Nsfm Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 Hi. I'm trying to get some advice. Pretty much I'm married. I noticed very early on my husband had a low sex drive but put it down to stress. Im completely opposite I have a very high drive this has caused a few issues. It got to the point where I would try coming onto him and I would end up feeling like i was repulsive or he wasn't attracted to me as every time there was an excuse or just a dirty look. We have a lot of sex toys that he used to use on me but that's stopped and I'm not allowed to use them on myself. I'm at a loss. We never cuddle or kiss. There is 0 intimacy now. I don't see how we can go on like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Nirnroot Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 Marriage counselling would be helpful. It sounds like you guys used to do those things together and don't anymore? Something has changed then, and it could be fixed if you could figure out what it is. I suggest counselling. Link to post Share on other sites
ItWasNiceKnowingYou Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 Moving from Welcome Lounge to For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies Forum SimplyAce, Welcome Lounge and Tea & Sympathy Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 Your husband has a lot of nerve telling you that you can't use toys on yourself. Ridiculous! You need nobody's consent but your own to masturbate. He sounds outrageously controlling even apart from the serious incompatibility and complete lack of intimacy. I think you should divorce him, but you could try marriage counseling first. If he doesn't want to go to marriage counseling you should just divorce him. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 My experience is that removing the everyday 'risk' of sex makes her (my introvert ace-wife) more comfortable about giving/receiving hugs and kisses. Link to post Share on other sites
Jackninja5 Posted August 20, 2017 Share Posted August 20, 2017 I can understand with using sex toys with him but with yourself only? That's just unfair dominance. Link to post Share on other sites
Treesarepretty Posted August 20, 2017 Share Posted August 20, 2017 On 8/18/2017 at 9:04 AM, Nsfm said: Hi. I'm trying to get some advice. Pretty much I'm married. I noticed very early on my husband had a low sex drive but put it down to stress. Im completely opposite I have a very high drive this has caused a few issues. It got to the point where I would try coming onto him and I would end up feeling like i was repulsive or he wasn't attracted to me as every time there was an excuse or just a dirty look. We have a lot of sex toys that he used to use on me but that's stopped and I'm not allowed to use them on myself. I'm at a loss. We never cuddle or kiss. There is 0 intimacy now. I don't see how we can go on like this. Dear God there is not enough information here to consider devorce, as some people have said. Definitly try counselling first. Although I will second one thing: not allowed to masturbate = too controlling. Is he super religious or something? Do you agree on ethical issues surrounding sex/masturbation? Link to post Share on other sites
Lara Black Posted August 21, 2017 Share Posted August 21, 2017 Hello, Nsfm. Have you had The Talk with your husband? Have you two defined his borders, your needs and posed the mismatch as a serious problem in need of solution? Your husband might feel some sort of “jealousy” over your self-satisfaction, but that doesn’t make your needs any less important. Counseling might help in talking these things through. If you two can’t come to an agreement with or without professional mediation, it might be an indication that you are incompatible in more ways than just sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Nsfm Posted September 16, 2017 Author Share Posted September 16, 2017 On 20/08/2017 at 9:01 AM, Jackninja5 said: I can understand with using sex toys with him but with yourself only? That's just unfair dominance. How is that unfair? Why should I only be able to have pleasure when he says so? Link to post Share on other sites
roland.o Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 3 minutes ago, Nsfm said: How is that unfair? I think you misread that. It's unfair of him, he's trying to dominate you. Don't let him. Link to post Share on other sites
roland.o Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 And, although a little late... welcome to the AVEN forums. Have some cake! Link to post Share on other sites
Nsfm Posted September 16, 2017 Author Share Posted September 16, 2017 On 21/08/2017 at 0:52 AM, Treesarepretty said: Dear God there is not enough information here to consider devorce, as some people have said. Definitly try counselling first. Although I will second one thing: not allowed to masturbate = too controlling. Is he super religious or something? Do you agree on ethical issues surrounding sex/masturbation? He's not religious at all I've tried speaking to him about it. In his eyes this is not an issue and the solution is to brush it off and tell me I'm being stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 You would rather play with him, than play with yourself, but since he does not want to take part, then go ahead and play. Link to post Share on other sites
Treesarepretty Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 3 hours ago, Nsfm said: He's not religious at all I've tried speaking to him about it. In his eyes this is not an issue and the solution is to brush it off and tell me I'm being stupid. That is inconsiderate and idiotic on his part. At least very religious people who object to that think it brings on a fate worse than death or something like that. Link to post Share on other sites
roland.o Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 10 hours ago, Nsfm said: and tell me I'm being stupid. That's brazen. But if you don't want to turn it into an argument, you can tell him that everybody's entitled to a little bit of stupidity once in a while. Then pick up one of the toys to make it perfectly clear what you mean. Link to post Share on other sites
Valentine18 Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 I'm sorry but telling you not to use toys for your own pleasure is way out of line in my book! That is the only thing that has made it possible to stay married as long as I have to my very uninterested husband. I don't know how old your husband is, but if his level of interest has changed, a physical might find an issue that would explain it. He could have low testosterone, or I've heard about thyroid and serotonin levels also being related to the sex drive. From my understanding, most asexual people don't have interest and then lose it, although some may act interested early in a relationship when they really aren't. Would he get some tests run, or is he like my husband and won't discuss this with a physician? I hope you have better luck on that than I have! I feel like we're in a very similar situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 The bigger problem than lack of sex is his dismissing your needs, and controlling your behaviour. Sex is important to him so he thinks it shouldn't be important to you, and you're not going to get anywhere at all until he accepts your needs are valid. That starts with allowing you autonomy. Sidenote: I'm pleased to see the righteous outrage from asexuals at one person preventing another having a sex life. This is what happens to lots of sexuals in a slightly less extreme way when their partner doesn't want to have sex. Link to post Share on other sites
naturerhythms Posted September 19, 2017 Share Posted September 19, 2017 I agree with what others have said re: seeking therapy. Just make sure it's a therapist who is very comfortable dealing with sexual matters, and who has had some training in that area. If they regularly deal w/ sexual matters, they will likely have connections with one or more medical doctors to whom they refer clients for tests (as someone above suggested) if physiological causes are indeed a possibility. Not desiring or liking sex doesn't always go hand-in-hand with being asexual. If your husband has experienced sexual attraction in the past, he's probably not asexual. But if he's never felt attraction to you or anyone else, that could be asexuality. It's not uncommon for two partners to have different sex drives, or to require different circumstances to turn them on. And the dynamics of desire almost always change for a given couple over time. And many, many factors can affect desire. If you prefer books: Emily Nagoski shares some great thoughts in Come as You Are re: how stress/relaxation affect sexual interest and response differently for different people. David Schnarch talks about partners with different sex drive levels in Intimacy and Desire. Just a warning that some of Schnarch's concepts, like "The Devil's Pact" and "normal marital sadism" make some people (me included) uncomfortable at first. But they forced me to take a look at myself in a way that I found helpful. Regarding the control around the sex toys and masturbation, I agree that there are some other dynamics going on there that need to be talked about very openly and honestly. My personal opinion is that even couples who are regularly sexually active with each other should have the freedom to self-pleasure, provided they're not doing it so much it gets in the way of intimacy with their partner. In fact, it makes it easier to get to know your own body, so you can communicate what you like to your partner. I have no idea if this is the case for your partner, but I'll disclose that I once believed the myth--especially common among heterosexual men--that vibrators, dildos, and other toys would render me unnecessary in the bedroom. Seven inches of seemingly harmless, vibrating silicone can bring out a lot of insecurity, concerns about performance, and so on. Link to post Share on other sites
HonoraryJedi Posted September 19, 2017 Share Posted September 19, 2017 On 2017-08-18 at 6:04 PM, Nsfm said: We have a lot of sex toys that he used to use on me but that's stopped and I'm not allowed to use them on myself. On 2017-09-16 at 10:51 PM, Nsfm said: I've tried speaking to him about it. In his eyes this is not an issue and the solution is to brush it off and tell me I'm being stupid. This are real red flags to me. He is out of line forbidding you from using sex toys yourself. "Forbidding" another adult something like this is bad in itself imo. It is your full right to get your own sex toys and use them. Masturbation is between you and your body. And then deciding that it isn't a problem for him, so it isn't a problem. And calling you stupid for it. Wow. I know we only get a small amount of information in a post like this, but I am on the side of get away from this guy. You're not sexually compatible, he's controlling and dismissive of your feelings. Is he really worth it? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.