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What are you thinking: Gender Edition :)


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TMI

 

When people scream and shout you gotta accept your boobs i just want to curl up Under a blanket and scream.

 I seriously don't get how you can come to terms with your boobs if they cause dysphoria, that totally doesn't make sense!

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now I'm having negative thoughts about my body. not OK with my existence rn but eh. what can you do.... :/

 

luckily not exactly in a bad mood. kind light spirited really. but I'm just... idk... 

 

 

the body I'm in right now, it stopped feeling like mine a few days ago, not a new feeling actually it was nice to have my body feel to belong a little bit. but now I'm back to feeling disconnected from it. I guess that's why my mood is generally even despite my negative self image. it's old hat. xD

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I have realize that in more and more of my dreams i am not male. But something more unclear and that makes me happy. :) Like i dont have a body i am more like a flying camera. It is really hard to  describe. And i think that i am could with feminme pronouns. And as i said this makes me happy because my dreams hurts, for in a world that is in my head things should be more right, right? 

 

When i am could she here it makes so much sence. It makes me so happy, just a little thing like that.:) 

Anyway i am just rambling now.

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I just had a bit of doubt thinking I don't feel male at all. I just consider myself a girl that wants to be a guy at least physically.

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:redface: right now I don't care how feminine I look, I look cute :blush:

 

I've always dreamed of being a cutie :3

 

I could be cuter tho -_-:lol: oh me

 

it's funny (or annoying, depending on my mood lol) how much me self-opinion changes. I'm grateful that I always can remember that I am transfeminine tho. Somehow, that (emotionally, authentically, intuitively) wins the self-doubts I have about it.

 

but, sometimes, the self-doubt I have makes me so depressed. *sigh*

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Yes self-doubt is a nasty thing i know that first hand *hugs*

And it is awesome that you feel cute:)

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Speaking of dreams, I had a really strange dream in which I was a man (all hairy and stuff) and was pregnant (with boobs with milk too, ouch, ew)? Hmmm. I guess all those tranings and thoughts about preganancy made this really wierd conglomerate in my head.

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36 minutes ago, Kimmie. said:

I have realize that in more and more of my dreams i am not male. But something more unclear and that makes me happy. :) Like i dont have a body i am more like a flying camera. It is really hard to  describe. And i think that i am could with feminme pronouns. And as i said this makes me happy because my dreams hurts, for in a world that is in my head things should be more right, right? 

 

When i am could she here it makes so much sence. It makes me so happy, just a little thing like that.:) 

Anyway i am just rambling now.

yeah it's weird and annoying that the majority of my dreams where I'm self-inserted (cause I'm only self-inserted in about 40% of my dreams, usually it's first-person tho (but not always for that either) but anyway what I was saying is, it's weird and annoying that the majority of my self-inserted dreams are male.

 

actually lately tho it's been better, I've been a MTF somewhere along the line of transitioning and being out :blush: but that's only really been within the past two months.

 

 

oh hm, how many months have I been on HRT now??

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TMI

speaking of hairy and boobs, I annoying grew hair on my chest in a small circle around my nipples several months before I got to be on HRT. And one of the first second changes that happened was my areolas expanded. and gosh does that juxtaposition of hair and areola make my nipples so sore :(

 

thankfully a lot of my body hair, including that around my nips, have receded and weakened by a significant margin at this point. most of the hair around my nipples are no longer within the areola at this point ^_^

 

I wonder what is the best way to react to my body hair to allow it to fall out naturally the fastest? let it grow, shave it, or would I need interventative measures from a professional? I hear, that the nipples are very sensitive to such things. :( so I hope that they can all fall out on their own... but how?

 

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@Danny99 oh! you've changed your username :o hehe.

 

sorry if I've been unresponsive compared to before. I have a bad habit of being so explainy to people on default so I've been muting myself a lot lately, which means I'm generally uncomfortable right now with responding directly to things people say in general. . . so if you noticed and was wondering why I was distant, it was (and usually is) 100% because of my own insecurities and shit.

 

especially since you had said in some thread that you sometimes felt like you let others choose for you what to think, so I want to make sure to give you space to think things through without my bias :3

 

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I had all kinds of gender dreams. I had dreams in which I am "just me", whatever I was. Dreams in which I was female, male, dreams about pregnancy, sex, babies, protecting loved ones, and a dream in which I was FtM, like, physically. I had a dream in which I was an alien too...

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3 minutes ago, float on said:

TMI

speaking of hairy and boobs, I annoying grew hair on my chest in a small circle around my nipples several months before I got to be on HRT. And one of the first second changes that happened was my areolas expanded. and gosh does that juxtaposition of hair and areola make my nipples so sore :(

 

thankfully a lot of my body hair, including that around my nips, have receded and weakened by a significant margin at this point. most of the hair around my nipples are no longer within the areola at this point ^_^

 

I wonder what is the best way to react to my body hair to allow it to fall out naturally the fastest? let it grow, shave it, or would I need interventative measures from a professional? I hear, that the nipples are very sensitive to such things. :( so I hope that they can all fall out on their own... but how?

 

So the body hair slows down when on hrt? I thought that the only way to get rid of it was laser. 

I hate my body hair with a passion. It is basically the biggest trigger of dysphoria right now.

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7 minutes ago, float on said:

@Danny99 oh! you've changed your username :o hehe.

 

sorry if I've been unresponsive compared to before. I have a bad habit of being so explainy to people on default so I've been muting myself a lot lately, which means I'm generally uncomfortable right now with responding directly to things people say in general. . . so if you noticed and was wondering why I was distant, it was (and usually is) 100% because of my own insecurities and shit.

 

especially since you had said in some thread that you sometimes felt like you let others choose for you what to think, so I want to make sure to give you space to think things through without my bias :3

 

It's okay.

 

And I just never trust my own thoughts in general, heh.

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Body hair falls out. I lost most of my body hair when I was taking hormones (I'm full of steroids and my T is high too). I think I'm up for electrolysis if I decide against transitioning, because... damn the hair everywhere!

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7 minutes ago, Danny99 said:

I just never trust my own thoughts

Unneceserily. I mean, it's useful to do a logical check... but... it doesn't matter who thought this...

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1 hour ago, Kimmie. said:

So the body hair slows down when on hrt? I thought that the only way to get rid of it was laser. 

I hate my body hair with a passion. It is basically the biggest trigger of dysphoria right now.

T-blockers are enough to lesson body hair expression. I dunno how much estrogen effects skin and body hair, apparently it does, but I was on t blockers alone for a month before adding estrogen, and in that first month I noticed a significant change in my skin (softer, smoother, less dry) and a significant change in my body hair (its rate of growth hugely reduced, and a lot less oil produced by my body to coat the hairs)

 

since then slowly over, idk, ~6 months, the count - aka frequency - of hairs is thinner, the color and thickness of the hair folicles themselves are thinner, and other than my legs and face and armpits those body hairs (which all were younger - not showing until after 19 or even after 22 as much as they did when 25) those sections receded. Not sure if this was from estrogen or blockers or both, not sure if this was possible because of being new to my body or not.

 

actually, the first several months my endocrinologist kept having to up my does of T-blockers, and during that time I had some new hair growth, which was dumb AF, but those areas were the first to recede. I suspect that my body was just producing more T to compensate for the blocked.

 

also the hairs now, they shave a lot lot lot better than before. I can shave the front of my thighs without necessarily getting ingrown, which I could never do before, tho I don't really needta anymore to "look" cleanshaven lol :3 and, I can get a closer shave on my face too, without nearly the same work as before, quicker. and a lot less itchy/painful! haha I'm so pleased :)

 

my hair growth has always been low for a male tho.

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it is :D are you started with HRT yet? I assume you intend to?

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2 minutes ago, float on said:

it is :D are you started with HRT yet? I assume you intend to?

It is the plan. I need to start the evaluation first at one of the gender teams. That one takes atleast 2 years by law. And the waiting list is over a year right now. And to get on the waiting list i have to go to a therapist that can send a request to a team. This is the price for free health care i guess.

But you can get hormone blockers from day one at the gender team apparently.

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12 minutes ago, Kimmie. said:

It is the plan. I need to start the evaluation first at one of the gender teams. That one takes atleast 2 years by law. And the waiting list is over a year right now. And to get on the waiting list i have to go to a therapist that can send a request to a team. This is the price for free health care i guess.

But you can get hormone blockers from day one at the gender team apparently.

what D: that sounds ridiculous two years?

 

over here in PA at the Mazzoni center, it seemed the waiting list for a therapist was about 6 months to a year, and I thought that was high xD but it's in high demand and low supply at the least... not to mention the gatekeeping in the trans health community :( at least Mazzoni C. is trying to improve there.

 

But, actually as it turned out, I get HRT prescripted from an Endocrinologist, and that's seperate from the therapy. It was only 2 weeks to a month delay each time I scheduled an appointment with her, and their policy was 1) an intake (not with the endocrinologist, someone else who does intakees) 2) a second meeting with the endocrinologist herself, forget realyl why that was 3) third meeting where I'd talk to her to confirm my intention and get the prescription

 

tho, because I didn't have information, she was hesitant to prescribe, but recently I came to realize that isn't gatekeeping that's risk-avoidance that is common to surgery and meds of all sorts. But, she did have me talk to a "trans health specialist" who met with me for an hour (I only see the Endo. for 15 minutes) and the specialist sat down and was real great she talked me through a lot of my insecurities and questions and indecision about how to work with the hormones. Like, for example I was surprised about that hormones bring infertility while on hormones, but risk losing it for permanent as well, and I was scared of getting boobs too fast (which, they came in too fast and that scared me, but well over several months I got OK with it) but those scares made the Endo hesitant to prescribe (rightly so tho at the time annoyingly so) so talking to the specialist IMO was necessary (and honestly I'm pissed at Mazzoni that I was basically asking for that appointment for almost a year before they realized I wanted it)

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2 minutes ago, float on said:

what D: that sounds ridiculous two years?

 

over here in PA at the Mazzoni center, it seemed the waiting list for a therapist was about 6 months to a year, and I thought that was high xD but it's in high demand and low supply at the least... not to mention the gatekeeping in the trans health community :( at least Mazzoni C. is trying to improve there.

 

But, actually as it turned out, I get HRT prescripted from an Endocrinologist, and that's seperate from the therapy. It was only 2 weeks to a month delay each time I scheduled an appointment with her, and their policy was 1) an intake (not with the endocrinologist, someone else who does intakees) 2) a second meeting with the endocrinologist herself, forget realyl why that was 3) third meeting where I'd talk to her to confirm my intention and get the prescription

 

tho, because I didn't have information, she was hesitant to prescribe, but recently I came to realize that isn't gatekeeping that's risk-avoidance that is common to surgery and meds of all sorts. But, she did have me talk to a "trans health specialist" who met with me for an hour (I only see the Endo. for 15 minutes) and the specialist sat down and was real great she talked me through a lot of my insecurities and questions and indecision about how to work with the hormones. Like, for example I was surprised about that hormones bring infertility while on hormones, but risk losing it for permanent as well, and I was scared of getting boobs too fast (which, they came in too fast and that scared me, but well over several months I got OK with it) but those scares made the Endo hesitant to prescribe (rightly so tho at the time annoyingly so) so talking to the specialist IMO was necessary (and honestly I'm pissed at Mazzoni that I was basically asking for that appointment for almost a year before they realized I wanted it)

The thing that takes time is that you need one of gender diagnosis(like transsexualism i think it is could) to be able to get on HRT. And the 2 years thing is to be sure that you actaully need it because yeah it can do some damage if you are wrong,and that it is payed with tax money. 

But i have heard so many horror stories about gatekepping. People feel like they need to lie about them self so they will fit the mold and so on.

 

But i have heard i am not sure if this is true or not but if you say that will start to self medicate, they will help will the blood tests and that. Because you are there client and it is there job to keep you safe.

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D: dang that's annoying

 

tho tbh - I was gonna say I didn't need it except ironically enough, I had it by the time I saw the endo. I didn't know I could see the endo until I finally got to the therapist, lol. He gave me the impression I could've just seen the Endo. without seeing him, but I gotta say that I honestly dunno, maybe I needed the diagnosis. tho, I wonder if maybe the Endo. could've diagnosed me herself lol who knows.

 

 

I think it's kinda dumb, but sort of understandable, but still annoying :unsure:

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rambling

Spoiler

 

heh like on the one hand, I think that it's very wise to like, encourage people to self-reflect to better be sure of what they want, and also to make sure people have the accurate info. And, whatnot, but the thing is - it's unfair to force that on people 'cause many people go through a lot of that on their own - in some ways in fact I was more educated about gender and sexuality than my therapist and even my endo, tho she was of course more knowledgeable on the medical side of it than I even am now, 'cause I'm not at all educated on that side of it. I think the trans heath specialist might be more knowledgeable than me tho :blush: I really like her (thankfully it ain't a crush haha that was scary when I wasn't sure. she's just real awesome :D)

 

 

but - right. but on the other hand, to gatekeep is so unhealthy way of doing it. I'd more expect, 1) to have specialists who do an intake where they talk for you for an hour about certain topics that the clinic feels are pre-requisite to make sure it's on the patients mind (as in, to bring the topic up for them) but not to restrict them from their decision. and 2) to also give them an education session on the things that will happen could happen both positively and negatively, with a booklet or a few pamphlets or something, and these are required before accepting a request for a prescription, but only "participation" required, does that make sense?

 

 

that to gatekeep is bad but to provide minimal education services is almost essential. I think that if the person seems quite clueless, tho, it's OK to gatekeep, but not like... not like... hm. Like, be receptive to their needs, y'know? "gatekeeping" that I envision is "scheduling multiple appointments to talk with them before finally giving them the prescription" lol. Delay tactics - delivered with listening, acceptance, supportive dialog+subtext, and educational content.

 

gosh :redface: I'm talkative today.

 

I should probs. seriously think about looking for a position in Mazzoni center or similar places. lol! I'm thinking about creating a youtube channel and brand :redface:

 

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If it wasn't for my voice changing, I'd want to take testosterone. But I can't handle the stresses of sight singing class and singing groups normally, let alone if my voice started to change. But I want to look more masculine and growing a beard would be cool. But that'll never happen. My mom said she's fine with anything but a girl in a beard, and to her that's what I'd be... T is out. Binding would work on some occasions, but I need massive amounts  of air support at least twice a day in classes. So I wouldn't be able to wear it when I want them gone the most. And there's the issue of getting one. My roommates don't know anything, so getting a binder is impossible. What else can I do to look less like a girl?

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55 minutes ago, float on said:

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

heh like on the one hand, I think that it's very wise to like, encourage people to self-reflect to better be sure of what they want, and also to make sure people have the accurate info. And, whatnot, but the thing is - it's unfair to force that on people 'cause many people go through a lot of that on their own - in some ways in fact I was more educated about gender and sexuality than my therapist and even my endo, tho she was of course more knowledgeable on the medical side of it than I even am now, 'cause I'm not at all educated on that side of it. I think the trans heath specialist might be more knowledgeable than me tho :blush: I really like her (thankfully it ain't a crush haha that was scary when I wasn't sure. she's just real awesome :D)

 

 

but - right. but on the other hand, to gatekeep is so unhealthy way of doing it. I'd more expect, 1) to have specialists who do an intake where they talk for you for an hour about certain topics that the clinic feels are pre-requisite to make sure it's on the patients mind (as in, to bring the topic up for them) but not to restrict them from their decision. and 2) to also give them an education session on the things that will happen could happen both positively and negatively, with a booklet or a few pamphlets or something, and these are required before accepting a request for a prescription, but only "participation" required, does that make sense?

 

 

I should probs. seriously think about looking for a position in Mazzoni center or similar places. lol! I'm thinking about creating a youtube channel and brand :redface:

 

Do that if you are up for it. Places like that probably need anyone they can get. That of course is suitable and I think you probably are.

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TFW you are three blocks away from your house and see some construction workers glance your way as you turn round the corner and suddenly realized you've got a shadow and hairy shins but clearly feminine attire on and you did not emotionally prepare yourself for being so obvious out in public before you left the house :redface:

 

 

:blush: lol I forgot myself :lol:

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49 minutes ago, Kimmie. said:

That of course is suitable and I think you probably are.

:blush:  tyty

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57 minutes ago, Lirpaderp said:

If it wasn't for my voice changing, I'd want to take testosterone. But I can't handle the stresses of sight singing class and singing groups normally, let alone if my voice started to change. But I want to look more masculine and growing a beard would be cool. But that'll never happen. My mom said she's fine with anything but a girl in a beard, and to her that's what I'd be... T is out. Binding would work on some occasions, but I need massive amounts  of air support at least twice a day in classes. So I wouldn't be able to wear it when I want them gone the most. And there's the issue of getting one. My roommates don't know anything, so getting a binder is impossible. What else can I do to look less like a girl?

avoid scoop necks and v-necks.

 

my fashion in high school was to always weare a hoodie. later on hoodies were replaced with men's button-down shirts that look casual or nice and I wore 'em lose and opened up. baggy trousers and jeans were good.

 

it won't make you "look like a boy" but you'll look more masculine, if you copied any of that, it could help. avoid pushup bras of course. wear boxers with your baggy jeans tho, they slide down your waste.

 

but uh, that's one specific style that I personally wore xD might not be your preferred look xD

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58 minutes ago, Lirpaderp said:

If it wasn't for my voice changing, I'd want to take testosterone. But I can't handle the stresses of sight singing class and singing groups normally, let alone if my voice started to change. But I want to look more masculine and growing a beard would be cool. But that'll never happen. My mom said she's fine with anything but a girl in a beard, and to her that's what I'd be... T is out. Binding would work on some occasions, but I need massive amounts  of air support at least twice a day in classes. So I wouldn't be able to wear it when I want them gone the most. And there's the issue of getting one. My roommates don't know anything, so getting a binder is impossible. What else can I do to look less like a girl?

In my experience without hormones you're... limited. However. Sports bras are good. You can use those that compress. Clothes from the men's section. Layering. Unisex clothes. Loose. Dark tops, or with prints on the front. You can consider cutting your hair short if you haven't already. Button downs. Polo shirts. Cargos. Sporty clothes. 

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squared shoulders look masculine, and also sports jackets and leather jackets that are not feminine cut.

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