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Sweet_Sindelle

Here We Go Again!!!

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Sweet_Sindelle

Alright guys. I pose a new group of questions for you....The latest chapter to my saga continues on and on and on again.

I don't know where to go from here. The issue of the sex with the husband keeps arising. I have tried to comprimise with him. I gave in to him 3 times in the past 1 1/2 months and he has showed nothing in return. Everything is about sex or his satisfaction. It doesn't matter how emotionally traumatized I get having sex or doing things that I am not comfortable doing, all that matters is what will make him happy...

So here I am thinking over my life and wondering just how bad could it be living on my own raising two children...

How Do I Leave? What Do I Tell My Children? Where do I go From Here? Is There Life Out There After Divorce? How Do I Not End Up Here Again?

I never wanted things to come to this but I don't think that it will ever be any different if I stay. The same issues will keep coming up and I can't do it anymore.

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dyyanae

No real advice here I'm afraid, since I didn't make a very successful marriage myself.

But lots of sympathy and encouragement to do what feels right to you!!!

To be really truly honest, it doesn't sound good to me that your feelings are not being taken into account. It's not really a compromise if only one person is making concessions is it?

I know it's tough and scary to be on your own. But I've also heard from many others that if there's that kind of tension in the family it is just as harmful, sometimes even more harmful, to children than divorce itself.

Wishing you the best of luck with everything.

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Aeriel

Hi SS, sorry to hear things aren't any better for you. The following advice is not from the perspective of one who has actually gone through separation, divorce or child-rearing, so feel free to take it or leave it. But I would approach your problem with as little emotion and as much logic as possible, bearing in mind that your main goal is a comfortable and happy future for you and your children.

First, I would have a serious talk with your husband to make sure that he knows just how serious you are about his lack of consideration for your needs. That if things don't change, and quickly, you will take steps to end the marriage, and see to it that he takes financial responsibility for his children. That should sober him up quick.

Second, see a lawyer or get legal help so that you will know what steps to take next. I think most US cities and towns have services that can help with this at little or no cost to you. Find out about costs, time frames, and services that can be of help to you.

Third, if you aren't already self-supporting, take steps to get that way. Again, many cities offer help to unskilled or never-employed women so that they can enter the work force.

And fourth but by no means last, make sure you've got somewhere to land: a friend, a relative, or a shelter, if things get dramatically worse in the short term.

Good luck to you, and I hope someone who has actually been through this will have more, or better, advice to offer.

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vikingo

Difficult questions ...

Kids deserve to be able to relate to both a mother and a father. You and your husband also deserve a good life, and if the marriage gets unbearable to you take the consequence. Its probably better for kids to grow up with one happy parent than two unhappy parents.

Being a single parent can be rough. But many seem to cope. Considering the high prices for all parties, engaging with a marriage councellor or coach should be given a thought. Also to ensure that your point of view and your feelings about giving him sex is actually getting through to him.

Don't fight people. Fight the crisis instead. I wish you strength.

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Derp

Aww, Sindelle.. Sorry to see it had to come to this, but I've been following your threads ever since you registered here, and it sounds to me like he gave you no choice. I can tell you're a kind, thoughtful person, and you've obviously been giving 200% to this marriage and getting nothing back. You deserve better than that.

As far as practical advice goes, I have to second Aeriel. Plus, sometimes help entering the workforce includes assistance with tuition, if you wished to go back to school.

I don't really know what else to add, since I've never been through this either, but my heart goes out to you and I just wanted to offer more encouragement and support. Best wishes to you! :cake:

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Sweet_Sindelle
t's not really a compromise if only one person is making concessions is it?

I agree completely. I feel that giving in to the sex and getting him off in other ways was more then enough of a comprimise on my part. I'm not exactly sure how it is that he is supposed to comprimise on my behalf. I guess some space and less pressure would be a good start.

Kids deserve to be able to relate to both a mother and a father. You and your husband also deserve a good life, and if the marriage gets unbearable to you take the consequence. Its probably better for kids to grow up with one happy parent than two unhappy parents.

The last thing that I want to do it take my children away. They deserve to know their father and have one in their life. I know that the kids are feeding off of the tension that has been in the household and thats not good for them either. My husband has told me that he is 32 years old and he has needs. He is not willing to live his life without sex. I never asked him to do that and I don't expect him to. He has a right to be happy but so do I. I have told him that I could come to terms with him but the pressure from him needs to stop and it has to be on my terms and my idea to make it less difficult on me..He doesn't understand that.

I think the children would be hurt at first but they would grow to understand. Eventually though they are going to ask more questions deserving more detailed answers. Eventually they will want to know why the marriage ended.

First, I would have a serious talk with your husband to make sure that he knows just how serious you are about his lack of consideration for your needs.

We went through this before Christmas and I laid everything out on the table then. He knew I was ready to go and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. It didn't work then. He keeps asking me where we go from here. I see us as going in circles over and over again.

Third, if you aren't already self-supporting, take steps to get that way. Again, many cities offer help to unskilled or never-employed women so that they can enter the work force.

I have employment right now but it's not full time, it's casual. Working on call is not going to help support my family thats for sure. At this point if I need to have government assistance then I will until I land that full time job that will support my family. I would like to go back to school so I am looking into that.

I don't have many friends and all of my family lives on the other side of the country. That doesn't help much but my family wouldn't be much help anyways. I am planning things out right now before I make my final, final decision. I want to know where I stand. I will have a plan in place and hopfully things will go as smoothly as possible.

my heart goes out to you and I just wanted to offer more encouragement and support. Best wishes to you!

Thanks! It's members like you guys that made me come here to begin with. I have never stayed with a site as long as I have AVEN. The support that everyone gives here means so much to people like me who don't have anyone else to turn to.

No matter how things go in my real life. I can always count on AVEN.

The encouragement and support mean a lot to me!

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QuixoticGal

Just my personal thoughts. If you've made up your mind to leave then prepare yourself to do just that. The earlier posts here have given a lot of good advise.

But if you're still sitting on the fence, then I'd recommend reading "Difficult Conversations - How to Discuss What Matters Most" by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen. I'd recommend it for anyone going through a difficult time where they have to talk out issues with the other people in their life. It gives excellent advise for sorting out what happened; looking at truth, intention and blame; understanding the emotions involved; recognizing contribution (both yours and theirs); and how this issue affects your identity (what's a stake for you about you).

It also gives several ways to look at the problems and determine IF having a conversation (or additional conversations) will help. If more talking is the way to go it tells you how to approach the other person to get them actively involved in the conversation and remove the defensiveness most of us have during a difficult discussion.

No matter what you decide it won't be easy, but it sounds like you have a a good understanding of the situation are are prepared to move forward in an insightful manner.

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Amcan

I have no advice already than what has already been said.

I'm sorry things are turning out as they are but I agree you're doing alll you can to helpt he marriage and I respect that.

But yes I would definetly explore options.

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Ziffler

Hey!

I can't give advise. Never married, no kids and never had sex, so I'm not qualified to give advise on any level.

But I did want to give encouragement and well wishes to you and especially the kids. I have some experience with kids, through working with children from broken homes, troubles lives and abandonment. I haven't read your previous posts, so I know nothing about them, ages, genders or anything, but since there is tension in the home, the kids are feeling it. In this age when 50% of all marriages end in divorce, if the children are of school age, then they are worried that they will become part of that statistic. Whether you stay together and endure a tension filled marriage, or seperate with all the tension that causes, the kids are going to feel it either way and it will affect them. So any decision you and your husband make concerning the marriage needs to take into account how that decision is going to affect the kids. Which way are they better off and I'm not talking about financially, but emotionally.

Since I am a man and I do have an active sex drive, even though I'm asexual and a virgin, I do understand things from a man's perspective.

Everything is about sex or his satisfaction. It doesn't matter how emotionally traumatized I get having sex or doing things that I am not comfortable doing, all that matters is what will make him happy...

Exactly. That is the nature of a man. To be honest, he probably discusses this with his buddies and all of them agree with him, that they haven't a clue why you are not happy. The sex is good, from a mans point of view, so you should be happy. You have kids by him, so you had sex. He can't understand why you had sex to make kids, but now you don't want to. His older friends will have told him, that you're going thru the change, and that your hormones are all out of wack, and there isn't anything to be done about it but wait you out. Your husband hasn't a clue. I know, You talked to him. But he still don't have a clue. Men don't understand women. We never have and never will. Occassionally a man comes along that is in touch with his femine side and has some understanding of women, but those men are few and far between. Your husband don't sound like he's that type.

There is a reason for the saying that men don't think with the head on their shoulders but with the head on their male member. It's a fact. Our hormones are very potent and the longer we go without release, the more demanding those hormones get.

Oh, another thing. If your husband knows you go online and chat with people online about your sex life. If you choose divorce, he will blame it all on the computer. That we people that you talk with, destroyed his marriage. Like I said, men don't understand women. Even in the sexual world, men havn't a clue as to what makes a women happy in sex. The man believes if he got what he needed then the woman must have also.

Like I said at the beginning, No Advice, just some things to think about.

Wish you luck. But mostly I wish for whats best for the children. They are the innocent ones in this.

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Elizabeth I
I pose a new group of questions for you....The latest chapter to my saga continues on and on and on again.

I am a bit curious ..did you know that you posted this on the "Older Asexuals" forum? That's probably why Zif thinks your hubby's friends may suggest that you are going through "THE CHANGE". That's an ailment not likely to be striking a 27 year old .... :wink:

I don't know where to go from here. The issue of the sex with the husband keeps arising.

And it's probably not something that's going to stop. I found your post interesting, and since it sounded as though we should be familiar with your circunstances, I looked at some of your other posts.

So....let me see if I have the information right....

You are 27, He is 32 you have had a sexual relationship with him for 10 years and have been married to him for 6 1/2 years? You have 2 boys aged 7 and 3 1/2. You have been sexually active since age 13 and had several other sexual relationships prior to meeting your husband?

As I have mentioned in other posts, I never knew there were asexual men in the world until I found AVEN. But I DID know very early on that most men don't think about much of anything else but sex.

What is it about your husband that is so special that it's kept the two of you together for 10 years? You were a couple for 3 years before you married....so you probably knew each other pretty well, It doen't seem like your marriage was a hasty decision. ending it shouldn't be a hasty decision either

I have tried to comprimise with him. I gave in to him 3 times in the past 1 1/2 months and he has showed nothing in return

You are saying "comprimise" but it seems more like "bargaining", and I don't know if you even realize what it is you are bargaining FOR.

It's sounds to me like you LOVE this man, and desperately want his attention.

I know ....I COULD be wrong, but I think that if he started to treat you as if he were "courting" you, you might be a bit more receptive to his advances.

You guys have been together 10 years! In a man's brain...that's property that's been paid for... and he's got the title.

Maybe you are really feeling unloved, and you think sex is the only thing you have that he wants, so your going to make sure he KNOWS that when he gets it....It's because you a making the ultimate sacrifice.

Ask yourself seriously, without an audience.. if that is really the case.

If it is....Then my advice would be for you would be to seperate, at least until you both decide what is most important to you.

So here I am thinking over my life and wondering just how bad could it be living on my own raising two children....How Do I Leave? What Do I Tell My Children? Where do I go From Here? Is There Life Out There After Divorce? How Do I Not End Up Here Again?...

Things are changing, but in most states, women still get custody of their children, mostly because that issue usually goes uncontested, but the issue of financial support is quite another matter.

Beyond the wonderful advice that the others have given you, I would also suggest that you see an attorney, so you know what to expect.

I never wanted things to come to this but I don't think that it will ever be any different if I stay.

That's very true, but things will also never be the SAME as they were before you were married and had two children!

I wish you and your family the best, and hope you can find peace ....BEFORE you go through "THE CHANGE".

Lizzie

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Sweet_Sindelle

Thanks Lizzie and Ziffler

I decided to post this in the Older Asexuals forum so that I could get the opinions of Older Asexuals who may have already been where I am now. Not that the younger asexuals on the site aren't supportive and informative, I just wanted some expertise.

That's an ailment not likely to be striking a 27 year old

I'm not exactly sure how much information my husbands friends now about my situation, but they are all male (no offence to any males that may be reading this) and a women with no desire for sex is a difficult concept to understand. Of course there would be something wrong with me, because how can sex be bad...even bad sex is good...or so I've been told.

What is it about your husband that is so special that it's kept the two of you together for 10 years

I don't know! All of my changes didn't really start to occur until last year around this time. I was never interested in sex but did it because that's what I thought I had to do as a wife. It wasn't really until this oast year that I started to question my feelings towards my husband and wonder if I had ever really loved him or know what love is. I am not sure if I have ever been loved or felt true love or been able to give love in return.

I have never been on my own and I have been with hubby since 17. I guess I am scared to go the direction.

You have been sexually active since age 13 and had several other sexual relationships prior to meeting your husband?

When I was sexually active at this time, it wasn't because I enjoyed it. I did it mainly because thats what every one else was doing. I thought that I had to have sex with people to get them to like me. The relationships that I did have before my husband were all the same. I would have sex long enough to know that I had a relationship, but then they would leave shortly after the sex stopped. With hubby it was the same. The sex has been on and off for periods of 3 to 6 months for the past 10 years.

I know ....I COULD be wrong, but I think that if he started to treat you as if he were "courting" you, you might be a bit more receptive to his advances

I think that you may be right here. I have often thought that if the pressure would stop and that he could go a little farther then just wanting sex that things could be better. I feel most of the time that it is all about the sex and not wanting to be close to me. I think if he took some time and let me take the necessary steps it would be easier. I have tried to explain this to him but he doesn't understand. It's not something that he can just turn off like he thinks I did.

Ziffler

I loved you perception of the male gender. It's almost feminine. :D Thanks you for your words of encouragement. My children are very important to me and its because of them that this decision is very difficult. I think that less tension in their lives would definately be better for them. One step at a time. I will get there sooner or later..hopefully sooner.

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Ziffler
Elizabeth I.....

I am a bit curious ..did you know that you posted this on the "Older Asexuals" forum? That's probably why Zif thinks your hubby's friends may suggest that you are going through "THE CHANGE". That's an ailment not likely to be striking a 27 year old ....

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Actually, Age makes no difference at all to how a guy thinks about women and their moods. For guys, when a woman isn't interested in sex, then she is either PMS'ing or Going thru the CHANGE!

Very few guys, study female habits, moods, emotions, life stages and bodily changes. It's all foriegn to us and we want to keep it that way. But that is also why guys have no clue as to when women go thru the change, so when a wife who has had sex with them for years, decides that sex is no longer a part of their relationship, the husband is going to think, CHANGE of LIFE irregardless of her age. :D :D :D :D :D

My sister hasn't had sex with her husband for 14 years now, and she uses the excuse of CHANGE OF LIFE. It works for her. :D :D :D She's 46 now so she's been using that excuse since she was 32. :D :D :D :D

So, don't over estimate a guys intellegence when it come to the inner workings of Women. :D :D :D We are DUMB and want to keep it that way. :D :D :D

Sweet_Sindelle.....

I'm not exactly sure how much information my husbands friends now about my situation

Alomst everything. That's one thing that guys do talk about. Their sex lives or lack there of. He is sure to have spoken of it with his closest friends who are married. Asking them if it's a stage or a phase. What can be done to fix it. Yep. They have talked.

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Calla_Lily

hi sindelle,

sorry to hear about your unhappy situation. leaving a marriage, even a bad one, is painful and difficult. but the pain of leaving DOES end! staying in a bad marriage, the pain goes on and on. no one can tell you if or when you should leave a marriage. you will KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt when/if you should leave. (i also agree with the person who said that when one person is doing all the giving, it is not a compromise.)

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vikingo
... I am not sure if I have ever been loved or felt true love or been able to give love in return. ...
Being confronted with the issue of sexual incompatibility this would make anyone (even me) pose these questions. Someone, please invent the love detector. Either way - Sweet_Sindelle - don't loose focus on solving the "I want sex" crisis. If you can solve that your staying together is an option if you can't solve it staying together is not an option. If you cannot solve it try to find a way out minimising the wounds.

Generalisations can be dangerous, so I'll try one. It's my experience so don't burn me if you don't agree. In the teens we (males) question ourselves in search for identity and in the forties we question ourselves in search for a deeper meaning of life. In between there is a period of strong self confidence where we tend instead to question the world outside ourselves rendering us less prone to compromise.

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Ziffler
Generalisations can be dangerous, so I'll try one. It's my experience so don't burn me if you don't agree. In the teens we (males) question ourselves in search for identity and in the forties we question ourselves in search for a deeper meaning of life. In between there is a period of strong self confidence where we tend instead to question the world outside ourselves rendering us less prone to compromise.

I can second that idea. Well put.

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mouth brooder

I am moved beyond words by Sindelle's situation and by all the support here. That makes me want to respond even though my words will fall short of how I really feel.

One point I want to validate is about sex not having the potential for compromise.

I used to think of it in terms of compromise. What I didn't realize was that really the sex act needed to be a self contained experience for mutual fulfillment. Even though I could reach orgasm during sex, because I found the entire experience so unfulfilling, I expected my mate to sacrifice in other ways, not consciously, but nonetheless, I was much more prone to feel slighted by him (I should say "them").

I am watching one of my sibling's relationships putrefy as we speak. Neither one in that partnership has made any moves away from their dysfunctional patterns. They use the dysfunctions as an excuse to continue not to compromise or sacrifice. They really need counseling, legal advice, but instead what is happening is that their small children are learning to be manipulative, self absorbed, VICTIMS.

I've pressured my brother to seek outside help to no avail. He thinks it is a total waste of time and money. He prefers to spend most of his time at work anyway. She has a supposedly platonic relationship with an older man, and this guy is really just an enabler to the whole fiasco. Because she has this friend to lean on, she is much less likely to take any progressive steps.

Sindelle, you have expressed such touching concern for your children that I wanted you to know about what is happening to my nephews.

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Sweet_Sindelle

Well, It has been done. I have had it and put up with as much as I can take. I am finally moving on. I told him that this isn't working and that I would like to move. He has been trying to convince me to stay but it's not going to work this time.

Then plan is to let my oldest son finish school before I make the move. I am hoping for the beginning of July or very latest August. I am relieved but not as relieved as I will be after the move is completed.

Thanks to everyone for their support. I wish things had turned out differently but I think it is better this way not only for me but for my boys as well.

Is their life after marriage for a soon to be 27 year old with 2 boys? or Am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life?

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Calla_Lily

i'm so sorry to hear that things didn't work out for you sindelle. it does get better with time. i have been divorced for 7 years now and trust me, there IS life after divorce! i have never regretted getting divorced. my only regret is that i wasted so much of my life being unhappy and trying to fix the unfixable. i chose to take the lessons learned from my poor choice and move forward.

you're very young! why would being 27 with 2 boys doom you to a life of solitude?? you have as much chance as anyone else, of finding love again! allow yourself time to heal...laugh, cry, talk to friends, eat chocolate. there are divorce support groups out there that help some people. staying busy is a good thing, and as a mother of 2, you will have no trouble keeping busy! take care of yourself. *sending good thoughts and wishes your way, and a case of godiva chocolates*

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Derp

*points up* Yes, what she said. I know this is probably a stressful time for you right now, but hopefully you can think of this as a new beginning, and be confident that you made the right decision. And yes, 27 is very young. I have no doubt that you could find someone else, if that's what you want.. you come across as such a sweet, fun-loving person, of course you will. I know that I for one have appreciated having you here. :)

*hugs* and :cake:

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bug

Just take one day at a time and enjoy your lovely boys and one day you will start to feel real happiness, knowing that you have been and are a fabulous mum.

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liz8008

IF the sexual difference was the only issue, wouldn't it be great if there was a libido reducer that one could get (or put in a husband's coffee), some herb or something?

There is life after divorce, things get easier. You might start having more fun than you ever did before.

Liz

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BunnyK.
IF the sexual difference was the only issue, wouldn't it be great if there was a libido reducer that one could get (or put in a husband's coffee), some herb or something?

I know this is said in jest and all, but..

IF the sexual difference was the only issue, wouldn't it be great if there was a libido enhancer that one could get (or put in a husband's coffee), some herb or something? =P

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