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InsideTrinity

Asexual friend

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InsideTrinity

I fell in love with a friend of mine a long time ago. After a while as friends, and a little dancing around the idea of being 'more,' my heart was slightly broken. However, he recently told me that he's realized that he's asexual, and it basically made everything make sense as far as our situation was concerned.

My problem is that I still see him being lost and confused, and it breaks my heart. I still love him more than anything, and I want him to be happy. He seems to see himself being alone for the rest of his life, even though it isn't what he wants.

I will never know what it is like to actually BE asexual. However, I know that it is possible for an asexual person to have a loving relationship, and a family, even if it is with a sexual person. But, how do I reassure someone of that? I don't want to preach at him, or shove website addresses and support-group information down his throat. Because I've had issues (and I still have issues) with my own sexuality, and I know how frustrating it is to have that done. It can make you feel like a statistic. Like there's a certian way you should think or feel because you happen to fit into a certian group, when it really isn't that simple.

I also have questions for him. Those will probably come tumbling out of my mouth in time.

I've been through something similar with homosexual friends, but I know enough to know that I don't know anything about how it feels to realize you're asexual.

Well, I guess my post is about knowing how to 'be there' in this situation.

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phage2004

It must be nice to have you as a friend.

I definitely have the fear, and expectation, of being alone for the rest of my life. I'm not sure what you can do, but continuing to be his friend would probably be important.

One of the terrible things about asexuality, is that it's something your afraid to tell people about. At some level I think of myself as kind of being a freak, and nothing makes me feel any lower when people react in that way, judging me silently, or worse yet openly calling me that.

If you can get comfortable with the asexual part of him and let him know your ok with it, it would probably be a relief. It sounds like your pretty tolerant, but spelling it out might be a good thing, if you haven't. (It sounds like you might have, I'm just pointing it out.)

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Aayla

There's no easy or definitive answer here. A lot of us tend to feel like outcasts and weirdos because that's the way we're treated.

You seem like a very open minded and understanding person. That in itself would make me feel good to have someone like you in my life. Most people can't and/or won't understand the concept of asexuality. I've gotten all kinds of reactions, from laughter to anger to utter disbelief. I think the more supportive, understanding, and open you are with him the more reassured he'd feel.

It won't be overnight though so try and bear with him. :D

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biggreenmonkey

You sound absolutely wonderful :D

Unfortunately, the only advice I can think of is showing him AVEN- and let him know that he doesn't totqally have to fit into us or assign himself a label, but there are people here who feel exactly like him. And we do have an asexual personals board... somewhere...

But mostly I think the only thing you can do is listen to him when he talks, and give him your honest opinion, and let him sort it out from there.

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sonofzeal

I'd encourage you to mention this website to him as well. Maybe not ask him to check it out if you don't want to seem pushy, but just mention that you found it and that it helped you understand asexuality a bit more.

Beyond that, I'm not asexy, but I still sometimes see myself being alone for the rest of my life, and it's not what I want either. I think a lot of people go through that kind of space. As long as he understands that there are people out there who want asexual relationships, or that getting physical is not a necessary part of a loving relationship.

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Steel

Show him you can accept his nature.

Then he'll have at least one-and that opens up more possibilities

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Nicolson

I've found myself in a situation similar to yours, only I am not in love with my asexual friend. However, I do care for him in an extreme way. I know that it is difficult seeing these people we care about so much go through the pain of feeling alone, or fearing being alone, and fearing the same things for them. It's also very difficult to realize that, in that regard, there is very little we can do to help them. I can't change his asexuality, I can't find him someone to share his life with, but I can be his friend. And, more importantly, I want to be his friend. Maybe that is all we can do, but we have to do what we can. I don't think that your issue has anything to do with accepting him; by posting what you did, by caring like you do, I think you already do accept him.

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January

Seeing him as lost and feeling sorry for him can not make him feel better about his lifestyle. Stop trying to make him a couple and really see him as a friend. Support his aloneness. He needs to learn and grow at his own speed.

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Amcan

Pretty much ditto what everyone else. It's great you want to try to understand buyut I am sure you are a huge help by just being his friend. I would also suggest you show him AVEN, to show he's not alone.

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thylacine

January is right. Seeing this person as "lost" is not helping, or respecting, your friend. You must realize that not everyone is the same.

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zyralm

edit

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