Questions about Gray-Sexuality

[Sarah-Sylvia]

17 minutes ago, ReconciledDL said:

I would participate in sex with him, but right now the idea is still "meh." I'll do it if he wants, but I don't think I'll find enjoyment in it. So maybe that makes me demisexual?

Hiii. Welcome around. I think that this phrase is telling enough, and feels like someone who's graysexual. Someone demisexual would come to feel good about the sex once they've formed a strong emotional bond, so depending on if it changes to that or if you're still 'meh' about it, it could be the difference between if you're generally gray or actually demi.

There are actual asexuals who have sex with their partners for reasons like you mentioned, so long as they're not sex-averse and are 'ok' with it enough. There's a lot of asexuals who have some aversion to sex, so in their case they would just not want sex. Everyone's different, so you just have to find what works for you. If you'd be ok without having sex at all, that's another sign that you're on the ace spectrum.
I'm graysexual and I prefer not to have sex, except on some rare occasions but even then it's hard to maintain the feeling. I could maybe be with someone who's a little sexual, but at this point it can feel like pressure if someone wants sex too often. I prefer physical affection without sex. Like you, I want love and physical affection, and just not a fan of sex.

I haven't been in a long relationship in quite a while, and I've changed a lot, so I'm curious to see if there's a demi component to how I am too, but I feel I can only find that out once I have a deep relationship, to see how I feel physically with them.
Anyway, maybe that gives you a little feedback on your thoughts

[ReconciledDL]

@Sarah-Sylvia That's actually super helpful. I already knew there were others that felt the same as me, but to have it reaffirmed again is so comforting. Thanks for your input!

[riskygamble]

 @Let it Snao Perhaps it's one of those things where I can't see the forest for the trees and totally missing the point, but honestly this helped me a lot.  Separating libido/endocrinology from sexual desire and attraction has made it pretty clear to me where I lie, instead of viewing them as a "cause and effect" sort of relationship.

Edited December 6, 2020 by riskygamble

[AnnaPanni]

Hello!

I'm new to this community, and a bit unsure about my orientation

and how I could explain to my mom what I feel. 

 

My mother helped me a lot during puberty and my current young adulthood, and I really love her,

but I just can't explain asexuality to her. 

When I was 12(ish) I was sure I was lesbian.

 

Right now at almost 20 I identify miself as demi-asexual, (unsure),

and I'm somewhat attrachted to girls in a

non-sexual relationship-wanting way (I don't know how to say this in English, sorry  ) .

My mom always says that I'm not a lesbian, "I'm just afraid of sex".

She wants the best for me, but I don't know how I could talk about this with her,

as my previous explanations about asexuality failed.

 

What do you guys think, what should I do?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

1 minute ago, AnnaPanni said:

Hello!

I'm new to this community, and a bit unsure about my orientation

and how I could explain to my mom what I feel. 

 

My mother helped me a lot during puberty and my current young adulthood, and I really love her,

but I just can't explain asexuality to her. 

When I was 12(ish) I was sure I was lesbian.

 

Right now at almost 20 I identify miself as demi-asexual, (unsure),

and I'm somewhat attrachted to girls in a

non-sexual relationship-wanting way (I don't know how to say this in English, sorry  ) .

My mom always says that I'm not a lesbian, "I'm just afraid of sex".

She wants the best for me, but I don't know how I could talk about this with her,

as my previous explanations about asexuality failed.

 

What do you guys think, what should I do?

Hi. Demisexual is someone that would be sexual once they feel close to someone for a long time. If you don't think you'd ever want sex, then you could be asexual, or graysexual if you think it could show up but rarely or not very much at all. 

I think the most important is to understand yourself, and whether you tell others is up to you. I know moms can be important, but some don't understand and don't want to because they hold on to expectations. You don't need to convince her, you can live your life how you are and want. But if you do want to talk to her about it, you can start by talking about asexuality as an orientation. That just like people can be straight, gay, bisexual, some can be asexual, meaning they're not attracted to anyone sexually. And that you fall somewhere in there.

If you're attracted to girls romantically, then the term we use here is homoromantic. (instead of homosexual). It's essentially like being a lesbian but without the sex part.
I'm biromantic myself, meaning I can want a romantic relationship with anyone, so long as I like them. (and without sex). I'm graysexual because it's not impossible for me to sometimes feel a draw to things that are sexual, but it's rare.

 

Hope that helps

[AnnaPanni]

It helps, thank you very much! ❤️

I haven't had a relationship jet, so I'm trying to figure out that field.

And I will talk to mom as you advised. She doesn't hold onto expectations at all,

just asexuality is a new field to her I think. And she will accept me the way I am, so 

if things won't go soo smoot, everything will be fine still

 

[AnnaPanni]

*Update*

 

Today we talked about it with mom, and she understands everything now!

She was even fascinated by the science behind sexual orientations!

I love my mom ❤️

[confusedasf]

hi! i'm 19, cis woman and in a romantic relationship with a guy for about a year. i am so confused about my sexuality. im considering that i might be gray/asexual. but at the same time, i have pretty strict, sex-negative parents, so i used to think that was the reason why i have so much trouble having sexual pleasure. i have very little pleasure masturbating and in partnered sex. and have developed vaginismus (pain during penetration) in the last few months. i have no idea if i'm simply so sexually repressed that i can't enjoy sex or if maybe i'm asexual. i very rarely think about sex, or feel like doing it. im also really worried about what this can mean to my relationship, since my partner is obviouly sexual. i just dont know what to do. im already in therapy, trying to work through my vaginismus at least, but its been really hard. a lot of times im uncomfortable when im actually in a situation where i can have sex. has anyone gone through something similar?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

1 hour ago, confusedasf said:

hi! i'm 19, cis woman and in a romantic relationship with a guy for about a year. i am so confused about my sexuality. im considering that i might be gray/asexual. but at the same time, i have pretty strict, sex-negative parents, so i used to think that was the reason why i have so much trouble having sexual pleasure. i have very little pleasure masturbating and in partnered sex. and have developed vaginismus (pain during penetration) in the last few months. i have no idea if i'm simply so sexually repressed that i can't enjoy sex or if maybe i'm asexual. i very rarely think about sex, or feel like doing it. im also really worried about what this can mean to my relationship, since my partner is obviouly sexual. i just dont know what to do. im already in therapy, trying to work through my vaginismus at least, but its been really hard. a lot of times im uncomfortable when im actually in a situation where i can have sex. has anyone gone through something similar?

Hi. It sounds like you have very low libido (sex drive).
There could be a number of reasons for that, including psychology around sex, anxiety, depression, or simply some hormone imbalance. I think in cases like this the most important is to feel good in yourself, and if your body follows suit then it'll be easier to enjoy. Please don't try to force yourself to enjoy something you can't get into, and respect how you are for now. That's my advice anyway, hope it gets better for you ❤️

[confusedasf]

21 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hi. It sounds like you have very low libido (sex drive).
There could be a number of reasons for that, including psychology around sex, anxiety, depression, or simply some hormone imbalance. I think in cases like this the most important is to feel good in yourself, and if your body follows suit then it'll be easier to enjoy. Please don't try to force yourself to enjoy something you can't get into, and respect how you are for now. That's my advice anyway, hope it gets better for you ❤️

thank you so much! i think that might be the case! my partner is very understanding and we have a lot of conversations about this, so dont worry, im not forcing myself lately, we havent had penetrative sex in months. but thanks for the advice 💙

[k_ace]

Hi all. I'm very nervous to post, so please be gentle. I am extremely confused about my sexual identity. I'm 22 and a cis woman. I've been in 2 heterosexual relationships and have thus far identified as heterosexual. However, my current partner of 3 years and I have been experiencing trouble with sex and intimacy. Throughout the course of our relationship, I have never really wanted to have sex, nor do I even think about it. I never fantasize or dream about sex, I rarely masturbate and I don't enjoy pornography. I never initiate sex simply because it doesn't even cross my mind- we're long-distance for part of the year, and when we see each other there are about a million things I'd rather do than have sex. I'm not sex averse, but I also don't particularly enjoy sex. I generally feel indifferent about it- it's not awful but I'm never really aroused and usually feel "meh." I don't have "celebrity crushes" or really "get" much popular culture obsession with sex and attraction; I used to make up celebrity crushes and feign interest in sexual conversation to fit in in social situations in high school/college. In my previous relationship I experienced similar issues, though that relationship also involved abuse. I DO however experience romantic attraction and romantic crushes- I enjoy romantic affection and attention, but I don't think I'm experiencing sexual attraction. Could I be gray-asexual? Thank you so much in advance for any advice.

[AnnaPanni]

Hello! 

According to what you wrote I think that you are heteroromantic and gray-ace.

Affection, love, and sexual desire are not connected, 

so I think that ace (or gray-ace) descibes you. 

 

You came to the right place to read and talk about asexuality,

no need to worry

And have some welcome cake! 

[k_ace]

40 minutes ago, AnnaPanni said:

Hello! 

According to what you wrote I think that you are heteroromantic and gray-ace.

Affection, love, and sexual desire are not connected, 

so I think that ace (or gray-ace) descibes you. 

 

You came to the right place to read and talk about asexuality,

no need to worry

And have some welcome cake! 

Thank you so much. This is such a startling period of questioning for me and I really appreciate feeling welcomed. I think your assessment may be correct.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi @confused??. To the point you mentioned how you feel about sex, you could be straight up asexual. But you seem to also have very low libido, so it's hard to say whether you are ace or gray-ace with extremely low libido.  I have very low sex drive myself though it's partially caused by the medication I'm taking, and I can say sometimes I really feel ace, but I know it's a little more complicated

[k_ace]

15 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hi @confused??. To the point you mentioned how you feel about sex, you could be straight up asexual. But you seem to also have very low libido, so it's hard to say whether you are ace or gray-ace with extremely low libido.  I have very low sex drive myself though it's partially caused by the medication I'm taking, and I can say sometimes I really feel ace, but I know it's a little more complicated

Oh man, it's so complicated! Thank you for these considerations. I think I am going to be trying to figure this out for a while, and I really appreciate the insight.

[Ana]

I’ve realized that I don’t tend to view people as sexual until something triggers me to view them in a sexualized way, and it’s only then that I connect a person with sex. Is that normal?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

9 minutes ago, Ana said:

I’ve realized that I don’t tend to view people as sexual until something triggers me to view them in a sexualized way, and it’s only then that I connect a person with sex. Is that normal?

Hi again Ana 😜
I think it's relatively normal. It's kind of like how sometimes we talk about how there's a lot of people (men especially) who feel sexual even just from how someone looks ('hot') but lots of people aren't like that, it's just that because there's a lot who are, some start to think they're not normal if they aren't like that, but everyone's different, and sometimes  triggers can be something they do, or their personality, or how they treat you, to stir something, including sexual. It's possible your experience is still unique in some ways, but I think it does happen like that for some.

[A Koala with questions]

Hello to all,  I am new here and for context I’m a teenage cis heterosexual female. 
I’m from a very conservative family and I’m questioning whether or not I’m on the asexual spectrum or if I’m just afraid of sex. 
I’ve never been in a relationship so idk if there’s a Demi part of me. I haven’t really thought about sexuality that much because it’s really frowned upon in my family. I know I’m not a-romantic because I do have a like/crush but I feel downright disgusted if I try and imagine anything sexual happening between us. So any answers to my questions are greatly appreciated 😁

[Sarah-Sylvia]

34 minutes ago, A Koala with questions said:

Hello to all,  I am new here and for context I’m a teenage cis heterosexual female. 
I’m from a very conservative family and I’m questioning whether or not I’m on the asexual spectrum or if I’m just afraid of sex. 
I’ve never been in a relationship so idk if there’s a Demi part of me. I haven’t really thought about sexuality that much because it’s really frowned upon in my family. I know I’m not a-romantic because I do have a like/crush but I feel downright disgusted if I try and imagine anything sexual happening between us. So any answers to my questions are greatly appreciated 😁

Hi Koala. Unfortunately with what you said it's not really enough to say much. You could just be sex-averse, or you could be both sex-averse and on the ace spectrum.
I think it's not good that families put so much negativity around something that's actually natural and that many gain from, with the sexual intimacy they get with their partner. That said, I don't care for sex myself

The question is, do you think you'd ever feel like being intimate in that way with a partner? Maybe once you've gotten really close to them and trust them and want to feel good sexually good together? (that would be demi)

[A Koala with questions]

@Sarah-Sylvia  I don’t feel the need to be intimate ever, and whenever I’m around someone I like I don’t feel sexually attracted and most of my fantasy’s are about stuff like cuddling and long conversations, but if it was to help keep a healthy relationship I might be up to it very infrequently. 
And even when I’m emotionally close to someone I don’t feel attracted that way so I’ve ruled out being demi. 
Im still very new to this stuff and I’m glad that everyone here is so accepting 🙂

[Sarah-Sylvia]

3 minutes ago, A Koala with questions said:

@Sarah-Sylvia  I don’t feel the need to be intimate ever, and whenever I’m around someone I like I don’t feel sexually attracted and most of my fantasy’s are about stuff like cuddling and long conversations, but if it was to help keep a healthy relationship I might be up to it very infrequently. 
And even when I’m emotionally close to someone I don’t feel attracted that way so I’ve ruled out being demi. 
Im still very new to this stuff and I’m glad that everyone here is so accepting 🙂

Ok. Well, cuddling and being emotionally close is intimacy too . But yeah it sounds very much like someone on the ace spectrum. And if you are never drawn to sex at all, and would only do it for your partner, then you could even possibly define yourself as asexual (not just graysexual). It's really up to you, as you keep exploring and see what makes sense to you, you can use whichever label you feel good with.

[A Koala with questions]

Thanks! This has helped me a lot 🙂

[Cesyl]

Hi,

 

I'm might be a little too honest, but here it goes:

I've been struggling with my sexuality for years.

You see, in high school, as my friends were getting crushes and relationships, I never felt attraction towards others. The closest I came were celebrities, who I admired or thought were pretty. But then as I was graduating I got my first crush, so I thought I was "fixed", like so many other things in my life; I was just a late bloomer!

I went on dates, but was scared to initiate things. Flirting did, and still does, scare me. Almost all the dates mistook them as friend-outings or whatever.
So here I was, 20 years old and never even been kissed.. So when I heard about demisexuality a few years ago, I was so glad. I thought I'd found my community.

But looking further into it, I'm not so sure.

I'm 22 now, still a virgin and I've only kissed once. I might just have a low libido.. But sometimes I do masturbate and enjoy it.

I long for a relationship, but I'm scared that if I don't know what I want, the other person won't stick around to find out. How do I even bring up the subject? I've also found that everyone assumes sex is not a big deal and everyone's had it, which for me is not true.

The fact is I don't know what I am, how I work or what to do.

Please, could someone help me or give me advice?

Thank you for letting me enter your community, I await your responces. X

 

 

[Snao Cone]

18 minutes ago, Cesyl said:

I long for a relationship, but I'm scared that if I don't know what I want, the other person won't stick around to find out. How do I even bring up the subject? I've also found that everyone assumes sex is not a big deal and everyone's had it, which for me is not true.

If you're honest with someone early on, that will save you time. Some will want an experienced partner, and if that's the case then you can part ways and move on to find someone else. That doesn't reduce your value as a person or what you have to offer in a partnership; it just means that you don't match well with their needs.

 

There are some people who are very nice and understanding about this kind of thing. Also - it's not that uncommon for people to be virgins at 22. Most people would've had sex by your age, yes, but there are lots who haven't. There are even more who haven't had sex that was any good, or intimate in any meaningful way. (I am one of those, as the sex I had by that age was mostly drunk and awkward.) If you bring up your presumed demisexuality (as right now you're going by that in theory based on a projection of how you might come to want a person sexually, having not been in that situation yet), that will help as well. Try to talk to a potential partner about sexual diversity, including asexuality, in casual conversation first to gauge whether they're trustworthy of hearing about your orientation specifically. Then you can get into more details about your uncertainty and how you hope to discover things about yourself, if they're willing to help you along.

 

Here's an article I read last month that talks about approaching relationships as virgins that might help ease your anxieties, as you're definitely not the only one to be worried about this: https://1followernodad.substack.com/p/im-28-years-old-and-havent-had-sex

[Cesyl]

Thank you, this definitely helped.

[aafire]

I just wanted to share some thoughts and maybe get some feedback from y'all, since I'm kinda struggling to make sense of some things.

 

So I'm only recently learning about grey sexuality and I'm trying to figure out where I fit in to this spectrum. I've been in several relationships that involved a lot of sexual activity, and in some of them I've enjoyed it, but in others, I've been repulsed by sex. I know that I am hetero-romantic, but I struggle to understand my own inconsistent sexual attractions. Sometimes when I would expect to feel some sexual attraction (like during sex), I don't and I just want to be done. I know I tend towards asexuality since most of the time I don't feel any attraction to other people, but I have felt it when in a serious relationship.

 

I guess I don't know If I really have a question but it helps to type it all out 😅 Do I sound grey-sexual to y'all?

[PrimeJelly]

On 1/19/2021 at 4:21 PM, skal said:

Do I sound grey-sexual to y'all?

Yeah definitely! It's okay to enjoy sex sometimes and then the next be repulsed by it. Greysexuals to any degree have their own experiences and I bet your experience is common in that regard. I can't really say 100% as I'm greyromantic not sexual but it sounds totally plausible. You're always valid! 

[mimilost]

HI. I'm 16 and I don't know if I fit in the grey area or not. I am omniromantic, i am attracted by everyone romantically but the gender can influence this attraction. I wonder if i may be polysexual and greysexual. ( not between them)

I can feel sexual attraction but not as often as others do and even less in the real life ( most of the person am i sexualy attraced to are one tiktok haha) but i don't want to have sex even by myself, but i can feel exited if i read spicy things  or sometimes think about sex, i can imagine myself doing it but just dreaming, not in the real life. Am i greysexual then or not?

And my struggle with polysexual is that i can't imagine myself doing things with a men but i can imagine myself in a relationshup without sex with one. And i can imagine myself doing things ( not in the real life, still in dreams) and be in a relationship with girls. Idk  where to situate non binary people i can feel attraction in a romantic way and for the sexual idk.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

3 minutes ago, mimilost said:

HI. I'm 16 and I don't know if I fit in the grey area or not. I am omniromantic, i am attracted by everyone romantically but the gender can influence this attraction. I wonder if i may be polysexual and greysexual. ( not between them)

I can feel sexual attraction but not as often as others do and even less in the real life ( most of the person am i sexualy attraced to are one tiktok haha) but i don't want to have sex even by myself, but i can feel exited if i read spicy things  or sometimes think about sex, i can imagine myself doing it but just dreaming, not in the real life. Am i greysexual then or not?

And my struggle with polysexual is that i can't imagine myself doing things with a men but i can imagine myself in a relationshup without sex with one. And i can imagine myself doing things ( not in the real life, still in dreams) and be in a relationship with girls. Idk  where to situate non binary people i can feel attraction in a romantic way and for the sexual idk.

Hi.
You could be plain asexual or graysexual (but just for one gender, so not poly/pan if there's nothing for men), while being omniromantic like you said. Gonna ask a question, but why is it only in dreams? Do you think after being close and intimate with someone you could feel drawn to sexual intimacy?

[mimilost]

9 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hi.
You could be plain asexual or graysexual (but just for one gender, so not poly/pan if there's nothing for men), while being omniromantic like you said. Gonna ask a question, but why is it only in dreams? Do you think after being close and intimate with someone you could feel drawn to sexual intimacy?

HI thanks for you answer so I can be Grey but only for men? 

And I can like dream of it like fantasize about it but I don't want to do it in real I'm not exited about me having sex of this answers your question? I'm not a native English speaker soo 😂😅