just think it works all messed up for me. 

 

Anyway this was totally off topic sorry! I started some meds recently and they've made my brain wander easily D:

 

 

 

I have an old friend who I've had an on-again-off-again friends with benefits relationship with since long before I met OH. Once we decided to have an open relationship it was easy enough to just give him a call and ask if he wanted to be 'on-again', he was happy to oblige.

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Traveler40
23 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's  just occurred to me that the kind of doubt that your husband is experiencing is probably the same kind of doubt and insecurity that we sexuals go through when asexuals say they can no longer have sex. 

It likely is Telecaster68 - in both cases it throws the future security of the relationship into question from either angle.  Opposing sides of anything is never comforting, let alone something as fundamental as sex in a marriage.  There are no easy answers and the only thing I find helpful is ongoing communication.

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Traveler40
11 hours ago, mzmolly65 said:

....While the OP was able to just put out an ad to find a safe partner, our problem is the unequal ratio of sexual men to sexual women .. so when I put out an ad looking for a partner for my husband, I was bombarded with professionals emailing me rather than sexual women in a similar situation to ours....

Hi mzmolly65,

 

You are absolutely correct in that it’s infinitely easier for a woman looking for a man, however it’s not *that* simple either.  It took me a couple of postings that had me weeding through hundreds of responses (the multitude of responses is where being a woman has advantages - yes).  However, there were exhausting days (across a couple of months) of connecting deeply to nowhere and plenty of times walking out onto weak limbs.  With perseverance, faith in the process, and a clearly defined idea of what I was after, I searched tirelessly.  It was a single minded goal and sounds way simpler than it was.  Basically, I was after compatibility, chemistry, longevity and safety.  Yep, my lover did the full battery of tests once we realized the thing had legs...I wanted to be fully open and explorative after years of spousal imposed celibacy.

 

No doubt numbers matter, yet there are plenty of women out there in need. It’s a numbers game both ways.  Keep the faith and don’t stop baiting the hook.  There are a lot of fish in the sea....

 

All the best!

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Astryda

Wow, I'm kind of shocked but I wanted to express my best wishes to you and dang, you have one understanding and loving husband out there!

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Frustrated17
On 10/09/2017 at 2:49 PM, Traveler40 said:

This is simply a life share on one couples "truce" of sorts.  My husband and I have been married for 12 years and together for 15.  I did not have a word for our situation until I found this site about 6-7 months ago.  In any case, I was severely struggling at that point.  We have two young children, a solid foundation built on respect and friendship, and I didn't feel divorce was our best option.  

However, after 8 long, dry years and a hysterectomy that left me with an even higher sex drive, something had to give.  

 

Enter "the truce":  my husband agreed to allow me to take a lover.  While not ideal on the surface, it has been an excellent solution for us 5 months in.  I took my time in the selection process so it would not be quick, unsafe, uncaring or unfulfilling. The result is that I am extremely well matched, and my husband allows one night a week with him.  This has helped my marriage beyond belief!  While my husband is not wholly thrilled, he's a realist and truly understands our situation and its effects on all of us. I believe he is relieved even though he won't describe relief as his main feeling.  

 

It's a work in progress, but our home is happier, healthier and better than it's been in years.  While unconventional, it's a solution that's been viable for us.  

 

Yes, I've fallen in love with my lover, and yes my husband knows.  However, my lover is not a threat, but an addition to our lives - he's single, older and simply wanted what I could offer at the outset; that remains our basis.  Our collective goal is wrapped into one word "longevity"....we shall see, but this thing has legs.  So far, so good.

Wow.. long story short i am in a sexless relationship also... we thought it was because of my husbands upbringing that he was so distant and r relationship lacked intimacy but he mentioned to me in a passing comment " maybe im just asexual" and that got me researching amd i reckon he is right. Fact is i have been thinking of cheating for a very long time to save r marriagr but have never been able to go through wiv it. I like the idea of ur truce. But , worry about the impact on him. If he allowed me to have a lover id be consious of him knowing when who etc. Id feel it easier to just know i have that option and carry it out as and when with him not knowing if im off on a night out wiv the girls or to a lovers bed... or is that worse... how did your situation come about that u have a set night etc... and id also be interested to see ur ad if poss... also im new here so dont know anything about private messages etc u mentioned to someone else.. thanks  

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Traveler40

Hi Frustrated17,

 

I apologize for my delay, I’m actually out of town and checking AVEN infrequently at the moment.  To you:  You know your situation and yourself best.  In my relationship, it was not an option for me to cheat in secrecy.  My husband and I talk about everything and dishonesty simply isn’t in my fabric.  However, I could no longer live in complete celibacy, and he really felt the deep sadness I carried.  He also had a first row seat to the water torture drip effect over the years.  

 

How did we arrive at a “one day per week” arrangement?  Frankly, it was organic.  His choice would have been that I never step out of our marriage.  The situation evolved in time and continued communication.  Our number one concern is protecting the kids.  In fact, once per week could evolve again as the kids age and become more cognizant.  The goal is the keep them in the dark “forever” if possible - the longer the better anyhow.  Bottom line:  it’s a work in progress that we are both being flexible with.  

 

I will PM you my Ad.  It is certainly defined and was quite effective.

 

I’m short on time at the moment and writing on the fly.  If you have more questions, please don’t hesitate to ask!  

  

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roland.o
13 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Our number one concern is protecting the kids.  In fact, once per week could evolve again as the kids age and become more cognizant.  The goal is the keep them in the dark “forever” if possible - the longer the better anyhow.

I read a newspaper article yesterday about a couple in an open relationship who had to tell their children, after the eldest overheard her mother talking about it on the telephone. It turned out that the kids were either too young to care, or quite accepting of the situation when the parents took the time to explain properly. Unfortunately, the article is in German, and behind a paywall: http://sz.de/1.3720856

 

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Eus

Hi, this is great! On many threads I have seen this push for monogamy where the asexual partner is forced to compromise and have some sex and the sexual partner is forced to compromise and have almost no sex and it just seems unfitting for my relationship. We already have a non monogamous relationship but polyamory has been off the table. How has creating a loving relationship with your other partner worked? How much do you share with your husband about your lover and viceversa?

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Traveler40
On 11/13/2017 at 10:32 AM, roland.o said:

I read a newspaper article yesterday about a couple in an open relationship who had to tell their children, after the eldest overheard her mother talking about it on the telephone. It turned out that the kids were either too young to care, or quite accepting of the situation when the parents took the time to explain properly. Unfortunately, the article is in German, and behind a paywall: http://sz.de/1.3720856

 

Danke Roland.o, while I don’t know German, I’ll work out the translation.  I appreciate input from all angles.  You never know what may help or work.  Thanks again!

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Traveler40
On 11/14/2017 at 6:42 AM, Eus said:

Hi, this is great! On many threads I have seen this push for monogamy where the asexual partner is forced to compromise and have some sex and the sexual partner is forced to compromise and have almost no sex and it just seems unfitting for my relationship. We already have a non monogamous relationship but polyamory has been off the table. How has creating a loving relationship with your other partner worked? How much do you share with your husband about your lover and viceversa?

Hi Eus,  I totally agree!  Having spent many years in “forced celibacy”, I am glad to have found the courage to work on improving my quality of life.  Thanks for your questions, I’m not quite sure of exactly what you’d like to know in question #1, but here goes:

 

1. It’s not simple.  Interestingly, I’m currently on vacation, and it’s been next to impossible to connect meaningfully with my lover.  I’m 24/7 with the family and don’t wish to split myself out of respect for my husband and our family time.  My lover understands and truly wants me to unwind and enjoy myself. 

 

Generally at home? It works quite well.  There’s enough time to maintain all relationships (husband, kids, lover) as long as things are scheduled in a way.  I have specific windows of availability and patterns to my day that my lover knows.  He’s on my schedule as he is single and does not need to work.  Throughout weekdays, he is free to call, text, email at will.  We work around evenings which we play by ear, and Friday’s are ours.  That’s it. The only thing we dream about is a getaway.  While not practical, we enjoy the dream.

 

 

2. This is much easier to answer: I don’t share much with my husband beyond our plans.  Details are painful for him.  I love my husband and do not want to hurt him.  While he supports me in this, he need not know much, and I respect that.

 

On the other hand, my lover and I pretty much discuss everything.  He is on the outside looking in, but it works. I’m somewhat of a find for him: He wanted a relationship clearly defined as much as I did, so it meets both of our needs nicely.

 

With that said, our connection has taken us both by surprise.  We found each other in words first, then mentally and emotionally on dates before becoming lovers.  The emotions complicate things I suppose, but are essential to me in opening fully to the journey.  The sexual side of things is better than I could have dreamed and can overwhelm me at times.  My lover is very, very good and enjoys pleasure fully.  I could never go back to celibacy.

 

Why is my lover not a threat? Simple, we have a charter of sorts.  We communicated our needs, wants and hopes clearly at the outset.  While romantic, we are both realists with our feet firmly on the ground and priorities in place.  Our relationship (and it’s parameters) is defined.  We follow the charter and enjoy the moments we have.

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blue dog

i think i belong in this bunch

 

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Traveler40

Thoughts:

 

Seeing as I started this thread, I figured it only fair to continue the update and my thoughts on it as things developed in time.  While my relationship on the side chugs along, it’s decidedly complicated particularly at the holidays.  I find myself truly feeling as if I live a half life.  Half here, half there.  Is it possible to stitch the two together in time?  How?  Many folks on here discount the bit about a life fully entwined as I have with my husband.  I read many responses that simply state “leave” as the option.   I respect my husband; I love him and do not want to leave him or break up my otherwise wholly wonderful family.  I miss my lover, and I love my family.  A mixed relationship is complicated.

 

I was reflecting to my husband the other day that I felt conflicted at times.  He panicked!  I never expected that.  He was deeply concerned that I was implying leaving my lover (I was not, but rather expressing generally passing high view feelings).  What struck me was that he inherently knew that if option 3 failed, that only left option 4 in time....

 

Life is all sorts of grey.  It’s not easy when two people who love each other can’t easily find middle, stable ground. That’s all that’s floating around my mind today.  I felt like sharing. 

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IronHamster

My condolences and best wishes, @Traveler40.  I am glad you have made it this far.  

 

I think it is easier for a woman than a man to find a partner.  In my case, it is especially hard because my wife refused to open the marriage and refuses to accept that I have opened it without her.   Most women do not want to play with a married man.  Fortunately, I have found a wonderful woman in similar circumstances, and our personalities and sex drives compliment each other nicely.  We cannot get together very often, because we are busy with life and must travel to see each other, but, for the first time in decades I am loved the way I crave to be loved.  

 

Situations like ours remind me of a Chinese Cookie fortune I found long ago.  It said, "there are changes in store for you, but you will be happy."  I hope we are both rewarded for not accepting that which is unacceptable.   

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Traveler40
On 12/16/2017 at 6:47 PM, IronHamster said:

Situations like ours remind me of a Chinese Cookie fortune I found long ago.  It said, "there are changes in store for you, but you will be happy."  I hope we are both rewarded for not accepting that which is unacceptable.   

Well said, and I appreciate the sentiment.  It’s certainly a complicated path we walk for the betterment of our families.

 

I don’t feel any remorse either, but I can feel torn between lives. Perhaps I will reconcile it somehow in time and space.

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Traveler40

Update:

 

I felt it only fair to update this thread.  The side relationship is officially over, and I’m devastated.  The magnifying effect is, “What comes now?”  Beyond my needing time to heal, the options leave me in irons.

 

What do I know?: (My guiding principles)

 

1. I love my husband. We remain exceptional partners and friends. We have no plans to end our otherwise great union.

2. My children and their well-being always come first.

3. I cannot go back into the box and live in celibacy - I need physical intimacy.

4. I really don’t want to be doing “this” over and over again (serial lover). 

 

With the above said and knowing 3 & 4 are in direct opposition to each other, do I want to start the process all over?  It was arduous, yet rewarding in so many ways.  I’m not ready yet, but ultimately I will continue to try even though there are no guarantees.  The options for a person who requires a true connection to be fully open are harder to come by.  However, I know that with effort, great men can be found to pair with.  I know as I’ve done it.  It’s difficult to find the match, but life without physical intimacy is not an option for me longer term.  The timeline is TBD, but the desire is absolute. (Serial lover...so distasteful to me in thought, so necessary at the core when all is accounted for. My dream is what I experienced over the last many months longer term.)

 

Can I carve out the time once ready? I found this to be the biggest challenge in opening my relationship and part of the “why” behind the downfall.  If you go in deep, the most complicated part is timing. Someone always wants more.  If my children were older, I suspect this might get easier.  However, that remains to be seen.  This is “the rock and the hard place” for me.  Do I wait until they are older? Can I even go that long?  There’s nothing clearcut here.

 

I guess it all boils down to this: I’m scared of the box and sad at the loss of a love.  It’s so hard to find incredible connection with someone that understands “this” and is willing to join the circle, let alone longer term. Having had it and lost it is even harder....at least today.  I’m generally positive, and know this too shall pass.  Today, it hurts like hell. 

 

Yes, in time I will saddle up and try again. It’s all I can do.

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James121
On 09/10/2017 at 4:17 AM, Sally said:

There is no way that it can be guaranteed that a relationship with a third person can be kept to "only sex," unless that third person is a prostitute.  Emotions can't be controlled, and the third person will have them, just as you and your husband do.   

I agree. Emotionally you may end up being more attached to a lover than your spouse. That’s a risk that the spouse ‘granting permission’ has to simply swallow I suppose.

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Midland Tyke

I feel for you.

 

And I also feel a tiny bit responsible, as the direction you took wasn't far from an option I suggested.

 

You didn't tell us why the side-relationship ended, but it seems clear that it wasn't of your doing. So your 'third party' ended it. I don't think that that is an inevitable outcome, but it is probably a more difficult relationship to maintain than a more traditional one, so it might be surprising if you found a long-term keeper first time round (not many do that in any relationship type, do they?). So, in due course, you will probably try again. It doesn't sound good, but then it's such a non-standard arrangement it never will do. You just need to find something that works for you, your husband, your children and the other party.

 

Good luck! And thanks for sharing your experience.

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Traveler40
6 minutes ago, James121 said:

I agree. Emotionally you may end up being more attached to a lover than your spouse. That’s a risk that the spouse ‘granting permission’ has to simply swallow I suppose.

James121, I sought to love my lover. For me, it was requisite to the journey of opening sexually.  My preference has always been my husband - It’s always been him to me first.  However, there comes a time for the sexual to make hard choices when sex is off the table.  The better of two options for me was to take a lover.  The journey was incredible, and I’d only change the longevity of it.  

 

I understand the risks of love.  I accept the consequences of failure.  I am not afraid to try again once properly healed.  I am more afraid of the box....

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Traveler40
18 minutes ago, Midland Tyke said:

I feel for you.

 

And I also feel a tiny bit responsible, as the direction you took wasn't far from an option I suggested.

 

You didn't tell us why the side-relationship ended, but it seems clear that it wasn't of your doing. So your 'third party' ended it. I don't think that that is an inevitable outcome, but it is probably a more difficult relationship to maintain than a more traditional one, so it might be surprising if you found a long-term keeper first time round (not many do that in any relationship type, do they?). So, in due course, you will probably try again. It doesn't sound good, but then it's such a non-standard arrangement it never will do. You just need to find something that works for you, your husband, your children and the other party.

 

Good luck! And thanks for sharing your experience.

Thank you Midland, so much.  The responsibility is all mine, and I have no regrets.  It simply hurts - truly and deeply.

 

The relationship ended mainly because I am married with two young children and, beyond those binding ties, my life is busy. I own and run a successful business which keeps me suitably busy, and my children get all of me first.  Beyond that.  It’s hard to get in line and stay there for anyone, but for him, it became a burden.  Yes, he ended it.  I suspect, had he been married too, we would still be going strong.  He needs more than I can give. We ended amicably.  He wants to stay connected as much or more, I cannot as that’s ultimately senseless.

 

It’s been hard on both of us.  There was/is deep connection that will persist for some time. This choice wasn’t easy for him. I respect him for making it as it’s what he needs.

 

Lastly, you’re correct.  In time, I will try again. The benefits far outweigh this result. It’s an intense loss though...

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James121
13 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

James121, I sought to love my lover. For me, it was requisite to the journey of opening sexually.  My preference has always been my husband - It’s always been him to me first.  However, there comes a time for the sexual to make hard choices when sex is off the table.  The better of two options for me was to take a lover.  The journey was incredible, and I’d only change the longevity of it.  

 

I understand the risks of love.  I accept the consequences of failure.  I am not afraid to try again once properly healed.  I am more afraid of the box....

I’m glad it’s working out for you. My point wasn’t necessarily aimed at you specifically it was at this situation in general. When a new lover is taken on, it is possible, I would say even likely, that the new lover becomes the new priority. That’s why most spouses who have removed sex from the relationship won’t agree to this as they are happy for partner to go without but won’t risk losing them by granting the permission.  

 

Just out out of interest how and when did sex become ‘off the table’? 

 

Were you married before it was removed and if so and if so what was your sex life like before it was removed?

 

 

 

 

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James121

I just read your update post. Sorry I hadn’t read that until just now. I hope brighten up for you again. Keep your chin up!

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Traveler40
9 minutes ago, James121 said:

Just out out of interest how and when did sex become ‘off the table’? 

 

Were you married before it was removed and if so and if so what was your sex life like before it was removed?

 

 

 

 

Yes, we were married before it was removed, but signs were there leading up to the marriage. I stayed celibate (with the exception of one terrible try) for eight long years prior to finding my lover.

 

Sex with my husband was never “good” initially, but I truly thought he just needed to be shown.  Shown “how”, and why it was so critical to the relationship.  I had no idea of the depth of the problem until after we were married.  I didn’t learn about asexuality until early last year.  Sex became more sporadic until completely ending in time.  Hopefully this answers your questions.

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James121
1 minute ago, Traveler40 said:

Yes, we were married before it was removed, but signs were there leading up to the marriage. I stayed celibate (with the exception of one terrible try) for eight long years prior to finding my lover.

 

Sex with my husband was never “good” initially, but I truly thought he just needed to be shown.  Shown how and why it’s so critical to the relationship.  I had no idea of the depth of the problem until after we were married.  Sex became more sporadic until completely ending in time.  Hopefully this answers your questions.

Yes it does. I’m just wondering if he is also openly asexual and what his rationale is for marrying you without making any specific disclosures about his lack of interest in or dislike for sex? In other words, going back to the time that your relationship was in it’s infancy, were you given the opportunity to make an ‘informed decision ‘ about the type of life you were going to have to live.

 

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Traveler40
3 minutes ago, James121 said:

Yes it does. I’m just wondering if he is also openly asexual and what his rationale is for marrying you without making any specific disclosures about his lack of interest in or dislike for sex? In other words, going back to the time that your relationship was in it’s infancy, were you given the opportunity to make an ‘informed decision ‘ about the type of life you were going to have to live.

 

He was not openly asexual and refuses to be defined which is fine.  To me, the result is the same.  He hid the issue and was very crafty when looking back on it.  I don’t think it was done in malice, but more from wanting to “excuse the failure” both for himself and for me.

 

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James121
Just now, Traveler40 said:

He was not openly asexual and refuses to be defined which is fine.  To me, the result is the same.  He hid the issue and was very crafty when looking back on it.  I don’t think it was done in malice, but more from wanting to “excuse the failure” both for himself and for me.

 

Yep that sounds familiar. Although you may not know what asexuality is or know but refuse to be categorised, it doesn’t change anything. It’s irrelevant as they knew something wasn’t right. 

Long story short, another person who knew there was something synonymous with a relationship that they weren’t going to offer long term, but prioritised their own happiness over their partners.

Sorry if I’ve just called someone you love, selfish, in a roundabout way. 

Unfortunately it’s commonly excused on Aven as ‘they simply hadn’t discovered it yet’ but I’m afraid that doesn’t wash with me.

 

At least he has been willing to allow you a lover!

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Lucinda

Would you say the thing about her lover?  Perhaps he didn't know that time would be such a factor until things were well underway?

 

Lucinda

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Twisters

Hi All!

 

I’ve read this thread with great interest. It’s inspiring but confusing at the same time.

 

My wife and I have been married for 15 years now, together for 20. We have three wonderful, young daughters. We have a very interesting life. We’re financially well off, enjoy great vacations. We’ve lived in different countries on different continents, far away from our relatives.

 

We’ve had tough times as well. With illness and our kids we’re all conceived by IVF for medical reasons. Although we have 3 beautiful girls now, it wasn’t an easy ride.

 

This has forged our bond and we know we can rely on each other. I love and adore her to bits and pieces. She has an extremely strong character and is absolutely my soul mate, biggest supporter and compass in life.

 

And although we haven’t officially put a stamp on it, I think it’s fair to say that she’s asexual. We have had sex 2 times in the last 8 years and the last time, over 3 years ago wasn’t particularly great. She has no interest, no desire and doesn’t miss it one bit. I have tried, blamed it on myself, bought a vibrator hoping the thing would do a better job than I apparently could, but to no avail. The rejections hit home so hard I gave up and hoped that with our life becoming a little calmer, kids getting a bit older things would get better. Until I learned that asexuality was a real thing.

 

I can’t and don’t want to imagine my life without my wife and my girls. The last thing I want is a divorce as what we have as a family goes so deep and can’t be replicated with anyone else. I can’t imagine to give it up over something so “trivial” as sex.

 

But obviously the lack of intimacy, sex and the joy it use to bring me with previous girlfriends is hugely frustrating and starts to weigh. Especially since I realized that a sexual relationship is just a bridge to far for my wife and that will not change.

 

I was brave enough to confront her with the “elephant in the room” just this week. We spoke about it for awhile and I reassured her of my commitment to her and our family despite my frustration and the lack of a physical connection (we sleep in different rooms for a month or 2 now, apparently because of me snoring, but I have my doubts). 

 

I also told her I wasn’t seeing anyone else or had never had an affair on the side. To my complete surprise she said she would have understood if it would have happened.

 

After reading this thread, I wonder if this would be the way I need to go? Despite her comment, I have my doubts whether she would be able to cope with me seeing someone else, even if it was just for sex.

 

I guess we still have a lot of talking to do...

 

All advice is welcome...

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