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Telecaster68

What sexuals are really thinking

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timewarp
55 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Which is why sexuals on here never, ever coerce their partners. Asexuals might feel pressure, but they still have a choice. All they have to do is say 'no' and they get their choice - no sex. 

 

On the other hand, pretty much all the sexuals on here have had any choice about having sex taken out of their control, unless they leave the relationship.

 

Interesting. When I tried to make relationships with sexuals work, I had pretty much the same problem, just the other way around. I think what made it not work was not the sex itself, but the lack of communication.

 

If there was an awesome straight community that had a forum for asexual partners, I might have joined it. :P

 

But seriously, it seems very plausible to me that practically all sexuals on here are giving all they can to make their relationships work. Why else would they even join a forum like AVEN?

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Telecaster68

Timewarp 

 

How do you mean, the other way round? Surely you were the one with the choice?

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Telecaster68
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You learn how to function where you don't share that intimacy, and you lose the feeling of the two of you inside the sanctuary walls against the rest of the world because you've had to spend years placing that wall between you. Brick by brick. Rejection by rejection.

And in the end *that* is what kills the relationship, not sexuals flouncing off for lack of shagging.

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Serran

 

11 minutes ago, asexjoe said:

Yeah, me too. I crave intimacy but I can't get it through sex. I'd rather have a long, soulful, loving conversation.

I've found that my attraction is just extremely picky, apparently. Took 15 years of relationships to find someone that sparked it. So, I understand some intimacy through some sexual things. But, I'd rather have a long, soulful, loving conversation too. Or a three hour cuddle session. And, if my partner were like "OK our relationship is 100% non-sexual now" I would be fine as long as we could still have those. :) 

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Dellakat

I think one thing to keep in mind is that, just like how the asexual community is a spectrum, sexuality is a spectrum as well. Each person's sexual experience will be different. A lot of the stuff I'm seeing is nit-picky argument. The creator was originally designing this thread to combat the misleading stereotypes put on sexuals by the ace community from what I can see.. Correct me if I'm wrong here..

Stay happy, my friends~

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JDP
4 minutes ago, Serran said:

 

I've found that my attraction is just extremely picky, apparently. Took 15 years of relationships to find someone that sparked it. So, I understand some intimacy through some sexual things. But, I'd rather have a long, soulful, loving conversation too. Or a three hour cuddle session. And, if my partner were like "OK our relationship is 100% non-sexual now" I would be fine as long as we could still have those. :) 

Three hours of cuddling and pillow talk sounds great to me, too. To me I had to have sex just to get there.

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Gleep
1 minute ago, Serran said:

 

I've found that my attraction is just extremely picky, apparently. Took 15 years of relationships to find someone that sparked it. So, I understand some intimacy through some sexual things. But, I'd rather have a long, soulful, loving conversation too. Or a three hour cuddle session. And, if my partner were like "OK our relationship is 100% non-sexual now" I would be fine as long as we could still have those. :) 

I get that! I actually really do understand where you're coming from. That would work for me as well. But cuddling leads to his scent in my nose and in my brain. Which leads to me wanting to tickle or play or be silly.

Eventually when you've been together so many years, and you ask for a long intimate conversation, there's nothing left. I know his taboo subjects. He's slightly rabid athiest. I'm agnostic but spiritual. I can't talk about anything spiritual because I'll be made fun of. I can't tickle or play because Eww. When he asks "What am I thinking" and I'm thinking of crap I know will irritate him but don't want to say, do I say it? Or do I say nothing and add another brick in that wall?

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Perkins

So what are some of the misleading stereotypes of sexuals on this site, apart from them wanting sex 24/7?

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Telecaster68
Just now, Dellakat said:

I think one thing to keep in mind is that, just like how the asexual community is a spectrum, sexuality is a spectrum as well. Each person's sexual experience will be different. A lot of the stuff I'm seeing is nit-picky argument. The creator was originally designing this thread to combat the misleading stereotypes put on sexuals by the ace community from what I can see.. Correct me if I'm wrong here..

Stay happy, my friends~

Yeah we got a bit diverted.

 

The other motivation was the way asexuals often try to understand sexuality by drawing up algorithmic rules, and it's just not like that, which is why all the attraction/desire/arousal arguments are pointless. It just is as simple as wanting to have sex with someone, and since asexuals can't do that, they'll just have to sexuals' word for how it actually works, rather than trying to enlighten us on how we're wrong...

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NoLongerActive1234

I think a common misconception about sexuals here and even among sexuals (especially young people) is that sexual desire only has to do with physical appearance and casual connections. The emotional side of it and importance of it to a relationship sort of become lost. I think this has to do with the times. For a long while the only things that were acceptable about sex was that it happened within marriage between a loving, devoted man-wife couple context otherwise it'd be seen as sinful. I think the current culture where casual sex idea is pushed forward so much and seen as "the epitome of coolness" is like a backlash from how it used to be. I think it is a good thing because it shows that there should be no shame if all parties are aboard and it is safe. On the other hand it has become what is the trend atm, meaning what is being most out there and talked of but doesn't mean that is the only experience for all sexuals since as always that is very individual. 

 

The above doesn't have all too much to do with sexual-asexuall relationship dynamic I guess, when it comes to that I think it is usually a big incompatibility that has got to be rough on both ends. When it is about such huge differences in 'what is intimacy' to each person that has got to sting and hurt a lot more than other things because it is such a valuable part of relationships. I think it is very sad and I don't condone anyone for needing sex or for not needing sex I think it is just unfortunate that it ends up with a mismatch. 

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JDP

Is it a stereotype to say a sexual experiences a kind of intimacy asexuals cannot?

 

That appears to be a common thread among the sexuals I've talked to, here. They describe this fantastic "connection" only accruing from sex.

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Telecaster68
1 minute ago, Perkins said:

So what are some of the misleading stereotypes of sexuals on this site, apart from them wanting sex 24/7?

Not just stereotypes, but a few misconceptions about sex:

  • Sex is just about orgasms
  • Masturbation/looking at sunsets/talking/etc can replace sex in a relationship
  • Sexual people are plagued by uncontrollable lusts when looking at people in the street
  • Sexual attraction is some undefinable magic 
  • Disentangling romantic/aesthetic/physical/sexual attraction will explain why people want sex

 

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timewarp
14 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Timewarp 

 

How do you mean, the other way round? Surely you were the one with the choice?

 

Well, depends on how you define choice. I did have a choice to try to make sex work even if I was not turned on, but that requires two people. I was expected to function, and things are not that easy for obvious reasons. Compared to my own experiences the sexuals who post here make significantly more effort to try and make things work than my partners at that time.

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Telecaster68
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doesn't have all too much to do with sexual-asexuall relationship dynamic I guess,

Not intrinsically, I know, but because many asexuals have no understanding of how sex is part of a relationship, they only have those external representations to go on, and end up with some massive misconceptions. Sexuals may well start with those same misconceptions, but as they have sex in relationships, they figure out how it works for them.

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Telecaster68
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Is it a stereotype to say a sexual experiences a kind of intimacy asexuals cannot?

I think it's a given.

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Gleep

I'm demisexual. I really do not give a single solitary flip for any man other than my husband. Sorry. I'm not attracted to men generally. I want *him*. When I do want, I'm not interested because of something I saw on tv or porn or anything like that, I'm wanting HIM. .. because he looked in my eyes a little too long, or because I got a whiff of his skin or hair, or he did some goofy thing or made a stupid joke, or when sleeping he put his hand on my thigh and squeezed.

 

Also when I've had a horrible day where every customer was yelling at me, boss yelled at me over stuff I have no control over. I need reassurance.

 

Please, be my sanctuary for a little while. Make me feel loved  and desirable... worth keeping around. That I'm not some selfish thing. And that's where we get shot down and told no. Not worth the effort. No, that's repulsive.

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Telecaster68
14 minutes ago, Perkins said:

So what are some of the misleading stereotypes of sexuals on this site, apart from them wanting sex 24/7?

Oh and the biggy: because some sexuals find sexless relationships painful enough to split up over, our partners are just sex dolls to us.

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Gleep
11 minutes ago, asexjoe said:

Is it a stereotype to say a sexual experiences a kind of intimacy asexuals cannot?

 

That appears to be a common thread among the sexuals I've talked to, here. They describe this fantastic "connection" only accruing from sex.

I can't speak for you that you don't experience it. That isn't fair to aces to say that they CAN'T experience an intimate connection.

 

But if you're looking at me like a cow looking at a new fence when I'm describing to you what I NEED and what is missing, then I have to wonder if you've experienced it at all?

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timewarp

Telecaster, now that I think about it there was another aspect that makes it "the other way around". Particularly in my last attempt to have a relationship with a sexual, her approach was to stop trying intimacy all together and let me "sort out my problems first", whereas what would have helped me was most likely the opposite. I would have enjoyed the physical closeness a lot and I do think we would have slowly got to a situation where more would have been possible. Communication about it was blocked off by her as well (which is remarkable given that she was a psychologist). And being playful and considering all kinds of toys was also out of the question.

 

Now that I'm in a relationship with another ace, I do get physical closeness and I even get the emotional satisfaction out of it that (I think) you describe referring to sex - only that for us it's limited to kissing, cuddling etc.

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vega57
14 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Not just stereotypes, but a few misconceptions about sex:

  • Sex is just about orgasms
  • Masturbation/looking at sunsets/talking/etc can replace sex in a relationship
  • Sexual people are plagued by uncontrollable lusts when looking at people in the street
  • Sexual attraction is some undefinable magic 
  • Disentangling romantic/aesthetic/physical/sexual attraction will explain why people want sex

 

Take orgasms out of the equation. 

 

Would MOST sexuals still want to have sex? 

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Gleep

And what absolutely sucks is my husband is the best lover I've ever had. Absolutely no question about it. No hesitation. Male or female.

 

 

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Gleep
1 minute ago, vega57 said:

Take orgasms out of the equation. 

 

Would MOST sexuals still want to have sex? 

Go back to my very first post in this thread. Where I'm talking about the endorphin fueled joy and relaxation with your lover.

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Perkins

Personally with orgasms out of the equation... it wouldn't be as enjoyable for me, no.

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Telecaster68
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Would MOST sexuals still want to have sex?

I'd want it less, probably. But see the car analogy: there's more to a car than the engine, but you wouldn't want one without.

 

It's not just the actual moment of orgasm though - there's a very pleasurable build up of pleasure, and the orgasm is the release, so removing orgasms would remove the build up as well as the actual orgasm. And that build up is wayyy better with a partner than solo. It's a whole different thing.

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JDP
8 minutes ago, Gleep said:

I can't speak for you that you don't experience it. That isn't fair to aces to say that they CAN'T experience an intimate connection.

 

But if you're looking at me like a cow looking at a new fence when I'm describing to you what I NEED and what is missing, then I have to wonder if you've experienced it at all?

It isn't fair to whom, exactly?

 

There doesn't seem to be anyone here that claims to experience without sex that which you argue so convincingly have experienced only FROM sex.

 

As for your last question, no I haven't experienced it and it never occurred to me that I ever would.

 

It just wasn't in my vocabulary. You can't expect me to feel with wooden legs what you feel with natural ones.

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NoLongerActive1234
29 minutes ago, asexjoe said:

Is it a stereotype to say a sexual experiences a kind of intimacy asexuals cannot?

 

That appears to be a common thread among the sexuals I've talked to, here. They describe this fantastic "connection" only accruing from sex.

I think one can definitely say that sexuals do experience an intimacy asexuals cannot however I do not see it as a loss for an asexual not to experience it or some vice versa scenario. I see it similarly to this: So since I am a lady I will never ever experience the joy of being able to pee standing up... The thing is that I am perfectly content not ever getting to know what that is like /who knows maybe I'd even hate it) although of course if I did feel bothered by it then it could be a problem for me. This might be a weird comparison although I think it has a good point. 

 

25 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Not intrinsically, I know, but because many asexuals have no understanding of how sex is part of a relationship, they only have those external representations to go on, and end up with some massive misconceptions. Sexuals may well start with those same misconceptions, but as they have sex in relationships, they figure out how it works for them.

Indeed and it is not fun to see such misunderstandings occur especially if it leads to asexual elitism and asexuals condoning sexuals for finding sex crucial in a relationship. Tbh though from what I have come across not every sexual knows what is up about sex either. It seems to be a human thing to default into thinking that ones own experience is the way of everyone else. I think therefor it is good in general that it is heard about that these things simply are very individual as well because it promotes for more compatible relationships between sexuals too. 

 

20 minutes ago, Gleep said:

I'm demisexual. I really do not give a single solitary flip for any man other than my husband. Sorry. I'm not attracted to men generally. I want *him*. When I do want, I'm not interested because of something I saw on tv or porn or anything like that, I'm wanting HIM. .. because he looked in my eyes a little too long, or because I got a whiff of his skin or hair, or he did some goofy thing or made a stupid joke, or when sleeping he put his hand on my thigh and squeezed.

 

Also when I've had a horrible day where every customer was yelling at me, boss yelled at me over stuff I have no control over. I need reassurance.

 

Please, be my sanctuary for a little while. Make me feel loved  and desirable... worth keeping around. That I'm not some selfish thing. And that's where we get shot down and told no. Not worth the effort. No, that's repulsive.

Same here pretty much! ^_^

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Gleep
Just now, asexjoe said:

It isn't fair to whom, exactly?

 

There doesn't seem to be anyone here that claims to experience without sex that which you argue so convincingly have experienced only FROM sex.

 

As for your last question, no I haven't experienced it and it never occurred to me that I ever would.

 

It just wasn't in my vocabulary. You can't expect me to feel with wooden legs what you feel with natural ones.

It isn't fair to say to anyone, and especially not to generalize to an entire group of people, what they have or have not felt. I may be a very good writer, and able to convey feelings and meanings, but you don't actually know what I feel. None of us are able to get inside another person's head and truly know.

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JDP
13 minutes ago, Gleep said:

And what absolutely sucks is my husband is the best lover I've ever had. Absolutely no question about it. No hesitation. Male or female.

And if your husband continued to be a great lover, but couldn't orgasm, how would that affect you?

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MrDane
2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

This man gets pretty much the same feelings. Not always, and not the whole time necessarily. But there's always a good chance there'll be something along those lines, and at an absolute minimum, there's a shared deep pleasure that's way more than the physical sensations.

Me too! 

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JDP
Just now, Gleep said:

It isn't fair to say to anyone, and especially not to generalize to an entire group of people, what they have or have not felt. I may be a very good writer, and able to convey feelings and meanings, but you don't actually know what I feel. None of us are able to get inside another person's head and truly know.

Well that is true. I am simply reporting what I see on this board. The asexuals here do not appear, to me, to be able to experience the connection you describe. The way the sexuals themselves describe this intimacy, it's only achievable with sex.

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