I Came Out To A Friend

[will123]

17 hours ago, Archedemus said:

These stories make me happy

 

I'm generally out to my friends (grateful to live in a very open country) but I imagine I will have to tell my family some day. Unfortunately still can't see my parents taking it too well.

 

If you don't mind me asking, is there any specific reason you feel the need to be out? Is it a question of self-identity/expression? I see a pretty clear divide in the community between people just wanting to be left alone vs. being openly ace.

Thinking about what I posted before. I guess coming out to someone validated my decision. In my mind once I was out to someone I could say that I had closed the door to my heterosexuality and move on.

 

6 hours ago, MCLoves said:

I came out to my best friend a couple years ago when I invited her over for a sleepover. For us, that basically meant staying up til 2-4am talking about our feelings.

And talk about feelings we did!

It was the first time I had invited her over for a sleepover like that (which was already a big symbol of trust for someone like me) and we inevitably got to that 2am tired but still awake, emotional, everything’s becoming funny phase.

We were rambling about random stuff, and I eventually tried to mention my asexuality, but then immediately regretted it and tried to play it off by saying “oh, but it’s dumb that they have a label for it, it must just be a weird internet thing.”

 

Fast forward 2 years, and we have openly and honestly discussed my asexuality like it was a totally normal thing, not some weird tumblr made up bs or something. My family would’ve acted like I’d been spending too much time online, so that’s why I was initially hesitant to fully commit to coming out to her, but my friend gets it. She was understanding.

 

I literally love her so much, she’s the best❤️

Sounds like you have a wonderful friend and that you can discuss your asexuality with her. I know in the days since I've come out to the few, if I do my mention my asexuality it's not a big deal. On the bold, I guess that's why my initial coming out was so dramatic. I had no idea how he'd react. Even if I was able to keep my composure and not start crying, I was afraid he'd make some comment about where did I read about this bull shit. I wanted to be as serious as possible in this and that it wasn't just some 'at the moment' off hand decision. I did ell him that I had identified as asexual for eleven years before I felt comfortable telling him.

 

We had known each other since we were 10 (I was 55 when I came out to him) and presented myself as straight up to that point. For me it was very upsetting to contemplate telling him that I wasn't heterosexual.

 

Spoiler

Aren't all guys supposed to want to have sex with every girl they see?

 

At times when he was still single in his 30s and 40s there were moments that I wish I could've come out to him. He was sexual and unfortunately would often regale me with his conquests. I couldn't come out to him (at the time before I rejoined AVEN), but I thought if I told him I didn't want to hear his stories, he'd think I was gay.

 

 

I'm just thankful that he was completely OK with me being asexual. Mind you it took me a year to explain to him 'my' asexuality.

[Archedemus]

4 hours ago, will123 said:

Thinking about what I posted before. I guess coming out to someone validated my decision. In my mind once I was out to someone I could say that I had closed the door to my heterosexuality and move on.

I definitely agree with this, our relationship to other people is our connection to the world after all 😁. Myself I feel generally unsure if I could do that commitment yet (I'm in my early twenties, so just out of the phase of ones life where most people form a stable identity for the first time). If I ever in the future don't feel ace, I know that I'd feel that the last 6 years of my life was somehow a lie. As an older ace, for how long have you 'felt/acted' asexual, whether you identified with it or not?

[will123]

1 hour ago, Archedemus said:

I definitely agree with this, our relationship to other people is our connection to the world after all 😁. Myself I feel generally unsure if I could do that commitment yet

 

 If I ever in the future don't feel ace, I know that I'd feel that the last 6 years of my life was somehow a lie.

 

As an older ace, for how long have you 'felt/acted' asexual, whether you identified with it or not?

I've stated elsewhere that I'm somewhat envious of asexuals that identified as such at a younger age. I feel I wouldn't have put myself in situations that I wasn't meant to be in. 

 

At what age you 'fully' accept your asexuality is up to you. With me it was as soon as I found out (after surfing AVEN a bit as well). Now I knew why I had (and hadn't) done certain things in the past. To me there was no sense in wasting anymore time being straight. At times here I've described myself before I identified as asexual like this: 'heterosexual but not doing a very good job at it/not putting much of an effort into it'. 😛 For the most part I can look back at that part of my life with no real regrets. It was my life as the cards that I was dealt with.

 

I felt that I had to go 'all in' (to use the poker term) when I came out initially to my male friend. My heart HAD to be in it because if I changed my mind somewhere down the road so to speak and told and/or others (if I told others, I was unsure how many people I would come out too) that I wasn't asexual but heterosexual, they would probably think I had lost my mind if not worse.

 

Wow you're last question is a doozy 😉 Looking back at my life since I was a teen, there are probably a lot of indications not just as an adult. I've likely posted them in the I Should've Known thread.

 

One was 'episode' was in my mid-30s and the second more obvious situation when I flat out declined the possibility of sex with a female friend when I was 38 (I can PM you the details if you'd like to know what I went thru).

 

 

 

[will123]

When I decided to come out to a few friends, one was female that I had known since I was 19. She's lived in Western Canada since '88 and we hadn't connected in person for about five years.

 

I didn't want to tell her on the phone or via text so I had been hoping she'd be back this summer or elseI'd have visit her personally LOL

 

Well about two weeks ago she texted me to say she way coming home. Fortunately we were able to spend some time alone at her family's farm. I told her I had some news for her and that I was asexual. She was unsure but after a quick explanation she was completely understanding. I more or less told her I've never been interested in sexual activity and I'm neither straight or gay and that I was still a virgin. Then I told her how I had felt beforehand and then how I found out about asexuality.

 

She asked me how long I had identified as asexual and I told her since 2005.

 

Her words: "The world is so sexualized and not everyone fits. I bet you found it quite comforting to find out why?"

 

Me: "That doesn't start to describe how I felt!"

 

Her: "Well I guess I should feel honoured that you would tell me?"

 

Me: "We've spent so much time together and I thought you may have wondered why I never tried to start anything.

 

I'm probably the only guy you've known that has never tried to get into your pants.

 

After a brief pause...

 

Her: "Your probably right!"

 

Anyways I had prefaced all of this by asking her to keep this to herself which she was fine with. However I did tell her that if the topic if asexuality and a person not being attracted to others ever came up to mention that a friend was asexual.

[will123]

I forgot to mention that when I told her that I was glad that she had come home and that I would have the opportunity to tell her personally, she said that yes something like this isn't something you do over the phone or via text.

[will123]

Last Friday I pre-emptively came out to a male friend that I’ve known since the 80s.

 

A bit of a side note first. As long as I’ve known him, he’s never dated. He tried to give me a hard time after an event telling a bunch of our mutual friends that I was talking to a girl. “She asked me a (fill in the blank) question!” was my reply. Well the rest of the gang turned the tables on him and gave him hell for making a big deal about it. He knows over the years that I’ve had female friends.

 

I did ask someone that knew him longer me if he had ever had a girlfriend. They said that he’d been ‘involved’ with a female co-worker that was married. He didn’t offer any more details. I might be jumping to conclusions but maybe something happened and he figured women were hazardous to his health.

 

Fast forward to earlier this summer and he shows me his new smartphone. I was surprised to no end. He comes across as a Luddite as he seems to be proud that he’s probably 20 years behind the rest of us. When any of us show him any kind of tech, especially music storage and play back, he’ll say, “Oh that must be awfully hard to figure out”. I’ll tell him I’m no IT wizard and kids figure it out awfully fast…

 

“You finally got a phone!” I exclaimed. Sheepishly he tells me a friend gave it to him for his birthday last fall. Turns out his ‘friend’ was the personal support worker that had looked after his father who passed away late last year.

 

Then this past Thursday when I pick him up for a trip to the US, he says there’s been some changes (I noticed different furniture in the living room) and that his friend had moved in (I’ll leave out the details). Holy Smokes! Stop The Presses! I sure didn’t see that coming. I had kind of wavered about coming out to him earlier when he told me about the girlfriend. Well I figured he might make some stupid comment about when was I going to get a girlfriend.

 

On Friday after breakfast when we were having our coffee, I told him that seeing that there had been some profound changes in his life I had a sort of update for him that I asked that he keep to himself. “OK”, was his reply. “I’m asexual”. “What’s that?” he asked. I don’t feel any sexual attraction to females or males. I’m not straight and I’m not gay. Oh, and I’m still a virgin”. “So, you and Cathy…” “No, contrary to popular belief, we’ve never had sex”. "Oh I thought you two were an item?" he asked. "We hung out a lot together before she moved away, but we weren't in a relationship". Cathy was the girl I came out to earlier this month.

 

He said he didn’t think I had to tell him this, but I said I had personal reasons. He was OK, and didn’t think it changed things about me I was still the same guy who he had known all these years.

[will123]

I forgot to update this in December. Each year just before Christmas, a high school classmate and I meet for coffee. She wasn't on my 'people I have to tell list', but on the spur of the moment I came out to her. She was fine with it but wondered why I felt like telling her. "Well I never discuss much about family when we're together. She's married and had four adult children.

 

I've known her since grade 10 and for three years we sat beside each other in homeroom and her locker was a couple away from mine, so we talked quite a bit. Even though we got along well, I never thought to ask her out.

 

One year somehow prom came up in our chat and she said she didn't go. I was dumbfounded. "You didn't go?" "Nope! Nobody asked me". 

[Puppy Whipped]

I appreciate you sharing your experiences.