Tikva Posted May 7, 2006 Share Posted May 7, 2006 I'm so happy about this forum!!! Thank you soooo much! I have a problem with my son and only child. His values are the opposite of what I raised him with. I accept and love him and support his choices, but, he wants nothing to do with me 'cause I have no money. I work for low pay because I love my job with deaf/hanicapped kids. And my other work is volunteer. I live rural....he lives urban. I have NO problem what so ever with his choices! He's 30-yrs-old, a grown man. But I don't understand why he will not accept my choices, I'm a 51-yr-old grown woman. Sorry...this is upsetting to write about.....thanks for listening...... :oops: Tikva Link to post Share on other sites
Tanwen Posted May 7, 2006 Share Posted May 7, 2006 Tic, you have no doubt tried the 'I accept your view, please pay me the courtesy of accepting mine' and it hasn't worked. There is nothing else you can do - until his child challenges their view, and you can say... Every generation rejects the values of the previous - until they themselves become parents My father (who left school at 11 and by modern standards was uneducated, said, 'Convince a man against his will, he of the same opinion still'. Link to post Share on other sites
Ziffler Posted May 7, 2006 Share Posted May 7, 2006 Some people measure success by the amount of things they have. Money, Cars, Houses, The people they hang out with, etc. I suspect your son is one of them. Others measure success by the lives they touch in a positive way. You sound like one of these people. There are other ways people measure success, but those two seem to apply in your case. Since you work with and volunteer with people that need your help but doesn't pay in financial ways, your son sees you as a failure. You don't live where the action is, with no means to gain success where you live. So your son doesn't understand you. Personally I applaude you for the life you have chosen and for helping people that need your help. I count you as a great success. The work you are doing fills you with satisfaction, purpose, and pride. You can look back and say, my life has meaning. One day, your son will come to the realization that things, won't get him what you have. At least we can hope he wakes up oneday. Some do and some don't. Some spend their entire lives in search of happiness through ambition, money, and things, and what they never find is true happiness in slowing down and connecting with people. The only suggestion I have for you, is to stop trying to make him understand your lifestyle. Just live your life and enjoy the pleasure you get in what you are doing, and let him come to the realization that you are happy on his own, and maybe he will awaken to the knowledge that society has it wrong. Money, power and things don't make you happy and they don't leave you with any longlasting purpose for your time spent on earth. I live with the motto: That people are who they are, either accept them the way they are, or ignore them completely. It's an exercise in futility to try and change someone from who and what they are. Link to post Share on other sites
Tikva Posted May 8, 2006 Author Share Posted May 8, 2006 To Tanwen and Ziffler, Thank you for your words of wisdom. You're both right----you cannot change a person. I just want to be accepted by him, but I realize that may never happen. He's getting married in the autumn in a formal ceremony. I'm assuming my berkenstocks and jeans with holes in them would raise about 150 pairs of eyebrows :shock: so I will borrow a dress :shock: ! I wonder how one can walk in those shoes with the high heels??? I guess if I manage not to trip and land in the middle of the wedding cake....it'll be okay :oops: ! Maybe my future grandchildren will think it's neat to visit their weird grandmother and the rural lifestyle. There's always hope.... Tikva Link to post Share on other sites
Goonie Posted May 8, 2006 Share Posted May 8, 2006 do you have to wear high heeled shoes? Link to post Share on other sites
Tikva Posted May 8, 2006 Author Share Posted May 8, 2006 do you have to wear high heeled shoes? I dunno???!!! I just found out he's getting married. I'm going to have to do a web search for "Appropriate clothes for the mother of the groom to wear to his formal wedding...", and I doubt they have a "tomboy" section. At my own wedding, (marriage lasted 5 yrs.---big mistake...) I got married in the guard tower of an old Fort in a state park. I wore a wedding dress from 1890. (The Gibson Girl era), which I found nailed to the wall at a shop in Berkeley. The sales lady asked my what size I was. I said, "28/31". A friend who was with me whispered, "It's a dress, not a pair of jeans!" I had no idea what my dress size was, so I had to try it on to see if it fit. It was two-piece with the long skirt and seperate top. While I was in the changing room the sales lady asked how it fit. I came out wearing the dress and said I really liked it, but it didn't fit right----it was, "smashing my boobs in the front, and was all lumpy in the back...". The sales lady said, "My dear. You have it on backwards". My friend left. The dress ended up fitting perfectly after I put it on right. I found my friend and told her I had the dress and just needed the shoes. We went to a bridal shop with many beautiful shoes. The first pair I picked up had about 3" heels. My friend said, "Don't EVEN think about it!!" So I chose a plain white pair with only 1" heels----just to play it safe. The wedding went on as planned with no mishaps except my Maid of Honor had to go barefoot 'cause someone locked her shoes--along with the keys, in the car. I managed to walk okay in the 1" heels----almost. It was a Jewish wedding, and at the end, when the groom steps on the glass, I took a step back to give him room. When everyone then shouted, "Mazal Tov!" I started to take a step toward my new husband, and almost fell flat on my face---since the Fort was old and rustic with wooden flooring, I managed to find the ONE hole in the floor that perfectly fit my 1" heels. My shoe(heel) was stuck---and so was I. A Park Ranger came with some tools to get me unstuck and they meanwhile shot off a cannon to distract the guests. Sooooo. I think my "Mother-Of-The-Groom Attire" will take some figuring out........! Anyone have any ideas? :? Tikva Link to post Share on other sites
Elizabeth I Posted May 8, 2006 Share Posted May 8, 2006 Nobody expects the mother of the groom to wear high heels... or to be any kind of glamorous. If your kind of a hippie-type...wear a long skirt and you can wear any kind of shoes you want underneath. Folks won't really be paying all that much attention ....unless of course you DO wear jeans! That'a one area I know I won't have any difficulty with. If and when my son ever has a wedding...I'm sure NOTHING I could wear would distract from whatever he comes up with. He and his GF (at the time) went to thier Senior Prom in rented costumes. He was Mr Peanut, and she was the Easter Bunny! He just couldn't BEAR to spend a big bundle renting a tux when they were getting such a great deal on off season costume rentals. They had a ball....and I really ADORE that prom photo! Don't go spending a month's worth of grocery money on something you will never wear again...try the thrift shops or salvation army. Orrrr....... Check this link and see if you have freecycle in your area. If you have one , join up and post your predicament. Freecyclers are GREAT people! http://www.freecycle.org/ Lizzie PS.... LOVE your wedding story... Link to post Share on other sites
dyyanae Posted May 8, 2006 Share Posted May 8, 2006 Don't go spending a month's worth of grocery money on something you will never wear again...try the thrift shops or salvation army.Orrrr....... Check this link and see if you have freecycle in your area. If you have one , join up and post your predicament. Freecyclers are GREAT people! http://www.freecycle.org/ Lizzie PS.... LOVE your wedding story... Seconded. And the prom story was wonderful too! I especially like the thrift shop/Salvation Army idea. I do all my clothing shopping there these days. It's practical, but I also find such nice things!!! (you may have to make several trips to SA... they rotate new stuff in on a weekly basis) Plus, you can find styles that are a little more flattering than the current fashions. My opinion only.... but 'fashion' seems to be going through another ugly phase :) Love freecycle too. Another possibility, is to go with one of those gorgeous Asian pants outfits (I've actually found a few at SA) They are flowing, often made in silks or satins, with embroidered details...something like that can be comfortable and quite dressy enough for a wedding. And, of course, they can be worn with simple flat shoes :) Good luck with the wedding and your son! Link to post Share on other sites
Ziffler Posted May 8, 2006 Share Posted May 8, 2006 Another possibility, is to go with one of those gorgeous Asian pants outfits (I've actually found a few at SA) They are flowing, often made in silks or satins, with embroidered details...something like that can be comfortable and quite dressy enough for a wedding. And, of course, they can be worn with simple flat shoes I second. Of course I'm a man and have no clue as to whats appropriate. I have a wedding to go to in July, nephew getting married. But men are easier to dress for things than women. Least I think so. Ok. When I was reading I was thinking, Dress Pants Outfit. I see Celebrities and News people and Politicians wearing them to formal occassions. I would check with your son to see what he thinks, just so he won't get shocked. I never seen the Asian Pants Suit that was posted but it sounds great to me. Definately wear flat shoes. No reason to wear heels. Link to post Share on other sites
Goonie Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 hmm I don't ever wear heels anywhere... I just figured it was becuase I was a tom boy :) At my cousins wedding I wore a pant suit. I think it drove my mom nuts that I didn't wear a dress, but times are changing. as far as fashion goes.. yes ugly. Most stuff doesn't fit me anyway. So I shop in the guys section for shirts :) Link to post Share on other sites
Tikva Posted May 16, 2006 Author Share Posted May 16, 2006 I just wrote a long post but the cyberghosts ate it (again). This has happened several times before. It seems my log in session expires while I'm posting. Does this happen to other people? I wanted to thank everyone for their advice. And to Elizabeth I--thank you for the freecycle link! And I love your son's prom story! Right now---the difficulties with my son---have sent the depression/anxiety level into the stratosphere. I won't repeat the whole post now---it was hard to write it the first time....... I know he's taking anger he has for other people out on me because he knows I love him unconditionally and there will be no repercussions, (unlike if he took it out on his boss, co-workers, etc.) But it's destroying me. Literally. People tell me to "forget about him", even though they have various excuses why they couldn't "forget about" their own child/ren. I don't know how to make myself "get over it"......... Thanks for letting me vent....I really appreciate AVEN........! Tikva Link to post Share on other sites
Goonie Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 rant away all you want... I am sorry to hear it isn't going well... *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
Tikva Posted May 18, 2006 Author Share Posted May 18, 2006 Thanx Goonie----that was very kind of you! Tikva Link to post Share on other sites
Tanwen Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 Tikva, know what you mean about them taking their frustrations out on you! I sometimes ask my sons if they can see the join , when they look at me puzzled, I reply 'I had to have my head sewn back on after you ripped it off. Oh, and by the way, it's now perforated to make it easier for you' You will find your own way of dealing with it, in summer I like to go for a long ride on my bike - I can go for a walk or anything that needs physical energy - meditation can help too. I hope you find your release valve, it's essential for your peace of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Tikva Posted May 18, 2006 Author Share Posted May 18, 2006 I just lost my last post---again :evil: ! (if this is not happening to other AVENites, I guess it's just my computer...(10-yr-old refab job---dial-up..no fancy gadgets or software..low-tech...blah, blah...) tanwen! Can I quote you???? You're a much better mom than me 'cause you were able to stand up to your sons! I never could. I was a wimp when it came to him, (bowing to his every request...), even tho in other conditions, I was, er...um..."by the book", but with humor, and off-beat things....that kids LOVE it! (Tues. I had to climb a tree, and then have 3 people had me a child with Cerbral Palsey, at 15-yrs-old, she's almost as big as me, both under 100 lbs. and almost the same ht. and she was wearing a very slippery jacket while we were sitting on very slippery moss, covering the branches.) And she is a very special soul.........that's another post.....but, someone, please remind me!!!! The story of this little Cambodian/Chinese girl who is Deaf/mute and has CP is soooo inspirtual!....... Sorry. Got OT. Had Brandy for dinner....no other food/drink... Cheers, Tikva Link to post Share on other sites
Tanwen Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 I tied myself in knots trying to do things by the book, then realised the boys kept rewriting it. They used to hate it when I went on training courses for work as I'd try to implement the theories at home. Once I went on an assertiveness course, and when they had their next argument I sat them down and said very quietly "This behaviour is unacceptable, we will sit down and talk about it. You will both get your turn to speak without interruption, there will only be constructive comments, no personal criticism" (I think they were about eight and nine at the time) They looked at each other, their eyes went up to the ceiling and together they said "She's been on another course!" One thing I did implement from the course (which I found very useful), when I said I couldn't (or wouldn't) do something sometimes I would go into details, but always told them I was saying 'No' to the request, not them, and that wheareas I may not like what they've done (even now), but it doesn't mean I don't like them. As my mother always says 'There's good in the worst of us and bad in the best' Good luck, and never forget you are entitled to your opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Tikva Posted May 19, 2006 Author Share Posted May 19, 2006 Thanx Tanwen! It sounds like you had wise parents----and you have multiplied that wisdom in raising your sons. I think it's too late for me (to have a normal relationship with my son) but just hearing how other parents deal with their children teaches me a lesson. I wish I could be like you. I think, in the future, when your sons are grown, they will admire your wisdom and pass it down to their own kids. I admire your wisdom! Wish I was not such a push-over (i.e. wimp)! (And thanx so much for responding to my Brandy induced post.... :oops: Tikva Link to post Share on other sites
Ziffler Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 One thing I did implement from the course (which I found very useful), when I said I couldn't (or wouldn't) do something sometimes I would go into details, but always told them I was saying 'No' to the request, not them, and that wheareas I may not like what they've done (even now), but it doesn't mean I don't like them. As my mother always says 'There's good in the worst of us and bad in the best' Good luck, and never forget you are entitled to your opinion. Yep. I have always explained "WHY" I said yes or no. I just thought this was common courtesy. I have never liked just being told no or yes, without an explaination and I have always treated kids as people, not babies. Consequently, I have never had trouble with kids behaving around me. When my nephews and nieces go anywhere with me, they know how they need to behave and I have taken some of them on extended trips without difficulties. They also know that once I have made a dicision, its final. We can talk about it beforehand but not afterward. So I don't ever have that constant nagging from them, that I hear other kids do with their parents. That is a sign that their parents give in and change their decisions so the kids nag until they get what they want. Yep, the "no" is to the request, never to them. They all know I love them very much. Just treat kids as people. Never talk down to them, or BOSS them around. Treat kids like you want to be treated and you usually won't have troubles. One of the things I really hate hearing from a parent is telling their kids to respect their elders, when the elder in question is being rude, crude and nasty. Be polite yes, but respect, no way. Respect is earned, not commanded. Politeness is given freely even to people you hate. Okay, off the soapbox. I haven't raised kids in decades, time for me to shut up. LOL. Link to post Share on other sites
thylacine Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 Quote: Of course I'm a man and have no clue as to whats appropriate. I have a wedding to go to in July, nephew getting married. Just a light summer suit & tie. Make sure the jacket & slacks match. Don't wear white gym socks -- I know a guy who wore white gym socks to a formal occasion with his tuxedo -- BAD! Black shoes. And most especially DO NOT WEAR PLAID!!! I know a guy who wore plaid to his own wedding -- and that one ended in a nasty divorce! Link to post Share on other sites
str8fuknpimpin Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 yeah. i know whatchu sayin. i mean like i gotta help myself in the restroom, you know what i'm saying? spoon feed that girl too. *pats back* *sighs lengthily* *goes into KFC-like accent* ahh, heck. it's worth it. she couldn't do it on her own, anyway, you know? hell. i even make basic choices for her on a daily basis. underwear - low cut or b.b. wrap? socks - with raisins in the bottoms or softened hampster pellets? you know? you see all this. i even have to help her put the raisins or pellets in the socks! :shock: she'll get like 2 or 3 in there and then lose attention. wander, you know? she can even be seated and not be here, in our reality. and just try her. yeah. try to see if she'll be accepting of only 3 raisllets/pellins. oh heeeeelll no. 24. 24 to 26 1/2 max. so, yeah, i know. it's not just taking care of an adult child, it's getting down all the pecularities too. picky pellet quantity. :x :x watch. next time she'll get picky about pellet quality....are there any peanuts? why not? i don't want any then. those are pistachios. and on and on. i can just hear it now. well, to you and yours, take care. :) Link to post Share on other sites
Brodertun Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 Right now---the difficulties with my son---have sent the depression/anxiety level into the stratosphere. I won't repeat the whole post now---it was hard to write it the first time....... I know he's taking anger he has for other people out on me because he knows I love him unconditionally and there will be no repercussions, (unlike if he took it out on his boss, co-workers, etc.) But it's destroying me. Literally. People tell me to "forget about him", even though they have various excuses why they couldn't "forget about" their own child/ren. Well, definately don't forget about him. This kind of reminds me of what I harassed Marcus daily for 9 months straight. He was the only one that I felt safe with, and he had givine me a reason to vent, so I released 19 years of pent up anger and frustration on him. He did say he was going to speak to a therapist, and mentioned how his friends and coworkers had noticed a change in him, though his coworkers were attributing it to the stress of being promotoed, and he just wasn't bothering to correct them, so I think its safe to say that I was destroying him too. He didn't forget about me, and it appears he's read everything I sent him in its entirety whehter they were apologies, asking for advice, or vicous, die hard attacks on him. I don't know how to make myself "get over it"......... Aside from the fact that he talked to a therapist, the only thing I know that helped him get over it (aside from actions on my part) is this quote "When our paths crossed that day, I simply responded in a way that I still do, which is offer understanding and encouragement" and "I Do Not Try to Dance Better than Anyone Else. I Only Try to Dance Better than Myself"... Mikhail Baryshnikov Link to post Share on other sites
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