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What are you thinking: Gender Edition :)


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@Kimmie. Off topic, but I LOVE your new icon!

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Right now im thinking if i had a penis would i still be ace? 

Because in my mind i feel like id just be fucking bitches all day and night.

 

Maybe i just being a man would make me cooler or something i dont know. babes all day kinda sounds fun. wont happen in this life.

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16 minutes ago, ChillaKilla said:

@Kimmie. Off topic, but I LOVE your new icon!

Thanks:)

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Thought dump, I need to type some stuff out.

 

Work friend: No gaming tonight, DM isn't feeling well.

Me: Score! I mean, dang, sorry guys.

Now I can continue to research gender stuff like a madperson instead of making my character.

 

I can't focus on things, even good tv, which used to be easy peasy. I could devour a season in a day, and now I can't even focus through a single ep of Stranger Things without being not sober. I can't stop questioning my gender/sexuality/mess. I'm at a point where I feel like I know what I am pretty solidly, but my anxiety and the logic side of my brain are forcing me to go on this endless what-if spree. Like, how much do you want to transition? Are you really trans if you don't want to tell anyone? Do you want to tell anyone? Yes?? But uncertainty! And fear! Eep! And what if it's awkward? Cause it so will be. And what if you're wrong? What if that? Shit son, what if that? But, what if not that..?

Uggghhhh, I'm mentally exhausted to the point it's becoming physical. I would like professional help. x_x

Also I've been disassociating a lot?? I just didn't know that was the word for the thing I do? That I think I've kinda just always done?

 

I've also been having these recurring thoughts about never making it as a writer because of my non-binary status and strong desire to write non cishet characters basically all the time. And I'm kinda ok wIth that cause I'd still be writing what I wanna write, and that's the point, but I have a strong desire to have my work seen and I just worry a lot that that won't happen, and it frequently paralyzes me in the creative process. When I can even focus enough to sit down and be creative that is. 

 

I want to snuggle an entire pile of chill dogs inside a blanket fort and never come back out.

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999papercranes
1 hour ago, Shoggoth said:

I can't focus on things, even good tv, which used to be easy peasy. I could devour a season in a day, and now I can't even focus through a single ep of Stranger Things without being not sober. I can't stop questioning my gender/sexuality/mess. I'm at a point where I feel like I know what I am pretty solidly, but my anxiety and the logic side of my brain are forcing me to go on this endless what-if spree. Like, how much do you want to transition? Are you really trans if you don't want to tell anyone? Do you want to tell anyone? Yes?? But uncertainty! And fear! Eep! And what if it's awkward? Cause it so will be. And what if you're wrong? What if that? Shit son, what if that? But, what if not that..?

Uggghhhh, I'm mentally exhausted to the point it's becoming physical. I would like professional help. x_x

Damn. I relate hard to all of this. 

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I'm doubting myself again, thinking "but i like to role play as girls in video games and like pretending to be feminine when I'm not and I like really getting into it" and "I'm fine with being a girl. I just really fucking hate my (female) body sometimes. but that's normal right?" and tmi

Spoiler

"Every girl has wanted a penis at least once, right? who would't want to have sex and masturbate as a guy? that's a whole lot better than having sex or masturbating as a girl,ugh"

 

i just-- i feel terrible right now. that pretty much the only reason the only reason i want to be a guy is sexual and i've thought maybe my self esteem would be a bit better if i didn't have this body.

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I'm thinking about whether I really wanna go outside at all but I'm so hungry.

 

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The Gnat (Natalie)
On 8/29/2017 at 9:34 AM, float on said:

I was thinking just now, how awkward it was that I used to think my admiration of other women and wanting to friends with them, or to be more like them, was sexual attraction xD made for some uncomfortable moments for sure :unsure:

I know this isn't really about gender, but I just want to say that I relate to this on a spiritual level

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I could say the same about the lower parts. I can't help the feeling that I'm missing something in there. At some point I was convinced that I have this sensation, because I was really born a boy and they made me into a girl before I could remember :P 

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I'm in a talkative mood today. 

 

I feel like the gender issues are fading somehow for me. I feel relief. It's like they... I don't hit the floor. I swing back to balance. I think I learnt how to deal with them, actually. I know better what works for me. I feel like being a dude? I watch some acrion anime, I wear guy clothes and do all kinds of masculine shit... Yeah, I think this is what I wanted all this time actually. And daring to say to some people in the college that I'm genderqueer just like that feels like a huge achievement. But... I think this is a result of feeling more at ease with myself too. 

 

I need sleep. Badly. I could sleep all day.

 

I also managed to not think about gender all the time and read a book when I was bored. 

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I haven’t noticed any changes to my body in over a month :(

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That moment when you look around and you're the only crazy person on campus wearing a hoodie in the middle of the day in a tropical climate at a place where you have to walk a lot and the air conditioners are not working at all, just because you're trans and properly hiding your body shape takes priority over protecting yourself against heatstroke, peer judgement, and just generally looking insane.

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yeah I done that a lot

 

 

 

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it's so strange how, what "gender dysphoria" means to me, just keeps changing over time.

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Why is my face made out of sandpaper? 

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If I could ever transition, I think I'd honestly want to keep my smooth skin because I actually like it

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mmm I love my smooth skin :wub:

 

I took a bath yesterday and then went to bed and then as I was laying there I touched my face and then I melted at how smooth it was WTF I didn't know skin could be this smooth

 

of course, I can only get that from the top half my face lol :lol:

 

:(

dumb facial hair, go away.

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:o I really should make more calls and appointments and whatnot, I really need to step up my game.

 

I could be doing so many things already if only I just got up and did 'em.

 

(hair removal is one of em)

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7 hours ago, float on said:

:(

dumb facial hair, go away.

I wish I could trade you. I have one hair on my chin and that's it. I would love to have a beard. Then I'd always be called he 😊. And I've always wanted one. But I can't take T, so no beard for me.

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PixleyDust✨

Just thinking how weird genderfluidity is for me:

I'm biologically female (and okay with it), but I feel I have definitive feminine, masculine, and neutral personalities.

However, even if I'm feeling REALLY masculine, I still feel insulted (we're talking about some MAJOR hurt feelings here) if someone mistakes me for a man.

Wtf. :lol:
 

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9 hours ago, Pixley said:

Just thinking how weird genderfluidity is for me:

I'm biologically female (and okay with it), but I feel I have definitive feminine, masculine, and neutral personalities.

However, even if I'm feeling REALLY masculine, I still feel insulted (we're talking about some MAJOR hurt feelings here) if someone mistakes me for a man.

Wtf. :lol:
 

Most genderfluid people I know (if not all of them) consider their genderfluidity to be a fundamental change in their gender identity for that period of time, not merely an (arguably normal) fluctuation in their personality. If they are feeling masculine, they in that moment are a man, and would never be insulted by being referred to as such- quite the opposite. If you referred to them as anything other than "he" in the moment, they would be dysphoric about it. Being genderfluid is more than just changing the levels of masculinity/femininity in your outward appearance.

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I'm afraid that if I ever transitioned or came out as anything that people would be too careful with how they talk about, what they say, if they think they'd say something offensive, idk.

 

I hate that, because I wouldn't want people to be too careful around me since it's confusing to me too. The only things I'd be offended by would be calling me f*****, a t***, a t*****, or telling me I should act a certain way I'd be male and gay, or assuming some stereotypical thing. I'm not offended by "used to be a girl" or  gay stereotypes as long as no one actually believes them and just says them for fun or as a joke instead of assuming something about me.

 

Maybe that'll change, I don't know. again I'm just spewing theoretical things I think of.

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Looking at my photos, short hair actually does give me a more boyish look. Even the bob. 

Hooray. I discovered something that makes me look like a boy :lol: 

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Lonemathsytoothbrushthief

I've realised what I'd actually love to see in the mirror in terms of gender expression is not androgyny, but half masculine and half feminine presentation, or at least I'd prefer that to the mainstream idea of androgyny. Right now I have long hair one side short on the other and did it in a plait, so I  kind of do feel feminine on one side and masculine on the other xD don't get me wrong, my expression is not the priority with gender stuff, it's just I feel like that would be a much more fun way of presenting androgynously. I don't see why everything has to look like some sort of fashion, some things are socially considered weird but without much reason and they're fun anyway. Also my god am I getting fed up of this nightly clash of libido and dysphoria, this sucks arghwnjekjerkrmfmf. Regardless of my wanting to not play into masculinity too much, I really really just want to wake up with pecs, no chest lumps and a lanky body with practically no discernible hips because why should they be on someone with no interest in sex.

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I wish I could just magically tun into a cis guy or that that GOD DAMN "WE'LL ALL LIVE IN VR SOMEDAY" WOULD FUCKING HAPPEN ALREADY SO I CAN STOP SUFFERING AND WOULDN'T HAVE TO COME OUT TO MY PARENTS BECAUSE THEY DON'T FUCKING BELIEVE ME.

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On 3-11-2017 at 3:22 PM, ChillaKilla said:

Most genderfluid people I know (if not all of them) consider their genderfluidity to be a fundamental change in their gender identity for that period of time, not merely an (arguably normal) fluctuation in their personality. If they are feeling masculine, they in that moment are a man, and would never be insulted by being referred to as such- quite the opposite. If you referred to them as anything other than "he" in the moment, they would be dysphoric about it. Being genderfluid is more than just changing the levels of masculinity/femininity in your outward appearance.

Oh yeah, definetly. 

Reason why i always complain about people ma’aming me at random in my masculine days..it just doesn’t feel okay!

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I feel like if I didn't have these goddamn lumps on my chest and I had a beard, or at least stubble, nobody would question my pronouns and I wouldn't have to change my name because I'd look so masculine that they'd start to think of my name as less of a girl name. That'd be awesome but it can't happen. T can't ever happen. The most I can do is get a binder. But I don't have the guts to get one.

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