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Sexual Wife/Asexual Husband - Truce!


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I'm sorry if I've missed this... does he identify as asexual?

It sounds like it hasn't been that, if he was trying to "fix himself"...

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1 hour ago, anisotropic said:

 

I'm sorry if I've missed this... does he identify as asexual?

 

He has not self identified, no.  He’s had zero drive or attempts beyond once ( which was at my request) in the last 9+ years, so the acceptance or self identification hasn’t really mattered to me as the result is the same.  His equipment does work, but it’s my understanding that he takes care of it once in a blue moon generally with porn. (2-3 times per year)

 

He inherently has understood there is an issue from my perspective, but he loses years rapidly.  It’s simply not on his radar. 

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2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

He has not self identified, no.  He’s had zero drive or attempts beyond once ( which was at my request) in the last 9+ years, so the acceptance or self identification hasn’t really mattered to me as the result is the same.

I guess I feel like it isn't the same result...
 

If someone identifies as asexual, it means they identify an aspect of themselves that is enduring and cannot be changed. And that their own experience of sexuality is substantially different from most others. Which means, in turn, recognizing that a sexual partner has substantially different needs and experiences. These things have the potential to transform any communication that's occurring.

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Wandering Around
On 6/19/2018 at 7:33 AM, Traveler40 said:

I love my husband, I love my lover, and they love me, yet I’m still mainly alone on the island.

*hugs you so hard* I know this island. 

 

Thank you again for being so open and honest with all of us here. 

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Wandering Around

@Traveler40  I'm so sorry to hear life has thrown you yet another curveball but I commend you for standing your ground. 

 

Your husbands declaration of 'Let's start fucking again' sat oh so very ill with me for many reasons...( the most pressing one being that every time I get close to someone that could possibly be a lover my husbands pulls a similar 'stunt') 

 

Thanks again for keeping us updated. You have been more helpful to some of us that you could ever express with words.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Onlyloversleftalive

@Traveler40

 

I stumbled on this thread on accident and was hoping it was still current as I clicked through the pages.

First and foremost thank you so much for sharing your story. I am certainly a couple of continents away but share your experience almost to the T.

 

I have been with my husband 10 for years, 13 counting breaks and in between. 

Though it happened progressively as he was extremely sexually active in the beginning, it started tapering off 2 - 3 years into the relationship. He's almost lost all interest now. I believe this is because we got together young and he was still experimenting with how he was meant to feel, though he did very much enjoy it to his own admittance. Not sure if he could qualify as asexual as he once had the desire and no longer does?

 

I am now 32 years old and he is 33. We don't have any children yet as I am afraid to commit even further in the current state.

I have always been a very sexual person, in my general body language and ways. I love with my body and am a very touchy person. 

 

I have had men around me - circumstantially and mostly due to work that I've enjoyed flirting with and being around but have not gone too far with it as we hadn't discussed the prospect of opening up the relationship until recently. I found out I had been closing this part of myself off subconsciously as not to hurt his feelings and bring it up too often.

 

When I asked him only a few months ago whether he thinks he might be asexual he said perhaps he might be. I told him I don't blame him for feeling the way he does and that I'm just drained. I love him regardless and we have a wonderful relationship. I can only blame him for letting it slide all of these years because of his fear of dealing with the emotions and guilt head on. He has apologized for this and told me he's found it difficult to accept, acknowledge and verbalize. 

 

He has never really stopped me from being around other men as he understands that is a big part of me. Though everything I've read about open relationships online implies it is better not to have any issues in the primary relationship, meaning I'm scared of taking that route and having it affect my husband in ways he doesn't realize. I just don't know how it's logistically feasible or possible to have to split up my time with a lover for example without it hurting his feelings as he'd be having to share my time. 


After reading your story I feel it is in fact as complicated as I imagined it to be, as feelings might come into the way. Like you, I am emotional first and then sexual, I crave the mental connection and one night stands don't do it for me nor do I have interest in them. 

 

To top it all off, we live in a pretty conservative part of the world, so even if I did want to find a second partner I wouldn't even know how to go about it or where to start. I cannot make a public profile on tinder or the likes as people in our circles might recognize me which would hurt my husband. I've lived with this burden for the past few years unable to really talk to anyone about it as he is not comfortable with me sharing this information with any of my or our friends.  He understandably fears how others would view him and his masculinity. 

 

Sorry if my thoughts are all over the place, haven't really verbalized this to anyone before so I'm just writing as it comes to me. Just sharing makes me feel a little better, so does the knowledge that I am not alone. Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

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Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, @Onlyloversleftalive. I love that movie :D Have some cake... :cake:

 

I hope you'll find meaningful insights and possibly advice around here. At the very least, we can show our sympathy.

 

43 minutes ago, Onlyloversleftalive said:

I just don't know how it's logistically feasible or possible to have to split up my time with a lover for example without it hurting his feelings as he'd be having to share my time.

Shouldn't anyone in a relationship have some "alone time", meaning time spent alone or with friends other than the partner? You could take a slice out of that part. Maybe you could also compensate by turning more of the time spent with your partner into "quality time"?

 

All the best :cake::D

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Onlyloversleftalive
22 minutes ago, roland.o said:

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, @Onlyloversleftalive. I love that movie :D Have some cake... :cake:

 

I hope you'll find meaningful insights and possibly advice around here. At the very least, we can show our sympathy.

 

Shouldn't anyone in a relationship have some "alone time", meaning time spent alone or with friends other than the partner? You could take a slice out of that part. Maybe you could also compensate by turning more of the time spent with your partner into "quality time"?

 

All the best :cake::D

Thanks for the welcome :)

 

We definitely do have alone time already, but with the rate I'm interested in I was thinking I would want to go at least 3 nights a week. Or not sure if I'm off with the planning of this. totally uncharted territory for me lol.

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Unfortunately, too, people often schedule their alone time around when their partner is available... so it may end up being during the day (e.g., a walk at lunchtime) or on nights a secondary partner isn’t available.  Plus even poly people still need their alone time.

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@Onlyloversleftalive welcome and you’re welcome. Although, I acknowledge it’s not a good thing to be here, it’s good to find others you can connect with that understand, and I’m happy you found AVEN. 

 

What can I say?  It’s tough, but where there’s a will and great communication surrounding it, there’s a way.  In my case, we have set times to make it work and allows me to set expectations.  I usually see my lover on Wednesday and/or Friday nights these days.  It’s a prearrangement that seems to work well for all. We have our issues, but the understanding is there, and I don’t hop around or change it up generally. Clarity is key.

 

I am aware that others structure their time differently, so perhaps they can provide input here as their experiences are different.  I can say that it’s complicated, and the deeper you go the more issues you’ll have with your husband. 

 

Tangentially, you’re young and made a conscious decision to hold off on having children.  Do you want children? Is leaving an option you’ve considered?  I’m not advocating any direction, just curious given you’re so young.

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Onlyloversleftalive
14 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

 

Tangentially, you’re young and made a conscious decision to hold off on having children.  Do you want children? Is leaving an option you’ve considered?  I’m not advocating any direction, just curious given you’re so young.

 

I have considered it and have even brought it up to him. Of course this devastates him.

I just find it difficult to do as we have been together for so long and have a wonderful relationship otherwise. I also think that because our relationship didn't start off being non sexual it took me way longer to come to terms with the fact that this was not a phase. I think the same goes for him too. By the time I did realize, we had built even more of a life together.

 

We both want children and he wants them even more than I do. I am just worried it's not sustainable to have this kind of arrangement with children involved or it's at least a lot more complicated as you mentioned throughout the thread.

 

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Since having kids isn’t something you can undo, it certainly seems wise to (do your best to... who can ever know for sure what the future holds?) ensure you’re in a sustainable place before you have any.

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  • 2 months later...

I’ve been contemplating an update for some time, but just haven’t felt it as the relationships are going well, and we are currently on autopilot. This breeds its own kind of calm and reassurance in its predictability, and I’m grateful for this time: especially at the holidays.  Last year, things weren’t so even keeled, and I couldn’t seem to stitch myself together which was tough and culminated in the break we had.  Currently though, things are fantasical, and the LEGO theme song is playing in my head. Yeah, on the relationship front, all’s well. 

 

However, there’s always this undercurrent.

There’s this dichotomy I live with between the unbounded love with my lover and the bonds of love for my family.  This difference is tough, it pulls me apart and is an unrelenting feeling.  Of course I must accept it as part of the deal, but the unknown hangs in the balance.  Although well practiced at generally ignoring the feeling, it lingers.  I am in love with my lover and love my husband.  That is anything but simple.

 

Anyhow, the more important update is that a couple months ago my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer.  Ironically, (and one of the reasons I bring it up here), his being asexual has simplified bigger decisions.  We got to the point where we actually said, “Just cut it out and who cares if lifelong ED is a result?”  Yes, callous as it reads, it’s true.  Point - asexuality.  His only fears are metastasis (results pending), lifelong incontinence (least of his concerns), and/or not being here for the kids given his age at diagnosis.  I’m on board with whatever it takes to ensure he’s here for our children.  Our kids are only 8 and 5. 

 

What do I feel about all of this?  Conflicted.  I will always be here for my husband in any way possible as he’s a good man that deserves my love, support and respect.  We will walk through this process together and, given containment, it will most likely be a minor bump in our lives.  It’s clarified again that my kids and their needs are paramount.  Always.  

 

However, I need the connection with my lover. I could never go back into the box.  It’s a state I fear having been there.  Opening a relationship with love is complicated, yet worlds better than how I was living 2 years ago. THAT is how dark and tough the hole is for a sexual.  I embrace things as they currently stand as that’s as good as it can get between worlds it seems so far.

 

My lover is where my heart is.  My husband is where my life is.  My kids have my heart and my life.  Who knows what lies ahead? 

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  • 1 month later...
On 10/8/2017 at 7:49 AM, Jsmith said:

Me and my husband have recently opened our marriage. I have yet to find the right person to help fulfill my needs. My husband we very very adamant that he does not want to know who or when or where. He said he knows it's happening but he doesn't want any details. I guess out of sight out of mind. He was very clear that it is to be only sex and no dating or any other type of relationship. I don't even know where to start. But I feel this is the only way out marriage will continue.

 

Other than the sex we have an amazing marriage and a Wonderful family life. I don't want to give that up over sex. But i have needs that aren't being fulfilled. 

@Jsmith  I'm in the exact same predicament.  It's incredibly difficult and everything you are feeling I'm feeling too.  It's very isolating and I understand.

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On 11/14/2017 at 9:12 PM, Eus said:

Hi, this is great! On many threads I have seen this push for monogamy where the asexual partner is forced to compromise and have some sex and the sexual partner is forced to compromise and have almost no sex and it just seems unfitting for my relationship. We already have a non monogamous relationship but polyamory has been off the table. How has creating a loving relationship with your other partner worked? How much do you share with your husband about your lover and viceversa?

@Eus  I feel the same way!!!! How is that compromise!!!  Basically having your partner having sex with you out of obligation.  That's just someone doing something with you even though they really don't want to.

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15 hours ago, dbarnes said:

@Eus  I feel the same way!!!! How is that compromise!!!  Basically having your partner having sex with you out of obligation.  That's just someone doing something with you even though they really don't want to.

It depends on the situation.  Some asexual people don't mind having sex, others find it horrible. 

 

Sometimes there is no meaningful compromise and one or both parties will be miserable unless they split up. 

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I just joined this group. Not sure if this thread is over??  This is the closest thing I’ve seen to what might be able to save my marriage. I’m 23 years married. Always have had to be the initiator. When I say initiator I mean by asking. Being flirtatious and touching was always met with annoyance. I see now why. It meant that i was thinking about sex which I never realized was something my wife would rather never think about or want to perform. She did give up sex once every week or so but always had to have some drinks in her. Sober sex was like taboo. Wow I’m seeing how people can write novels about this stuff🤣. Long story short it has been a miserable existence as far as sex is concerned and I just recently was told by my wife that she believes she is asexual.  I just recently accepted the advancement of another woman and it is raught with guilt but felt way to good to be desired after so many years that I gave in to it. I would rather not divorce over sex. I’m glad to see others have found success by finding another partner. Just once a month with someone who actually WANTS to have sex would be like a dream after all these years. Well at least I see there is hope. My new journey is just beginning. Thanks for sharing your story😁

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1 hour ago, Younger said:

I just recently accepted the advancement of another woman and it is raught with guilt but felt way to good to be desired after so many years that I gave in to it.

If your wife is OK with it -- congrats! But have you been talking this over? There's books about non-monogamy that might help the two of you navigate it.

 

From what I've read, it gets complicated, especially if you're introducing this when you haven't done this as a couple before. There's jealousy -- and maybe good reasons for a partner to worry. People tend to form emotional connections to people they have sex with. @Traveler40 could probably provide some thoughts & reflections.

 

My partner said he hopes I can have another partner someday, but I doubt that'll happen anytime soon.

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No we have not talked over any other options. I just stopped asking after being told no 3 times in a month. Just at my wits end so I just stopped asking and went 6 months before she said one drunk night “I guess we better do it before some other girl comes along who will want to do you and you leave me”. First time she ever initiated and afterward said she thinks she is asexual. Says she never thinks about sex or desires sex. Says she is going to try to do it once/month. I said I’m done asking and she said that is good because she needs to try to remember on her own (a little messed up I know). The knowing that you are not desired or needed or wanted sexually is not exactly a fun way to enjoy a life. Anyhoo, im Not mad or disappointed at this point understanding that she is asexual. Just at a loss because it isn’t something to be fixed. I’m a pretty easygoing guy or I don’t think I could have dealt with this situation as long as I have. But now at the ripe old age of 51 and with kids in college but living at home, I feel like I’ve been short changing myself and a bit of depression is probably upon me?? It is nice to know that others are dealing with my same scenario. Have just felt all alone in this for a long long time without an explanation as to why my wife is how she is. Also I felt selfish for wanting sex when my wife didn’t. Kinda hard to put 23 years into a couple of paragraphs. So much more. Thanks for listening. 

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9 minutes ago, Younger said:

“I guess we better do it before some other girl comes along who will want to do you and you leave me”.

This is at least proof that you are needed/wanted/desired.  It may not be sexual, but you are still loved.

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... @Younger you should probably talk about it with your wife. Yes it's not fun to never being sexually desired by the person you love, and it sucks to come to terms with it in a long & committed relationship. I had a lot of therapy to work through that stuff. But asexual folks can still want and need their partner in other ways.

 

You might also want to learn more about asexuality (there's books and stuff online). If you don't want a divorce, you should be aiming for a lot of communication and also working on your relationship with your partner. Introducing another sexual partner almost always adds complexity and challenges to a relationship... ummm.... especially if it wasn't agreed upon beforehand. My two cents. 😕

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15 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

. Introducing another sexual partner almost always adds complexity and challenges to a relationship... ummm.... especially if it wasn't agreed upon beforehand. My two cents. 😕

My main concern there is if the wife offers sex under the assumption of long-term monogamy and at the after menopause age, condoms are unlikely accessories and ... STD risks of unprotected sex with someone who has multiple partners should be part of ethical consent to sex...  

 

People can debate the ethics of monogamy til the cows come home, they do in most threads where this comes up. But, if one is to maintain a secondary relationship without the partner's knowledge, please don't put your partner's health at risk by trying to also maintain one with the partner. 

 

I know it sucks being in an incompatible relationship. And I totally get wanting to experience something you haven't in years. But, keep potential downfalls of it in mind as you go through this. 

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Welcome @Younger.  One thing critical to understand is that opening a relationship is complicated.  In fact, I can’t stress this enough.  Typically, I would advise folks to read this entire thread to get a better sense of the difficulties as various problems will develop in time.  All parties must be involved and aware if you hope for success longer term, and communication is key.

 

Opening a relationship due to mixed relationship failure is not opting to cheat in my mind, but rather a conscious and collective agreement to problem solve in an unconventional way. Additionally, please know that while it may resolve some problems, it will certainly create others in its place. 

 

This thread is a very personal journey that I’ve chosen to share in an effort to potentially help someone.  It’s by no means representative of anything other than my experience. Having failed at compromise early in my marriage, then spending over 8 miserable years in celibacy, I was left with either break up my family or open my marriage. Opening my marriage was neither a goal nor a consideration, but simply a last resort.  

 

With that said, my scenario has worked generally and so far.  Is this usually the case?  Like anything, it depends upon the parties involved.  Notably, I neither read up on opening a relationship nor consulted others before crafting my plan, but do not think for a minute I “gave into my desires one night.”  I had an ache born from years of celibacy that grew into an idea which eventually became a reality through a carefully executed plan.  It took much time, energy and care to get right.  That means I:

 

1. consulted my husband.

2. defined my vision.

3. was laser focused in my search.

 

The search was exhausting, frustrating and felt hopeless much of the time. Then, even when I’d found my lover-to-be, I didn’t know it at first.  He was second to a man I had mad chemistry with. Only by dating them both initially (and keeping hormones in check) did the answer become clear in time. I have no regrets, yet endeavor to make it clear that with the good comes the unexpected.  It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve loved my journey thus far: It’s been both hard earned and a labor of love.

 

The keys have been patience, communication and involvement by all parties, a focus on getting it right,  and dedication to the innocent bystanders in all of this - our kids.

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Well I know I don’t want a sex partner on the side unless it is totally out in the open. The residual guilt is absolutely  no fun .  Even out in the open  I’m still not sure I could function in that Capacity??

Going to have to tug the elephant through the door. I guess I’m fearful of the answer that my wife can’t give me what I need and that she can’t live with me getting it somewhere else. Then the elephant gets really big. 

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It sounds like her main fear of it is you will leave her, based on what she said. So if you suggest open, reassure lots that you aren't going to leave for whatever lover you find, if you are wanting to keep your marriage together. She might not mind as much if you can alleviate that fear. 

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Thank you for that suggestion. She is always very worried about where I’m at and what I’m doing. So much so that she was tracking me on find my friends. This was all before the word asexual was even brought up. I felt like she was playing some cruel game like....let’s withhold sex and then see where he goes and if he winds up at some house somewhere??  One time I passed her friend in a parking lot apparently and all she saw was that our location bubbles were next to each other and then I’m being asked if I was with her friend.  So yes she is worried that I will stray. And to be honest, do to the lack of sexual desire on her part, I felt like she created the situation for herself to be worried and that she deserved to have to be worried. Hope that makes sense??  

It has only been about 3 weeks since the word asexual came out of her mouth so I’m still realing with how I’m even going to approach the subject. It seems the tough part is imagining what each other are feeling being a sexual and an asexual. It actually explains so much of what has been going on which is like a light bulb turning on. Now to communicate needs/wants/desires. I’m not sure how to best prepare her for how I feel as a sexual??  Any suggestions?  I feel like this is the only way she could possibly understand my point of view. Thank you. 

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@Younger are you OK with giving your wife equivalent permission to have sex with others? If not, why not?

I think you should challenge yourself with that question. If you don't want to do that, think about if you're being fair. You might have fears as well, e.g. what if she discovers she isn't ace, she just isn't attracted to you? Would you be worried about her leaving you? feel upset that you couldn't be that person?

I'm not saying symmetrical permission is required, but some partners might feel offended/disrespected if they don't receive it (even if they won't exercise it!). By doing that and exposing yourself to similar fears, you'll show your partner respect and empathy -- a great starting point, I think, if you hope they'll have empathy for you. ;)

And if your wife said "asexual" three weeks ago... take your time thinking about it, no need to rush, in my humble opinion.

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