Questions about Gray-Sexuality

[Pramana]

1 hour ago, Puck said:

There are not "types" of asexuality and there is also not an asexual spectrum. There is a sexual spectrum with "sexual" on one end, "asexual" on the other and a gray area in-between. This spectrum is depicted by the triangle in the top left of the AVEN website. The bottom (where it's black) is asexual, the top is sexual and includes a corner for homo- and hetero-sexuality and the gradient in the middle represents the gray area. Gray/demi/other orientations are at times kind of "looped in" with asexuality because people feel closer to asexual than sexual. If someone is gray and has only ever felt sexual attraction once in their life, they will probably find more kinship amongst asexual than sexuals, even if they aren't actually ace. That's one of the reasons you find a lot of sexuals on this site; many of them are not ace but feel closer to it than not.

The AVEN symbol was drawn to represent asexuality as a continual category, with asexuality covering a range of lowering degrees of sexual intensity, and therefore the asexual spectrum is one of AVEN's core founding concepts. Furthermore, the term "ace" was popularized by David Jay in 2011 as an umbrella term to refer to both asexuality and gray/demisexuality. The term "sexual" refers to "off the asexual spectrum".

For these reasons, your comments above are inaccurate and represent an unjustified sense of entitlement to terminology and community spaces.

 

10 minutes ago, Puck said:

That's not really kinds  It just describes different behaviors/experiences of those who use the ace label.

 

Some sexuals don't masturbate. Some want sex all the time, some only a few times a month... they aren't different kinds though, it just shows that the label explains what kind of partnered sexual relationship one wants and not much more.

The prevailing viewpoint in psychology is that there are multiple subtypes of asexuals, likely with distinct aetiologies (nonlibiodist, libidiost, and autochorissexual). That view is widely held because it is difficult to see how anyone could make a rational argument otherwise, in light of empirical evidence. 

However, if you have alternative facts, then it would be great if you could provide the sources?
 

3 minutes ago, Puck said:

It's true, not all sexuals are as sexual as most people tend to assume. And yes, there are lots of people who ID as ace who are actually willing to enter a sexual relationship.

 

I think you are right, people are more gray than most realize. I honestly think that the "asexuality movement," if you will, is exposing a glaring flaw in societies current ideas of sex; that there is so much more nuance than the idea that people just want to have sex with any attractive person they see on the street. It takes connection and experience and bonding in most people's cases.

 

However, there are indeed asexuals who have never and will never want sex. The reason the label is important is that it needs to express that asexuals are people who aren't willing to be in a sexual relationship. To then, sex isn't gray, it's black and white. It's no and yes, and they have very firmly said no.

Who says the label needs to express that asexuals aren't willing to be in a sexual relationship? It sounds like you want the label to perform a particular political purpose, potentially at the expense of other people who also have a rightful claim to asexuality as an orientation. Furthermore, if the operative criterion for the label was "people who aren't willing to be in a sexual relationship" then a lot of celibate sexual people would fall within its scope. In fact, demographic research suggests that there are a lot more sexual people who prefer not to have sex or who are happy not having sex than there are people who report a lack of sexual attraction, and also that some of the people who report a lack of sexual attraction also report a preferred frequency of sex which is greater than zero.

This strongly suggests that the real issues concern identity politics, a perceived need to find a one to one correlation between an orientation and not wanting sex, presumably because of a perception that an orientation is required to justify not wanting sex (which leaves out all the sexual people who prefer not to have sex, and thus fails to adequately challenge compulsory sexuality).

[Snao Cone]

Pram, do you have any supportive words for members asking questions here?

[Pramana]

3 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

Pram, do you have any supportive words for members asking questions here?

Factually accurate statements are the basis of support (as opposed to using members's questions as an opportunity to push a political agenda).

[Snao Cone]

5 minutes ago, Pramana said:

Factually accurate statements are the basis of support (as opposed to using members's questions as an opportunity to push a political agenda).

I don't see a political agenda in Puck's post. I see a perspective being shared. You're free to share your own.

[Pramana]

Just now, Snao Cone said:

I don't see a political agenda in Puck's post. I see a perspective being shared. You're free to share your own.

Whenever one is making empirical factual claims or normative claims about language, then presumably that speech act contains a claim to objectivity beyond one's subjective perspective.

[smokemeakipper]

Thank you, @Snao Cone, @Puck, @Cnyb and @Pramana for sharing your views in response to my questions.

 

I appreciate that when it comes to anything so rich and varied as sexuality (as with gender, religion, politics and many other areas of human experience and identity), there can be a very wide range of opinions all with underlying theoretical frameworks. Some of these frameworks for approaching the question won't be compatible with each other, resulting in irreconcilable disagreement. For example, when it comes to religion, I'm a pluralist - different religions are different paths to the truth, equally valid. I can therefore accept a person saying they're a Christian Buddhist. Someone who believes one religion has exclusive claim to the truth will almost certainly not accept syncretism of two religions, viewing them as incompatible. We will disagree in a way that's difficult to sway each other because our two approaches are mutually incompatible, but that's OK. Just need to concentrate on the common ground.

 

So, I will consider all the different views and underlying theories for approaching sexuality you have presented, for which I thank you all as it's all valuable input for someone hungry to learn

 

Looking forward to more questions!

[Also Seeking Answers]

On 10/25/2017 at 9:30 PM, Seeking Answers said:

Hi, guys. I just started wondering about this yesterday. I would say please forgive my ignorance, but you guys seem like an amazingly accepting group. So, I'm not sure that's necessary.

A little about me. I'm an ISTJ personality type. A nerd. Socially awkward. 

Overall, I think sex and people's pursuit of it is stupid. Other than making more humans, I don't see much point in it. (And is that even really necessary?) I think it's really over-hyped by society. And I don't like the pressure and social obligation to have it.

In my eyes the more sexual a relationship is, the less romantic it is and vice versa.

It's almost like sex for the sake of emotional connection is a turn-off for me. And don't even get me started on how I feel about the term "intimacy" being used to mean sex or vice versa. It strikes me as a sign of ignorance.

In short, I find sex about as romantic as I find Al Bundy. That is, really not at all.

However, and this is what confuses me. I do get sexually aroused. But it seems to be either when someone I love wants to cuddle and doesn't mention sex. On the flip side, I tend to get aroused at the thought of meaningless sex (e.g. fantasies about strangers, fantasies about spontaneously having sex with an acquaintance/friend with whom I have no romantic feelings, etc.) (In reality, I'm married and have only slept with one person in my entire life.)

I know no one can tell me what I am. But can someone help me figure out what asexuality is in relation to what I've described? Is there anyone else out there like me? Or are there any terms I could research or use to understand myself better?

P.S. I am happily married. Just trying to figure out the pain in the neck that is sexuality or lack thereof.

Wow it's like someone was in my head with this post.

I am curious if anything has changed since you originally posted this, or if you've had any insight? 

I'm in my mid 20s and have had several physical+emotional relationships. I understand that sex is part of intimacy but I also agree exactly when you say:

"Overall, I think sex and people's pursuit of it is stupid. Other than making more humans, I don't see much point in it. I think it's really over-hyped by society. And I don't like the pressure and social obligation to have it.
In my eyes the more sexual a relationship is, the less romantic it is and vice versa.
It's almost like sex for the sake of emotional connection is a turn-off for me. And don't even get me started on how I feel about the term "intimacy" being used to mean sex or vice versa. It strikes me as a sign of ignorance."

 

And:

"However, and this is what confuses me. I do get sexually aroused. But it seems to be either when someone I love wants to cuddle and doesn't mention sex. On the flip side, I tend to get aroused at the thought of meaningless sex"

This also confuses me. Especially because sometimes I will be aroused but as soon as the other person starts making moves towards sex I will get turned off and it doesn't make sense to me.

I am a single female and I was more excited for sex when I was in my teens but I always had the mindset that you stated above, more sex always felt less romantic. And yeah intimacy is not synonymous with sex.. I don't know. I have been in a relationship in which my male partner basically told me I'm wrong. 

I guess I'm just looking for some insight.

 

Thank you for sharing this, it's nice to know I am not the only one.

[mlbee]

Hi! I'm new here and looking for a bit of guidance. Basically I've been (really) confused for the past year or so. This might get kind of long, so bear with me, but I'll try to keep it short. 

 

I had always assumed myself to be a standard, heterosexual female. I had a few crushes when I was younger, and in high school I dated a few boys. The first few didn't progress far, and basically after we kissed a few times I broke it off because "i didn't feel a spark." I didn't think much of it at the time, just assumed that I was supposed to feel a spark or something if I was meant to be with a person (naive high school fun).

 

Then I got into a serious relationship with a friend of mine. We had been friends for about two years before we decided to start dating. It was fairly sexual from the start, but I was uncomfortable with the idea of having sex with him until we had been together for two years. And even though I enjoyed it, I was mostly looking forward to the sort of 'afterglow' cuddling that would happen. 

 

Our relationship got rocky when i moved away for a few months, and I ended up developing strong romantic and sexual feelings for one of the friends I had made there. The new boy and I developed a very close friendship quickly because his relationship was going in the same direction mine was. We were very close and after a few months we realized we had feelings for each other. 

 

After the new boy and I split, I fell into a group of friends who were very open about their sexual endeavors and encouraged me to behave the same. This led to me kissing a few strangers and hooking up (twice) with a fairly good friend of mine. I had known him for three years prior to us hooking up, so even though it was random and not established in a relationship, i still felt comfortable. 

 

About a year ago I began to develop feelings for my (female) friend. They weren't necessarily sexual, I don't think, but I'm not entirely sure because that was the first time I had ever been attracted to a woman who I had actually known. (I'd found certain female celebrities attractive in a way that was a 'girl crush' so i thought, but as time went on i realized my 'girl crushes' were a bit more charged than my friends). We kissed and it helped me realize it's okay to be confused about it all, so I've really been delving into what my sexuality is.

 

So basically over the last year I've been trying out the label bisexual, and it sort of seems to fit, but still not entirely. I find myself fiercely romantically attracted to people, but not necessarily sexually attracted to them? I haven't had sex with anyone in about four years, and I'm fine with it. I have always felt rather indifferent about sex. I really prefer to cuddle and kiss, but I don't usually have a strong desire to take it further. The last time I did start to take it further, I felt like I was doing it because I was "supposed" to, and it felt like I wasn't really in it--like I knew what was happening, but my mind was focused on the technicalities of it, rather than enjoying it. 

 

I've read a fair bit about demisexuality, and I thought that might be it, but it still doesn't quite seem to fit. I feel the need to connect with someone emotionally before having the desire to take it a step more sexual than kissing, but I've had some cases where that happens after a relatively short period of time. I feel like I'm somewhere on the spectrum between sexual and demisexual, somewhere in the grey area, but I'm really not sure. Part of me feels like this is because I've had very little romantic interests in the last few years. Another part is thinking I've always been like this, but I wasn't aware these feelings potentially had names, i just thought this was how it was.

 

I guess what I'm asking is: can anyone relate? Anyone have advice? Do you know of any resources about coming to demisexuality or grey-asexuality after previously identifying as allosexual in some way? 

 

If you took the time to read all of this, thank you. Hopefully someone can provide some clarity for me. I know it's all really personal and no one can tell you outright what you identify as. But maybe some other insight will help. <3

 

 

[Snao Cone]

Hi @mlbee

 

I can see why you're unsure. As I was reading this I also thought "sounds demisexual except for maybe that one case" then saw you say the same thing. It can be tricky. The grey area is ambiguous territory, by definition. I think it's unlikely you'll come across the perfect label, but hopefully the experiences and insight other people share will at least help you communicate your sexuality and romantic orientation to others.

 

If I were to be in a conversation with you, I think I would come closest to understanding the basics of your orientation as biromantic demisexual. Even though you have one experience of developing sexual attraction without a long time to establish a deep connection, going forward it seems like demi is a way to communicate how you generally operate, and what people may expect going forward. Even if you identified as (allo)sexual before, many people start out identifying as something else first especially if it's the default. As for resources, The Gray Area here is the best one I know, but I believe there are also demi specific communities that may help as well (like http://demisexuality.org) 

[lemon_lime]

I think my main problem with deciding if I'm gray or demi is that I don't fully understand what sexual attraction is. I am fairly sure I have not felt it before, thus my confusion. But is it possible for someone to describe it to me? I have only had 1 sexual partner in my life.

[lemon_lime]

Nevermind. This really helped me.

 

 

[duddess_ebster]

On 2/11/2018 at 11:43 AM, Snao Cone said:

Even though you have one experience of developing sexual attraction without a long time to establish a deep connection, going forward it seems like demi is a way to communicate how you generally operate, and what people may expect going forward.

@Snao Cone Thanks so much for mentioning this! I am someone who recently started identifying as asexual but have struggled with coming to terms with my "pre-me" versus the "now-me". (Seems silly but it's hard to describe) I'm the type of person who likes to feel validated in feelings sometimes and so this quote really struck an angelic chord tonight.

 

 

On 2/11/2018 at 8:25 AM, mlbee said:

 I really prefer to cuddle and kiss, but I don't usually have a strong desire to take it further. The last time I did start to take it further, I felt like I was doing it because I was "supposed" to, and it felt like I wasn't really in it--like I knew what was happening, but my mind was focused on the technicalities of it, rather than enjoying it.

And @mlbee I TOTALLY relate to what you're saying. I've had similar experiences so know that you're not alone. <3 I have just recently started identifying as asexual so unfortunately I don't have too much advice to offer but will be interested in following this thread.

 

[lemon_lime]

For a demisexual, what does it feel like to suddenly be sexually attracted to a friend? I’ve read so many threads here about what sexual attraction feels like and I’m still confused. Is it too subtle for demis since you’ve know the person so long? Most definitions agree that sexual attraction is when you see someone hot or meet someone interesting and think sex with them might be nice. But if it’s someone you already know and see everyday, possibly even live with, it must be different. Not just a sudden thought. Right?

[anyone.interesting]

Hi. I'm rather new to this. I've been looking at info regarding asexuality on and off for a year or two now ever since my friend mentioned that it might fit me.I think I am grey asexual but am not entirely sure. Up until very recently, I had never really had any crushes or felt any sort of sexual attraction. As of a few months ago, I started going out with this guy who I am mildly sexually attracted to and really like. Does that fit to grey? Should I head in a different direction? Advice? Please?

 

Thanks so much!!

[Puck]

43 minutes ago, anyone.interesting said:

Hi. I'm rather new to this. I've been looking at info regarding asexuality on and off for a year or two now ever since my friend mentioned that it might fit me.I think I am grey asexual but am not entirely sure. Up until very recently, I had never really had any crushes or felt any sort of sexual attraction. As of a few months ago, I started going out with this guy who I am mildly sexually attracted to and really like. Does that fit to grey? Should I head in a different direction? Advice? Please?

 

Thanks so much!!

Grey is very certainly a possibility! Or, honestly, you could be just straight. Not every straight (or homo, or bi, or pan...) person feels attraction all the time. But if you feel the grey label fits you, then there is nothing wrong with rolling with it

 

What's most important is just that you know what you want from a relationship and how to communicate it with your partner. So, if you need to take it slow or, if you have future potential partners that you are not sexually into, or something else, just be sure to vocalize what you feel.

 

Hope that helps!

[roland.o]

On 2/27/2018 at 2:30 AM, lemon_lime said:

For a demisexual, what does it feel like to suddenly be sexually attracted to a friend?

I can only give one example, my own... I wouldn't have called them a friend at the time, but it was somebody I encountered several years previously. I felt some potential for a relationship back then, but the circumstances weren't right. So we lost contact for several years, but I never completely got them out of the back of my head.

 

Then, suddenly indeed, I started thinking about them much more frequently than usual. Playing through (im)possible scenarios of encountering them in my head, much more intensely than usual. And I realized that these fantasy scenarios drifted from sensual to sexual more and more. I never had sexual fantasies that featured myself before, so I knew something in me had changed. Of course there's a long way from fantasies to reality though.

 

I managed to re-establish contact by email, and was so overwhelmed by my feelings that I dropped into my midlife crises for a few months. That's when I first read about demisexuality, and found AVEN. I've gone through a lot of questioning to figure out if I'm actually sexually attracted to them in real life. And meeting them again was quite daring. By now, I'm reasonably certain that my feelings qualify as sexual attraction. Not in the "Yeah, I'd like to bang you!" way. More like "Yes, I would like to experience this intimate physical contact with you, but if you're not interested, that's OK for me too, I'm well aware that I'm missing decades of hands-on practice and don't want to bother or disappoint you".

 

They have become a friend by now, so I hope this example fits your question.

[lemon_lime]

42 minutes ago, roland.o said:

They have become a friend by now, so I hope this example fits your question.

 Thank you. That definitely does sound pretty intense and like something that could not be missed. Unfortunately I still have no idea what I am. 😂

[Plesiosaur]

Potential TMI? I saw some people label their posts as TMI so here's a warning.

 

Hi! I'm new here, and wondering about myself. I'm a cis heteroromantic female. I've never felt that I particularly fit in the category for allosexual, but I'm not sure I fit asexual either. I'm in a committed, long-distance, romantic and sexual relationship with an allosexual male. I've never felt the need for a label before, but my low sex drive is putting some strain on our relationship lately so I'm doing some research. When we see each other we have sex every day or every other day. It's always initiated by him and I turn him down sometimes, and when we do it I accept because I know he really wants it. I sometimes feel some sexual pleasure during sex but mostly I want it to be over. I do enjoy when he stimulates me manually after sex to get me off, both because it physically feels good and because it makes me feel close to him. I also masturbate pretty often, but never to porn or sexual fantasies (in fact those usually get rid of my physical arousal pretty quickly). As for sexual attraction, I never feel it towards anyone I don't have a strong emotional connection with (although binge-watching 6 seasons of a TV show can substitute for that connection just fine). I've had sexual dreams and fantasies about people and characters, most if not all of which feature them being sexually attracted to me moreso than the opposite. I like being sexy and being wanted sexually, but I rarely desire the physical act that would logically follow those desires. I like the idea of sex, but I almost never want to have sex, and if I do want to have it it's probably because I convinced myself that I wanted it somehow. I do also feel an attraction to some men I feel very connected with, but I don't know if it's sexual or not. That's my biggest conundrum here. The definition of asexuality is to not experience sexual attraction towards other people, and when I ask myself if I do, the only answer I can come up with is "I don't know." Not "sometimes," not "I used to" or "this one time I did." When I think of my attractions towards men, they don't feel concretely sexual, nor do they feel completely non-sexual.

 

Does any of this sound familiar? Can you help me figure myself out? Thanks!

 

-Plesiosaur

[wonderflonium]

Hi Plesiosaur, welcome!

 

I'm by no means an expert, but I would say that some of the things you said resonated with me. I was in a sexual relationship for a short time, quite a while ago (before I realized I was ace), and I accepted sex because is was important to him, and I consider myself "sex neutral" -  it's not physically disgusting to me, but it's not appealing either. I never feel drawn to have sex with anyone. I feel a variety of forms of attraction (aesthetic, romantic, even occasionally sensual) and I originally thought this was sexual in nature, but when I really questioned myself, I realized none of it was tied to wanting sex with that person.

 

You might be ace or maybe grey (I consider myself grey most days, simply because I'm more comfortable with that label), or you might feel sexual attraction, but maybe your drive is really low? You know yourself best, and ultimately only you can decide if the ace label fits you.

 

If you want to chat, feel free to PM me. 

 

[Plesiosaur]

Thanks, wonderflonium! Oh my goodness, sensual attraction. How did I not know this was a thing?? That's exactly what I feel towards my partner. No wonder I couldn't tell what my attraction was, I didn't know there was a kind of physical, tactile attraction that wasn't sexual.

 

1 hour ago, wonderflonium said:

I feel a variety of forms of attraction (aesthetic, romantic, even occasionally sensual) and I originally thought this was sexual in nature, but when I really questioned myself, I realized none of it was tied to wanting sex with that person.

 

[Ryter229]

Hi everyone. I’m a 41-year old queer guy. Married. And we are polyamorous. 

 

I’m just beginning to connect my lifelong anxieties and issues around sex to being gray-ace. It’s been a really liberating thing, honestly. 

 

I was wondering if there are other queer or gay-identifying men here who are also gray-ace. One of the things that’s really been driven home to me lately is that I’ve felt pressured by expectations to be into sex and to use it as a way to get validation from men I like. Do others feel that way? 

[Snao Cone]

17 hours ago, Plesiosaur said:

Potential TMI? I saw some people label their posts as TMI so here's a warning.

 

Hi! I'm new here, and wondering about myself. I'm a cis heteroromantic female. I've never felt that I particularly fit in the category for allosexual, but I'm not sure I fit asexual either. I'm in a committed, long-distance, romantic and sexual relationship with an allosexual male. I've never felt the need for a label before, but my low sex drive is putting some strain on our relationship lately so I'm doing some research. When we see each other we have sex every day or every other day. It's always initiated by him and I turn him down sometimes, and when we do it I accept because I know he really wants it. I sometimes feel some sexual pleasure during sex but mostly I want it to be over. I do enjoy when he stimulates me manually after sex to get me off, both because it physically feels good and because it makes me feel close to him. I also masturbate pretty often, but never to porn or sexual fantasies (in fact those usually get rid of my physical arousal pretty quickly). As for sexual attraction, I never feel it towards anyone I don't have a strong emotional connection with (although binge-watching 6 seasons of a TV show can substitute for that connection just fine). I've had sexual dreams and fantasies about people and characters, most if not all of which feature them being sexually attracted to me moreso than the opposite. I like being sexy and being wanted sexually, but I rarely desire the physical act that would logically follow those desires. I like the idea of sex, but I almost never want to have sex, and if I do want to have it it's probably because I convinced myself that I wanted it somehow. I do also feel an attraction to some men I feel very connected with, but I don't know if it's sexual or not. That's my biggest conundrum here. The definition of asexuality is to not experience sexual attraction towards other people, and when I ask myself if I do, the only answer I can come up with is "I don't know." Not "sometimes," not "I used to" or "this one time I did." When I think of my attractions towards men, they don't feel concretely sexual, nor do they feel completely non-sexual.

 

Does any of this sound familiar? Can you help me figure myself out? Thanks!

 

-Plesiosaur

Hello, and welcome.

 

Do you think you could go the rest of your life without sex? If your partner stopped wanting sex altogether, do you think any needs of yours would become unmet? If your answers are yes to the first and no to the second, I think it's very possible that you're asexual, or grey at such a level that you may identify with the ace community. 

 

I can relate to some of the things you described about what you experience when having sex, as well as how you see sex on a theoretical level. I find sex interesting as a subject, but the sex I've had has mostly been about wanting to get it over with. It took a while for me to realize I was asexual because of that. You're not alone in this confusion, and you'll find lots of people here who can at least help you feel understood, even if there aren't clear answers to how you might best identify.

[Plesiosaur]

30 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

If your partner stopped wanting sex altogether, do you think any needs of yours would become unmet? 

I think my need to be sexually desired would go unmet, which kind of makes me feel like a horrible person xP I can't figure out how that fits in with me not wanting sex.

[Snao Cone]

35 minutes ago, Plesiosaur said:

I think my need to be sexually desired would go unmet, which kind of makes me feel like a horrible person xP I can't figure out how that fits in with me not wanting sex.

What if your partner still showed appreciation for you, and desire in other ways like the kinds wonderflonium listed? I think we're told a lot more things are "sexual" or "sexy" than are necessarily part of sex. I like looking "hot" from time to time even though I'm not looking to attract anyone. I've been known to put on a sexy dress and chat on AVEN, even.

[Effectricis]

Question about using the label "asexual" when I think I'm gray-sexual or possibly demi, and also very probably cupiosexual...??

 

Hey guys, baby-grace here. I've only identified as somewhere on the asexual spectrum for about ten days and I'm still learning so much every day as I keep reading people's stories online and keep asking questions of my allosexual RL friends.

 

I want to ask: is it offensive or wrong for me to call myself asexual just to be quicker when I try to explain myself to people or make posts online when I really have no firm idea of where on the spectrum I am? I use the term 'graysexual' a lot, but sometimes it just feels a little simpler to say "I'm asexual" or tag things online as asexuality. But if this is offensive or rude in any way to the community at large, I'd rather know now and stop doing that.

 

Thank you!!

[Snao Cone]

7 hours ago, Effectricis said:

Question about using the label "asexual" when I think I'm gray-sexual or possibly demi, and also very probably cupiosexual...??

 

Hey guys, baby-grace here. I've only identified as somewhere on the asexual spectrum for about ten days and I'm still learning so much every day as I keep reading people's stories online and keep asking questions of my allosexual RL friends.

 

I want to ask: is it offensive or wrong for me to call myself asexual just to be quicker when I try to explain myself to people or make posts online when I really have no firm idea of where on the spectrum I am? I use the term 'graysexual' a lot, but sometimes it just feels a little simpler to say "I'm asexual" or tag things online as asexuality. But if this is offensive or rude in any way to the community at large, I'd rather know now and stop doing that.

 

Thank you!!

Hey there and welcome!

 

My take on this whole thing is if you're in the grey area but don't care to elaborate to someone, something like "basically asexual" or "pretty much ace" is a reasonable way of representing yourself without misrepresenting asexuality or the asexual community. The "asexual community" has many many people in the grey area after all (hence this whole sub-forum! ). If you feel like elaborating the conversation at that time, you can go into more detail and explain why you feel like you're closer to asexual than most sexual people, but that's really not something that will come up regularly, in my experience. (I mean, people may ask prying questions but you're under no obligation to give them your life story or teach a free course on a/sexual orientations. )

[Éadweard]

There is a reason there’s a gray stripe on the asexual flag. I call myself asexual all the time, but I think people would officially say I’m graysexual. Some bisexual people will call themselves gay if they have a preference for the same gender but still have an attraction to the other gender too. It’s their decision. I very rarely ever find anyone (male or female) sexually attractive. And when I do, I don’t really want to have sex with them. So I’m really very gray in every way, but I’ll continue to call myself asexual because it gets the message of me not being interested across with less confusion. 

[Éadweard]

So, some instances I feel I’m straight, but rarely. Sometimes i feel gay, again, rarely. I normally feel asexual. So I’m gray all around, ambiguous about who I like, if anyone at all. 

[giordic saga]

Hi! I'm trying to determine my sexually. TMI below. So I've had anal sex twice, as the bottom with two guys who I had little to no attraction to. I couldn't maintain an erection during both  times. Could it be due to performance anxiety or just a lack of attraction? I just didn't enjoy both experiences at all. Also, my anus bled both times I think because they weren't very gentle and i wasn't relaxing. I have never tried topping, but I'm more into masc men plus I am very insecure about my penis size and appearance.

 

I recently discovered this site and read that I could be one of those aces who only have fantasies/enjoy the fantasy side of Porn to masturbate to, but if they were to try having sex they wouldn't enjoy it. I usually look for kinky Porn only like voyeur, public, older-younger, or daddy and have masturbated to Porn frequently for 10 years. However, since my recent repulsive sex encounter, reading on this site about how some are only attracted to the sex fantasy, and reading about the harmful effects of Porn, I've easily abstained from Porn for about two weeks now. i still get the urge to watch it, but I think that's just the addiction of watching it for 10 years speaking. I definitely feel aesthetic and sensual attraction, but I'm not sure if I'm only sexually attracted to the fantasies. Please Help and any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

[Snao Cone]

Hi @giordic saga and welcome!

 

A lot of people of all orientations imagine fantasies or look at porn that doesn't reflect what they actually want in terms of sexual desires. In my case, I've never been a regular porn watcher, but there are some things that arouse me in the internal imagination sense that I have no desire to do with another person (which I learned from direct experience, when I had the opportunity). It sounds like what you've been through is similar.

 

It's really up to you if you think you should identify as asexual or in the grey area, but I think you'll find a lot of people with similar experiences here.