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Telecaster68

What sexuals are really thinking

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 hour ago, Serran said:

Despite the fact I am currently actively desiring things that obviously make me not asexual, there isn't some fantastic connection that only happens from sex/sexual interactions for me. I do get a connection during certain activities, but it's no better than what I get from cuddling... it's just different and I could easily replace the sexual stuff with cuddling (though not cuddling with sexual stuff).

 

I currently don't use a label, but it's kind of funny to think of it as no label fits me. I am the null orientation. ^_^

OMG that's exactly what happened to me when I started having relationships with people from AVEN. I had so many years of being with sexual people and having absolutely no desire for or any interest in anything remotely sexual.. found sex painful, boring, uninteresting. Had a miserable sexual partner because of it (and I was miserable too) ...Then get a partner on AVEN after coming here truly believing I am asexual and it's like... hmmmmm.... I'm starting to desire things.. um, oh, wait, now I don't really have a label but I definitely want things that make me not asexual now.. How did this happen after so many years? What is it about the guys and girls on AVEN that can wake up these things inside of us? How come I have never, ever experienced this with anyone I have met OFF AVEN, regardless of whether that's online or in person? It's so odd :o

 

..Our sexual ex partners would be flabbergasted I'm sure.

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Telecaster68
1 minute ago, asexjoe said:

I do what I'm supposed to do.

How do you know what you're supposed to do?

 

Is that a slightly coy way of saying 'no, I just get her sufficiently wet, then do two minutes slow, two minutes faster, and hope she orgasms?'

 

I'm being glib, but I think you'll get the point.

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Telecaster68
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Our sexual ex partners would be flabbergasted I'm sure

And possibly just a little pissed off. ;)

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JDP
2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

How do you know what you're supposed to do?

 

Is that a slightly coy way of saying 'no, I just get her sufficiently wet, then do two minutes slow, two minutes faster, and hope she orgasms?'

 

I'm being glib, but I think you'll get the point.

 

I meant that I do exactly what my partner likes, and what works, for her sake. i was always good at that.

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JDP
5 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

OMG that's exactly what happened to me when I started having relationships with people from AVEN. I had so many years of being with sexual people and having absolutely no desire for or any interest in anything remotely sexual.. found sex painful, boring, uninteresting. Had a miserable sexual partner because of it (and I was miserable too) ...Then get a partner on AVEN after coming here truly believing I am asexual and it's like... hmmmmm.... I'm starting to desire things.. um, oh, wait, now I don't really have a label but I definitely want things that make me not asexual now.. How did this happen after so many years? What is it about the guys and girls on AVEN that can wake up these things inside of us? How come I have never, ever experienced this with anyone I have met OFF AVEN, regardless o whether that's online or in person. It's so odd :o

 

..Our sexual ex partners would be flabbergasted I'm sure.

Mine would be, to be sure.

 

I don't have a label for myself, either. I don't feel the need to have one.

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Telecaster68
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I meant that I do exactly what my partner likes, and what works, for her sake. i was always good at that.

If you're doing it exactly the same each time, that's probably partly what she means by lack of desire. She can tell you're following a script, which means you're entirely in your head, rather than paying attention to her reactions in the moment. Good sex is kind of like a conversation, and if you're following a script, you're not listening to what she's saying.

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Serran
1 minute ago, FictoVore. said:

OMG that's exactly what happened to me when I started having relationships with people from AVEN. I had so many years of being with sexual people and having absolutely no desire for or any interest in anything remotely sexual.. found sex painful, boring, uninteresting. Had a miserable sexual partner because of it (and I was miserable too) ...Then get a partner on AVEN after coming here truly believing I am asexual and it's like... hmmmmm.... I'm starting to desire things.. um, oh, wait, now I don't really have a label but I definitely want things that make me not asexual now.. How did this happen after so many years? What is it about the guys and girls on AVEN that can wake up these things inside of us? How come I have never, ever experienced this with anyone I have met OFF AVEN, regardless o whether that's online or in person. It's so odd :o

 

..Our sexual ex partners would be flabbergasted I'm sure.

Obviously, AVEN partners are just magic. 

 

But, I think it's a mix of I've never had the compatibility fit right like currently. Also, the complete and total lack of any expectations/obligations in the sexual department. If I said tonight "OK, we're never doing anything even remotely sexual anymore" it would be fine. Say that to most people and you'd upset them severely. 

 

And, honestly, I'd still not be able to have a "normal" sexual relationship. So, my exes would still be miserable with the set up, even with how I feel right now. :P 

 

 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

This is touching on something that isn't exactly a misconception, but it seems like asexuals just don't understand (as a massive generalisation).

 

Most sexuals really, really, really, like getting their partners off, even if they know they're not going to get any direct sexual stimulation out of it themselves. This is why giving oral sex, handjobs, etc. isn't some kind of concession, it's a turn on and pleasure in itself. Partly it's a validation that they find us attractive, partly it's just wonderful to give someone you care for that good a time, and partly it's just that watching and hearing someone you fancy get off is bloody sexy.

This is so true. The sexual acts I desire and love the most are ones that get my partner off, my genitals don't even have to come into the equation and I don't have to be aroused at all to find those acts some of the most pleasurable things imaginable. I actually ache to do those things to the one I love, my body desires it deep down somewhere that can only be reached by actually *doing* those things. For many sexuals, those emotional aspects of partnered sex are often what they desire most, the pleasure of making someone else feel good and giving them an orgasm (or many orgasms!). This is something that many asexuals really do seem to misunderstand here. Sex certainly isn't just about seeing attractive people and needing to bang them (for most sexuals, anyway, haha)

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JDP

I've had no complaints. I don't second-guess their orgasms. It was great sex for them.

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Telecaster68
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It was great sex for them.

Um, except your wife now doesn't want to have sex at all. That doesn't happen with good sex.

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JDP
2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Um, except your wife now doesn't want to have sex at all. That doesn't happen with good sex.

What has changed is that I can't fake desire any more, and she knows it.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
10 minutes ago, Serran said:

Obviously, AVEN partners are just magic. 

 

But, I think it's a mix of I've never had the compatibility fit right like currently. Also, the complete and total lack of any expectations/obligations in the sexual department. If I said tonight "OK, we're never doing anything even remotely sexual anymore" it would be fine. Say that to most people and you'd upset them severely. 

 

And, honestly, I'd still not be able to have a "normal" sexual relationship. So, my exes would still be miserable with the set up, even with how I feel right now. :P 

 

 

That's *exactly* how it is for me. Sexuals like my ex still wouldn't be okay with how I do things, but when I found that perfect compatibility combined with the lack of expectations it's like my own individual version of an epic kink demon was born. I actually think it could be deeply hurtful for an ex partner, learning that sexually (in our own way) we can actively desire things we never desired with them.. It would be for them like ''why wasn't I good enough to make you want that with me?'' ..I don't think they'd be able to look at it from the perspective that they still wouldn't enjoy the things that we want, even though we know full well they'd probably still be unhappy and unfulfilled with the way we want things. I know my ex would have next to no interest in any of the things I enjoy now.. as far as he is concerned if a clitoris isn't being stimulated then it doesn't count as sex *sigh*. But he'd still be gutted to know that someone else could make me desire things that seemed so utterly impossible when I was with him. It seems that for some people, we can go for years, decades even, of having no desire for sexual interaction and no enjoyment of it in any way. BUT it takes that certain person to 1) ignite a spark in you and feel that spark back 2) be perfectly compatible with you intimately and 3) have no *expectation* of sex and be 100% fine with the idea that it may never happen. When those three factors combine, the fireworks start in earnest, even for someone who has truly been asexual seemingly to their core for years. I know now I was never asexual, I just need a very, very specific set of requirements to be met for my sexy switch to flick itself to the 'on' position!

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Telecaster68
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it could be deeply hurtful for an ex partner, learning that sexually (in our own way) we can actively desire things we never desired with them.. It would be for them like ''why wasn't I good enough to make you want that with me?''

Yep, that would play into most sexuals' suspicions and insecurities, big time. Although with a bit of maturity, they'd get that it was just a way that the particular relationship wasn't right.

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JDP
3 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

That's *exactly* how it is for me. Sexuals like my ex still wouldn't be okay with how I do things, but when I found that perfect compatibility combined with the lack of expectations it's like my own individual version of an epic kink demon was born. I actually think it could be deeply hurtful for an ex partner, learning that sexually (in our own way) we can actively desire things we never desired with them.. It would be for them like ''why wasn't I good enough to make you want that with me?'' ..I don't think they'd be able to look at it from the perspective that they still wouldn't enjoy the things that we want, even though we know full well they'd probably still be unhappy and unfulfilled with the way we want things. I know my ex would have next to no interest in any of the things I enjoy now.. as far as he is concerned if a clitoris isn't being stimulated then it doesn't count as sex *sigh*. But he'd still be gutted to know that someone else could make me desire things that seemed so utterly impossible when I was with him. It seems that for some people, we can go for years, decades even, of having no desire for sexual interaction and no enjoyment of it in any way. BUT it takes that certain person to 1) ignite a spark in you and feel that spark back 2) be perfectly compatible with you intimately and 3) have no *expectation* of sex and be 100% fine with the idea that it may never happen. When those three factors combine, the fireworks start in earnest, even for someone who has truly been asexual seemingly to their core for years. I know now I was never asexual, I just need a very, very specific set of requirements to be met for my sexy switch to flick itself to the 'on' position!

I wish I had that switch. I don't think it exists for me.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
Just now, asexjoe said:

I wish I had that switch. I don't think it exists for me.

You'd never know unless you met that specific person :s I've only met a few people in my 29 years who made me actively desire that sexually intimate connection. If I'd never come to AVEN though I can't imagine I'd ever have found anyone, as I just don't get close enough to people in 'meat life' to even begin discussing these sorts of things and everywhere else online seems to filled with extremely sexual people who would just think I'm weird :o Also the people I'm into are so extremely introverted (as am I) that physically we'd probably NEVER cross each other's paths even if we lived in the same town. The internet has opened up so many opportunities in that sense.. I am so grateful to AVEN, though it's kind of ironic that my sexy demon was awakened BECAUSE of an asexual website, haha.

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JDP
6 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

You'd never know unless you met that specific person :s I've only met a few people in my 29 years who made me actively desire that sexually intimate connection. If I'd never come to AVEN though I can't imagine I'd ever have found anyone, as I just don't get close enough to people in 'meat life' to even begin discussing these sorts of things and everywhere else online seems to filled with extremely sexual people who would just think I'm weird :o Also the people I'm into are so extremely introverted (as am I) that physically we'd probably NEVER cross each other's paths even if we lived in the same town. The internet has opened up so many opportunities in that sense.. I am so grateful to AVEN, though it's kind of ironic that my sexy demon was awakened BECAUSE of an asexual website, haha.

Maybe I'll get lucky, or maybe I'm just an emotional cripple. You sure don't seem to be.

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disGraceful
2 hours ago, vega57 said:

Take orgasms out of the equation. 

 

Would MOST sexuals still want to have sex? 

I actually can't orgasm. Not *entirely* sure why or how to fix that but I've never had one. I'm still sexual, still enjoy sex.

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Gleep
27 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

You'd never know unless you met that specific person :s I've only met a few people in my 29 years who made me actively desire that sexually intimate connection. If I'd never come to AVEN though I can't imagine I'd ever have found anyone, as I just don't get close enough to people in 'meat life' to even begin discussing these sorts of things and everywhere else online seems to filled with extremely sexual people who would just think I'm weird :o Also the people I'm into are so extremely introverted (as am I) that physically we'd probably NEVER cross each other's paths even if we lived in the same town. The internet has opened up so many opportunities in that sense.. I am so grateful to AVEN, though it's kind of ironic that my sexy demon was awakened BECAUSE of an asexual website, haha.

Laughing because that's demis. You have got to get my mind involved before the body will even contemplate it. But get the right mental and emotional connection going and.. yep. Pervert. It's amazing how well you can hide horns in curly hair... but they're great at holding up the halo. 

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Serran
10 minutes ago, Graceful said:

I actually can't orgasm. Not *entirely* sure why or how to fix that but I've never had one. I'm still sexual, still enjoy sex.

Honestly, it's hard to figure out how to do that. :P  I had sex first time at 15, I figured out how it worked for me... two ? years ago by accident making a masturbation video for my now ex. And I know now I've never had one with a partner, before I was like "I don't know if I have..." :lol: 

 

31 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

That's *exactly* how it is for me. Sexuals like my ex still wouldn't be okay with how I do things, but when I found that perfect compatibility combined with the lack of expectations it's like my own individual version of an epic kink demon was born. I actually think it could be deeply hurtful for an ex partner, learning that sexually (in our own way) we can actively desire things we never desired with them.. It would be for them like ''why wasn't I good enough to make you want that with me?'' ..I don't think they'd be able to look at it from the perspective that they still wouldn't enjoy the things that we want, even though we know full well they'd probably still be unhappy and unfulfilled with the way we want things. I know my ex would have next to no interest in any of the things I enjoy now.. as far as he is concerned if a clitoris isn't being stimulated then it doesn't count as sex *sigh*. But he'd still be gutted to know that someone else could make me desire things that seemed so utterly impossible when I was with him. It seems that for some people, we can go for years, decades even, of having no desire for sexual interaction and no enjoyment of it in any way. BUT it takes that certain person to 1) ignite a spark in you and feel that spark back 2) be perfectly compatible with you intimately and 3) have no *expectation* of sex and be 100% fine with the idea that it may never happen. When those three factors combine, the fireworks start in earnest, even for someone who has truly been asexual seemingly to their core for years. I know now I was never asexual, I just need a very, very specific set of requirements to be met for my sexy switch to flick itself to the 'on' position!

Mmhmm. My ex needed intercourse (I don't want that, at all) and stuff and meh. He'd probably not like it that I am able to feel sexual stuff for someone finally, but I couldn't please your average sexual anyways, so whatever. :P

 

32 minutes ago, asexjoe said:

I wish I had that switch. I don't think it exists for me.

It may not. And if it doesn't, it's OK. :) I'd have sworn it didn't for me either. Luckily, my partner would have been OK either way. 

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Elden
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

Good sex is kind of like a conversation, and if you're following a script, you're not listening to what she's saying.

That may actually be part of the problem for me. Sex is like a conversation, and I'm terrible at conversations. Even with someone I'm very comfortable with, I'm always slightly tense. It's not that I don't enjoy conversations, or that I'm not listening to the other person. In fact, I'm constantly tense because I'm listening so carefully, and watching so carefully for any suggestion that I've said the wrong thing, or the right one. Trying not to bore them. And that's a lot like my experience of sex. It's never felt natural or spontaneous for me. Instead, I was constantly watching, and listening, trying to find the best way to do it. Trying to remember every little thing my partner seemed to enjoy before, and everything I've seen or read over the years about how to make a partner feel good during sex. Meanwhile I'm not getting any sense of connection from it, and they're probably well aware of that. When I've been in relationships I've always wanted to make my partners happy, because I was very much in love with them, I just have no personal instinct or desire for sex.

 

I do feel a deep, overwhelming joy and connection from intimate cuddling. From knowing that someone loves me enough to not only desire my company, but to feel safe and content in my arms. If I try to imagine the most intimate experience I could possibly have with someone I love, what comes to mind is lying down cuddling while we're both fully clothed. The moment clothing starts to be removed, or bodily fluids (including saliva) get involved, the joy dissipates. I'm not sexually attracted to them, so it feels unnatural and uncomfortable.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
3 hours ago, vega57 said:

Take orgasms out of the equation. 

 

Would MOST sexuals still want to have sex? 

Sex is about a LOT more than just orgasm. Obviously orgasm is wonderful but many people would still have and desire sex even if they had trouble with orgasming.. Hence why so many people are desperate for treatment when they experience issues with orgasm. They still desire and love sex, they're just having an issue that prevents them from enjoying it to the fullest. Even then though, there are many people capable of orgasm who don't feel it's SUPER important. Many feel the bonding and intimacy of sex is the most integral aspect of the pleasure, the physical sensations themselves are often secondary to that.

 

But I know I've personally already tried to explain that to you multiple times and you don't really seem to care what sexual people have to say.  There are plenty of those who still desire partnered sex regardless of what our genitals are physically doing (because sex is about so much more than just the genitals. They don't even have to be a part of it for it to be amazing)

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Serran
6 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

Sex is about a LOT more than just orgasm. Obviously orgasm is wonderful but many people would still have and desire sex even if they had trouble with orgasming.. Hence why so many people are desperate for treatment when they experience issues with orgasm. They still desire and love sex, they're just having an issue that prevents them from enjoying it to the fullest. Even then though, there are many people capable of orgasm who don't feel it's SUPER important. Many feel the bonding and intimacy of sex is the most integral aspect of the pleasure, the physical sensations themselves are often secondary to that.

 

But I know I've personally already tried to explain that to you multiple times and you don't really seem to care what sexual people have to say.  There are plenty of those who still desire partnered sex regardless of what our genitals are physically doing (because sex is about so much more than just the genitals. They don't even have to be a part of it for it to be amazing)

Define sex... :lol: (sorry, not opening that can of worms for real, but)

 

Personally, the stuff I am interested in doing, has nothing to do with orgasms and they are not part of the equation. 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
Just now, Serran said:

Define sex... :lol: (sorry, not opening that can of worms for real, but)

 

Personally, the stuff I am interested in doing, has nothing to do with orgasms and they are not part of the equation. 

That's exactly what I was trying to say :P It's about a lot more than orgasm for many people, and for some orgasm isn't even part of the equation. Discovering this is actually one of the things that led me to understand just how much I can love sexual intimacy. As soon as there is no expectation of my own genitals being involved, I'm in my happy sexy space :)

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Homer
4 hours ago, asexjoe said:

OK so you're saying without sex it's impossible to have either physical or emotional intimacy?

No, that's not what he said.

 

4 hours ago, asexjoe said:

Is it a stereotype to say a sexual experiences a kind of intimacy asexuals cannot?

 

That appears to be a common thread among the sexuals I've talked to, here. They describe this fantastic "connection" only accruing from sex.

That's not a stereotype. That's a fact. This isn't even related to sex; you can break it down easily. It's not a question of one group being 'superior' to the other. It's two (or more) people sharing an experience that provides a feeling they can't get from any other activity. Asexuals don't get that from said activity because they just don't feel this way. That does NOT mean that asexuals cannot experience a similarly stimulating feeling at all - they just won't get it through sex. OTOH, sexuals don't get that feeling by doing some other activity.

 

Why is this so hard to understand?

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alibali

I think i get it. Getting something similar out of the relationship is what makes a partnership, I think. 

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Telecaster68

Yeah. Really, a conversation is a good analogy there. Same back and forth, complicity. communication, enjoying each other.

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swirl_of_blue
20 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

If every muscle in your body, and your expression, is emanating 'is it over yet, or do I have to do some more simultaneous equations in my head', and you're laying stock still with your eyes closed, then it's an experience no sexual would want. It's horrible and rapey, and better avoided.

None of my partners have had any problems with this whatsoever. Lying there with my eyes closed and doing nothing, completely silent, hasn't been a problem a single time, or at least I've never been told it was a problem. Of course I wished everything would be over quickly because I had better things to do, but I was polite and never said that. Didn't stop even my longest-term boyfriend wanting regular sex more than once a week. As long as I was there, he was happy. It didn't matter if I seemed like I was enjoying it (which happened a grand total of 0 times) or not.

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Telecaster68
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or at least I've never been told it was a problem

Mmmm.

 

Well I guess some sexuals can deal with that.

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SkullyPles

I like that this thread acts like all sexuals have the same hivemind attitude to sex. That's a surefire way to prove a point. 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Mmmm.

 

Well I guess some sexuals can deal with that.

I've experienced the same. My sexual ex didn't give a crap if I was enjoying it or not (which like Swirl, happened 0 times) even when he knew it was hurting like hell that didn't bother him. I'd love to someday have someone love me physically who truly cares about my pleasure and my desires and wouldn't do anything they know I don't want to do sexually because of the pain it would cause me.

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