Questions about Gray-Sexuality

[Demi Dad]

welcome @Mindscape Tormentit does sound like you are  hetero demisexual but it not up to me it is how you see your self. we all found  the label that describes us some time it fits well some time we add to it fit us better. take your time educate your self on who you are on the  Asexual scale  and be happy in the knowledge that you are not alone so again welcome and while you learn have some 🍰

[Guest DesertWells]

I believe I’m demisexual. I have a sex drive, I have the capacity to find someone sexually attractive (if I first come to admire them), and I am a sexual person.

 

My problem is, I can get along with someone, and I can of course aesthetically appreciate them, but I’m just not motivated to get to know them better - I never give myself chance to build the connection I need.

My mind is completely switched off to investing in people who don’t actively invest in me first. That is my fault for sure, but it’s not a conscious decision I’m making.

 

Is it a demisexual trait, or is this something else? Is it a trust issue? Am I just antisocial?

 

@Spiderman

What do you mean by ‘attraction’?

When you saw at those men, did you feel anything, i.e. were you sexually attracted to them? Or, did you simply appreciate their aesthetic quality, e.g. the same way you can appreciate a good drawing?

[Fripster]

Hi I am a 17 year-old dude who recently found out I might be gray.

 

Now, I am in two minds because I have had a relationship before (which I ended because I don't feel attracted to her anymore). But I had and still have a strong bond with my now ex.

 

Now here's the thing... I am the only one in my group of friends that still is a virgin and honestly I don't care, I am not looking for anything, I've got my right hand that does the job right? "What's the thing about sex?" I often ask myself

 

Now here comes the real thing. People often tell me I'm handsome. Okay, fine. But now there's this girl who is close to being my best friend. And I know that she's into me. And it scares me (I guess?). Of makes me push her away even though everyone I know thinks she's attractive. I can see she's Nice to look at, and as I mentioned earlier we get along really, extremely well.

 

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT I AM/WHAT I AM DOING/WHAT I MIGHT BE?

(Note:I found out about 10 days ago that I could be gray)

[Snao Cone]

On 10/18/2018 at 3:39 PM, Fripster said:

Hi I am a 17 year-old dude who recently found out I might be gray.

 

Now, I am in two minds because I have had a relationship before (which I ended because I don't feel attracted to her anymore). But I had and still have a strong bond with my now ex.

 

Now here's the thing... I am the only one in my group of friends that still is a virgin and honestly I don't care, I am not looking for anything, I've got my right hand that does the job right? "What's the thing about sex?" I often ask myself

 

Now here comes the real thing. People often tell me I'm handsome. Okay, fine. But now there's this girl who is close to being my best friend. And I know that she's into me. And it scares me (I guess?). Of makes me push her away even though everyone I know thinks she's attractive. I can see she's Nice to look at, and as I mentioned earlier we get along really, extremely well.

 

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT I AM/WHAT I AM DOING/WHAT I MIGHT BE?

(Note:I found out about 10 days ago that I could be gray)

Hello and welcome!

 

Based on the information given, it's definitely possible you may be grey (or even asexual with an appreciation for the aesthetic). But it's also possible that you might discover you're sexual when you're in certain circumstances - in either case, you should be true to yourself and go by your best judgment of what you genuinely want. Don't force yourself into anything you don't feel any desire to get into, and be honest with the other person, especially if you're such close friends. There's nothing wrong with saying "Hey, just so you know, I'm not interested in anything sexual. In fact I think I might be in the grey area, closer to asexual than sexual. I discovered that when [insert your story of coming across this information and introspection]." It's not like you're lying or copping out or rejecting her. You're just being upfront with someone you care about regarding a subject that is very relevant to your friendship, given the circumstances you've outlined here. It doesn't need to be blurted out with force. Just keep yourself equipped to discuss it in case a conversation drifts into that territory.

[Fluffy Femme Guy]

On 10/18/2018 at 3:39 PM, Fripster said:

I am the only one in my group of friends that still is a virgin and honestly I don't care, I am not looking for anything, I've got my right hand that does the job right? "What's the thing about sex?" I often ask myself

 

Now here comes the real thing. People often tell me I'm handsome. Okay, fine. But now there's this girl who is close to being my best friend. And I know that she's into me. And it scares me (I guess?). Of makes me push her away even though everyone I know thinks she's attractive. I can see she's Nice to look at, and as I mentioned earlier we get along really, extremely well.

Be glad you actually know about the possibility of being gray or ace.

I actually had a somewhat similar situation back in highschool, except I ended up in a relationship with the girl in question.
It was pretty okay until she made it clear that she wanted sex with me. I just shut down and closed off in some kind of mortified shock.
I could barely speak to her after that (it made me so anxious and terrified), and we broke up very soon afterwards.

I am NOT trying to scare you. Your reaction might not be like that, (in fact I hope it's not) but I thought it might be a good to warn you about the possibility.

[Pope Mobile]

Hi! I'm still figuring myself out, but until now demisexuality is the best label to describe myself. Although reading some posts in this thread i get some questions: Whats the relation of sexual attraction and desire, can it be so close that you can just feel one feeling the other? Demisexuals can just not feel desire unless in specific situations, or it just applies for attraction? Can a demisexual be in a relationship without sex at all, even if that person have desire for the partner?  i had a relationship ( fast tho, like 2 months) and i developed sexual attraction and sexual desire for my partner . Although, she didnt want to have sex, and i felt comfortable with that, and i think i could have a relationship without sex at all and feel ok with it, that means i'm closer to the asexual side in the spectrum? Ps: Sorry for the bad english

[Snao Cone]

1 hour ago, Pope Mobile said:

Whats the relation of sexual attraction and desire, can it be so close that you can just feel one feeling the other? 

I think most people see them as very similar and intertwined. Attraction is basically the desire to act upon desire based on certain criteria. 

 

1 hour ago, Pope Mobile said:

Demisexuals can just not feel desire unless in specific situations, or it just applies for attraction?

A lot of the sexual people who are members of AVEN have said they don't feel sexual attraction as separate from other kinds of attraction. Their attraction is sexual because it's part of who they are and what they want from a relationship. If you feel attracted to a partner in a general sense (romantic and/or aesthetic and/or sensual) but feel no desire (physically or mentally) to be sexually intimate with them, then that could still be asexual. 

 

1 hour ago, Pope Mobile said:

Can a demisexual be in a relationship without sex at all, even if that person have desire for the partner?  i had a relationship ( fast tho, like 2 months) and i developed sexual attraction and sexual desire for my partner . Although, she didnt want to have sex, and i felt comfortable with that, and i think i could have a relationship without sex at all and feel ok with it, that means i'm closer to the asexual side in the spectrum?

I can see why this would lead you to want to identify as close to the asexual end of the spectrum. It seems that your sexual attraction/desire is sparse and not significant enough to guide your relationship needs. That's a common reason for people to identify as grey. Do you prefer relationships with asexual people because of this, or do you think you'd be fine in a relationship with a sexual person you've become attracted who wanted regular sex? I think if you prefer ace relationships it's more beneficial to identify as grey. Demisexual might imply that you could get to the point of wanting sex, which might make asexual folks less comfortable with what the relationship's direction may be. 

[gillebro]

Hello everybody. Slight TMI warning.

 

So, I've been researching asexuality for a fanfic I'm writing (because, regardless of whether the musings I'm about to lay out mean anything or not, I believe in representation in fandom and if nobody else is going to write an asexual character then goddamn it I will), and as I've been reading about different types of asexuality and the spectrum and all the rest, I've started to question things about myself. Inevitable, I guess. And I am hoping some people here could give me insight.

 

So. I'm turning 30 next year, and I've never had sex or been in a romantic relationship. This bums/stresses me out, and I have no doubt that part of that comes from societal expectations (I've always disliked being 'behind' everyone else, in all areas of life)/wanting to be a mother someday (as they say, 'tick tick')/being an unattractive person (something that is impossible for me to say without sounding like I have really low self-esteem, but I can assure you my self-esteem is fine. I just... know what 'attractive' is and understand, in a detached, almost-academic way, that I don't fit that bill). I've had crushes on people before, and I fantasise often about falling in love, getting married, and feeling emotionally close to another person... so I have no doubt that I am romantic. Biromantic, in fact.

 

But the sex bit is confusing to me.

 

Leaving aside how stressed out I feel about being a virgin at my age, I want to lay out my feelings towards sex and get some opinions on whether I could be gray-A, or just shy/timid/concerned about what people think of my appearance/whatever else. Ahem. So, I definitely have a libido. I masturbate and enjoy it. But I don't do it very often (maybe once or twice a month?), and when I'm lying in bed and thinking 'should I...?', more than half the time I end up going 'nah, I'd rather get to sleep earlier', or 'it's too inconvenient tonight', or whatever else. I always thought that was normal, and, surely, most people would quite happily/easily prioritise getting a full night's sleep over having an orgasm most of the time. But, from what I've gathered, my attitude is more unusual than I thought.

 

I can also watch or read erotica and get aroused by it, but, again, I don't choose to do it very often. I read a fair bit of fanfic, but most of the time I will watch/read the sex scene with bored detachment, or I think 'to hell with this' and skip it. If I read it and get aroused, I'll generally just continue on reading and let myself 'calm down' naturally. I figured that most people only felt the 'need' to do this a couple of times a month, and if they ran across something erotic any other time, they also would observe with bored detachment or skip it. So when I hear that most people go in for this sort of thing multiple times a week, every week, I'm there thinking 'so, how on earth do you get anything else in life done?' 

 

As for the concept of me having sex with other people... I've had crushes on people, like I say. But when I think back on them, and on my life/thoughts in general, I very rarely fantasise about having sex with them. I fantasise about hugging them/kissing them/touching them without feeling remotely uncomfortable or awkward (I have touch issues unrelated to this), but I've probably only properly imagined myself having sex with, maybe, four people?

 

Lastly, when presented with the 'food or sex?' question, my answer is always food. Even when I'm at my most aroused, if there's a tasty chocolate cake that I suddenly have access to, nine times out of ten I would head for the dining room rather than the bedroom. Maybe I'm too in love with food?

 

I realise this post is very long, so if you've gotten this far, thanks for taking the time to read it. Does anybody have any words of wisdom for me? I don't know if I necessarily need to identify myself concretely, but I'm definitely intrigued to know how my experiences differ from other people's.

[Collies]

Im confused about who i am. Ive always been aware im slightly different. Never been a tactile person. Holding hands and cuddling just feels awakward to me. I dont think ive initiated sex more than a few times in my life

Sex has never been important to me. I get everything i need from an emotional connection

Its not like i actively dislike sex (i think), i just never want it, my body responds, but I never ‘lose myself’ in it, usually just thinking ‘hurry up and finish’

Ive been in love, ive cared deeply for people. Even someone who was almost physical perfection, but still - nothing

My ideal relationship is being in love with my best friend. And we would kiss and hug and hold hands, but thats it

Im trying to figure out who/what i am. 

I dont care if its not correct anymore, i WANT my label, i need to know where i belong

[Snao Cone]

9 hours ago, gillebro said:

Hello everybody. Slight TMI warning.

 

So, I've been researching asexuality for a fanfic I'm writing (because, regardless of whether the musings I'm about to lay out mean anything or not, I believe in representation in fandom and if nobody else is going to write an asexual character then goddamn it I will), and as I've been reading about different types of asexuality and the spectrum and all the rest, I've started to question things about myself. Inevitable, I guess. And I am hoping some people here could give me insight.

 

So. I'm turning 30 next year, and I've never had sex or been in a romantic relationship. This bums/stresses me out, and I have no doubt that part of that comes from societal expectations (I've always disliked being 'behind' everyone else, in all areas of life)/wanting to be a mother someday (as they say, 'tick tick')/being an unattractive person (something that is impossible for me to say without sounding like I have really low self-esteem, but I can assure you my self-esteem is fine. I just... know what 'attractive' is and understand, in a detached, almost-academic way, that I don't fit that bill). I've had crushes on people before, and I fantasise often about falling in love, getting married, and feeling emotionally close to another person... so I have no doubt that I am romantic. Biromantic, in fact.

 

But the sex bit is confusing to me.

 

Leaving aside how stressed out I feel about being a virgin at my age, I want to lay out my feelings towards sex and get some opinions on whether I could be gray-A, or just shy/timid/concerned about what people think of my appearance/whatever else. Ahem. So, I definitely have a libido. I masturbate and enjoy it. But I don't do it very often (maybe once or twice a month?), and when I'm lying in bed and thinking 'should I...?', more than half the time I end up going 'nah, I'd rather get to sleep earlier', or 'it's too inconvenient tonight', or whatever else. I always thought that was normal, and, surely, most people would quite happily/easily prioritise getting a full night's sleep over having an orgasm most of the time. But, from what I've gathered, my attitude is more unusual than I thought.

 

I can also watch or read erotica and get aroused by it, but, again, I don't choose to do it very often. I read a fair bit of fanfic, but most of the time I will watch/read the sex scene with bored detachment, or I think 'to hell with this' and skip it. If I read it and get aroused, I'll generally just continue on reading and let myself 'calm down' naturally. I figured that most people only felt the 'need' to do this a couple of times a month, and if they ran across something erotic any other time, they also would observe with bored detachment or skip it. So when I hear that most people go in for this sort of thing multiple times a week, every week, I'm there thinking 'so, how on earth do you get anything else in life done?' 

 

As for the concept of me having sex with other people... I've had crushes on people, like I say. But when I think back on them, and on my life/thoughts in general, I very rarely fantasise about having sex with them. I fantasise about hugging them/kissing them/touching them without feeling remotely uncomfortable or awkward (I have touch issues unrelated to this), but I've probably only properly imagined myself having sex with, maybe, four people?

 

Lastly, when presented with the 'food or sex?' question, my answer is always food. Even when I'm at my most aroused, if there's a tasty chocolate cake that I suddenly have access to, nine times out of ten I would head for the dining room rather than the bedroom. Maybe I'm too in love with food?

 

I realise this post is very long, so if you've gotten this far, thanks for taking the time to read it. Does anybody have any words of wisdom for me? I don't know if I necessarily need to identify myself concretely, but I'm definitely intrigued to know how my experiences differ from other people's.

Hi and welcome

 

I can relate to a lot of this, specifically the bolded parts. One difference with me is that I have had sex before - but not like a "normal" person would, as I had to really force myself into the circumstances to do so. It didn't come naturally to me. I often needed alcohol and the comfort of knowing I'd never see the other person again before I could overcome the inside resistance. At first I convinced myself it was because I was afraid how my body would be judged, because in my earlier years I did have low self-esteem issues. It was when I entered my 30s and started to gain more self-confidence/give fewer fucks that I realized I just didn't like/want/need/feel at all inclined to pursue sex outside of societal expectations and fitting an image of a "liberated" woman. I've come to the conclusion that I'm asexual. I'm also aromantic, so I don't have the experience or desire to fall in romantic love with a person, so our circumstances do vary there. I think it's reasonable for you to identify as asexual, or grey, or questioning, depending on how comfortable you are with using definitive language. You might turn out to be demisexual, if you meet the right person. But in any case, you do sound like you're in the right place here on AVEN.

[Fluffy Femme Guy]

These are statements rather than questions, but I'm posting them here because I've seen questions about them before.

"If you fantasize and/or masturbate, but don't crave/need/desire sex with someone else, you are still an ace."
"Aces can have kinks and/or fetishes."

[dragonharpy]

A question for grey-aces (maybe for demisexuals and asexuals too?). 

 

Do any of you feel a bit of sexual attraction but hit a kind of brick wall? For me, whenever I see a guy I find to be "cute" (which is about 1% of the male population, which is another reason I think I might be grey or demi) I start to feel a warm, tingly, strong feeling, and then... nothing.  I try to imagine having sex with them, and the idea of making out with them fully clothed and maybe, maybe some foreplay feels good for maybe a second, but then, once I get into the logistics of full-on sex, it all stops and goes away. Even the nice, making-out fantasy stops being nice if I connect it to sex. Still... things get pretty hot there for a second. It's what confuses me most about figuring out my sexuality. Am I feeling sexual attraction for these guys? If so, why do I balk at the sex part? I'm not scared of it, and I was never taught that it was a bad thing. I'm just extremely extremely disinterested in it, which sounds asexual, but can I really call myself that if I get this feeling, whatever it is.

[Pope Mobile]

On 11/10/2018 at 2:58 AM, dragonharpy said:

A question for grey-aces (maybe for demisexuals and asexuals too?). 

 

Do any of you feel a bit of sexual attraction but hit a kind of brick wall? For me, whenever I see a guy I find to be "cute" (which is about 1% of the male population, which is another reason I think I might be grey or demi) I start to feel a warm, tingly, strong feeling, and then... nothing.  I try to imagine having sex with them, and the idea of making out with them fully clothed and maybe, maybe some foreplay feels good for maybe a second, but then, once I get into the logistics of full-on sex, it all stops and goes away. Even the nice, making-out fantasy stops being nice if I connect it to sex. Still... things get pretty hot there for a second. It's what confuses me most about figuring out my sexuality. Am I feeling sexual attraction for these guys? If so, why do I balk at the sex part? I'm not scared of it, and I was never taught that it was a bad thing. I'm just extremely extremely disinterested in it, which sounds asexual, but can I really call myself that if I get this feeling, whatever it is.

I think the point here is not that youhave some kind of hidden sexual attraction. What you've described matchs more with some kind or sensual attraction for people that u find aesthetic attractive and/or interesting. Sensual attraction is a type of attraction  that is related with sensual contact with another people, like hugs, cuddling and things like that, intimal contact without sexual desires or sexual acts. Although i'm kinda new here and can be wrong about sensual attraction, thats whats fits best according to what you posted imo. I'm a grey-ace but can't relate much in ur question because i dont have sensual attraction most or the time, but your point seems valid.

[wonderflonium]

Hey @dragonharpy,

 

I can relate to that - and I'd agree with what @Pope Mobile said about sensual attraction. I usually feel some sensual attraction to those I find aesthetically pleasing, and that's definitely why it took me so long to figure out I was grey. I used to think this was sexual attraction, but as you described - at a certain point there's a big ol' wall where suddenly that inclination just stops.

[Snao Cone]

On 11/9/2018 at 10:58 PM, dragonharpy said:

A question for grey-aces (maybe for demisexuals and asexuals too?). 

 

Do any of you feel a bit of sexual attraction but hit a kind of brick wall? For me, whenever I see a guy I find to be "cute" (which is about 1% of the male population, which is another reason I think I might be grey or demi) I start to feel a warm, tingly, strong feeling, and then... nothing.  I try to imagine having sex with them, and the idea of making out with them fully clothed and maybe, maybe some foreplay feels good for maybe a second, but then, once I get into the logistics of full-on sex, it all stops and goes away. Even the nice, making-out fantasy stops being nice if I connect it to sex. Still... things get pretty hot there for a second. It's what confuses me most about figuring out my sexuality. Am I feeling sexual attraction for these guys? If so, why do I balk at the sex part? I'm not scared of it, and I was never taught that it was a bad thing. I'm just extremely extremely disinterested in it, which sounds asexual, but can I really call myself that if I get this feeling, whatever it is.

I get where you're coming from with this. The idea of making out with people seems okay to me, but when I start it's always disappointing. Before I really learned about asexuality I sometimes tried to convince myself that I would be excited about sex if I bothered trying it, but that failed to be the case on multiple occasions. The disinterest could very well be asexuality. Sexual attraction is very often a manifestation of an innate drive to engage in sex with a partner on whatever basis - romantic feelings, physical urges, emotional needs, etc. If you have no innate drive to engage in sex with a partner, then you may fit the definition (which of course you will know better than anyone else, as these are deeply intrinsic feelings).

 

If you want to identify as grey because of the spark at the start of sensual activity, you could use that to explain your orientation to people if they ever ask why you're ace if you like making out with guys you think are cute. Making out is seen as a sexual activity by sexual people because it's foreplay. Foreplay literally means activity leading up to sex. If you're never going to want it to lead up to sex, it's not quite the same thing for you as it is to most sexual people.

[changescoming]

Hiya, I'm new to AVEN and am super overwhelmed by everything so I'm just going to ask here and so sorry if what I'm asking has it's own forum. Basically, all I'm looking for is some clarification in the sense that I can feel sexually attracted to someone but lose it the second any actually tries to act sexually with me. Like I can see a girl and we could make out but the second it seems it's going anywhere else I'm suddenly turned off and would rather just cuddle or something. I'm also not against sex because the idea of pleasing someone I love doesn't bother me much and I don't know if I'm just insecure or if that is a greysexual/demisexual thing? I don't know I'm just really confused and don't need a label but feel like it would just be helpful. Sorry if this makes no sense! 

[Snao Cone]

6 minutes ago, vainxsaints said:

Hiya, I'm new to AVEN and am super overwhelmed by everything so I'm just going to ask here and so sorry if what I'm asking has it's own forum. Basically, all I'm looking for is some clarification in the sense that I can feel sexually attracted to someone but lose it the second any actually tries to act sexually with me. Like I can see a girl and we could make out but the second it seems it's going anywhere else I'm suddenly turned off and would rather just cuddle or something. I'm also not against sex because the idea of pleasing someone I love doesn't bother me much and I don't know if I'm just insecure or if that is a greysexual/demisexual thing? I don't know I'm just really confused and don't need a label but feel like it would just be helpful. Sorry if this makes no sense! 

Hi, and welcome

 

If you're just simply not into sexual things beyond making out - as in it doesn't feel like a natural extension of your desires to get more intimate - then you may be asexual. Some people might prefer a grey qualifier if they are into sensual things that are very much tied in with sex/foreplay (such as making out) but you could also simply be asexual and into things like kissing and cuddling. Asexual people can also be willing to have sex with partners if it pleases them, but it's just not an intrinsic thing.

 

Being demisexual means that after a strong bond is formed, you may be sexually attracted to/desire sex with a specific person, but outside of those rare bonds you are similar to asexual people. Have you ever been at the point where with one person you felt like you intrinsically desired sex with them? That would be demisexual, but a willingness to compromise with someone you really care about because the sex doesn't bug you and they're worth it isn't necessarily demi.

 

A question worth asking if you think it might be an insecurity thing is do you feel any gaps in your satisfaction/intimacy/how you express yourself towards partners by not having sex with them? I thought my lack of sex life was mostly due to insecurity, but when I had an attractive person I liked very much naked in front of me and believe I deserved it I didn't felt no natural inclination to proceed. This is why it took me until I was 30 to really think about this - it was once I could rule out my own lack of confidence that I realized I wasn't having sex because I didn't want it, instead of not being good enough for it or comfortable enough with it.

[graceornot]

Hello! I just joined so pardon me if I'm breaking any format rules. I recently discovered what graysexuality is, and until a couple of days ago I had no idea that what I experience is shared by others too. I've never felt attracted to conventionally "hot" people (I'm also demisexual), I'm also never ever aroused looking at dicks or vaginas.  The whole concept of sex has just sort of repulsed me in the past (although I still like making out or being intimate with my boyfriend). I'm still a little confused though, because till now I always thought it was a biological thing. I love my boyfriend very much and I do feel sensually attracted to him, but I was never able to have sex with him because I've never been aroused enough. I have some health issues and so I thought, perhaps it's a biological issue. But now that I think of it, I've often found myself "bored" when we tried to have sex. Bored, nervous, and just wanting to get it done. That's not what it should feel like, right? Anyway, I guess this post is just to reiterate to myself that it has to do with me being graysexual and is not a physical issue.

[ZafraD]

On 6/30/2018 at 7:20 PM, nemoralis said:

 

 We'd talked about her celebrity crushes earlier, and...she couldn't quite "get" that I really didn't have any. I mean...I see people in the movies and on TV who I know are attractive. I even like looking at them. But...well, again, the engine just doesn't start up. It goes as far as acknowledging the aesthetic pleasingness of such people, and then stopping. If I fantasize about anything, it's just...touching. I mean, it's maybe somewhat intimate touching, but I really don't have a lot of fantsies about going all the way. And usually I end up fantasizing about fictional characters. I think my brain gets in the way of fantasizing about real people by dismissing the prospect as "unrealistic." (Yes, I know what "fantasy" means. Just that my brain won't shut up about it, and that sort of kills it.)

 

And all in all, I'm just sort of confused. And a little lonely and touch-hungry sometimes. (It seems really hard to find satisfying physical touch without there being a sexual motivation behind it out there, in general.)

 

I'm curious what other people think.

Hello all. And, I think you're me, in dude form. Seriously, aside of having had a whopping 1 relationship and sex w/ that person, this is my experience. I'm divorced now and here because after wondering why I wasn't 'putting myself out there' and all that other societal pressure stuff, I realized it was because I didn't care. I never cared prior to him, and despite being the instigator of our relationship back then, and teenagers, it still took almost a year before we had sex for the first time. I too, don't have any celebrity crushes and would never need a 'pass' because I would be creeped-out if any stranger asked to have sex with me, celebrity or otherwise. Also, heck yes to the fictional characters. They act exactly the way I want/need them to is I think a big part of that. Plus, these are fleshed-out characters I have enjoyed from books/movies/games and I "know" them way better than most people I hang around on a daily basis. So it makes sense. 

Hope it helps to know you're not alone even if I can't offer much other help. Still journeying myself.

[Augusto]

Hi! I'm 17 and a questioning graysexual.

My whole life I haven't quite had any worries about sexuality. In fact, about two years ago I started thinking that maybe sexuality doesn't play much of a role in my life, even though I think I experience sexual attraction ocasionally.

About a year ago I got in a relationship, and it was great, but ended because she wasn't willing to go long distance (I had to move for studying purposes). We were together for four or five months, and, as a virgin, the curiosity was the thing that most moved me through our sexual experiences, but not even that was enough for me to actually engage sex with her.

Then I started questioning my sexuality. A friend that was a little into me was really understanding and is  helping me a lot along the experience. I wanted to experience everything, but each step we moved forward, I just kept thinking "wow what was the hype all about?". Turns out that I really did not enjoy almost every part of the experience, but I still had some drive to it, no idea why. I can see no reason why I would want to do something that doesn't give me barely any pleasure. But I might have got it.

I don't think that my drive is for sex per se. I think it is about having someone willing to do it with me, someone who is confortable doing something so intimate with me, about giving pleasure to someone I love. 

I don't know if that fits in the definition of graysexual of most people, but reading the forums, I don't think there is a better word to describe how I feel about sex.

 

Edited February 12, 2019 by Augusto

[Snao Cone]

2 hours ago, Augusto said:

Hi! I'm 17 and a questioning graysexual.

My whole life I haven't quite had any worries about sexuality. In fact, about two years ago I started thinking that maybe sexuality doesn't play much of a role in my life, even though I think I experience sexual attraction ocasionally.

About a year ago I got in a relationship, and it was great, but ended because she wasn't willing to go long distance (I had to move for studying purposes). We were together for four or five months, and, as a virgin, the curiosity was the thing that most moved me through our sexual experiences, but not even that was enough for me to actually engage sex with her.

Then I started questioning my sexuality. A friend that was a little into me was really understanding and is  helping me a lot along the experience. I wanted to experience everything, but each step we moved forward, I just kept thinking "wow what was the hype all about?". Turns out that I really did not enjoy almost every part of the experience, but I still had some drive to it, no idea why. I can see no reason why I would want to do something that doesn't give me barely any pleasure. But I might have got it.

I don't think that my drive is for sex per se. I think it is about having someone willing to do it with me, someone who is confortable doing something so intimate with me, about giving pleasure to someone I love. 

I don't know if that fits in the definition of graysexual of most people, but reading the forums, I don't think there is a better word to describe how I feel about sex.

 

Hi and welcome! It sounds like your experiences are compatible with the concept of greysexuality - you may infrequently experience something resembling sexual attraction or a desire to engage sexually with another person, but your overall experience and disposition towards sex more closely align with asexuality than the majority of sexual people.

 

I hope you find helpful information on AVEN. You're at an age where you may start to feel more pressure to live up to expectations of "normal" sexuality, but there's nothing wrong with greysexuality. Go by what you genuinely want to do. 

[gingerfennec]

On 9/27/2017 at 7:05 AM, QueenCrystal said:

Hello! I am currently questioning if I am Graysexual. Graysexuality is an umbrella term from what I heard for individuals that live between the Ace and Sexual Spectrum. For me personally I have experienced sexual attraction, but I have always not considered it to be enough to act on them. Like I wanted to wait until marriage because sex would require to much maintenance or something of that nature. And currently it just doesn't feel as important to me anymore. I was wondering if anyone can relate or give me advice?

(I know this is from a year and a half ago but it could be relevant to someone else) 

I'm in that same boat right now and it's why I keep finding myself turning to the "gray" aspect of it. It is sort of there in the background but never enough that it becomes worth the energy. You aren't alone. Just keep doing what makes you happy at the time. 

[YourAverageAsexual]

Hello, i'm Grey-Asexual.

 

My friends ask me if i'm not straight because i'm Asexual but i'm not sure if you are asexual that means your not straight.

 

Thanks for reading 🙂

 

 

[Snao Cone]

2 minutes ago, YourAverageAsexual said:

Hello, i'm Grey-Asexual.

 

My friends ask me if i'm not straight because i'm Asexual but i'm not sure if you are asexual that means your not straight.

 

Thanks for reading 🙂

 

 

Hi and welcome! Some ace or grey people might still consider themselves "straight" if they're heteroromantic or whatever sexuality they do experience is towards an opposite gender. Labels of sexual orientations are adopted primarily for communicating what gender we're attracted to. If your greyness leaves you with basically no intent to pursue relationships, then calling yourself "straight" serves no purpose. If you feel isolated enough from what the word "straight" implies, then, well...it wouldn't make sense to call yourself that. 

 

[YourAverageAsexual]

Thank you!

[willhelmina]

Hi Everyone,

 

 I am questioning if I am Grey-A (grey asexual). I know I am heteroromantic but am confused about the sexual side of things. I have been in a relationship for almost 6 years and I love him dearly, I am attracted to him, he is my best friend, I can’t imagine life without him although for the past almost 5 years we (aka I) have had sexual issues. When I was in my teens I found myself “sexually interested” and was curious trying things. We were both virgins when we started dating and  I was very sexually curious. About a year into the relationship we had sex and that’s about when the dynamic changed. I can get aroused, I can enjoy and partake in sex and have fantasies, but I never want to have sex. I could care less! I enjoy helping him feel intimate with me but honestly I would rather watch Netflix or do the dishes. I thought maybe I was on the pill too long and it was hormones but there was no difference when I went off it. I thought maybe childhood trauma had surfaced and caused me to shut off my sexual side? I thought that if I put in more effort things would magically change? I thought poor body image issues could be the issue? I maybe have a few sex dreams but never feel the need to actually act on anything except for maybe once in awhile? I have gone a month without sex and had wished it was longer. I love when my partner doesn’t talk about sex or is too tired that I don’t have to worry about trying to have sex. I am attracted to my partner but would rather just not have sex. It’s been frustrating trying to figure this out because my partner feels unattractive, like I am putting in no effort and that I can’t be bothered. It has been almost 5 years of headache and I need some sort of sense of this. I’m tired of feeling like I’m broken, like there’s something wrong with me, feeling like I’m a let down. I have come up with so many excuses but nothing has changed.

 

Please help if you have any input!

[Snao Cone]

Hi @willhelmina, and welcome! I can't speak much to the relationship side of things since I'm aro, but I can relate to a lot of what you've described in regards to sex. I can get aroused, I can have fantasies, and I've had sex, but it's never felt like it came to me naturally, and when I've been in the middle of it my mind thinks of much more mundane things I could be doing instead. I had terrible body image issues that had me in denial for my teens and 20s, so I ignored all of the signs that pointed towards asexuality for a long time. I thought I was broken, basically until I became convinced that I'm fuckable - but the reason I wasn't getting laid was because I didn't bother to, and the reason I didn't bother to was because I simply didn't want to.

 

When I first discovered AVEN and started to re-evaluate my a/sexuality, I first identified as grey based on aesthetic attraction and intellectual interest in sex. After a lot of discussion here on AVEN and elsewhere, I've decided to simply identify as asexual, because ultimately it comes down to how I'm naturally oriented: no matter how much I may like a person or their appearance, I do not feel naturally inclined to engage with anyone sexually.

 

How you identify is up to you. Labels are supposed to express simplified truths about ourselves. If you think using a grey label might help explain to your partner that you're attracted to them and enjoy sex to a degree, then that could be useful. You could also describe yourself as a sex-favourable asexual, meaning that you're not personally inclined towards sex to fulfill your own needs, but you are happy to find ways to satisfy a sexual partner. In either case, you're definitely not alone in feeling this way towards sex, as many people here on AVEN have been in similar boats to yours.

[rainbowocollie]

So I'm not 100% certain about my identity as demisexual. I think I'm at least effectively demi, since I don't really care about romance and I would need a close bond with someone for some time before I'd have any interest in getting into bed with them. Basically, since I don't care about romance for the most part, I will never, ever have sex unless one of those rare exceptions comes along.

I used to have an interest in sexuality, though mostly with fictional characters (imagining my ships doing the thing) and nothing really directed at real people. That said, I did used to think of sex as "something I'd like to have one day", so.....did I say that because something inside of me has that natural instinct, or just because? But let's say I start dating someone and we really click, would I be interested in sex after a brief "get to know them" period like most people, or would it take significantly longer for that interest to develop? I don't really know.

[Snao Cone]

@questdrivencollie I can see how demisexual would be a practical label for you. It tells people that you're not looking for sex, but it won't come as surprise that you'll want it if/when you find someone you really feel connected to.

[ModestFox]

I'm in the middle of the thread now, and I'm becoming more confident that my post (https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/187397-am-i-just-too-scared/) actually belongs here ^ ^' It would look ridiculously long, though, I suppose. And I see now it should also have a TMI warning.

I'll try to sum it up using the info I learnt so far:
I feel like I'm closer to the end of the spectrum that's opposite to asexual, if not out of the spectrum, despite some things I share with those on it. But I really can't say for sure, especially since I haven't had a chance to confirm my doubts and beliefs through practce.
It's fairly hard for me to even find people I would be interested in talking to, not to speak of finding a partner I could trust and be comfortable with and attracted to. I wonder if that makes me demisexual... I used to fall for people more easily, though. Now I guess I'm a lot more picky. But I do want a relationship.
I believe I have experienced all kinds of attraction.
There are particular sexual (and sensual) activities I totally want to do, or try, at least, and some I find undesirable for more than one reason. Sounds normal, since people have preferences, but unfortunately these ones are very common and are believed by many to be the very essence of sex... But the thing is, if you remove the factors that cause me to have negative feelings about them, I would be neutral or even willing to try.
However, I do struggle to think of what I would want to do with my partner, except my alleged favourites, and I'd rather leave it up to them and be passive overall, for now > . > And I have some issues with fantasies I explained in more detail in that post.