Traveler40

Sexual Wife/Asexual Husband - Truce!

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ryn2
4 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

I love my husband, but as others before have mentioned, after years of rejection and forced celibacy, I find I have no desire to connect with him in that way.  

This is where we’re stuck in my household too, from both directions.  It’s also part of why I’m not sure if I’m ace or just (some sort of tweener who is) too good at adapting.

 

Has your partner been able to offer any explanation as to why he wants your other relationship stopped?  It hasn’t sounded here as though it has recently escalated and become more of a threat.

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Traveler40
5 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Has your partner been able to offer any explanation as to why he wants your other relationship stopped?  It hasn’t sounded here as though it has recently escalated and become more of a threat.

All I can offer here is conjecture.  However, after being entwined for so long, I’m fairly certain that  I understand.  

 

My lover broke it off last winter as you know, the months that followed saw us forge forward in friendship. It was slow going and mainly from afar with the exception of dive club meetings, or an actual dive here or there.  However, over the summer, things started heating up again.  

 

At this point, the gravity may have hit home: My lover wasn’t only a reality, but also clearly not going anywhere. We had weathered a major storm and come out stronger.

 

During this time, my husband decided to go into therapy to see if he could “fix himself” and take over for the lover.  Mind you, he had almost 2 decades to do that...  The result was a more vocal version of himself,  yet also withdrawn.  He stopped participating in our usual and customary free flow communication.  The timing was never right for him to talk.  

 

He is frustrated about all of it, but mainly, I think he just wants me back in the box and realized that isn’t going to happen.  Life as he knew it has morphed in a direction he doesn’t like, and he’s trying to take the reins to redirect it back to “his track”.  Anyhow, that’s my take on it, but it feels right.

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ryn2

That makes sense.  Hopefully - and I say this having recently ended a therapy relationship because the therapist’s personal opinions (which had largely been tangentially related, at most, to the reasons I’d been there previously) proved too problematic this time - it’s not that his therapist is encouraging him not to be okay with something that hadn’t really been bothering him.

 

It didn’t sound from things you’d posted previously as though your secondary partner poses a present threat to your primary relationship... unless I’m remembering wrong, your dive partner is not looking to establish anything exclusive with you.

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Traveler40
1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

It  didn’t sound from things you’d posted previously as though your secondary partner poses a present threat to your primary relationship... unless I’m remembering wrong, your dive partner is not looking to establish anything exclusive with you.

 

You are correct.  He does not pose a threat to my relationship or family.  My lover’s primary concern is actually my children, and he frequently reminds me that he’s “team husband” given that’s best for the kids.  My lover is perfectly content with things as structured, and it works quite well with the main goal of stability for the kids. 

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Traveler40
19 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

...it’s not that his therapist is encouraging him not to be okay with something that hadn’t really been bothering him.

 

He has since stopped seeing the therapist, but I can report that the time with her was certainly not well spent from my viewpoint.  

 

Our good communication generally stopped, and the communication we currently have pushes more buttons both ways.  While he’s never been against my having a lover, he suddenly wants him out of the picture. So...🤷🏻‍♀️

 

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ryn2
7 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

He has since stopped seeing the therapist, but I can report that the time with her was certainly not well spent from my viewpoint.  

Yeah, when you mentioned he’d started therapy the whole thing set off a few alarm bells.  Yes, a good therapist can certainly help the client speak up where speaking up has historically been challenging (or impossible), and that could come across as a change of stance... but a not-so-good therapist can also encourage the client to speak out against things the therapist finds offensive.  :(

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Lucinda

Is "I think we should start fucking" considered a turn on now or in the past?

 

Lucinda

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Telecaster68
4 minutes ago, Lucinda said:

Is "I think we should start fucking" considered a turn on now or in the past?

 

Lucinda

Depends on context, like so much. 

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anisotropic

I'm sorry if I've missed this... does he identify as asexual?

It sounds like it hasn't been that, if he was trying to "fix himself"...

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Traveler40
1 hour ago, anisotropic said:

 

I'm sorry if I've missed this... does he identify as asexual?

 

He has not self identified, no.  He’s had zero drive or attempts beyond once ( which was at my request) in the last 9+ years, so the acceptance or self identification hasn’t really mattered to me as the result is the same.  His equipment does work, but it’s my understanding that he takes care of it once in a blue moon generally with porn. (2-3 times per year)

 

He inherently has understood there is an issue from my perspective, but he loses years rapidly.  It’s simply not on his radar. 

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anisotropic
2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

He has not self identified, no.  He’s had zero drive or attempts beyond once ( which was at my request) in the last 9+ years, so the acceptance or self identification hasn’t really mattered to me as the result is the same.

I guess I feel like it isn't the same result...
 

If someone identifies as asexual, it means they identify an aspect of themselves that is enduring and cannot be changed. And that their own experience of sexuality is substantially different from most others. Which means, in turn, recognizing that a sexual partner has substantially different needs and experiences. These things have the potential to transform any communication that's occurring.

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Wandering Around
On 6/19/2018 at 7:33 AM, Traveler40 said:

I love my husband, I love my lover, and they love me, yet I’m still mainly alone on the island.

*hugs you so hard* I know this island. 

 

Thank you again for being so open and honest with all of us here. 

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Wandering Around

@Traveler40  I'm so sorry to hear life has thrown you yet another curveball but I commend you for standing your ground. 

 

Your husbands declaration of 'Let's start fucking again' sat oh so very ill with me for many reasons...( the most pressing one being that every time I get close to someone that could possibly be a lover my husbands pulls a similar 'stunt') 

 

Thanks again for keeping us updated. You have been more helpful to some of us that you could ever express with words.

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Onlyloversleftalive

@Traveler40

 

I stumbled on this thread on accident and was hoping it was still current as I clicked through the pages.

First and foremost thank you so much for sharing your story. I am certainly a couple of continents away but share your experience almost to the T.

 

I have been with my husband 10 for years, 13 counting breaks and in between. 

Though it happened progressively as he was extremely sexually active in the beginning, it started tapering off 2 - 3 years into the relationship. He's almost lost all interest now. I believe this is because we got together young and he was still experimenting with how he was meant to feel, though he did very much enjoy it to his own admittance. Not sure if he could qualify as asexual as he once had the desire and no longer does?

 

I am now 32 years old and he is 33. We don't have any children yet as I am afraid to commit even further in the current state.

I have always been a very sexual person, in my general body language and ways. I love with my body and am a very touchy person. 

 

I have had men around me - circumstantially and mostly due to work that I've enjoyed flirting with and being around but have not gone too far with it as we hadn't discussed the prospect of opening up the relationship until recently. I found out I had been closing this part of myself off subconsciously as not to hurt his feelings and bring it up too often.

 

When I asked him only a few months ago whether he thinks he might be asexual he said perhaps he might be. I told him I don't blame him for feeling the way he does and that I'm just drained. I love him regardless and we have a wonderful relationship. I can only blame him for letting it slide all of these years because of his fear of dealing with the emotions and guilt head on. He has apologized for this and told me he's found it difficult to accept, acknowledge and verbalize. 

 

He has never really stopped me from being around other men as he understands that is a big part of me. Though everything I've read about open relationships online implies it is better not to have any issues in the primary relationship, meaning I'm scared of taking that route and having it affect my husband in ways he doesn't realize. I just don't know how it's logistically feasible or possible to have to split up my time with a lover for example without it hurting his feelings as he'd be having to share my time. 


After reading your story I feel it is in fact as complicated as I imagined it to be, as feelings might come into the way. Like you, I am emotional first and then sexual, I crave the mental connection and one night stands don't do it for me nor do I have interest in them. 

 

To top it all off, we live in a pretty conservative part of the world, so even if I did want to find a second partner I wouldn't even know how to go about it or where to start. I cannot make a public profile on tinder or the likes as people in our circles might recognize me which would hurt my husband. I've lived with this burden for the past few years unable to really talk to anyone about it as he is not comfortable with me sharing this information with any of my or our friends.  He understandably fears how others would view him and his masculinity. 

 

Sorry if my thoughts are all over the place, haven't really verbalized this to anyone before so I'm just writing as it comes to me. Just sharing makes me feel a little better, so does the knowledge that I am not alone. Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

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roland.o

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, @Onlyloversleftalive. I love that movie :D Have some cake... :cake:

 

I hope you'll find meaningful insights and possibly advice around here. At the very least, we can show our sympathy.

 

43 minutes ago, Onlyloversleftalive said:

I just don't know how it's logistically feasible or possible to have to split up my time with a lover for example without it hurting his feelings as he'd be having to share my time.

Shouldn't anyone in a relationship have some "alone time", meaning time spent alone or with friends other than the partner? You could take a slice out of that part. Maybe you could also compensate by turning more of the time spent with your partner into "quality time"?

 

All the best :cake::D

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Onlyloversleftalive
22 minutes ago, roland.o said:

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, @Onlyloversleftalive. I love that movie :D Have some cake... :cake:

 

I hope you'll find meaningful insights and possibly advice around here. At the very least, we can show our sympathy.

 

Shouldn't anyone in a relationship have some "alone time", meaning time spent alone or with friends other than the partner? You could take a slice out of that part. Maybe you could also compensate by turning more of the time spent with your partner into "quality time"?

 

All the best :cake::D

Thanks for the welcome :)

 

We definitely do have alone time already, but with the rate I'm interested in I was thinking I would want to go at least 3 nights a week. Or not sure if I'm off with the planning of this. totally uncharted territory for me lol.

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ryn2

Unfortunately, too, people often schedule their alone time around when their partner is available... so it may end up being during the day (e.g., a walk at lunchtime) or on nights a secondary partner isn’t available.  Plus even poly people still need their alone time.

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Traveler40

@Onlyloversleftalive welcome and you’re welcome. Although, I acknowledge it’s not a good thing to be here, it’s good to find others you can connect with that understand, and I’m happy you found AVEN. 

 

What can I say?  It’s tough, but where there’s a will and great communication surrounding it, there’s a way.  In my case, we have set times to make it work and allows me to set expectations.  I usually see my lover on Wednesday and/or Friday nights these days.  It’s a prearrangement that seems to work well for all. We have our issues, but the understanding is there, and I don’t hop around or change it up generally. Clarity is key.

 

I am aware that others structure their time differently, so perhaps they can provide input here as their experiences are different.  I can say that it’s complicated, and the deeper you go the more issues you’ll have with your husband. 

 

Tangentially, you’re young and made a conscious decision to hold off on having children.  Do you want children? Is leaving an option you’ve considered?  I’m not advocating any direction, just curious given you’re so young.

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Onlyloversleftalive
14 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

 

Tangentially, you’re young and made a conscious decision to hold off on having children.  Do you want children? Is leaving an option you’ve considered?  I’m not advocating any direction, just curious given you’re so young.

 

I have considered it and have even brought it up to him. Of course this devastates him.

I just find it difficult to do as we have been together for so long and have a wonderful relationship otherwise. I also think that because our relationship didn't start off being non sexual it took me way longer to come to terms with the fact that this was not a phase. I think the same goes for him too. By the time I did realize, we had built even more of a life together.

 

We both want children and he wants them even more than I do. I am just worried it's not sustainable to have this kind of arrangement with children involved or it's at least a lot more complicated as you mentioned throughout the thread.

 

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ryn2

Since having kids isn’t something you can undo, it certainly seems wise to (do your best to... who can ever know for sure what the future holds?) ensure you’re in a sustainable place before you have any.

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