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I get lonely


mackat5

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Got to get this out of my system - there are times that I get soooo lonely!! I have friends, but my best friends live many miles away, like Chicago. Now, mind you, I' very comfortable being who I am, and since I figured out why I never married, I wouldn't change a thing. For one thing, I'm too set in my ways by now. But there are times...........

Sorry, I do tend to get depressed easily. Just part of who I am. Usually, I have it under conrol, but every once in a while, I have a bit of a problem. Thanks for letting me fuss!!!!!

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Elizabeth I

I get lonely too....but that's because since I've retired....I never go out!

By the looks of your profile ...it appears that you are religious, and from what I have heard.... churches have stuff going on just about every day of the week. Why don't you go to church?

That's where I would be going if I were religious. The small detail of not sharing their beliefs kinda puts some folks off.....but you should be fine.

Lizzie

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Fuss all you want please! (I do enough of it myself :) )

I think I understand some of what you feel. I'm also usually quite comfortable with things as they are, but once in awhile....just get to missing having someone close by to share feelings with.

Hoping you feel better soon!

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Yep. Fuss all you want. Loniliness is probably a huge deal with everyone on the planet for one reason or another.

I get that way ever so often, when I let myself think tooooooo much. Especially thinking about my elderly years and being all by myself. Then I get depressed and the lonelies fill my soul. So I try never to go there in my thinking. :D :D :D

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Doing better this afternoon, thank you very much. And for Elizabeth I, I DO go to church regularly, when work doesn't interfere. It's just that I'm a mild chronic depresive, it's genetic. And sometimes there are things that can set me off. I never know what the trigger might be. This time it seems to be the talk about families, which I never had a chance to even try to have. Just as well, from what I know about myself. The marriage wouldn't have survived me!!!!

I do have a support system, which works to keep the worst of the problems away. I just have to let the folks know, and they rally around.

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Sweet_Sindelle

Hey Mack

I get lonely too. I am surrounded by people but still feel so alone sometimes. I have my children, my inlaws, and my friends but sometimes it doesn't seem like enough.

I was at the point where all I did was lay on my couch and do nothing. I didn't clean, do laundry, dishes, go out with friends, or anything. I found it an inconvienence at times to get off the couch to go to the bathroom or even feed my children. I was moody and emotional all the time. Finally my step-mother said that I should talk to my doctor.

My doctor diagnosed me with having mild depression for which I am on medication at this time and things are getting better. I am getting out of the house now and feeling more upbeat then before.

I'm not saying that you need medication. I just wanted you to know that I can relate to what you are going through. I still feel lonely at times, but I take it one day at a time.

Keep Smiling.

Sindelle

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Elizabeth I

I guess I thought I was being helpful ,Mackat.

I am a lonely person ...but in my case it's logical. I'm alone all the time.

Folks have suggested it (going to church)to ME to combat MY lonliness... but In my case ..... folks in church are not partcularly friendly once they discover that I don't share their beliefs, and you don't experience that rejection because you DO share their beliefs.

I really like history. If there were history societies that were open to membership and had low cost activities the way churches do..... I am sure I'd attend to be around folks I had something in common with.

Know what I mean?

Just logic.....I hope you didn't take it as a jab of any kind because it wasn't intended that way.

People can be lonely in a crowd.... so I guess they can be lonely in a church too.

What do you think would ease your lonliness?

Logical Lizzie

with her foot in her mouth

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forest crone

I picked out a hobby. I am attending classes once a week to figure out how to work a camera. I refuse to accept isolation! I am whole (but not necessarialy bright). The Franklin Merriam is getting the work out tonight. Please give this a thought, something you are interested in (silly or not) there is a group or class out there that will support you and your enthusiam. Volunteer - it makes your world a better place. Care for little people? Your library needs a reader for stories. This takes only the time you want to give. Gather food for the homeless, this lets you know how well you are off. Try and look for the positave and places you can fit in and make a difference. Remember - every glass of water is filled one drop at a time. OK, a drop is small but all the drops make a glass full. We all count!

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First, Elizabeth, no harm done. After all, you only know me from the posts that I have onsite. Like I said in the second post, I am prone to depresion, and I now know that I was headed to a major depression, which is why I said something. I have found that doing that takes the power out of the whole thing. I don't get as bad.

Second, I posted here, it turns out, because I was missing the family; husband, children; that I will never have. And that includes the grandchildren that I would have by now if things had gone differently. At least here, folks understand. It sometimes takes me awhile to figure out why the particular depression.

Third, this happened late at night, when I am reluctant to call anybody. Figure that folks are either in bed or headed there. And by the next day, I was felling better, and by that night, the worst was over, thanks to all of you! :D

Part of the problem is those folks that ignore completely when I try to tell them that we exist. I'm thinking particularly of the More Light Presbyterian folks. I've posted things on their yahoo site several times, and even written the director, and got absolutely no answer. Now, having said that, my local pastor knows and seems to understand, or at least he doesn't try to tell me that I'm wrong!

I DO thank you all for your thoughts! You all are much appreciated, as you kept me from a major bout of depression.

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Elizabeth 1 - kia ora! Dont know you but this Forum is so new - wonderful!

I'm 59, accomplished in many fields, but also dysthymic (means life is almost always grey & low key, and frequently accompanied by unwanted/unwarrented anxiety.) So? You do the best you can, I do the best i can- we *can* thrive (I think)- 8)

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As Ziffler says, I'm sure we all get lonely at times. I know what has helped me a lot (I'm single, my family lives miles away and all my friends are at work)--and this may sound trite or simplistic, but stats bear me out--is a pet. Hear me out :) I certainly don't mean a puppy (way too much work and commitment--OK for some!) but maybe an older dog whose owner has had to give him up, or a couple (indoor) cats--there are so many adult pets looking for homes! Or even someone like a rabbit or guinea pig (not just for kids!) My favorite pets, really, are rats! They're intelligent, clean, very smart and can be terrific friends (see some fancier sites, like ratfanclub.org).

I know I do bond better with those not-of-my-species, and you may not be able to relate, but my dogs have kept me in better physical shape than I would be otherwise and my others have always been true, constant companions. And AVEN is always here!!

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Oh....Sorry, I did forget to tell you all that I have a pair of cats, a brother and sister - Wiggles and Princess. But there are times when they can't help. As much as I love them, they unfortuneately don't talk our language. My four footed children are good about loving me otherwise. You might notice my sign in name- mackat - I just can't be without my cats!!!!!

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Elizabeth I
I posted here, it turns out, because I was missing the family; husband, children; that I will never have. And that includes the grandchildren that I would have by now if things had gone differently.

I understand this completely, Mac. I really do. I think there are LOTS of older asexual women who want to find a nice asexual male life-partner. There just doesn't seem to be any asexual men in our age group who share that inclination.

As far as the possibly of never having children....well there IS something you can do about that...if you WANT to. There are lots children who NEED the love of a parent and for one reason or another just can't get it. Many have been waiting their entire little lives in hope that someone will want them someday.

Maybe adoption is out of the question for you because of your financial limitations, but many organizations need foster parents and are are willing to help out with the financial part. It's no longer necessary to be married or young to qualify as a foster parent either. You just have to have a place for them to sleep, the ability to take care of them, some patience and lots of love to give!

Part of the problem is those folks that ignore completely when I try to tell them that we exist. I'm thinking particularly of the More Light Presbyterian folks. I've posted things on their yahoo site several times, and even written the director, and got absolutely no answer.

I did an internet search on that organization....and found this site..

http://www.mlp.org

This is the very first statement at the top of the page....

Welcome to the More Light Presbyterians website!

Join a network of people seeking the full participation of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people of faith in the life, ministry and witness of the Presbyterian Church (USA).

They seem to be pretty SPECIFIC about who they are seeking to support. There is no mention of asexuals anywhere on the site.

I think asexuality is probably acceptable to the traditional Christian church... (I didn't think so before, but my opinion has been swayed by the posts of one of our members) but they aren't as accepting of gay folks. I've even seen the gay lifestyle referred to as "an abomination".

Maybe the folks at "More Light" just don't think asexuals have the same sort of problems as gay folks do?

Lizzie

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I get lonely too - even though I'm surrounded by people! You [/b]can have too much company. Today, I felt as though my head was about to explode - with Rhiannon, JP and my mother all going at me at the same time...where's my desert island???????? :shock: :shock: :shock:

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where's my desert island????????

Yep, I often times envy Robinson Crusoe. :D :D :D

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I'm 59, accomplished in many fields, but also dysthymic (means life is almost always grey & low key, and frequently accompanied by unwanted/unwarrented anxiety.)

Yow, that sounds like me as well! Didn't know there was a name for it...I always used the term 'anhedonic' to myself. As I get older it is harder to find much joy anywhere. I prefer to be alone so don't really suffer from lonliness; although really many people I know do. The anxiety thing, too; for me usually centered on financial worries.

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Aeriel- anhedonic was used for a while too -good thing about dysthymia: we dont generally commit suicide or kill other people. Bad thing; doesnt seem to be treatable (must admit, aside from disasterous bout with Ritalin, and a continuous use of alcohol in relative moderation, i havent *tried* any treatment...dont want to! I function without further input, albeit......less than best level.)

Finance & anxiety - aue! Do I so know about this! It can make the rest of life quite sick eh? I have two helpers: one, to see money as an energy NOT as a product or driver. Dont have $$$? What do you have? What is most important? What you have? Or, what you want/have to pay off/are coralled by?

Other thing: totally non-religious meditation (it's around and can pm details if you dont have 'em already) - gives headrest and mindspace and - sometimes - really good insight into self - cheers, Islander9

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I think there are LOTS of older asexual women who want to find a nice asexual male life-partner. There just doesn't seem to be any asexual men in our age group who share that inclination.

Lizzie

Not sure just how true that is Elizabeth. But then maybe I'm just untrusting of what women actually want as opposed to what they SAY they want..:) I would have said it was the other way round if anything. That there are asexual men who would love to have a life-long partner but cannot because they either cannot or will not provide the sex element. On top of that there seems a general (not just sex-orientation related) lack of desire these days on behalf of the fairer sex to fulfill their side of a bargain in marriage/partnership. Yes..you can pay for my house..my car..my food..keep me in luxury but hey! Why do I still have to iron your shirts and keep the place clean and tidy?

Maybe an asexual partnership is so rare that it is not worth hunting for. After all, if both are "independent" in terms of job, money etc and with no sex there will be no dependent children what is there to keep them together?

roddy

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Calla_Lily

Maybe an asexual partnership is so rare that it is not worth hunting for. After all, if both are "independent" in terms of job, money etc and with no sex there will be no dependent children what is there to keep them together?

roddy

friendship, companionship, shared interests, enjoying the other person's company, building a life together, sharing hopes, dreams, aspirations, mutual loving support...i could go on and on ... :D

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friendship, companionship, shared interests, enjoying the other person's company, building a life together, sharing hopes, dreams, aspirations, mutual loving support...i could go on and on ...

EXACTLY!

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But then maybe I'm just untrusting of what women actually want as opposed to what they SAY they want.. I would have said it was the other way round if anything. That there are asexual men who would love to have a life-long partner but cannot because they either cannot or will not provide the sex element.

Another....EXACTLY!

Every woman in my life (that I would have had a relationship with) said one thing and meant another. They said what they felt I wanted to hear. But in reality they wanted a family, complete with children and the whole enchilada. It was their idea that once they had me married then they would CHANGE me. So now I won't even consider a life partner. After all these years of being deceived, I don't trust any woman on this topic.

I would imagine that there are other asexual men like me, that have been deceived over and over again to where they don't trust anymore either. I decided it is better to live my life alone than to live it with someone that is wrong for me and I'm wrong for them.

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hey, Ziffler, you never met me!! I never made a pass at any man, just looked. I do admit that at one time, I would have liked to have children, but that was when I was young enough to have them. But I never made any kind of pass at any man who made it plain that he didn't want it. That's why I can be such friends with gay men. With them, a lady doesn't have to worry about what the guy is thinking!! And I don't remember ever meeting an asexual man.

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It can be a very lonely view from the other side as well.

I gave up on trusting men after so many of them assured me that sex wasn't important to them. (In other words, they said what they thought I wanted to hear.)

Apparently what they really meant was that they were willing to wait until I changed my mind - as long as it didn't take me too long.

I suspect that all of us have been hurt by other people who put demands on us that we couldn't meet and then rejected us for failing to meet them.

Since I've been part of AVEN I've mellowed out considerably in my attitude toward men and I feel like I have finally started to let go of a lifetime's accumulation of bitterness. It's certainly a major step in the right direction, but I would be lying if I claimed to have regained the ability to trust a man to stay with me for life.

Much as I wish I could change it, I think that aspect of me is broken beyond repair. The best I can do is to take things one day at a time.

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick.

-Greybird

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Elizabeth I

I never met a an asexual man..... ever. I only know they exist beause of the ones on AVEN.

For as long as I can remember, I have heard married women complaining about how they couldn't be bothered with it any more....and there were always plenty of married men hitting on me thinking they were going to get some kind of pity sex or something BECAUSE their wives didn't want sex!

In my case..I'd rather be the one paying the bills than the one cleaning the house .... but I prolly could never support a "trophy" husband.... a fat old bald one would be ok...as long as he kept his chores done !!!!! hahahaha

Seriously though folks..... I think a companion is what most of us are seeking. Not a servant..... or a meal-ticket

But gosh fellas....haven't you noticed how out-numbered you are here?

Lizzie

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Lizzie

we may be outnumbered..or we may not be..:) I can hardly tell for all the pinches of salt I scatter on the messages

One thing I AM clear about..we simply do not trust anyone to actually tell the truth about their feelings any more. Trust is like a glass vase. Once broken it can never be repaired. Betrayed once you can simply never give the same total trust to another (no matter how deserving of such trust that other might be).

roddy

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It can be a very lonely view from the other side as well.

I gave up on trusting men after so many of them assured me that sex wasn't important to them. (In other words, they said what they thought I wanted to hear.)

Greybird......

I knew it had to be two way, it's just being a man, I only see it from my side of the mirror. Thanks for confirming that it's on the other side also.

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hey, Ziffler, you never met me!! I never made a pass at any man, just looked. I do admit that at one time, I would have liked to have children, but that was when I was young enough to have them.

You're right, never met you. :D And I would have loved to of adopted about 30 kids. "When I was younger." :D

I do admit that at one time, I would have liked to have children,

As soon as you uttered that statement, I would have ran for the hills and never looked back. Not that I don't like kids, because I love kids, but I don't ever want to father any kids. :D :D :D

Can you see the mixed signal??????? I am curious if women can see that mixed signal that they give to asexual men?

"I agree with you about just being friends but I would have liked to of had children." Definately a mixed signal and that's why me as a guy can't and won't trust a woman that says it. Can you see were I see that as a deception? Do women just understand that isn't talking about sex where us guys see it as talking sex?

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Ziffler, the problem with me is that at the time when I was able to have children, you would have scared me away just by being male!! I still hadn't dealt with the rapes(2-by the same perp) that happened when I was about 10. I NEVER dated anybody because of that! I think that I had a wall built around me that all the males around me could at least feel, if not see. So you see, even if my words send mixed signals, I never sent them at that time when I was able to have children. It was just go away, don't bother me!!!!!!! You're male!!!!!! I do better these days. Thank God!

I still have NOT had many dates, and those are with fellows that I trust, and trust comes VERY hard for me. The trust is that they will not want to have sex. That's why the GLBT community is so important for me.

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Ziffler, the problem with me is that at the time when I was able to have children, you would have scared me away just by being male!!

I can understand that. I was scared of women also. At that time in our history, if a woman cried rape the man was sent to prison and did not pass go. So, I was always feared about that happening. The old saying that a woman scorned is hell on earth. I feared if the woman wanted sex and I refused she could ruin me instantly. Remember, that was before CSI and forensics. No DNA, no nothing to save the guy. If you were accused then you went to prison. Like it is today with child molestors. If a person is accused, as long as the accuser sticks with the accusation, you will go to prison, even if you are innocent.

Don't take this wrong. I'm not making light of what happened to you. I believe any kind of forced sex against anyone to be the vialest crime imaginable. But I also know that there are lots of innocent people in prison for sexual crimes they never committed.

So like you said: I would have been scared of you, just because you are a woman.

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Elizabeth I

wow...we really ARE a wounded bunch!

I have had a few bad experiences as well..... but I don't think I'm at the point where I could never trust anyone. I hope not.

Of course, the fact that I'm such a hermit might suggest otherwise.

Lizzie

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