Puck

Gray-Sexual Musings and Rantings

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Puck

Come here to talk, discuss, gripe, or revel about gray-sexuality. Your fellow graces would love to do the same with you!

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iyamwhatiyam

I'm still asking myself how sure I can really be that I'm a gray ace at this point, but really, signs point to yes. And I'm wondering what that means for my future as a person. 

 

I don't like the sexual world in its social dimension. I never have. It seems like most strictly sexual people are so focused on getting and keeping a sexual partner that everything else revolves around it. To just about everybody else that appears to be completely normal and sensible...or maybe it's a chemical thing for them that has as strong a drive attached as hunger or having a home, such that it doesn't matter what they have to do to sate it. Maybe in the same way I spent years and still spend some of my time doing work I hate with people I don't like because it was the only way I could be sure to keep a roof over my head and food on the table, other people would rather their lives weren't so wrapped up in finding and keeping a sexual partner but they see no real alternative given their needs and resources. I can only guess what it's like for others, but to me it seems like the ultimate case of the tail wagging the whole dog.

 

What worries me is this...basically most people seem to prioritize their sexual partner far above and beyond all else. That means that when push comes to shove, I am not anybody's priority unless I start having sex with someone. I'm not even my mother's priority - I come from an abuse background. She hates me. You know, I'm not even aromantic...I could put another person first and have a wonderful close sweet relationship on every other level, but to people like the guy I just decided I'm breaking up with because I can't take it anymore, nothing else matters unless he can put his penis inside me. But basically unless I'm willing to either call my abusive mother in Chicago and say "I'm sorry for having my own life and my own will. From now on you control everything," or just spread my legs and say "do whatever you want" to someone, I'll never be more than an accessory in someone's life. No one will ever make a commitment to me like I could to them.

 

I guess the question is whether that's a problem. 

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roland.o

Hello @iyamwhatiyam, welcome to the AVEN forums. Have some cake... :cake::D

 

Not all people are like that. Not even all sexual people are like that. To many, it's important to have a sexual partner. To others, it is less important. Some will value their partner higher than their friends, others will not. And I wouldn't want to decide which is better in that case.

 

If you feel that your former partner only appreciated you as a glorified sex toy, you're right to dump him. That's not how relationships should be. Take some time for yourself. Learn to appreciate life on your own. And then, when you feel good about yourself, you may start to look out for candidates to share a part of your life with. But when that time comes, don't look out for an all-or-nothing committment right from the starts. Relationships need to grow. Partners need time to get to know eachother, to learn how the other feels and behaves in unusal situations, under pressure, or totally relaxed. Take small steps with calculated risks to establish and strengthen connections with friends or potential partners.

 

All the best to you! :cake:

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allicov

@iyamwhatiyamThis is where we need to be upfront about our sexuality because otherwise people may assume you're down for sex on the first date or even in the first few weeks when that's really not the case. Even if you don't straight up say "hey I'm demisexual and this is all that entails" usually just saying "I won't have sex outside of a committed serious relationship" is enough to scare those type of people off. 

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WabiSabi

😳 Ugh @iyamwhatiyam I feel this si hard. I feel the frustration, disillusionment, despair and loneliness that you're expressing here. I've been through a similar journey and had the same thought. No one prioritizes or takes care of you if you're not a sex partner. It's like you're a second class person and it's really demoralizing. I even tried to call people out on it and they never admitted it. They looked at me like I had two heads.

I'm still trying to pick myself up from that. Radical acceptance doesn't fix it but it can with time make you feel better. 

I also think making ace friends can be nice. Take care. 🎂

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martinicus

Just wanted to rant a bit about my gray-ish situation and who knows, maybe someone will find anything familiar.

Warning - the post might contain "too much information", but I always try to be analytical towards myself and to be open about it because that's the only way to go if I want others to truly understand how it works (or more correctly - doesn't work) for me.

 

In one sentence, I constantly feel torn between more-than-just-a-friends but not-sex-partners desire towards short, quiet women and almost-fetishistic almost-sexual, very unstable desire towards elder men.

 

When I am in relations with a woman, it feels stereotypical - I want to protect her and to see her doing "women stuff" - being awesome at decorating the house and keeping that "home sweet home", "warm and fuzzy" atmosphere. Yeah, it sounds somewhat stereotypical and sexist but I can't do anything about it; I just feel romantic attraction to the women who are "natural housewives" and I really appreciate their work and creativity and I often tell them compliments about how good they are at what they do. I also like to hug them, being playful, talking (but not about fashion or stereotypical "girl stuff" - I'm totally not interested in that) and have shared moments of silence or listening to music while holding hands. But it never gets fully romantic nor sexual because I feel completely no attraction. On the contrary, I feel repulsed by kissing and I feel desire to clean myself up after being kissed. I get sad at those moments because I really want our relationship to go further, but my body just doesn't accept that at all. So I usually back off and let her go.

 

With men it's different. In general, I feel no desire whatsoever to be together with a man of my age or younger; nor sexual, nor romantic desire, nor that more-than-friends desire that I feel for women. I feel repulsion against kissing or any closer bodily contact with any man. With just one narrow exception - I feel romantic attraction and sexual reaction somewhat old-fashioned men in their 60 who look like professors and like to dress in suits; baldness, glasses and beards are even more attractive; muscles or fat do not play any role whatsoever. But this attraction seems very selective and unstable. For example, when I look at two photos of the same man with a beard and without it, I feel sexual reaction if I imagine being intimate with the bearded one and I feel repulsion when thinking about being intimate with the beardless one. The same switching between attraction / repulsion can be caused by many details - his clothing, voice, manners, behaviors. It's not actual desire for the sexual act "as such"; it's more desire for being hugged, protected, and then sexual reaction kicks in automatically. I cannot reach orgasm through masturbation no matter how I try, but I have "wet dreams" where it happens automatically. Even in my dreams it never gets to sexual act itself, it just ends with hugging and sometimes some kind of fancy "blending together", so I myself become this men. It's like a father-fetish with some unresolved underlying psychological issues fueling it. I have always felt like being not "manly enough" and wanted to be taller, stronger, less emotional.

Anyway, I can't imagine how such kind of fatherly-fetishy attraction might work in real relationships because currently I can't find any other common points of interest with such men. Maybe when I myself will be in my 60s... unless my attraction will also "get older" and maybe then I'll be attracted to men in 80s :D

 

So, it's totally messed up. I'm an introvert person and, in general, I feel good alone but I often find myself missing that special person who would always meet me home with a hug and with whom I could have shared moments of joy... maybe I just need a dog :D 

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roland.o
On 7/28/2018 at 12:08 AM, martinicus said:

maybe I just need a dog :D 

Sounds like a plan :D:cake:

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The_Squished_Elf

Sharing my Gray story:

 

I guess I'll start this with middle/high school, when people started getting sexual.

I never felt like I was different, that other people were just undisciplined. I had my fair share of crushes, who I generally barely knew and who I would fantasise about regularly, but when I'd hear of people getting sexual and breaking the law (minors) I'd just shake my head and think how impatient those fools were. I'd see people being straight-up gross and offensive, manipulating and lying just to get themselves some inroads on sex with others, and I'd wonder what kind of a psychopath you'd have to be to even consider such a thing. I'd established a strong romantic relationship with a friend of mine and she quickly escalated it into sexual acts, which made me feel a bit uncomfortable but I justified with "dude, you're lucky, you're barely doing anything and here's this girl practically throwing herself on you. You know how many guys would kill for that! Even just about every role model you've ever seen on TV/in books/in movies would be stoked about this!"

 

Then, one day, 2 years later, at 17, after a physically demanding course that made me tap into my deepest reserves of adrenaline and testosterone, it happened. I felt sexual drive for the first time. Every girl around my age even mildly attractive to me would bring on a strong desire to be with them sexually, something I had literally never felt before. I'd had my fantasies, but they never involved being terribly pro-active. They were always about being happy that I was pleasing them, and even sex with my partner was mostly appreciation of the stimulation and forcing myself through the act to please her. Now I had no issue with potentially being rude to someone during sex, because *I* would be enjoying it. This lasted for a solid two weeks, during which, terrified of this new sensation I was experiencing that I had always associated with just generally being an unpleasant person, I sat practically comatose gaming to distract myself.

 

A year and a half passed, and this sensation hadn't appeared again. I was back to feeling slightly sick to my stomach during sex because it wasn't what I wanted; I was forcing myself to do it for my partner's sake. Me and my girlfriend had recently had a major argument, and still weren't on the best of terms. My family went on holiday, leaving me home alone to watch the pets for three weeks, and almost simultaneously my girlfriend started university. She was stressed, busy, and excited, and we were still mad at each other, so we barely talked, and when we did it was awkward and stilted; this didn't help our situation, seeing as the main issue was me being jealous, which only got worse the less we communicated. Being already an introvert, I started to get cabin fever, having almost no human contact at all for two and a half weeks. Eventually I broke down, and when I did, the wall I'd put up over a year ago came down with my sanity.

 

Desperate to get some tail, I tried talking to my girlfriend, but she hadn't so much as replied to a text or email from me in days, and I'd kept asking her to come stay at my place over the past weeks whenever she complained about living with her family, to no avail. So I decided to join various and sundry dating sites and apps, most notably Tinder, using my seldom-used middle name. I went on long hikes to try and find my way around the region to get to any potential connections I might make. If I drank alcohol, I'd've been at the bar down the road trying to pick up chicks; I think the only reason I didn't do that was that I didn't consider it.

 

It continued even after my family got home, and ended up lasting three weeks. When it finally faded, I was left confused and terrified at my sudden lack of control. I eventually made up with my girlfriend, and when we did have sex, always, still, I had the weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, which I'd gotten so used to I barely even noticed it anymore.

 

At the end of the year, I decided to investigate what this was, because it clearly wasn't inexperience; to still be having it after being sexual for over three years, something else must be going on. So I looked it up and found sex aversion, which lead me down a rabbit hole of learning about asexuality. Suddenly, everything clicked. It wasn't that I'd been more patient, or stronger, or more disciplined than any of my high school classmates; I simply didn't experience half of what they were going through. My discomfort with sex in person and in media was suddenly explained. It all made sense - except for the weeks of sexual drive. After a bit more investigation, I found graysexuality (or however the heck it's spelled!) and even those weeks made sense. I quickly told my girlfriend and started considering myself as graysexual, which helped me a lot in figuring out what I wanted to do day by day, and just generally improved my mental wellbeing.

 

Now, I've accepted that I'm Gray-Ace, and since I'm not repressing it, it comes out a lot less intensely and suddenly. Overall I still only am in the mood for like 20 days in the whole year, but they're spread out now and aren't so overpowering. Having acknowledged my mostly ace nature, I now respect myself and don't have sex when I'm not in the mood; if I feel aversion, I nope right out of it.

It's so liberating and freeing to not feel weird or broken for not wanting to have sex, and also to know WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON when I do want to have it. I'm so happy I now know what I am, how to describe that, and that I'm not necessarily alone in it.

 

Thanks for reading :)

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ADragonsFriend

I recently figured out that I’m gray-homosexual. I experience sexual attraction so rarely and mildly that it’s barely even a factor in my life, I’ve only had like three or four instances that I remember. 

 

In 7th grade I noticed my friend’s lipgloss and had the sudden urge to kiss her. It lasted 5 seconds and then disappeared and I never felt any attraction to her again.

Between then and now I’ve had two or three dreams that I kissed a girl(never the same one twice) and one dream where I knew I had sex with a girl but not of the act itself.

 

Those dreams never reflected on real life at all and they left me kinda confused but I just kinda accepted them and moved on with my life. In 7th grade,(the time of the first incident) I didn’t know what ace or gray sexuality was but as I became more aware the pattern emerged after awhile and I decided that gray-homosexual fit me perfectly.

 

Virtual cake for anyone who read my rambles!!!

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