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32m hypersexual/31f asexual. Married 5 years, together 13

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I'll try and keep this quick (failed that). I tend to be straightforward and unfiltered at times so reader beware.


I'm a 32 year old male, hyper sexual. I've always been this way. Masturbating multiples times a day everyday for well over half my life. I grew up during the slow days of dial up and early broadband internet porn. Videos were scarce, terrible and 30 seconds. So I discovered and resorted heavily to erotica. I remember having a print out of really really kinky dirty stories in a binding folder in my backpack in middle school. I discovered bdsm very quickly. Through the years and exploration I grew to learn my kinks and fetishes pretty early. I discovered I'm a 50/50 switch. I love being dominant, I love being submissive. 


My wife is 31 and is asexual. She didn't know she was asexual when she was 18 when we first started dating. She had never really thought about it but as we would fight or argue over sex she began to research it and only a couple years ago came to me and said she was asexual. When she was like 10 or 11 her parents split. She left the state to live w her dad and his new wife who he had been cheating w and left her mom for. They were very sexual and open in front of my wife and her siblings. They would talk openly about how their father spanked her good and leave bondage porn open on their computer which of course my wife sees when she goes to use it. She claims to never have had much of a sex drive. She had sex with one guy before me just to kind of do it. He was a quick fling after a long term high school boy friend and just before meeting me.


We hit it off quick, I just felt this connection right away. I was telling people she was the one right away. Before her I'd had ten partners, she'd had the one. Sex was good the first year or so but not super frequent. It was clear she was a pleaser. She liked to make me happy, very little interest in me going down on her or her getting off. When we fucked it was for my benefit.  She would get off like once every 3 months, sometimes less often. But she would get me off very frequently, at least once a day. Eventually a pattern developed. She learned all my buttons and how and when to push them and she could give me powerful orgasms, usually through some oral attention. It became rare intercourse and mostly just oral attention. Eventually it was mostly me masturbating while she would touch on me or go down on me until I got off. It became routine. A chore. I got off so I was happy right?

But what about my fantasies? My fetishes?

I presented them to her and she let me tie her up once but she was very much not into it and had me untie her. Fair enough. I told her how I wanted to be tied, what I wanted her to do to me. But she didn't really get it. It wasn't her. She wasn't comfortable w that and I was topping from the bottom every moment literally begging her for something and then explaining to her she needs to tell me no. It wasn't working. 


Furthermore she was gaining weight and wasn't dressing very well. She was just kinda slumming it and over time I've had a harder time being attracted to her physically. 


I'm making this all about sex but I suppose that's our key issue. That's what the future of our relationship hinges on right now and there's a lot to this story. I've just begun.


But you should know I love my wife so fucking much. I've always viewed her as my soul mate, my best friend, my future. I've told her all of this countless times every day. She's my other half. I feel like w the ease that we fell into love and started a life together that we must have known each other in a past life. Except I don't believe in souls or past lives. The point is I love my wife so much and the last thing I truly want is to leave her.


Ok so years of me masturbating w her help go by. Occasionally I beg her to play out my fantasy w me and she amuses me and it always ends in disappointment and discomfort. She accuses me of wanting too much, making her act for me. So we go back to assisted masturbation and the rare intercourse. Eventually I can't even get it up any more. I'm not aroused, the routine turns me off. There's no preamble or foreplay it's just, hey want me to go down on you and then she just starts. No passion. Just doing that thing I like. Kinda seems like a chore, one she enjoys doing because it makes her man happy but a chore none the less. I tell her I'm just having a hard time fantasizing and I want to read a story while she goes down on me or while I masturbate and she licks me. It's the only way I could get hard or get off. Eventually I was just looking and watching out right porn while she was down there w her task. Mentally i was somewhere else imagining my fantasy. I was obsessed w it because i couldnt live it. I had no outlet. 


Years go by and then two years ago she mentions she could have a threesome w another girl. Around this same time a cute girl in a group we were hanging w mentioned she would totally fuck my wife. I mentioned it to her and she was down. So we brought that girl home and they had fun and then I got involved. It was a great time and we had fun. Then we kept doing it and then started calling her our girlfriend and then we became a polyamorous triad. The sex though very quickly became just me and the other girl fucking while my wife would watch and masturbate. She said she liked that a lot. This is around the time she discovers she may be asexual. She explains that this can be a common trait among some asexual that they don't fantasize themselves into a situation or want to participate themselves, but rather they fantasize about and enjoy watching others have sex. Within the first few sessions of us fucking I was given permission to have sex w the other girl alone. 


This other girl was a hyper sexual too. She was on fire. I've never had sex like I've had w her and even few porns were half as hot as the sex we had. She was into exploring all my kinks and fantasies and we explored many of them. She loved to be tied up and eventually learned to take charge. The sex was so amazing. It like woke me up. I had grown so complacent for all those years w the routine. I mean who wouldn't want to get a blow job every other day? But it just got old. It was a routine. It had no passion. She didn't want to suck me like this new girl did. She didn't want to fuck me like this new girl did. The two of them played and had fun but they never really hit it off. I quickly realized I was the center of attention in the relationship and eventually it failed and ended when my wife became uncomfortable w it. We broke it off but had developed a good friendship w her so we still spent a lot of time w her and even had her spend the night. We took her on a trip w us and even got a 2 bedroom apartment and roomed w her. Except she and I never really stopped fucking.


I grew distant w my wife and things got shitty. I developed feelings for this girl I'm still dealing with. The three of us had a big blow up fight one weekend and my wife found out I'd been cheating on her. The roommate moved out and my wife didnt leave me.


I kept in contact w the other person and weve talked a lot but things have changed. It's over w her. She's met a new guy and I'm dealing w that loss. It's been hard. That said I still love my wife very much. She's still my best friend, my future, my other half. I just don't know what to do now. I've talked to her about this disparity.


The new girl opened my eyes to the sex I was missing. To what I had known I was missing. I was fantasizing about cheating early on because I was never very satisfied sexually. I like to think maybe we can rekindle the thing where she likes to watch me fuck someone but I'm certain I've burned that bridge of trust w this incident. I don't know what compromise there could possibly be. What I'm missing is sexual energy. Passion. Desire. I need that and I can't get that from her or masturbating or porn or a sex toy. Only another person. It seems to me either repress who I am or my needs, or we need some kind of open reltionship. Obviously w rules and boundaries and I'd have to earn her respect and trust if I even can. But it's either of those options, the only other option is to end the relationship and neither of us really want that.


I don't want another partner. No one could ever replace her. No one will ever love or care for me like she does. She's the most incredible person. We're just so incompatible sexually.


I have no idea what to do. It's really been messing me up emotionally. I've been super depressed for a long time for a variety of reasons and this rift in our relationship is key among them. I've been seeing a counselor for a couple months now and I don't know if it's helping. So far he hasn't offered up a lot of advice and his advice seems to ignore my needs. Just more so conventional wisdom. Like he knew what an asexual was but i think he views it as a low sex drive as opposed to an orientation and I believe he views my sex drive as a problem as opposed to a trait. Typical conventional wisdom and education. But he's younger than me and I'm not sure he has the experience or understandings to really give me sound original advice here. This isnt a conventionalnproblem and it seems like he's trying to fit a square peg in a round hole w the responses he gives.


I don't know what to do. I have had a really hard time talking to my wife in the last year. I don't know how to bring this up and when I express myself a lot of times I'm met w silence. I told her an open marriage could be one compromise. But I explained I want to experience more sex in my life. She was hurt and sad. She wants to satisfy me alone and make me happy but she is always just doing what she thinks I want. Because she doesn't have any wants. When we're playing w my fantasies and I ask her if she really wants to do something she says yes but she doesn't really, she only wants to if I want her to. She's afraid of losing me. I just don't know what to do but everywhere I've looked about hyper sexual and asexual couples is either some kind of extramarital sex, or less sex for the sexual. I think it would be easy for me if I liked just straight sex but I have my fetishes and fantasies and desires and it's gotten to the point where I need to think about them to get off most times. Otherwise who would care how they got off as long as it was good. And it is she knows all my buttons but it's boring now. And it was boring before we met that girl. It has been for too long. I don't want to leave her but reading this page makes me think we're doomed. I feel like we're just too incompatible and should just be really close good friends. Except it would crush us both to lose that level of connection. She wouldn't want to watch me date someone else and I wouldn't be happy seeing her happy w someone else either. I don't know what to do. I don't expect any advice really. We need to communicate and work on shit. Maybe it's already too late. Maybe everything is too fucked. I don't know.


I'm sorry for the rambling. I started out trying to have some kind of structure but it all just flooded out sort of stream of consciousness. Thanks for hanging on this long, if you did. My apologies for any typos or obnoxious abbreviations like my use of w for with.






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Welcome to AVEN, please have some cake :cake: . You are very curtious at the beginning and end. I appreciate that. 


I honestly don't know what I can tell you more than the therapist does. Are you sure he is properly trained and licensed? If he just has conventional wisdom that you could get anywhere, I would check on that. 


I am sorry to say that I agree with you that you did burn that bridge with the mutual girlfriend. If there is a way for your wife to trust you with that again, she would be the one to know that. Perhaps you two could agree on a temporary break, like Lady Girl did with her husband. That experience really seemed to bring the two of them closer together. Even though it did mean less sex, having been apart made her realize that she loved him so much that the lack of sex wasn't a big deal. 


In the short term, what you could do is to post something in the Good Partner thread. Going through some of the things she does or the characteristics she has that you love her for could counteract some of the saddness you must feel after having written this post. If nothing else, it will help you to not be quite so depressed today. 


Have some more :cake: . 

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Love doesn't conquer all, does it.


What would you do differently if you could turn back time?

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