Jump to content
Telecaster68

What sexuals are really thinking

Recommended Posts

Telecaster68

A thread to tackle the frequently cited misconceptions about sexuals on AVEN...

 

Feel free to pitch in with questions, answer questions, or just contribute on the more common ways people on AVEN get sexuality round their necks.

 

Here's a starter.

 

When sexuals withdraw having been routinely turned down or informed their partners just don't want to have sex ever, it's not petulance. It's a combination of self-protection: we put ourselves out there and made ourselves vulnerable, and our partners have rejected us. (yes, I know 'it's not personal', but since we're the only people you're in a relationship with, it feels personal, and that's not going to change); and the lack of the closeness that we get from sex - one of the things sex does in a relationship is kind of emotional maintenance. All those trivial day to day irritations (leaving the washing up, watching stuff on TV we don't really like, making stupid jokes, whatever) matter way, way less when we have sex. It's brain chemicals. To coin a phrase: it's not personal.

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gleep

It is a way to feel loved and wanted and desired. Like you're something precious. Rubbing slimy bits, while enjoyable, isn't what causes tears. You can rub your own slimy bits. It is the endorphin enhanced connection you feel to your partner. It is being completely lost in your mutual pleasure of each other. It is touch and taste and scent. It is the irresistible, incomprehensible, JOY. It is being suffused in the scent of them when completely high on endorphins. It is a moment where all the petty concerns in your life do not exist. Pain doesn't exist, the bills don't exist, and you're just high on the joy of your lover. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Law of Circles

Being sexual doesn't necessarily mean you want to bang everyone on the street, or even every attractive person on the street. For many sexuals, sexuality is most satisfying when shared between people who have a deep emotional connection. Physical appearance is not always the driving factor. Some sexuals have no interest in casual sex. They might occasionally sexually fantasize about attractive celebrities or other people they know, but that doesn't necessarily mean they'd actually have sex with them, given the chance. There are some who would (and there's nothing wrong with that!). However, it's not as universal as some discussions on AVEN might lead one to believe.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JDP
11 minutes ago, Gleep said:

It is a way to feel loved and wanted and desired. Like you're something precious. Rubbing slimy bits, while enjoyable, isn't what causes tears. You can rub your own slimy bits. It is the endorphin enhanced connection you feel to your partner. It is being completely lost in your mutual pleasure of each other. It is touch and taste and scent. It is the irresistible, incomprehensible, JOY. It is being suffused in the scent of them when completely high on endorphins. It is a moment where all the petty concerns in your life do not exist. Pain doesn't exist, the bills don't exist, and you're just high on the joy of your lover. 

Must be nice. I've had sex with women I loved, thousands of times, but I never experienced anything like you describe.

 

I'm wondering if it's more true for women than for men, in general, because of the neurological differences between the sexes, because I've never heard a man describe the feelings you just did.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
Quote

I'm wondering if it's more true for women than for men, in general, because of the neurological differences between the sexes, because I've never heard a man describe the feelings you just did.

This man gets pretty much the same feelings. Not always, and not the whole time necessarily. But there's always a good chance there'll be something along those lines, and at an absolute minimum, there's a shared deep pleasure that's way more than the physical sensations.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gleep
Just now, asexjoe said:

Must be nice. I've had sex with women I loved, thousands of times, but I never experienced anything like you describe.

 

I'm wondering if it's more true for women than for men, in general, because of the neurological differences between the sexes, because I've never heard a man describe the feelings you just did.

Entirely probable.  Men and women have very different emotional connections to sex, but I wouldn't be surprised if there were a few men who had similar responses. But I also believe they would be the exception rather than the norm. I am not making the generalization that men are unemotional, but women have been trained in the western world more that love and sex are all tangled up in our heads.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Maybe I'm odd, but I think men do get that depth of emotion from good sex as part of a relationship, we're just less likely to articulate it.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JDP
Just now, Gleep said:

Entirely probable.  Men and women have very different emotional connections to sex, but I wouldn't be surprised if there were a few men who had similar responses. But I also believe they would be the exception rather than the norm. I am not making the generalization that men are unemotional, but women have been trained in the western world more that love and sex are all tangled up in our heads.

That would explain why my emotional detachment during sex wasn't all that important to them at the time.

 

Oh well. It doesn't matter now. That's all in the past.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gleep
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

Maybe I'm odd, but I think men do get that depth of emotion from good sex as part of a relationship, we're just less likely to articulate it.

Hammer meet nail. Perfect.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JDP
3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

This man gets pretty much the same feelings. Not always, and not the whole time necessarily. But there's always a good chance there'll be something along those lines, and at an absolute minimum, there's a shared deep pleasure that's way more than the physical sensations.

You may be an exception.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gleep

That feeling of being cherished, of being wanted, that euphoric glow of endorphins fades over time. Every unkind word, every time we're turned down, every time we're kicked by work or friends or just inconsequential bullhockey of a bad day chips away at it. During good sex, it refills that buffer that separates the sanctuary of the relationship from the rest of the world. The longer you go without reinforcing those feelings, the thinner that sanctuary wall gets. It's the two (or more) of you against the world... except for sexuals without getting that top-off to refilling the sanctuary wall, it isn't. Instead of sharing that intimate closeness, the endorphic sanctuary weakens. "I'm someone you keep a distance from." There's a wall between two people that shouldn't have walls.
There becomes a hesitation in sharing.
"I shouldn't touch them because.."
I suddenly get a whiff of his skin in passing and just want to snog him til he can't see straight... "no, wait... he wouldn't appreciate that"
Your feelings become suspect and taboo subjects. Which makes you doubt yourself.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
Just now, asexjoe said:

You may be an exception.

I might. Not having had sex with another man, I wouldn't know.

 

On the other hand, if you look at the Reddit sub DeadBedrooms, at least half of the posters are men, and more or less all the posts about lack of sex are about the emotional connection rather than just getting their end away.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
Quote

There's a wall between two people that shouldn't have walls.

And we have no choice but to deal with it on our asexual partner's terms, which makes something that is normally simple and joyous into something complicated and fraught.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JDP
4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I might. Not having had sex with another man, I wouldn't know.

 

On the other hand, if you look at the Reddit sub DeadBedrooms, at least half of the posters are men, and more or less all the posts about lack of sex are about the emotional connection rather than just getting their end away.

The men on those boards can hardly be considered representative of the larger population.

 

These are people wholly unprepared for the inevitable decline of passion which occurs in most marriages. Their expectations were, and are, unreasonably high.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
Quote

The men on those boards can hardly be considered representative of the larger population

Why not?

 

Quote

These are people wholly unprepared for the inevitable decline of passion which occurs in most marriages. Their expectations were, and are, unreasonably high.

Kinsey averages do show a decline over time: 2-3 times a week in your twenties, 1-2 a week in your thirties, 5-6 times a month in your forties, then declining but still some kind of sex into 60s and 70s. But that's not what those posters are talking about, in the overwhelming majority of cases. They're generally talking about their partner just flat not wanting sex, ever, frequently in their 20s and 30s.

 

It is absolutely a reasonable expectation that sex doesn't disappear from a relationship.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gleep
7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Why not?

 

Kinsey averages do show a decline over time: 2-3 times a week in your twenties, 1-2 a week in your thirties, 5-6 times a month in your forties, then declining but still some kind of sex into 60s and 70s. But that's not what those posters are talking about, in the overwhelming majority of cases. They're generally talking about their partner just flat not wanting sex, ever, frequently in their 20s and 30s.

 

It is absolutely a reasonable expectation that sex doesn't disappear from a relationship.

Jesus Christ. I was delighted with once a week in my 20s. But I'm a known demi. Still, there will be something in my lover's skin, I'll just pass him in the kitchen and get a whiff of his sweat or hair or hell-if-I-know and it's like an ice pick to my brain but in a very good way.

In my 40s now and I'd be delighted if it'd be more than once in 8 months if that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JDP
4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Why not?

The larger population of men prefer to complain to their mistresses, not to total strangers on a public forum.

 

It is an unanswerable question, but it's not like the guys I know to air their dirty laundry in public when there are more effective alternatives.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
Quote

The larger population of men prefer to complain to their mistresses, not to total strangers on a public forum.

You think most men in a sexless relationship are having affairs?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JDP
8 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It is absolutely a reasonable expectation that sex doesn't disappear from a relationship.

You'll never hear that from a psychologist. Sex isn't strictly, absolutely necessary in a long, loving, sustainable marriage.

 

Ultimately the choice is between passion and commitment. They are mutually exclusive.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gleep
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

You think most men in a sexless relationship are having affairs?

The better question is will they have affairs. And yes. Absolutely. Mankind isn't a monogamous animal. Eventually if  they aren't getting the emotional care and feeding they need, they will find it somewhere else. Doesn't matter how much they love their partner.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JDP
2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

You think most men in a sexless relationship are having affairs?

I don't see why not. There is no shortage of men and women who are open to cheating. Most people have done it at least once.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
Quote

Sex isn't strictly, absolutely necessary in a long, loving, sustainable marriage.

True, if the sexual can put up with being miserable, in almost all cases.

 

Quote

Ultimately the choice is between passion and commitment. They are mutually exclusive.

How can I put this?

 

Bollocks.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JDP
Just now, Gleep said:

The better question is will they have affairs. And yes. Absolutely. Mankind isn't a monogamous animal. Eventually if  they aren't getting the emotional care and feeding they need, they will find it somewhere else. Doesn't matter how much they love their partner.

Exactly. Love has nothing to do with it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
Just now, asexjoe said:

I don't see why not. There is no shortage of men and women who are open to cheating. Most people have done it at least once.

'I don't see why not' sounds like a convenient line of thinking based on nothing at all, with the benefit of relieving asexual partners of any responsibility for their partner's happiness.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Perkins

Even if my partner wasn't giving me regular sex, I wouldn't go out and cheat on them. I honestly can't think of anyone I know that would do that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gleep
Just now, asexjoe said:

Exactly. Love has nothing to do with it.

Incorrect. Love has everything to do with it. And there is a requirement of intimacy and endorphin enhanced connection that most humans need. We feel duty and honor to our partners to be with them, but there are needs that are not being met inside the relationship.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
1 minute ago, asexjoe said:

Exactly. Love has nothing to do with it.

'Care and feeding' is part of loving.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JDP
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

True, if the sexual can put up with being miserable, in almost all cases.

 

How can I put this?

 

Bollocks.

We have a difference of opinion, but those who value sexual desirability and "intimacy" the most are least likely to stick it out to the bitter end.

 

I've known many couples who started out in a ball of flame and divorced because they couldn't keep it going.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Homer
1 minute ago, Perkins said:

Even if my partner wasn't giving me regular sex, I wouldn't go out and cheat on them. I honestly can't think of anyone I know that would do that.

I've witnessed it. It is very much a thing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
Quote

those who value sexual desirability and "intimacy" the most are least likely to stick it out to the bitter end.

Well, obviously, if their asexual partner has unilaterally decided that's no longer part of the relationship.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...