Questions about Gray-Sexuality

[Sarah-Sylvia]

28 minutes ago, livimaep said:

Hi! I'm in my first semester of college and I'm just starting my first "real relationship" . We're both girls and I have grown up my whole life in a place that that is very stigmatized. I don't know if I'm just scared bc of that or if I could be grey (or demi?) because I don't feel that sexually attracted to her. I am romantically attracted to her but so far that hasn't really translated into sex. In general I don't really think about or want to have sex, but I grew up christian and I have always thought that that was normal, especially for girls. If anyone has advice or thoughts I would love to talk about it bc there are very few people in my life I can get advice about this. thanks loves! 

Hi. Have you felt drawn to sex with anyone in general?

 

It's possible that you're on the ace spectrum (like gray) for sure. I'm guessing sex is not important to you.

[Absentminded]

I'm pretty sure I'm demisexual, thanks to a few questions I asked when I first joined, but a second opinion couldn't hurt.

These are the reasons I think I'm demisexual:

I'm pretty sure I'm at least greysexual, because I am attracted to females, sometimes find parts of them arousing, but find their "private areas" a little weird and not really attractive.

Also, the reason I think my particular subcategory of greysexual is demisexual because of a few incidents, including a few times where I found a person, not ugly but unattractive, and then got to know them better and found myself feeling attracted to them, and one time where I thought I liked someone, then heard them talking about something I didn't like, and I stopped feeling attracted to them, even physically attracted completely.

The reason I'm not entirely sure is because sometimes I find myself thinking strangers are attractive, though I never feel the urge to be intimate with a stranger, and any physical attraction I do or don't have to someone kind of just gets... overrided by what I think of their personality.

 

So, I'm pretty sure that even though demisexual doesn't match me perfectly, it's the closest thing to describing me since I have no desire to have sex with strangers, even if they're attractive, and when it comes to deciding who I like, their personality ends up defining how attractive I find their body.

 

So, with that information, what's your opinion? Do you think demisexual is the best fit, or do you think there's something else out there that describes me better?

 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

2 hours ago, Absentminded said:

So, I'm pretty sure that even though demisexual doesn't match me perfectly, it's the closest thing to describing me since I have no desire to have sex with strangers, even if they're attractive, and when it comes to deciding who I like, their personality ends up defining how attractive I find their body.

Hi.
It depends what's all going on and how it is for you. Some of those things are sort of myths, that all sexual would necessarily be attracted to strangers or to physical appearance. There's all sorts of people so i understand it can be different than the majority, especially for a guy since it's more common in women to want to like someone and their personality before feeling sexual. Some people also have responsive desire where they don't feel sexual desire unless there's they're being touched or a partner initiates. There's not really specific labels for those in terms of identity.

Demisexual would be for that it takes a long while of getting to know someone or have a strong bond before sexual attraction/desire forms. For some people it can take months or years. I think some people like to use the label because they find their experience quite different from the norm in that they feel asexual and like there's issues that can come up with dating and all that, since it can take a long time before they might (or might not) feel interested in sex with them. It's always up to you for why you find a label can be useful though. In the end the most important is just to be yourself.

[Absentminded]

55 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

It depends what's all going on and how it is for you. Some of those things are sort of myths, that all sexual would necessarily be attracted to strangers or to physical appearance.

This actually makes a lot of sense. If someone doesn't like genitalia, but that dislike is outweighed by the pleasure they get, they can still be allosexual. I won't have any way of knowing if that's me until I am in that situation, though, so until then, I just have to make my best guess, which is this: I think that, if I were to have sex, I'd get some pleasure from it, but would probably prefer other things, like foreplay, except not before anything, and I'd probably only rarely engage in sex. If this were the only factor, it would make me either an allosexual who just doesn't really like sex, or a greysexual who leans more towards the allosexual side.

1 hour ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

 Some people also have responsive desire where they don't feel sexual desire unless there's they're being touched or a partner initiates.

I also would have no idea if that's me. Maybe, if a partner initiated, all my dislikes would just... go away, but I have no way of knowing, and this doesn't sound super common, so my best guess is that I'd probably still find genitalia weird even if a partner initiated.

1 hour ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

...to want to like someone and their personality before feeling sexual.

It's not just that I need to like someone's personality to want to have sex with them. I understand that that's completely normal for allosexuals. What throws me off is that I've got this friend, who a actually thought was rather unattractive when we first met, and despite them not changing their appearance, I now definitely find them physically attractive since I've known them for a year. And it's not an isolated incident, either, or I'd just write it off as coincidence. So while I know it's normal to want to like someone's personality before being sexual, is it normal for allosexuals to develop physical feelings for someone who they previously found unattractive purely from their personality? I always thought that an allosexual could like someone's personality, but still wouldn't feel sexual attraction to them unless they also liked that person's body,

 

1 hour ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Demisexual would be for that it takes a long while of getting to know someone or have a strong bond before sexual attraction/desire forms. For some people it can take months or years.

It took me over half a year to start finding that friend physically attractive, but I still am a little confused. The way I understand it, people want sex because they like two things: a person's body and/or a person's personality. An allosexual person usually requires both to want to have sex with someone, and if they do only need one, it's usually the physical attraction. A demisexual person, on the other hand, needs to like a person's personality no matter what, will never experience sexual attraction without knowing someone well, and may need to like a person's body, but that will only manifest itself after they know the other person well because they won't feel attraction before that,

Unlike demisexual people, I can feel attracted to people I don't know well, but it's always more sensual than sexual. However, unlike allosexual people, I don't need to like someone's body to feel sexually attracted to them. Really, so long as they're the gender I'm into and don't have anything that seriously grosses me out going on, I can physically like someone based only on their personality, even if their body isn't what I would normally be into. Also, unlike allosexual people, I stop finding people's bodies attractive if I don't like their personalities, even if they'd normally be attractive to me.

 

I guess the only real difference between myself and a demisexual person is that I can be attracted to people I don't know well.

 

Wait, I realized something, but I'm not gonna erase and rewrite everything, especially since a lot of my points still stand. According to research I did, there's three types of attraction: aesthetic, sensual and sexual. Demisexual people don't feel sexual attraction to people they don't know well, but nothing I read said they couldn't feel sensual attraction to strangers. I've found people I don't know well to be sensually arousing, but I've never wanted to have sex with them. So maybe I do fit into the category of demisexual. I'm still not perfectly sure, though. Does what I just described sound feasible?

2 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

It's always up to you for why you find a label can be useful though.

Even if I'm not perfectly demisexual, though, I may just go by it anyways, because functionally, I do romance the same way a demisexual person would. We both rely almost entirely on personality, and wouldn't enjoy sex with someone we don't know well. So if I tell a potential partner, "I'm demisexual," it would still tell them everything they really need to know about me in a relationship, and there would be no akward moment where I don't behave the way a demisexual person should. And when we got a little further into a relationship, I would explain the tiny, little things that might make me not quite demisexual, and just someone who acts almost exactly like a demisexual.

 

Also, thanks for telling me to just be myself. Maybe I won't fit perfectly into any category, and that's okay.

[Absentminded]

I was just reading more on the site when I heard of nebulasexuality. It describes being unable to tell apart liking someone sexually or platonically, especially because of neurodivergence. I am neurodivergent, and this would explain why I feel attracted to my friends, but can also feel attracted to strangers. Maybe that's the best fit.

Still doesn't explain why I dislike genitals, though, but it's still helpful.

Not very well known, though... may cause misunderstandings... maybe I should still go by demisexual, just for prudence? Besides, the attraction I feel doesn't feel "mistaken" to me, and I don't feel that way about my male friends, even though I like them platonically.

So I guess that's not quite right either.

Also, I wonder, how much of the "wouldn't have sex with a stranger" is because of actual lack of attraction, and how much is because that's just not the way I am?

 

There's another concept called "novisexuality," which is having a complicated sexuality that you don't feel can be properly summed up by one label. It's also not well known, but if I call myself "novidemisexual" or "novisexual similar to demisexual," then I would simultaneously be able to convey that I am similar to a demisexual person, but am not completely summed up by that category.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

1 hour ago, Absentminded said:

This actually makes a lot of sense. If someone doesn't like genitalia, but that dislike is outweighed by the pleasure they get, they can still be allosexual. I won't have any way of knowing if that's me until I am in that situation, though, so until then, I just have to make my best guess, which is this: I think that, if I were to have sex, I'd get some pleasure from it, but would probably prefer other things, like foreplay, except not before anything, and I'd probably only rarely engage in sex. If this were the only factor, it would make me either an allosexual who just doesn't really like sex, or a greysexual who leans more towards the allosexual side.

This sounds very graysexual to me, honestly. I'm graysexual myself, which is why I can relate. Sex is not important to me, and it feels like it's not that important for you too. You also mostly only thought of the pleasurable side, and that's how I used to see it too. When I talked on this site, I understood more how alot of allosexual people mix sexual and romantic desire together, and sex is a way to share and express that pleasure together as well as love. That's foreign to me, because it doesn't connect to romance for me, but I am romantic. I'm also sensual, and to me 'foreplay' is not for sex, it's just close affection. Romance is intimacy to me so being able to share it physically means a lot to me, but not sex. That's where I have a disconnect. It's just how I am.

 

I wouldn't mind being able to express love through sex, or care enough about the pleasure, but I think I prefer not to, and sex would be just for a bit of an experience together, I  guess. I'm ok with an asexual relationship too, with no sex as part of it. I kind of discovered that in the last years I'd say, if it wasn't just automatically assumed. I'm pretty sure romance has always been more important or just something totally different. So that's me, I consider myself graysexual and Biromantic.

Don't know how you'll relate to those things, but just shared a bit from me.

 

1 hour ago, Absentminded said:

I also would have no idea if that's me. Maybe, if a partner initiated, all my dislikes would just... go away, but I have no way of knowing, and this doesn't sound super common, so my best guess is that I'd probably still find genitalia weird even if a partner initiated.

I guess the thing about sex, with a good partner at least, can be tuned to fit us. So if your partner knows that you dont' like some aspects of sex, you can totally find ways that you both enjoy it. It takes communication, like any relationship, and being able to share about what you both like, when sex comes up. And I do think sex shouldn't be assumed in a relationship. If for you you think you'd need to discover how you feel, then it can be fine to have whatever sexuality you have.

 

1 hour ago, Absentminded said:

So while I know it's normal to want to like someone's personality before being sexual, is it normal for allosexuals to develop physical feelings for someone who they previously found unattractive purely from their personality? I always thought that an allosexual could like someone's personality, but still wouldn't feel sexual attraction to them unless they also liked that person's body,

That's normal enough I think. When someone develops feelings for someone they can see them differently and because it's them, hanging how you view them. And we all project a little on physical appearance, some more than others though.

 

Quote

It took me over half a year to start finding that friend physically attractive, but I still am a little confused. The way I understand it, people want sex because they like two things: a person's body and/or a person's personality. An allosexual person usually requires both to want to have sex with someone, and if they do only need one, it's usually the physical attraction. A demisexual person, on the other hand, needs to like a person's personality no matter what, will never experience sexual attraction without knowing someone well, and may need to like a person's body, but that will only manifest itself after they know the other person well because they won't feel attraction before that,

I think there's more ways to be when sexual. Just from seeing how different people are, I think I've seen people want sex for many reasons, but if sex is important to someone, either in general or in a relationship, then I think that's one side of allosexuality, but really it's about having sexual attraction or desire for sex. At some point on the sexual spectrum that's just weak or rare, and in my case I feel it's low enough that graysexuality makes sense. It's ok to keep open even if you use a label, so if something makes sense to you then you can use it and see if it fits as you learn more about what you feel. Or if you feel confident then you can put more weight in it.

 

I can get back to more tomorow.

 

 

[Absentminded]

@Sarah-Sylvia

Thanks for responding. Once again, all really helpful stuff!

Is stringing prefixes a thing, because people often assume that I don't do romance at all because I don't act the way an allosexual would, but that's not true. I came here hoping to find a category that fit me perfectly so I could fix that confusion, but I don't think any one describes me perfectly. But if I can string prefixes, maybe I can make one?

 

For instance, I'm still learning about both myself and the labels, but for now, I've come up with a word that works really well: Adfectonovidemiheterosexual.

Taken as one really long word, it would describe someone who likes the opposite gender, requires an emotional bond and has their physical attraction easily affected by personality the way a demisexual person does, but doesn't think their sexuality can be perfectly described by any category, and knows that their sexuality is affected by their neurodivergency.

 

So can I string prefixes like that?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

37 minutes ago, Absentminded said:

@Sarah-Sylvia

Thanks for responding. Once again, all really helpful stuff!

Is stringing prefixes a thing, because people often assume that I don't do romance at all because I don't act the way an allosexual would, but that's not true. I came here hoping to find a category that fit me perfectly so I could fix that confusion, but I don't think any one describes me perfectly. But if I can string prefixes, maybe I can make one?

 

For instance, I'm still learning about both myself and the labels, but for now, I've come up with a word that works really well: Adfectonovidemiheterosexual.

Taken as one really long word, it would describe someone who likes the opposite gender, requires an emotional bond and has their physical attraction easily affected by personality the way a demisexual person does, but doesn't think their sexuality can be perfectly described by any category, and knows that their sexuality is affected by their neurodivergency.

 

So can I string prefixes like that?

Hey. Stringing word in that way is not typical and would be very confusing xD. I would use hyphens in a way that makes sense or use two different labels. Also just to mention, the more something is a micro label, the more often it needs to be explained when mentioned. Just to say. And putting them together makes it a lot harder to know what the label is.

 

And on the genitals part, to mention, some people don't like genitals. I don't think someone would consider that part of orientation. Dislikes aren't usually part of an identity as well. There's so many things that someone can either like or dislike about sex, they're things to talk about with a partner, and too much info to put in a label :P. Maybe a way to think about it is something that defines you when it comes to sexuality, and romance as well.

I think it's normal for regular people to mix sex and romance but you can have a romantic orientation and something else for sexual, that's a lot of us do it on the asexual spectrum. You can go one label at a time or combine a few parts (ideally with spaces or hyphens for clarity).

 

Feel free to share more on what you thought.

 

9 hours ago, Absentminded said:

I was just reading more on the site when I heard of nebulasexuality. It describes being unable to tell apart liking someone sexually or platonically

From what you said before, it sounded like you did know how you felt about someone you came to like more, so I'm not sure how how this fits, or maybe it's something you haven't talked about before. I don't think this would fit for if you meant that you felt sexual or romantic attraction for a friend. You can share more about it if you feel like it.

 

8 hours ago, Absentminded said:

There's another concept called "novisexuality," which is having a complicated sexuality that you don't feel can be properly summed up by one label. It's also not well known, but if I call myself "novidemisexual" or "novisexual similar to demisexual," then I would simultaneously be able to convey that I am similar to a demisexual person, but am not completely summed up by that category.

I think it's a label if there's really a lot to it, and maybe it alone, but from what you said up to now it didn't sound undescribable with labels. But if you want to share what you felt was a lot or complicated to put in other labels feel free to share, I'm curious as well.

 

 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

10 hours ago, Absentminded said:

It took me over half a year to start finding that friend physically attractive, but I still am a little confused. The way I understand it, people want sex because they like two things: a person's body and/or a person's personality. An allosexual person usually requires both to want to have sex with someone, and if they do only need one, it's usually the physical attraction. A demisexual person, on the other hand, needs to like a person's personality no matter what, will never experience sexual attraction without knowing someone well, and may need to like a person's body, but that will only manifest itself after they know the other person well because they won't feel attraction before that,

Unlike demisexual people, I can feel attracted to people I don't know well, but it's always more sensual than sexual. However, unlike allosexual people, I don't need to like someone's body to feel sexually attracted to them. Really, so long as they're the gender I'm into and don't have anything that seriously grosses me out going on, I can physically like someone based only on their personality, even if their body isn't what I would normally be into. Also, unlike allosexual people, I stop finding people's bodies attractive if I don't like their personalities, even if they'd normally be attractive to me.

 

I guess the only real difference between myself and a demisexual person is that I can be attracted to people I don't know well.

I thought to talk a little more about this part since I didn't get to it last night.

And to answer what you said afterward, yes it's just about sexual attraction. I'm someone sensual so I can be sensually attracted and I don't consider it part of the sexual label.

The thing is with what you said, lots of people could fall for a friend, so one instance of coming to like and feel something sexual for someone is normal enough, it's more if that's the only way someone could feel sexual attraction. It's normal as well to like someone sexually or romantically because of their personality only, even if physical y attraction is typical, it's not the only way to come to feel attraction. Demisexuality is for if it does take a long time or a strong bond to feel it. If you think that's the case for you then yeah demisexuality could make a lot of sense.

 

I consider myself Sensual, Biromantic, and Graysexual. 3 labels that I can use or not use, but they all define a different aspect of my orientation

[Absentminded]

Thanks, Sarah-Sylvia. For me, it's less about "identity," because I know who I like and don't like, and I'm okay with not fitting in anywhere perfectly. It's more about communication. If I don't say anything, people just assume that I don't do romance, even close friends and family assume this. If I say I'm heterosexual (which I am, but not in the normal way), people expect me to act a certain way that makes me uncomfortable. For instance, I don't see my dad often, so he assumes I'm just a normal heterosexual, and he says stuff that makes me feel weird (not the good kind of weird, either). But if a long string of prefixes is also confusing, then it doesn't really help with communication, either.

I just want a way to get people to know that I'm not entirely against romance, but sometimes topics like sex gross me out, and I often don't understand things that certain people bring up.

Maybe just keeping it simple would be better? If I go by "grey-heterosexual," then people would get the two most important messages: I like the opposite gender, and I'm not as comfortable with or into sex as most people, and have a few different requirements. Really, most people don't need to know more than that, and I can always explain it in more depth if I actually get in a relationship.

 

Thanks again for help.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

15 minutes ago, Absentminded said:

It's more about communication. If I don't say anything, people just assume that I don't do romance, even close friends and family assume this. If I say I'm heterosexual (which I am, but not in the normal way), people expect me to act a certain way that makes me uncomfortable. For instance, I don't see my dad often, so he assumes I'm just a normal heterosexual, and he says stuff that makes me feel weird (not the good kind of weird, either). But if a long string of prefixes is also confusing, then it doesn't really help with communication, either.

Yeah, I think it's good to just be able to talk about how we are in a simple way, most common people don't know about these labels. I said to people that I'm not really sexual for a while. Though I haven't had to bring it up in quite a while now though since hardly anyone I know talks about sex around me anyway. I could say probably that I'm not particularly interested in sex and more just romance to say that part. You could use a romantic label if you wanted too, like Hetero-romantic. Though by itself doesn't say a lot for the rest so you can use another for sexual orientation though it's always good to be able to talk on things in general.

 

15 minutes ago, Absentminded said:

Maybe just keeping it simple would be better? If I go by "grey-heterosexual," then people would get the two most important messages: I like the opposite gender, and I'm not as comfortable with or into sex as most people, and have a few different requirements. Really, most people don't need to know more than that, and I can always explain it in more depth if I actually get in a relationship.

Honestly that sounds fine.

 

And you can always adjust what you talk about as you see how things go.

[Absentminded]

Thanks, I think that's what I'm gonna do for now.

[Sabralovesscience]

On 10/28/2017 at 4:58 PM, vonmilla said:

Hey all! 

So my discovery of my sexuality started a few years ago and I settled pretty quickly on knowing that I was 1. bi/pansexual and 2. demisexual. I always felt happy with that and didn't feel the need to find any other labels. Most of my relationships have been long distance up until this point. We would meet in various places at an event (I travel a lot) and then go home and decide to stay together longer term. I'm currently in my first non-long distance relationship and it's coming to my attention that on top of being demisexual, there is something else there. Every few months I will go through phases of feeling sex-neutral and have no desire to have sex with my partner of one year. We are extremely close and when I'm not in those phases, we have an active sex life I feel extremely happy and fulfilled by. Upon noticing this, I realized I've gone through phases like this my whole life, where for a few weeks/months I would have no desire to masturbate, watch porn, or be with anyone sexually in any capacity whatsoever. Within these phases with my partner, I'm still extremely romantically attracted to her and feel fulfilled by that but she is definitely more sex-oriented than me during these  periods so it's feeling a little discouraging. 

 

Is there a term for this? Do any of you experience this too? 

Thank you!

I experience pretty much all of this too, have you had any responses to this?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

31 minutes ago, Sabralovesscience said:

I experience pretty much all of this too, have you had any responses to this?

They haven't been online since 2017 so not sure you'll get a reply from them ;p.

 

Let me read and see what it says though.

I think to a certain degree this can happen to people though someone could look into flux labels if they feel it's not normal enough in their eyes. With a lack of desire when it comes to self-pleasure, it could be ebbs and flow of libido too, which can go up and down sometimes. For me it did, especially depending on how I felt during different periods.

 

Feel free to share more from you though.

[HappilyEverafter]

Do any of you asexuals develop nervousness/anxiousness/panic when you develop sexual attraction for someone, if you develop sexual attraction for someone that is? I have no doubts/questions about my romantic side; I know I'm highly romantic, but for me, that's mostly, spending time together, sharing common interests and engaging in activities that interest both of us like going on romantic dates, trying new recipes, visiting new places, holding hands, being cozy, being there for each other for emotional support, and all that, nothing sexual. I used develop crushes often, easily, mostly for celebrities on movies and series, LoL, and I'm not doing that much these days simply because I don't get the time to be free or watch that many movies and series. Rarely real life crushes, and I know crushes aren't "falling in love", so it's short lived, and nothing weird or odd there. 

 

But when it comes to developing sexual attraction for someone of the opposite sex, it happens very, very rarely, like 0-3 times a year or something (no, I'm not kidding or making it up, it's really super rare for me), I develop some kind of strong discomfort, high heart rate and palpitation but not the kind I enjoy (like when I experience romantic attraction or develop crushes). It's a very weird feeling. Lasts for a few hours or overnight or for a few days. Even during this time, I don't want it to be full on sex (I have never wanted that with anyone ever). I just want to be more intimate with them than I usually would prefer with my romantic partners. It's a weird experience because I want that and not want that at the same time (and surely don't want it to be full on sex). 

 

I know asexuality itself is about feeling either no sexual attraction at all or feeling sexual attraction very rarely. But isn't this supposed to be something people enjoy? Do you all ever feel uncomfortable during such rare occasions? 

 

Today, I experienced such discomfort and it was like I panicking for a short while. I then distracted myself for hours and now I feel better. Now, it's just those thoughts on and off in my head, but when these thoughts combine with desire, it's sort of powerful in an uncomfortable way.

 

 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

1 hour ago, HappilyEverafter said:

Do any of you asexuals develop nervousness/anxiousness/panic when you develop sexual attraction for someone, if you develop sexual attraction for someone that is? I have no doubts/questions about my romantic side; I know I'm highly romantic, but for me, that's mostly, spending time together, sharing common interests and engaging in activities that interest both of us like going on romantic dates, trying new recipes, visiting new places, holding hands, being cozy, being there for each other for emotional support, and all that, nothing sexual. I used develop crushes often, easily, mostly for celebrities on movies and series, LoL, and I'm not doing that much these days simply because I don't get the time to be free or watch that many movies and series. Rarely real life crushes, and I know crushes aren't "falling in love", so it's short lived, and nothing weird or odd there. 

 

But when it comes to developing sexual attraction for someone of the opposite sex, it happens very, very rarely, like 0-3 times a year or something (no, I'm not kidding or making it up, it's really super rare for me), I develop some kind of strong discomfort, high heart rate and palpitation but not the kind I enjoy (like when I experience romantic attraction or develop crushes). It's a very weird feeling. Lasts for a few hours or overnight or for a few days. Even during this time, I don't want it to be full on sex (I have never wanted that with anyone ever). I just want to be more intimate with them than I usually would prefer with my romantic partners. It's a weird experience because I want that and not want that at the same time (and surely don't want it to be full on sex). 

 

I know asexuality itself is about feeling either no sexual attraction at all or feeling sexual attraction very rarely. But isn't this supposed to be something people enjoy? Do you all ever feel uncomfortable during such rare occasions? 

 

Today, I experienced such discomfort and it was like I panicking for a short while. I then distracted myself for hours and now I feel better. Now, it's just those thoughts on and off in my head, but when these thoughts combine with desire, it's sort of powerful in an uncomfortable way.

 

 

I don't think ti's normal for someone sexual, but maybe because it's so rare you don't really know what to make of it? Or why is it that you think you get nervous about?

[Olallieberry]

I don't think it's uncommon at all among sexual people who aren't very experienced or confident.

 

I don't know if you relate to any of these, but:

 

It's common for someone to feel anxious because of fear of rejection, and sexual intimacy can magnify that fear when it was fine during "only romantic" low-stakes situations.

 

It's common for someone to feel anxious when the stakes are high, like if they have an overblown feeling of how important and massive a relationship with the crush person would be if they got together. Again, sexual energy multiplies this a lot, over non-sexual level of interest or opportunity.

 

It's common for people to feel anxious over not knowing what to do, if they're not very sexually experienced.

 

It's common for people to feel anxious about how they'll be perceived without their clothes on and exposed emotionally and physically.

[HappilyEverafter]

4 hours ago, Ollie415 said:

I don't think it's uncommon at all among sexual people who aren't very experienced or confident.

 

I don't know if you relate to any of these, but:

 

It's common for someone to feel anxious because of fear of rejection, and sexual intimacy can magnify that fear when it was fine during "only romantic" low-stakes situations.

 

It's common for someone to feel anxious when the stakes are high, like if they have an overblown feeling of how important and massive a relationship with the crush person would be if they got together. Again, sexual energy multiplies this a lot, over non-sexual level of interest or opportunity.

 

It's common for people to feel anxious over not knowing what to do, if they're not very sexually experienced.

 

It's common for people to feel anxious about how they'll be perceived without their clothes on and exposed emotionally and physically.

While all the points you stated seem to be logical and valid ones, I can't relate to any of those. 

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

[HappilyEverafter]

5 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I don't think ti's normal for someone sexual, but maybe because it's so rare you don't really know what to make of it? Or why is it that you think you get nervous about?

I honestly couldn't figure out. 😕

[Sarah-Sylvia]

5 minutes ago, HappilyEverafter said:

I honestly couldn't figure out. 😕

I hope over time it makes more sense to you. I wonder if maybe there's somet negative feelings around sex itself? Or does it feel like it's more in the anticipation of sex and maybe not knowing how it'll go, or things like that?

It's ok if you don't know, just tryingt o put some ideas that might connect.

[HappilyEverafter]

9 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I hope over time it makes more sense to you. I wonder if maybe there's somet negative feelings around sex itself? Or does it feel like it's more in the anticipation of sex and maybe not knowing how it'll go, or things like that?

It's ok if you don't know, just tryingt o put some ideas that might connect.

Maybe, for most of the time, it's just lack of interest or repulsion by sex, but in those very rare occasions, it's a mix of mostly repulsion and a small percentage of interest. I don't know. Is that what graysexuality is like? Again, I don't know. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

2 minutes ago, HappilyEverafter said:

Maybe, for most of the time, it's just lack of interest or repulsion by sex, but in those very rare occasions, it's a mix of mostly repulsion and a small percentage of interest. Idon't know. Is that what graysexuality is like? Again, I don't know. 

Those are more attitudes around sex, though sex repulsion is more common in someone on the ace spectrum.

I guess it could be that the contrast between your lack of sexuality and that you're experiencing attraction might be disconcerting to you ?

[HappilyEverafter]

7 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Those are more attitudes around sex, though sex repulsion is more common in someone on the ace spectrum.

I guess it could be that the contrast between your lack of sexuality and that you're experiencing attraction might be disconcerting to you ?

I think not ever going through intercourse is my comfort zone, so this occasional interest threatens my comfort zone, so I feel repelled and want to get out of that state ASAP even if it can give you pleasures that come with arousal for brief periods, afraid that if I entertain this, I'll end up having intercourse, which like I said, I don't want. Guess that's it. 

 

On the other hand, romantic attraction is totally within my comfort zone. It never makes me feel uncomfortable, so I can enjoy romantic activities and therefore enjoy such ideas without any worry or concern. 

[Olallieberry]

Yeah, I wonder if it's like someone who would never, ever bungee-jump or skydive, who is nevertheless involuntarily fascinated by looking over high edges and imagining doing so.

 

Intrusive thoughts take weird forms.

 

How about someone who would never, ever fire-walk but stares into the coals of a campfire and finds themselves imagining it.

 

Or someone who would never, ever go swimming because they don't know how, are afraid of the water, and have no intention of bothering to learn to swim, finding theirself kind of morbidly staring into the water over the bulwarks of a ferry boat.

 

I myself have a regularly-occurring intrusive thought which is extremely distasteful, I'm not even going to share it because it's unnecessary. But it's the sort of thing which I and most people regard as socially objectionable and morally wrong, but I can't help that this thought pops into my head. I don't know if it's a Tourette's-like tic on a strictly mental level or what. The point is, I don't need to explain  and I know that it's not me, it's not really part of my worldview or what I believe or anything I would ever act on. But this ugly thought comes frequently anyway and I just ignore it and it's gone till next time.

 

It's not me.

 

It doesn't have to mean anything.

 

At one level, I can say "I can't help what I think, what thoughts intrude in my mind." And for me that's good enough.

 

But there is another level at which it might not be enough. If it were so frequent, penetrating, persistent, confusing or disturbing that it was affecting my quality of life or self-esteem, or if somehow I thought there's a reason this is happening and I have to address whatever that reason is, then I know that there are specific, effective techniques (let's call them therapies, why not) which I could practice which would indeed result in controlling this thought, reducing its intensity and impact, and maybe even eradicating it for good. If I had a real need, that would be a good reason to pursue this, but I can handle living with it, knowing that it doesn't control me or mean I'm a bad person who actually thinks this sort of ugly thing.

[HappilyEverafter]

16 hours ago, Ollie415 said:

Yeah, I wonder if it's like someone who would never, ever bungee-jump or skydive, who is nevertheless involuntarily fascinated by looking over high edges and imagining doing so.

 

Intrusive thoughts take weird forms.

 

How about someone who would never, ever fire-walk but stares into the coals of a campfire and finds themselves imagining it.

 

Or someone who would never, ever go swimming because they don't know how, are afraid of the water, and have no intention of bothering to learn to swim, finding theirself kind of morbidly staring into the water over the bulwarks of a ferry boat.

 

I myself have a regularly-occurring intrusive thought which is extremely distasteful, I'm not even going to share it because it's unnecessary. But it's the sort of thing which I and most people regard as socially objectionable and morally wrong, but I can't help that this thought pops into my head. I don't know if it's a Tourette's-like tic on a strictly mental level or what. The point is, I don't need to explain  and I know that it's not me, it's not really part of my worldview or what I believe or anything I would ever act on. But this ugly thought comes frequently anyway and I just ignore it and it's gone till next time.

 

It's not me.

 

It doesn't have to mean anything.

 

At one level, I can say "I can't help what I think, what thoughts intrude in my mind." And for me that's good enough.

 

But there is another level at which it might not be enough. If it were so frequent, penetrating, persistent, confusing or disturbing that it was affecting my quality of life or self-esteem, or if somehow I thought there's a reason this is happening and I have to address whatever that reason is, then I know that there are specific, effective techniques (let's call them therapies, why not) which I could practice which would indeed result in controlling this thought, reducing its intensity and impact, and maybe even eradicating it for good. If I had a real need, that would be a good reason to pursue this, but I can handle living with it, knowing that it doesn't control me or mean I'm a bad person who actually thinks this sort of ugly thing.

I get where you're coming from. I guess this is how I can describe it for now: I absolutely enjoy it as far as it's merely romantic attraction and nothing more. During those rare occasions when it goes beyond romantic attraction, I want it to end at sensual pleasures. I don't want anything more. Since you can't clearly draw the lines between romantic, sensual, and sexual, I think I start feeling uncomfortable when it moves from sensual to sexual, which I don't want with anyone. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

15 minutes ago, HappilyEverafter said:

I get where you're coming from. I guess this is how I can describe it for now: I absolutely enjoy it as far as it's merely romantic attraction and nothing more. During those rare occasions when it goes beyond romantic attraction, I want it to end at sensual pleasures. I don't want anything more. Since you can't clearly draw the lines between romantic, sensual, and sexual, I think I start feeling uncomfortable when it moves from sensual to sexual, which I don't want with anyone. 

That's easy to relate to, I'm sensual but not sexual. Though I don't see attraction as mattering compared to just.. knowing what you want and don't want.

[John Cowan]

I quite see that plenty of demisexual people have a limited interest in sex, and so are acespec, but I don't see why being acespec is part of the definition of demisexuality.  I am 64, and I've known I was male since early childhood (and genetically) and bi since age 16 (the term "demisexual" didn't exist then).

 

Now it is absolutely true that I am only sexually/romantically interested in people I am emotionally bonded with, but that sexual attraction, once it develops, is intense.  Thinking of myself as anything related to "a gray area between sexual/romantic and ace/aro" doesn't seem to fit me.  After all, we don't suppose that lesbians (say) are acespec by definition because they are only interested in people who are female!  Can anyone help me to understand this?

 

Also, I have always wondered if there is a connection between demi-ness and  prosopagnosia (face blindness) and/or hyposmia (partial smell blindness)?  I have had both of these conditions all my life.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

3 minutes ago, John Cowan said:

I quite see that plenty of demisexual people have a limited interest in sex, and so are acespec, but I don't see why being acespec is part of the definition of demisexuality.  I am 64, and I've known I was male since early childhood (and genetically) and bi since age 16 (the term "demisexual" didn't exist then).

 

Now it is absolutely true that I am only sexually/romantically interested in people I am emotionally bonded with, but that sexual attraction, once it develops, is intense.  Thinking of myself as anything related to "a gray area between sexual/romantic and ace/aro" doesn't seem to fit me.  After all, we don't suppose that lesbians (say) are acespec by definition because they are only interested in people who are female!  Can anyone help me to understand this?

 

Also, I have always wondered if there is a connection between demi-ness and  prosopagnosia (face blindness) and/or hyposmia (partial smell blindness)?  I have had both of these conditions all my life.

Hi.

I personally think of demisexual as having one foot in both worlds, because like you say for some it can be still strong sexuality once they do experience it, but relate to asexuality when that relationship isn't there. So there's lots that someone demisexual can understand in asexuality, as well as being sexual. You don't have to focus on the asexual part and if youve found someone then the label isn't as useful as when single and someone wonders about your sexuality. Demisexual people tend to have a difficult time dating because they don't know if they'll be sexually attracted to them until there's a strong bond, or not even then for some, since it can take months or even years before sexual attraction comes around.  (depending on how it is for each person)

 

I don't think there's a big relation with those conditions (like face blindness), but it's interesting to think about, because there coudl be a small one. But appearance isn't everything, and personality and other internal traits can be as important or more for someone.

[Olallieberry]

1 hour ago, John Cowan said:

I don't see why being acespec is part of the definition of demisexuality. 

I'm not convinced a person couldn't identify as demi but not as ace.

[Dawai]

Hi there. I've been a long-time lurker who discovered this website during the pandemic, and it really got me thinking that I'm likely a gray sexual.  But thought I'd explain my own situation to perhaps get some insight from folks here. I'll be giving some intimate details about myself to help (and also to kind of crystallize things in my own mind) so just a heads up on that. And sorry if it's a bit too much sharing.

 

I'm a 44 y/o hetero male. And I've only ever had sex with two people in my life. Once, when I was in my late 20s. And several times with one person in my late 30s in a short 3-4 month relationship. And it both cases, I found sex with the person very meh - something that I wasn't really thrilled to do and the other person wanted and pushed for. 

 

Frankly, I wanted more time to just get to know the second person and not do anything sexual, preferably not just weeks but ideally maybe months, but she was way more sexual than I was. What I loved the most (and remember most fondly) was the holding hands, cuddling, being physically close and intimate with the person. And I do like some foreplay like kissing - and that would eventually arouse me. But once we moved beyond foreplay, I have always been much less inclined and would quickly lose interest, especially with intercourse, BJ, etc. I'd rather do things sexually for my partner not involving my genitals, frankly.

 

Outside of those two instances, I've went on dates, but never really connected with folks. And I never really related when my friends talk about sex, missing it, etc. I would sometimes emulate how they talked about it, to not stick out, especially when I was younger. But it generally was forced. I also never really fantasized about it. I've had interest in or I guess "crushes" for a couple of people over the decades - but in most cases, they never led to sex. And even when that interest was at its strongest with someone (in my view, she was someone who I might have loved, in some fashion), I never fantasized about sex or doing anything sexual with them.  

 

I do have a libido, and I do masturbate semi-regularly, though less in my 40s than 20s. But it's more like a chore, where I feel some pressure and I'm relieving it. I enjoy it once I'm in the middle of it, but once it's done, I don't think about it at all. I also find sex and intercourse in porn, movies, tv, etc. absolutely meh, and a bit of a turn-off to be honest.

 

I should note that I can still understand when folks say this or that person is hot, e.g., physically attractive. But, to go back to the cake analogy, it's a bit like me saying - I can recognize that this cake looks delicious, smells delicious, etc. But unlike my friends, I just don't really feel much appetite to eat it. And I suppose it's that hunger that I do feel like allosexuals have more often or more easily. I very rarely have it and it feels like it'll take me a lot of time of knowing someone to even develop a little hunger. Without that kind of basic appetite, it seems like a real bother to try to get some cake. And, at least compared to some of my friends who complain about not having cake in a a few months or a year, I'm totally fine for not eating cake for more than a decade or so. 

 

As an aside, I always thought the term "gray" to be a perfect label - as it seems to denote how I see certain muted shades to sexuality, when I feel like allosexuals see things in more vibrant colour. I can see someone being physically hot, e.g., muted shades, just not appetizing hot, e.g., colour Somedays, I find a bit more colour when I look at someone, often over a period of time, which can generate some more interest. But it's rare. 

 

Anyways, that's a snapshot in my own experience. I'd love to get some insight from folks in the community about it, and hope it might prove helpful to those exploring their own identity/sexuality. As someone who is 44, it shows that you're never too old to explore things. Interestingly, I even questioned if I might've been asexual in my 20-30s, but was either too scared to look it up or thought since I found some girls physically attractive, then I couldn't be asexual, so that was a dead end. So finding this forum a couple years ago has really opened my eyes that it's a spectrum and I might just be somewhere along that spectrum. That's given me some peace of mind that I didn't know I needed.