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Girlfriend possibly asexual


pastelpatroclus

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pastelpatroclus

Hey! 

 

My girlfriend and I (both women) have been dating for around five months now. We are yet to have sex. We're both at university and the first month or so we really didn't have spare time but now we do. 

 

We talked about it once, briefly, where she mentioned she thought she could be on the spectrum but there's a few other things: 

 

- she's never been with a girl before 

- she has bad anxiety 

- it seems as though her last relationship with a guy was not good at all, and I think he may have guilted her into sex. 

 

I'm a very sexual person but would be able to deal with it if she is asexual, because I'd be able to adjust. I really like her and want our relationship to continue. I just don't know how to address her anxieties/possible low sex drive with out seeming accusatory or demanding. But. I also think she's amazing and beautiful and would really like to be intimate with her. 

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Talk to them, and make sure not to pressure them into doing something they don't want(you both want to be happy), and I guess listen to what they have to say, and know they're limits.

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theredbubble

Honesty is key. I'd start with a blanket statement. Something that explains you don't want to pressure her into anything, but you do want to be intimate." I'd explain why I want to and I'd let her explain why she does or doesn't want to. The key is to make sure she understands that her opinion is understood and that you love her no matter what. I've been in relationships where my partner wanted to be more intimate than I did, so I'm speaking more so from the "wanting less intimacy" side. I'm sorry if my advice doesn't help, but I hope everything works out for you! Also kudos for seeking out help, it really shows how much you love her.

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If she doesn't desire sexual activity that'd be asexual; that's its only requirement. A warning though, some sexual people initially think they can be ok with an asexual partner but end up not. Most asexual and sexual relationships also don't work out (especially with very sexual people), so I'm just saying this could happen.

 

However, anxiety can impair sexual desire, so if she gets it under control without medication then she could possibly end up being a sexual person. Anxiety medication can kill sexual desire too, so if she's taking that it could be killing things as well. There are therapy options with anxiety disorder; you just have to find one that practices it and doesn't try to fix everything with meds. Even if she doesn't end up being sexual this could be beneficial to her.

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Treesarepretty

How good is she at communicating? Will she jump to conclusions about what you are saying while you are saying it? How immediate is your need for intimate contact? Do her non-sexual anxieties cause you a lot of concern over and above your need to make her happy? 

 

I don't know what your girlfriend's non-sexual anxieties are, but I find that when people I know are worried about things the best thing I can do is to be a sounding board. I just sit there silently until they want to talk, and then I try to help them articulate what is wrong when they do want to talk. This seems to make them feel better because it seems to reassure them that they are understood and cared for. 

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I think the most important thing would be to talk to her about it. There are a number of reasons why she might not be interested in sex at the moment. Asexuality or gray-asexuality is one possibility, which would mean that she doesn't or only rarely experiences sexual attraction. Sexual attraction involves finding other people sexually desirable, having sexual thoughts and fantasies about other people, etc. A second possibility is that she experiences sexual attraction, but has low sexual desire/libido. Some people naturally have a low libido, although libido can also be affected by some of the factors you mention, such as anxiety or a bad past relationship and coming to terms with a new relationship.

I hope this information is useful, and I wish the two of you the best of luck!

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thisismelissaaa

It's hard to answer this question because every single person is different, obviously. I'm in a relationship with a "sexual" woman and have been for 12 years, married for almost four years, and we are stupidly happy. We had sex in the beginning of our relationship but I told her from the very beginning that "we probably wouldn't have sex for much longer" because I had a feeling that I was different (this was before I knew what asexuality was, back in 2005/6ish). She accepted me immediately when I said that; however, after I told her I was asexual (after I discovered that it was a thing and that I related to it in every way) she had some struggles and took it kind of personal because we had had sex previously. She thought I thought she was unattractive or that something changed in our relationship. I had to learn more about it before I could explain it to her in a way that made sense to both of us and in a way that made her not feel like she was a hideous monster all of a sudden. It took several conversations for her to understand - she also went on this website A LOT to hear about different people's experiences coming from both sides. 

 

I guess my point is... are you actually fine with not having sex with your girlfriend if that is indeed what she wants and who she is? Will you see it as "putting up with it" and "dealing with it", or will it be something you understand and embrace? Put yourself in her shoes and think about how it would feel if someone was telling you what you tell her (just to be sure the way you're coming off is accepting and loving and not demanding or finger-pointing). If you think it will be hard for you down the road then this is probably not the relationship for you. You need to be honest with her, but almost more importantly you should be honest with yourself because you don't want heartbreak for either of you down the road. I hope that helps a little bit!

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Gray-asexual aka Gray-A isn't just about rarely feeling sexual desire, it's an umbrella term for many things. In fact alot would say it's not that term at all; as just having a lower than average sex-drive is not what they mean by "rarely desiring sex" under the Gray umbrella; they mean rarely sexually desiring an individual is something that happens once in a blue moon. To avoid the debate of which side of the Gray spectrum it belongs on; Gray-asexual or Gray-sexual (though I find it the latter) Aceflexible is a term. If she just has a low sex-drive, however, that's not on the Gray spectrum and is just called a sexual person with a low sex-drive.

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