Jump to content

Getting Married I guess?


KoiLilly

Recommended Posts

So after 14 years of an awkward totally-not-in-a-relationship relationship, he popped the question and I responded with an "ehh... I dont know", to which he took as a yes and announced it to everyone. So now I guess I'm engaged?

We started seeing each other when I was around 13, and he was 14 in high school. I didn't really understand how I was at the time or what my feelings were since I was so shy and scared of everyone, and since I was so young and naive the concept of sexual interaction was not even in my realm of possibilities. Told him I was too shy, he understood, and we went all through highschool without doing anything. Eventually the pressure of having sex was becoming too much and I was unhappy, and I broke up with him around 20 (he lasted that long, what a trooper). Although I never "got back" with him we were still pretty much inseparable and I realized our relationship never really changed, although the weight of not being involved with someone and "needing" to have sex was much more relaxing for me. I did end up experimenting with someone that I had no real emotional bond with which ended in disgusted and bored failure, as did he (after he found out). According to him it wasn't anything interesting, especially without me, and since neither of us has become involved with someone again. 

Now, I never said we were dating again. I suppose from an outside view thats how it was, but I kind of love the weird since of freedom I have. I enjoy my space, like being alone, and enjoy only conversing with people when I'm good and ready. He's always been accepting of that. Now suddenly we're engaged? And people are both shocked (since they know me) and keep poking me in the sides with "well now you're going to have to sleep with him"! 

Sadly, and I know this is on my end, I am disgusted by physical contact. I can't stand it. Kissing is out, saliva is horrid. I don't even like to be hugged. And he knows this. I recoil all the time, even when he just attempts a back rub. He says he understands, then he takes me out on a "romantic" night out (I am not in the least a romantic person), and asks for a kiss. I say no. Its awkward, then I suddenly feel like I'm somehow a bad person. Ive always told him he needs to seek out someone who can fulfill his emotional and physical needs, that I'm not that person. He always says he doesn't need anyone else, that he understands the way that I am, then makes these perhaps unintentional gestures of desire. I feel inadequate, even selfish for consuming this mans time that could be given to someone else more worthy and I'm frustrated by this. Every time I find myself okay with the concept of even being married to my best friend I'm reminded that I'm not able to do for him what he wants and I'm lacking somehow. 

I never even imagined myself getting married, even as a little girl. It just never really occurred to me. I have no big dream of a wedding, no idea about a dress, no idea about a cake or theme. I miss not being attached to someone, my solidarity. And I know I'm sounding selfish. I'm sure so many people like me would be happy to have someone like him around. I just hate this constant feeling that I'm such a terrible person purely because of something I can't control. I feel trapped

I suppose I'm ranting by this point. I guess I just wanted to get my feelings out there. I've never really discussed myself or my feelings before with anyone but him. Even my father states "its just a phase", so I find not bringing it up to just be the best idea. I especially don't talk about it with my peers. Sorry for such a lengthy post. I needed to vent. 

Has anyone else felt this kind of frustration? Or am I just irrational?

 

Edit: I do want to say that I don't want it to come across as if I'm blameless. While I was figuring myself out and spending time with him we did often comment that he was the only person I could stand to be around for long periods of time, and "what would" scenarios (what would our house be like if we lived together? What kind of decorations would we have?). He's always been one of the best people in my life and has always supported me when I needed it most. I probably wouldn't be here without it, and if I could feel a love outside of my direct family he would probably be the closest. I do love him in my own way, I'm just upset it's not to the passionate degree I feel he needs

Edit 2: Can someone move this? Posted in the wrong forum section

Link to post
Share on other sites

I managed to never be in a relationship so I can't say I know what I'm saying, but this is exactly a reason why I don't really try to find a significant other. I have a feeling that I'd feel like not enough, like I'm taking more than I'm giving and I'm not okay with that. I unfortunately would be scared that one day this other person would feel I'm not enough, not what they need after all and would want to break up, just when I got usesd to having them around. So I guess that after some time of this my mental health would deteriorate. Also I'm an introvert and love my space, privacy, choosing when to be with other people and when being alone. So yes, I believe relationships like that can be frustrating.

 

And hey, don't worry, everyone need to vent from time to time ;) 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Really, cancel the engagement. You're not well matched, and he bounced you into it. Otherwise you've got the rest of your life married to someone who's better to be friends with (or until you get divorced instead...).

 

Quote

he popped the question and I responded with an "ehh... I dont know", to which he took as a yes and announced it to everyone.

That, in itself, is enough to raise major red flags. He's just ignoring your wishes over one of the biggest decisions of your life. You want to be married to someone who does that?

 

Yes, it'll be awkward and painful, but not as awkward and painful as being married to him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Treesarepretty

If one party says the relationship is over, then it is over. @Telecaster68 brings up a good point about him ignoring you, but I would add to that the fact that it looks like he is recruiting everyone you know to pressure you into the marriage.

 

If telling him, consistantly, that you aren't into him in that way doesn't work then you need to end it more convincingly. If he is using other people to pressure you and you find that too big a barrier, then you need to recruit your own allies irl.

 

Something that lasts from puberty to 27 isn't a "phase." Your dad probably thinks that because he doesn't know about asexuality and you don't to talk to him about it. 

 

It isn't selfish to say "no" to a relationship you don't want, and if he is wasting his time with you AFTER you have told him your feelings then that is his decision, his fault, and his problem. Just make sure you are CLEAR about it. 

 

Good luck, and have some :cake:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for sharing, it is good to get the thoughts out on paper (or screen).

 

You really need to talk to him about these issues you are having. Your reply to the question of marriage was I don't know but he has told others that you are engaged.

 

You need to look at what you want and you both need to look at what he wants and decide whether or not you can make it work that you both are happy in the relationship.

 

Hope whatever you decide makes you happy.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Your description sounds as if you'd be comfortable having a queer-platonic relationship with him. But I'm not sure if that's the kind of relationship he wants to strengthen by marriage.

 

5 hours ago, KoiLilly said:

I responded with an "ehh... I dont know", to which he took as a yes and announced it to everyone.

That is a big No-No. He can't go around and tell people that you agreed to something you didn't agree to. And he should face the consequences of his mistake. Tell him explicitly that you did NOT say Yes, or agree in any other way. Ask him to stop the rumor he spread. He can call all his friends whom he told, and tell them better. Of course that will not stop the rumor, so you'll have to tell folks as well that you didn't agree. Maybe tell him that you won't even make a decision until six months after the last person has brought up the rumor to you. You don't seem to be in a hurry anyway.

 

5 hours ago, KoiLilly said:

"well now you're going to have to sleep with him"

While you're denying the rumor, you could also mention that you're not going to agree to anything that implies having to sleep with him.

 

I hope things will work out for you :cake: :-) But don't let yourself get dragged into an engagement that you're not 100% comfortable with.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 3/9/2017 at 4:12 PM, KoiLilly said:

So after 14 years of an awkward totally-not-in-a-relationship relationship, he popped the question and I responded with an "ehh... I dont know", to which he took as a yes and announced it to everyone. So now I guess I'm engaged?

We started seeing each other when I was around 13, and he was 14 in high school. I didn't really understand how I was at the time or what my feelings were since I was so shy and scared of everyone, and since I was so young and naive the concept of sexual interaction was not even in my realm of possibilities. Told him I was too shy, he understood, and we went all through highschool without doing anything. Eventually the pressure of having sex was becoming too much and I was unhappy, and I broke up with him around 20 (he lasted that long, what a trooper). Although I never "got back" with him we were still pretty much inseparable and I realized our relationship never really changed, although the weight of not being involved with someone and "needing" to have sex was much more relaxing for me. I did end up experimenting with someone that I had no real emotional bond with which ended in disgusted and bored failure, as did he (after he found out). According to him it wasn't anything interesting, especially without me, and since neither of us has become involved with someone again. 

Now, I never said we were dating again. I suppose from an outside view thats how it was, but I kind of love the weird since of freedom I have. I enjoy my space, like being alone, and enjoy only conversing with people when I'm good and ready. He's always been accepting of that. Now suddenly we're engaged? And people are both shocked (since they know me) and keep poking me in the sides with "well now you're going to have to sleep with him"! 

Sadly, and I know this is on my end, I am disgusted by physical contact. I can't stand it. Kissing is out, saliva is horrid. I don't even like to be hugged. And he knows this. I recoil all the time, even when he just attempts a back rub. He says he understands, then he takes me out on a "romantic" night out (I am not in the least a romantic person), and asks for a kiss. I say no. Its awkward, then I suddenly feel like I'm somehow a bad person. Ive always told him he needs to seek out someone who can fulfill his emotional and physical needs, that I'm not that person. He always says he doesn't need anyone else, that he understands the way that I am, then makes these perhaps unintentional gestures of desire. I feel inadequate, even selfish for consuming this mans time that could be given to someone else more worthy and I'm frustrated by this. Every time I find myself okay with the concept of even being married to my best friend I'm reminded that I'm not able to do for him what he wants and I'm lacking somehow. 

I never even imagined myself getting married, even as a little girl. It just never really occurred to me. I have no big dream of a wedding, no idea about a dress, no idea about a cake or theme. I miss not being attached to someone, my solidarity. And I know I'm sounding selfish. I'm sure so many people like me would be happy to have someone like him around. I just hate this constant feeling that I'm such a terrible person purely because of something I can't control. I feel trapped

I suppose I'm ranting by this point. I guess I just wanted to get my feelings out there. I've never really discussed myself or my feelings before with anyone but him. Even my father states "its just a phase", so I find not bringing it up to just be the best idea. I especially don't talk about it with my peers. Sorry for such a lengthy post. I needed to vent. 

Has anyone else felt this kind of frustration? Or am I just irrational?

 

Edit: I do want to say that I don't want it to come across as if I'm blameless. While I was figuring myself out and spending time with him we did often comment that he was the only person I could stand to be around for long periods of time, and "what would" scenarios (what would our house be like if we lived together? What kind of decorations would we have?). He's always been one of the best people in my life and has always supported me when I needed it most. I probably wouldn't be here without it, and if I could feel a love outside of my direct family he would probably be the closest. I do love him in my own way, I'm just upset it's not to the passionate degree I feel he needs

Edit 2: Can someone move this? Posted in the wrong forum section

 

It doesn't look like you love him or that you are excited about getting married, not even really want it. 

Listen, when marriages fall apart (and yours have all the foundations to be a disaster) they cause not only emotional pain, but huge amount of stress, money issues, financial problems, legal problems, etc.. 

Are you sure that you want to follow that path? 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Agree with all of the above. Please do not go through with this. Marriages are expensive, take a lot of planning and organising, and are seen as quite a big deal relationship wise by society. They're not something you want to do just because your partner wants it and now everyone thinks you're doing it anyway. Much better to call it off now than when you're halfway through hiring decorators and venues, or worse, after the wedding when you'd need to fork out even more for a divorce. He shouldn't have assumed a yes from you and he should know that you're (still) not certain about it. Talk to him as soon as you can, be honest. If you don't feel comfortable straight up cancelling the engagement then at least postpone it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/3/2017 at 3:12 PM, KoiLilly said:

he popped the question and I responded with an "ehh... I dont know", to which he took as a yes and announced it to everyone

yiiiiiikes that's a no go, no matter how much you've talked about 'what ifs' with him D: 

 

you need to have a very involved talk about why he wants to get married and what he's expecting from you when you get married in the first place... this just seems like weird behavior if he knows you as well as you say he does.

 

and then do some damage control and make sure everyone knows that you never said yes and he jumped the gun.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would worry about this. Because to me it sounds like you'd prefer staying best friends.

 

Either way, I don't think he understands the gravity of the situation and how nothing will ever change because this is you. He's deluding himself.

 

Still, he does clearly love you a lot. But you shouldn't ever be feeling like a bad person. Can you really put up with feeling like you're not enough for him for the next years, decade, etc?

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/3/2017 at 9:12 AM, KoiLilly said:

So after 14 years of an awkward totally-not-in-a-relationship relationship, he popped the question and I responded with an "ehh... I dont know", to which he took as a yes and announced it to everyone. So now I guess I'm engaged?

We started seeing each other when I was around 13, and he was 14 in high school. I didn't really understand how I was at the time or what my feelings were since I was so shy and scared of everyone, and since I was so young and naive the concept of sexual interaction was not even in my realm of possibilities. Told him I was too shy, he understood, and we went all through highschool without doing anything. Eventually the pressure of having sex was becoming too much and I was unhappy, and I broke up with him around 20 (he lasted that long, what a trooper). Although I never "got back" with him we were still pretty much inseparable and I realized our relationship never really changed, although the weight of not being involved with someone and "needing" to have sex was much more relaxing for me. I did end up experimenting with someone that I had no real emotional bond with which ended in disgusted and bored failure, as did he (after he found out). According to him it wasn't anything interesting, especially without me, and since neither of us has become involved with someone again. 

Now, I never said we were dating again. I suppose from an outside view thats how it was, but I kind of love the weird since of freedom I have. I enjoy my space, like being alone, and enjoy only conversing with people when I'm good and ready. He's always been accepting of that. Now suddenly we're engaged? And people are both shocked (since they know me) and keep poking me in the sides with "well now you're going to have to sleep with him"! 

Sadly, and I know this is on my end, I am disgusted by physical contact. I can't stand it. Kissing is out, saliva is horrid. I don't even like to be hugged. And he knows this. I recoil all the time, even when he just attempts a back rub. He says he understands, then he takes me out on a "romantic" night out (I am not in the least a romantic person), and asks for a kiss. I say no. Its awkward, then I suddenly feel like I'm somehow a bad person. Ive always told him he needs to seek out someone who can fulfill his emotional and physical needs, that I'm not that person. He always says he doesn't need anyone else, that he understands the way that I am, then makes these perhaps unintentional gestures of desire. I feel inadequate, even selfish for consuming this mans time that could be given to someone else more worthy and I'm frustrated by this. Every time I find myself okay with the concept of even being married to my best friend I'm reminded that I'm not able to do for him what he wants and I'm lacking somehow. 

I never even imagined myself getting married, even as a little girl. It just never really occurred to me. I have no big dream of a wedding, no idea about a dress, no idea about a cake or theme. I miss not being attached to someone, my solidarity. And I know I'm sounding selfish. I'm sure so many people like me would be happy to have someone like him around. I just hate this constant feeling that I'm such a terrible person purely because of something I can't control. I feel trapped

I suppose I'm ranting by this point. I guess I just wanted to get my feelings out there. I've never really discussed myself or my feelings before with anyone but him. Even my father states "its just a phase", so I find not bringing it up to just be the best idea. I especially don't talk about it with my peers. Sorry for such a lengthy post. I needed to vent. 

Has anyone else felt this kind of frustration? Or am I just irrational?

 

Edit: I do want to say that I don't want it to come across as if I'm blameless. While I was figuring myself out and spending time with him we did often comment that he was the only person I could stand to be around for long periods of time, and "what would" scenarios (what would our house be like if we lived together? What kind of decorations would we have?). He's always been one of the best people in my life and has always supported me when I needed it most. I probably wouldn't be here without it, and if I could feel a love outside of my direct family he would probably be the closest. I do love him in my own way, I'm just upset it's not to the passionate degree I feel he needs

Edit 2: Can someone move this? Posted in the wrong forum section

Hi, I don't know your relationship well enough to really know what's going on, but it sounds like you're in unhealthy relationship. I'm not saying that your guy doesn't love you or is being manipulative on purpose, but he doesn't appear to be taking in your needs and some of his actions seem very manipulative. He can say he gets what you need, but his actions and behavior show otherwise and that's what is most important. He tells you he understands what you needs and then puts you in situations that directly go against what you have told him. That sounds like pure manipulation to me. He may be doing it on purpose and he may not be.  If you are in a relationship where you feel you are being selfish for wanting your basic needs met, that can only make me believe that there is some manipulation going on by the other person. I feel that people get into and stay in unhealthy relationships because there is real love there and they do love each other. That doesn't mean that they should be together though. I can only imagine that if you were to get married, the relationship would become more and more unhealthy and unsatisfactory especially since you never even told him you wanted to get married. He seems to be taking charge of each step of your relationship and pushing you towards something you've never wanted.  I'm sorry for such negative views. I'm actually a super optimist and believe that anything can be solved. My purpose in life is to make others happy, however if my unhappiness and needs ever become more than the amount of happiness someone is getting, I will never sacrifice myself. I give people quite a few chances because I have good expectations for people, but in the end I will get myself out when needed.  IT IS NOT SELFISH to take care of yourself and your needs. In fact, it is actually healthier and more thoughtful for the both of you to be in a relationship you both want. YOU DO NOT OWE anyone anything no matter what label is put on your relationship. Especially when it comes to your body and comfort. I'm sorry if I'm overstepping with such a strong opinion, but you did post your story on here. I wish the best for you and whatever you choose. Just make sure it is YOUR choice and not his. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

It is easier to get married than to un-marry. If people understood how hard it is to un-marry themselve they wouldn’t marry. Stop everything while you still have an easy choice rather than a hard one. Please speak up for the sake of yourself and everyone . You have a voice. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi,

Thanks for sharing. This what I pick up from what you wrote. It seems that your whatever you want to call him your ex/friend/potential fiance just thinks your super shy and will get over your repulsion to physical touch,affection,sex.  He thinks  he can change you by being there and loving,loyal. I think he does love you and he did try somebody else and it sounds like neither of you found the connection you have with one another with someone else. It would all be fine if it were not for your guilt and his occasional perfectly normal flares ups for affection and physical intimacy. The proposal has brought up the physical intimacy thing again. You need to speak to him and tell him you will never be kissing him or having sex with him and why. I think unfortunately you have to break up with him and cut all ties. I know this easier saidthan done.So he can find someone more suited and you can too.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He has consistently ignored your 'physical touch' boundaries.

He says he understands.

He consisantly has gone against your specific preferences for not kissing.

He says he understands.

He hears you say that you fear you won't be 'enough' for him.

He says he understands.

 

He pressures you to touch. He pressures you to kiss. He pressures you to marry him.

 

Do you think there is any chance he will not pressure you into sex??

He has expressed that he feels he is entitled to touches and kisses when he makes gestures which he thinks of as romantic.

 

Being coerced or pressured into sex is literally rape. One of the criteria for a 'level 3 sex offender status' actually. (at least here in MA, USA).

 

I don't care what he wants and he doesn't care what you want.

 

Please, don't put yourself in danger. I am not saying he would use force...but clearly he does use pressure and coersion.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/3/2017 at 7:12 AM, KoiLilly said:

I never even imagined myself getting married, even as a little girl. It just never really occurred to me. I have no big dream of a wedding, no idea about a dress, no idea about a cake or theme. I miss not being attached to someone, my solidarity. And I know I'm sounding selfish. I'm sure so many people like me would be happy to have someone like him around. I just hate this constant feeling that I'm such a terrible person purely because of something I can't control. I feel trapped

The others in this thread have already covered the main points I would have said, so I won't repeat them. I just wanted to add that there's nothing selfish or wrong about enjoying your independence and time alone. Not everyone wants to get married and live with a partner for the rest of their life, and that's completely okay. I'm the same way. In the poly community, there's even a word for this type of lifestyle. It's called being "solo." Solo people can still have significant others and committed relationships - they just usually prefer to live more independent lives and may opt to live alone. It's a completely valid way to do life and relationships. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

Please do not marry this man unless you truly want to and you are absolutely sure that he understands your attitude towards intimacy isn't going to magically change.  If you discuss it and he isn't going to pressure you into anything, whether it means he gets those needs met outside of the marriage or whatever you both are comfortable with, then maybe you could make it work.  I married someone who is asexual but never admitted it and it's been a huge source of pain and hurt in our lives.  He pretended that he enjoyed what I wanted in the beginning of our relationship because he wanted to be "normal" (his word, not mine).  I'm glad you haven't been going along with intimate activities just because it's expected by your fiancé, for both of your sakes.  Without very clear communication he will be miserable and feel rejected when you don't want what he does, and you will be miserable always feeling pressured to do things you don't want to do.  If you love each other and want to spend your lives together, sharing every other aspect of your lives except physical intimacy, then that might be possible, but a clear agreement needs to be reached before ever entering into a marriage.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Treesarepretty

@KoiLilly, about your first edit: did he bring up those hypothetical scenareos, or did you? You don't have to answer. I would just like you to think about it. 

 

The way I understand this, the two of you broke up 7 years ago, but because you remained friends he assumed that you were back together and is now assuming that you are getting married even though you gave him a soft "no." It sounds like he brought up those hypothetical "if we had a house" scenareos as a way of convincing himself that you really were together again and that marriage is likely. I did that with my wife to convince myself that she would want me, sexually, in the future when she pretty clearly didn't want me at the time. 

 

Would you be happy as his wife? Your original post seemed to say "no" but your edit seems to say "yes," but that he would not be happy as your husband. 

 

I still think that you should be utterly clear with him that your boundaries will not change, and from your edit I think that you already know that. You are not a bad person, at least not from what you have posted here, but it does look like going through with this marriage would be a bad idea in the end. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...