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Telecaster68

What sexuals are really thinking

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Serran
Just now, Law of Circles said:

Yeah, a lot of people don't seem to know much about polyamory, if they've even heard the word at all. A lot of people immediately assume that it's cheating, which probably contributes to the shock as well. I'm a big believer that awareness and visibility of alternative relationship styles (like poly) is really important in helping people make informed choices about what's right for them. It's not that I think polyamory is better or that everyone is poly; I just feel that it would be ideal if everyone knew enough about it to decide for themselves, whether they ultimately decide on monogamy or polyamory or something else.

Yeah. It would be nice if people were educated that they can be different from what is mainstream in relationships. Both in how they desire sex, how they desire romance, who they desire it with, how many, whatever. The default being vanilla, mono, sexual is annoying. People are so varied and there are so many ways to experience everything!

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SkullyPles
On 25/08/2017 at 10:48 PM, FictoVore. said:

 

I failed at that, haha (I might be getting older but I still don't really feel like an 'adult'). But you could still explain it how it feels for you? I am sexual (extremely so in some ways and not at all in other ways) but I haven't had sex (physically) in 6 years and don't mind if I never have it again. I certainly desire it when in love, but I can only want it if there is no expectation from my partner of ever having it, haha.. I just don't feel comfortable otherwise. Other sexuals have also input their own perspectives and feelings as well, this isnt just the Tele thread, even though he started it! :)

 

 I prefer the feeling of a more powerful friendship. Be with each other, whether doing exciting things or not. 

 

Sex is just a nice bonus on top of it. I need it occasionally, but most of the time I won't seek it out. Maybe just let it happen after romantic gestures that lead to it.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
7 hours ago, SkullyPles said:

 I prefer the feeling of a more powerful friendship. Be with each other, whether doing exciting things or not. 

 

Sex is just a nice bonus on top of it. I need it occasionally, but most of the time I won't seek it out. Maybe just let it happen after romantic gestures that lead to it.

That's how I feel too. A deep friendship is the most integral aspect of a relationship for me. If I had to choose between giving up sex forever with the person I love, or give up having coffee with them every morning,  I'd happily give up the sex despite how much I desire and enjoy it with the person I love.. because it's that friendship that's the most important to me. There are lots of sexuals like that out there, but for many others sex is a much more integral aspect of their relationships and they can become deeply unhappy (to the extent of even wanting to end the relationship sometimes) without that sexual intimacy, and that's fine too. I'd feel the same if the person i loved literally refused to have real conversations with me, I'd feel deeply unhappy and unfulfilled and would feel like we are just too incompatible to go on. By 'conversation' I dont mean regular talking, I mean conversations that go on for hours every day about anything and everything.. science, god, aliens, mysteries, alternative theories of evolution, weird nature info, historical disasters.. the list goes on and on. I do actually require any partner I would be with to have as much knowledge and theories etc as I do surrounding topics that most people don't have much interest in, and to be able to actively discuss these things for hours on end, daily. That's asking a lot, but it's something integral to my happiness in a relationship and without it, I would feel like something very vital is missing from the relationship. I can see how it would be easy to feel the exact same way without sex, because for many people it's a communication without words almost, and integral to happiness and that feeling of deep union for some people. Without it, I can see how it would be easy to feel too incompatible to go on, in the same way I'd feel if my partner wouldn't talk properly with me.

 

Its great that we can all share this info from such different perspectives, it's just a shame more people on AVEN won't read this thread!!

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Blondbear
On 24/8/2017 at 7:04 PM, Telecaster68 said:

A thread to tackle the frequently cited misconceptions about sexuals on AVEN...

 

Feel free to pitch in with questions, answer questions, or just contribute on the more common ways people on AVEN get sexuality round their necks.

 

Here's a starter.

 

When sexuals withdraw having been routinely turned down or informed their partners just don't want to have sex ever, it's not petulance. It's a combination of self-protection: we put ourselves out there and made ourselves vulnerable, and our partners have rejected us. (yes, I know 'it's not personal', but since we're the only people you're in a relationship with, it feels personal, and that's not going to change); and the lack of the closeness that we get from sex - one of the things sex does in a relationship is kind of emotional maintenance. All those trivial day to day irritations (leaving the washing up, watching stuff on TV we don't really like, making stupid jokes, whatever) matter way, way less when we have sex. It's brain chemicals. To coin a phrase: it's not personal.

 

 

I never understood the importance of explaining that it is "Not personal", that is irrelevant, if I want kids and my partner doesn't want kids it doesn't matter (that much) if it is personal or if it is not, at the end of the day that is a MASSIVE incompatibility that would make me unhappy.

 

Also i don't get at all this constant attempt to force a compromise that is not happening, if you asexual partner tells you his/her limits and will not cross them or will not fulfill enough your needs and you are unhappy, I am sorry but SHE IS NOT THE PROBLEM, your point of view is the problem. If your relationship is clear where it stands then you either accept it (I would not) or you get out and find a more suitable partner. 

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Telecaster68

That was kind of my point: not wanting sex with your partner just *is* personal, for the same reason. 

 

Nobody's talking about forcing a compromise on this thread. 

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theV0ID

Disclaimer: I didn't bother to read most of this thread, so this may have been said before

 

One idea which I have noticed frequently referred to or implied while I was lurking around here was the the idea that sexual people experience sexual attraction based on appearance... things like "how often do you see people in the street you're attracted too". This is an oddly one dimensional view of sexuality. Sure some people experience attraction like that, but many don't. I have never seen someone and been attracted to them. My attraction to my husband has nothing to do with his appearance (although I am aware that he is quite good looking).  Also, being superficially sexually attracted to someone doesn't necessarily mean actually wanting to have sex with them. Also also, being aware that people are good looking doesn't mean you are sexually attracted to them. I've noticed that while asexuals are aware that aesthetic attraction is separate from sexual attraction for themselves,  but for some reason often assume that if a sexual person describes someone as "hot" or "sexy" they must be sexually attracted to them. There are many people who I know are extremely hot and could admire all day but that is not even remotely sexual for me.

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Telecaster68

It hasn't been said on this thread. Till now anyhow. 

 

I can see someone on the street and think they're hot, but if I started talking to them and they turned out to be humourless bore, I'd lose any potential sexual attraction.

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theV0ID
5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

That was kind of my point: not wanting sex with your partner just *is* personal, for the same reason. 

 

Nobody's talking about forcing a compromise on this thread. 

Again, disclaimer I haven't read the thread so an probably missing a huge amount of context for this and am thus misunderstanding.

 

I have to say, I have never taken my husband not wanting sex with me at all personally. I just new he had a lower libido and thus naturally he wouldn't want to have sex as often as me. I now know he is actually asexual, and this naturally he won't want to have sex with me. I don't find his not wanting sex or not being attracted to e at all upsetting. The only thing I have found upsetting is the thought that he has been pushing himself to have sex with me all these years despite not truly wanting to. Makes me feel sad for him and a bit rapey myself.

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theV0ID
2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It hasn't been said on this thread. Till now anyhow. 

Good to know :) I wouldn't want t just repeat other people but am too lazy to read through properly.

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Telecaster68

Doesn't the knowledge of not being desired bother you? 

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theV0ID
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

Doesn't the knowledge of not being desired bother you? 

No not really, we are very close emotionally, that's enough for me. I know he loves me.

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theV0ID

For anyone confused about why Izzy is talking about this stuff when she is aroace, this is a different person, we're friends and I am just borrowing her computer to reply to this thread since I don't have an account and she is busy cooking.

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theV0ID
5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Doesn't the knowledge of not being desired bother you? 

We've been having couples therapy to work through a lots of stuff together, but this one was never a big issue. I guess because I'm just quite secure in my own attractiveness maybe? 

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theV0ID

Another factor might be that I have an exhibitionism kink so I find him watching me masturbate almost as satisfying and having proper sex. 

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Telecaster68

 

That must help. It might be different if he found the whole idea of you having sexuality repellent and refused to engage with it in any way. 

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Spookchi Boonut
4 hours ago, ohdearIzzy said:

Disclaimer: I didn't bother to read most of this thread, so this may have been said before

 

One idea which I have noticed frequently referred to or implied while I was lurking around here was the the idea that sexual people experience sexual attraction based on appearance... things like "how often do you see people in the street you're attracted too". This is an oddly one dimensional view of sexuality. Sure some people experience attraction like that, but many don't. I have never seen someone and been attracted to them. My attraction to my husband has nothing to do with his appearance (although I am aware that he is quite good looking).  Also, being superficially sexually attracted to someone doesn't necessarily mean actually wanting to have sex with them. Also also, being aware that people are good looking doesn't mean you are sexually attracted to them. I've noticed that while asexuals are aware that aesthetic attraction is separate from sexual attraction for themselves,  but for some reason often assume that if a sexual person describes someone as "hot" or "sexy" they must be sexually attracted to them. There are many people who I know are extremely hot and could admire all day but that is not even remotely sexual for me.

Yes. This. I think this misunderstanding is a big reason I identified as asexual for so long. I find some people "hot" and might even agree that they're "sexy" but I certainly don't want to have sex with them. There's also recognition of beauty - knowing that someone is aesthetically pleasing but not feeling physical or sensual attraction toward them. I think Emma Watson is beautiful inside and out. I'm not in the least attracted to her, as I'm not attracted to women and I don't know her personally. I am very physically attracted to Tom Hardy. Would I have sex with him? I guess? I don't know him. Why would I want intimacy with a complete stranger. That'd be weird! Some people can have one night stands with strangers. I don't find that appealing and I don't think most sexual people do either.

 

On that note, I'm also not constantly horny or attracted to everyone I see. I've seen a lot of AVENites be under the impression sexuals are consumed by sex. It's really not a constant thought. I can go through an average day no sexual thoughts appear in my mind. If I do, it's usually a fleeting side thought unless I'm actually doing something sensual or romantic. I've only ever had a strong connection with one person so I've only experienced sexual attraction with one person. Lots of people are attractive but even if I find them attractive and like them as a friend, I still don't want sex with them.

 

Disclaimer: I identify as sexual but can fit the definition of demisexual. Whether you consider that asexual or sexual is up to you.

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Philip027
Quote

On that note, I'm also not constantly horny or attracted to everyone I see. I've seen a lot of AVENites be under the impression sexuals are consumed by sex. It's really not a constant thought.

Pretty sure the primary reason for a lot of them thinking that way is that they've been through high school :/

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swirl_of_blue
5 minutes ago, Philip027 said:
Quote

On that note, I'm also not constantly horny or attracted to everyone I see. I've seen a lot of AVENites be under the impression sexuals are consumed by sex. It's really not a constant thought.

Pretty sure the primary reason for a lot of them thinking that way is that they've been through high school :/

It hasn't been just high school for me, but the way sex and attractiveness are talked about in many of the groups I belong to even among adults. Watching sports among male friends: instant comments on the female athletes' bodies and which ones the guys "would like to f***". Seeing female musicians on the stage: the same thing: "I'd do her!". Female friends when watching live sports: "the referee had a delicious ass!". I don't know if I just know particularly horny people, but the first thing people seem to comment on about aesthetically attractive people seems to be sex-related.

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Philip027

Yes, I know it doesn't necessarily end with HS, but it's almost always where it begins and it's an environment most of us can say they've been in.

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Telecaster68
1 hour ago, swirl_of_blue said:

It hasn't been just high school for me, but the way sex and attractiveness are talked about in many of the groups I belong to even among adults. Watching sports among male friends: instant comments on the female athletes' bodies and which ones the guys "would like to f***". Seeing female musicians on the stage: the same thing: "I'd do her!". Female friends when watching live sports: "the referee had a delicious ass!". I don't know if I just know particularly horny people, but the first thing people seem to comment on about aesthetically attractive people seems to be sex-related.

Yeah there are people like that, but it's a combination of posturing and passing thoughts generally. Personally I find I'll notice someone's superficial attractiveness in the same way I'll notice their age or height or whatever, and in a single sex group sharing those thoughts is bonding, in some contexts. The reality is that meeting that person would be a different kettle of fish, and sexuals understand that because they obviously have a better handle on sexual attraction than asexuals. We don't take it literally. 

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Spookchi Boonut
1 hour ago, swirl_of_blue said:

It hasn't been just high school for me, but the way sex and attractiveness are talked about in many of the groups I belong to even among adults. Watching sports among male friends: instant comments on the female athletes' bodies and which ones the guys "would like to f***". Seeing female musicians on the stage: the same thing: "I'd do her!". Female friends when watching live sports: "the referee had a delicious ass!". I don't know if I just know particularly horny people, but the first thing people seem to comment on about aesthetically attractive people seems to be sex-related.

I would feel really uncomfortable if people talked like that to me. Fortunately, I don't know and never have known anyone that does that.

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Gleep
4 hours ago, swirl_of_blue said:

It hasn't been just high school for me, but the way sex and attractiveness are talked about in many of the groups I belong to even among adults. Watching sports among male friends: instant comments on the female athletes' bodies and which ones the guys "would like to f***". Seeing female musicians on the stage: the same thing: "I'd do her!". Female friends when watching live sports: "the referee had a delicious ass!". I don't know if I just know particularly horny people, but the first thing people seem to comment on about aesthetically attractive people seems to be sex-related.

Never have been able to understand that. If someone is aesthetically pleasing, then yes, I'll comment. And I'm sorry, I can't help myself but comment on nice boobs, but butts? Especially male butts? Meh. And I come from the land of cowboys in painted on blue jeans. Men aren't sexy. And naked men especially aren't sexy. Naked men are comedy.

 

 

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Law of Circles
8 hours ago, swirl_of_blue said:

It hasn't been just high school for me, but the way sex and attractiveness are talked about in many of the groups I belong to even among adults. Watching sports among male friends: instant comments on the female athletes' bodies and which ones the guys "would like to f***". Seeing female musicians on the stage: the same thing: "I'd do her!". Female friends when watching live sports: "the referee had a delicious ass!". I don't know if I just know particularly horny people, but the first thing people seem to comment on about aesthetically attractive people seems to be sex-related.

In my experience, this depends a lot on the type of people you're around. I've been around people who have made those kinds of comments, but I also know plenty of people who never talk like that. Even the people who say "I'd hit that" or some variation of that probably don't mean it literally all of the time. Fantasy is one thing, but it's a different ballgame when you actually have the person standing in front of you. They could be the hottest celebrity around (to you), but it could turn out that you have terrible sexual chemistry with them, or else you just don't generally feel comfortable having sex with people you don't know very well. I think @Telecaster68 is right that at least some of the time, it's hyperbole or posturing. @Skullery Maid used to say the same thing, when she was here...

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Treesarepretty
On 8/25/2017 at 6:47 PM, Pramana said:

The topic of different experiences of orgasms has already come up here as well as in another recent thread. On that account, my experience is that orgasms feel good and all but they don't seem to be that great, and if anything they seem kind of disappointing because they only last a few seconds. I have read that orgasms achieved through partnered sex cause the release of more satisfying brain chemicals, and that in addition partnered sex is about the whole experience rather than just the orgasm. But I still have a hard time conceptualizing why people find partnered sex to be as good as it's often represented to be. I find it easier to see why people who are already in a relationship might take the opportunity to have sex, but some people invest a lot of time and money in the pursuit of sexual encounters, and I have particular difficulty seeing how that would be worthwhile from a cost/benefit standpoint.

I cannot speak to differences in these types of orgasms because I have only been able to climax in partnered sex with a long-term partner, and I have only had one of those. I imagine that the desire to be a "player" has something to do with the old idea in the West that a man who can bed any woman, especially women who already have significant others, is more dominant than and a higher class than a man who cannot. I can also definitely picture some people using sexual promiscuity to cope with stress or depression in the same way that alcoholics use alcohol. It is also possible to want partnered sex with strangers rather than a significant other for some other reason, I suppose, but for me that would be an inferior substitute. 

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Treesarepretty
9 hours ago, swirl_of_blue said:

It hasn't been just high school for me, but the way sex and attractiveness are talked about in many of the groups I belong to even among adults. Watching sports among male friends: instant comments on the female athletes' bodies and which ones the guys "would like to f***". Seeing female musicians on the stage: the same thing: "I'd do her!". Female friends when watching live sports: "the referee had a delicious ass!". I don't know if I just know particularly horny people, but the first thing people seem to comment on about aesthetically attractive people seems to be sex-related.

I agree with @Telecaster68 here. I think that a lot of that is posturing and the rest is attempts to form bonds through shared ideas of attractiveness. 

 

Given the chance to actually have sex with them, I think that more of the men than women would, but it is hard to disentangle how much basic desire plays a role versus the societal expectation that men should always be on the prowel for sex. In any case, I think that the proportion of people who would go through with it is significantly smaller than the proportion who would make those sorts of comments in the circumstances you describe. 

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Philip027
Quote

Yeah there are people like that, but it's a combination of posturing and passing thoughts generally. Personally I find I'll notice someone's superficial attractiveness in the same way I'll notice their age or height or whatever, and in a single sex group sharing those thoughts is bonding, in some contexts. The reality is that meeting that person would be a different kettle of fish, and sexuals understand that because they obviously have a better handle on sexual attraction than asexuals. We don't take it literally. 

I really really wish people would stop saying things they didn't mean (not even just about this, but in general).

 

It's really confusing when the subject matter is of something you don't experience yourself, such as sexual attraction or "sexiness" in general, and you are left not knowing what to take seriously.  It also doesn't help that I'm generally a gullible person, because I don't really understand what reasons people would have to exercise hyperbole like that unless they were trying to be blatantly sarcastic, and in these cases I don't detect sarcasm like I would elsewhere.

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m4rble
On 8/26/2017 at 3:02 AM, Telecaster68 said:

This is true and I guess I do tend to assume that people in general are nicer than they sometimes turn out to be. I do try to restrict generalisations to stuff that involves partnered sex though, and since there is way, way more tendency for sexuals to see that as part of a relationship (not just marriage-type relationships, but in the sense of the interplay between two people), it's tricky to disentangle it all.

 

In a way, that's the underlying point of this thread - a lot of AVEN's discussions are on the premise that if you dissect and analyse relationships into their component parts, and understand those parts individually, the whole picture will become understandable. In reality, that reductionist approach just doesn't work. You only have to look at the endless, circular, speculative discussions on the nature of attraction/desire to see that.

I added the bold part to my signature. 

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Telecaster68
4 hours ago, m4rble said:

I added the bold part to my signature. 

Wooo. I'm flattered. 

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m4rble
16 hours ago, Philip027 said:

I really really wish people would stop saying things they didn't mean (not even just about this, but in general).

 

It's really confusing when the subject matter is of something you don't experience yourself, such as sexual attraction or "sexiness" in general, and you are left not knowing what to take seriously.  It also doesn't help that I'm generally a gullible person, because I don't really understand what reasons people would have to exercise hyperbole like that unless they were trying to be blatantly sarcastic, and in these cases I don't detect sarcasm like I would elsewhere.

I think some people just find it kind of funny to talk like that because it verges on breaking the rules of polite society. In some ways I think it can relieve tension for the same reason. 

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m4rble
On 8/24/2017 at 4:34 PM, asexjoe said:

Maybe I'll get lucky, or maybe I'm just an emotional cripple. You sure don't seem to be.

I think it's wrong to assume people who are asexual or aromantic are less emotional. That might be true in some cases, but most just have their emotions directed at other things. Some sexual people don't feel much from anything except sex, which seems much more emotionally limiting. 

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