Questions about Gray-Sexuality

[Lumikuuro]

On 6/22/2018 at 10:42 PM, mps417 said:

TMI but I always have to use lube because I never get wet enough or at all. At one point, I stopped all medications I was on that could affect it(antidepressant, Spironolactone for acne) and nothing changed. I've asked doctors and have been told it's all in my head, I just need to think about it more, or that I'm young and shouldn't be having these problems. 

That sucks that the doctors are being so dismissive. I've only had sex twice, and I had to use extra lube too on the initial entry, but once we got going I was fine. I was very keen to do it though and definitely enthusiastic, so it could be that some people just don't produce all that much natural lubricant and need a bit of lube? I dunno. It could have also been nerves in my case, or being just not used to it. I was enthusiastic but I was very nervous also.

[Ousel]

On 6/22/2018 at 5:42 AM, mps417 said:

TMI but I always have to use lube because I never get wet enough or at all. At one point, I stopped all medications I was on that could affect it(antidepressant, Spironolactone for acne) and nothing changed. I've asked doctors and have been told it's all in my head, I just need to think about it more, or that I'm young and shouldn't be having these problems. 

I don't think you need to be fixed in any way. You're not broken. Society tells us we "should" be enthusiastic about sex or we can't have fulfilling relationships. That's just not so. I think you probably know that as well as any of us, but it's hard to get those societal shoulds out of our heads. 

 

(TMI) Oh maaaaan, do I ever with the lube. I'd practically dump whole bottles in there and it was never enough. I'm sorry but your Dr's are stupid. Some of us just don't have juicy Bartholin glands. Everyone's different. Maybe it means we don't get wet cuz we aren't attracted/desiring sex. Maybe it means our physiological arousal response is offline, which has nothing to do with attraction/desire. Who knows. And yes, I used alcohol to "deal" with sex for quite a while. Past tense on that one. 

[nemoralis]

Hi, folks,

 

New here, and...trying to figure out how much any of this actually applies to me. At first, reading about gray-a was interesting because it seemed like it explained some things, but there are so many definitions out there that sometimes I worry that I'm a square peg trying to fit myself into a round hole. In particular, I've seen some definitions that say that gray-a people feel sexual attraction "incredibly" rarely, and...I'm not sure that's me. Then again, I'm also not sure what qualifies as "incredibly," either.

 

A bit of background, I guess: I'm in my 40s, never had sex before, and only had a couple of serious relationships in my life, neither of which went anywhere. (One, she ended it with me because she felt like I wasn't going anywhere with it [and maybe I was stagnating, but I wish she'd talked about that instead of just ending it], and the second, I ended it because she wanted to take it way faster than I could get comfortable with.) When I was younger, I had a reasonably healthy libido, but I was a late bloomer and very self-conscious. I didn't develop my first crush until my senior year of high school--about the time that she started dating someone else. My next crush was my senior year of college, where I was mooning over a freshman girl, who promptly started dating my best friend at the time and basically never gave me a chance. Since then...well, aside from the two relationships above, there really hasn't been all that much. I've tried dating services, I've tried dating websites, and most of it just never goes anywhere.

 

My sexual drive has diminished dramatically over the years (and I've had my hormones checked--those seem pretty normal), and part of me wonders if my lack of success in dating is that I just don't have that drive pushing me along. Like, I want to meet someone and become friends and once we're there, see if maybe something romantic could happen from there. But there's never a lot of sexual energy behind it, and somehow it seems like that's what's driving most dating--that most people have a sex drive that's tied into their romantic urgings and is the fuel behind them. Don't get me wrong, I like cuddling and physical contact--in fact, I don't usually get enough of them--but...well, when I was seeing my most recent ex, we went to a movie, and she started rubbing my arm at the crook of my elbow. And it felt really nice to be touched, but my body just didn't react at all. I really liked her, I really liked being touched...and it was like the engine just wouldn't turn over. We'd talked about her celebrity crushes earlier, and...she couldn't quite "get" that I really didn't have any. I mean...I see people in the movies and on TV who I know are attractive. I even like looking at them. But...well, again, the engine just doesn't start up. It goes as far as acknowledging the aesthetic pleasingness of such people, and then stopping. If I fantasize about anything, it's just...touching. I mean, it's maybe somewhat intimate touching, but I really don't have a lot of fantsies about going all the way. And usually I end up fantasizing about fictional characters. I think my brain gets in the way of fantasizing about real people by dismissing the prospect as "unrealistic." (Yes, I know what "fantasy" means. Just that my brain won't shut up about it, and that sort of kills it.)

 

Lately, I've sort of come to terms with the idea that I'd be okay with it if I just never did have sex. It's not ideal or anything--I do have some drive, but that drive is low-key enough that it's up there in along the same lines as "it'd be nice to have a really decked-out home theater system, but I'm okay with what I have now, and if I never get one, that'll be fine." I...do more want a partner, but it really feels like most people expect the sex drive to be pushing the pursuit of a partner, and mine just isn't going there. If I had to rely on my sex drive to get me going for work in the morning, I'd end up out on the street and starving.

 

So... I kind of feel like I have shades of "demi" in there, but I have had attraction to people before getting close to them. A few times, anyway. And I have shades of "gray" in there but I feel like I do have attraction more frequently than "incredibly rarely." (Or maybe I don't. It's really hard to measure.)

 

And all in all, I'm just sort of confused. And a little lonely and touch-hungry sometimes. (It seems really hard to find satisfying physical touch without there being a sexual motivation behind it out there, in general.)

 

I'm curious what other people think.

[Éadweard]

Gray-a is intentionally vague because, you know, it’s a gray area. And gray areas are hard to define. Sounds like you’re asexual to me though. 

[roland.o]

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, @nemoralis. Have some cake...

 

Your story resonates with me very much. Don't bother about the "incredibly" rare. That's a rather pointless attempt at a definition. Because if you're gray, it will be absolutely credible to you how rarely you feel sexual attraction. Whereas that person who came up with that definition will have a hard time believing you.

 

13 hours ago, nemoralis said:

Like, I want to meet someone and become friends and once we're there, see if maybe something romantic could happen from there. But there's never a lot of sexual energy behind it

Sounds like me, for most of my life.

 

13 hours ago, nemoralis said:

Don't get me wrong, I like cuddling and physical contact

So you're romantic and sensual. But only the tiniest bit sexual, if at all. http://wiki.asexuality.org/Attraction

Sounds like either graysexual or asexual to me. It can be very hard to figure out this disctinction. But sometimes, I wonder if it's actually that important.

 

You know what you want. It's your choice how much effort you'll put into getting it. When you find someone you click with, you'll have to open up and let them know about your boundaries, and how fast you'd be willing to move. They might drop you because of that. They might drop you for a hundred other reasons. So what? Be yourself, stay true to yourself, and when you find someone who wants you the way you are, cherish what will happen

[EPix]

So, I dont know what I’m doing. I honestly dont.

A few months ago one of my friends was making plans for pins and patches for Pride month and I had asked what one of them was. I ended up with a mini explanation about asexualilty and its spectrum. I did a little research on my own and found out about gray-sexuality. I thought, “Hey, that sounds like how I feel.” I did more digging and I feel like calling myself gray sexual fits the best, and wanted to know if there was a specific flag for it. I somehow ended up here and started reading the other posts.

I dont know what I’m doing. I try to just put off figuring out who I am romantically and sexually wise, but that doesnt seem to work as much anymore.

I feel like gray sexual fits me the best but I also feel like I’m somehow imposing on something i have no right to. Is it normal to feel like that?

[Snao Cone]

Hi @EPix, and welcome!

 

29 minutes ago, EPix said:

I feel like gray sexual fits me the best but I also feel like I’m somehow imposing on something i have no right to. Is it normal to feel like that? 

I do think a lot of people go through that feeling, especially when they discover it as you have - by hearing about it through other people before you even knew it might apply to you. You snooped around and discovered something through the stories of people who already identify this way. I can see how that might seem like it's "imposing" but it's really not.

 

I generally just go with "asexual" now, personally, but at the beginning I was worried about imposing myself upon some sort of more authentic ace identity because I didn't fit some stereotype. I identified as in grey for a while based on a number of things that weren't "perfectly" asexual - things like aesthetic attraction and a sex-positive ideology made me think I had to add some kind of disclaimer to the label I used. It was through talking to people here and reading a wider range of experiences and perspectives that I decided to keep the label simple and focus on richer dialogue in a broader community. If you think "gray sexual" does the best job in communicating this part of you, then you don't need any more permission than that. Hopefully talking to similar people will help you shake off that initial feeling.

[EPix]

20 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

Hi @EPix, and welcome!

 

I do think a lot of people go through that feeling, especially when they discover it as you have - by hearing about it through other people before you even knew it might apply to you. You snooped around and discovered something through the stories of people who already identify this way. I can see how that might seem like it's "imposing" but it's really not.

 

I generally just go with "asexual" now, personally, but at the beginning I was worried about imposing myself upon some sort of more authentic ace identity because I didn't fit some stereotype. I identified as in grey for a while based on a number of things that weren't "perfectly" asexual - things like aesthetic attraction and a sex-positive ideology made me think I had to add some kind of disclaimer to the label I used. It was through talking to people here and reading a wider range of experiences and perspectives that I decided to keep the label simple and focus on richer dialogue in a broader community. If you think "gray sexual" does the best job in communicating this part of you, then you don't need any more permission than that. Hopefully talking to similar people will help you shake off that initial feeling.

Thank you. That honestly makes me a lot better.

[VeRyCoNfUsEdGrAcE]

I've begun to question if I am gray-ace. What if you experience sexual attraction but you don't like experiencing it and you don't want to do anything really about it? Is it okay to dislike masturbation and still be gray-ace? What if you don't want to have sex but experience sexual attraction?

[martinicus]

Welcome, @VeRyCoNfUsEdGrAcE . 

 

You might actually be not a gray ace but a "full ace".

 

How does sexual attraction work for you? Is it real attraction - like looking at some person and thinking he/she is hot and feeling desire to bond so closely physically together, to kiss, to do everything physically possible to blend together (which usually means having sex because that's the closest possible way for being close)?

 

Or is it like you not even thinking about it but just realizing that your body reacts in sexual way (feeling tension "down there") when you see some person, and then you feel annoyed and think "Hey, I even don't like that person very much and don't want to be together; why does my body react this way; I hate when I have no control over this!" and you have no desire whatsoever to fantasize about being physically close with this person?

[Rebelinginlife]

On 9/2/2017 at 10:40 PM, Puck said:

Got any general questions about gray-sexuality? Post them here to get answers and discussion from the gray-sexual community!

ok so I’m bi along with being Demisexual but the person That I have just started a relationship with  is gray sexual person and I don’t really know how to approach the matter of boundaries I mean we do have to talk about what we’re comfortable with right??? I guess I’m wondering if there’s a specific time or place in the relationship we address that??? 

I’m so new to this...

[Snao Cone]

20 hours ago, Rebelinginlife said:

ok so I’m bi along with being Demisexual but the person That I have just started a relationship with  is gray sexual person and I don’t really know how to approach the matter of boundaries I mean we do have to talk about what we’re comfortable with right??? I guess I’m wondering if there’s a specific time or place in the relationship we address that??? 

I’m so new to this...

I think all types of relationships have some level of this issue, but some more than others. Since you're demisexual, does this mean you're not interested in sex at this point? One of the common differences that comes up between people who identify as demisexual and others who may simply prefer to hold off on sex for a bit is that demisexual people don't really know if the need for sex is going to kick in at any point as the bond itself needs to click first. Have you felt that kick in yet? If it has, then it's a good idea to approach this very soon, and in ways that a sexual person would approach an asexual partner - gently bring up the topic and emphasize that you want to communicate your feelings and ensure a mutual understanding of your needs. If you aren't feeling sexual towards your partner yet, maybe it could be a lighter conversation where you simply ask them what will make them most comfortable when it is time to have that discussion. Every couple should feel free to communicate their sexual needs or limits in a gentle and supportive conversation.

[Éadweard]

On 7/30/2018 at 9:34 PM, Rebelinginlife said:

ok so I’m bi along with being Demisexual but the person That I have just started a relationship with  is gray sexual person and I don’t really know how to approach the matter of boundaries I mean we do have to talk about what we’re comfortable with right??? I guess I’m wondering if there’s a specific time or place in the relationship we address that??? 

I’m so new to this...

Yeah the time and place is before you start a relationship with someone, not after. 

[Solitude000]

Hello friends, I am new in here.

 

I want to ask about my sexuality. I am 20++ years old man.

 

When i am alone in my room/bathroom, I still love see pretty girl in porn/my imagination then do masturbate. However,  when i meet in person with any girl (including seeing someone that sexy, naked)  i never feel any sexual feeling with them. Also i am not interested to do any sexual activity with anyone and never fallen in love/dating.

 

I don't know why i never sexually/romantically attracted to anyone.

For sexually, I think I don't need anyone to fill my sexual desire.

For romantically, I still don't know if i can fall in love with someone but since i was born until now i still never feel that feeling.

 

Am I asexual/gray? Or i am still normal?

[Diamond Boi]

Yes you’re normal and you might just be aromatic or asexual sense you don’t feel romantic or sexual feeling for people but if you find you only feel sexual attraction to people after a deep emotional connection you might be DemiSexual 

[dragonharpy]

What exactly would you say constitutes sexual attraction? How would you define it? Just curious.

 

[Diamond Boi]

Sexual attraction would be feeling sexually aroused and wanting to actually act on those feelings like I’m demisexual and I can feel “turned on” by seeing sexy people but I don’t ever really want to have sex with them I just feel like that’s be weird but idk if this would be the right definition but it’s what i feel like it is so don’t take my tAke a 100%

[AllTalk]

I've always assumed that I'm just a voluntary spinster.

 

Or one of those modern career women too focused on building a profession and success to worry about relationships. But I'm in my mid-30s, so am seeing all my old school friends married with young children, and my total lack of desire for any of those things invariably brings questions about whether or not I'm "broken". Now, of course I know that's dumb. My desire for a career shouldn't be put on the back burner due to some biological imperative. But it's not like I'm consciously choosing to NOT have relationships, I don't feel like I'm choosing one or the other, career or relationships. I just don't want to be with anyone for any sort of emotional relationship. 

 

I don't want to date, I don't crave sharing my life with someone, I don't even necessarily crave partnered sex. But I wouldn't consider myself asexual. I like sex, I've had partnered sex, I like porn, I read romance novels, I masturbate regularly, I find plenty of men and women attractive. I'm not opposed to partnered sex, I just don't care enough to seek out the partner, build the relationship ... It just all feels like needless hassle when I can do just fine on my own. 

 

So what the heck? Am I really just a voluntary spinster? A slut who is just really bad at what they do? Or does this fall into the "grey-a" zone?? Maybe this differentiation isn't sexual at all, rather some sociological classification like "not marriage material"?

[Puck]

3 hours ago, AllTalk said:

I've always assumed that I'm just a voluntary spinster.

 

Or one of those modern career women too focused on building a profession and success to worry about relationships. But I'm in my mid-30s, so am seeing all my old school friends married with young children, and my total lack of desire for any of those things invariably brings questions about whether or not I'm "broken". Now, of course I know that's dumb. My desire for a career shouldn't be put on the back burner due to some biological imperative. But it's not like I'm consciously choosing to NOT have relationships, I don't feel like I'm choosing one or the other, career or relationships. I just don't want to be with anyone for any sort of emotional relationship. 

 

I don't want to date, I don't crave sharing my life with someone, I don't even necessarily crave partnered sex. But I wouldn't consider myself asexual. I like sex, I've had partnered sex, I like porn, I read romance novels, I masturbate regularly, I find plenty of men and women attractive. I'm not opposed to partnered sex, I just don't care enough to seek out the partner, build the relationship ... It just all feels like needless hassle when I can do just fine on my own. 

 

So what the heck? Am I really just a voluntary spinster? A slut who is just really bad at what they do? Or does this fall into the "grey-a" zone?? Maybe this differentiation isn't sexual at all, rather some sociological classification like "not marriage material"?

You could just be a "normal" sexual person who prioritizes things different from what is perceived as "normal." Or you could just be aromantic (so, you don't desire relationships).

 

I feel like yours is one of those situations where if there wasn't a social obligation/norm, you wouldn't even think your orientation was any different or at all strange. So you don't make relationships a priority, so what? As long as you are happy and healthy as a single female, it sounds to me like you are living your best life. That's really all that matters.

[AllTalk]

10 minutes ago, Puck said:

 

I feel like yours is one of those situations where if there wasn't a social obligation/norm, you wouldn't even think your orientation was any different or at all strange. 

Thanks Puck. 

And it's true, if it weren't for having to answer to what is "expected" I wouldn't even consider it as an issue. But I see people of all orientations actually wanting relationships, families. To find someone they love and settle down. 

 

In terms of who I find sexually attractive, I'd classify somewhere in the realm of bisexual. But even (most) bisexuals want to find someone they can love, right? 

 

Is there a classification (sexual or otherwise) for those of us that don't want intimacy/partnership/reciprocal love, but still like orgasms? Or should I just turn "voluntary spinster" into a thing?? I mean, I'm cool with claiming that! 😁

 

 

[Fluffy Femme Guy]

On 10/25/2017 at 8:30 PM, Seeking Answers said:

In my eyes the more sexual a relationship is, the less romantic it is and vice versa.

This.

 

On 10/25/2017 at 8:30 PM, Seeking Answers said:

It's almost like sex for the sake of emotional connection is a turn-off for me.

Agreed, it doesn't inherently make people closer (IMO).

To me, sex would be something that you decide to do *after* becoming very, very close. A symptom/result of that closeness rather than the cause.

It *can* be emotional and romantic, rather than just exclusively derived from lust/being horny, etc.
But that depends on the people involved, and sometimes it has none of that.

[Puck]

20 hours ago, AllTalk said:

Thanks Puck. 

And it's true, if it weren't for having to answer to what is "expected" I wouldn't even consider it as an issue. But I see people of all orientations actually wanting relationships, families. To find someone they love and settle down. 

 

In terms of who I find sexually attractive, I'd classify somewhere in the realm of bisexual. But even (most) bisexuals want to find someone they can love, right? 

 

Is there a classification (sexual or otherwise) for those of us that don't want intimacy/partnership/reciprocal love, but still like orgasms? Or should I just turn "voluntary spinster" into a thing?? I mean, I'm cool with claiming that! 😁

 

 

I think aromantic  is the existing term that works best for what you are describing, but you can identify as whatever you want. Labels can be helpful as they help people describe similar experiences and find others that feel similarly, but if coming up with your own works better, go for it

 

Aromantic people don't want to be in relationships. It just describes their romantic orientation (which is different than a person's sexual one, though they are often aligned).

 

If you don't know, the way romantic orientation work is that they describe who someone is romantically attracted to. If someone is homo-romantic, they are attracted romantically to those of the same gender as them. Usually, romantic and sexual orientations are aligned so people don't feel the need to differentiate. For example, a "straight" person is actually hetero-romantic heterosexual. People usually only get into their romantic orientation when it doesn't align with their sexual one. As an example of that, I very much enjoy romantic relationships but have no interest in sex. I can fall in romantic love with any gender though, so I consider myself pan-romantic asexual.

 

So, if you find yourself wanting to engage in sex but not have any romantic relationships, I think aromantic [insert gender preference]-sexual is probably the labels you will find the most helpful.

 

Hope that was all a help!

[AllTalk]

30 minutes ago, Puck said:

Hope that was all a help!

So helpful!! Thank you very much for walking me through that. The differentiation between sexual orientation and romantic orientation is exactly what I was trying to figure out. Just didn't have the words for it. 

 

You're the best!

[Puck]

3 hours ago, AllTalk said:

So helpful!! Thank you very much for walking me through that. The differentiation between sexual orientation and romantic orientation is exactly what I was trying to figure out. Just didn't have the words for it. 

 

You're the best!

Excellent! So glad I was able to give info to help you figure yourself out!!!

[zemiq1982]

Hi there... I feel so weird being here and even typing this. Yesterday I was watching some videos from a Youtuber I love and I leave his videos on autoplay in the background while I work, typically. Then up popped a collab with an agender, asexual person speaking on transgender terminology. I've never really had any questions about my sexuality or gender, I figured I was just your typical straight, middle-aged female. But I love to learn new things so I kept listening, and they started talking about asexuality. I was blown away, specifically when they got around to demisexuality. Suddenly I felt like someone was talking specifically about me! And what made it stranger was that this was a part of myself that I don't really think I've struggled with. It hasn't really caused me much hardship or adversity -- and it was something I kept pretty private too so I don't think I even had a chance to feel too much different than everyone else.

 

Then I started seeking out videos about demisexuality, reading websites, others' experiences, and it's crazy to me that there is a name for this way that I feel, have always felt really, and I just called myself a "hopeless romantic." It feels weird being here because I've never really in any way considered there was something really that different about me. I've always considered myself an LGBTQ+ ally but never knew about asexuality and even if I had, I wouldn't have necessarily guessed it would somehow be under the LGBTQ+ umbrella. I feel, sort of like someone else said on this thread, like I'm imposing on something that isn't mine.

 

But this explains so much! My first real boyfriend was in high school, and we dated probably a year almost (in secret because I didn't want my parents to know for some reason) before he kissed me. And, I kind of knew it was coming but I was really nervous and not necessarily looking forward to it. When it happened, he could tell. He was never mean about it, but we did eventually break up. There certainly was no sexual attraction. I thought I was just a late bloomer. Then all of the sudden my sex drive kicked into overdrive. My hormones were definitely raging. But I did not in any way feel sexually attracted to every cute looking guy that walked by. In fact, I basically used porn and the visualization of the act itself basically, or I'd imagine that porn actor doing whatever to that other porn actor, to take care of myself. I distinctly never imagined they were doing those things to me, and I was repulsed by the idea of having sex with someone I didn't know at all.

 

Top that all off with the fact that I was just basically oblivious (most of the time) to when people were flirting with me or interested, and putting myself down as not good enough on the rare occasion I had a crush (but again, not sexually, they were deeply romantic crushes, I wanted romance desperately, holding hands, hugging, talking, getting to know each other). Since graduating high school I have had 4 total sexual partners, and all but one of those relationships were with very close friends. The one exception is a complicated thing for another time another day, but let's just say I was fooled and sort of being pushed into it at the same time and it wasn't good and it was short lived. My sex drive, with my partners that I was close to, was through the roof. I couldn't get enough. 

 

But it was them and only them. If we were apart for a while and I watched porn or something to help myself along, I imagined THEM doing those things, not the people in the porno, not celebrities I liked, not strangers or made up people. I have never seen a celebrity I wanted to have sex with. There are some that I think I'd genuinely like to get to know, and if we were really close, then maybe, but that's not even a reality at this moment in time so I can't even seriously imagine or consider that. 

 

I've had people ask me to play "Marry Screw Kill." Where you pick a celeb you'd like to marry, one you'd like to screw, and one you'd like to kill. This is not a game I can play. First of all, I don't have anyone I'd like to kill. I could possibly think of someone I'd like to marry, but it's more of a respect thing for them as a person, I can't honestly say if they'd be good to be married to. And there is no celebrity I'd like to just have a one night stand with. My inability to "play" this game the couple times it was ever presented to me was probably one of the very few times in my life that I ever felt a little weird or different. 

 

My libido has taken a huge dip in recent years -- most especially the last year. But I have some physical issues (severe insomnia, depression) and life issues that may be contributing. But despite that, I still am crazy about my boyfriend. I love him dearly. I make an effort to be more interested to take care of his needs, because he is definitely nowhere on the asexual spectrum whatsoever. I almost feel borderline asexual right now (though not sex-repulsed), but I think I have contributing factors. When I look back over my life though, rather than just the here and now, I feel like it follows along with demisexuality. However I also think if someone ever happened between me and my boyfriend, I'm not sure if I would look for another sexual relationship. I'd love a relationship, but I don't know if I'd care much about sex.

 

Does this sound like demisexuality? Do people fluctuate, or even change at some point where they could be demisexual and then maybe fall farther toward the asexual side (for non-physical reasons)? 

[Fluffy Femme Guy]

Similar things happened with me.

Had a few weak crushes in middle school, wasn't interested in asking anyone out, or to a dance, etc.

In high school I was aesthetically attracted to more than a few people, but in terms of people I truly would have wanted to be with, the list is *very* small.
I had two relationships during this time and they were 'okay'. Not bad, but underwhelming. Couldn't see why people raved about it.

A few years after highschool, I had 1 or 2 tiny crushes, and that's it.

[Mindscape Torment]

Hey peoples.  So, reading through some of these other questions, I think my situation feels kinda similar. 

I’m good friends with numerous people within the queer community (acting student, go figure), so I’m no stranger the idea of atypical sexualities and gender identities.  I’ve often joked that in most of my friend groups I’m the token Cis-gendered heterosexual male of the group.  The only thing is that I’ve never actually had a relationship myself.  Despite my lack of action I’m sure I’m not Ace, as I certainly would like to have a relationship and I’m not averse to sex or intimate acts. 

I just figured I was a late bloomer and then had little to no idea what I’d do in a dating situation which made it awkward to try.  Then I recently found out about Demisexuality from a YouTube video however and the description just kind of clicked for me.  The idea of not being attracted to someone until a proper bond develops makes a lot of sense to me and I believe I fit that description, but I’m not sure if I should consider myself Demisexual for various reasons, so I thought I’d ask people with a little more experience with the term and get some clarity.

Possible Arguments For:

• Although I’ve been interested in the idea of relationships, I’m 29 years old and never had a relationship, romantic or sexual (Still a virgin and never even kissed a girl).  I was a late bloomer and didn’t see the need to pursue anything during my high school years when I was really antisocial and shy.  The first real crush I can remember was in my second year of university with a classmate I worked on a project with.
• To date, I can count on one hand the number of girls I’ve been interested in enough to want something, but either through lack of action on my part or disinterest from the other party, nothing has happened.  With the exception of one, all of them were good friends before I started developing feelings for them.
• The idea of casual sex or hook-ups just seems really weird to me, and I’ve never had what could be described as “love-at-first-sight” or even casual attraction upon meeting someone for the first time.  A good example would be when friends show a picture of an arguably attractive girl saying “Hey, isn’t she hot?” “uh… I guess?”

Possible Arguments Against:

• I am on the autism spectrum, specifically Asperger’s Syndrome and ADD and so for the majority of my life I just figured my lack of interest/success was due to my difficulty in social situations and obliviousness to flirting.
• I’ve always known I’m hetrosexual and I’m attracted to the female form, and despite the lack of action I would really like to be in a relationship and have a romantic/sexual partner, it’s just that I haven’t found anyone that scratches that itch.

Not really an argument, but could apply?

• I do look up erotic material on a regular basis for personal relief, although I generally prefer artwork or manga.  While I can get aroused by live actors, it feels more comfortable for me when there’s that extra layer of separation, and it works even better if its story driven where there are characters to better understand (god that sounds weird to say when concerning fap material).

So, I guess this is just me saying here’s my situation, does this count?  I can’t say that I’ve experienced any harassment, been called a prude, or anything like that.  The most that’s been commented is that I’m kind of innocent or just oblivious.  Not being in a relationship hasn’t had any lasting impact on my life or affected how others see me too much, but having a name to put there as something to help describe myself might help others to understand where I’m coming from later down the track.  So, I pose the question to whims of the internet.  Does it sound to you like I’m Demisexual or am I reading too much into it?

[No longer active]

On 9/21/2018 at 10:58 PM, Mindscape Torment said:

Hey peoples.  So, reading through some of these other questions, I think my situation feels kinda similar. 

I’m good friends with numerous people within the queer community (acting student, go figure), so I’m no stranger the idea of atypical sexualities and gender identities.  I’ve often joked that in most of my friend groups I’m the token Cis-gendered heterosexual male of the group.  The only thing is that I’ve never actually had a relationship myself.  Despite my lack of action I’m sure I’m not Ace, as I certainly would like to have a relationship and I’m not averse to sex or intimate acts. 

I just figured I was a late bloomer and then had little to no idea what I’d do in a dating situation which made it awkward to try.  Then I recently found out about Demisexuality from a YouTube video however and the description just kind of clicked for me.  The idea of not being attracted to someone until a proper bond develops makes a lot of sense to me and I believe I fit that description, but I’m not sure if I should consider myself Demisexual for various reasons, so I thought I’d ask people with a little more experience with the term and get some clarity.

Possible Arguments For:

• Although I’ve been interested in the idea of relationships, I’m 29 years old and never had a relationship, romantic or sexual (Still a virgin and never even kissed a girl).  I was a late bloomer and didn’t see the need to pursue anything during my high school years when I was really antisocial and shy.  The first real crush I can remember was in my second year of university with a classmate I worked on a project with.
• To date, I can count on one hand the number of girls I’ve been interested in enough to want something, but either through lack of action on my part or disinterest from the other party, nothing has happened.  With the exception of one, all of them were good friends before I started developing feelings for them.
• The idea of casual sex or hook-ups just seems really weird to me, and I’ve never had what could be described as “love-at-first-sight” or even casual attraction upon meeting someone for the first time.  A good example would be when friends show a picture of an arguably attractive girl saying “Hey, isn’t she hot?” “uh… I guess?”

Possible Arguments Against:

• I am on the autism spectrum, specifically Asperger’s Syndrome and ADD and so for the majority of my life I just figured my lack of interest/success was due to my difficulty in social situations and obliviousness to flirting.
• I’ve always known I’m hetrosexual and I’m attracted to the female form, and despite the lack of action I would really like to be in a relationship and have a romantic/sexual partner, it’s just that I haven’t found anyone that scratches that itch.

Not really an argument, but could apply?

• I do look up erotic material on a regular basis for personal relief, although I generally prefer artwork or manga.  While I can get aroused by live actors, it feels more comfortable for me when there’s that extra layer of separation, and it works even better if its story driven where there are characters to better understand (god that sounds weird to say when concerning fap material).

So, I guess this is just me saying here’s my situation, does this count?  I can’t say that I’ve experienced any harassment, been called a prude, or anything like that.  The most that’s been commented is that I’m kind of innocent or just oblivious.  Not being in a relationship hasn’t had any lasting impact on my life or affected how others see me too much, but having a name to put there as something to help describe myself might help others to understand where I’m coming from later down the track.  So, I pose the question to whims of the internet.  Does it sound to you like I’m Demisexual or am I reading too much into it?

Hi there! I wouldn't worry so much about what "counts" as one thing or another. I think that labels help people as a sort of shorthand for telling other people about themselves quickly and/or to help people feel not alone. But they can sometimes have quite the opposite effect: they divide people in unhelpful ways. I can certainly relate to some of what you are saying, but not all of it. So you're not alone, if that helps. 

[Snao Cone]

On 9/23/2018 at 4:55 AM, Cinders said:

Hi there! I wouldn't worry so much about what "counts" as one thing or another. I think that labels help people as a sort of shorthand for telling other people about themselves quickly and/or to help people feel not alone. But they can sometimes have quite the opposite effect: they divide people in unhelpful ways. I can certainly relate to some of what you are saying, but not all of it. So you're not alone, if that helps. 

This is such an important point to remember. Some people just need to settle on what they feel is an accurate word for their own internal sense of certainty and self-awareness, but it's important to remember that most of what we use these words for are to communicate the gist of things about ourselves to people as far as it may concern them.

[Lumikuuro]

On 9/22/2018 at 1:58 PM, Mindscape Torment said:

Hey peoples.  So, reading through some of these other questions, I think my situation feels kinda similar. 

I’m good friends with numerous people within the queer community (acting student, go figure), so I’m no stranger the idea of atypical sexualities and gender identities.  I’ve often joked that in most of my friend groups I’m the token Cis-gendered heterosexual male of the group.  The only thing is that I’ve never actually had a relationship myself.  Despite my lack of action I’m sure I’m not Ace, as I certainly would like to have a relationship and I’m not averse to sex or intimate acts. 

I just figured I was a late bloomer and then had little to no idea what I’d do in a dating situation which made it awkward to try.  Then I recently found out about Demisexuality from a YouTube video however and the description just kind of clicked for me.  The idea of not being attracted to someone until a proper bond develops makes a lot of sense to me and I believe I fit that description, but I’m not sure if I should consider myself Demisexual for various reasons, so I thought I’d ask people with a little more experience with the term and get some clarity.

Possible Arguments For:

• Although I’ve been interested in the idea of relationships, I’m 29 years old and never had a relationship, romantic or sexual (Still a virgin and never even kissed a girl).  I was a late bloomer and didn’t see the need to pursue anything during my high school years when I was really antisocial and shy.  The first real crush I can remember was in my second year of university with a classmate I worked on a project with.
• To date, I can count on one hand the number of girls I’ve been interested in enough to want something, but either through lack of action on my part or disinterest from the other party, nothing has happened.  With the exception of one, all of them were good friends before I started developing feelings for them.
• The idea of casual sex or hook-ups just seems really weird to me, and I’ve never had what could be described as “love-at-first-sight” or even casual attraction upon meeting someone for the first time.  A good example would be when friends show a picture of an arguably attractive girl saying “Hey, isn’t she hot?” “uh… I guess?”

Possible Arguments Against:

• I am on the autism spectrum, specifically Asperger’s Syndrome and ADD and so for the majority of my life I just figured my lack of interest/success was due to my difficulty in social situations and obliviousness to flirting.
• I’ve always known I’m hetrosexual and I’m attracted to the female form, and despite the lack of action I would really like to be in a relationship and have a romantic/sexual partner, it’s just that I haven’t found anyone that scratches that itch.

Not really an argument, but could apply?

• I do look up erotic material on a regular basis for personal relief, although I generally prefer artwork or manga.  While I can get aroused by live actors, it feels more comfortable for me when there’s that extra layer of separation, and it works even better if its story driven where there are characters to better understand (god that sounds weird to say when concerning fap material).

So, I guess this is just me saying here’s my situation, does this count?  I can’t say that I’ve experienced any harassment, been called a prude, or anything like that.  The most that’s been commented is that I’m kind of innocent or just oblivious.  Not being in a relationship hasn’t had any lasting impact on my life or affected how others see me too much, but having a name to put there as something to help describe myself might help others to understand where I’m coming from later down the track.  So, I pose the question to whims of the internet.  Does it sound to you like I’m Demisexual or am I reading too much into it?

You sound demisexual to me. I don't know if you have read my story but I resonate with a lot of what you are saying even though I'm not demi myself. I'm grey, or whatever, but I feel we are very similar in a lot of ways