Coping with regret?

[Brodertun]

hey t_hinker,

from personal experience, i can understand being angry at someone for hurting you in profound, life changing ways, and carrying that around for a long, long time. i'm still working on letting go of stuff, and it is much easier said than done. i wanted to share a recent "epiphany" i had regarding this. (it might be crystal clear to a lot of people but it really hit me hard....)

....the person that hurt me stole my childhood from me and basically affected every other relationship i have ever had in some way, usually a negative way. by carrying around the anger and resentment (and it is a motherload!) i'm allowing him to steal my present life too. i don't want to give him my future so i'm working on letting things go. in some weird way i think that by holding onto the RAGE, i was "punishing" him. he's dead so that's a pretty crazy thought. plus, i'm really punishing myself. how can something as simplistic as "letting go" be so hard to do? i never talk about this, feels good to get it out.

I realize my situation is unique as the guy taht hurt me tried to (and in some ways stillt rys to) help me get it over it.

The first step for me was getting sick of being miserable over it. Then I was able to accept some things and "pretend" to believe others that helped me get over it more. With time he became less and less prominent in my life. Sure on occasion I still catch myself saying his name out of the blue, but I'll either pretend gag or think of something else when that happens - it no longer upsets me

[T_Hinker]

Calla_lilly,

Read the dates. This demise and the subsequent revelations happened just over a year ago.

I had buried (and forgotten)everything for close to 50 years and these things were not a big enough problem to me to deny him 6 years of my life. I didn't know and had smoothed over so much telling myself "Hey, it ain't so bad, any childhood you survived wasn't all THAT bad" I'd heard too many truly horrible stories that made mine pale so I chose to get over it and let bygones be bygones.

I'm not one who worries or frets. I take in new information (or a problem) and I file it to the back of my brain. There I let it codgitate. Usually in about 3 days I have the solution to a problem without ever having thought about it. In this case, for months after her visit I felt great! I felt like AT LAST! I'M FREE! the big bad wolf is dead and I can begin MY life!

Then in the past few months, a growing sense of disquiet.....What could it be? In the last couple of months I began to put my finger on it. This Labor Day weekend I found myself completely immobilized with severe depression.

I don't even think it's ME that I'm angry about. This stuff happened to HER it ruined HER life. I think it's a deeper issue than something happening to oneself. I have spent a lifetime creating defenses (albeit unhealthy perhaps) but SHE is the one who's life was ruined (and physically too) but like orphans, I am the big sister, I feel responsible.

I am not one who goes around asking for pity or feeling sorry for myself but I am prone to getting blindsided by depression that I don't see coming. I think I keep any 'real' emotions so buried that even I don't register them. There are times where I think things are fine and then one day I'll have a drink and spend the entire weekend in a crying heap and then realize that things are not fine, that something is hurting really bad and I refused to acknowlege it. Were it not for this, I probably would never cry at all.

I WILL 'let go of it' just as soon as it is dealt with, so thank you very much and please let me have this bone until I've at least got the meat off it!

My sister is coming up to live with me. I think that will be very cathartic. We will have plenty of time to heal one another I hope.

[Calla_Lily]

hi t_hinker,

i wasn't trying to tell you to "let go of it" as in hurry up and get on with it. i think you've misunderstood me. i was assuming your situation was similar to mine and i was trying to relate to you. after reading your reply i see i was wrong. i was only trying to help. posting on boards can be great but there can be a lot of misunderstanding when you cannot have immediate feedback and see a person's face, hear intonations etc. i just wanted to clarify the misunderstanding. be well.

[Calla_Lily]

hey triple_a,

thanks for sharing how you've dealt with your situation. what i've been doing hasn't worked well so i appreciate input from other people who've "been there, done that". i beat myself up that i'm not over this yet. i really WANT to be done with it.

[sunset]

I've come to see the past as a forest path. If I want to, I can walk down and decide which side path (memory) to take. They are always there - I can't deny them. But I can decide to take the path for a while, or just peek in and then go back home to the present. It's important to me to know that I can control re-visiting old memories. I think it's a mistake, though, to deny their importance. I agree that we can learn so much from them. I also think we pay a high price for denial (look at alcoholics).

Facing my own failings makes me much less judgemental toward others than I would otherwise be.

I also found an imagery exercise that worked well. If something is bothering me, I think of it as a tangible huge object. Then I imagine it decreasing in size until it is very very small and can sit in my hand. Because in the vast scheme of things, the problem is that small, it feels right. If I want, I can throw it down the forest path.

[Brodertun]

hey triple_a,

thanks for sharing how you've dealt with your situation. what i've been doing hasn't worked well so i appreciate input from other people who've "been there, done that". i beat myself up that i'm not over this yet. i really WANT to be done with it.

though I buried my feelings before becoming active on aven, a large part of understanding and overcomiing it came from relating experiences with pobblebonk.

he once commented how I had seemed to have already worked everything out, when in truth I was working things out as I related my memories and feelings to him.

I know I recently posted the thread we hijacked on this issue somewhere (maybe here) so I won't post it again, but that thread was a significant help to me

[janlascko]

for regrets. We all do the best we can with what information & other resources we have. Sure we wish things could have been different, better, wiser, but it's not, so we make do. Our character is the fabric of our memories and experiences. Live each day as a gift and be greatful we're not in the obituaries. We are who we are, and that's a great thing

[T_Hinker]

AMEN Lascko

for regrets. We all do the best we can with what information & other resources we have. Sure we wish things could have been different, better, wiser, but it's not, so we make do. Our character is the fabric of our memories and experiences. Live each day as a gift and be greatful we're not in the obituaries. We are who we are, and that's a great thing

The development and maintenence of character though does require that a resolution be found and ingested.

We all have things that didn't go according to plan. It is important to find a viewpoint that fits with one's better ideals.

I am trying VERY hard to convince myself that I took the high road.

At this age it is inevitable that we will find things that should have come out better.

It's a rough road but somebody's gotta hoe it.

[winter]

i know we all take paths we may later wish we hadn't, but i try to live by my mother's philosophy that "everything happens for a reason." then again, that doesn't always make you feel better.

the only way i know to truly overcome regret is to move forward with a new projectt or endeavour. no matter where you are in life there is always a future.

[fern]

I like this quote.

"Learn to wish that everything should come to pass exactly as it does."

-Epictetus

[T_Hinker]

The Taoist belief that 'everything is as it should be' is the closest philosophy to my beliefs but LIVING it is different. You all know that to be in the CENTER of the pivot is different than the 'outside view'. I try to view any proplem from the outside, the perspective is much better there.

Some issues get close to the bone and have life altering consequences.

It's easy to say 'get on with it' and I am doing that with this one. My sister is coming from TX to (WA) live with me. I am very happy that we will have our first opportunity to have some family. Neither of us ever have. Now I'm worried that we will be 'old spinsters' together. We will watch each other die.

If this is all the legacy he left to the family name. It sucks.

In the Big Picture; I have newspaper clippings that say his forefather in 1700(something) came to America with the largest personal library of books (I have 4 of them)Clippings from his Grandfather's 75th birthday, his grandson's birthday (my father).

My father had 3 children to carry on the name. One son and 2 daughters. The son was sterile and is now asexual. Both daughters had children. 3 females, one male. They all carry their father's last names. Both daughters were and are asexual but sociatal pressure won them to having children. Now in our 40's we are completely asexual.

How's 3 for 3?

We plan to put together 4 photo albums of the family heritage for any future generation who happens to be interested with the exception that all of the xx donor's photos will be marked with the word 'pedophile'.

This is not my forum and regret is regret. The word itself implies that there are issues that are hard to deal with in the big picture.

When I was 10 I met my father's father. He told me that he hated dogs, even puppies because they became dogs. Even now I wonder at how bad a person's life must have been to get to a point where they can hate puppies. I admit to having becoming callous and cynical but I still cannot see becoming THAT Hard.

[pinkfizzie]

Regrets? I wish I had but few. However I remind myself daily of a couple monumental decisons that I feel helped ruin my life. I know I should be grateful for what I am and what I have, but I guess I get a little envious of those with more or who have more education, brains, etc

[moonstar]

I regret letting sexuals make me feel like I wasn't fully human or mature or messed up for not spreading it like it was going out of style..

[Tanwen]

Ive ben studying Taoism and keep telling myself I'm who I should be and doing what I'm intended to do - no, it isn't always easy and I have bad days when I want to rant and rave at the universe because things aren't as I want them...but no-one is going to take any notice. I can't go back in time and change a single thing or thought I've had, I try to put it down to exprience and not let it spoil what is to come.

[cdraines1959]

if you get a good enough answer, please pass it on to me. my entire waking hours are spent would have, should have, could have. i can't stop it either, so i have no advise, only a feeling of understanding for you.

[snowlion]

I found this site, like some others, by doing a google search for "coping with regret", and though I am not at all "asexual," I have been emotionally damaged for years which led to having such difficulty in relationships that I gave up for over 10 years. Which I now regret doing.

It was because of depression and unresolved issues mostly that this happened.

After reading the posts here, one thing that is comforting is just the knowledge that I am not alone in my feelings, and that others also cope and offer encouragement.

Thank you for bringing up this topic.

[oja]

Regret... yes I can tell you about regret. I can easily say that 90% of the pain I have experienced in life was a direct result of forcing myself to be sexual, and the devastating relationships that followed suit.

But-- no one knows what could have been otherwise. It's easy for us to say, "Oh, if this hadn't happened to me, my life would be perfect." But causal effects are so delicate and fluid there really is no way to know that avoiding N or X event would mean you'd be happier today. This realization is how I cope with it.