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Flyin'Solo

How does an A deal with someone that hates on As?

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Flyin'Solo

I don't find that many people on here talking about experiences of hatred toward them as asexuals or of violent repression-- the kind of thing you might find commonly in conversations of other sexual minorities (or minorities of anykind, for that matter)-- so I'm really curious about what people's experiences with anti-asexualness are and how they deal with them.

To make it specific, I have a problem.

I have someone in my life-- someone I can't get rid of-- who I percieve as having a big problem with Asexuality. This person is very poiticized and very queer, and gender and sexuality identity politics are a big part of their life. Needless to say, they find heteronormative dominant culture to be very oppressive, and they actively live their life in a way that they think is liberating and revolutionary. It involves having as many queer relationships and as much queer sex as possible, and making those things the centerpiece of every casual relationship and conversation they have.

The thing is that this person-- in all of their impassioned righteousness-- completely exludes asexuality from their reality. The first time that I "came out" to them they frowned at me, sneered, and asked that I explain why. After I told them that I shouldn't have to justify my sexuality, they dillegently agreed (in order to, you know, keep things PC or whatever) and didn't talk about it much. Since then there have been several occasions where this person has asked me about dates that I've had and given me a disgusted look when I told them I didn't have any or that I decided not to seriously persue people I had dated. They have also told me on several occasions that I am in denial of my true feelings.

More recently-- and here is where the personal juicyness comes in-- I've overheard this person talking about me and making absurd comments about my sexuality. They'd say things like "She's so judgemental. She really has a problem with people. I mean, look at her-- she has NO lovers!" and "at least my life isn't like "___'s", SHE HAS NO LOVERS! Not even one!" in a disgusted tone of voice.

At first I felt really sad and really ashamed, too much so to look them in the eye or have a conversation with them. But now I've come to realize that someone really has to be in a painful place to make comments and comparrisons like this; that infact comments like that, when you get down to it, are more self-reflective than they are about me. I feel that I might almost be ready to talk to her about the irresponsible and hurtful way that she views asexuality, but I'm still struggling with what to do.

so.. what do you say to someone like this. I really want to be constructive about it and not antagonistic. She seems pretty close-minded about the whole thing, thinking she already knows everything about human sexuality and all.

have other people had to confront things like this? What has been the best approach/ best way to get the point across?

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-

I think that it sounds like this person does not know how to handle their own sexuality for a start; having loads of casual sex and talking about their own sexuality non-stop seems to suggest that they are on the defence about it. Hopefully that will resolve itself in time when they begin to feel more comfortable with themselves.

Regards their treatment of you; you must present them with imformation on asexuality and be totally direct with them, letting them know how hurt you feel. There is no reason this person should attack you other than because of their own insecurities; I suspect that after they have put massive effort into liberating themselves they find your lack of sexual drive to be almost an insult to what they have had to go through. But it is not your fault, and they must know that you don't appreciate their discrimination.

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ghosts

I think maybe writing a letter to the person is something you could do. You could explain asexuality in the letter, give information from AVEN and a link, and then really get into how much that person has hurt you. Tell them that you should be able to live your life as you wish, and not have to be discriminated against because you're not interested in sex. And emphasize that you're not judmental of others just because you don't wish to exchange bodily fluids with another person. ;)

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deladangerous

I say go ahead and confront that person. Let them know that you've heard what you have, and don't let them try and belittle you just because you don't lead the same kind of lifestyle as they do.

It's your orientation. It's not a choice. It's not as though it would be right to say "all gay people are cruel" and "all bisexuals are liars", so it's definitely not right to say that you're judgmental because you're asexual.. Make that pretty clear.

And, especially because they seem to find you an inferior being for "having no lovers"... well, y'know, the name of the game isn't "whoever has the most sexual partners wins". So if there's more to your life than that? Talk about these things with this person. I hope that this person can be openminded enough to accept you and your beliefs, so that you can come to an understanding and the personal insults can stop.

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TNHawke

Man... I kind of know what you're going through, though not quite as strongly.

When I first realized there was a term for what I was besides 'celebate' and 'not interested', the first person I told was a lesbian friend. She's loud and outspoken and all about equal rights... she was the LAST person I expected condemnation from.

Guess what?

"You have a hormone imbalance". "It's perfectly normal to be drawn to your own gender, but not to have no desire at all". Yeah... that hurt.

Even now that I'm IN a relationship, I still claim my asexuality, and she just says, "Oh you just wait until you HAVE sex. I don't want to hear anything else about asexuality"

Grrr.

one thing I have found though... those who seem to proclaim 'I AM RIGHT!" the loudest, especially when they ARE a minority, tend to be the MOST judgemental of other groups. "I am different, hear me roar. But you're not allowed to be different from me."

... ok, I think I'm going to stop ranting now. Lol.

Good luck with that.

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sonofzeal

Ouch, not fun. Dunno if there's anything to do about it; no matter what you say, people don't like to change their outlook on stuff, and if their outlook doesn't account for asexyness, there's going to be trouble.

On the bright side, it's not too big a step for most people to make. With any luck, they should get the picture eventually.

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AmoebicMe

I agree with dela. You need to like talk to her about it, otherwise you'll just feel worse and she'll just continue to spew ignorance. Best of luck!

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Kassil

I haven't run into any hate, per se, just blinf, obtuse ignorance and a refusal to understand.

My coworkers, my father... Just don't get the point that I don't care. It's not celibacy, it's asexuality.

My mother... I suspect that she simply thinks I'm oblivious.

*shrugs* Their problem, not mine - the people I'm closest to are well aware of it, and I've clearly explained myself to them on the subject. That's what matters.

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noodle

Exactly. The people who you care about know and care for you. I agree with someone above, you cant change peoples opinions unless they are open to change.

Would it be too awful for you to be civil to her but ignore her comments? Trying to make a point to somone who doesnt wanna listen could prove an impossible task and very frustrating? Does she deserve that much energy from you right now?

I feel in the longrun she's the one thats gonna look like an arse if she keeps on going. It sounds as though she's pretty transparent already?

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starrysky

If I were you, I'd completely ignore her and try to cut her out of your life as much as possible. You can "explain" until you are blue in the face, but if someone has made up their mind, they will not be swayed and you'll only be wasting your time. Life is short, there are much better ways to spend it than arguing with close-minded people like that.

If someone doesn't want to believe a person can be an asexual, who cares? Let them think what they want and I will continue living my life the same way I am now.

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Chip123

i know where your coming from with the whole negative thing. i am living with 2 people who constantly ridicule me for not making any attempt to have sex with anyone. they joke about it all the time, and while they think its hilarious, i see if as offensive (maybe i should lighten up, or maybe they are just being nasty!?) yet i havnt officially told them about my asexuality yet. i dont know how they would react. they dont seem very open-minded people, as one is racist and the other homophobic. i just cant decide whether to tell them or not. after reading of the negative responses to asexuality, and the labels that people attach to it, it makes me want to stay in the closet. yet i want to be able to tell people who i am. i just dont know what to do...

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Surianka

Sometimes, all you can really do is explain yourself as best you can. Sometimes people listen, sometimes they don't -- you can't make them see your point of view, or accept that your sexual preference is actually a valid one, if they stubbornly refuse to accept it on their own.

No need to be antagonistic, but if you're tired of talking yourself hoarse on the subject with this person, perhaps it would be best to limit the time you must spend around them, if any.

I'm not asexual, but I can certainly relate to people harassing me for my sexual preference. To most people, I just say I'm bisexual (it's easier than trying to explain 'pansexual,') and even then, I get a ton of negative responses. Everything from 'it's not a real preference!' and 'it's not natural!' from gay people, to 'you're just trying to get attention!' from straight people.

So from those experiences, that's just really what I've learned. You don't have to explain yourself, obviously, but if you're trying to get a point across you generally have to do some kind of explaining. And even then, some people just won't listen. It's sad, and it's stupid, but there isn't a whole lot you can do to change it, until they decide they're ready to listen.

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a-d

This is some crazy stuff, but I can relate.

This person is very poiticized and very queer, and gender and sexuality identity politics are a big part of their life. Needless to say, they find heteronormative dominant culture to be very oppressive, and they actively live their life in a way that they think is liberating and revolutionary. It involves having as many queer relationships and as much queer sex as possible, and making those things the centerpiece of every casual relationship and conversation they have.

I had a friend like this, and that's why he's no longer my friend. It helped that I wasn't the only one who decided not to stick around for his repulsive and politiced (homo)sexual exploits. Maybe if he loses enough friends like that, he'll be able to put sexuality in perspective with the rest of what life has to offer. Or maybe he's happy in the life that he's chosen. If this person whom you describe is a co-worker or something like that, my sympathies.

They'd say things like "She's so judgemental. She really has a problem with people. I mean, look at her-- she has NO lovers!" and "at least my life isn't like "___'s", SHE HAS NO LOVERS! Not even one!" in a disgusted tone of voice.

That's highly ironic for someone who calls someone else judgmental.

Anyway, to deal with these types, I think it's best just to understand where they're coming from, and then explain that sexuality isn't just a two-sided spectrum. Just put it in terms that they can understand. I'm sure some will refuse to understand, but then you can have a field day on what constitutes narrow-mindedness.

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Steel

Simply ask this person if they think it correct to treat you in the same manner that it's own "opressors" use against it.

And exactly HOW that makes them "liberated" from that bias.

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Aeriel
If I were you, I'd completely ignore her and try to cut her out of your life as much as possible. You can "explain" until you are blue in the face, but if someone has made up their mind, they will not be swayed and you'll only be wasting your time. Life is short, there are much better ways to spend it than arguing with close-minded people like that.

If someone doesn't want to believe a person can be an asexual, who cares? Let them think what they want and I will continue living my life the same way I am now.

I agree with starrysky. Why waste your time with this person? There are better things to do, and his/her opinions appear to be too entrenched to be changed by a letter or a one-liner.

As for the gossip, that comes and goes. Just ignore it. Something much juicier will probably be available for broadcast tomorrow.

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Agent66

You know, I saw this and I really just had to post something about it. I haven't exactly "come out" about possibly being A, but my close friends know I'm not jumping into bed with any or everyone. I did have a friend, who is gay, that when he came out was very political and pro gay. Maybe it's me, but I have noticed that a good share of those who are gay/lesbian seem to go "pro gay" as soon as they come out. I really think it's an expression to let people know they are there and aren't going away. With that said, however, it seems like they use friends and family as a testing board to see if this mission wil take (the politicalness, not the being gay)

I can tell you I have similar problems, though not being A. It stems actually from being black and the black community. Personally (and this isn't to start some black on black race thing), I find the black community to be equally judgemental. Some (probably even most) black people find the N word to be a form of greeting, but a person will catch hell for saying if they aren't black. Like saying "gay" for homosexuals. I used to say "gay" a lot, as in "this class is so gay." I wasn't saying it in a derogatory way, but when asked by a gay friend to not say it, I did because I can see it as being that way.

I agree with those who said either confront them or let them go. While my friend still wants gay rights, he's not going around proclaiming it to everyone who will listen. He matured, I guess, perhaps your friend just hasn't. Have they recently come out? Or have they always been judgemental and you have only seen it now because it is directed at you?

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Amcan

I have to agree with everyone else. Try nad explain but if they don't want to listen then just move on, there's ntihing you can do.

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