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Sexual Wife/Asexual Husband - Truce!


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Thank you for that suggestion. She is always very worried about where I’m at and what I’m doing. So much so that she was tracking me on find my friends. This was all before the word asexual was even brought up. I felt like she was playing some cruel game like....let’s withhold sex and then see where he goes and if he winds up at some house somewhere??  One time I passed her friend in a parking lot apparently and all she saw was that our location bubbles were next to each other and then I’m being asked if I was with her friend.  So yes she is worried that I will stray. And to be honest, do to the lack of sexual desire on her part, I felt like she created the situation for herself to be worried and that she deserved to have to be worried. Hope that makes sense??  

It has only been about 3 weeks since the word asexual came out of her mouth so I’m still realing with how I’m even going to approach the subject. It seems the tough part is imagining what each other are feeling being a sexual and an asexual. It actually explains so much of what has been going on which is like a light bulb turning on. Now to communicate needs/wants/desires. I’m not sure how to best prepare her for how I feel as a sexual??  Any suggestions?  I feel like this is the only way she could possibly understand my point of view. Thank you. 

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I would be fine giving her permission to be with someone else if she wanted. A little side story. I had an affair 2 years into our marriage. I wasn’t looking or even asking for it but a co worker said basically I want to do you now and being pursued was something that was missing and I acted on it. My wife became aware of affair which lasted 3 weeks maybe and was happy that I didn’t want to leave her and she was very forgiving. It was hurtful but we didn’t discuss too much about it. I said how she threw herself at me and I didn’t resist. Anyhoo, fast forward 12 years and one of her coworkers pursued her. She acted on it and I found out. I was hurt. But it was interesting that I was also strangely happy and hopeful that she actually maybe had a sex drive. Turns out it did nothing for her and she acted On it to see if anything would be different.  So yes, I am open to trying just about anything. I want her to be happy as much as I want to be happy. My family unit is very important to me and I really don’t want to do the divorce thing over sex but it is really beginning to affect the way I feel towards even hanging out together because the lack of intamacy is becoming to much to bear. 

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On 9/10/2017 at 9:49 AM, Traveler40 said:

This is simply a life share on one couples "truce" of sorts.  My husband and I have been married for 12 years and together for 15.  I did not have a word for our situation until I found this site about 6-7 months ago.  In any case, I was severely struggling at that point.  We have two young children, a solid foundation built on respect and friendship, and I didn't feel divorce was our best option. However, after 8 long, dry years and a hysterectomy that left me with an even higher sex drive, something had to give.  

 

Enter "the truce":  my husband agreed to allow me to take a lover.  While not ideal on the surface, it has been an excellent solution for us 5 months in.  I took my time in the selection process so it would not be quick, unsafe, uncaring or unfulfilling. The result is that I am extremely well matched, and my husband allows one night a week with him.  This has helped my marriage beyond belief!  While my husband is not wholly thrilled, he's a realist and truly understands our situation and its effects on all of us. I believe he is relieved even though he won't describe relief as his main feeling.  

 

It's a work in progress, but our home is happier, healthier and better than it's been in years.  While unconventional, it's a solution that's been viable for us.  

 

Yes, I've fallen in love with my lover, and yes my husband knows.  However, my lover is not a threat, but an addition to our lives - he's single, older and simply wanted what I could offer at the outset; that remains our basis.  Our collective goal is wrapped into one word "longevity"....we shall see, but this thing has legs.  So far, so good.

Hey Traveler, 

 

I want to notice that your husband thinks like a truly family leader from his point and allows you to "feed your needs". Not all males so far can find such strengths or being respectful towards his wifes. You should value his decision very high!

 

On the other hand, it's may be just indifference in questions aside your sexual life and he's just don't care (I just assuming), but if you have children then I can understand why he acts as you describe totally. All in all, I'm glad that you find the suitable solution and save your family!

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@Younger hah, I love how long marriages can have so many details in them! It sounds like the two of you have experiences to draw on that help navigate.

 

My personal recommendation would be to (a) yes, start discussing this as something you're interested in, it is surely far better to plan ahead rather than deal with a mess after you've found someone, (b) be non-urgent about it -- focus for now on a new equilibrium with your partner.

 

My own experience was that learning about asexuality was a game changer. My partner and I spent a lot of time understanding and learning how to make each other feel better loved within the sexualities we have. It seems silly to do that after almost 15 years together, but we hadn't ever realized how profoundly didn't our experiences of sex were. (And at first, I found it really upsetting! I wish my partner could desire me.)

 

I'd recommend making sure you have a new, solid equilibrium with your wife. Maybe that ends up being sexless, maybe not. I think having the prospect of an open relationship in the future can be very helpful, at least I think it helped me, so I didn't feel trapped. :)

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11 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

it is surely far better to plan ahead rather than deal with a mess after you've found someone,

I may have misunderstood the original post but I got the impression it was already too late for this?

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Thanks @anisotropic for attempting.  There’s really not much to say when someone plays it fast, loose and careless.  In that case, there’s nowhere to go with it and not worth my time.  You’re a better person than I am.  😊

 

Edit: I walked away with this distinct thought: “Thank God for anonymity!”

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Hm. I guess I was confused by,

 

On 2/20/2019 at 10:22 PM, Younger said:

I know I don’t want a sex partner on the side unless it is totally out in the open.

This is a very misleading statement if it's already been done in secret. Too late. Maybe you can start over.

 

I think one would have to confess the affair and start from scratch on the open conversation -- break it off. You can't have that conversation with urgency and consider yourself to be acting with empathy & respect for your partner.

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On 2/20/2019 at 6:49 PM, Younger said:

I just recently accepted the advancement of another woman and it is raught with guilt but felt way to good to be desired after so many years that I gave in to it.

It was the above that I read as “it happened already.”

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My bad 😬!  I wasn’t referring to Younger and clearly you were. Who’s fast, loose and careless now?  Ah, the irony...😂

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1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

Thanks @anisotropic for attempting.  There’s really not much to say when someone plays it fast, loose and careless.  In that case, there’s nowhere to go with it and not worth my time.  You’re a better person than I am.  😊

 

Edit: I walked away with this distinct thought: “Thank God for anonymity!”

My fling happened 6 weeks or so ago before I knew about this asexual stuff as a real thing. I have been existing in a pretty hopeless state for a long time just trying to keep the family unit together. I never even considered it would be possible to have a relationship outside of marriage until I read how some folks are making it work. So I wasn’t going fast and loose thinking that my fling would be a long time solution. It was more just a temporary fix before I lost my mind. I’m certainly not asking for help so if my actions are offensive I understand completely that you may have nothing further to offer and I thank you for trying to help anyhow✌🏻

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I’m sorry for the confusion. I should have probably began a whole new thread but I saw the topic of open relationship being discussed and just jumped my situation in. Not a pro at this internet stuff💁‍♂️

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1 hour ago, anisotropic said:

Hm. I guess I was confused by,

 

This is a very misleading statement if it's already been done in secret. Too late. Maybe you can start over.

 

I think one would have to confess the affair and start from scratch on the open conversation -- break it off. You can't have that conversation with urgency and consider yourself to be acting with empathy & respect for your partner.

Sorry, I guess the best way to explain that statement is that I didn’t know for sure exactly how I was going to feel by acting on a fling. Afterwards was when I knew for sure that although it felt good physically, I could not continue something like this on the side in secret. Not an enjoyable feeling in the least. 

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14 minutes ago, Younger said:

Sorry, I guess the best way to explain that statement is that I didn’t know for sure exactly how I was going to feel by acting on a fling. Afterwards was when I knew for sure that although it felt good physically, I could not continue something like this on the side in secret. Not an enjoyable feeling in the least. 

Yeah, I think you'll have to confess the fling. And it might be easier said than done, but I still recommend you break it off (assuming it's still available) and start from scratch with discussing an open relationship. If the fling is still available later, that's great, but it's bad to have "one person" be the focus of the conversation.

In my case, I didn't get a fling, but instead fell in love. Lucky for me I couldn't actually have what I wanted, though he gave ambivalent permission at the time (he wants me to be happy). (Also, unlucky for him: I fell in love! He had to put up with my dumbass emotional rollercoaster related to that person, and I'm nearly 40!) That personal experience with that is why I think it's bad to be negotiating "open" belatedly, with a specific person you're considering.

Like you, the incident triggered me realizing my own feelings -- so I think I get where you're coming from. We learned about asexuality, learned to understand each other better, found a new equilibrium. And now I know "open" is available, and not as something he felt pressured to agree to. I think that's much much better than what might've happened.

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28 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

Yeah, I think you'll have to confess the fling. And it might be easier said than done, but I still recommend you break it off (assuming it's still available) and start from scratch with discussing an open relationship. If the fling is still available later, that's great, but it's bad to have "one person" be the focus of the conversation.

In my case, I didn't get a fling, but instead fell in love. Lucky for me I couldn't actually have what I wanted, though he gave ambivalent permission at the time (he wants me to be happy). (Also, unlucky for him: I fell in love! He had to put up with my dumbass emotional rollercoaster related to that person, and I'm nearly 40!) That personal experience with that is why I think it's bad to be negotiating "open" belatedly, with a specific person you're considering.

Like you, the incident triggered me realizing my own feelings -- so I think I get where you're coming from. We learned about asexuality, learned to understand each other better, found a new equilibrium. And now I know "open" is available, and not as something he felt pressured to agree to. I think that's much much better than what might've happened.

Thank you for all you’ve said😁

The fling person would most likely not be the right one going forward. She is very wealthy and would like to meet someone to ultimately share her life with. I’ve totally explained my situation and my intentions as to not lead her on. In reality, finding a woman to fit that part of lover only seems next to impossible so not even sure how to go about that??  “Oh hi, I have a wife that I don’t sleep with but I don’t want to leave her, will you be my sex partner only?”🤪🤪. Oh well, one day at a time. 

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There are dating apps that help.  Just make it clear in your profile your situation.  Some people really are only looking for a no strings hookup.

 

Luckily from me, I have a very easy option if I ever felt like using it.  I have friends who are married who are also swingers and I've done a couple of hookups with them in the past.  They've made it clear that they're down to do things again if I ever want to.  I suppose that would be a terrible situation for some as they couldn't balance casual sex with friendship, but we seem to do it without any problems.

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1 hour ago, xstatic said:

There are dating apps that help.  Just make it clear in your profile your situation.  Some people really are only looking for a no strings hookup.

 

Luckily from me, I have a very easy option if I ever felt like using it.  I have friends who are married who are also swingers and I've done a couple of hookups with them in the past.  They've made it clear that they're down to do things again if I ever want to.  I suppose that would be a terrible situation for some as they couldn't balance casual sex with friendship, but we seem to do it without any problems.

Thanks for the info. I’m a ways off from that I would guess??  The perfect imperfect situation may be an option someday I imagine💁‍♂️

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  • 2 months later...
Traveler40

You know, time is a funny thing: The past two years have flown by. TWO YEARS!  I took my head out of the sand 2 years ago, found courage and changed my life.  It’s been bumpy and messy, but so damn wonderful.  Maybe it wouldn’t be the same for others, perhaps your circumstances aren’t conducive to an open architecture, but don’t stop figuring out what might work for you and your life.

 

How many years did I sink into the black hole of neglect, pain and misery?  TOO MANY!  

 

“Get busy living or get busy dying!” You aren’t getting any younger.  Lyrics from a deeply personal song:  “Forget what we’re told before we get too old - show me a garden that’s bursting into life.” ....

 

Yeah, no regrets.  I embrace the choices I’ve made and will never again accept a life confined to extreme neglect. Thankfully, my husband sees that and allows me the space to no longer hurt in that way. He too had the courage to change.

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Traveler40

Hmm, other quick updates:

 

1. My husband’s cancer did not spread, he had it fully removed and is now a couple of months out from recovery.  So far, so great on that front.

 

2. My husband made the unilateral decision to meet my lover and brought the children along with him to remove all mystery.  While taken by surprise, it was a very good thing.  We have since spent time together once again which went well.

 

3. My lover is exceptional.  I never knew connection could be so complete.  

 

4. Last on this list, but first in my heart, my kids are thriving. 🎉

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I’m glad things have worked out so well for you, and also that your husband’s cancer treatment was successful!

 

Is your husband happier, less happy, or about the same as compared to two years ago?  Or don’t you know?

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Traveler40
4 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Is your husband happier, less happy, or about the same as compared to two years ago?  Or don’t you know?

There’s no question that my happiness has been at the expense of his.  He is frustrated, in denial and wishes it could be different.  

 

Ryn, I gave him 15 years of the clearest, most direct and open communication possible. I tried every way imaginable to bridge a gap I never understood.  In the beginning, he feigned attempts at meeting me, but it lasted a day, maybe a week.  Neither of us understood I suppose and his head is still in the sand. Eventually, his nature stifled me into submission.  I quieted into a dark corner of pain and stayed that way for many years.  He thrived in that time oblivious to how his “win” was my loss.  His lack of care was the dagger.

 

He is angry with himself for not being able to change. He is angry at me for forcing change upon his perfect and wonderful life.  He’s not happier, and I no longer feel guilt over it.  I wish it could have been as I’d hoped almost 20 years ago, but that’s not how it is.  He loves me thoroughly and deeply in his way.  These days, I believe he’s mainly worried about the future: What happens when the kids leave?  

 

Interestingly, if he’d put as much concern into us and our union, perhaps alternate compromises would have had a better outcome.  Who’s to say?

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Traveler40
3 hours ago, ryn2 said:

I’m glad things have worked out so well for you

This has stuck with me Ryn.  

 

Life is all sorts of messy.  We wallow in pain when it’s bad, and that usually seems to last longer than rejoicing in times that are good.  These days, I’m at the top of the roller coaster, but am fully aware that it’s a long ride.  I accept it and am buckled in.

 

We may as well embrace the good times as wholeheartedly as we do times that are tough.

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10 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Last on this list, but first in my heart, my kids are thriving. 🎉

I get updates when you post to this thread, and I'm glad that you do give us news from time to time. I'm pleased that you are nearer the peak than the trough of the rollercoaster, but less so that this seems to correspond with your husband's trough.

 

But the piece I've quoted above is best of all, isn't it?

 

Tyke

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1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

Ryn, I gave him 15 years of the clearest, most direct and open communication possible.

I was genuinely asking to better understand, not to passive-aggressively criticize your decision.

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1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

These days, I believe he’s mainly worried about the future: What happens when the kids leave?  

I can’t speak for him, but - based on my own experience - I wish my ex had left back when he first determined he probably wanted to.  At the time I wouldn’t have thought so, because I would have still had hope things might improve, but it would have been much better in the long run.

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Traveler40
14 hours ago, ryn2 said:

I was genuinely asking to better understand, not to passive-aggressively criticize your decision.

Understood - I was more reflecting than anything in my response. 👍🏻

 

13 hours ago, ryn2 said:

I can’t speak for him, but - based on my own experience - I wish my ex had left back when he first determined he probably wanted to

We’ve discussed all scenarios many times, and he adamantly wants to stay together.  For now, I agree with this as it’s truly best for our children, and we have a great life generally.  

 

Tonight over dinner for instance,  we spent over an hour playing “eye spy”.  We laughed so hard our sides were aching, and my daughter almost peed in her pants. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

 

Collectively, we focus on what’s best for the kids which inherently makes it different from how things transpired on your end. 

 

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5 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Collectivelywe focus on what’s best for the kids which inherently makes it different from how things transpired on your end.

Agreed, you have a shared goal there.

 

I was basing my observation on what you said about your husband’s worrying about what happens when the kids are grown.

 

Some of it depends on your (and his) personal situation, too.  If my ex had at least warned me years ago that he was no longer in it for the long term (instead, he insisted he was and continued to talking about “not being able to go on” if something happened to me until days before he said he probably wanted out) I would have had much longer to (stand my ground and insist that I be allowed to) prepare for the various possible outcomes.  It sounds like your husband has that opportunity.

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Great story @Traveler40 enjoyed reading your journey and reflecting on how things have developed and comparing them to my own. I am in a relationship of 5 years with my girlfriend, we have 3 amazing kids together and she recently discovered she is asexual. The suggestion of finding a sexual partner has come up (by her) but i have no idea how to track down the right paths to this, you said you created an ad? would you mind sharing this? I am not sure this would work in my country but any help or tips from someone like yourself we be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks again for sharing and i am so happy to hear about your success story, it gives me hope :) 

 

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Traveler40

Welcome @OpenAlex  Thank you, and I just sent a detailed PM including what you’ve asked.

 

My situation is not unique. In fact, I have connected with others who seem to have an eerily similar experience. It boils down to your partner and luck in finding the connection. 

 

There are yet others I’ve heard from that, IMHO, either gave up too easily or have partners unwilling to make the allowance. If it’s truly a path you wish to explore, know that it takes time and a bit of dedication which is easier said than done.  Keep at it and perhaps use different approaches. 

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  • 1 month later...

@Traveler40 I'm new here so I've been reading a lot these past few days. So much pain and wisdom among these threads. I can't express how much your honesty has helped my own journey along this bumpy road. I believe my life partner of 29yrs is asexual and hurting (almost) as much as I am. Would you mind sharing that ad with me? I need to think the next steps through very carefully. Thank you for sharing your personal journey with such generosity.

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