Traveler40

Sexual Wife/Asexual Husband - Truce!

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ryn2
15 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Things look particularly tasty and attractive when you’re not “doing life” together.  In some ways, it’s not real in the same sense it is with your wife.

*nods*

 

This is often what makes affairs more compelling than the existing relationships they’re an escape from... and why making the wonderful affair partner the new primary partner often fails in the end.

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NickJ

Thanks @Traveler40. I am struggling to balance it all and it feels like the future I thought I had is completely up in the air. 

 

I think if my new relationship was purely physical, I’d be able to see things much more clearly. But it isn’t and that really is muddying the waters. I’m finding it really difficult to process it all, or even make the simplest of decisions.

 

In some ways, that my wife has been supportive makes me feel worse, because I feel like she is compromising her happiness for mine. And I feel guilty that I’m letting her. I don’t feel like I have any options that don’t end with someone getting hurt.

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Traveler40

I’m both sorry you’re feeling torn and completely understand @NickJ....Thoroughly.

 

Yes, someone will get hurt (maybe all of you), regret is definite, and you feel fragmented.  I really struggled with that last December at its peak.  In my case, my two children are anchors and beacons so no matter the feelings, I have always known they come first.  There’s perhaps more clarity and balance because of that, or I have been more able to keep the boundaries clear.  I’m not sure.

 

My lover and I have an unusual and deep connection.  Frankly, neither of us has ever found a better fit.  However, that’s not all there is. The full picture isn’t just the two of us on an island.  We knew that going in and that’s that.   We started with clearly defined intentions and understood the other parties involved on both sides.  Our needs, hopes and desires were discussed and considered in the months we spent dating, before beginning the sexual relationship. It was during that time that we hammered much of this out.  Sure, sex intensified feelings naturally, and we went deeper than we expected,  but neither of us ever lost sight of the other people involved or our needs surrounding those people along the way.  Definition going in created clarity and levity perhaps?   That may be a key difference. I’m not certain.

 

Let me ask you, given your feelings, would you do it again?  Would you rather have split up with your wife first?  Will time bring levity?  

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Traveler40
3 hours ago, NickJ said:

....I’m finding it really difficult to process it all, or even make the simplest of decisions.

Day-to-day!  I feel bad that you’re struggling so badly, and keep going back to my comments made yesterday....

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NickJ

Thanks for your replies @Traveler40 it is appreciated.

 

I think one of the problems is how quickly and unexpectedly I fell into the new relationship. We both have complicated situations and neither of us expected to become as involved as we have. Perhaps had we taken more time to set boundaries and plan, and had approached it more slowly the adjustment would have been easier. At this stage, neither of us really knows what’s going on between us but it’s rapidly become more complex than we thought. 

 

On the positive side, there is plenty of communication going on. So there’s that. I just wish I knew what life was going to look like a year from now. Or even a few months.

 

Day at a time is good advice, thank you. Right now, I suppose I need to focus on trying not to hurt anyone, but I fear I may be past that stage.

 

Would I do this again? I’m not sure. Would I split up with my wife first if I did? Again, I honestly don’t know. 

 

Again, thanks for the support. It’s nice to know that there are people out there who understand.

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