Gray-Sexual Relationships

[MadameToki]

Hi. I don't really know what to do, or where to go, or how to start so I'm just going to jump right in. I'm a bi-sexual female and I've been in a long distance, long term relationship with what I'm only realizing now is probably a Gray male. In the beginning of our relationship we had no issues as far as our sex life was concerned. We did what we could with texts, phone calls, pics, and video chats. However, one day it was like a switch was turned on in him and it has never been the same since. Recently we've become engaged. Things have been spiraling a bit down the drain in regards to our sex life even though we're basically perfect in every other aspect of our relationship. I have a higher than the average person sex drive, but I have toned it down as much as I can, nearly to nothing, just to make this work. I get really frustrated sometimes and I feel as though anytime I bring something up to him, I'm pressuring him and that's not what I want. We only see each other about 4 times a year because I live in the US and he lives in the UK. Sometimes I think that it truly wouldn't be an issue once he moves over, which is what our intentions are, because there wouldn't be that sense of urgency hanging over our heads every visit that our time with each other is finite. However, I don't want him to uproot his entire life only for us to realize it doesn't work and then he'll be in another country, alone. We have tried everything and are desperate. He's only recently begun identifying as a gray-sexual. We love each other and truly believe we're soul mates but things are seeming harder and harder to deal with. Please I just need some advice. 

[Mouse 35]

Okay I like men. I have zero sexual attraction but I have feeling and even love just love like friendship love for men but I don’t have the same love for women.  I was married very unhappily for 25 years to a military personnel.  Having sex was very awkward and confusing.  I had 3 children and took each occasion as an opportunity not to have sex during the complete pregnancy.  I can be talked into sex if I feel highly and deeply committed to an individual, but this has to be an ongoing process.  Once the commitment stops then the willingness to share stops.  I have been separated for 2.5 years and have no urge or want to make a commitment or friendship or relationship. I feel perfectly content. I feel this is gray asexual but really just started to explore this matter.  I love being a female.  I love playing in makeup to look attractive, but I have no intention of attracting people. So what do you think

[Phoenixonfire]

I am a trans woman, questioning grey/ace, before I transitioned I was very sexually active. I am 2y 3mo into my transition and I have gradually become uncomfortable with sexual contact, I know it is partly due to dysphoria, partly from trauma, and partly from the many changes my body has been through.

 

I want to tell my partners that I really don't feel comfortable continuing sexual contact at this time, possibly ever. However the thought of having this conversation fills me with feelings of guilt.

 

I used to be such a people pleaser, comprising my feelings, boundaries, just so they'd like me. I really want to stand my ground on this and be respected, but I also don't want them to leave me.

Edited August 15, 2019 by Phoenixonfire

[RadioRebel]

*TMI Warning* I think I might be graysexual, but I'm not sure. I have been questioning what I am and what is wrong with me basically for a year. I have been in a relationship with my bf for 4 years and I he is my first sexual partner. At the beginning of our relation we would be intimate a lot. I don't really remember how often but it was a lot. Over the years I had come to realize I am not really into being intimate in that way and would try to make excuses for as long as possible. We are usually intimate about 1-2 times a month and most of those times I just distract myself to get it over with because it's what he wants. We have had many fights over it because I just don't like it. I mean I do get sexually aroused sometimes but I do not want to participate in what I am feeling. And it just makes me uncomfortable. I'm basically triggering myself just typing this out. He's the type of guy who needs sex in a relationship, but I REALLY prefer not to have to do it. It is very very rare that I actually do want to act on my impulses. 90% of the time though I just would rather spend time just being in each other's presence. To me that is intimacy. Being physically intimate does nothing for me and I honestly just don't like the thought of doing it. So idk if all this even qualifies as graysexuality. I have been trying to figure out what is "wrong" with me and I am still trying to figure that out. If anyone can send me some links that can explain maybe some of what I am feeling I would appreciate it. 

[Puck]

17 hours ago, RadioRebel said:

*TMI Warning* I think I might be graysexual, but I'm not sure. I have been questioning what I am and what is wrong with me basically for a year. I have been in a relationship with my bf for 4 years and I he is my first sexual partner. At the beginning of our relation we would be intimate a lot. I don't really remember how often but it was a lot. Over the years I had come to realize I am not really into being intimate in that way and would try to make excuses for as long as possible. We are usually intimate about 1-2 times a month and most of those times I just distract myself to get it over with because it's what he wants. We have had many fights over it because I just don't like it. I mean I do get sexually aroused sometimes but I do not want to participate in what I am feeling. And it just makes me uncomfortable. I'm basically triggering myself just typing this out. He's the type of guy who needs sex in a relationship, but I REALLY prefer not to have to do it. It is very very rare that I actually do want to act on my impulses. 90% of the time though I just would rather spend time just being in each other's presence. To me that is intimacy. Being physically intimate does nothing for me and I honestly just don't like the thought of doing it. So idk if all this even qualifies as graysexuality. I have been trying to figure out what is "wrong" with me and I am still trying to figure that out. If anyone can send me some links that can explain maybe some of what I am feeling I would appreciate it. 

First and foremost, there is nothing wrong with you. At all. Period. Whether or not you fit in one sexuality label or another, what is and always will be true is that what you want or don't want is utterly and completely valid all the time.

 

What you two are dealing with is a difference in desire. That is neither of your fault and it's not uncommon. It is just as much his "fault" that he wants to have sex more often than it's your "fault" that you don't. There is no reason for you to ask yourself what's "wrong" with you while not wondering what's "wrong" with him that he wants it so much. Both of you have needs; needs to have a certain amount of sex. Neither is wrong and both of you deserve to have that amount respected by your partner. Your need to not have sex and his need to have sex are both entirely valid and both partners need to recognize and respect them as such. Your partner should respect you enough to recognize that your lower libido isn't a choice (no matter your label), but rather it's a reality he needs to honor and learn to work with.

 

That all being said, the difference is still the reality. And it's one that can and has made many partners decide they are simply not compatible. There is no shame in that, it's just like realizing that one person wants kids and the other doesn't. There is nothing wrong with having kids or not having kids, or wanting lots of kids or just a few, but if two partners aren't in agreement with what they want out of the relationship, then there is going to be issues. In that same way, there is nothing wrong with having sex or not, or having it a lot or just a few times, but in order for you both to work, you need to find an amount that is fulfilling enough for you both.

 

What might help you both is to have an open an honest conversation. Both of you might want to think about how much sex you would ideally like to have, how much sex you would both like to have as a maximum, and how much as a minimum. This should be something that you think you could sustain for years, but also this is NOT a contract and always able to be re-explored (so, if either of you realizes in a few years that your minimums, maximums, or ideals have changed, it's time to do this again). See where they overlap (if they do). For example, if your maximum is twice a month and his minimum is twice a month, that is how much sex you should both be shooting for. If there is no overlap, then maybe it's time to consider other options.

 

As for meeting the roughly agreed amount, it might help you to plan sex. Pick a day together for you to get together and then work on making it something you can enjoy. Maybe he takes you on a date before or maybe you buy yourself a new outfit that makes you feel sexy. Make it an event you could look forward too. This should be an activity you both enjoy, even if to different degrees. Be sure to remember that.

 

You can also try sex that isn't as "involved" for you. Perhaps you can only tolerate PiV (penis in vagina) sex twice a month, but you could give oral or hand jobs 4 times a month. That way he still gets a higher amount, but maybe you don't feel quite as asked upon as you don't have to prepare your body quite to the extend PiV requires.

 

If there is no overlap, you still have options. You might want to consider opening up the relationship. Then, both of you can get the amount of sex you need. If your partner needs it three times a week, but you can only give twice a month, then someone else can help you both make up for that gap. There are many ways to open up the relationship, so you can decide what is best for you. Perhaps your partner can only do hook-ups so he isn't to have another consistent partner. Or perhaps you do a "don't ask don't tell" version where he's allowed to have sex outside the relationship, but he has to be sure you never know about it. Or you could agree he's only allowed to seek certain kind of sex from others, so maybe you say he's only allowed to have PiV with you. Or maybe you are both comfortable being poly where he's openly dating someone else while still dating you. Different people are comfortable with different things, it's up for you two to decide not only what work but what makes you happy.

 

I do want to say, as I've been a little beating around, the reality might be that you two are incompatible. Again, that does NOT mean there is something wrong with you, it just means you two aren't going to be the people who can bring each other the most happiness. Now that you know you have a lower sex drive, you can seek partners that also have lower ones so that you both can more easily find the right amount of sex to have to keep the relationship functioning happily. Or even seek ones that have no sex drive if you would rather avoid it entirely. There is NO shame in breaking up over incompatible libidos and if you do, it is neither of your fault. People do it all the time. He's your first sexual partner, it's SO rare people find the right person on the first shot. Again, it's like breaking up over one of you wanting kids and the other not; you two just have different visions of what you want out of a relationship and what kind of a future you want. This isn't me telling you you should break up, rather me trying to empower you to know that it is an option that would be completely reasonable and understandable for you to explore. I'm also trying to empower you to know if you chose this option, it was not a failure on your part, nor his; rather it was just a reality that you both tried to make your relationship work but learned you weren't actually compatible. It sucks, but partners learn that about each other all the time, and it's better to acknowledge it now rather than further into the relationship when you both are still not happy.

 

I hope that all helps. Any option you and your partner choose is valid and right. Both of you should feel happy and fulfilled by this relationship, as much as possible, and I hope the options I have laid out here help you do that. Good luck and all the best to you as you continue on this journey of understanding yourself.

[PeanutButterCookieMonster]

Hi, I need some advice.
 

My boyfriend came to terms with being gray sexual today. And I’m 100% ok with that. I support him and love him just the same. It hasn’t changed how I feel about him or anything.
But I am sexual and my drive is on the high end. I refuse to pressure him, because that’s not ok. But I still need sexual attention. It’s a base need for me. I’ve been patient for 2 years while he figured it out. But now that he has we need a way to move forward and both have our needs met. The proposed solution is that I back off him sexually, I take care of myself, but in order to blow off steam I text this other guy. Text only. I have no desire to get physical. I don’t want to date him. And then whenever the mood strikes my boyfriend we have sex. 
 

But I’m still not wild on that idea. I only really want him. But I can’t pressure him. And if this is who he is I don’t want to try and change him. 
 

Does anyone have thoughts? Or ideas on other solutions? 
 

Please be kind. I’m doing my best. Thanks everyone. 

[Chihiro]

14 hours ago, PeanutButterCookieMonster said:

Does anyone have thoughts? Or ideas on other solutions? 

I think its better if you post this question in the below forum. There are a lot of sexuals who are in mixed relationships like yours and they can give you good advice. Good luck!

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/30-for-sexual-partners-friends-and-allies/

[PeanutButterCookieMonster]

19 hours ago, Chihiro said:

I think its better if you post this question in the below forum. There are a lot of sexuals who are in mixed relationships like yours and they can give you good advice. Good luck!

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/30-for-sexual-partners-friends-and-allies/

Thanks!! :)

[timwhite]

Hey guys, I'm a questioning gray-A. It's almost impossible for me to be stimulated by sex. With that being said, masturbation is a thing that I occasionally do. But I'd rather be romantic and be more of an intimate lover. However, exploration doesn't shield me from sexual fantasies. With that being said, being in the gray area, when is the time that sex is a thing in the relationship? Is it more of a thing to do in the middle of the afternoon, only at night? Is it just an activity to pass the time? For me, if my partner wants kids, I'll do it, but other than that, it's awkward. Like having sex just to have sex because we can do it doesn't appeal to me. 

[bluebunny]

On 9/2/2017 at 11:43 PM, Puck said:

We all know that relationships are tricky and everyone could use a little support a they navigate through them. If you have any relationship questions specific to gray-sexuals or have a discussion you wish to have, ask away!

 

Note that the relationships don't need to be dating; they can be about friendship, familial, or anything else!

Is it possible a greysexual think theyre in love with someone for some weeks then find out theyre arent? Like just get tired of the people so fast over and over again. I feel like I'm better when someone dont like me back for some reason. I dont really like to kiss them but I do, so I think that could possibly be the reason I get uncomfortable around them so fast. I dont know if is really this or even if it has something to do with greysexuality or is some mental thing that I should see with a therapist.  Im really confused and tired of breaking peoples heart. I dont wanna do that, but i wanna fall in love for real...

 

Sorry for my broken english, is not my first language.

[Katie Marie]

Hi everyone!

 

I’ve wondered off and on for years if I am asexual. In high school, I dated this guy for almost two years and refused to have sex—I just kept telling him I wasn’t ready, and I wasn’t. Eventually I felt guilty and gave in, but I was miserable and cried afterwards. As time went on, I formed other relationships, and I would think I was interested in sex at the start, only to find after a month or two that I really wasn’t interested after all. This was always hard to explain, and not taken kindly by any of the men I dated. I felt like either I just kept dating the wrong people or there was something wrong with me. My life would be so much easier if I wanted sex! I like the companionship, cuddling, hanging out and doing activities together, movies dinner dates, but as soon as it’s time for bed, and the sexual advances started I would get stiff. I just want to shut down or disappear. I pretend to be tired or have a headache to avoid sex and I know that isn’t fair to my partner.

 

A few years ago I decided I must be gay, and had my first relationship with another woman. At first it seemed to be the answer, but as I approached that 1 month marker, the same familiar feelings crept in. I’ve been with her for a few years now, but I know now that being gay or bi wasn’t the reason for my lack of sexual interest. 

 

I always felt like in order to be asexual you had to have never had sex or never wanted to. I always want to at the onset of a relationship, but once or twice is generally enough and I’m ready to be done with it. 

 

So after reading about gray sexual, I thought perhaps that’s where I land, at least I hope so because it would be nice to gain some understanding around this. 

[potterhead29]

Hi there! I’ve struggled with sexual attraction for over ten years. When I first became sexually active (I was also very young) I had a “normal” sex drive. Ever since I’ve gone through shorter and shorter waves of sexual desire. I used to think it was my anti-depressants or my birth control, but have been off both of those for a few years now and have had hormone tests to see if that was the issue and everything is normal. Within the past year I’ve started looking into what it means to be asexual. 

Im married, and at the beginning of our relationship I had a “normal” sex drive but that lasted a little less than a year and I’ve pretty much not been interested in any type of sexual activity since. Thinking back it seems that once I really love someone and am committed that sexual desire goes away. I love my husband and find him attractive. We have been trying to conceive and that is the only time we have sex and it isn’t enjoyable for me but we both want a child. I want to want sex. I want to want that intimacy. But I don’t. I’ve talked with friends and no one I know has these feelings so I guess I’m questioning if this is what I am? From looking into things being a grey ace seems to match up with how I feel. I want to understand so yeah I kind of do want a label. Can anyone share a similar experience? 

[potterhead29]

On 5/4/2020 at 4:09 AM, Katie Marie said:

Hi everyone!

 

I’ve wondered off and on for years if I am asexual. In high school, I dated this guy for almost two years and refused to have sex—I just kept telling him I wasn’t ready, and I wasn’t. Eventually I felt guilty and gave in, but I was miserable and cried afterwards. As time went on, I formed other relationships, and I would think I was interested in sex at the start, only to find after a month or two that I really wasn’t interested after all. This was always hard to explain, and not taken kindly by any of the men I dated. I felt like either I just kept dating the wrong people or there was something wrong with me. My life would be so much easier if I wanted sex! I like the companionship, cuddling, hanging out and doing activities together, movies dinner dates, but as soon as it’s time for bed, and the sexual advances started I would get stiff. I just want to shut down or disappear. I pretend to be tired or have a headache to avoid sex and I know that isn’t fair to my partner.

 

A few years ago I decided I must be gay, and had my first relationship with another woman. At first it seemed to be the answer, but as I approached that 1 month marker, the same familiar feelings crept in. I’ve been with her for a few years now, but I know now that being gay or bi wasn’t the reason for my lack of sexual interest. 

 

I always felt like in order to be asexual you had to have never had sex or never wanted to. I always want to at the onset of a relationship, but once or twice is generally enough and I’m ready to be done with it. 

 

So after reading about gray sexual, I thought perhaps that’s where I land, at least I hope so because it would be nice to gain some understanding around this. 

Ok I feel this way as well! I also want to want those things, and seem to want those things in the beginning of a relationship. I also thought that maybe I was gay but nothing arouses me. I also think I am grey sexual and am also looking to gain understanding. I feel comforted finally just knowing that there’s someone else that feels how I do ❤️

[Geeky]

Hey so, idk if I really fit in here (I'm allosexual) but my partner just came out to me as graysexual. I wanna support them and don't want to make them uncomfortable, but if I'm honest, I'm not sure what that all entails. I'd talk to them about it but due to distance and trouble with communication (they have very little internet access) idk when or how to bring it up. Plus, when we do get to see each other, it tends to be in a group setting. Any and all suggestions are appreciated.

[greysexual]

On 6/15/2020 at 11:11 PM, potterhead29 said:

Hi there! I’ve struggled with sexual attraction for over ten years. When I first became sexually active (I was also very young) I had a “normal” sex drive. Ever since I’ve gone through shorter and shorter waves of sexual desire. I used to think it was my anti-depressants or my birth control, but have been off both of those for a few years now and have had hormone tests to see if that was the issue and everything is normal. Within the past year I’ve started looking into what it means to be asexual. 

Im married, and at the beginning of our relationship I had a “normal” sex drive but that lasted a little less than a year and I’ve pretty much not been interested in any type of sexual activity since...

Hi @potterhead29

I'm a cisfemale of 47 and I must say I have had similar experiences in the sense that through all my relationships, I have been very sexual at the beginning and then it decreased slowly after the first 3-6 months.

 

What is particular in my case is that I also have had a few relationships that went the other way, i.e. in which it was my boyfriend that wanted less sex than me after the beginning (NRE or new relationship energy) was passed. 

 

But in total what I can account for sure is that I have never had a relationship in which I have had a balanced sex life with a partner.

 

Since very recently I started associating myself with the gray ace because I can go from one extreme to the part other very easily. I can go often for a very long time without masturbating at all, not even thinking about it. 

 

I feel I'm particularly affected by NRE and oxytocine seems to be the drug my body is particularly sensitive too. So much that I have anxiety in the beginning of a relationship for fear that the NRE will go away once again. And it always does... I still love my partners then but I have very little sexual attraction and desire. 

 

I feel like I am such a weird mix and quite a mess of a lover! If I were content with having just short- or medium-term relationships I suppose that would do but on top of it I strongly long for a long term relationship so I find myself rebuilding from the ground up every time... Im very lucky to have a very caring and loving boyfriend who is understanding in my discovery and search for what I really want and am sexually. But I must say I feel a bit lost. If there are any similar stories out there I would love to hear about them. 

[Navigating Frustration]

I've always struggled with my sexuality and it has caused me a lot of grief in romantic relationships. Now I'm wondering if it is some sort of greyness. I have always been curious about sex as an experience and have pursued sex actively in an experimental way, but have experienced much frustration over the years. I go through short periods when I experience pretty intense sexual desire. I would even describe it as hypersexuality. My whole body tingles with life. I am constantly turned on. Then it goes away and I don't think about sex much for weeks or even months. I am not bothered by that and don't feel like I'm missing something. I am generally not a very touchy person. Getting constantly hugged or fondled feels claustrophobic. Physical touch is definitely not my love language.

 

These periods of hypersexuality are both wonderful and frustrating. I feel very alive but this fountain of sexual energy is rarely directed at anyone specific. I try dating during those times and usually don't meet anyone I actually really want In have sex with. I have only met a handful of people whom I have truly desired. When this happens, it is usually instant. I see them and feel drawn to them instantly. I occasionally feel mild desire for people in certain circumstances where sex with them is enjoyable, but not something I would want to do regularly. I have also been in serious relationships with people whom I genuinely loved in an emotional and intellectual way, but with whom I struggled to feel true sexual desire. I could have decently enjoyable sex with them very occasionally, but I also had a lot of sex I didn't want to fulfill their needs. It made me feel broken and guilty, and almost like an unpaid sex worker.

 

For a while I thought that I just had low libido due to depression, but then I'd find myself in a creatively charged situation and suddenly experience strong desire that was sometimes connected to another person and sometimes not. That made me feel even more guilty, broken and sad because I couldn't muster that desire for the man I loved. In general, there seems to be very little overlap between my feelings of general desire, my feelings of attraction and my feelings of romantic love. 

 

For a few years, I interpreted these fluctuations between hypersexuality and lack of desire as a symptom of bipolar disorder. But having spent many years in therapy, I no longer think that I have full on bipolar. The more I research sexuality, the more I feel like my type of sexuality gets pathologized because it doesn't fit this predominant cultural narrative of regular desire that healthy people are supposed to feel. When I remove myself from my anxiety about not fulfilling other people's sexual needs, I am fine with the fluctuations in my sexual focus and needs. I crave that deep romantic connection though and want children, but feel a lot of anxiety about navigating this sexual terrain inside a relationship again. I just don't want to be responsible for anyone's sexual needs again. 

 

Does anyone relate to this? How do you navigate this?

 

 

[Navigating Frustration]

On 6/15/2020 at 8:11 PM, potterhead29 said:

Hi there! I’ve struggled with sexual attraction for over ten years. When I first became sexually active (I was also very young) I had a “normal” sex drive. Ever since I’ve gone through shorter and shorter waves of sexual desire. I used to think it was my anti-depressants or my birth control, but have been off both of those for a few years now and have had hormone tests to see if that was the issue and everything is normal. Within the past year I’ve started looking into what it means to be asexual. 

Im married, and at the beginning of our relationship I had a “normal” sex drive but that lasted a little less than a year and I’ve pretty much not been interested in any type of sexual activity since. Thinking back it seems that once I really love someone and am committed that sexual desire goes away. I love my husband and find him attractive. We have been trying to conceive and that is the only time we have sex and it isn’t enjoyable for me but we both want a child. I want to want sex. I want to want that intimacy. But I don’t. I’ve talked with friends and no one I know has these feelings so I guess I’m questioning if this is what I am? From looking into things being a grey ace seems to match up with how I feel. I want to understand so yeah I kind of do want a label. Can anyone share a similar experience? 

What you are experiencing might just be an earlier onset of a tendency that is very common to women. There's a growing body of research that suggests that, contrary to popular belief, women might actually struggle with monogamy more than men and need a variety of sexual partners or just more sexual variety or creativity to feel sexually alive. They might be very happy with their partner in all other ways, but desire takes a cliff dive several years into the relationship. At the same time, the woman might still have a rich fantasy life or be attracted to other people. Apparently for men the lessening of desire for a familiar partner tends to be more gradual and slower. I would recommend Wednesday Martin's "Untrue". It's an excellent discussion of newer research on female sexuality which breaks many old assumptions, the primary one being that women crave monogamy and emotional connection, while men seek variety and separate sex from emotion. 

[Navigating Frustration]

On 2/2/2021 at 7:57 PM, greysexual said:

Hi @potterhead29

I'm a cisfemale of 47 and I must say I have had similar experiences in the sense that through all my relationships, I have been very sexual at the beginning and then it decreased slowly after the first 3-6 months.

 

What is particular in my case is that I also have had a few relationships that went the other way, i.e. in which it was my boyfriend that wanted less sex than me after the beginning (NRE or new relationship energy) was passed. 

 

But in total what I can account for sure is that I have never had a relationship in which I have had a balanced sex life with a partner.

 

Since very recently I started associating myself with the gray ace because I can go from one extreme to the part other very easily. I can go often for a very long time without masturbating at all, not even thinking about it. 

 

I feel I'm particularly affected by NRE and oxytocine seems to be the drug my body is particularly sensitive too. So much that I have anxiety in the beginning of a relationship for fear that the NRE will go away once again. And it always does... I still love my partners then but I have very little sexual attraction and desire. 

 

I feel like I am such a weird mix and quite a mess of a lover! If I were content with having just short- or medium-term relationships I suppose that would do but on top of it I strongly long for a long term relationship so I find myself rebuilding from the ground up every time... Im very lucky to have a very caring and loving boyfriend who is understanding in my discovery and search for what I really want and am sexually. But I must say I feel a bit lost. If there are any similar stories out there I would love to hear about them. 

Check out the suggestion I gave to potterhead29. You are so not alone, though you might experience the drop in desire sooner than the average woman. 

[Navigating Frustration]

On 10/15/2019 at 3:49 PM, Puck said:

First and foremost, there is nothing wrong with you. At all. Period. Whether or not you fit in one sexuality label or another, what is and always will be true is that what you want or don't want is utterly and completely valid all the time.

 

What you two are dealing with is a difference in desire. That is neither of your fault and it's not uncommon. It is just as much his "fault" that he wants to have sex more often than it's your "fault" that you don't. There is no reason for you to ask yourself what's "wrong" with you while not wondering what's "wrong" with him that he wants it so much. Both of you have needs; needs to have a certain amount of sex. Neither is wrong and both of you deserve to have that amount respected by your partner. Your need to not have sex and his need to have sex are both entirely valid and both partners need to recognize and respect them as such. Your partner should respect you enough to recognize that your lower libido isn't a choice (no matter your label), but rather it's a reality he needs to honor and learn to work with.

 

That all being said, the difference is still the reality. And it's one that can and has made many partners decide they are simply not compatible. There is no shame in that, it's just like realizing that one person wants kids and the other doesn't. There is nothing wrong with having kids or not having kids, or wanting lots of kids or just a few, but if two partners aren't in agreement with what they want out of the relationship, then there is going to be issues. In that same way, there is nothing wrong with having sex or not, or having it a lot or just a few times, but in order for you both to work, you need to find an amount that is fulfilling enough for you both.

 

What might help you both is to have an open an honest conversation. Both of you might want to think about how much sex you would ideally like to have, how much sex you would both like to have as a maximum, and how much as a minimum. This should be something that you think you could sustain for years, but also this is NOT a contract and always able to be re-explored (so, if either of you realizes in a few years that your minimums, maximums, or ideals have changed, it's time to do this again). See where they overlap (if they do). For example, if your maximum is twice a month and his minimum is twice a month, that is how much sex you should both be shooting for. If there is no overlap, then maybe it's time to consider other options.

 

As for meeting the roughly agreed amount, it might help you to plan sex. Pick a day together for you to get together and then work on making it something you can enjoy. Maybe he takes you on a date before or maybe you buy yourself a new outfit that makes you feel sexy. Make it an event you could look forward too. This should be an activity you both enjoy, even if to different degrees. Be sure to remember that.

 

You can also try sex that isn't as "involved" for you. Perhaps you can only tolerate PiV (penis in vagina) sex twice a month, but you could give oral or hand jobs 4 times a month. That way he still gets a higher amount, but maybe you don't feel quite as asked upon as you don't have to prepare your body quite to the extend PiV requires.

 

If there is no overlap, you still have options. You might want to consider opening up the relationship. Then, both of you can get the amount of sex you need. If your partner needs it three times a week, but you can only give twice a month, then someone else can help you both make up for that gap. There are many ways to open up the relationship, so you can decide what is best for you. Perhaps your partner can only do hook-ups so he isn't to have another consistent partner. Or perhaps you do a "don't ask don't tell" version where he's allowed to have sex outside the relationship, but he has to be sure you never know about it. Or you could agree he's only allowed to seek certain kind of sex from others, so maybe you say he's only allowed to have PiV with you. Or maybe you are both comfortable being poly where he's openly dating someone else while still dating you. Different people are comfortable with different things, it's up for you two to decide not only what work but what makes you happy.

 

I do want to say, as I've been a little beating around, the reality might be that you two are incompatible. Again, that does NOT mean there is something wrong with you, it just means you two aren't going to be the people who can bring each other the most happiness. Now that you know you have a lower sex drive, you can seek partners that also have lower ones so that you both can more easily find the right amount of sex to have to keep the relationship functioning happily. Or even seek ones that have no sex drive if you would rather avoid it entirely. There is NO shame in breaking up over incompatible libidos and if you do, it is neither of your fault. People do it all the time. He's your first sexual partner, it's SO rare people find the right person on the first shot. Again, it's like breaking up over one of you wanting kids and the other not; you two just have different visions of what you want out of a relationship and what kind of a future you want. This isn't me telling you you should break up, rather me trying to empower you to know that it is an option that would be completely reasonable and understandable for you to explore. I'm also trying to empower you to know if you chose this option, it was not a failure on your part, nor his; rather it was just a reality that you both tried to make your relationship work but learned you weren't actually compatible. It sucks, but partners learn that about each other all the time, and it's better to acknowledge it now rather than further into the relationship when you both are still not happy.

 

I hope that all helps. Any option you and your partner choose is valid and right. Both of you should feel happy and fulfilled by this relationship, as much as possible, and I hope the options I have laid out here help you do that. Good luck and all the best to you as you continue on this journey of understanding yourself.

Thank you for this very thoughtful answer, Puck. There is soooo much stigma in our culture about ending a relationship over sex. There's this idea that if you are mature enough, you should get over something so "trivial." At the same time, there's also so much pressure to have "regular" sex to be considered a "healthy" couple or individual. I wonder how many couples feel anxiety over their infrequent sex not because they really want more but because they feel they should be having more. And then there's the coupling of love and desire, whereby the level of our desire is supposed to correlate with the how much we love someone and vise versa. All this has given me so much grief in relationships. So much guilt for not wanting the man I loved as much as he seemed to want me, feeling like maybe I didn't love him "enough" or was misleading him. 

[ashwein]

Question about navigating the dating scene! Please direct me if I'm in the wrong place, I'm new xD

 

I very recently realized my identity as an ace. I've only had one boyfriend in college, sex was something I did out of obligation, and I only enjoyed the act on one occasion out of the two years we dated.

I dated one or two people when I moved to NYC. I really thought I desired sex when I started dating these people, but I never enjoyed it much, and always blamed my lack of experience or assumed there was something wrong with me.

Then I stopped dating or having sex for five plus years. Masturbation is fine for me usually, but on rare occasions I get extremely horny.

Ironically enough, physical touch is big love language for me. I love hugs, I love cuddling, I love being physically close.

 

Anyone have advice on navigating the dating scene? When is it best to "disclose" my sexual orientation? Up front or? Strategies for communicating what I want out of a relationship? Navigating the balance for an allo who needs more than I might have to give?

Certainly every situation is different, but I have such limited experience dating at all that I'll take any and all advice the community has to give.

[Libellule]

14 minutes ago, ashwein said:

When is it best to "disclose" my sexual orientation? Up front or? Strategies for communicating what I want out of a relationship? Navigating the balance for an allo who needs more than I might have to give?

Early on. I know lots of people here will say it should be on your profile if you use dating apps, and I can understand that approach, but I think you should only do this if you feel comfortable doing so. That being said, if you're getting to know someone better you should definitely tell them sooner rather than later just to make sure you're on the same page.

 

For what it's worth, I thought I was ace for a while and also dated for a bit during that time. I didn't mention anything about being ace about my profile, mainly for 2 reasons: 1) I wasn't 100% certain that I was ace - and turned out realising I'm not - and I was afraid that I might scare people away for the wrong reasons, and 2) It just felt like such a private thing to me, that I hadn't even talked about with my closest friends, so the thought of disclosing it to strangers just seemed weird to me. My way of thinking was that if I went on a first date with someone, got on really well with them and would like to continue seeing them, then I would also tell them about my sexual orientation. However, if I felt like I wasn't compatible with them for another reason, or maybe didn't feel comfortable around them, then I shouldn't be dating them anyways and there would be no need for them to know this private information about me. 

[olagatz]

On 11/14/2021 at 4:50 PM, ashwein said:

Anyone have advice on navigating the dating scene? When is it best to "disclose" my sexual orientation? Up front or? Strategies for communicating what I want out of a relationship? Navigating the balance for an allo who needs more than I might have to give?

Certainly every situation is different, but I have such limited experience dating at all that I'll take any and all advice the community has to give.

I had similar problem about a year ago. I've never been in a relationship before but then I started dating a guy which now is my boyfriend for almost a year. I knew I'm asexual/or greysexual and I was sure that in order for us to be together he needs to accept it and understand what I feel. I told him on our second date even before we were officially together because I didn't have a problem about being open and also wanted him to know that so he can decide early on if he wants to keep dating or no. Fortunetly, he had no problem with that. I expalined a little bit what asexuality means for me and then throughout the months the topic would come up sometimes and I would try and explain and set up my boundaries as well as I can. I also, like you, love other physical touch like cuddling, kissing etc, which he loves and tells me that it's better than sex. We still have sex sometimes because I usually fluctuate between positive and repulsed feelings when it comes to sex but he is definitely more horny than me. Our solution is usually masturbation. When he's horny and I don't wanna have sex, he just masturbates even with me in the room while i'm watching a movie or study (sounds weird I know but neither I or him have problem with it hahaha and it works very good). Also, one more thing which I think is the most important is that from the beggining I promised myself that I will never have sex when I am in my repulsed-sex moment and wouold never push myself to have sex just for him. Sometimes I think it might be selfish but I don't think it is. It is a very importaqnt boundary which makes our relationship work, when I don't want sex - that means no sex and this has to be respected. If you wanna talk more about your expierience or ask some questions, just message me : ) 

[Beekeeper]

My boyfriend believes he's graysexual. I've been searching for reasons why he has no sex drive and after medical results came back as nothing related, we started talking more and I stumbled upon asexuality and greysexual. We think he fits into the grey category the best. I feel awful and like I'm a pervert when I try and be romantic with him. I always make sure he's into any cuddling or play, but last night broke me. I asked if he wanted me to stop, he waited and said he didn't say that. In my mind he didn't say continue either so I stopped, laid my head on his chest, and he rubbed my back, I got up and slept on the couch for the first time. Were only 7 months in and at first we had sex multiple times a day until I found out he wasn't enjoying it, and it was too much "work". His last few relationships ended because of this, and I dont want to end it but I can't stop crying and feeling rejected. I just want him to be physically attracted to me and want my body. I'm looking for guidance here because I don't want to abandon him, I love him, but sex is important to me for some reason. Masterbating isn't the same.

[gray_d_h_d]

I am a cis-woman in a long-term, live-in relationship with a cis-man. Not super relevant, but we both identify as bisexual. We had sex for the first couple months of our relationship, and then we have stopped ever since. It was actually him who had the lower libido, so I felt rejected and doubted our otherwise very wonderful relationship. Meanwhile I had never been really into sex and always felt defective. Recently I told him I thought I might be graysexual and asked if maybe he was too, and he said he didn't think so, but he had never thought about it before. We are super intimate without it being in a sexual way (i.e. super affectionate emotionally and physically, but we don't even make out, just kiss and cuddle and stuff), so I still have questions that make me worry a little, even though we are a really solid, loving couple. I have talked to therapists about it and my new one is really good about reminding me that the media portrays relationships and the sexual aspects of them in a very homogeneous way. It's been two years and neither of us have made much effort to have sex. I do get urges but it's mostly fantasizing about celebrities or just watching adult content which are way more reliable in terms of satisfying me than sex has ever been. I guess I need to accept that that's okay. But I'm wondering if there are other ways couples have navigated this. Honestly, it would be a big relief if my bf and I both ended up being gray ace. Neither one of us is pressuring the other at all, and I used to say that I wish I had a relationship where sex wasn't necessary, but now that I have it, I still wonder if it's a sign that our relationship is doomed.

[gray_d_h_d]

On 3/4/2021 at 9:22 AM, Navigating Frustration said:

Thank you for this very thoughtful answer, Puck. There is soooo much stigma in our culture about ending a relationship over sex. There's this idea that if you are mature enough, you should get over something so "trivial." At the same time, there's also so much pressure to have "regular" sex to be considered a "healthy" couple or individual. I wonder how many couples feel anxiety over their infrequent sex not because they really want more but because they feel they should be having more. And then there's the coupling of love and desire, whereby the level of our desire is supposed to correlate with the how much we love someone and vise versa. All this has given me so much grief in relationships. So much guilt for not wanting the man I loved as much as he seemed to want me, feeling like maybe I didn't love him "enough" or was misleading him. 

I really relate to having "anxiety over infrequent sex not because they really want more but because they feel they should be having more." My boyfriend and I both have pretty low libidos, and in the past I've wanted a relationship where I didn't have to have sex, but I still get anxious that we're doomed because we don't have sex, even though we have a great loving affectionate relationship.

[SurvivorN]

Trigger warning: this post mentions depression/suicidal thoughts 

 

Hello everyone, I'm so relieved I found this forum. 

I'm a cis-woman and a lesbian. I have been married for 3 years now. My wife and I are each other's firsts when it comes to sex. 

Recently, I've noticed she hasn't been keen on sex like before. When I bring it up she says it's about life stressors. We do have a stressful life and we're on our own. We live in a country where homosexuality is a taboo and we are keeping our marriage secret. One of the most stressful times for us was covid, we were separated for 9 months and it happened 4 months into our marriage. It was really tough. After we met again, our sex life hasn't been the same. 

I recently started thinking maybe my wife is ace or grayace. She only wants sex when she has a need and sometimes when she really misses me. Otherwise she always feels too stressed about it. She says she has to be in a specific mindset to do it. 

She also talks about our separation for those 9 months and how it affected us. Idk if this is her sexual identity or trauma because she feels anxious about sex and she was raised to believe that sexual arousal is forbidden religiously. She also links feeling aroused to a time when she was extremely depressed and suicidal. 

 

We do talk about all this but we are very confused and we can't seek therapy here. I just want to understand so I can help her. I also need to know for myself because I'm allosexual and it's been tough thinking she doesn't feel attracted to me anymore. 

 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

9 minutes ago, SurvivorN said:

Trigger warning: this post mentions depression/suicidal thoughts 

 

Hello everyone, I'm so relieved I found this forum. 

I'm a cis-woman and a lesbian. I have been married for 3 years now. My wife and I are each other's firsts when it comes to sex. 

Recently, I've noticed she hasn't been keen on sex like before. When I bring it up she says it's about life stressors. We do have a stressful life and we're on our own. We live in a country where homosexuality is a taboo and we are keeping our marriage secret. One of the most stressful times for us was covid, we were separated for 9 months and it happened 4 months into our marriage. It was really tough. After we met again, our sex life hasn't been the same. 

I recently started thinking maybe my wife is ace or grayace. She only wants sex when she has a need and sometimes when she really misses me. Otherwise she always feels too stressed about it. She says she has to be in a specific mindset to do it. 

She also talks about our separation for those 9 months and how it affected us. Idk if this is her sexual identity or trauma because she feels anxious about sex and she was raised to believe that sexual arousal is forbidden religiously. She also links feeling aroused to a time when she was extremely depressed and suicidal. 

 

We do talk about all this but we are very confused and we can't seek therapy here. I just want to understand so I can help her. I also need to know for myself because I'm allosexual and it's been tough thinking she doesn't feel attracted to me anymore. 

 

Hi. Welcome to the site.
Sorry to hear it's been hard that way.

Stress can definitely affect sexuality quite a bit for lots of people. Negativity in general too. I think as far as asexuality or graysexuality, it's hard to tell just from what you shared, everyone feels differently about  sex and there's people who are also just less sexual or need to be in a good mood for it, etc. The most important regardless of label is to understand each other and see what can help. And if it seemsl ike it's hard or taking a toll on you then expressing that and maybe suggesting a couples counselor could be an option. Sometime even if someone is attracted there can be other things in the way, or maybe she's attracted more in other ways and doesn't feel sex is as important. If sex  isn't important to her at all then at may be a sign of being on the asexual spectrum. Someone asexual can still want intimacy though, so I wonder if you suggested other forms of intimacy how she would respond to that. Just a wondering. Hope you can find whatever helps both of you.

Also hope she can come to relax and feel better in herself too. And you too in general 🌈

[SurvivorN]

5 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hi. Welcome to the site.
Sorry to hear it's been hard that way.

Stress can definitely affect sexuality quite a bit for lots of people. Negativity in general too. I think as far as asexuality or graysexuality, it's hard to tell just from what you shared, everyone feels differently about  sex and there's people who are also just less sexual or need to be in a good mood for it, etc. The most important regardless of label is to understand each other and see what can help. And if it seemsl ike it's hard or taking a toll on you then expressing that and maybe suggesting a couples counselor could be an option. Sometime even if someone is attracted there can be other things in the way, or maybe she's attracted more in other ways and doesn't feel sex is as important. If sex  isn't important to her at all then at may be a sign of being on the asexual spectrum. Someone asexual can still want intimacy though, so I wonder if you suggested other forms of intimacy how she would respond to that. Just a wondering. Hope you can find whatever helps both of you.

Also hope she can come to relax and feel better in herself too. And you too in general 🌈

(Possible TMI)

Hi,  

Thanks for your kind wishes. 

 

My wife enjoys cuddling, kissing, massaging for intimacy. Sometimes if she's relaxed or in a good mood, all this turns into foreplay then sex, otherwise she'd get put off. It's almost like a kill switch, she just shuts down. 

 

It usually turns into just taking care of me or saying she doesn't feel like it. I feel like she needs to mentally prepare for it. Also it's difficult for her feel arousal. 

 

We're both in therapy and we take antidepressants so maybe that's a factor too. Unfortunately we can't get couple's council to discuss this topic. That's why I thought maybe some weigh ins here would help. 

 

Thank you for your answer 😁

I appreciate you taking the time 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

6 hours ago, SurvivorN said:

(Possible TMI)

Hi,  

Thanks for your kind wishes. 

 

My wife enjoys cuddling, kissing, massaging for intimacy. Sometimes if she's relaxed or in a good mood, all this turns into foreplay then sex, otherwise she'd get put off. It's almost like a kill switch, she just shuts down. 

 

It usually turns into just taking care of me or saying she doesn't feel like it. I feel like she needs to mentally prepare for it. Also it's difficult for her feel arousal. 

 

We're both in therapy and we take antidepressants so maybe that's a factor too. Unfortunately we can't get couple's council to discuss this topic. That's why I thought maybe some weigh ins here would help. 

 

Thank you for your answer 😁

I appreciate you taking the time 

Arousal is tied to libido quite a bit, so that adds another layer. Depression and medication can lower libido sometimes, stress as well, I've experienced it first-hand. There might be several things that are part of the situation. And not really something that can be forced, and it could make sense if she needs quite a few things to align (and more sensuality and things to get arousal to build up) if she does have low libido.  Hope she doesn't feel inadequate or things like that, it can be hard to feel less sexual if it's expected, so maybe therapy can help along, and also that you can be understanding. That's not to say your feelings matter too since they do, it's just sometimes situations are complicated.

[Paula...]

Me ranting about me possibly being gray a and my (sexual) boyfriend possibly not being so sexual after all:

 

For the longest time I have been identifying as ace but recently I've been questioning if I might be gray asexual. My boyfriend of 2.5 years (of which 1.5 years were long distance) identifies as sexual and really respects my boundaries.

 

Whenever we kiss I want to kiss for longer but he doesn't. I would even like to make out a bit but am a bit shy to suggest it because Iast thing I told him was I didn't want to have full on sex that involves naked genitalia. 

 

I just feel a little confused because I was "supposed to be the ace" in the relationship and lately it seems like I want more from him than he does from me. He says he experiences sexual attraction but I never see him have an urge or something that he tries to control. Well, I was thinking maybe he only wants to kiss me for a shorter period of time because it arouses him otherwise and makes him uncomfortable. And maybe thinks that his arousal would make me uncomfortable as well?

 

Anyway, maybe someone has any experience with their partner not being into anything more than kissing and cuddling because oneself is gray a /ace. I'd be glad to hear about your experiences