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Sexual Wife/Asexual Husband - Truce!


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11 hours ago, MidnightStar said:

@Traveler40 that’s a big breakthrough for your marriage. I hope this makes your marriage stronger in the long run, even if it hurts in the present. Now watch out, he may pop up on AVEN ranting about his wife 😜 

😂. I SO wish he would! I’ve tried to get him on here, but to date it’s a fail. You never know though.
 

Frankly, I think this place could really help him….

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MidnightStar
9 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

😂. I SOOOOO wish he would! I’ve tried to get him on here, but so far it’s a fail. You never know though. Frankly, I think this place could really help him….🥰

I’ve complained about my husband a fair bit on here 😆 i wouldn’t like for him to see all my posts. Once in a while I’ll see a post that sounds like our situation and I’ll scan it for details and think phew… not him. 
 

In regards to your breakthrough with your husband, for us, things got harder initially when we both acknowledged I was asexual but easier in the long run once the dust settled. We had 15 years of tension over sex… me avoiding it, him hurt/angry that I was avoiding it. Now we know, I’m asexual, there’s nothing either of us can do to ‘change’ that so where do we go from here? It’s a process … 

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Windmills of My Mind

I understand the anger. Own it and it may ease out for you. Just glad there has been yet some new progress for you two that is likely to improve future communication. You sure are in it for the long haul.

 

 

On 7/27/2022 at 4:39 AM, Traveler40 said:

😂. I SO wish he would! I’ve tried to get him on here, but to date it’s a fail. You never know though.
 

Frankly, I think this place could really help him….

Previously he denied, best reason to not join here. The acknowledgement may be the first step. Things on this subject appear to move slowly for him. In due time he may show up here. Or not. Something with a horse and water, you know 🤷‍♂️

 

Where's the 🐴 icon when you need it 🤠

 

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On 7/26/2022 at 9:45 PM, MidnightStar said:

I’ve complained about my husband a fair bit on here 😆 i wouldn’t like for him to see all my posts. Once in a while I’ll see a post that sounds like our situation and I’ll scan it for details and think phew… not him. 
 

In regards to your breakthrough with your husband, for us, things got harder initially when we both acknowledged I was asexual but easier in the long run once the dust settled. We had 15 years of tension over sex… me avoiding it, him hurt/angry that I was avoiding it. Now we know, I’m asexual, there’s nothing either of us can do to ‘change’ that so where do we go from here? It’s a process … 

I’m sorry, I haven’t read your whole story or anything when I ask/say this, but your times frames are similar enough to mine (add a few years to mine) that I have to wonder if it’s actually easier for him, or that he just doesn’t bring it up. 
 

Sorry to butt in, and I’m only saying it because in my own relationship where my wife is asexual, from her perspective, since I asked her to read Ace, she probably thinks things have gotten easier. She probably believes the exact words you wrote above. 
 

The reality is that from my side, it is still a problem, it is still on my mind constantly, but there’s just no point in talking to her about it. 
 

Do you think your husband has reached the same level of acceptance as you have? 

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MidnightStar
1 hour ago, HiddenKS said:

I’m sorry, I haven’t read your whole story or anything when I ask/say this, but your times frames are similar enough to mine (add a few years to mine) that I have to wonder if it’s actually easier for him, or that he just doesn’t bring it up. 
 

Sorry to butt in, and I’m only saying it because in my own relationship where my wife is asexual, from her perspective, since I asked her to read Ace, she probably thinks things have gotten easier. She probably believes the exact words you wrote above. 
 

The reality is that from my side, it is still a problem, it is still on my mind constantly, but there’s just no point in talking to her about it. 
 

Do you think your husband has reached the same level of acceptance as you have? 

He says he accepts me as Ace and I just need to take his word for it. We have spoken in depth about this for over a year. Over and over and over. There’s been many tears. Marriage to me is not a prison. If he is fundamentally unhappy then we can amicably go our seperate ways. We will remain best friends and I’d never hate him and vice versa  He is choosing to stay. Our day to day life and family life is very happy. Will we stay married forever? Not sure. But he’s not in a cage, he makes his own choices. He seems happy and fine. If he starts looking like he’s downright miserable I will probably pull the plug on our marriage myself because Im not trying to ruin his life and do love him and care for him deeply. ❤️ 

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Hi all! I’m technically new here but have been lurking around AVEN for a while. I am 45, sexual, and in a loving 8-year marriage with an asexual man. We have only just realized that ace is his true identity after years of stalemate and frustration on both sides. We are finally on our way to accepting each other as we are. We have no desire to divorce because we love each other deeply and have a wonderful 5-year-old daughter together. 
 

He has offered to open our marriage so I eagerly read this whole thread for everyone’s tips and insights. @Traveler40, if you could DM me your ad, I would be so grateful. I’m not running out immediately to find a lover but want to take some time to think about the boundaries my husband and I would want in place first. But I can’t deny that the idea of keeping my marriage and potentially being sexually fulfilled is very appealing. 

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Windmills of My Mind

Welcome @Whisperly !

 

Don't worry if it takes a while for Traveler40 to get back to you as she is currently on vacation and may or may not have internet access.

 

If you are indeed going down the route of opening your marriage, then you may want to consider starting a thread of your own and keeping AVENers posted every now and then. It can be helpful for others to learn about your experiences, the bumps in the road you are no doubt going to come across and what it brings you over time.

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On 8/3/2022 at 12:33 PM, Whisperly said:

if you could DM me your ad, I would be so grateful.

Sure thing - I’m in and out at the moment, but will get to it shortly. So many have that thing I may simply post it here. Let me think on it! 
 

Welcome to AVEN! This is a great place to hunker down and work through it. ♥️

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@Whisperly , thank you for your patience. Here you go: 

 

Spoiler

The foundation of a truly fulfilling relationship is based upon open communication, trust, respect, caring and a solid sexual connection.  Although generally happily married, I'm missing part of the equation, so find myself anonymously and discretely looking for one special man to step up and step in.

 

In the past couple of weeks, I've heard from a promising few and done a lot of sharing, but still haven't found what I'm looking for.  Some connections have been interesting, but I'm taking this seriously and am paying attention to the details. If you're into me, please make sure I know it.  Also, striking that balance between friendly and sexy is crucial. Beyond that, it's out of our control.

 

With that said, I'm smart, and know what I like, need and want.  You should be intelligent, open minded, curious, sensual, understanding, patient and above all, seeking a discrete relationship.  Please be as attached as I am, and be able to articulate why you're here and what you need.  I'm not looking for a brief affair, but an ongoing one-on-one lover.  If I'm to entrust myself and my body to you, we must connect mentally, emotionally and then physically.  To endure, at least for awhile, is my objective.  To that end, we simply must connect.  The deeper the connection, the more open we become to the journey.

 

I want...I need...and I hope to find "it".  Care to see if we are a fit?  If so, why not walk out onto the limb by dropping me a line.  It's advisable to tell me a bit about yourself and how you see this developing.  I am real, and I promise to try to reply to the serious folks who throw caution to the wind.  Sure, it might not work, but I think it's worth a try.  Don't you?

 

This is not a simple process, but I believe in it.  I'm not afraid of a fledgling connection not working; that I can handle. Not to try would be the shame.

 

I'm truly focused on men in their 40's, preferably living in (X).  I don't tolerate drugs of any kind and have the intention to ultimately meet.  Chemistry is a component of course.  Thanks for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.


Wow, that seems like ages ago! Well that and it worked! 😊
 

Important and noteworthy points to consider:

 

Spoiler

 I was looking for:

1. married

2. 40’s

3. geographically desirable

4. I kind of assumed race 🤷🏻‍♀️

 

What I happily ended up with was:

1. single

2. 50’s

3. 30 minutes outside of my desired zone

4. Totally different race


Final thought: You can be as clear and defined as possible, but let your mind and heart lead you. I am perfectly matched, but it took an open mind to see it.  
 

To me, it’s always been about the man and not the wish list. Hope that helps. ♥️

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Oh, and @Whisperly? I’m doing 18 things at once, so needed to pop back in and say this:

 

The post above is in answer to a straightforward request for the ad placed and referenced in this thread. I’ve PM’d it upon request previously, but felt to finally post it and save others the hassle. 
 

With that said, please go forth carefully and thoughtfully. It’s not a minor decision opening a relationship as you’ve gathered.  I was prepared to look for as long as it took, but see folks rush more often than not. Be clear and be sure. Take all the time you need to get it right, not fast. 
 

Best of luck and feel free to ask more questions should you have them. 

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I second the "go with the flow" vibe. 

 

I envisaged a fairly typical set up with us as co-parents and "family friends" who we were intimate with when the kids were in bed. 

 

Instead I have my co-parent and 2 other partners. One of which is rapidly building a parental relationship with my daughter and super excited about the new baby so he can do the same with them too. The other protects our daughter vigorously, speaks to her only in Spanish, and has a non-parental but still caregiver role in her life. That partner says they'll see what the new baby is like before making any promises. 

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  • 3 months later...

It’s been a slow news cycle around here in all ways, yet I can’t believe it’s been 4 months since posting a relationships update. 

 

This will be short and sweet as no news is good news. Life is humming along here. All are well, happy, relatively healthy and still going strong. 

 

The impetus behind a post now is that it’s a curious thing to not have time for even a moment with my lover (business), only to hear he’s at the house hanging out with my husband, our kids and the dog. SMH I’m not near any of them, yet they are all together. 😂

 

So yes, that’s how far and close we’ve become. It took years to hit our groove, but we are living and loving the outcome. (So far)

 

Next weekend there is a short, romantic Christmas getaway planned and is something I have been looking forward to. Ironically yet importantly given how this relationship started, the sex is simply part of the whole.

(As it should be in this sexual’s eyes.)

 

Happy Holidays to all! 🥰

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  • 3 weeks later...

@Traveler40 Hi! I’m new here, and have been reading your updates with great interest. I was in the process of filing for divorce when my husband finally admitted he thinks he’s asexual. 
 

We had our most open and honest conversation ever, and I brought up the possibility of our staying married, and my taking on a lover to fulfill my needs. 
 

We’re still discussing it, and one of his main concerns about it is my safety. Of course, that’s on my mind as well. 
 

So I’m wondering, where did you place your ad? I think I saw you mention once that you didn’t use a dating site.
 

If my husband and I proceed with this, I honestly have no idea where to begin because I am not about picking up men in bars. I also want the connection and mutual respect. 
 

Thank you for being so open with your story, and sharing the ongoing and honest updates. It’s been a tremendous help to me already. 

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10 hours ago, Hopeful22 said:

@Traveler40 Hi! I’m new here, and have been reading your updates with great interest. I was in the process of filing for divorce when my husband finally admitted he thinks he’s asexual. 
 

We had our most open and honest conversation ever, and I brought up the possibility of our staying married, and my taking on a lover to fulfill my needs. 
 

We’re still discussing it, and one of his main concerns about it is my safety. Of course, that’s on my mind as well. 
 

So I’m wondering, where did you place your ad? I think I saw you mention once that you didn’t use a dating site.
 

If my husband and I proceed with this, I honestly have no idea where to begin because I am not about picking up men in bars. I also want the connection and mutual respect. 
 

Thank you for being so open with your story, and sharing the ongoing and honest updates. It’s been a tremendous help to me already. 

Welcome to AVEN. I’m both happy and sad you’re here. So, I’ve had a long day working and do not have the energy or bandwidth to answer you properly. My apologies. In lieu, I’ll ask the questions I have for the time being. 
 

1. You were in the process of filing for divorce which means you’d made it far both emotionally and logistically. Why stop? Was it simply a threat or, what was it?
 

2. I can give you all of my itty bitty details, but it’s not really what you need right now imho. My suggestion is to define your top three needs in order of importance. I suspect none of them are sex solely for the sake of it.

 

3. I am so in love and almost six years into this incredible journey. It’s not been as simple as all that though. That’s the result of a lot of tough work. Opening is not for the faint of heart. Have you situated everything fully with your husband first?  If he’s agreeing to open due to a fear of losing you, then that’s a recipe for disaster. It’s not an answer but a solution of sorts. Make sense?
 

I’ll PM you once I re-center here. Today has been rough and full on my end. Thanks for understanding and for tagging me. I’ll return the favor via a PM soon. 

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2 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Welcome to AVEN. I’m both happy and sad you’re here. So, I’ve had a long day working and do not have the energy or bandwidth to answer you properly. My apologies. In lieu, I’ll ask the questions I have for the time being. 
 

1. You were in the process of filing for divorce which means you’d made it far both emotionally and logistically. Why stop? Was it simply a threat or, what was it?
 

2. I can give you all of my itty bitty details, but it’s not really what you need right now imho. My suggestion is to define your top three needs in order of importance. I suspect none of them are sex solely for the sake of it.

 

3. I am so in love and almost six years into this incredible journey. It’s not been as simple as all that though. That’s the result of a lot of tough work. Opening is not for the faint of heart. Have you situated everything fully with your husband first?  If he’s agreeing to open due to a fear of losing you, then that’s a recipe for disaster. It’s not an answer but a solution of sorts. Make sense?
 

I’ll PM you once I re-center here. Today has been rough and full on my end. Thanks for understanding and for tagging me. I’ll return the favor via a PM soon. 

Thank you so much for responding, and for the welcome. Yes, I'm sad to be here too, but happy I found this community. And no apologies necessary! Life continues, and we all have things to do. 🙂 

 

You've asked some great questions. Please allow me to explain. This is going to be long.

 

1. It wasn't just a threat. We've been together for 14 years, married for 13.5, and haven't had sex for 8. (We're both 52.) So no, not just a threat. After 8 years with no explanation of why he was no longer interested, I felt I finally had to move on. We went to counseling, we talked, I cried, I begged and pleaded for answers, which he could never give me. I was living in anger all the time, which was very unhealthy for me, and very uncomfortable for him.

 

Everything else in our marriage is really good. We're very good friends, have a lot in common, and truly do love each other. We first met in 8th grade, and have a strong bond over shared childhood experiences. But he couldn't explain to me why he didn't want to have sex anymore. I asked every question Gay? No. Asexual? No. Having an affair? No. No longer attracted to me? That's not it. It was SO frustrating, and that's putting it mildly.

 

So why did we put the divorce on hold? Total honesty here. Because I had actually started a relationship with another man, someone from my past, who initiated renewed contact and then pursued me once he found out I was filing for divorce. It burned bright for about two months before going down in horrendous flames. But before that happened, my husband asked me about it. Turns out, I'm a terrible liar, probably in part because of the guilt it had induced. Despite no sex for the last 8 years, I had never been unfaithful to my husband up to that point. So he asked, I admitted, we had a very frank discussion, he understood and wasn't angry with me. In fact, he even offered to either stay home while I spent the holidays with the other man, or clear out of our house if the other man wanted to be here with me during that time because he said he wants me to be happy, and if that meant being with someone else, he would step aside.

 

Then, the flameout, and I was devastated. My husband listened to me, supported me, helped me, and talked with me about it, and during that second open, honest conversation, admitted that he thinks he's asexual. He's still not quite sure, but feels it's highly likely. Once he admitted that (came out, as he put it), our entire dynamic shifted. I was no longer angry at him because now I had a reason, and it's nothing he chose. It's just who he is. We started talking about, if we stay married, how we'll proceed, which is when the subject of me getting sexual fulfillment elsewhere came up. It's something I've thought about a LOT over the years, but had never brought up to him, partly because I still thought sex might be a possibility for us. He was surprisingly receptive, but mostly concerned about my safety, as I mentioned. We were even able to joke about it a little when I said, "Maybe I'll just find a second husband, and we can all live here together." and he said, "I don't want a 'Paint Your Wagon' situation where I'm Lee Marvin and he's young, hot Clint Eastwood!" 😄 

 

So while we haven't worked out all the logistics yet, or even decided to pursue that solution, I was mostly just curious how you went about it. As I said, I have no interest in picking up men in bars. We haven't yet decided opening is what we'll do, but I did want a little more information to bring to the conversation to put both our minds at ease, and understand a little better how to possibly make it work.

 

2. You're right—I don't want sex solely for the sake of it. If that were the case, I guess picking up men in bars would do. I would rather find someone I'm compatible with, comfortable with, whom I like, and who likes me as a person, not just a body to have sex with. I'll have to think about the top three needs, though. While I can name several, I've never ranked them.

 

3. Part of the conversation my husband and I had was the possibility of disaster after opening our marriage. We talked about potential emotional dangers, jealousy on my husband's part, what would the logistics be, etc. It was a preliminary discussion, and nothing has been decided or settled yet. We have many more discussions in our future before we make any decision, much less actually go through with it.

 

I can say with certainty that my husband isn't discussing opening out of fear of losing me. Our divorce conversations have all been amicable, and we agreed there'd be no fighting or animosity. There isn't any animosity; we do love each other. But there was no way forward before without understanding why we had no sex life. His perspective is that he wants me to be happy, and he no longer wants to feel as though he's depriving me of some of that happiness. And yes, what you said about this not being an answer, but a solution makes total sense. It doesn't "fix" things between us—we still have work to do there, which we both know. But it could be a solution to at least one part of the equation.

 

I don't know that we'd ever get to the point where you are. In one of your posts, you talked about being away for work, and your husband, lover and kids were all at your house together. But just like any relationship, I'm sure this arrangement is different for every couple who does it. We won't know the end result until we get there, and we're at the very beginning of a journey you've been on for almost six years. I'm just trying to understand more about the possibility so that my husband and I can make more informed decisions, and I was so grateful to find your posts that shared everything so openly.

 

Whew! I think that covers it! 😄 Thank you again for responding. Have a wonderful week!

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11 hours ago, Mountain House said:

Welcome @Hopeful22, Grab that post and start a thread.

 

And, @Traveler40, 're-center', Word of the month? 😁

Yes, @Hopeful22, that’s a post to begin your own thread with. Great start and never say never. 🥰
 

Frankly, I never thought my kids would meet my lover, or that he’d enter our home. We’d certainly never go away together or share a family vacation. I’ve learned to wait for it and believe it can come. (Which is to say I’m a bit more Aaron Burr than Hamilton in this way….haha)

 

Wonderful word @Mountain House! ♥️😁

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  • 3 weeks later...

I don't have anything to say, I'm just bumping this thread because it was about to disappear off the SPFA page and I think it's so important for people to be aware of the possibilities in general and the possibilities for success in particular.

 

You go, @Traveler40.

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Haha thanks for the nod of encouragement  @Ollie415.  I endeavor to keep this thread updated as things evolve. 
 

We celebrate the wins, and currently it’s a party. ♥️

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NewTerminology

@Traveler40 Maybe you already said this somewhere, but I'm wondering where you posted your (well written & engaging) ad for a lover? 

 

My wife recently told me that she identifies as ACE (not a shocker) and is ok with me exploring the option of having my sexual needs met elsewhere.  I'm excited about this new possibility, but also feeling overwhelmed about how to actually find this nice hypothetical lady.  The wife and I have been together for over 20 years so I've never been on dating apps or done online dating of any kind... We have 2 older kids and my wife doesn't want anyone to know about my seeing someone else- so it would definitely need to be a discreet arrangement like you found.  

 

Any advice from anyone would be appreciated!

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We are on page 13 of this thread. 
 

1. scroll to the top of said page.

2. Count down 10 posts.

3. Voilà 

 

My suggestion is to read this whole thread, engage on AVEN and other sites (like polyamory.com) with folks who have experience and insights that may help. Take your time understanding ENM and do the work necessary to make opening (option 3) viable longer term. Only you and your wife can define and work through how that might look.

 

Best of luck. 

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Back to the homestead since I’m already here…

 

Lover came over last night, and all I wanted to do was “snog” as our kids would say. All 5 of us sat around and talked for awhile. Then, as we got up to leave for dinner, our youngest asked if they could come too….😬

 

Of course we said yes. Four platonic hours, many riddles and a group hug later, I found myself curbside waving goodbye executing the Princess wave. (Elbow. Elbow, wrist wrist….)
 

However frustrating in some ways, I wouldn’t change a thing. 🥰

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Mountain House
7 hours ago, NewTerminology said:

my wife doesn't want anyone to know about my seeing someone else-

Sounds like the beginning of DADT. Generally doesn't work long term. Except for women seeking affairs, most won't want to feel less than or like someone's dirty little secret. Remember, this is another full adult human being. 

 

Check this im_new_and_dont_know_anything

 

Get Opening up by Tristan Taormino

 

 

 

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4 hours ago, Mountain House said:

Sounds like the beginning of DADT. Generally doesn't work long term. Except for women seeking affairs, most won't want to feel less than or like someone's dirty little secret. Remember, this is another full adult human being.

Another possibility:  they may live in an area, or travel in a friend group, where any flavor of ENM is just not accepted.  So, it might not be that she doesn’t want to know anything (DADT); it may be that she doesn’t want to be the front-line crusader for social change.

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NewTerminology
3 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Another possibility:  they may live in an area, or travel in a friend group, where any flavor of ENM is just not accepted.  So, it might not be that she doesn’t want to know anything (DADT); it may be that she doesn’t want to be the front-line crusader for social change.

I think there's some truth to this... My wife coming out as ACE and agreeing to allow some degree of consensual non-monogamy for me is waaaay out of her comfort zone- I'm very impressed with her bravery and I've told her as much.  Though we don't live in a small town or anything like that, all of our local friends/family have "traditional" closed heterosexual marriages (as far as we know) and my wife is worried about the judgement we might face if we're open about this arrangement to others.  Granted this is all theoretical right now, but my wife did say she might be ok with an undetermined degree of openness at some point but she would never want my hypothetical girlfriend/lover to come over to our house or meet our kids. 

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6 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Another possibility:  they may live in an area, or travel in a friend group, where any flavor of ENM is just not accepted.  So, it might not be that she doesn’t want to know anything (DADT); it may be that she doesn’t want to be the front-line crusader for social change.

I don't see why she would have to be.

 

All she would have to do would be to "don't tell," herself, it doesn't really have to do with not being told what's going on by her husband.

 

So I think something else is probably going on there.

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13 hours ago, Ollie415 said:

I don't see why she would have to be.

 

All she would have to do would be to "don't tell," herself, it doesn't really have to do with not being told what's going on by her husband.

 

So I think something else is probably going on there.

OP said “doesn’t want anyone to

know,” not “doesn’t want to know,” so I was offering possibilities based in that.

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  • 3 months later...
Traveler40

So, it’s been a while since I’ve given an update which typically means things are good yet busy. Popping in here doesn’t mean that’s changed, but rather I’m mulling over my thoughts, feelings and approach. To be clear, I’m not seeking advice, but contemplating in the moment.

 

Realizing folks in SPFA are farther away from relating to my situation, I present the facts simply. We are 6+ years into the morph and normal here may seem “out there” from afar. I assure you, it’s not as different as you might expect. Anyhow….

 

Our kids leave home in a few weeks, and we will be empty nesters. Many families send their children to summer camp, and this will be our youngest’s first time away for an extended period. Mom is verclempt.  😬😱

 

There’s so much going on inside. 

 

My husband wants to fly across country and visit them, but I’m not feeling it.  As things progress, I find I’m less apt to sacrifice myself or my feelings.  Is that age? Selfishness? Callousness?  I don’t know, but I’ve flipped the script on him full stop and he’s not happy.

 

Historically, regardless of what I felt about something, I would go along with the status quo for the sake of harmony. Nowadays? Nope. This summer I hope to establish separate routines based on our needs and wants. It’s become abundantly clear that we don’t share the same ideas and the guilt over this fact is real.

 

Frankly, I don’t envision a platonic future living out my days filling my time with hobbies to limp by until the end. Unabashedly, I do not want to live a life of distractions by design.

 

There’s also the fact that I see my vacations romantically. My lover and I are planning a summer getaway to golf and dive, but my husband prefers me to travel with him.  This one’s tough as I question his motives.  For years he traveled for work - a ton. He’s accustomed to it, and if he wanted to go, there’s no reason not to. So yes, it’s threading the needle here….

 

I’ve considered having the three of us go together to appease him, but that doesn’t work without the kids. I’ve discussed it with each and no one thinks that is ideal. So, I’ve discussed it as a solo trip for him and called it a day, but he emphatically sees this trip as important for us to go as a couple. Can I do it all? Awkwardly, yes, and that’s unappealing at best.

 

This week, I laid it out and gave it to my husband straight: I don’t want to fly or travel as a twosome to visit camp. It’s neither necessary nor how I see spending summer vacation. It’s also against what I believe is important for the kids when away for an extended time - let them ride it out. Learning independence is a rite of passage. He’s not happy…

 

My very Aro/Ace husband makes for a great life partner, but a getaway for two leaves me numb. There are so few bumps these days that something this minor feels major. It’s also a blueprint for summers to come and then life after they leave home for real. 

 

We shall see, but I’m leaning towards sending him to visit on his own while I hold down the fort at home.

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