Traveler40

Sexual Wife/Asexual Husband - Truce!

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Traveler40

This is simply a life share on one couples "truce" of sorts.  My husband and I have been married for 12 years and together for 15.  I did not have a word for our situation until I found this site about 6-7 months ago.  In any case, I was severely struggling at that point.  We have two young children, a solid foundation built on respect and friendship, and I didn't feel divorce was our best option. However, after 8 long, dry years and a hysterectomy that left me with an even higher sex drive, something had to give.  

 

Enter "the truce":  my husband agreed to allow me to take a lover.  While not ideal on the surface, it has been an excellent solution for us 5 months in.  I took my time in the selection process so it would not be quick, unsafe, uncaring or unfulfilling. The result is that I am extremely well matched, and my husband allows one night a week with him.  This has helped my marriage beyond belief!  While my husband is not wholly thrilled, he's a realist and truly understands our situation and its effects on all of us. I believe he is relieved even though he won't describe relief as his main feeling.  

 

It's a work in progress, but our home is happier, healthier and better than it's been in years.  While unconventional, it's a solution that's been viable for us.  

 

Yes, I've fallen in love with my lover, and yes my husband knows.  However, my lover is not a threat, but an addition to our lives - he's single, older and simply wanted what I could offer at the outset; that remains our basis.  Our collective goal is wrapped into one word "longevity"....we shall see, but this thing has legs.  So far, so good.

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Telecaster68

That's great news. 

 

How did you broach the idea with him initially? How did he react?

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Traveler40

It evolved in time.  We were in a communication cycle to nowhere good, and I think he felt deep down the unfairness of the situation to me.  We truly love and respect each other, considered all angles for the benefit of the children and our family in general.

 

While he was loathe to allow an outside threat initially, our conversations kept arriving at the same conclusion.  It was our best option for our family unit.

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Telecaster68

It's great he could feel the unfairness to you. Was divorce kind of implicitly on the table?

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Traveler40

Hmmm, perhaps.  It was not an explicit or immediate threat, but we had 2 of 3 options available that evolved in time:

 

1. Live as is (There was an ultimate end to this which was understood)

 

2. Take a lover

 

3. Divorce 

 

That's where we kept ending up in discussions.  The reality was obvious when whittled down.  He simply had to wrap his mind around the unconventionality first and realize that divorce may no longer be imminent if sexual pressure was eliminated from both of us.  It was a gamble well worth taking in retrospect, yet very difficult for him initially.

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MarmadukeMcFluffy

Great to hear about a marriage going well! I'm also a sexual woman with an asexual husband in an open marriage, and have found that having my sexual needs met elsewhere has greatly improved my relationship with my husband. I hope things continue to go well for you!

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Telecaster68

I'm pondering broaching the subject with my asexual wife but I'm not sure how well it would go down. We haven't quite got to the explicitly laying out the three possibilities yet, and the only time anything like opening it has come up was very hypothetical and she just said she'd feel like she'd failed as a wife if I did do anything with anyone else.

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Traveler40

I think for every relationship it's an evolution based on what you can or are willing to compromise on across time. For me, sex grew in importance, and the need began to overshadow other things in our lives. I grew brittle, and the lack of touch, warmth, connection and release felt like I was missing a vital part of life.  I could no longer ignore or simply accept it.  I'm not getting any younger and knew another decade could easily slip away without forging forward.  I was scared of how it would go, but resolute.  

 

Making the choice to take a lover took time and thought measured in months at least as I grew serious about the idea.  Once decided, I was on a path that was carefully walked.  In retrospect, communication, understanding, willingness to be open and patience in selecting the right addition to our lives were all key.  

 

Looking back, I can't believe I waited as long as I did.  Eight years, one bad night of sex in that time and feeling lost for so long is not something I could go back to.  My lover has allowed my family to breathe again. It's not an easy road from A to B, but I'm grateful for the leap of faith all were willing to take which started with me finding the courage.

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Lindzabop

That's great! I'm happy to hear you found a solution that seems to be working. This is actually something my asexual partner and I are considering.

 

I like that you took your time to find the right person. I was curious about how you went about finding your new lover? If you don't mind sharing.

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Traveler40

Absolutely - I took out an Ad.  I'll PM you the details. :-) 

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Midland Tyke

I'm so pleased this seems to be working. Thank you for directing me (via PM) to this update. That's a nice gesture.

 

I hope your children are OK. I seem to remember they were quite young (4 maybe?), but that doesn't completely fit in with 

12 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

 Eight years, one bad night of sex in that time

so maybe I got that wrong (or they were produced another way). Anyway, they will no doubt be asking where mum goes on her night away. But that is just SO much better than asking when they are staying with mum and when they are staying with dad ie divorce. So well done so far. And well done also for talking about it with your husband rather than just acting. There are probably many more unconventional relationships in the world that don't get reported. Yours is one.

 

Fingers crossed for the future! It looks a lot brighter for everyone concerned since we first exchanged thoughts back in April. Yeah!

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Traveler40

Thanks Midland - the kids are certainly a priority!  You are right about their ages - 4 and 7.  They were both conceived via IVF as my husband simply couldn't/wouldn't...

 

As they age, it's going to be more of a challenge, and we are all aware that the inevitable will need to be dealt with and steer accordingly.  For now, we have a very plausible cover story as I participate in a hobby that takes me out late/early.  I leave after they go to bed and am home before they wake up most Saturday mornings.  Again, it's a work in progress that three people are cognizant of and always considering.

 

There will be a day, but we hope it's far down the line and they are old enough, mature enough and well guided in the meantime.  They are definitely loved...by all three of us.  One is simply from afar and in the shadows.

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MrDane
On 10/9/2017 at 3:49 PM, Traveler40 said:

This is simply a life share on one couples "truce" of sorts.  My husband and I have been married for 12 years and together for 15.  I did not have a word for our situation until I found this site about 6-7 months ago.  In any case, I was severely struggling at that point.  We have two young children, a solid foundation built on respect and friendship, and I didn't feel divorce was our best option.  

However, after 8 long, dry years and a hysterectomy that left me with an even higher sex drive, something had to give.  

 

Enter "the truce":  my husband agreed to allow me to take a lover.  While not ideal on the surface, it has been an excellent solution for us 5 months in.  I took my time in the selection process so it would not be quick, unsafe, uncaring or unfulfilling. The result is that I am extremely well matched, and my husband allows one night a week with him.  This has helped my marriage beyond belief!  While my husband is not wholly thrilled, he's a realist and truly understands our situation and its effects on all of us. I believe he is relieved even though he won't describe relief as his main feeling.  

 

It's a work in progress, but our home is happier, healthier and better than it's been in years.  While unconventional, it's a solution that's been viable for us.  

 

Yes, I've fallen in love with my lover, and yes my husband knows.  However, my lover is not a threat, but an addition to our lives - he's single, older and simply wanted what I could offer at the outset; that remains our basis.  Our collective goal is wrapped into one word "longevity"....we shall see, but this thing has legs.  So far, so good.

This sounds like you have found a way to get out of your "black hole"! Good luck, with your arrangement!

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Valentine18

You have made something work that I think would save my marriage!  I approached my husband about some arrangement like this but he said absolutely no way was he going to allow me to be with someone else (even though he doesn't want me).  Please tell me what you would have done if your husband had refused to allow your arrangement.  Would you have found someone in secret or lived miserably until you ended up divorced?  I truly feel like I could find a man that I was compatible with and just have one night a month and it would save my marriage.  But since my husband said "no way", I just don't know what to do now.  What allowed your husband to move from loathing the idea to considering it, and finally accepting it? 

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MrDane

I think, (but occasionally my thougths change as they get out and meet life!) that if my wife came to the conclusion that all sex from her was off, then I would put a timeframe off celibacy/abstinence/masturbation-galore, like half a year or a year. Then we should agree to sit down and discuss the options again, but my stance would be that I refuse to live a life without sex, or at least trying to pursue sex in some form. I will not cheat or lye, though.

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FictoVore.

How do the members in this thread find lovers you can actually want to be intimate with? It's only ever been purely by accident for me.. like, I spark a friendship with someone and fall in love with them, then I can enjoy and desire the intimacy. But I see threads like this and people are like "I selected a lover based on ____, _____, _____ and we're all so happy now!" .. I'm single, to be clear, and my heart is pining for the guy who left me. 'finding someone' would make the heartache a lot easier to deal with :/ ..I just think it works all messed up for me. 

 

Anyway this was totally off topic sorry! I started some meds recently and they've made my brain wander easily D:

 

 

 

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Traveler40
On 9/19/2017 at 4:00 PM, Valentine18 said:

You have made something work that I think would save my marriage!  I approached my husband about some arrangement like this but he said absolutely no way was he going to allow me to be with someone else (even though he doesn't want me).  Please tell me what you would have done if your husband had refused to allow your arrangement.  Would you have found someone in secret or lived miserably until you ended up divorced?  I truly feel like I could find a man that I was compatible with and just have one night a month and it would save my marriage.  But since my husband said "no way", I just don't know what to do now.  What allowed your husband to move from loathing the idea to considering it, and finally accepting it? 

Hi Valentine18,

 

I apologize for my delayed input; I've been out of town.  Frankly, from everything I've read here, it's the norm for your husband to disallow outside sexual satisfaction.  My husband was from the same line of thought up until he couldn't be: He knows I'm strong willed.  Once the wheels began to turn, he knew there was a time certain to our marriage if things didn't evolve in some way.  

 

I applaud my husband's willingness to accept the situation and my decision to solve a devastating problem we couldn't ignore.  I'd ignored it for years thinking someday it might change...

 

If not for the impetus of a hysterectomy that increased my libido (one of life's cruel little jokes), I'm not sure I would have found the courage to take the necessary steps.   I like my life, love my family and respect my husband and didn't want to lose all of that over "sex", but it's more than that as you know. It  was killing me by a thousand paper cuts.  

 

It's easy for me to say don't accept "no", but each situation and relationship is different. Maybe you accept "no" for now as you work on evolving with him, then come to more drastic measures should need be.   I would have eventually left my husband if he'd denied me this chance.  Now that I'm whole again, I could never go back to a half life.  I feel peace, wanted, taken, shared, enjoyed, touched, loved and generally full in life.  It's worth seeking in your own time IMHO.  All the best!

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Traveler40
39 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

How do the members in this thread find lovers you can actually want to be intimate with? It's only ever been purely by accident for me.. like, I spark a friendship with someone and fall in love with them, then I can enjoy and desire the intimacy. But I see threads like this and people are like "I selected a lover based on ____, _____, _____ and we're all so happy now!" .. I'm single, to be clear, and my heart is pining for the guy who left me. 'finding someone' would make the heartache a lot easier to deal with :/ ..I just think it works all messed up for me. 

 

Anyway this was totally off topic sorry! I started some meds recently and they've made my brain wander easily D:

 

 

 

Hi FictiVore,

 

I don't know how others do it, but I took out an Ad.  It was very specific and clear.  I will PM you my ad so you have an idea.  I understand it's much easier as a female looking for a male, but I also didn't feel a dating site was appropriate to what I had in mind.  It was an exhausting process, and we did not sleep together immediately.  We - good old fashioned - dated!  We connected mentally, then emotionally and THEN physically.  I simply took my time and followed my "list" as a guide.  Patience, knowing what you need and want, and staying true to that are key.

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FictoVore.
1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

Hi FictiVore,

 

I don't know how others do it, but I took out an Ad.  It was very specific and clear.  I will PM you my ad so you have an idea.  I understand it's much easier as a female looking for a male, but I also didn't feel a dating site was appropriate to what I had in mind.  It was an exhausting process, and we did not sleep together immediately.  We - good old fashioned - dated!  We connected mentally, then emotionally and THEN physically.  I simply took my time and followed my "list" as a guide.  Patience, knowing what you need and want, and staying true to that are key.

Gosh, silly me. I read your email before I read this comment and I was so confused!! I was thinking ''While I agree those are all qualities I seek in a male partner, I am not a male, so why have a received this email?' :o Then I worked out what was happening and saw your comment!! I was feeling a bit all over the place when I initially responded, haha, normally I wouldn't say something like that though I've done that a few times lately (whined about heartbreak on AVEN - sigh).

 

I found the perfect guy like in your message you sent me, we had a very loving, committed, rewarding friendship and relationship, with more open, honest communication than I ever though could be possible between two people. But a few months ago (after almost a year - and we were about to meet physically) he cut it off for reasons I still cannot understand so I'm left feeling very confused, dejected, and unlovable right now.

 

Not only do I have all those specific requirements like in your list (as well as looking for a committed long term relationship) I am also incapable of certain forms of sexual intimacy that most sexual men desire and enjoy, and I have a very, very hard time being able to get close enough to people to fall for them. My body controls that aspect of things and if it doesn't want the person emotionally, nothing I can do will force it to happen :S I kind of gave up 'looking' years ago because it's just never worked for me. I might meet someone online who clearly ticks all the boxes and is interested in me, but if my heart says 'nope' there's nothing I can do to force a desire to get closer emotionally to that person. I just kind of 'wait' I guess, and if I meet someone random by accident and it happens, then it happens. That's how I met the last three people (online) that I loved over the past 4 or so years.

 

I live in a very small, very normal, very close-minded, very conservative community who frown on anything even remotely different, let alone the weird kinks and fetishes I have along with my strange brain haha, and I'm also terrified of actual physical (offline) intimacy with someone unless I've known  them (and been emotionally connected with them) for months if not years. All this means that looking for people 'in my area' isn't an option and I prefer that. But yeah.. I'm very hurt over what has happened recently, especially as finding 'the right person' is so very complicated for me. I guess I'm just kind of wishing someone perfect (for me) would just pop into my reality to take my pain away.. but that wouldn't be good for myself or for him I guess. I probably need to heal properly and get my life in order before I can be someone that a man wants to keep :/

 

I'm really bad with PMs for some reason, I get drained by the personal nature of them quite quickly and usually don't end up sending them, hence why I responded here. I'm super sorry to derail your thread, and I'm also very happy that you've been able to find happiness in the situation that you're in :) 

 

Thank you for your response to me :cake:

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RAZS

Its been 3.5 years since there was any physical contact between my partner and myself.  Its not even something we can talk about - she just doesn't take it seriously and laughs at me.  The last 2 years or so Ive had a very hard time being ok with the way things are but the truth is I know I will never leave her.  I wish that I could have this type of arrangement but I know it would hurt her if I even asked.  Im so glad for you that you were able to work out a good compromise :) 

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Traveler40

Hi Razs,

 

Each relationship is different as are choices made with them.  Given yours, my heart aches for you: I truly understand your predicament.  The only other input I can give additional to what's been imparted above is that you matter.  Your needs are real, and they matter.  you only have one shot at life, so make it as good as you can.  For years, I ignored my basic human desires to the point I no longer recognized myself in some ways.  It was a dark and lonely place, and I FELT powerless to fix it.   That's my final thought to you:  feelings and perceptions aren't always the be all, end all.  Define how you'd like your life to be, figure out how not to forget yourself and never stop communicating with your partner....I wish you the best!

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Valentine18
On ‎9‎/‎22‎/‎2017 at 5:19 PM, RAZS said:

Its been 3.5 years since there was any physical contact between my partner and myself.  Its not even something we can talk about - she just doesn't take it seriously and laughs at me.  The last 2 years or so Ive had a very hard time being ok with the way things are but the truth is I know I will never leave her.  I wish that I could have this type of arrangement but I know it would hurt her if I even asked.  Im so glad for you that you were able to work out a good compromise :) 

I understand your situation so well, I've gone very long periods of time without physical contact but I don't think I've had to go 3.5 years!  This is something you have to decide if you can deal with and how you will handle it, but you really need to figure something out as a couple.   I applaud you for stating that you'll never leave her, but it's very concerning that she laughs at you.  This just seems like she doesn't care about your needs at all, which means no compromise will even be possible.   It sounds like your future is going to be whatever she wants with no consideration for you, and you're going to end up very resentful and miserable if nothing changes.

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RAZS

Thanks for the support folks.  Some days Im just overwhelmed with despair thinking Im only 44 I dont know if I can continue like this for the rest of my life.  Some days I think I can do this Im strong enough to deal with it.  Today is one of the rough days.   It just makes me sad.  I appreciate the support.

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wishing
On 9/22/2017 at 4:19 PM, RAZS said:

Its not even something we can talk about - she just doesn't take it seriously and laughs at me.

This is very disturbing, because it signals to me that she doesn't really love you, or respect you, if she's laughing at your needs. Even if she couldn't provide it, laughing at you is so disrespectful.

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Jsmith

Me and my husband have recently opened our marriage. I have yet to find the right person to help fulfill my needs. My husband we very very adamant that he does not want to know who or when or where. He said he knows it's happening but he doesn't want any details. I guess out of sight out of mind. He was very clear that it is to be only sex and no dating or any other type of relationship. I don't even know where to start. But I feel this is the only way out marriage will continue.

 

Other than the sex we have an amazing marriage and a Wonderful family life. I don't want to give that up over sex. But i have needs that aren't being fulfilled. 

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MrDane
6 hours ago, Jsmith said:

Me and my husband have recently opened our marriage. I have yet to find the right person to help fulfill my needs. My husband we very very adamant that he does not want to know who or when or where. He said he knows it's happening but he doesn't want any details. I guess out of sight out of mind. He was very clear that it is to be only sex and no dating or any other type of relationship. I don't even know where to start. But I feel this is the only way out marriage will continue.

 

Other than the sex we have an amazing marriage and a Wonderful family life. I don't want to give that up over sex. But i have needs that aren't being fulfilled. 

Open, yet secret!? I hope it works for you! I would not tell details, but I would not lie either. 

MrJsmith "Where are you going?"

MrsJsmith: "nowhere!"/"working late"/"going for a walk"

 

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Jsmith
3 hours ago, MrDane said:

Open, yet secret!? I hope it works for you! I would not tell details, but I would not lie either. 

MrJsmith "Where are you going?"

MrsJsmith: "nowhere!"/"working late"/"going for a walk"

 

I don't lie about it. I always tell him I'm going to meet a friend. He knows what that means without me saying it in front of the kids.

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MrDane
4 hours ago, Jsmith said:

I don't lie about it. I always tell him I'm going to meet a friend. He knows what that means without me saying it in front of the kids.

Sorry, if I misunderstood. 

...and frankly I don't know how I would do it. Sometimes it is a lot easier to imagine these conversations in my head, but in real life they are hard to have, and I often end up saying wrong things.

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Traveler40
On 10/7/2017 at 8:19 PM, Jsmith said:

My husband...does not want to know who or when or where. He said he knows it's happening but he doesn't want any details. I guess out of sight out of mind.....

Hi JSmith,

 

I understand you: My husband and I communicate well, yet we certainly do not get into details either.  I too say, "I'm meeting my friend." - or - "I'm meeting my dive Buddy/going scuba diving" as a cover.  This is normal, usual and customary in front of the kids, and I always come home with wet gear. (I actually do dive with my lover, then proceed to the rest of our evening).

 

Frankly, all of this is to manage feelings I wish not to hurt. While my husband is fully aware, he need not have salt in the eyes, and my kids are blissfully unaware which we hope to keep as long as possible.  

 

We differ in that I need bonded sex which, for me, is the ultimate in fulfillment.  In order to achieve that, I had to connect mentally, emotionally and then physically.  I chose to date my lover for a couple of months before becoming fully entwined.  Perhaps continued communication and time may help.  You've cracked the door.  

 

Every relationship is different as is the evolution of them in time.  All the best with your journey to fulfillment.

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Sally
23 hours ago, Jsmith said:

He was very clear that it is to be only sex and no dating or any other type of relationship. I don't even know where to start. But I feel this is the only way out marriage will continue.

 

 

There is no way that it can be guaranteed that a relationship with a third person can be kept to "only sex," unless that third person is a prostitute.  Emotions can't be controlled, and the third person will have them, just as you and your husband do.   

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