Questions about Gray-Sexuality

[dee615]

On 11/9/2017 at 5:27 AM, anlin said:

Hello,

I recognize myself here. I can think that people look very good and find them attractive but I don't want to do anything with them either. Fantasies occur for me very rarely but sometimes I dream that I engage in sexual activities, but it is often rather blurred. I feel really confused about the attraction - why do I feel it if I don't want to act on it? 

This part of the original post describes me 100% accurately. Actually, I had to sort of blink , take a deep breath, and read it twice to make sure *I* didn't write it!!

 

A further clarification - I've never had fantasies about strangers, and very few even about guys I was dating, even as I was dating them. Most of my fantasies are "blurry" ones about nameless men. 

[roland.o]

On 3/19/2018 at 6:32 PM, giordic saga said:

I couldn't maintain an erection during both  times. Could it be due to performance anxiety or just a lack of attraction?

Neither, I suppose. Spoilered for describing pornography...

Spoiler

I've watched a few porn scenes of bisexual encounters. One thing I observed is that all of the males receiving anal lost their erection during that time. I guess it's just a normal biological reaction.

 

On 3/19/2018 at 6:32 PM, giordic saga said:

I just didn't enjoy both experiences at all. [...] they weren't very gentle and i wasn't relaxing.

I suggest to not try again, unless you become interested in someone who takes enough care not to hurt you.

[Slightlyconfusedgal]

Hey lovely AVEN people,

I’m not entirely sure what my sexuality is (until recently I’d assumed I had a fairly average sex drive, now I think either I’m grey or just sexually inexperienced) but I just wanted to kind of ramble at you and outline my relationship with sex, if for no other reason than to find people with similar experiences.

So I definitely feel sensual attraction towards people. I’ve also had two relationships (both in the past year) and I’ve felt aroused on a good number of occasions by seeing/thinking about the person involved. I’m not actually sure if I’ve ever been aroused by someone I wasn’t in a relationship with, or at least it hasn’t happened often - I think I only allow myself to feel turned on by someone I perceive as romantically/aesthetically/sensually attractive when I know that they like me. Also, my arousal generally isn’t intense or long-lasting enough to translate into a desire for actual sex or masturbation. I’ve only masturbated a handful of times (as it were  ) and never orgasmed. I did use to fantasise about people as I went to sleep sometimes (although that was more romantic and sensual than actually sexual) and quite often I felt a vague abstract desire for some kind of stimulation, though it wasn’t that intense and I  didn’t translate it into an actual fantasy or into masturbation. 

When I first met Boyfriend No.1, I suddenly felt much more sexual: I couldn’t stop thinking about him and, even though the thought of losing my virginity terrified me, I felt a shapeless desire that made me feel animal, something I hadn’t really felt before. That kind of disappeared as I got to know him better and wasn’t able to idealise him in my head haha.

With the current boyfriend, I really like our relationship but I have almost never felt animal like that. We have started doing sexual activities and it’s a reasonably nice physical sesnsation and I get aroused to some extent, but it’s clearly nowhere near what he’s experiencing and tbh I prefer the nights when we just cuddle. I did once feel genuinely enthusiastic about sex, which was a night when I was feeling very emotional from things which had happened to me that day. 

One final thing is, I think I may have a kink, but I’m not sure whether that actually arouses me much more than anything else does, and I’m also slightly ashamed to explore it.

So that’s more or less my life story, sorry to talk at such length. I guess what I’m trying to work out is whether I naturally don’t get hugely aroused, or whether my experiences are fairly normal for an allosexual person new to sex, or whether I’m capable of feeling a lot of desire but I don’t allow myself to because it scares me. Probably the only way I’ll get answers is through living longer and gaining more experience. But I just wanted to see how my experiences matched up to other people’s. 

[Naamah]

Just wondering where I might fit in here (if at all).

 

I'm definitely drawn towards/attracted to a (very small) minority women, but that attraction is of a predominantly aesthetic character. There are sensual and romantic components to this attraction as well, but they are subordinate to the aesthetic component. Tertiary to all of these would be what I guess would be a sexual attraction, in that if the aesthetic/sensual components are present, then there will be some measure of physiological arousal on my part---albeit, not to a degree that is very appreciable most of the time.

 

I've also had (infrequent) sexual fantasies, but it would probably be more accurate to describe them as sensual fantasies than anything else. I've also watched pornography from time to time, but not in a "I wish I was there doing that" sort of way at all; in fact, for me the idea of actually participating in sex is something I feel a pretty strong aversion towards. I should also mention that I never have had sex, and apart from the associated social stigma, this doesn't bother me at all. It used to bother me a lot, though, that I had never been in a romantic relationship, but this has become less-and-less so over the years, largely due to coming to terms with the fact that I didn't want a lot of the real-world stuff that comes along with having a relationship (including sex).*

 

For almost as long as I have been interested in women, I have also wondered whether I was asexual, because I noticed very early on that I couldn't relate at all to the sort of locker-room talk of my male friends. However, since I would have to say sexual attraction to women does at least factor into an orientation which is nevertheless only sexual in a weak/tertiary way, then I don't think that label really fits. I also think that sex repulsion/low--absent libido probably plays a larger role than any lack of sexual attraction; although, again, I don't think that the level of sexual attraction I experience coincides with whatever the 'norm' might be, even though I can find myself powerfully attracted to certain women in the ways previously mentioned.

 

On that note, I came up with the following responses to this video, but as the author states, it could be due to sex repulsion OR asexuality, and I find myself not really being able to determine which it might be:

 

1. You never quite got over that thing where people thought sex was icky. YES

2. Sex-related plots in TV or film annoy you, or make you bored, or irritate you. YES

3. You feel like people are lying about how much they want to have sex, or when they describe sexual attraction you feel like they're being a little bit over the top. YES

4. Sex is just 'meh' to you. You've never wanted it, but you've never disliked it. YES (although I would say that I have/do disliked it)

5. When you hear the definitions for terms like 'asexual,' 'demisexual,' and 'graysexal,' you wonder---isn't everyone like that? YES

6. You can only see yourself having sex with a theoretical or literal close partner. NO---if anything, the more I fond of someone I became, the less sexual interest I have in them (though there's likely not much to begin with)

7. Heavily-sexualised places like clubs make you feel out of place/uncomfortable. YES. In fact, it's hard for me to understand the 'point' of these venues, and I've only allowed myself to be dragged into such places on a handful of occasions (all of which I hated intensely)

8. You feel nervous about having a relationship because you feel like sex would be expected of you. YES YES YES. Although this isn't the only reason.

9. You feel like you never 'bloomed.' YES, although I have trouble even understanding what is meant by this.

10. You feel like you've only had one or two experiences that could classify as sexual attraction. NO---Again, I feel like it's just that sexual attraction when it does occur for me is a rather faint signal that is hard to even detect amongst the much more intense aesthetic/sensual/romantic components of attraction.

11. Your relationship daydreams all feature non-sexual forms of intimacy. BIG TIME

12. You have trouble understanding the term 'sexual attraction'. I think I might? I'll let you be the judge based on what you've read thus far.

13. Other people finding you sexually attractive weirds you out. YES--although that could be due in part to my low opinion of my own attractiveness in general.

14. You've considered remaining celibate forever. On track so far lol

 

All in all, I've never really felt like I could identify with any of the labels out there describing different sexualities. Heterosexual? Well, I *am* only interested in women, but not really in a 'sexual' way all that much, but it surely plays a part so 'asexual' isn't really fitting either. 'Graysexual' seems to come the closest to a match, but only according to the definitions that emphasise having experienced sexual attraction without the intent to actually engage in sexual behaviours or even having a repulsion towards sex.

 

Thoughts?

 

* I know that there are a lot of people who have been able to find relationships that work for them, despite not including sex and so on, and this is fantastic! It just hasn't happened for me.

[Snao Cone]

Hi @Naamah!

 

The aesthetic thing kept me unaware that I could be asexual for quite a while. I thought that the reason I wasn't into sex with people was being self-conscious or with low self-esteem, because I could certainly appreciate the looks of other people and totally get why they were sexy - but in the sense of why other people would want to have sex with them. When I was presented with the opportunity to have sex with "sexy" people I did not feel like I was part of the moment. It wasn't what I wanted. It turned out that whatever I felt towards these people didn't extend to wanting sexual intimacy. That's basically what sexual attraction is, and asexuality is not experiencing that in a general sense.

 

If you think what you do feel is faintly sexual attraction but don't think you'd ever want to have sex as a part of your relationships, you might want to identify as grey. That's really up to you. If it feels closest, then it is likely what best communicates your experience to other people. Your grey/asexuality is most relevant to yourself and potential partners, so it might be helpful to express to potential partners that you feel very strong attraction to things in a similar way to sexual people, but intrinsically don't want sex as part of your relationship. That might help them understand that it's not their own shortcoming of not being "sexy" enough - it's just your orientation.

[Glass]

So, I know there's no objectively "right" application of these labels, but I guess that's not going to stop me...

 

I had never considered myself towards the sexual end of the spectrum, because I am clearly aroused by/attracted to guys. However, I never really went out looking for sex, and honestly really only craved it (caved in to it?) while drinking. Any sex I had was just ok- never as good/interesting as in my head. I've realized that I get what I want/need out of masturbating, and I feel happier/more fulfilled after pleasuring myself than after being with another person. I can imagine situations where I have light sexual interaction with another person, but I would be perfectly happy without ever having sex again. So, I guess where I'm getting myself stuck is: is asexuality attraction to/arousal by other people, or the desire/inclination to actually act on those thoughts/desires?

[Snao Cone]

6 minutes ago, Glass said:

So, I know there's no objectively "right" application of these labels, but I guess that's not going to stop me...

 

I had never considered myself towards the sexual end of the spectrum, because I am clearly aroused by/attracted to guys. However, I never really went out looking for sex, and honestly really only craved it (caved in to it?) while drinking. Any sex I had was just ok- never as good/interesting as in my head. I've realized that I get what I want/need out of masturbating, and I feel happier/more fulfilled after pleasuring myself than after being with another person. I can imagine situations where I have light sexual interaction with another person, but I would be perfectly happy without ever having sex again. So, I guess where I'm getting myself stuck is: is asexuality attraction to/arousal by other people, or the desire/inclination to actually act on those thoughts/desires?

I've gone through very similar experiences to this, so I'm going to share what thought process I went through when considering if I'm asexual. My attraction to/arousal by other people has failed to entice me to have sex. Every time it's been a combination of alcohol and a pre-planned set of actions to push myself into it. I've gone on many very long stretches without having partnered sex and didn't feel like I was lacking anything aside from mirroring the experiences of fictional characters. What I found physically attractive in other people I've had sex with failed to get me into the sex when actually having it. The emotional connections I've had with people didn't translate to anything during sex.

 

So, based on that, I can tell that I haven't experienced what draws other people to partnered sex. I haven't experienced the intrinsic satisfaction people enjoy through partnered sex. I don't have any ongoing need to seek out partnered sex. If arousal has nothing to do with wanting sex with another person, is it really sexual attraction? The conclusion I've come to is that it's not. Sexual attraction is generally the overlap of some other type of attraction and an underlying intrinsic desire to have partnered sex. If, as far as you're concerned, whatever you find attractive about a person will not involve any intrinsic desire to have sex with them, then it's far more practical for you to identify as asexual or something in the grey area very close to it.

[Glass]

15 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

Every time it's been a combination of alcohol and a pre-planned set of actions to push myself into it.

 

I haven't experienced the intrinsic satisfaction people enjoy through partnered sex. I don't have any ongoing need to seek out partnered sex.

 

Sexual attraction is generally the overlap of some other type of attraction and an underlying intrinsic desire to have partnered sex.

 

If, as far as you're concerned, whatever you find attractive about a person will not involve any intrinsic desire to have sex with them, then it's far more practical for you to identify as asexual or something in the grey area very close to it.

This resonates a lot! I feel like I've been conditioned by societal pressures to "want sex" (especially as a man, especially as a gay man), but "intrinsic satisfaction" is something that's been missing. I wonder if I would've had an easier time "getting to" asexual (or nearby) if I was hetero- if I didn't take "want to actually have sex with men" along with my discovery of "experience arousal from men."

 

I had not considered things in this manner before- thank you so much for sharing your experiences and perspective!

[Naamah]

On 3/27/2018 at 7:04 AM, Snao Cone said:

Hi @Naamah!

 

The aesthetic thing kept me unaware that I could be asexual for quite a while. I thought that the reason I wasn't into sex with people was being self-conscious or with low self-esteem, because I could certainly appreciate the looks of other people and totally get why they were sexy - but in the sense of why other people would want to have sex with them. When I was presented with the opportunity to have sex with "sexy" people I did not feel like I was part of the moment. It wasn't what I wanted. It turned out that whatever I felt towards these people didn't extend to wanting sexual intimacy. That's basically what sexual attraction is, and asexuality is not experiencing that in a general sense.

 

If you think what you do feel is faintly sexual attraction but don't think you'd ever want to have sex as a part of your relationships, you might want to identify as grey. That's really up to you. If it feels closest, then it is likely what best communicates your experience to other people. Your grey/asexuality is most relevant to yourself and potential partners, so it might be helpful to express to potential partners that you feel very strong attraction to things in a similar way to sexual people, but intrinsically don't want sex as part of your relationship. That might help them understand that it's not their own shortcoming of not being "sexy" enough - it's just your orientation.

 

Thank you so much for your insightful reply. I still haven't figured out how to discuss my orientation with other people, and so I just don't ever go there; and the only reason this is problematic is because I know that the facts people observe about me are being interpreted in either highly-negative, or at the very least incorrect, ways. I often find myself yearning for a label, but even if I just identified as an asexual, I feel like very few of the people in my life would even countenance that people can be asexual. Something I'm sure is a common area of difficulty for people all over the spectrum!

 

Thanks again

[Nina Bernales]

Can somebody answer my question? Can you be gray ace without having to be aro? 

[Snao Cone]

4 minutes ago, Nina Bernales said:

Can somebody answer my question? Can you be gray ace without having to be aro? 

Yes. Any asexual or grey ace can be romantic, whether that's hetero/homo/bi/pan romantic. A grey ace might want to be in a romantic relationship, but not experience sexual attraction or desire sex with their partner enough to feel like it could be a regular part of their relationship (at least not without compromise with their partner, if they're sex-favourable). 

[Tiny Eternity]

Hello lovelies,

 

I am 29. Though in school I hung out with the queer kids, asexuality was never something I ever remember hearing about. I ID'd as hetero until my mid 20's. When I heard of demisexuality, everything clicked perfectly. (I'm still with my bf who I started dating at 15.) It explained why I never understood how people were "boy obsessed" (my words in school) and why I had zero interest in sex until there was love. I always appreciated people aesthetically, but realized the "sexual attraction" I felt was actually romantic attraction.

And then, when I was 27... I found myself sexually attracted to a random woman. It hit me like a truck. Though I am attracted to my bf, and am quite interested in him sexually, it is an emotional sexual attraction which felt very different from the sudden physical sexual attraction I was feeling. And it completely threw my identity as demi out the window.

Since then, I've felt an attraction to at least the idea of women, but I still feel connected to the demi label. But then, I find myself aroused when thinking about fictional women. There aren't any real women that interest me, but the fantasy does.

 

 A part of me keeps telling myself not to worry about it because it's irrelevant as I'm in (and will continue to be in) a relationship so it won't change anything... but sometimes... I would like a label that feels right. Demi doesn't... but does gray still fit?

 

Oh I forgot to mention... Prior to the train-lady confusing me like woah, I'd had snuggle fantasies of women. And after train-lady, it's amped up from non-sexual snuggle fantasies to... sexual fantasies.

Edited May 25, 2018 by Tiny Eternity

[roland.o]

Hallo and welcome to the AVEN forums, @Tiny Eternity! Have some cake...

 

The gray label certainly still fits. Or would you like "demi, with one exception"?

 

Whatever label you choose or do not choose, you are welcome in this community. 🍰

[Taryn]

Hi I’m new to this site and I’m leaning towards the fact that I may be Grey sexual I don’t know exactly where I fall on the spectrum because in my experience I’ve found guys good looking I’ve slept with a few guys but only to please them because we were in a relationship. I could have cared less to be honest. I have no sex drive at all and could go the rest of my life with out it and be perfectly happy. I like to cuddle hold hands sometimes kiss a little but anything else i just don’t care for. What would you consider this??? I’m going through a divorce after being with my ex for 5 years he left me for another girl probably partly because I never wanted to have sex  and now I’m trying to figure out who I am for the longest time I have felt like I was broken like something was wrong with me so many  times me and my ex would get in fight over this cause I just didn’t want to be touched or have sex or any of that I’ve never seen anyone and been like oh thats someone I want to have sex with   It’s always been more oh he’s good looking I could see myself dating him. Help please!!

[roland.o]

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, @Taryn. Have some cake...

 

What you describe could be in the grey area, or it could be asexuality. Asexuality is the absence of sexual attraction and/or desire.

 

4 hours ago, Taryn said:

I like to cuddle hold hands sometimes kiss a little but anything else i just don’t care for.

These are sensual activities, which often go along with romance. Have you read about the different types of attraction yet?

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Attraction

 

 

 

Hope this helps!

[Taryn]

@roland.o thank you so much that’s extremely helpful 

[FindingWords]

Hello, I'm a bit new and I'm trying to figure out if I identify as demisexual, graysexual, or possibly akoisexual. I believe both demisexual and akoisexual fall under the graysexual umbrella but are more defined. I was kind of wondering if anyone could clearly explain the difference between these sexualities. Thank you

[roland.o]

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, @FindingWords. Nice display name, by the way Have some cake...

 

I'll give it a try... demisexual is someone who needs a very long time to warm up to a partner, to form a bond that allows them to feel sexual attraction to another. Until then, they're not interested in sex. Which doesn't mean they could not participate, but they certainly wouldn't be enthousiastic about it. The problem of demisexuals is that when they date sexuals, those will probably be looking for sex within a few weeks, if not days. Whereas the demisexual cannot even be certain to develop sexual attraction within a year, because it's not automatic. If it happens, it takes a very long time. But a very long time may also pass without it happening, which might make them feel like they are leading their partner on, if the partner is willing to wait that long in the first place.

 

Akoisexual, which I had to look up just now, is not exactly the opposite, but at least a stark contrast. Demisexual means building (mutual) trust, getting to know the partner over a long time, and (usually) ascertaining that the partner also has a strong reciprocal interest and is not just looking for a fling on the side. It's almost certainly reciprocal on some level. Whereas akoisexual means that sexual attraction fades when it is reciprocated. I've seen in the thread you started that you are familiar with the definition, so there's no point in repeating it here.

 

So, if it takes you half a year or longer to feel sexual attraction to somebody you meet on a regular basis, and then it evaporates when that person shows interest as well, you might be both. But that seems like a rather constructed possibility to me.

 

Cheers, and all the best!

[FindingWords]

@roland.o Thank you for clearing up the differences for me! Demisexual sounds more like what I experience than akoisexual. Would it be possible for a more detailed explanation of graysexual? I understand the difference between graysexual and demisexual but not completely sure on the differences between asexual and graysexual. Thank you 

[Puck]

18 minutes ago, FindingWords said:

@roland.o Thank you for clearing up the differences for me! Demisexual sounds more like what I experience than akoisexual. Would it be possible for a more detailed explanation of graysexual? I understand the difference between graysexual and demisexual but not completely sure on the differences between asexual and graysexual. Thank you 

Asexual = Never wants to have sex with anyone, never experiences sexual attraction to another person

 

Gray-sexual = Experiences sexual attraction but incredibly rarely, maybe even only once or towards one person. They are ultimately sexual but feel more akin to asexuals most the time rather than a “full” sexual, or what is perceived as the amount the average sexua experiences attraction

[roland.o]

@FindingWords, last year, we discussed a definition for graysexuality that stands for itself, rather than saying "somewhere between sexual and asexual". There was no conclusion to the discussion, but this reflects my understanding of the term:

 

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

18 hours ago, roland.o said:

... demisexual is someone who needs a very long time to warm up to a partner, to form a bond that allows them to feel sexual attraction to another. Until then, they're not interested in sex. Which doesn't mean they could not participate, but they certainly wouldn't be enthousiastic about it. The problem of demisexuals is that when they date sexuals, those will probably be looking for sex within a few weeks, if not days. Whereas the demisexual cannot even be certain to develop sexual attraction within a year, because it's not automatic. If it happens, it takes a very long time. But a very long time may also pass without it happening, which might make them feel like they are leading their partner on, if the partner is willing to wait that long in the first place.

  

Akoisexual, which I had to look up just now, is not exactly the opposite, but at least a stark contrast. Demisexual means building (mutual) trust, getting to know the partner over a long time, and (usually) ascertaining that the partner also has a strong reciprocal interest and is not just looking for a fling on the side. It's almost certainly reciprocal on some level. Whereas akoisexual means that sexual attraction fades when it is reciprocated. I've seen in the thread you started that you are familiar with the definition, so there's no point in repeating it here.

@roland.o You're getting really good at this You should consider writing a book of the topic someday. I bet it would be highly appreciate and sold out withing less than 24h after the first public release

[McMangle]

Hello!

 

I've just discovered this community recently while searching for people with experiences similar to mine. While I know that I'm the only one who can determine my own sexuality, I was hoping for some feedback regarding whether I'm thinking of grey-sexuality correctly and if my experiences could be classified that way.

Throughout my life, I've had a difficult time understanding the fuss around sex and I never really understood the frequency that many of my friends changed crushes or partners. For a few years I even joked about being a nun without the religion lol. I always assumed that I was simply a late bloomer but recently I've started rethinking it.  I've only found myself  sensually attracted to two people and sexually attracted to one of those people. The times that I have experienced sexual attraction to that person, my current partner, are few and are often not enough to make me want to act upon them. We still maintain an active sex life that I enjoy but I don't notice nor care when long periods of time without sex pass. I've noticed that I derive more pleasure from the connection that I feel with my partner and the pleasure I provide them than the physical sensations I feel. While I have had sex with someone other than my current partner, it was really only from a desire to please the other person, the thought that it was the next expected step, and the confusion of sensual attraction with sexual attraction. I've often felt that I would be completely fine without sex for the rest my life if my partner decided they didn't want it or we broke up. Without the context of a relationship, sex doesn't even cross my mind in any way and I feel no need to seek it out or pleasure myself alone.

Because of my current relationship, I feel very uncomfortable identifying as simply asexual as that feels unfair to the community but I also don't feel as though I really fit in with other sexual people. So I was hoping for opinions from others on whether I fit on the asexual scale and if greysexual would be a good descriptor for me. Thanks in advance for any advice!

[Snao Cone]

Hi @McMangle! Welcome!

 

To me it seems pretty apparent that you're in the grey area. Your experience with sexual attraction is very small to the point that you could go for the rest of your life without sex and wouldn't be affected by that. You probably relate more to asexual folks than most sexual people, and that's pretty much why people identify as in the grey area in general. 

 

Some people might suggest that you're demi rather than grey, but since you said that you could go without sex if your partner no longer wanted it, that seems more like the general grey area to be. But really, it's up to you to decide how you want to express this part of yourself through the labels as they're understood in this community or in general. I hope you find helpful answers here.

[The Anchorage]

@roland.o

 

 

Thank you so much for sharing this!

1) It's quite cute

2) (and more important) It explains SO MUCH and helps me "categorize" my feelings and different kinds of affection/attraction for people.

 

Again: Thank you! Have a lovely day! 

[Lumikuuro]

[POSSIBLE TMI]

 

Ok, for a long time I have been really apprehensive to put myself out there and describe my experiences about this, but I really need to find out whether or not I actually fit in anywhere and if there are others like me with similar experiences. I’ve been seeing a lot of ace positivity posts this pride month and it’s just got me thinking  “ I wish I could fit in somewhere like that and not feel so alone. “ The problem is I’m cis female and straight. But my experiences do not fit the usual experiences of other cishet people, and for many years I have wondered whether or not I am grey asexual or something else.  I should possibly mention I’m autistic as well? Not sure if that’s relevant.

 

 I hate discussing my sexuality with people because they just don’t get it. I’ve been to therapists who have just dismissed me and said “You’ll find someone.” Well I’m 30 and it hasn’t happened yet. I’ve never been in a relationship and I have only had sex on two separate occasions, both with the same person. More on that below.  

 

I should also say I find it really difficult to understand the difference between romantic and sexual attraction, because for me it seems like they go hand in hand. If I’m romantically attracted to someone I am also sexually attracted to them and vise versa. The problem is I can count the number of people I’ve been attracted to in real life on one hand  (as in people I’ve actually met and talked to, not counting celebrities, fictional characters and people I've never met/talked to). And I have never in my life had a mutual attraction. When I was 28 I met a guy who I was attracted to who I thought was attracted to me (and everyone who I asked said that he definitely indicated he was) but it turned out he just liked chatting up as many girls as possible regardless of if he liked them or not just because he wanted the attention - to feel like he was hot and girls were after him (but that’s another story). Nothing eventuated with him .

 

From what I have read of almost all other accounts of grey asexuality is that grey asexuals are indifferent to sex (correct me if I’m wrong.) Like they can take it or leave it and they don’t mind that they’re not attracted to many people; they just don’t really crave it like sexual people do.  But that’s not me. I’m actually very sexual and I think about and want sex a lot. I’m also interested in bdsm and bondage.  The problem is I cannot have sex with someone I’m not attracted to, and the people I’m attracted to are so few and far between that it’s just impossible for me to find someone. I know I’m definitely not demi, because I do not need an emotional connection with someone to feel attracted to them. I can just look at them and be immediately into them.

 

I lost my virginity six months ago at the age of 29 to a sex worker. I was really sad about the fact that I was still a virgin and hadn’t experienced sex when I had really wanted to for a very long time. So I went searching for an escort and amazingly enough I found one who I was ridiculously attracted to and looking at the pictures of him I just thought “I need to hire him.”  So I did, and it was a really positive experience for me. I was terrified beforehand but it just went really well and he was really nice. The only issue I had was his disbelief at the fact that I was a virgin, and his curiosity getting the better of him to the point where he asked me why. It’s a very sensitive subject for me so I just said “it just hasn’t happened for me yet.”  He was not in my city however and I had to catch a plane and book a hotel just to see him and it cost me a lot of money. But he did come to my city a couple of months later and I hired him again. The second time was even better because I knew him better and had already been with him so it was not as scary. I intend to see him again when he comes to my city next and I have the money. I feel like to do need him at the moment to help get me more initiated into the world of sexuality and help build my confidence so that if I ever do meet someone and there is a mutual attraction it will not be thwarted by my inexperience, fears, and reluctance to disclose my inexperience for fear of being judged/laughed at for being an old virgin. 

 

Anyway, I also did this questionnaire to try and explain a bit more.

 

1.       You never quite got over that thing where people thought sex was icky.

 No, although when I was younger  (into my teenage years) I would say sex was icky because I wanted to prove the adults wrong who always said I would “change my mind”  and “understand when I’m older.” It was all to do with spite, not being actually sex repulsed.

 

2. Sex-related plots in TV or film annoy you, or make you bored, or irritate you.

 Yep. So overused and boring. I actually love seeing characters I’m really attracted to never get with anyone because then I can imagine having them all to myself haha.

 

3. You feel like people are lying about how much they want to have sex, or when they describe sexual attraction you feel like they're being a little bit over the top.

Nope. I think I’m also pretty over the top. It’s just that I’m attracted to very few people. I have always felt really uncomfortable in these sorts of conversations the vast majority of the time because usually I’m not attracted at all to the people my friends/acquaintances/whoever are saying are really hot. And this inevitably leads to awkward questions and prying and in general embarrassing me.

 

4. Sex is just 'meh' to you. You've never wanted it, but you've never disliked it.

No. As I have said I’ve wanted it a long time, I’ve just never found anyone in my real life who I wanted to have it with.

 

5. When you hear the definitions for terms like 'asexual,' 'demisexual,' and 'graysexal,' you wonder---isn't everyone like that?

No? I feel like from what people say the vast majority of people are not like that because they are attracted to heaps of different people and can find partners really easily.

 

6. You can only see yourself having sex with a theoretical or literal close partner.

No. But that’s not to say I wouldn’t really love a close partner. I just think going for that criteria would make it even more impossible.

 

7. Heavily-sexualised places like clubs make you feel out of place/uncomfortable.

YES. You will never get me in there even if you paid me. The last thing I want is a bunch of people I’m not attracted to hitting on me and then me having to try and get rid of them while dealing with all the societal pressure that says I should go for them and give them a chance.

 

8. You feel nervous about having a relationship because you feel like sex would be expected of you.

No, but I do feel nervous because of my inexperience and really low self esteem.

 

9. You feel like you never 'bloomed.'

I don’t even know what that means.

 

10. You feel like you've only had one or two experiences that could classify as sexual attraction.

YES. Though there have been more if you want to count fictional characters, celebrities and people I’ve never met.  

 

11. Your relationship daydreams all feature non-sexual forms of intimacy.

Nope, it’s always sex.

 

12. You have trouble understanding the term 'sexual attraction'.

No, I understand it very well, it just doesn’t happen for me often

 

13. Other people finding you sexually attractive weirds you out.

Big time, because I’m not attractive.

 

14. You've considered remaining celibate forever.

I’d rather not if I can avoid it but since I can’t have sex with someone I’m not attracted to, and the people I am attracted to are so very few, my chances of not being celibate aren’t very good.

 

 

I hope people can understand this well enough, I'm not very good at putting my experiences into words. Do I fit in here at all? Or am I just straight?? 

[mps417]

Hello,

I'm really new to all of this, so please excuse any ignorance on my part. I'm also not entirely sure if this is where my question/situation belongs. If it isn't, I apologize. 

 

I am cis-female, hetero, and possibly somewhere on the asexual spectrum. 

 

I have never had much interest in sex but have always desired close, romantic relationships. Former boyfriends have broken up with me because of my low sex drive. I'm currently married to a great guy, but I do know he wishes we had sex more, especially me initiating it. And the thing is, I really want to want to more. I just almost never want to. And when I do, it's usually because I'm a little drunk (happy/relaxed drunk). I absolutely love my husband, I just have never experienced strong sexual attraction to anyone (I also don't typically think of people in regards to attractiveness. It's rare for me to think "oh, he's really attractive" about anyone). When my friends talk, I always feel like I'm on the outside, looking in on something I'm missing. I've never experienced what's so great about sex, other than connecting emotionally, but I don't need that to feel connected to someone. It just seems like a lot of work for something that's just okay at best (and I've felt this way with all my partners). TMI but I always have to use lube because I never get wet enough or at all. At one point, I stopped all medications I was on that could affect it(antidepressant, Spironolactone for acne) and nothing changed. I've asked doctors and have been told it's all in my head, I just need to think about it more, or that I'm young and shouldn't be having these problems. 

 

This turned more into a ramble/rant than anything. I guess what I'm looking for is someone who understands, has been there, etc. Any advice? I absolutely HATE feeling this way about sex but I don't know what, if anything, I can do to fix it. 

[roland.o]

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, @Lumikuuro. Have some cake...

 

21 hours ago, Lumikuuro said:

Do I fit in here at all?

Yes, you do. A lot of questioning people drop in here. You're welcome while you're questioning, you're just as welcome when you've found answers. Your point of view might just be the one that's going to help someone else.

 

21 hours ago, Lumikuuro said:

From what I have read of almost all other accounts of grey asexuality is that grey asexuals are indifferent to sex (correct me if I’m wrong.)

I think that's a bit oversimplified. Though I do not doubt that many gray asexuals or gray sexuals feel that way. "gray" is one way of saying "it's complicated". If you're ace, you don't feel sexual attraction. If you're sexual, you do, though not to everyone of course. If you're gray, you might... infrequently, or under the right circumstances, or with someone very special, or... hard to tell. It's an umbrella term for people who don't feel sexual enough to identify as "regular" sexuals, but are not asexual either.

 

21 hours ago, Lumikuuro said:

So I went searching for an escort

I like that attitude. You identified a problem, and went looking for a solution. Hiring a sex worker bypasses the social build-up of a relationship. Since you mentioned you are autistic, that build-up might have been challenging for you, right? A business arrangement gets straight to the point.

 

21 hours ago, Lumikuuro said:

If I’m romantically attracted to someone I am also sexually attracted to them and vise versa.

Beware of falling in love with a sex worker, though. When you're a client, I mean. You have a business relationship with him, not a romantic one.

 

I haven't read through all your answers to the questionnaire, for lack of time. But I hope that others will share their views as well.

 

Again, you're welcome here! All the best to you

[roland.o]

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, @mps417. Have some cake...

 

19 hours ago, mps417 said:

And the thing is, I really want to want to more.

Don't put yourself under pressure to do something that you're not into, or to become someone who you are not. It's an almost certain path to a turn-off.

 

19 hours ago, mps417 said:

I have never had much interest in sex but have always desired close, romantic relationships.

That could be explained by low libido. But it could also describe a romantic ace. As we're on AVEN here, I'm biased to assume the latter It's your choice whether you want to adopt some labels or not, and which ones to pick if you do. But keep in mind that labels are only words to describe your feelings. The feelings are what's important.

 

19 hours ago, mps417 said:

I do know he wishes we had sex more, especially me initiating it.

Well, if it doesn't come to you spontaneously, you could keep a schedule. Or track when the last time was, and occasionally check whether it's time to initiate again. But these are just circumventions. You should communicate openly with your husband about this topic. And not just once, but on a regular basis. If you don't feel the desire, he's going to know anyway. So it's important that you're honest about what you feel and do not feel. You can offer to initiate based on a schedule or reminders, but he has to accept that it's not something you're naturally inclined to, as he'd like it to be. The following thread might help you understand how sexuals in mixed relationships feel:

 

19 hours ago, mps417 said:

I just almost never want to. And when I do, it's usually because I'm a little drunk (happy/relaxed drunk).

As long as it's a little and not excessive, and you don't feel bad about it afterwards, and you do it out of your own choice, I see nothing wrong with drinking a little to get into the mood. There's also a thing called responsive sexual desire, which means that some people experience desire only after things have started. Your post doesn't sound like that's the case for you, but you should know that getting into the mood is not an automatic thing for others, either.

Just to be sure you don't misinterpret: If you feel about it like a chore, if it repulses you in the least, or if you feel bad about something afterwards, then DON'T! My suggestions are only for the case that you want to do something nice for your husband, though it's not something you feel strongly about. Your attitude about it is important, as is his. If you have to force yourself, something's wrong. If he cannot accept it as a nicety, and makes you feel bad about not desiring it yourself, something's wrong. That's why the open communication is so important. Just as you are accepting his sexual desire and are making an effort to accommodate it, he has to accept that you do not experience a similar desire.

 

19 hours ago, mps417 said:

I've asked doctors and have been told it's all in my head, I just need to think about it more, or that I'm young and shouldn't be having these problems.

Oh dear. Mainstream doctors feeding you commonplaces. It just means they don't know how you tick, and won't bother to find out. Don't let it get to you!

 

Cheers, and all the best!

[Lumikuuro]

On 6/23/2018 at 5:52 PM, roland.o said:

Yes, you do. A lot of questioning people drop in here. You're welcome while you're questioning, you're just as welcome when you've found answers. Your point of view might just be the one that's going to help someone else.

 

I would be very happy if my response helped someone else. If someone else is here with experiences similar to mine I would love to hear from them and hear their story. 

 

On 6/23/2018 at 5:52 PM, roland.o said:

I think that's a bit oversimplified. Though I do not doubt that many gray asexuals or gray sexuals feel that way. "gray" is one way of saying "it's complicated". If you're ace, you don't feel sexual attraction. If you're sexual, you do, though not to everyone of course. If you're gray, you might... infrequently, or under the right circumstances, or with someone very special, or... hard to tell. It's an umbrella term for people who don't feel sexual enough to identify as "regular" sexuals, but are not asexual either.

Well, in that case it definitely sounds like I am some sort of grey. "It's complicated" is a very good way to put it.  I've heard grey being described as "not attracted to very many people" and "experiences sexual attraction on rare occasions" and that is me 100%. I just got really confused because I've also heard it described as "indifferent to sex"  or "rarely wants sex"  or "doesn't want sex often" which is definitely not me. I want sex often, I just find it difficult to find someone to have it with because I'm not sexually attracted to many people and the thought of having sex with someone I'm not attracted to is not a good or pleasant thought at all. If I found someone and got into a relationship my partner would not have any issues with me being disinterested in sex. Quite the opposite. I would be excited and look forward to it and be keen to do it often. 

 

I think grey fits me as far as that I don't feel like I can identify as a "regular" sexual person. I have not had the same experiences, and I feel out of place during sexual discussions and when people are pushing to know who I'm into and "isn't this person hot." It's pretty rare that I can actually have input in these discussions. I love my friends a lot. I adore them and love them to bits, just not in a romantic or sexual way. With a certain friend I feel like I can talk to them about things I would never even think about telling my other friends, like for example my experience with the escort. They helped me a lot through all my nervousness and anxiety in the lead up to that. I honestly think the importance society places on sexual and romantic relationships being more important than friendships/platonic relationships is just really gross. The relationships I have with my friends are just as important and valid as anyone's romantic relationship. Sure, I would love a sexual/romantic partner but as far as who I would like to spend the rest of my life with I would still be very happy if I had a platonic relationship with that person. A life partner does not have to be romantic. 

 

On 6/23/2018 at 5:52 PM, roland.o said:

I like that attitude. You identified a problem, and went looking for a solution. Hiring a sex worker bypasses the social build-up of a relationship. Since you mentioned you are autistic, that build-up might have been challenging for you, right? A business arrangement gets straight to the point.

I would not have had it any other way. That was 100% the right thing for me, and I have no regrets whatsoever and greatly enjoyed that time despite being absolutely terrified. Honestly, doing that from the initial email all the way through to actually going and doing it was the scariest, most nerve wracking, most challenging thing I have done in my entire life, and I have performed on national television in front of a whole auditorium full of people. Didn't compare to this. I'm so proud of myself for going through with it and doing what's right for me, hang what society thinks about it. And yes, honestly part of the reason I went down that road was because I knew there was no way I could deal with playing dating games and trying to guess if someone was interested in me, and dealing with the high probability of embarrassing the crap out of myself. Been there, done that, did not fancy it. Especially on top of all the fears about my inexperience. I just wouldn't have the guts to disclose that to some guy. Going to the escort I was still terrified something bad would happen and that I would embarrass myself, but knowing the fact that he's been in the industry for the better part of ten years and has probably seen and done it all was very comforting. He seemed very open minded and non judgemental by what he had written on his website so I felt pretty good going with him. 

 

On 6/23/2018 at 5:52 PM, roland.o said:

Beware of falling in love with a sex worker, though. When you're a client, I mean. You have a business relationship with him, not a romantic one.

I suppose the more accurate description of my sexual/romantic attraction thing would be that sexual attraction comes first, then when I get to know the person more I form romantic attraction. And as romantic attraction happens, sexual attraction intensifies. But I cannot have romantic attraction without the sexual attraction being there first, I just don't work that way. At this stage I don't think I have really spent enough time with him to develop that but I do recognise that as a possible complication. However I  decided the benefits of doing what I did far outweighed the possibility of complications and bad things happening. Even if that did happen I still wouldn't regret it, it would just be something that I'd have to deal with and get over, But so far so good