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Lack of romance as Self preservation


Allosexualcuddlebear

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Allosexualcuddlebear

Im finding that there is a loss of motivation for acts of intimacy, acts of romance, flirting or even just being present with her in the moments we share. I've basically just turned into a friend she cuddles with. I dont see the point in romance because it just leads to cuddles that ignite my desire for her then make me feel guilty for wanting it. I steer away from romance as a form of self protection and preservation NOT because I look as sex as a sort of compensation for romance.

 

How trippy is that that im protecting myself from someone I love by not allowing myself to love them.

I feel miserable because I feel Ive put so much effort into understanding her sexuality and compromising. But feel she has done nothing to understand the slew of emotions I'm feeling or the reasons why I value sex. Im starting to feel resentful towards my best friend. 

 

I have forgotten what it means to feel close to her. I cry when I masturbate thinking of a time when I felt a close connection to her that was facilitated through sex. And I cry or agonize about it almost everyday.

 

I am so in love. She is the most beautiful person to me. I have faith we can make this work but its a two way street. 

 

-How can I encourage her to understand my experience and compromise with me instead of me doing all the compromising?

-How can I find the motivation for romance again?

-How do I allow myself to feel and love entirely without compromising myself as a person?

 

PLEASE HELP

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Allosexualcuddlebear

We have been dating a year now. At first we had considerable amount of sex and then suddenly there was a dramatic decline in frequency. I know sexuality is fluid, the sex might come back or it may not, so i understand but i cant help but to feel these emotions. I want to encourage more communication on their part so that we can make this work without unnecessary emotional distress. I also don't want to lose a part of me thats intrinsic to who I am. 

 

This is about compromise between two partners not one partner,myself, losing complete touch with their sexuality all the while being riddled with guilt and self doubt.

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Telecaster68

Whatever her feelings about sex, it's unreasonable for her to unilaterally change a fundamental part of the relationship and then refuse to talk about it, and its completely predictable that you've pulled back emotionally in self protection after the consistent rejections. 

 

How have you approached her about it? Calm and framing it as a relationship issue you need to work out together works better than angry accusations, however resentful you might be feeling. Don't necessarily assume it'll be asexuality, but if it is, some asexuals are okay with sex but she'll never actually make you feel sexually desired. If she doesn't want to have sex at all you'll have to consider whether you're okay with never having sex again. Even if you think you will be, make an agreement to review things in six months as you might find it harder than you anticipate now.   

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Allosexualcuddlebear
22 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Whatever her feelings about sex, it's unreasonable for her to unilaterally change a fundamental part of the relationship and then refuse to talk about it, and its completely predictable that you've pulled back emotionally in self protection after the consistent rejections.

I couldnt agree more! Thanks for your understanding. I feel like a fair warning would have helped me manage the sudden decrease in sex better.

 

They have told me that they're graysexual/demisexual as well as telling me that Im the only person they're attracted to. So I feel like the sex we used to have was coming from a genuine place of desire. Now they offer sex the day of or after I have a breakdown which in all honesty isnt ideal, a turn off and really fucking sad, so I always decline. (Maybe schedule sex?)

 

When I bring it up its usually when I breakdown I refrain from using accusatory language and always try to find solutions. But they inadvertantly say hurtful things or i just often feel invalidated or dismissed. 

 

I just want a practical solution/equal compromise. 

 

As much as I love her, I'd be putting both myself AND her in a negative space if i stayed in a relationship with zero sex. Im happy with less but not none at all.

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Allosexualcuddlebear

From the beginning shes gold me shes demisexual and that her sexuality is fluid, going from that to total asexuality. She just doesnt have the desire to have sex with anyone, including me at the moment.

 

She also has depression since before we dated and was on meds that lower libido(lexapril). They recently started transition to a medicine that doesnt lower libido(welbutrin) which is great decision for the both of us and does not go unnoticed. So shes trying but not very communicative, I had to find out by asking her.

 

She's made the transition because she says she does at times, although extremely rarely, feel a sexual urge for me but then her body will not respond whatsoever.

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Allosexualcuddlebear

-How can I encourage her to understand my experience and compromise with me instead of me doing all the compromising?

-How can I find the motivation for romance again?

-How do I allow myself to feel and love entirely without compromising myself as a person?

 

PLEASE HELP

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Telecaster68

How can you get her to understand and compromise? 

 

Every sexual partner on here would love to know  that... Some asexuals understand, some are happy to compromise. Some are clueless and unable to compromise in the least. All you can do is make your needs really really explicitly clear, calmly, out of the bedroom, and explore what she might be able to do. Make it about a relationship issue you can work on together, not about her not putting out. 

 

Honestly, I wouldn't worry about romantic gestures if you're not feeling it. The usual romance 101 stuff doesn't work in the same way with asexuals - there's no juices to get running; and they sometimes get interpreted as you being okay with no sex, whatever you say. Many are aromantic too, so they don't really want anything like that. Of course, if you do feel affectionate, then show it. But look at it this way - she doesn't feel like sex so she's not doing it. If you don't feel like affectionate gestures, don't do them. Lack of sex affects many sexuals like that - it's not game playing, it's natural consequences.  As for it making you horny... well, it will, till the lacked of sex and her dismissal of your needs erodes the intimacy between you. 

 

Feeling and loving without losing a big part of yourself... Well, you are going to have a lose a big part of yourself or it'll torment you forever. That's how it goes in mixed sexual/asexual relationships. 

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Letting them love you means you will be vulnerable. If they get to close it will be very easy to hurt you and it happens all the time. How many have been murdered by a wife, husband, lover, girlfriend. However love can make you feel like you are at the top of the world. Love is a two edge sword. I understand this type of mentality better then most.    

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Treesarepretty
On 8/29/2017 at 6:19 AM, Allosexualcuddlebear said:

-How can I encourage her to understand my experience and compromise with me instead of me doing all the compromising?

-How can I find the motivation for romance again?

-How do I allow myself to feel and love entirely without compromising myself as a person?

Whether she compromises with you is her decision. All you can do is to explain yourself and ask her to help you be okay in this relationship. 

 

What is your experience of sexless/non-physical romance? I mean things like hand made origami Valentine's Day cards, a bottle of your favorite expensive drink, or something similar? For me, it's like being hungry after having not eaten for a day or two, and then being offered a beautifully carved swan made entirely out of ice. It is a nice gift, and the effort is appreciated, but I would really appreciate a sandwich or a bowl of chips and salsa a lot more. 

 

If you feel differently about non-physical romance, maybe that coulf be common ground for you and her. If you don't, then maybe if the two of you explained yourselves to each other more clearly--perhaps by way of analogies--you would find coming to a compromise easier. 

 

Your other two questions have to do with you as an individual, and I do not know you well enough to know where to begin with suggestions. Perhaps, think of physical versus non-physical romance. 

 

Good luck. :cake: 

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