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Questions about Gray-Sexuality


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30 minutes ago, Artemis42 said:

Of course, no one can decide what you are, but this sounds sexual to me. No one is going to be attracted to every person  of the gender they like, and libido varies accross everyone of every sexuality. And sexual people care about people’s personalities too, and their chemistry and compatibility can often impact their attraction to people.
It could depend on how often this happens though, since greysexuality is often defined as rarely experiencing sexual attraction. If these experiences are few and far between this could be greysexuality, but if they’re more frequent and normal for you, possibly not.
I think a good question to ask yourself to gage if you’re ace-spec is: how would you feel if you never had sex for the rest of your life? And would you feel like something was missing if your romantic relationships didn’t involve sex? These things can be complicated but I hope this helps.

:) 

Well the frequency of sexual urge depends on how often I meet a person I am attracted too.

 

I don't feel scared of having no sex in my life, I hardly masturbate or think about sex but if I am physically, emotionally and romantically attracted to a guy, I feel high sexual arousal. I would feel my life is a punishment if I could not express my appreciation, passion and love sexually. 

 

Some times people think I'm not sexual, due to generally having a low sexual drive and low sexual arousal but at the same time i feel a high sexual drive and high sexual arousal if I'm physically, emotionally and romantically attracted to a man.

 

Do you really think I'm sexual according to what I'm saying?

 

I can only state what I experience  but not sure where I fit in exactly.

 

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Sarah-Sylvia
1 hour ago, Tee_34 said:

I'm so confused, I have a feeling I may be graysexual, I would be comfortable if I am but I'm not 100% sure if I am graysexual.

 

I am hetrosexual female, I do get aroused by sexual thoughts or when I am physically attracted to a man. However, I do not get attracted to every man and my drive to find a man or to have sex with another or masturbate is low but when I am physically attracted to a man, I can feel high sexual arousal and would act on my thoughts, ofcourse if he allows me lol. 

 

I am still confused because sometimes physical attraction is not enough, an overview of the persons personality is important for me, I know I'm not Demisexual because I don't need to know the person for a long period of time, an overview of the persons personality by chatting to them for few days maintains my desire of interest, takes a week to feel some sort of attachment or bond ie romantic,  friendship, sexual etc.

 

What am I?

 

Am I just standard sexual/allosexual? Or Am I Graysexual?

 

 

Sounds pretty normal for someone sexual who isn't only visual. Hope you can be ok with how you are and make it work best.

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47 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Sounds pretty normal for someone sexual who isn't only visual. Hope you can be ok with how you are and make it work best.

Thank you Sarah-Sylvia, I am very comfortable with what I feel. Was just annoyed being confused where I fit in because too many sexual people I come across label me as not sexual, so it is important for me to know what I am.

 

According to you and Artemis42 I am sexual, I just needed this confirmation to know what I am.

Edited by Tee_34
To add missing words
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Sarah-Sylvia
Just now, Tee_34 said:

Thank you Sarah-Sylvia, I am very comfortable with what I feel. Was just annoyed being confused where i fit in because to many sexual people i come across as not sexual, so it is important for me to know what i am.

 

According to you and Artemis42 I am sexual, I just needed this confirmation to know what I am.

That's what it sounded from what you said. Though we're all unique and there may be things we don't know. But the most important is to be yourself. :)
Feel free to explore and post if or whenever you're wondering about other things or just want to talk with people on the site

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52 minutes ago, Tee_34 said:

Well the frequency of sexual urge depends on how often I meet a person I am attracted too.

 

I don't feel scared of having no sex in my life, I hardly masturbate or think about sex but if I am physically, emotionally and romantically attracted to a guy, I feel high sexual arousal. I would feel my life is a punishment if I could not express my appreciation, passion and love sexually. 

 

Some times people think I'm not sexual, due to generally having a low sexual drive and low sexual arousal but at the same time i feel a high sexual drive and high sexual arousal if I'm physically, emotionally and romantically attracted to a man.

 

Do you really think I'm sexual according to what I'm saying?

 

I can only state what I experience  but not sure where I fit in exactly.

 

Looks like Sarah-Sylvia helped you out, but yeah, sexuality is a super individual thing and no two sexual or asexual people will be exactly the same. But what you’ve said doesn’t sound very ace to me personally. 
I’m glad you’re comfortable with what you feel. People can have a narrow idea of sexuality which can make things confusing for even some sexual people, but just keep being you.

:)

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45 minutes ago, Artemis42 said:

Looks like Sarah-Sylvia helped you out, but yeah, sexuality is a super individual thing and no two sexual or asexual people will be exactly the same. But what you’ve said doesn’t sound very ace to me personally. 
I’m glad you’re comfortable with what you feel. People can have a narrow idea of sexuality which can make things confusing for even some sexual people, but just keep being you.

:)

I think you both have helped and I am thankful 😊.

 

I agree even if people belong to same sexual orientation, everyone is unique.

 

I also agree most people have narrow view of sexuality and most people like to identify themself generally as high sexual drive and high arousal, if others don't fit into that category or have a slight difference they are made to feel abnormal or not good enough.

 

I'm so glad you guys are here to chat with me.

 

I personally believe in diversity and uniqueness, as it makes life and relationships interesting.

 

I also believe in respect and adaptation, as it allows people to be comfortable and happy in both short-term and long-term relationships.

Edited by Tee_34
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Eldritchbug

edit; i figured it out i guess?

Edited by Eldritchbug
self-consciousness????
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sadkittybitch

Hi there,

 

Sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, I am new to the forum and wasn’t too sure even after reading guidelines.

 

CW: Sexual Trauma

 

I wanted to ask if there are links to asexuality and experiencing sexual trauma?

I have considered that I might be asexual before, but last year I experienced some sexual trauma that I’ve been unpacking with my therapist. 
 

Since this trauma I have been feeling I may fall into the asexual spectrum under graysexual or fraysexual (still new and unsure), but wanted to know if I can still be considered a valid member of the asexual community if it is a result of trauma? Can trauma cause these sort of responses?

 

I recently started dating someone I liked a lot but I felt absolutely no desire to sexually interact, or even kiss. I blamed the trauma recovery at first, then thought mebe I’m just not attracted to them in that way BUT the feeling was familiar, I have felt that way throughout my life with partners just no interest in being sexual with them once we get to know eachother, or at all. 
 

Hope this makes sense- just looking for some general advice on any of the above, ty xxx

 

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Sarah-Sylvia

@sadkittybitchHi. Welcome to the site.
You could also create a new thread for that if you wanted to, since this one doesn't get a lot of traffic, but I'll give you my thoughts.

Asexuality is considered an orientation, and not psychological issues that lead to feeling differently about sex, though the reality is that we do have a good amount of members who have traumas, issues, or repulsion that amounts to effectively being on the asexual spectrum. Some want to work on their issues, but some accept that they may not feel normally about sex and that it essentially changes their sexuality, even if they're not strictly asexual, or don't know if they are because of the issues.

You would benefit from the movement and the site just like any of them.


That said, since you think you might've felt this way your whole life, I don't see anything wrong with you using the asexual label if that's something you'd like to do, if you feel it defines how you are. It's really up to you what you share about yourself with others, how you like to explain how you are when you meet someone or get closer to them.

Hope it works out for you ;)

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sadkittybitch
9 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

@sadkittybitchHi. Welcome to the site.
You could also create a new thread for that if you wanted to, since this one doesn't get a lot of traffic, but I'll give you my thoughts.

Asexuality is considered an orientation, and not psychological issues that lead to feeling differently about sex, though the reality is that we do have a good amount of members who have traumas, issues, or repulsion that amounts to effectively being on the asexual spectrum. Some want to work on their issues, but some accept that they may not feel normally about sex and that it essentially changes their sexuality, even if they're not strictly asexual, or don't know if they are because of the issues.

You would benefit from the movement and the site just like any of them.


That said, since you think you might've felt this way your whole life, I don't see anything wrong with you using the asexual label if that's something you'd like to do, if you feel it defines how you are. It's really up to you what you share about yourself with others, how you like to explain how you are when you meet someone or get closer to them.

Hope it works out for you ;)

Hihi, 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. Maybe I will see if people respond/resonate and make a thread for this topic, ty for the suggestion. 
 

After reading your response and having a think I’m wondering if I have potentially been graysexual/fraysexual before but conditioned to enjoy and want mens validation so suppressed it.

Then the trauma changed my outlook on men, sexuality and society and maybe made it much easier to accept this might be who I am? 


Thank you for your kind words explaining how it is up to me what I disclose with people. I think I’m more exploring asexuality to be able to put my finger on how I’m feeling and be able to explain it to myself and feel some form of normality towards my feelings, if that makes sense? 
 

Thank you again x

 

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Hello. During the pandemic and quarantine I’ve had a lot of time to question my sexuality and I finally realized that I don’t feel sexually attracted to other people, sure I find them aesthetically attractive but I’ve never wanted to have sex with someone, even the thought of kissing someone is kind of repulsive to me but I’m still struggling to define if I fit into asexual or gray-a. One micro label I think I really fit into (or fits me?)  is aegoasexual but I don’t know if it’s under asexuality or gray asexuality because I’ve seen people using both terms. I still have a lot of questions, can I be a gray-a aegoasexual bi-romantic/sexual? It’s confusing but I feel relieved to finally understand why I’ve never had any interest in sex and intimacy with other people even though I’ve had a lot of crushes.

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Hi so I'm a bit of a noob when it come to forums so I thought I'd write here and see if I get any advice 

 

Okay so I've been trying to work out where I sit on the asexual spectrum since I had a discussion with a friend that led to me questioning my sexuality 

I've always just said that im bisexual and I do find both men and women attractive at times the strange thing I guess for me and what has me lost is I can be completely disinterested have no desire to have sex or have no attraction to people it's like I just don't see it or get it ( this is where my friend suggested I may be asexual) I can go months without and honestly when im like that I would not care if I never had sex again in my life but then after months of no interest I will randomly have the attraction and desire too it only lasts a week or so longest was a month then I was back to nothing for over a year until the next almost like a switch

I've always struggled with intimacy in relationships I've had a few partners say im hot and cold and when im cold im also distant (distant because it's not just sex that I turn from its any form of physical intimacy)

I've had multiple issue and looking back it does make sense I've been in relationship where my boyfriend has not been understanding and has pressured me into sex when I did not want too which has led to me having a unhealthy thought process in a relationship 

I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense I don't have anywhere to turn 

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Sarah-Sylvia
1 hour ago, Papergully said:

Hi so I'm a bit of a noob when it come to forums so I thought I'd write here and see if I get any advice 

 

Okay so I've been trying to work out where I sit on the asexual spectrum since I had a discussion with a friend that led to me questioning my sexuality 

I've always just said that im bisexual and I do find both men and women attractive at times the strange thing I guess for me and what has me lost is I can be completely disinterested have no desire to have sex or have no attraction to people it's like I just don't see it or get it ( this is where my friend suggested I may be asexual) I can go months without and honestly when im like that I would not care if I never had sex again in my life but then after months of no interest I will randomly have the attraction and desire too it only lasts a week or so longest was a month then I was back to nothing for over a year until the next almost like a switch

I've always struggled with intimacy in relationships I've had a few partners say im hot and cold and when im cold im also distant (distant because it's not just sex that I turn from its any form of physical intimacy)

I've had multiple issue and looking back it does make sense I've been in relationship where my boyfriend has not been understanding and has pressured me into sex when I did not want too which has led to me having a unhealthy thought process in a relationship 

I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense I don't have anywhere to turn 

What you talked about could potentially fit in graysexuality ;)

It could be that you're a complex person too.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Shakespeareswife

Hi,

 

I'm 22. Pretty much since I started college I've wanted to have a sexual relationship, but any time I got remotely close to the circumstance I got really anxious and shut it down quick. It never really occurred to me that it might be okay to be a virgin by choice. It seems like it's part of everyone's 'adult card' right? I just thought I wasn't ready. I was sure when I eventually had sex, my sex drive would pick up and I'd be 'normal.' But I'm starting to get disheartened. I don't really need to have sex. I've never enjoyed kissing. Cuddling isn't something I get much satisfaction from, maybe with the right person. But almost nobody I've met has even come close to feeling like the right person because I'm not attracted that way to pretty much anyone. Like, once a year maybe. 

 

That being said, I definitely have libido. I've been getting really into kink and have found a wealth of ideas and concepts that turn me on in that world and I fantasize about them regularly and often take care of my libido that way. But in practice another person has never turned me on. Like at all. I imagine it, and it sounds nice, and maybe I might engage in those fantasies someday. But it would have to be in that kink context and heavily controlled on my end because so much of sexual intimacy just makes me uncomfortable. I'm basically reaching a place where I'm wondering if it isn't just that I'm not ready. It isn't that I haven't found the right person or that my aversion is the result of my own walls and mental insecurities. I'm so tired of trying to be like everyone else. I don't know what I'm asking for, validation, a label? I don't know. I think I'm probably not aromantic, but I've stayed away from relationships because the sex part has scared me so much. It almost feels like choosing to identify as asexual is giving up on being a 'normal' person, though I know that's not a good word to use for it. I don't mean any offense with that, I'm just worried this means something is wrong with me. I'm scared of what people will think if I never have sex and end up a 40 year old virgin like they shun on television. I'm just really confused. I'd love guidance. 

 

Edited by Shakespeareswife
Version 2 is more accurate I think?
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FlyingBiSolo

Hi all,

I have identified myself as asexual for most of my life, although I have had sexual experiences and some of which were actually enjoyable. I was also in a relationship for years with no sexual attraction, but sex still happened and boom now I have a kid. About 5 years back I actually started trying to figure out my deal by exploring sexually. Mostly what I learned is I am not sexually attracted to anyone, but that while drinking alcohol I pretty much have no problem acting on instinct or perhaps it’s more following cues... I have now been sexually sober for 4 years, and I don’t feel like I am missing anything on that end but I have been wondering about my romantic desires and how that would play a role in my future. I basically avoid any intimate interactions with people for fear that they may want to have sex and I just don’t want to go down the rabbit hole of being in that relationship where I feel like I’m going through motions for the other person.. I guess firstly I feel like I’m not a good asexual because I literally will give in and have sex if it’s initiated by someone else(to clarify, there has to be something else that peaks my interest). Secondly, I wanna hear someone say they have been in a romantic relationship that was understanding of the lack of sexual intimacy but it still thrives.. I don’t know if I have made any sense. Lastly, the reason I have been questioning lately my romantic orientation is because I have been crushing on a girl pretty hard and I think she is interested but I won’t even go there because it seems too complicated so we are basically friends who have a really strong vibe between us

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@FlyingBiSolodon't worry, there is no such thing as "good" or "bad" ace. People are what they are, noone can doubt it and/or demand proof. And labels are just labels, even if someone doesn't fall completely into the definition of said type of people, it's still where they feel they belong to, and it should be respected.

Could you please tell a bit more about the romantic orientation part, if it's okay/comfortable for you to talk about it?

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Sarah-Sylvia

It's good to find a partner who matches with how you are, or that respects you and how much you can tolerate sex. Can be better to find someone on the asexual spectrum if someone wants no sex in the relationship. Harder to find, but probably worth it.

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FlyingBiSolo

@AnnaPanni the romantic orientation I am still figuring out.. I definitely have more of an affinity to females, but technically I have only ever been in a single relationship with a male. So I guess I consider myself biromantic leaning more towards the homoromantic side, maybe demi.. who knows

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10 hours ago, FlyingBiSolo said:

the romantic orientation I am still figuring out.. I definitely have more of an affinity to females, but technically I have only ever been in a single relationship with a male. So I guess I consider myself biromantic leaning more towards the homoromantic side, maybe demi.. who knows

I'm sending you some 🤗, and I hope you will find someone, like what @Sarah-Sylvia said. And don't worry, even if you have no labels to put on yourself you are  valid and whole person.

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  • 2 weeks later...
03.09.2017 в 05:40 Пак сказал:

Есть общие вопросы о серой сексуальности? Опубликуйте их здесь, чтобы получить ответы и обсуждения от серо-сексуального сообщества!

Все на усмотрение и субъективное ощущение

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On 01.11.2017 at 17:27, roland.o said:

Привет и добро пожаловать на форумы AVEN, MadeIndescribable! Есть торт ... :кекс:🙂

Надеюсь, вы найдете ответы на свои вопросы. Удачи и приятного вам времяпрепровождения здесь!

Everything is at your discretion and subjective feeling

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I heard about asexuality when I found out that a streamer I follow is actually asexual, and I had to look it up to see what it was, and the idea of it resonated with me. I'm currently questioning whether I'm graysexual or asexual or demisexual or whatever, and it's just very confusing.  There are so many categories and exceptions and I'm just a little lost. I am straight, and I can appreciate when someone is attractive, and I could see myself in a relationship with someone, but if I begin to imagine anything sexual, it just puts me off. I do think that I would be okay about thinking about sex if it's with someone I know, but even then it's very weird. I don't know if these feeling can be pinpointed to a certain type of sexuality, but it's worth giving a try at least. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

So....Covid brought me here. I'm a 32 year old female, never been in a relationship or had sex or kissed anyone. I'm not even sure if I've been on dates because I absolutely suck at non-verbal communication (on multiple occasions other people have had to clue me in and say, um, that guy was flirting with you, didn't you notice?) and what I may have thought was just 'dinner with a friend' may have been a date in the other person's mind? Idk. 

I've always wondered what was wrong with me because I've never felt the need for any sort of relationship, sexual or romantic. I know I'm capable of feeling attraction and arousal. Ther are any number of celebs that I've found physically attractive (Rege-Jean Page being the latest!) I've even had transient romantic feelings for one or two guys in my life, but never intense enough to pursue a relationship with them. I fantasise sometimes and know what feels good to me, physically. But even so... none of it seems IMPORTANT. Like not at all. 

It never really bothered me until the last year of lockdown, because I'm a doctor, and I've always been too busy with my studies and career to have time to seek out relationships. But sometime last year, I was talking to my brother and he was REALLY depressed. And one of the major reasons, according to him, was the absence of romantic and sexual connection for a prolonged period because of Covid and social distancing. And I just couldn't understand why it upset him so much. I didn't feel any such need to seek out a partner. I never have.

Similarly, I was talking to a friend who met up with her ex-fiance months after their engagement ended, and she said she slept with him just because she was, in her own words, "so goddamn horny, I was about to explode. I have no intention of getting back with him. I just wanted SEX and he was easier than a stranger". I just couldn't understand what she was talking about. I still don't.

Even before lockdown, friends and family had tried several times to introduce me to potential partners or get me to sign up on dating sites, but I always refused because I just couldn't be bothered. I don't even masturbate more than a few times a year, because even orgasm is just...meh. Sex and companionship just aren't biological imperatives for me. 

The way I always explain it is, I see dating, relationships and sex like a trip to South America. It isn't really on my list of Places To Go. There's nothing WRONG with South America, I fully acknowledge that many people love it and objectively speaking it's probably lovely, it just happens to be a place I have no interest in. That said...if someone dropped free tickets to Peru into my lap, would I go? Yeah, probably, but more out of curiosity than anything else. I'd probably even enjoy it. But would I take the initiative to put in the time, effort and money to plan a trip there on my own? No. Never. I just don't want it enough to actively seek it out. And I definitely wouldn't move there permanently.

That's pretty much how I feel about love and sex. Would I say no if I happened to meet someone interesting enough? Probably not. Would I have sex with them? Yeah, if I found them attractive. But love and sex aren't driving, urgent needs the way they are with most people...when they talk about feeling like they'll lose their minds after months without, it feels completely alien to me. Hell, I've reached the age of 32 without them and honestly don't think about it other than to briefly wonder at times if there's something fundamentally wrong with my personality or appearance. I've been told it's neither, but also been told by more people than I can count that I seem 'intimidating', 'aloof', 'cold', 'detached', 'standoffish' and 'touch-me-not'.

I always wondered if I was asexual, but I wasn't completely uninterested in sex. I could probably enjoy it with a considerate partner, but I'd probably need to feel some level of emotional connection to them (which in itself would be a big ask for me, I rarely open up to people, and it's taken me years to get close to the small group of friends I have). I decided to explore it a bit more and came across Gray-Asexuality. And honestly, this seems like the closest fit for how I feel.

Was just wondering if that counts as graysexual? Not averse to sex, would most likely enjoy it in the right circumstances, but have never actively sought it out, don't feel any need or urgency for it and could really just take it or leave it?

 

 

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Sarah-Sylvia

Hi @JanyaS. Welcome to the site ;)

It sounds like there's a few things going on, since even people who are aromantic would still want to connect with friends and have some that are close. Not everyone needs as much social connection though, so you might be someone like that, who feels more independent. I think connecting with people can be great, but not needing it is not a bad thing, if you're happy in general.
You might be on the asexual and aromantic spectrum. And it sounds like you're sex-favorable, in that you'd be ok to have sex with someone. I think it's normal even for some sexual people to want to know someone first and have some kind of emotional bond before having sex, but that you feel that sex isn't important to you (and could probably be fine without it at all?) fits with how someone gray-ace could feel. And you might be gray-aro too in that sense, since you don't feel like you're missing out on a romantic relationship.

I'm graysexual so I can relate to how you feel for some things when it comes to sex, but I'm romantic and for me I have desire to be with someone, to be close with someone and love each other and share affection and intimacy from our bond. It's not like I can't endure being single, I've been single a lot in my life, but it can feel like I want it and something's missing sometimes.

Anyway, to share a few thoughts from me :)

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Hi @JanyaS and welcome! :cake:

 

I used to think I was sexual because I thought people were good looking, had a libido, and wasn't disgusted by sex as a subject. But when it came to me actively pursuing relationships, it was hard because I wasn't into romance. I also had depression and deep insecurities about my appearance. I figured these were the reasons I wasn't driven to having sex. I knew what made people good looking and I knew a bit about flirting, but it seemed so unnatural to me to do anything about it. 

 

I first joined AVEN after having some sense shaken into me over the course of a few years that desirability was not an issue. I thought I was in the grey area based on having aesthetic tastes in people and being intellectually interested in sexual relationships as a thing that exists out there in the world. But after spending a lot of time here, I've come to simply say I'm asexual, because whatever grasp I have of sexuality and appearances, I have no intrinsic motivation to pursue it myself. That's what it comes down to for me, and I no longer feel the need to use the "grey" prefix as a qualifier. 

 

Your interpretation of your feelings and experiences may certainly vary from mine, since this is a very subjective matter. To me it certainly sounds like you're in the general realm of asexuality. If you feel like a grey label describes you better, then that's up to you to use. Regarding being open to sex with someone if you bonded with them enough, that might be something you need to happen to you in order to know for sure. That is along the lines of demisexuality, but I find that it's harder for people to know if that fits them for sure until they're in that situation. You might find yourself in a position where logically your sexuality would open up to one specific person given how much you've bonded with them, but you might still not feel any sexual attraction to them in a way that drives you to engage in it. So, while it may happen to you that you do develop sexual attraction to a partner in the future, it's not guaranteed. Just be sure to acknowledge your feelings and respect yourself through this whole thing, whatever the outcome is. 

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On 5/13/2021 at 1:26 AM, Snao Cone said:

Hi @JanyaS and welcome! :cake:

 

I used to think I was sexual because I thought people were good looking, had a libido, and wasn't disgusted by sex as a subject. But when it came to me actively pursuing relationships, it was hard because I wasn't into romance. I also had depression and deep insecurities about my appearance. I figured these were the reasons I wasn't driven to having sex. I knew what made people good looking and I knew a bit about flirting, but it seemed so unnatural to me to do anything about it. 

 

I first joined AVEN after having some sense shaken into me over the course of a few years that desirability was not an issue. I thought I was in the grey area based on having aesthetic tastes in people and being intellectually interested in sexual relationships as a thing that exists out there in the world. But after spending a lot of time here, I've come to simply say I'm asexual, because whatever grasp I have of sexuality and appearances, I have no intrinsic motivation to pursue it myself. That's what it comes down to for me, and I no longer feel the need to use the "grey" prefix as a qualifier. 

 

Your interpretation of your feelings and experiences may certainly vary from mine, since this is a very subjective matter. To me it certainly sounds like you're in the general realm of asexuality. If you feel like a grey label describes you better, then that's up to you to use. Regarding being open to sex with someone if you bonded with them enough, that might be something you need to happen to you in order to know for sure. That is along the lines of demisexuality, but I find that it's harder for people to know if that fits them for sure until they're in that situation. You might find yourself in a position where logically your sexuality would open up to one specific person given how much you've bonded with them, but you might still not feel any sexual attraction to them in a way that drives you to engage in it. So, while it may happen to you that you do develop sexual attraction to a partner in the future, it's not guaranteed. Just be sure to acknowledge your feelings and respect yourself through this whole thing, whatever the outcome is. 

Hi! And thanks so much for your considerate and detailed reply. :) 

Your point about being insecure with your appearance is something I relate to as well. I've always struggled to maintain a stable weight, partly because of thyroid issues (though those are now fully controlled with meds) and just generally not being the slender body type that's generally considered attractive. I'm curvy but healthy (based on regular health checks) and have learned to make my peace with that. I've also always wondered whether I would be more interested in sex and romance if I was more confident in my body and got closer to my 'ideal weight'. But there have been periods where I've been very happy with my appearance, and I realized that it made no difference to my interest (or lack thereof) in sex or love or partnership - it remained the same 'eh, whatever' attitude. That was one of the things that made me consider the possibility of being on the asexual spectrum.

And yes, I probably won't know whether I'd actually enjoy partnered sex until I try it (which doesn't look to be happening any time soon, and I'm quite frankly fine with that). All I know for sure right now is that sex is not a clear-cut NO for me, but neither is it something I'm ever going to actively seek out.  Till then, I guess I'm happy to have figured out this much - I think I'm certainly on the asexual/aromantic spectrum,  possible gray-ace /gray-aro, TBD if and when I try sex and decide whether I like it or not, in practice as well as in theory!

Thanks again for your response! (Using the coffee emoji instead of cake because I've been known to proclaim loudly and often that coffee is my first, last and only love, and that I'd take a perfectly brewed mug fresh out of the moka pot over an orgasm, any day!)

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On 5/13/2021 at 1:22 AM, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hi @JanyaS. Welcome to the site ;)

It sounds like there's a few things going on, since even people who are aromantic would still want to connect with friends and have some that are close. Not everyone needs as much social connection though, so you might be someone like that, who feels more independent. I think connecting with people can be great, but not needing it is not a bad thing, if you're happy in general.
You might be on the asexual and aromantic spectrum. And it sounds like you're sex-favorable, in that you'd be ok to have sex with someone. I think it's normal even for some sexual people to want to know someone first and have some kind of emotional bond before having sex, but that you feel that sex isn't important to you (and could probably be fine without it at all?) fits with how someone gray-ace could feel. And you might be gray-aro too in that sense, since you don't feel like you're missing out on a romantic relationship.

I'm graysexual so I can relate to how you feel for some things when it comes to sex, but I'm romantic and for me I have desire to be with someone, to be close with someone and love each other and share affection and intimacy from our bond. It's not like I can't endure being single, I've been single a lot in my life, but it can feel like I want it and something's missing sometimes.

Anyway, to share a few thoughts from me :)

Hi! Thanks a ton for your considerate and detailed reply.

It's a relief to finally figure out that a) there are other people like me and b) there's nothing 'wrong' or 'weird' about any of us! I can't tell you the number of well-meaning (well, mostly!) comments I've received because of my views, which honestly just made me feel worse! These, btw, were mostly from men (of all ages) and middle-aged women. For instance:

- "Is she gay? She must be gay." (this all through college, and more behind my back than to my face, because I had no interest in flirting and formed very close and strong friendships with a small circle of female friends).

"You know what your problem is? You intimidate men. You need to give them a little encouragement!"

- "You're too picky. You need to compromise otherwise you'll never find anyone and you'll end up dying alone."

- " You need to put in more effort. You'll never find a guy if you don't put yourself out there more!"

-"Why do you dress like a librarian? Get rid of your turtlenecks and jeans and glasses. Wear a little makeup. You'd be really attractive if you changed things up a bit! "

- "Why are you so anti-social?"

- "How can you say you're happy alone? That's against nature!"

 

And so on and so forth. It got to the point where I had really begun to wonder whether there was something genuinely wrong with me and whether I should go to a therapist just to figure it out. But after I decided to educate myself further on the BTQIA components of LGBTQIA (since L and G are the components that people are most aware about, and the others tend to get a little lost in the mix), it was, as I said, a relief to realise that this was as legitimate a sexual identity as being straight, gay or anything else, and there was nothing intrinsically defective about me after all. I needed some clarifications, though, because of the reasons I listed earlier, and I'm really glad I found this forum to address them...it seems like a super-safe and open space.

Thanks again for helping me clear things up! 😊🌻

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On 2/24/2021 at 2:11 PM, Danali said:

Hi I am a cis woman who has always considered myself heterosexual. I have wondered sometimes if I am asexual but it doesn’t quite fit. I just learned about greysexuality and I think that might be me. 
I am a 29 year old virgin who has never been on a real date or been kissed. I have only felt mild attraction to anyone since starting high school. I have been clinically depressed and on medications since I was 16 which is what I have always attributed my not dating to. 
What really confuses me is that I like the idea of having sex in the abstract. I have a high, though fluctuating, libido and am attracted to porn and erotica. However, I’ve never met anyone I wanted to actually have sex WITH. Do you think this fits with greysexual?

Hi Danali, I'm a newcomer here so after posting my questions have been doing the standard newbie thing of scrolling through older posts to see if there's anyone who's feelings are similar to mine. A lot of what you said is similar to what I feel too. Aged 32, never dated/kissed/had sex, been vaguely attracted to one or two people but never enough to actually do anything about it, no objection to the concept of sex in theory, definitely able to feel arousal with visual stimuli, fantasizing and self-stimulation, but have never met anyone I wanted enough to  actually have sex with them.

I don't have any wisdom to offer at this stage, still too new to this and in the process of educating myself, but there seem to be some really helpful and insightful folks on this site for that. All I'll say is, I identify with everything you've said, and it made me a bit confused too, as to whether I was on the asexual  spectrum or not (turns out I am). You're not alone in feeling that way. Don't know if that helps you but thought I'd put it here just in case. :)

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confused---person

I am not exactly sure where to ask this cause I'm still new and learning about sexual attraction and things so sorry if something is wrong or bad, but is there a thing where you feel I guess sexual but never with another person? Like the idea of sex is unappealing to me, but I'll still like feel aroused and things, but never because of a specific person. And even when I'm aroused or whatever, I still don't want to have sex. However, if I had a romantic partner, the idea of bringing them sexual pleasure is appealing, but the idea of them bringing me sexual pleasure is weird. I don't really know how to describe it so sorry if none of this makes any sense.

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Sarah-Sylvia
19 minutes ago, confused---person said:

I am not exactly sure where to ask this cause I'm still new and learning about sexual attraction and things so sorry if something is wrong or bad, but is there a thing where you feel I guess sexual but never with another person? Like the idea of sex is unappealing to me, but I'll still like feel aroused and things, but never because of a specific person. And even when I'm aroused or whatever, I still don't want to have sex. However, if I had a romantic partner, the idea of bringing them sexual pleasure is appealing, but the idea of them bringing me sexual pleasure is weird. I don't really know how to describe it so sorry if none of this makes any sense.

Heyy. yeah we consider that sexual arousal :) Some asexuals can feel arousal but not drawn to have sex with someone. As for giving sexual pleasure to someone else, that can count as sexual but it depends, but what makes it appealing to you?

 

You could look into the term Placiosexual. To see if that fits. (it's a micro-label though)

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