What are you thinking: Gender Edition :)

[binary suns]

while it's normal for anyone to dislike their body, especially women, that doesn't make it healthy "just" being a cis girl who hates her body still makes you a person who hates their body. it's a difficult challenge to face. I can reassure you that you have a human's healthy and beautiful body, if that helps. I totally understand not being satisfied with that alone,  it is not an easy sentiment to live with

 

 

[binary suns]

i dunno what is going to be my future. will I look pretty? or will I keep looking awkwardly androgenous and never get myself into a look i really like. then what... give up? can't reverse now. well, now I could, I could just always wear over shirts to hide the curve of my chest...

 

[K.I.N.G]

Of course I out of all people would have that "lovely" hourglass figure and because one doctor took a freaking peek at my sex organs and declared me a girl, i now by societies standards have to live as a female unless i go an make a hundred f***ing changes just to put some doubt into everyone's thoughts never mind actually being accepted as male which I many never be able to be due to ridiculously high costs.

And here i sit jealous of my brothers and angry that I didn't get that opportunity to grow up male because biology messed up and our culture is too twisted to have equal rights no matter what the gender.

Why do i even have breasts?!?!?! I utter hate them! they're not even freaking mine - they belong to some poor transwoman who didn't get that luxury. When will brain swapping become a thing???? a love undoubtably female body here if anyone is up for it.

Excuse the rant - I'm just so completely Sick and tired of being seen as a female. It's just not who I am but never the less it's how I'm perceived and its first impressions that count for some bs reason.

[Was here]

yet another very tmi/nsfw post

Spoiler

so i found a post about some woman going on and on about how great clitorises are and how they're better than penises and it just baffled me. It actually made me cry because I didn't understand it. I had another,"Why would anyone like that part of their body? Why doesn't she hate it??" again.

 

I actually touched that...thing..earlier (not in a sexual way, god no.) it felt so gross and disappointing. and tiny, because it is. (warning: more trans doubt) Maybe I'm being weird and whiny after all, touching my genitals already grosses me out. I don't know if them being different would make me feel any different.

 

I've been feeling bad to that I'm complaining about my body every day when it's not that bad to deal with and because a bunch of trans girls really want a body like this.. and I'm complaining about something a lot of people probably want badly.

 

I wish i was possible to give trans people the parts they really want, though. Even if I'm actually a girl I would donate my uterus to a trans woman without regret.

 

I realize how stupid my constant doubt looks.

 

[K.I.N.G]

4 minutes ago, Danny99 said:

yet another very tmi/nsfw post

  Hide contents

so i found a post about some woman going on and on about how great clitorises are and how they're better than penises and it just baffled me. It actually made me cry because I didn't understand it. I had another,"Why would anyone like that part of their body? Why doesn't she hate it??" again.

 

I actually touched that...thing..earlier (not in a sexual way, god no.) it felt so gross and disappointing. and tiny, because it is. (warning: more trans doubt) Maybe I'm being weird and whiny after all, touching my genitals already grosses me out. I don't know if them being different would make me feel any different.

 

I've been feeling bad to that I'm complaining about my body every day when it's not that bad to deal with and because a bunch of trans girls really want a body like this.. and I'm complaining about something a lot of people probably want badly.

 

I wish i was possible to give trans people the parts they really want, though. Even if I'm actually a girl I would donate my uterus to a trans woman without regret.

 

I realize how stupid my constant doubt looks.

 

I can assure you that youre not being weird and whiny - i personally completely get what you're on about and feel the same - but when nature decides to stick such complex machines such as our brains into such simple and uniform things as our bodies its impossible for there to not be a mixup or utter chaos caused by this system.

 

Ive also been extremely sex repulsed so to say this most of this past year though only recently have really realised why.

 

why must it be so hard for us to make ourselves look like we feel on the inside????

 

[binary suns]

A dangerous growth messed with the hormone production and gave them the wrong type of puberty for their sex.

 

would be nice if that were a medical diagnosis. 

[K.I.N.G]

7 hours ago, float on said:

A dangerous growth messed with the hormone production and gave them the wrong type of puberty for their sex.

 

would be nice if that were a medical diagnosis. 

Agreed - biology fucked up.

 

Today has been complete and utter shit with my dysphoria flaring up to unseen levels - I cannot stop thinking about how the keep looking and seeing me as a girl and there's just nothing I can do about  it without coming out which in my situation is completely out of the question.

 

Having a panic attack in the shower didn't help matters - ah yes life is a fucked up as ever.

 

Also why can i not take this freaking jumper off???? it is literally the only piece of clothing i feel comfortable in atm. I should find better coping mechanisms cause this thing will need to go in the wash eventually.

[binary suns]

practice facing your thoughts and emotions. with time, and consistency of practice, your strength in facing them can be built.

it takes a lot of time. in my worst year with anxiety was when I started, with a moment in which I dared to I would cease my engagement. no music, no screen, not task to focus on. only myself and my thoughts. and at that time, was the worst anxiety I had in my life. I was crippled for the large majority of the week, imprisoned in my own room, hiding from my thoughts and from my emotions, distracting myself from them as best I could manage. sometimes I would open several tabs of music on youtube on repeat, and play my game, and it was barely enough. that was the most I could do to distract myself. but at that time, at times I would dare to remove all those distractions, and for a few seconds, to face my emotions and thoughts head-on and allow them to be, allow them to exist with my attention on them. and it took nearly 4 months to reach a point when these moments facing myself, could last for at least aminute consistently. and another 3 months after that before, sometimes I would face myself like that for as much as 15 minutes, and in fact at that point, discover that if I was patient enough, my anxieties would meander until they found a positive side to their concern. something good to see, in contrast to what I feared. and it took another half year or longer not sure - to reduce the time I needed to see those positives, to mere seconds. I still suffer in the face of my anxieties - but I am unafraid in that suffering, and also at the same time find some hope to help keep myself willing to push forward. I look like a man, but someday I will be able to look like a woman. I may look like a man, but I feel like a woman now to honest belief in it. I may look like a man, but my close allies know I am a woman. so while the anxiety brings suffer, so does the anxiety bring joy now. and it no longer builds on itself until I am crippled by it. it took me nearly 3 years to reach this point I am at now, and still I can strangthen myself more. I started out crippled and now I am able.

 

and it all started by daring to challenge myself sometimes in a day, usually only about twice or thrice, to face myself, without anything else. to sit and do nothing, just listen to my mind. that is my coping method. to sit and do nothing. it is a hard one to do, because it itself is not coping, it is allowing the fears to be strong. but in allowing that, I find the strength over time to do that on a regular basis, and when I am using that strength which I practiced to hold strong despite my fears, that is when it is a coping method. I personally find it to be the best method.

 

[Was here]

"Why do so many people get to be born male, but I didn't?"

 

"Am I just romanticizing being a gay guy?"

 

"I don't know what the hell is wrong with"

 

"Why can't I just decide already instead of going back and forth from,'I'm cis, no I'm trans'"

[binary suns]

I wish I could still just be male and not care, instead of doing this dumb transition thing. But I refuse to go back. it is not an option for me anymore.

 

 

[Was here]

tmi

Spoiler

now some reason I'm worrying i'm bisexual because of wondering if my sexuality would be different if i was a guy, even though i have no desire to date or have sex with women. I would be willing to [merely kiss and have sex with] (if i was a guy biologically), but not out of attraction, and I'm not into vaginas. the idea of touching one absolutely repulses me, including my own. (not that I'd have to touch a vagina, though). although really, it's not even sexual attraction because i don't feel aroused, it's just like a shocked reaction.

 

EDIT: maybe it's because i'd feel selfish for being a gay guy if i'm trans. I have a maybe-crush on a guy i know who's gay, so i know what it's like to like someone you can't have. sometimes i wish i was bi even though i know i'm not and all i feel for girls is aesthetic attraction.

 

[Lirpaderp]

There was a choral concert and at the end we sang the alma mater. The third verse was only women and I didn't sing 😊. I felt so proud after I did it, I was true to myself. But I'm afraid the others noticed. I feel like a fraud cause I'm in a 'girl' singing group... The website says it's a group of women, but in reality it's sopranos and altos. The 'boy' version of this has had girls before, and I was almost in it. But my range doesn't quite go low enough 😥..... I feel like a fraud... We're all addressed as women and it sometimes makes me feel sick to my stomach, and other times I don't care... I wish I never cared

[K.I.N.G]

9 hours ago, Danny99 said:

"Why do so many people get to be born male, but I didn't?"

i ask myself the question every freaking day and am constantly jealous of just about every amab on earth :/

[arekathevampyre]

guy clothes are more comfy than women's

 

 

[binary suns]

had a guest over, friend of the family. elders. the discussion came up of ancestry and they said, "one thing I recommend is - write down your stories. your grandchildren will love to hear em. your great grand children would love to hear em."

 

and then I remembered, wait. will I even have grandchildren? maybe i'll adopt but will that even be the same?

 

and before I could recover from that blow, the conversation had moved to voting, and I commented on being registered in central PA still, and someone jokingly said "oh so I'll go vote for ya" and my dad followed up by telling that story. said "[name] showing up. went to college in 2012 I swear!" deadnaming me.

 

 

I had to excuse myself. I've had enough blows. They don't need to see me holding back a breakdown. and I'll handle it better on my own anyway.

 

 

[K.I.N.G]

On 10/16/2017 at 6:02 AM, arekathevampyre said:

guy clothes are more comfy than women's

 

 

So true - i also personally think the woman's sizing system is also made to fuck with people - the men have it much much simpler. 

[arekathevampyre]

6 minutes ago, I Am Mel said:

So true - i also personally think the woman's sizing system is also made to fuck with people - the men have it much much simpler. 

Good to know that someone agrees with me 

 

Yup . like guys clothes sizing systems goes the normal way : S M L etc 

but for woman's they have to make it so ridiculous and insulting : 4 6 8 10 etc and 12 is PLUS SIZE . I really hate the word PLUS SIZE . 😡

[K.I.N.G]

6 minutes ago, arekathevampyre said:

Good to know that someone agrees with me 

 

Yup . like guys clothes sizing systems goes the normal way : S M L etc 

but for woman's they have to make it so ridiculous and insulting : 4 6 8 10 etc and 12 is PLUS SIZE . I really hate the word PLUS SIZE . 😡

Exactly! no wonder so many females have issues with their weight theses day when they're being told that 12 is plus size! And its not like the system actually matters cause every freaking shop you go in has a different version on what a size 12 is - in some stores a size 12 pair of trousers is fucking ginormous and the next you can barely squeeze into them! 

[arekathevampyre]

2 hours ago, I Am Mel said:

Exactly! no wonder so many females have issues with their weight theses day when they're being told that 12 is plus size! And its not like the system actually matters cause every freaking shop you go in has a different version on what a size 12 is - in some stores a size 12 pair of trousers is fucking ginormous and the next you can barely squeeze into them! 

Yeah totally !!! Makes me hate to go clothes shopping !!

[Was here]

I'm doubting myself again,thinking I'm being ridiculous. That I'm just being delusional, I researched too much and now I think I'm trans, or something.

 

I don't even feel like a guy at all, so why do i want to be one? Being a guy doesn't feel natural to me and always being looked at as a guy sounds scary to me. I'm a girl - I know I am - but I want a male body so bad and i don't know why. I should probably just suck it up and deal with it, it's not that bad. I'm just being whiny. The idea of transitioning to a guy but still calling myself a girl feels disrespecful and wrong, and would confuse people.

 

EDIT: I just thought about how i'm so confused, it wouldn't matter what people called me. I just want a different body that I think would make me happy. 'think'. I wish I could shapeshift temporarily, because i'm afraid of transitioning and not liking it. even though i'll never transition anyway because surgery terrifies me and stuff, but I don't know, that's a weird fear I have.

[Guest]

Human: Girls wear pink and boys wear blue

 

Me: Dude, We’re emancipated!

 

While thinking later: Why?????

[Acing It]

11 hours ago, arekathevampyre said:

Yeah totally !!! Makes me hate to go clothes shopping !!

It's even worse when you try order something online. You either end up being lucky, giving up, or sending half of it back.

[K.I.N.G]

I'm still wait for those one size fit all jackets from back to the future II

[binary suns]

I don't care what boys and girls wear. I wear red.

 

I actually think girls clothes are worlds more comfy that might have something to do with the affirmation tho XD 

 

 

 

I'm thinking - what if I want to have a baby? I couldn't have one if I did. I couldn't have grandchildren.

 

 

I'm thinking, so far my new haircut looks ok. IDK.

 

my face looks ok.

 

no, I lie, everything sucks, they're both gross, I'm done!

 

what do I think? which way to go? what is the real life? which is the fantasy?

 

caught in a landslide to escape from reality...

[SkyWorld]

 

So excited! I drove to a health clinic one of my trans friends recommended and I have an appointment this week to get into some information and consent forms for starting HRT. I'm so close to being happier with my body and I'm so excited, trying not to have tears of joy right now!! :'D 

 

Well, the not so great news is that hopefully I can get my health insurance to help cover it, but it's under my mom's name and I don't have all the information I need or else I'd have to py out of pocket. I'll tall to my mom.... but I'm going to be pretty vague about it. Still.  So excited!!!

[Was here]

Spoiler

I keep thinking I should stay a cis girl who just isn't comfortable with her lower parts and is sex repulsed. I keep analyzing my thoughts, and they just aren't realistic most of the time. I imagine myself as this cool guy who never has emotional breakdowns like I do, who's never stressed like I always am. I'm 17 and have low self esteem, of course I'm gonna imagine abetter version of myself no matter who that takes the shape of. 

 

I'm obsessed with trans and gay stuff, and imagine myself putting flags and stuff with the flags on them everywhere, basically screaming ,"HEY LOOK I'M THESE THINGS AREN'T I COOL AND AMAZING WITH MY SUDDEN HIGH EGO AND OBSESSIVE EXPRESSION OF BEING THESE THINGS??"

 

when i imagine myself as a guy i get so excited that it spirals into unrealistic fantasies that are organized of things like how people think ocd is about being neat and having everything in the right place, only for me it's imagining myself as an awesome guy with trans and gay flags everywhere and whatever else i'd identify as.

 

Maybe I'm just an incredibly confused cis girl with low self esteem. Maybe I'm thinking of this guy version of myself not as me, but as a character. maybe it makes sense because i mostly 'express' myself through stuff online and ever irl much.

 

I understand trans and NB people a lot more now and I'd like to help everyone more, but as for me, I feel like I'm just misinterpreting my thoughts. I'm just a 'special snowflake' who's obsessed with the idea of being a gay trans guy because i feel like it would be exciting to express myself that way [obsessively] since I like that fantasy more than myself for some reason. I legitimately hate my boobs and lower parts most of the time but I'm just not being realistic. I don't have social dysphoria, I just hate being girly and I'm not very fond of my reproductive parts. I don't know what to say anymore except I should learn to like myself [not just my gender/sex] and that I'm being a massive idiot. some of the things i express in my posts are probably just me being dramatic and exaggerating things anyway.

I don't know why this didn't post  i'll put in a spoiler because i'm not feeling as bad right now. 

 

so i've calmed down and started to think more realistically. i wouldn't wanna be the flag waver type. trans flags would just remind me of.....stress. Maybe I'd show a little gay pride every now and then, but trans pride, maybe not that much, if any. I'd like to think I would't be that offended by transphobia either. I don't know.

 

I'm still doubting myself and think I'm being stupid for questioning, though..

 

EDIT: wait, i think i posted in trans musings and rantings instead so i didn't post it here. i'll keep it for context, though.

 

I wonder if i should ever be open about being trans if i am. i would feel kind of embarrassed about it honestly, but i'd want to feel like i wasn't lying? i don't know. note that this is all theoretical, i won't be doing any of this any tie soon, if ever.

 

 

[arekathevampyre]

5 hours ago, Acing It said:

It's even worse when you try order something online. You either end up being lucky, giving up, or sending half of it back.

yup . It will either be too big (if it is a t shirt , i am still okay with it) or too small (have to give it to someone at home who can fit) . Pants are the worse things to buy online because 90% of the time the sizes run smaller than what is written on the size chart . And returning is not an option (if bought internationally)

[binary suns]

If ya wanna work on your self esteem, then go right ahead   I actually worked on my own self in so many ways these past three years, and honestly it really helped me identify myself too.  And be ok with what I found. 

 

Dont worry building self esteem is very possible 

[binary suns]

It's weird because, I don't really feel my boobs that much, like sense their presence on my body. But I no longer feel their absence. Like, I expected I'd be aware of their weight much more than I am. Maybe it's just cause I'm a small cup so far. I'm not upset about it tho

[Emery.]

Gender therapist tomorrow. Hopefully.