Puck

Gray-Sexual Musings and Rantings

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Puck

Come here to talk, discuss, gripe, or revel about gray-sexuality. Your fellow graces would love to do the same with you!

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iyamwhatiyam

I'm still asking myself how sure I can really be that I'm a gray ace at this point, but really, signs point to yes. And I'm wondering what that means for my future as a person. 

 

I don't like the sexual world in its social dimension. I never have. It seems like most strictly sexual people are so focused on getting and keeping a sexual partner that everything else revolves around it. To just about everybody else that appears to be completely normal and sensible...or maybe it's a chemical thing for them that has as strong a drive attached as hunger or having a home, such that it doesn't matter what they have to do to sate it. Maybe in the same way I spent years and still spend some of my time doing work I hate with people I don't like because it was the only way I could be sure to keep a roof over my head and food on the table, other people would rather their lives weren't so wrapped up in finding and keeping a sexual partner but they see no real alternative given their needs and resources. I can only guess what it's like for others, but to me it seems like the ultimate case of the tail wagging the whole dog.

 

What worries me is this...basically most people seem to prioritize their sexual partner far above and beyond all else. That means that when push comes to shove, I am not anybody's priority unless I start having sex with someone. I'm not even my mother's priority - I come from an abuse background. She hates me. You know, I'm not even aromantic...I could put another person first and have a wonderful close sweet relationship on every other level, but to people like the guy I just decided I'm breaking up with because I can't take it anymore, nothing else matters unless he can put his penis inside me. But basically unless I'm willing to either call my abusive mother in Chicago and say "I'm sorry for having my own life and my own will. From now on you control everything," or just spread my legs and say "do whatever you want" to someone, I'll never be more than an accessory in someone's life. No one will ever make a commitment to me like I could to them.

 

I guess the question is whether that's a problem. 

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roland.o

Hello @iyamwhatiyam, welcome to the AVEN forums. Have some cake... :cake::D

 

Not all people are like that. Not even all sexual people are like that. To many, it's important to have a sexual partner. To others, it is less important. Some will value their partner higher than their friends, others will not. And I wouldn't want to decide which is better in that case.

 

If you feel that your former partner only appreciated you as a glorified sex toy, you're right to dump him. That's not how relationships should be. Take some time for yourself. Learn to appreciate life on your own. And then, when you feel good about yourself, you may start to look out for candidates to share a part of your life with. But when that time comes, don't look out for an all-or-nothing committment right from the starts. Relationships need to grow. Partners need time to get to know eachother, to learn how the other feels and behaves in unusal situations, under pressure, or totally relaxed. Take small steps with calculated risks to establish and strengthen connections with friends or potential partners.

 

All the best to you! :cake:

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allicov

@iyamwhatiyamThis is where we need to be upfront about our sexuality because otherwise people may assume you're down for sex on the first date or even in the first few weeks when that's really not the case. Even if you don't straight up say "hey I'm demisexual and this is all that entails" usually just saying "I won't have sex outside of a committed serious relationship" is enough to scare those type of people off. 

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WabiSabi

😳 Ugh @iyamwhatiyam I feel this si hard. I feel the frustration, disillusionment, despair and loneliness that you're expressing here. I've been through a similar journey and had the same thought. No one prioritizes or takes care of you if you're not a sex partner. It's like you're a second class person and it's really demoralizing. I even tried to call people out on it and they never admitted it. They looked at me like I had two heads.

I'm still trying to pick myself up from that. Radical acceptance doesn't fix it but it can with time make you feel better. 

I also think making ace friends can be nice. Take care. 🎂

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martinicus

Just wanted to rant a bit about my gray-ish situation and who knows, maybe someone will find anything familiar.

Warning - the post might contain "too much information", but I always try to be analytical towards myself and to be open about it because that's the only way to go if I want others to truly understand how it works (or more correctly - doesn't work) for me.

 

In one sentence, I constantly feel torn between more-than-just-a-friends but not-sex-partners desire towards short, quiet women and almost-fetishistic almost-sexual, very unstable desire towards elder men.

 

When I am in relations with a woman, it feels stereotypical - I want to protect her and to see her doing "women stuff" - being awesome at decorating the house and keeping that "home sweet home", "warm and fuzzy" atmosphere. Yeah, it sounds somewhat stereotypical and sexist but I can't do anything about it; I just feel romantic attraction to the women who are "natural housewives" and I really appreciate their work and creativity and I often tell them compliments about how good they are at what they do. I also like to hug them, being playful, talking (but not about fashion or stereotypical "girl stuff" - I'm totally not interested in that) and have shared moments of silence or listening to music while holding hands. But it never gets fully romantic nor sexual because I feel completely no attraction. On the contrary, I feel repulsed by kissing and I feel desire to clean myself up after being kissed. I get sad at those moments because I really want our relationship to go further, but my body just doesn't accept that at all. So I usually back off and let her go.

 

With men it's different. In general, I feel no desire whatsoever to be together with a man of my age or younger; nor sexual, nor romantic desire, nor that more-than-friends desire that I feel for women. I feel repulsion against kissing or any closer bodily contact with any man. With just one narrow exception - I feel romantic attraction and sexual reaction somewhat old-fashioned men in their 60 who look like professors and like to dress in suits; baldness, glasses and beards are even more attractive; muscles or fat do not play any role whatsoever. But this attraction seems very selective and unstable. For example, when I look at two photos of the same man with a beard and without it, I feel sexual reaction if I imagine being intimate with the bearded one and I feel repulsion when thinking about being intimate with the beardless one. The same switching between attraction / repulsion can be caused by many details - his clothing, voice, manners, behaviors. It's not actual desire for the sexual act "as such"; it's more desire for being hugged, protected, and then sexual reaction kicks in automatically. I cannot reach orgasm through masturbation no matter how I try, but I have "wet dreams" where it happens automatically. Even in my dreams it never gets to sexual act itself, it just ends with hugging and sometimes some kind of fancy "blending together", so I myself become this men. It's like a father-fetish with some unresolved underlying psychological issues fueling it. I have always felt like being not "manly enough" and wanted to be taller, stronger, less emotional.

Anyway, I can't imagine how such kind of fatherly-fetishy attraction might work in real relationships because currently I can't find any other common points of interest with such men. Maybe when I myself will be in my 60s... unless my attraction will also "get older" and maybe then I'll be attracted to men in 80s :D

 

So, it's totally messed up. I'm an introvert person and, in general, I feel good alone but I often find myself missing that special person who would always meet me home with a hug and with whom I could have shared moments of joy... maybe I just need a dog :D 

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roland.o
On 7/28/2018 at 12:08 AM, martinicus said:

maybe I just need a dog :D 

Sounds like a plan :D:cake:

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