At what age do people start feeling sexual attraction?

[Bisexuace]

(Prepare yourself for short autobiography & feelings)

Okay so...I'm fourteen. People my age have already started talking about sex & all that fun stuff, but I can't help but feel left out. I don't get the appeal of it, I even feel a little repulsed by it (I have researched a lot about sex since I was 9 because of the internet, maybe it's normalized it for me?). Perhaps they're faking it, for adults always tell asexuals my age—heck, even kids older than me—that they can't yet experience sexual attraction and therefore can't know if they're asexual.

 

My body developed years before my classmates. My breasts started developing at 8, got my growth spurt at around the same age and finished it three years ago, and I'm getting my wisdom teeth extracted next month. I'd say I'm pretty qualified to feel sexual attraction by now, yet people keep telling my fellow questioning asexuals that they're just too young...it's feeding my uncertainty.

 

Alas, here I am, with that same question lingering in my mind! When exactly do people start craving sex (or feeling sexual attraction, whichever wording you prefer)?

 

 

 

Plz help me my mind is crumbling

[Philip027]

It's literally different for everyone.  Other physical "puberty milestones" are not a good means to judge this kind of thing.

 

If you're old enough to be aware of sexual orientations and what they mean, you're old enough to know what yours is.

[Guest]

Um... well........ I'm just gonna flatly say it this way. You might find it confusing, and kind of annoying that it's a flat answer, but it is the only answer I can give: the age doesn't really matter, as everyone matures and experiences life at different rates.

[Guest]

Basically, listen to @Philip027, they said it better.

 

[Yep, me]

You're asexual until you feel attraction I guess.

[quietcrayon]

10 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

If you're old enough to be aware of sexual orientations and what they mean, you're old enough to know what yours is.

 

4 minutes ago, Zenzencat104 said:

You're asexual until you feel attraction I guess.

These are great ways to put it. 

 

You think your ace? The description seems to fit? Yeah your ace.

 

The age where people start feeling attraction is completely different for everybody. I know thats an unhelpful and disappointing answer, but its true. However a lot of people say that they experience at around 10/11 even, so I don't think you can be 'too young'.

 

I felt/feel the same way, never get the appeal. Remember theres also nothing wrong if the label does change later.

[LeChat]

Hello. These health articles indicate that kids start to feel sexual attraction once they hit puberty and their teens.

 

I hope it helps.

 

http://kidshealth.org/en/teens/sexual-orientation.html

 

http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetailsKids.aspx?p=335&np=289&id=1716

[Guest]

I didn't start actively desiring sex with certain other people until I was 28, so it can take a loooooong time depending on what triggers you personally need to be able to feel it. Some people don't even need 'triggers', they just start experiencing it the moment they hit puberty. Other's need a very specific set of circumstances (falling in love is one example) to be able to experience those feelings

[Puck]

I have read that the average age for boys to start feeling attraction is around 13 while girls average is around 16. HOWEVER, what was said above is true that it can vary GREATLY depending on the person and so many factors of their personal body. This is only the average, so people can start feeling it sooner or later than the ages I gave. If one girl feels attraction at 13 and another at 19, they average out to 16 but that's a large range.

 

It's ok to use one label and then change it once you grow and learn more about yourself. It's ok to even not use a label at all until you feel comfortable using one. Remember that a label is just a tool to express what you feel to others, it's not a rigid box and it's not something you need to glue yourself to.

 

And, for what it's worth, the "you can't know yet" or "you just haven't met the right person" is something aces are told at nearly all ages, so unfortunately that's something you might face. But if you build a good support group of people who accept you for who you are, it will make facing the jerks who say things like that easier

[hippiecat]

1 hour ago, Puck said:

It's ok to use one label and then change it once you grow and learn more about yourself. It's ok to even not use a label at all until you feel comfortable using one. Remember that a label is just a tool to express what you feel to others, it's not a rigid box and it's not something you need to glue yourself to.

This is the best way to put it, I think.

[Sutaomiiru]

I was your age (14) when I started identifying as ace; and then, it seemed that nearly everyone around me was thinking about nothing but boobs.

[Plectrophenax]

5 hours ago, Bisexuace said:

(Prepare yourself for short autobiography & feelings)

Okay so...I'm fourteen. People my age have already started talking about sex & all that fun stuff, but I can't help but feel left out. I don't get the appeal of it, I even feel a little repulsed by it (I have researched a lot about sex since I was 9 because of the internet, maybe it's normalized it for me?).

Unless you develop a feeling of sexual attraction on some level down the line, this sense of alienation is unlikely to go away. I find it to be the hardest aspect of asexuality by far, though I can reassure you that (in my case, at least), the brunt of it is felt when others around you experience their 'sexual awakenings'. Once you get older, it will be a fair bit easier to not feel left out - depending on the circles you frequent, of course.

 

It's worth considering how very early exposure influences this kind of thing, though. I had to piece the whole sex thing together from tidbits of information scattered around, and even then I wasn't actually aware of what it really was (and how deep-rooted it seemed to be) before the age of 14.

 

5 hours ago, Bisexuace said:

Perhaps they're faking it, for adults always tell asexuals my age—heck, even kids older than me—that they can't yet experience sexual attraction and therefore can't know if they're asexual.

It's always possible that people try to be more 'mature' than they are, whether it be driven by personal curiosity or a form of social pressure. I think it's best to assume personal autonomy when it comes to these things, and take the people's word for it when they claim to feel sexual attraction (even though I find the term nebulous and hard to grasp, and I also suspect that early exposure might add additional incentives to expedite the process of biological development).

But that said, it's not fully unreasonable to say that age 14 is very early to claim certainty of one's orientation, especially in the case of asexuality. For all you know, tomorrow could be the day you experience sexual attraction to someone, or in five years, or ten, or forty. Of course, there's little purpose in thinking this way, but I would certainly advise you not to put too much stock and investment into your label, whether it might change or not. Use it as a descriptor of how you currently feel, and recognise that it does not imply a life-long commitment in any way.

(And while this does apply to sexualities in general, it really deserves particular mention in the case of asexuality, in my opinion.)

 

5 hours ago, Bisexuace said:

My body developed years before my classmates. My breasts started developing at 8, got my growth spurt at around the same age and finished it three years ago, and I'm getting my wisdom teeth extracted next month. I'd say I'm pretty qualified to feel sexual attraction by now, yet people keep telling my fellow questioning asexuals that they're just too young...it's feeding my uncertainty.

As stated above, even if I think they have a point (to an extent), if the label fits your current feelings and attitudes, then not only are you not wrong in applying it to you, you are in fact right to do so.

 

5 hours ago, Bisexuace said:

Alas, here I am, with that same question lingering in my mind! When exactly do people start craving sex (or feeling sexual attraction, whichever wording you prefer)?

I would generally say that the teenage years are when sexual desires begin to manifest for almost all people (who are sexual). I personally have only been tempted to use the label 'asexual' after 18 for that very reason. It's the time when you can be reasonably sure of yourself, even if it's very much possible for people to find this same sense of certainty much much earlier.

 

 

5 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

Other's need a very specific set of circumstances (falling in love is one example) to be able to experience those feelings

Whenever I saw this happen, "falling in love" was always kickstarted by sexual attraction and not vice versa. I can imagine the opposite being possible as well (and, in a way, I like the notion a lot more), but haven't seen it myself. Referring to my observations and exchanges as a teenager, mind you, not later in life - sexual compatibility then became a clear and evident criterion for love for just about everyone I know.

 

 

4 hours ago, Puck said:

And, for what it's worth, the "you can't know yet" or "you just haven't met the right person" is something aces are told at nearly all ages, so unfortunately that's something you might face. But if you build a good support group of people who accept you for who you are, it will make facing the jerks who say things like that easier

I agree with the sentiment, but I really don't think saying "you can't know yet" is enough to categorically make you a jerk. What grants you that status, I'd say, is complete dismissal, not a remark to caution. Though I concede that the normalcy of sexuality and consequently the extent to which it is expected that a given person be a sexual one (eventually) makes it difficult to distinguish between those who merely see the possibility of "a right person" and those who think such an encounter is inevitable. Still, a valid distinction to make, I would argue.

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Plectrophenax said:

Whenever I saw this happen, "falling in love" was always kickstarted by sexual attraction and not vice versa. I can imagine the opposite being possible as well (and, in a way, I like the notion a lot more), but haven't seen it myself. Referring to my observations and exchanges as a teenager, mind you, not later in life - sexual compatibility then became a clear and evident criterion for love for just about everyone I know.

Sexual compatibility is extremely important for any couple, no matter how in love they are or whether they are sexual or asexual or mixed orientation. If you're not a/sexually compatible, or at least capable of compromise, then there is very likely to be issues no matter how in love both partners are.

I myself can't desire partnered sex unless I am in love with someone, or at the very least emotionally attracted to them. While this emotional attraction is *extremely* rare for me, when it does happen, it happens very fast. For many sexuals, it's rarely only sexual attraction that leads to love. Often they need to be attracted to that person's personality etc before 1) wanting to actively engage in sex with that person and 2) before developing romantic feelings. There is a whole lot of criteria that all vary from person to person. One sexual might glimpse a cute celebrity and instantly be madly in love, another may desire sex with someone and develop a romantic connection as a result of the sex, another may need to get to know someone to develop that romantic connection and with that romantic connection the sexual attraction may develop slowly. That's just a few examples and sexuals all experience this differently from person to person, some even experience all of these and more just in their own life, without being confined to any one experience or another. I can see why you may get the impression that the attraction comes first if you were interacting with teenagers at the time though, they're generally quite hormonally driven and often haven't actually been 'in love' yet. Not trying to generalize teenagers here sorry teens, obviously there are teens who are different, I just mean the general sexual population often haven't had that much experience when they're still uber young.

[Puck]

5 hours ago, Plectrophenax said:

Whenever I saw this happen, "falling in love" was always kickstarted by sexual attraction and not vice versa. I can imagine the opposite being possible as well (and, in a way, I like the notion a lot more), but haven't seen it myself. Referring to my observations and exchanges as a teenager, mind you, not later in life - sexual compatibility then became a clear and evident criterion for love for just about everyone I know.

I've observed the opposite. I've seen sexuals develop friendships with people that develop into more. They love the person for who they are and then at some point find they want more from them. It's how my parents got together (they were working on a project in college, bonded over it, then started dating). I've heard this especially from my friends who are women, that sometimes it takes time to feel that attraction because what they are attracted to is sometimes an emotional connection, the trust they share, and the personality of the other person, and all of those things take some time to develop/get to know.

 

I'm not saying that's how it always works, obviously there are some people who feel feel attraction before anything else, but it's not the only thing that happens.

[deltaX]

Like several other people have already said, when people start feeling attraction is different for everyone.  It's possible that you will begin to experience sexual attraction when you're older, or it's possible that you're an asexual person who will never experience sexual attraction.  My best advice would be that if you feel asexual now and want to use it as a label, then go for it, as long as you stay open to updating your label if things change down the road.  Don't ever feel like a label you chose for yourself at 14 is the final say on who you will be forever.

 

In fact, no matter what age you are your sexuality can change, and you should be open to change.  You can become more and more sure of your sexuality as you get older, because for some people sexuality can be fluid, and it's okay if you begin to feel attraction that doesn't fit your past label.  I'm in my 20's, and even though I'm fairly confident I'll be asexual permanently, I'm also not at all opposed to identifying differently if it does happen.

[warrior]

You are you, and don't ever let anyone think you have to apologize for it.

[nineGardens]

On 8/24/2017 at 8:37 PM, Philip027 said:

If you're old enough to be aware of sexual orientations and what they mean, you're old enough to know what yours is.

Disagree with this. Pretty sure I knew what "Orientation" meant in an abstract sense by age 10, but didn't have any notion of mine.

 

If I had to estimate.... I'd say that 14 is old enough that you might expect to be aware of your orientation by this point... but might not. I remember a story from friend saying that when she was 15, she knew that either her or her best friend was gay, and the other was straight... but they didn't know which was which, and it wasn't a few years later till they figured it out. 

To me 14 seems... its in that region where 0 sexual attraction is some indication of being Ace, but not a certainty.

... then again, you are asking a forum full of Aces "When do non-Aces start feeling sexual attraction", so ummmm... I'm not entirely sure if you'll get the info you need.

 

There's also the fact that labels exist, but you don't need to feel obliged to tie yourself to any hard and fast label.  The important part is to not place yourself in sexual situations if you don't feel comfortable.

I pretty much ran on the assumption of Full Ace until 25ish (without knowing the terminology), and then found someone I felt comfortable with, and would probably catagorize myself more as Demisexual now. I feel like if I had "decided" that I was Ace and that was part of my identity or whatever, I might have shied away from something that ended up being really nice. I'm not advocating people to go out hunting for something if it doesn't feel right, just....  feel free to pick a label now that feels right, but don't feel like you are obligated to keep it long term. 

[Philip027]

I never said you would know; I'm saying you CAN know.  Obviously you're allowed to be confused for longer if you wish.

 

My point was more that if you have an understanding of what orientations are, nobody else should be questioning what you say yours is (unless you're being blatantly wrong about it, such as calling yourself straight when you only ever go out with your own sex).

[Asexual Ambivert]

Even if being asexual is a phase, so was, for example, being 8.  When you were 8, no one told you it was "Just a phase" because you will be 9 soon.  If you CURRENTLY do not experience sexual attraction, you are asexual.  Remember that sexuality is fluid and that in 5 years you may experience attraction.  You may never experience it in your life of you may only experience it will you are in your golden years.  It is okay.

 

If you are a Z-Romantic, you probably can say that you are asexual with a degree of permanent certainty, as I think most people experience romantic and sexual attraction from the same age(Around start of puberty).  I am also a 14 year old who identifies as asexual, and I have experience romantic attraction since I was 7.  So I am pretty sure I am not just a late bloomer.  

 

All in all, remember that nobody except you can tell you who you are, and you should embrace yourself.  Asexuality is little hear of, and you will need to educate most people you come out to.  Many people will try to tell you that it doesn't exist, and you will need a clever comeback.  My favourite is this:

 

Them: How do you know that you are asexual if your a virgin?

Me:  I also know I won't like hugging cactuses, but I haven't tried it.  (And assuming they are straight,) Using your logic, how do you know you are straight if you have never been with a same gender partner?

 

I hope this helps.

[Kimi_gata]

I’m a girl. I started feeling attraction to someone else when I was 13, but it was neither romantic nor sexual. I think it’s a little more romantic now, 4 years later, but it’s still alterous. I could not see myself kissing or dating this person. I also think that if you know what you want, you know what you want. I know that I don’t want to have sex with the person I like, so I’m calling myself a hetero-oriented aroace.
 

Basically, use the label that feels right. If something else starts feeling right, use that instead.

[Janus the Fox]

Locked as this Thread is 5 years old and last comment is a year old.  Updating a more recent thread or making a new one is advised.

 

Janus the Fox

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