Questions about Gray-Sexuality

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hii @-Quest- ! Hope your time around will be good for your exploration
I'll try to answer your post the best I can
 

13 hours ago, -Quest- said:

• I never understood the big whoop about intercourse. I guess it can be fun with someone emotionally bonded to you, but I would never tolerate sex with anyone just for a one night stand, frat party or ANYTHING. I don't want to objectify myself and be used as a means end, that being gratification. It's the factor of emotional trust that is a requirement for me. I want someone to know me like the back of their hand, like all my insecurities and accomplishments. If they do and still accept me, them I will feel TONS better about intercourse.

Well, not everyone wants or likes one night stands, so that part doesn't mean too much on its own besides that you're not a player But not wanting sex on its own can still mean something. Sounds like you really want to connect with someone deeply, and I like that, wouldn't mind finding someone like that too. You probably want trust for it because you want someone to want you for you, not for the sex, and I can relate to that
 

13 hours ago, -Quest- said:

• I am scared that a relationship will be broken off because of my neurodivergence(?) (possible depression, acute stress disorder) and the fact that I will "wait too long" to have sex.

 

I haven't heard that term for depression and an anxiety disorder. I have both and I don't consider msyelf divergent, just .. I have those issues I don't think it means much for your orientation, but I hope that you don't put too much pressure on yourself, and can just be you. Communication is very good in relationships, so sometimes maybe you can talk about those concerns. And also be true to that you want love much more than sex.
 

13 hours ago, -Quest- said:

• My emotional fulfillment comes from my friends. I never bothered with a boyfriend because...why? I am more comfy going to dances with friends. They make me smile, laugh, and feel good about myself (I am pessimistic, so feeling good is a big deal). I don't need a sexual relationship for that fulfillment.

I don't really understand this. I know that most men would want sex, but a relationship doesn't have to equal the focus being on sex. If you like love and want someone to love you and know you like the back of their hands, then a romantic relationship will be so very fulfilling. How do you feel about intimacy? Including deep connection? Because this makes me wonder how you are romantically.
 

 

13 hours ago, -Quest- said:

• However, I'm posting on the forum because I do feel an extent of attraction. I've never fantasized about male celebrities, and my very brief crushes were directed towards male peers of my class. I would theorize I'm Demisexual because I must know someone well before even considering having intercourse. I'm better fantasizing about fictional men, but even then, I will literally come up with entire plot threads of me knowing them for years before moving on to a new fandom😄. 

 

Is it possible that you're confusing romance and sexuality? Having crushes doesn't mean eventually wanting sex with them. Maybe you would, but your focus would be on the intimacy I'm guessing. Depending on how you feel around this, it can make the difference between you being sexual, demisexual, or graysexual in general. 

 

13 hours ago, -Quest- said:

• I am fearful at the thought of being pinned to the wall or being alone with a man I don't trust. When I read manga of women getting pinned in a hallway, my mind is SCREAMING at her to get away and fight back. Clear consent is HUGE to me, and that includes knowing one's intentions, no surprises.

I think that's normal, no woman wants to be done things against her will. It can be rape if she doesn't want it. Obviously it depends on someone. In my case, I can fantasize about being pinned and enjoy it, but that's in the case that I still trust the person and know they won't hurt me. I don't know how it'd play out in real, but no one's supposed to do something against the other person's will (or consent).

 

13 hours ago, -Quest- said:

• I can think men are conventionally attractive. Like, yea, you have nice hair and you are tall. Am I immediately going to take you home? No. Do I want to know you a bit more? Yes, absolutely! Can we hold hands and just walk around? Please, the pleasure is mine :D!

I think that's normal as well. Typically women are less likely to feel like just wanting sex from being attracted to someone, it takes more, and the focus can be more on the romantic side, like you're talking about.  Obviously some women are like that tho, it's just differences in how sexual they are.

 

13 hours ago, -Quest- said:

• I love hand-holding. I don't know why but the idea of intimacies through hanging out with each other, back rubs, and hand holding is super sweet to me and says so much more than simple sex.

I love it too, a lot. I really think you've been thinking that romance necessarily ends up in sex, which it definitely doesn't have to, even in sexual couples it can just be something extra they do on some nights as a form of intimacy, when what they focus more on is the romance, which can be simple, and sweet

 

13 hours ago, -Quest- said:

• I'm scared to declare myself as grey-a because I don't feel valid, and I am wondering if I'm just a cishet trying to adopt into a community that they don't belong in :(.

Hey, it's ok, we're going to accept you regardless You clearly don't care much for sex, but have been combining sex and romance together and struggling to know that it's ok to be more focused on love and romance than on the sexual parts. You could definitely be gray-sexual, tho there is the possibility that you're just a lot less sexual and trying to make sense of how you are in an environment that ..,. you took on certain ideas about what romance and relationships are about, and it's ok to take your time to sort it out and see what you're really about. Once you accept that it's ok to not be as into sex, you can be true about that, whether you just say you're less sexual (which I do outside of this forum) or that you're gray-ace.

It's just about being true to yourself and knowing it's ok.
*hug*

[emptybox]

Been questioning recently. It seems that I never remember being sexually attracted to partners or potential partners, only characters or other unattainable people/ people I'd never meet. Most of my 'crushes' have been purely based on aesthetic attraction (many times combined with sensual and romantic attraction). Like sex in the abstract or in fantasy with specific people/characters I don't know is fine, but put me in a room with anyone, even a trusted parter who I find aesthetically attractive, and the most I'm interested in is meeting their needs in a select few ways (and I'd never really say I'm particularly in the mood to do this). Fantasizing about a person I know, even if I find them easy on the eyes, isn't something I can get off to. Are these experiences any graysexual people are familiar with? I've fancied myself maybe a sex positive graysexual.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

12 minutes ago, emptybox said:

Been questioning recently. It seems that I never remember being sexually attracted to partners or potential partners, only characters or other unattainable people/ people I'd never meet. Most of my 'crushes' have been purely based on aesthetic attraction (many times combined with sensual and romantic attraction). Like sex in the abstract or in fantasy with specific people/characters I don't know is fine, but put me in a room with anyone, even a trusted parter who I find aesthetically attractive, and the most I'm interested in is meeting their needs in a select few ways (and I'd never really say I'm particularly in the mood to do this). Fantasizing about a person I know, even if I find them easy on the eyes, isn't something I can get off to. Are these experiences any graysexual people are familiar with? I've fancied myself maybe a sex positive graysexual.

Even some asexuals can feel like that. Personally I don't fantasize about real people much because I find that a bit odd, but my fantasies aren't generally more sexual, so I can't relate to it personally, besides that some scenarios are easier to make. To be asexual you just have to never be interested in partnered sexual acts for the sexuality itself (pleasing someone is just caring for them).

Sexual attraction doesn't have to be based on finding someone good looking though, it can also be when you feel good with someone and want to be intimate with them. For me sensuality is enough for that, but sometimes it can potentially lead to sexual acts if I can stay in the zone of the feelings, so that's why I consider myself graysexual. If you never want sex with someone real then you can even fit in asexuality, though graysexual can feel comfortable because it's a lot more open.

[ModestFox]

47 minutes ago, emptybox said:

Fantasizing about a person I know, even if I find them easy on the eyes, isn't something I can get off to.

I find this familiar, strangely, but only in terms of getting off to these fantasies. I find them enjoyable and arousing as a daydream, and something I would want to do for real, but they get boring and distracting when I try to actually use them, no matter who I imagine myself with. I gave up and either think about nothing, or weird kinky third-person scenarios that don't include me (that's the easiest way). This has always puzzled me but other than that,..

 

"A few select ways" intrigue me because I'd be comfortable with very few, too.

[articuno]

I just talked about this in another topic so funny seeing the "fantasize" thing pop up here too, I feel there's a tendency among people on the ace spectrum to mainly have third-person sexual fantasies if anything and this is one of the things that feels different about my own "ace experience", I do find myself enjoying first-person fantasies and can get off to them I guess (though I usually use porn rather than fantasies), it's just that I'm not sure how this would translate into real life experiences, I do feel interested in trying these scenarios out in real life but it's not like an urge or strong desire 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

6 minutes ago, articuno said:

I just talked about this in another topic so funny seeing the "fantasize" thing pop up here too, I feel there's a tendency among people on the ace spectrum to mainly have third-person sexual fantasies if anything and this is one of the things that feels different about my own "ace experience", I do find myself enjoying first-person fantasies and can get off to them I guess (though I usually use porn rather than fantasies), it's just that I'm not sure how this would translate into real life experiences, I do feel interested in trying these scenarios out in real life but it's not like an urge or strong desire 

Some sexual people are only 'interested' in sex. Men in general tend to have more strong desire, though obviously not all of them. For some (especially women) they even just have 'responsive desire', that is they don't desire sex but when someone initiates then it can trigger their sexual feelings. There's all sorts of people.

I do think in some cases it's hard to know our full feelings without exploring a bit with real relationships. But we still just gotta be true to ourselves

[emptybox]

2 minutes ago, articuno said:

I just talked about this in another topic so funny seeing the "fantasize" thing pop up here too, I feel there's a tendency among people on the ace spectrum to mainly have third-person sexual fantasies if anything and this is one of the things that feels different about my own "ace experience", I do find myself enjoying first-person fantasies and can get off to them I guess (though I usually use porn rather than fantasies), it's just that I'm not sure how this would translate into real life experiences, I do feel interested in trying these scenarios out in real life but it's not like an urge or strong desire 

Mine are always first person but doing things irl things doesn't typically pan out with the same feelings/ energy as when it's just in my head. 

[articuno]

4 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Some sexual people are only 'interested' in sex. Men in general tend to have more strong desire, though obviously not all of them. For some (especially women) they even just have 'responsive desire', that is they don't desire sex but when someone initiates then it can trigger their sexual feelings. There's all sorts of people.

I do think in some cases it's hard to know our full feelings without exploring a bit with real relationships. But we still just gotta be true to ourselves

 I never actually heard of responsive desire, but I just googled it and I feel like that might actually be a possibility with how I feel sexual desire. As in, I don't think I would actively seek out sex in a relationship but if "offered" I would like it. Maybe. In the end it's just hypothetical thinking since I'm not in a relationship, and I would most definitely still be on the gray-ace spectrum nevertheless considering I would only do it with someone I feel exceptionally close to and it's more of a "low priority". In any case it was very interesting to learn there is such a thing, so thank you!

 

9 minutes ago, emptybox said:

Mine are always first person but doing things irl things doesn't typically pan out with the same feelings/ energy as when it's just in my head. 

Yeah, that's exactly my worries. It seems all nice in my head, but I have no idea if I would actually like it as much in real life.

[Meems961]

Hi! So, recently I started really reading about asexuality, demisexuality, and graysexuality and it just felt like something started to click. I read a book on demisexuality and I kept crying because I felt for the first time like I was being described. But I’m still struggling a bit to understand the nuances between the terms, and exactly where I fit in (or if in fact I don’t) and I’m hoping that others who identify as asexual, demisexual, and/or graysexual might be willing to offer me some thoughts! 

 

I am a 30-something year old cis woman, I  am heteroromantic, but I have never had sex and the last “boyfriend” I had was in middle school. Last date I went on was like 7 years ago. I recently realized that while I have had a handful of crushes in my life (I can remember 3 or 4 in HS, one in college, one in grad school, and one in the last decade+), I have not had sexual thoughts or fantasies about any of them. I’ve only had the vaguest sexual fantasies in general, but even in those fantasies while someone else might “be there” they’re not particularly involved. I get much more pleasure from fantasizing about conversations with same said individual than anything sexual. I do masterbate on occasion, but it’s pretty perfunctory, often tied to hormones, and as soon as I’m done I’m completely disinterested. I sometimes watch porn or read erotica, but usually when it focuses on the close connection between the two people and/or the actual physical sensations themselves. 

 

I am not repulsed by the idea of sex, but I’ve certainly never made any attempt to seek it out. I can imagine having a sex life with someone who I spend my life with, but I can’t imagine having sex before I really know them and they really know me. I have never encountered a person or an actor and have wanted to have sex with them. Flirting baffles me and I have definitely been told by friends after the fact that someone was flirting and I was unaware and also didn’t care. Dating has never been of great interest to me. The only times I’ve dated or gone on dating apps it’s been out of a feeling of “well, shouldn’t I be trying to find someone?” When people point out someone who they think is sexy or hot, I kinda get it, but if you ask me “is that person hot?” I really have nothing beyond “idk, maybe?” as a response.

 

I know I’m the only person who can make this determination for myself, but I feel a bit like I’m drowning in a sea of terms and I don’t know which one or ones to grab to keep myself afloat! Any thoughts or help would be so greatly appreciated!

[Sarah-Sylvia]

@Meeems Welcome around 🍰

Sounds in line with demisexuality with what you said so far. Obviously everyone's different, and for some it takes a closer bond than some others, so only you can come to know at what point sex becomes something you're interested in. It could be worthwhile to focus on people's personalities, and love, and maybe sexuality will feature at one point, but it can take to explore to really know your feelings around that. But essentially, it's always about being true to yourself

 

Knowing you're on the ace spectrum in some way should be a good start

[ehdr77]

I'm not really sure how to describe myself. I do feel I fit under the asexual umbrella, but I do experience some sexual attraction toward my current partner. I realized there were some issues with past relationships including one night stands and FWBs where I thought I needed sex to validate myself as "normal". I was in a fairly sexless marriage for 14 years, and that was his decision while he was off having affairs and telling me I wasn't worth having sex with. So, I do think my past choices were based on beliefs formed in my marriage. At the beginning of this year, I finally realized that I was panromantic and, I think, some kind of asexual.

 

As I've tried to explain myself to my partner of 5 years, it's become confusing. I do enjoy sex with him, but sometimes I feel like I'm being forced to have sex. He has never been abusive in anyway, so the "force" is something in my head. I never really know when I'm in the mood or not. Sometimes I really enjoy sex; other times, I just want foreplay. I'm HIGHLY sensual. And a lot of times I hate penetration. But I don't know, or maybe I just don't have the courage to say anything in the middle of foreplay or during sex, even though he's told me he's willing to stop anytime I ask him. I don't feel distressed about it at all. And, I do enjoy masturbation and porn. I just wish I could adequately explain myself because it's way too confusing to me. I think in any new relationship, I would just describe myself as a demi-sensual asexual, but in my current relationship, I don't know how to define anything.

Edited October 27, 2020 by ehdr77
added info

[Sarah-Sylvia]

8 minutes ago, ehdr77 said:

I'm not really sure how to describe myself. I do feel I fit under the asexual umbrella, but I do experience some sexual attraction toward my current partner. I realized there were some issues with past relationships including one night stands and FWBs where I thought I needed sex to validate myself as "normal". I was in a fairly sexless marriage for 14 years, and that was his decision while he was off having affairs and telling me I wasn't worth having sex with. So, I do think my past choices were based on beliefs formed in my marriage. At the beginning of this year, I finally realized that I was panromantic and, I think, some kind of asexual.

As I've tried to explain myself to my partner of 5 years, it's become confusing. I do enjoy sex with him, but sometimes I feel like I'm being forced to have sex. He has never been abusive in anyway, so the "force" is something in my head. I never really know when I'm in the mood or not. Sometimes I really enjoy sex; other times, I just want foreplay. I'm HIGHLY sensual. And a lot of times I hate penetration. I don't feel distressed about it at all. And, I do enjoy masturbation and porn. I just wish I could adequately explain myself because it's way too confusing to me. I think in any new relationship, I would just describe myself as a demi-sensual asexual, but in my current relationship, I don't know how to define anything.

Asexual would be that you don't have desire for sexual things with anyone, but since you do in inconsistent ways, it kinda fits with graysexuality. At least it's very similar to me. And now that my sex drive is so low, it's pretty rare that I'd even get into the mood.

 

[-Quest-]

On 10/10/2020 at 11:25 AM, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hii @-Quest- ! Hope your time around will be good for your exploration
I'll try to answer your post the best I can
 

Well, not everyone wants or likes one night stands, so that part doesn't mean too much on its own besides that you're not a player But not wanting sex on its own can still mean something. Sounds like you really want to connect with someone deeply, and I like that, wouldn't mind finding someone like that too. You probably want trust for it because you want someone to want you for you, not for the sex, and I can relate to that
 

I haven't heard that term for depression and an anxiety disorder. I have both and I don't consider msyelf divergent, just .. I have those issues I don't think it means much for your orientation, but I hope that you don't put too much pressure on yourself, and can just be you. Communication is very good in relationships, so sometimes maybe you can talk about those concerns. And also be true to that you want love much more than sex.
 

I don't really understand this. I know that most men would want sex, but a relationship doesn't have to equal the focus being on sex. If you like love and want someone to love you and know you like the back of their hands, then a romantic relationship will be so very fulfilling. How do you feel about intimacy? Including deep connection? Because this makes me wonder how you are romantically.
 

 

Is it possible that you're confusing romance and sexuality? Having crushes doesn't mean eventually wanting sex with them. Maybe you would, but your focus would be on the intimacy I'm guessing. Depending on how you feel around this, it can make the difference between you being sexual, demisexual, or graysexual in general. 

 

I think that's normal, no woman wants to be done things against her will. It can be rape if she doesn't want it. Obviously it depends on someone. In my case, I can fantasize about being pinned and enjoy it, but that's in the case that I still trust the person and know they won't hurt me. I don't know how it'd play out in real, but no one's supposed to do something against the other person's will (or consent).

 

I think that's normal as well. Typically women are less likely to feel like just wanting sex from being attracted to someone, it takes more, and the focus can be more on the romantic side, like you're talking about.  Obviously some women are like that tho, it's just differences in how sexual they are.

 

I love it too, a lot. I really think you've been thinking that romance necessarily ends up in sex, which it definitely doesn't have to, even in sexual couples it can just be something extra they do on some nights as a form of intimacy, when what they focus more on is the romance, which can be simple, and sweet

 

Hey, it's ok, we're going to accept you regardless You clearly don't care much for sex, but have been combining sex and romance together and struggling to know that it's ok to be more focused on love and romance than on the sexual parts. You could definitely be gray-sexual, tho there is the possibility that you're just a lot less sexual and trying to make sense of how you are in an environment that ..,. you took on certain ideas about what romance and relationships are about, and it's ok to take your time to sort it out and see what you're really about. Once you accept that it's ok to not be as into sex, you can be true about that, whether you just say you're less sexual (which I do outside of this forum) or that you're gray-ace.

It's just about being true to yourself and knowing it's ok.
*hug*

Hoo boy . 21 days later, and I think I can respond to this properly. First, thank you for welcoming me into the forum! It feels nice to finally discuss my feelings without feeling I'll be shunned or assuming I'll have sex later. Let's see...since this post I have decided to work off a split attraction model, where I separate my sexuality and romanticism. I realized that I am a HUGE romantic. Dinner dates, holding hands, long walks, and kissed to the forehead sweep me off my feet! Sex, however is,......a different story. I realized that I have not felt very strong sexual attraction, and if I did, it was very brief. Even in fantasy, when I feel someone pinned on top, bound, or even placing their hands on me, I'm highly adversive to it. I feel like I should scramble to get out of that situation, like the brink of a panic attack. My body screams to be left alone, somehow naturally finding hands and touching distasteful at best. I dislike touches from strangers and friends of both sexes, especially if those touches are unexpected or unwarranted. I'm ok with family hugs, but b/c I expect it. I guess it goes back to the level of trust I need with someone, and how I need them to know me inside and out before I feel they truly accept me for who I am. Only then do I feel, "yea, I think I can share the vulnerability of my body with you" I also learned that libido and sex drive doesn't determine asexuality alone, so now I feel more comfy with the term Grey-A or even Demi-grey. TLDR, I may have hetero-mantic and sensual attraction, but sex is...ugh or meh to me.

[LoveNotSex?]

On 10/26/2017 at 3:30 AM, Seeking Answers said:

Hi, guys. I just started wondering about this yesterday. I would say please forgive my ignorance, but you guys seem like an amazingly accepting group. So, I'm not sure that's necessary.

A little about me. I'm an ISTJ personality type. A nerd. Socially awkward. 

Overall, I think sex and people's pursuit of it is stupid. Other than making more humans, I don't see much point in it. (And is that even really necessary?) I think it's really over-hyped by society. And I don't like the pressure and social obligation to have it.

In my eyes the more sexual a relationship is, the less romantic it is and vice versa.

It's almost like sex for the sake of emotional connection is a turn-off for me. And don't even get me started on how I feel about the term "intimacy" being used to mean sex or vice versa. It strikes me as a sign of ignorance.

In short, I find sex about as romantic as I find Al Bundy. That is, really not at all.

However, and this is what confuses me. I do get sexually aroused. But it seems to be either when someone I love wants to cuddle and doesn't mention sex. On the flip side, I tend to get aroused at the thought of meaningless sex (e.g. fantasies about strangers, fantasies about spontaneously having sex with an acquaintance/friend with whom I have no romantic feelings, etc.) (In reality, I'm married and have only slept with one person in my entire life.)

I know no one can tell me what I am. But can someone help me figure out what asexuality is in relation to what I've described? Is there anyone else out there like me? Or are there any terms I could research or use to understand myself better?

P.S. I am happily married. Just trying to figure out the pain in the neck that is sexuality or lack thereof.

 

This is pretty much my attitude as well. I wonder if it means that I'm kind of grey-asexual.
As a more general question to the community (I'm completely new, so sorry if it's stupid): Do you define grey-asexual rather only via the frequency and intensity of sexual desires or is it also about the 'theoretical'/ emotional attitude you have towards sex/ the meaning you want it to have (or not) in life?
In my eyes, sex - in general - is something trivial, like eating if you are hungry for example – it can bring some pleasure, but it's temporary and has no deeper meaning. I know how the desire feels, I feel it sometimes (almost as frequently as others, and in a rather 'normal' way I think), I like having sex then and afterwards the desire is gone again for a rather long while - so what's the big deal? I hate the fact that most people consider sex as something meaningful, as a relevant or even defining factor for a relationship; that for most people the person they love, they share their lives, thoughts and emotions with, has to be a/the person they have sex with. Why?! I think that real, deep love and (romantic) relationships should be defined by emotional and spiritual/intellectual qualities only, instead of being confused with trivial desires designed by evolution to create beings.
I experience really deep, intense love and happiness mainly when I cuddle with someone I love. Then I can completely focus on being close to them, experiencing 'only' love in a pure, almost transcendent way. Whereas when cuddling leads to sexual desire and sex, it feels like it almost spoils the feeling of love by blending it with a more trivial emotion and activity. And even knowing that one is in a sexual relationship can kind of spoil cuddling, because you never know whether you cuddle for the pure activity and emotion of it or if it's 'just a foreplay for sex'. So in a way, I'd like the idea of an asexual romantic relationship even though I'm not asexual.
Can anyone else relate to this? Do you consider it as grey-asexual or are there maybe other labels?

Edited November 3, 2020 by LoveNotSex?

[Met milk]

On 10/28/2017 at 6:58 PM, vonmilla said:

Hey all! 

So my discovery of my sexuality started a few years ago and I settled pretty quickly on knowing that I was 1. bi/pansexual and 2. demisexual. I always felt happy with that and didn't feel the need to find any other labels. Most of my relationships have been long distance up until this point. We would meet in various places at an event (I travel a lot) and then go home and decide to stay together longer term. I'm currently in my first non-long distance relationship and it's coming to my attention that on top of being demisexual, there is something else there. Every few months I will go through phases of feeling sex-neutral and have no desire to have sex with my partner of one year. We are extremely close and when I'm not in those phases, we have an active sex life I feel extremely happy and fulfilled by. Upon noticing this, I realized I've gone through phases like this my whole life, where for a few weeks/months I would have no desire to masturbate, watch porn, or be with anyone sexually in any capacity whatsoever. Within these phases with my partner, I'm still extremely romantically attracted to her and feel fulfilled by that but she is definitely more sex-oriented than me during these  periods so it's feeling a little discouraging. 

 

Is there a term for this? Do any of you experience this too? 

Thank you!

I feel this, very much so! In one of these phases right now.  It's weird. So glad im not alone.

 

[ModestFox]

I’m confused… Again.

First of all: I don’t think I know what I really want and need xD I only have some hints and a bit of experience. Maybe it’s another of my unusual preferences. It was very hard to put into words, too.

I decided I’m not asexual because I have this very sexual-like attraction to doing stuff with genitals and fluids (with lots of boundaries, though). I do enjoy that kind of contact, and I feel connection to the person when it happens. In fact, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship completely devoid of it. But I think I would ideally want it to consist of slow and gentle stroking for the sake of it, maybe even as an expression of love, rather than mechanical stimulation meant to necessarily result in an orgasm. It seems way more fun and meaningful for me that way, and puts less pressure on either partner. Yet I doubt I would find many people with this attitude...

I also noticed it feels super exciting at the very beginning, and then it's about the same level of excitement as when we were cuddling, or even less. It felt nice, not exactly the same but not as different from masturbation as I expected it to be. I guess it can be fun for a change, but I feel it could as well easily turn into a chore.

I wonder if this is actually the reason why I can’t imagine some things for longer than a minute before getting bored…

 

On 11/3/2020 at 10:15 PM, LoveNotSex? said:

I experience really deep, intense love and happiness mainly when I cuddle with someone I love. Then I can completely focus on being close to them, experiencing 'only' love in a pure, almost transcendent way. Whereas when cuddling leads to sexual desire and sex, it feels like it almost spoils the feeling of love by blending it with a more trivial emotion and activity.

I totally experienced the deep, intense love when cuddling, too. But cuddles were before, after and in between, and I had no problem with that.

I often hear how asexuals (and perhaps some non-asexual people) stop expressing affection because they fear it would lead to sex. Luckily in my case there was no pressure and I had nothing to fear.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

13 minutes ago, ModestFox said:

I’m confused… Again.

First of all: I don’t think I know what I really want and need xD I only have some hints and a bit of experience. Maybe it’s another of my unusual preferences. It was very hard to put into words, too.

I decided I’m not asexual because I have this very sexual-like attraction to doing stuff with genitals and fluids (with lots of boundaries, though). I do enjoy that kind of contact, and I feel connection to the person when it happens. In fact, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship completely devoid of it. But I think I would ideally want it to consist of slow and gentle stroking for the sake of it, maybe even as an expression of love, rather than mechanical stimulation meant to necessarily result in an orgasm. It seems way more fun and meaningful for me that way, and puts less pressure on either partner. Yet I doubt I would find many people with this attitude...

I also noticed it feels super exciting at the very beginning, and then it's about the same level of excitement as when we were cuddling, or even less. It felt nice, not exactly the same but not as different from masturbation as I expected it to be. I guess it can be fun for a change, but I feel it could as well easily turn into a chore.

I wonder if this is actually the reason why I can’t imagine some things for longer than a minute before getting bored…

 

I totally experienced the deep, intense love when cuddling, too. But cuddles were before, after and in between, and I had no problem with that.

I often hear how asexuals (and perhaps some non-asexual people) stop expressing affection because they fear it would lead to sex. Luckily in my case there was no pressure and I had nothing to fear.

I think that's not far from the normal side of sexuality, if not normal in some sense, and really there's quite a lot of women who want sex but are more in it for the meaningful connection.  Finding a man who's a good match is a challenge for a lot of them
I think that being 'less sexual' is what can make it that it can get boring more easily if there isn't something meaningful or stimulating to keep the energy. Whether it's just how someone is or because of lower libido. I have both so sex can get boring very easily, and most of the time I just don't want it since what I want is in affection itself, and I don't need sex in a relationship, though I wouldn't mind being able to try or experiment once in a while.

[ModestFox]

No good news ^ ^'  I somehow happened to find a man who's a good match for me but it's a long-distance relationship. If it doesn't work out for any reason, I'm even more convinced that I should try dating women. Compromising should be easier with them (no PIV is already an advantage 🙄), otherwise I would consider an open relationship or something. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

11 minutes ago, ModestFox said:

No good news ^ ^'  I somehow happened to find a man who's a good match for me but it's a long-distance relationship. If it doesn't work out for any reason, I'm even more convinced that I should try dating women. Compromising should be easier with them (no PIV is already an advantage 🙄), otherwise I would consider an open relationship or something. 

Women are great
Anyway long distance is definitely different than physical. Hope it works out for you one way or another

[ModestFox]

21 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Anyway long distance is definitely different than physical.

It was physical during a short time earlier this year, if that's what you meant. So I can be more sure of it than I was of all my previous relationships ^ ^'

[Sarah-Sylvia]

1 minute ago, ModestFox said:

It was physical during a short time earlier this year, if that's what you meant. So I can be more sure of it than I was of all my previous relationships ^ ^'

Ok sure. Hopefully you two can meet more at some point.

[A User]

well, i just wonder.

like i never really have "woah she/hes so cool kinda things.

and does that kinda make me grayasexual or not???

[Sarah-Sylvia]

21 minutes ago, A User said:

well, i just wonder.

like i never really have "woah she/hes so cool kinda things.

and does that kinda make me grayasexual or not???

You'll have to give more info.
finding someone cool doesn't really have to do with sexuality 😮

[A User]

no, I mean that like I've never had a genuine crush; its mainly been just me wanting to fit in and all

like I'm 13, never experienced any relationships or desires, just me wanting to be friends with people.

"people crush on me, i dont to them" is what ive learned.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

7 minutes ago, A User said:

no, I mean that like I've never had a genuine crush; its mainly been just me wanting to fit in and all

like I'm 13, never experienced any relationships or desires, just me wanting to be friends with people.

"people crush on me, i dont to them" is what ive learned.

 Some crush early, while some don't. You have time to explore and see how you feel about relationships throughout your time in school, and beyond that as well. Some explore when they're in college too.

The most important is to be true to yourself. If you don't want a relationship for now, then you don't have to.

Crushes aren't needed for relationships, too, it can just be about finding someone you like and wanting to be closer to them and then maybe it feels like you'd like to take it beyond friendship. My advice is to not jump into anything you don't feel good with. Just because others are crushing already and wanting relationships doesn't mean you have to.

I think everyone's capable of love, but on this site we have people who are aromantic and they're not interested romantically in someone, they just want close friendships. Everyone's different. You just have to find how you like to be over time, and seeing what label fits will make more sense once you know  more (about yourself and how you feel).

 

[A User]

Just now, Sarah-Sylvia said:

and seeing what label fits will make more sense once you know  more (about yourself and how you feel).

i still really feel asexual/aromantic fits, like really. i feel it kinda describes me

but if anything, gender fluctuates, so....

[Sarah-Sylvia]

5 minutes ago, A User said:

i still really feel asexual/aromantic fits, like really. i feel it kinda describes me

but if anything, gender fluctuates, so....

It's that all kids are essentially asexual until they get sexual feelings. And interest in relationship takes a bit of maturity too.

It can take up to being 17 years old to have the sexual feelings in some cases, and even longer for a few. For romance it really varies, and maybe sometimes it takes to meet someone that stirs them.

Some decide that they know enough when they're young, for different reasons, but often it's by comparing themselves with others, like their friends who do have those feelings. But everyone matures differently still, and we do get quite a few people who thought they were asexual and then found out they could be sexual later on when they're old enough (for them.)

That doesn't mean you can't gain from considering yourself on the spectrum, but it's good to keep open too, because there's always more to us that we can discover, especially when we're young. Like I mentioned, it's good to be true to how you feel, so if you don't feel sexual or romantic for now, there's nothing wrong with that. You just have to be yourself.

[riskygamble]

I'm trying my best and also learning as I go along, so I apologize if I'm not clear. I'm very happy to have AVEN as a resource as I'm learning more about asexuality and also how it aligns with my identity and would like to throw some questions out there. How would one differentiate between low libido and grey-asexuality? From what I've been reading on, grey-asexuality is the closest asexual identity that resonates with me, but I'm still in the questioning phase. For example, especially as a gay guy, I've never been interested in hookup culture and find it very mystifying as to its appeal and especially its prevalence within gay culture. Same goes for FWB or hookups regardless of sexuality/gender, why people engage in them, etc. However I still experience some degree of arousal and attraction but it's only really with my partner and even then its very fleeting. Would most grey-a identifying people resonate with feeling pretty nonchalant about sex/sexual attraction/activity? 

 

Even in some hypothetical world where I had a higher libido, I can't imagine myself wanting to pursue sexual activity, but it's really hard for me to say because that's not really something I've experienced. And I would think there's probably some asexual-identifying people with high libidos which makes the libido argument null, but again I'm just trying to figure some thoughts out. 

[Snao Cone]

1 hour ago, riskygamble said:

How would one differentiate between low libido and grey-asexuality?

I think you sort of answered this question in your second paragraph:

 

1 hour ago, riskygamble said:

Even in some hypothetical world where I had a higher libido, I can't imagine myself wanting to pursue sexual activity

People with low libido who would want sex if they had it in them to do it would be further along in the sexual direction, because there's something within them that wants to express sexuality in some way that their body is limiting. If you don't think it would make a difference in whether/how much you want to have sex with your partner, then it's not the primary factor in your sexual choices. Asexuality as an orientation means that the person is fundamentally not inclined towards sex with other people, regardless of their endocrinology. If you don't think your hormones or libido or whatever other physical barrier there may be would change this, then it's likely your orientation.

 

If you feel some minor and fleeting arousal/attraction that ultimately doesn't translate into actively wanting sex with your partner, then I think that puts you pretty solidly in the grey area. Even setting aside the hypersexual stereotype/culture for gay men, it sounds like you're far closer to asexual people than the typical sexual person of any gender/orientation. I doubt that it comes down to libido for you, from what you've shared.

[ReconciledDL]

Hi, I'm new here. I'm actually new to the asexual umbrella scene, too. Backstory time! WoO! (Because I'm also trying to figure it out as I type, soooo.)

 

A few days ago, I had a really long, good conversation with a close friend about asexuality. She told me a little over a year ago that she thought she might be aromantic, and I finally broached the subject with her again. She gave me a lot of information about what it means to be asexual/aromantic/etc, and as we talked some things started to click. They clicked in a big way. The day after our talk, I swear I'd never felt so light and free before. So it got me thinking, and here I am.

I have always been a person that leads with my heart. Going back to as early as 5 years old, I remember having "crushes" on boys. I almost always dove into each crush headfirst, too (although there have been only a handful in my 20-something years, since I usually stuck with one when I found a good "match"). For just as long as I've had crushes on boys, I've also craved romance and a deep, understanding love. I want someone to hold my hand, to kiss me, to love me for who I am. I also find males attractive on a fairly regular basis. I'm partial to the tall, dark, and handsome cliche.

Upon reflection, however, nothing about my crushes have ever felt very sexual. I've almost always felt very uncomfortable when people start talking about sex around me. My family says I'm a prude. I said I avoided talking about it because I didn't want to end up addicted to porn like my father was (that's another long backstory, but the gist is that his addiction ruined my parents' marriage and made him a rage-aholic). But after my conversation with my friend the other day, I really started thinking about it. Was I avoiding it for the reason I said? I'm not sure. I'll read "erotica" on occasion, and it's more the emotional connection stuff that gets to me.

I've done a little bit of experimenting with masturbation in the past, and while the nerves work, emotionally I'm "meh" about it. Pretty sure I've never climaxed either, as I feel it gets too annoying to keep going. I've read "tutorials" on how best to masturbate, and a lot of places suggested playing with boobs at the same time. That never enticed me. It's penetration that's the absolute worst, though. I said to my friend the other day "the only thing I want going in that hole is a tampon." And that's mostly for convenience. I'm not a big fan, but it controls the monthly mess, if you get me.

Lastly, and this one is the hardest thing for me, I'm ABDL. Mostly on the DL side of things. I have a blog. You can read it if you want, idk. Anyway, if you know anything about the ABDL scene, or have watched TV shows that depict it, most of what you see/read/hear is that it's a sexual fetish. For me, it's rarely been sexual, but I've struggled with knowing whether that was me trying to convince myself or not. So yeah, complicated backstory.

I guess I'm still trying to figure out if the sex-aversion thing places me in this umbrella of asexuality. I imagine that if I found someone that I could forge a deep connection with, I would participate in sex with him, but right now the idea is still "meh." I'll do it if he wants, but I don't think I'll find enjoyment in it. So maybe that makes me demisexual? IDK. Like I said, still trying to understand it myself. 

Sorry for the wall of text.