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How do you meet partners?


Wolf27

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2 minutes ago, Serran said:

Haha no secret. I just talk to people while playing games, or in mutual friend groups, or cause we're both regulars at some website (my fiancee is from AVEN, for example). :)

 

Personally, I tried the online dating thing through OKCupid and .... I dated one guy for three dates and it was kind of fun, but meh. Not my thing. I prefer going friends with no pressure to be romantic, to romantic relationship not just casual dating til you like each other enough to be a thing. 

It sounds so easy when you say it. How does the topic of asexuality come up during games or talks?

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Just now, lux aeterna said:

It sounds so easy when you say it. How does the topic of asexuality come up during games or talks?

Uhm. Well... I've only dated two people since finding AVEN. One, is from AVEN (my fiancee) and one was from OKCupid. The one from AVEN obviously already knows about it, but we still discussed what we each wanted physically and emotionally after we had the "So, I like you, is it mutual?" convo. It was basically "Well, yeah, it's mutual. But, what will our relationship look like if we agree to do this?" - insert all the details and see if we can match up on what we want. This is after talking for months as friends and being pretty close to begin with.

 

The one from OKCupid, he messaged me and we talked about mutual interests. He played MMOs, I played MMOs, though not the same one, but it was a similar interest. After a few days of talking, we exchanged IM info (google hangouts) so we could talk in an easier chat system. After that, we just kept talking about regular stuff, like games, interests, hobbies. Then, we agreed to meet up and go out. I had asexuality mentioned on my profile, so he already knew. But, after the 2nd date, when we exchanged the "I had fun" text messages, I explained things in detail - I don't want sex, I find it boring, blah blah and said if that's OK, I'll agree to a third date. And he said it was fine and he already knew what asexuality was. We had actually discussed it a little on the dates, as we discussed sex on the 2nd date (as in, I don't get why it's taboo, yeah I've tried this and that, not being into sex it's just meh) during our conversations, so it wasn't that big a deal. So, we went on a 3rd date, but it was really... not my thing. I liked him, he was fun, I could hang out with him but I need longer than a month or so to feel romantically towards a person and he was already into me so I felt like I was leading him on and let him know I didn't want to do that, so broke it off. 

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2 minutes ago, Serran said:

Uhm. Well... I've only dated two people since finding AVEN. One, is from AVEN (my fiancee) and one was from OKCupid. The one from AVEN obviously already knows about it, but we still discussed what we each wanted physically and emotionally after we had the "So, I like you, is it mutual?" convo. It was basically "Well, yeah, it's mutual. But, what will our relationship look like if we agree to do this?" - insert all the details and see if we can match up on what we want. This is after talking for months as friends and being pretty close to begin with.

 

The one from OKCupid, he messaged me and we talked about mutual interests. He played MMOs, I played MMOs, though not the same one, but it was a similar interest. After a few days of talking, we exchanged IM info (google hangouts) so we could talk in an easier chat system. After that, we just kept talking about regular stuff, like games, interests, hobbies. Then, we agreed to meet up and go out. I had asexuality mentioned on my profile, so he already knew. But, after the 2nd date, when we exchanged the "I had fun" text messages, I explained things in detail - I don't want sex, I find it boring, blah blah and said if that's OK, I'll agree to a third date. And he said it was fine and he already knew what asexuality was. We had actually discussed it a little on the dates, as we discussed sex on the 2nd date (as in, I don't get why it's taboo, yeah I've tried this and that, not being into sex it's just meh) during our conversations, so it wasn't that big a deal. So, we went on a 3rd date, but it was really... not my thing. I liked him, he was fun, I could hang out with him but I need longer than a month or so to feel romantically towards a person and he was already into me so I felt like I was leading him on and let him know I didn't want to do that, so broke it off. 

Ok, so 2 instead of 5 partners? Because you mention 5 relationships at first. Two sounds believable :D

And congratulations on your engagement! :)

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Just now, lux aeterna said:

Ok, so 2 instead of 5 partners? Because you mention 5 relationships at first. Two sounds believable :D

Five total. Two since finding AVEN. 

 

The first three, I didn't mention asexuality at all, cause I didn't even know the term. 

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Just now, Serran said:

Five total. Two since finding AVEN. 

 

The first three, I didn't mention asexuality at all, cause I didn't even know the term. 

Oh okay, mystery solved. :D If I may ask, did you engage with them sexually?

Unfortunately I felt the need to be sexual in order to keep my partner (did not work, cheated on me, no idea if he eveeeer found out. I was pretty good at faking. I have weird talents).

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6 minutes ago, lux aeterna said:

Oh okay, mystery solved. :D If I may ask, did you engage with them sexually?

Unfortunately I felt the need to be sexual in order to keep my partner (did not work, cheated on me, no idea if he eveeeer found out. I was pretty good at faking. I have weird talents).

Actually, let me clarify this. Five total relationships. Two people I've dated since finding AVEN, I don't really count OKCupid guy as a relationship, since we didn't get serious.

 

First one I dated from meeting in a game chat room - we dated under the assumption I was heterosexual. Lasted about 2 years. Six months RL, rest online, as we were LDR.

Second one I dated from meeting in a IRC chat room - we dated under the assumption I was heterosexual.  3 months IRL, about 3 online.

Third one I dated from the same IRC chat room - we dated under the assumption I was heterosexual.  1 1/2 years IRL, or there about.

Fourth one I met in a game chat room / game - we dated under the assumption I was heterosexual, for five years. I found AVEN during this one. Five years (in addition to the first five, so 10 years total for being together) of trying to figure out how to shift this one didn't work out. He wanted sex  a lot (like daily) and I hate sex. 

Fifth one I met on AVEN - We've been friends for a while, dating since November, met up IRL twice. 

 

Somewhere between fourth and fifth I dated OKCupid guy for 3 dates. 

 

There. *pants* That's all my relationships :lol:

 

As for if I was sexual with the partners, yes. I assumed I needed to keep trying til I liked it, cause people kept telling me that's how it works. I never liked it. <_< OKCupid guy I did not and he never asked. And my current partner, we do what we both want. Which, neither of us wants sex, cause we agree it's ew. 

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2 minutes ago, Serran said:

Actually, let me clarify this. Five total relationships. Two people I've dated since finding AVEN, I don't really count OKCupid guy as a relationship, since we didn't get serious.

 

First one I dated from meeting in a game chat room - we dated under the assumption I was heterosexual. Lasted about 2 years. Six months RL, rest online, as we were LDR.

Second one I dated from meeting in a IRC chat room - we dated under the assumption I was heterosexual.  3 months IRL, about 3 online.

Third one I dated from the same IRC chat room - we dated under the assumption I was heterosexual.  1 1/2 years IRL, or there about.

Fourth one I met in a game chat room / game - we dated under the assumption I was heterosexual, for five years. I found AVEN during this one. Five years of trying to figure out how to shift this one didn't work out. He wanted sex  a lot (like daily) and I hate sex. 

Fifth one I met on AVEN - We've been friends for a while, dating since November. 

 

Somewhere between fourth and fifth I dated OKCupid guy for 3 dates. 

 

There. *pants* That's all my relationships :lol:

 

As for if I was sexual with the partners, yes. I assumed I needed to keep trying til I liked it, cause people kept telling me that's how it works. I never liked it. <_< OKCupid guy I did not and he never asked. And my current partner, we do what we both want. Which, neither of us wants sex, cause we agree it's ew. 

Thank you for clarifying! So, there is still hope :D

I think if I didn't study social work & psychology, I would suffer now from my decision to engage in sex even though I did not want it. I always knew I am asexual, but I also did not want to be alone, soooo it happened and I tried talking about it once, big mistaaaake. I could actually write a big sad manual about how to act like you enjoy sex, but I don't want to depress anyone. I am just glad I finally admitted to myself that it is fine to only enjoy my own company until I will find someone.

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Nea Rose Symphony

Good question. I'm still figuring that out

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I often ask folks to try their hands at online dating, find interest in local groups or organizations where they would be an easier chance at finding someone, you can always reach out to friends and/or family members, volunteer or join in with any LGBTQIA groups to find connections, there are always online posts for seekers- such as Craigslist.... but you know... serial killers....

 

I'm a provider in my area and an advocate so my pool is even more limited as they either are, have been, or are associated with former clients or students :-(

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SorryNotSorry
On August 11, 2017 at 0:15 PM, Wolf27 said:

I am 27 and finally happy with who I am and my sexuality. However I really struggle to date. To be honest it's because I don't know where to look. I've tried online dating and my friends suggested clubs but I can never guys who have similar expectations of relationships as me. I was just wondering how you lucky people who have found a partner found them. Any suggestions will be helpful.

Meetup groups.

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MightyProphet

I tried tinder for a bit but it was horrible and I've now deleted it. Found it impossible to write a profile and when I did I'm pretty sure it was nothing like 99% of the other profiles, thus I got very few matches. I did meet one girl who I'd known at uni, and we talked for a while, but as you might imagine, I can't flirt and it just kind of petered out once she figured I probably wasn't going to make any sort of move. I'd also love to find a better way for asexual people, or people who aren't into 'hooking up'  to meet.

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25 minutes ago, MightyProphet said:

I'd also love to find a better way for asexual people, or people who aren't into 'hooking up'  to meet.

Yes.

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On 11/08/2017 at 8:23 PM, Serran said:

I generally find people by making friends from mutual interests and things developing from there. Five relationships have formed that way. 

Thank you. That's great advice 😊

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On 11/08/2017 at 8:45 PM, Pramana said:

I'm going to join the chorus of people saying "no idea". It is hard to find other asexuals in real life; your best chances are probably online with asexual-specific sites (easier if you're open to a long-distance relationship). I would think that nightclubs must be terrible for asexual dating, as those establishments market to people looking for sexual encounters.

If you're hoping to find friendships, I think you would have an easier time, especially if you have a hobby that provides an opportunity to connect with people who have similar interests.

You're right nightclubs are the worst. Although I haven't had much luck with online dating either. But that's great advice about friendships. Thank you 😊 

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On 11/08/2017 at 9:05 PM, Iam-me said:

I want to be welcomed too!! lol 

 

I seriously have no idea!! I was using Okcupid as I thought as there is more people, maybe, I was going to be lucky and then I realized I wasted so much time there, replying and deleting question and having fun all by my own there, alone, trying stuff about my profile, testing the statistics about the trails and such lol. It was a bit fun at least. :unsure:  I had an account also in asexualitic or whatever is spelled, I don't by now, and there is Ace-book too, which I guess you have used already, as you mentioned dating sites. Apart from that... I have nothing, nothing, nothing lol. 

 

Anyway, good luck. :) 

Haha thank you 😊 Good luck to you too!

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Common interests.

I’m into tabletop RPGs, and both my partners (my ex and my current one) plus all my flings came from that field. Even though my partner and I met at work, it was our gaming that gave us the initial set of topics for practically endless conversations.)

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9 minutes ago, Lara Black said:

Common interests.

I’m into tabletop RPGs, and both my partners (my ex and my current one) plus all my flings came from that field. Even though my partner and I met at work, it was our gaming that gave us the initial set of topics for practically endless conversations.)

If I may ask, how did you find out about this page if you idenitfy as heterosexual? Just curious, nothing else. x

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9 hours ago, lux aeterna said:

If I may ask, how did you find out about this page if you idenitfy as heterosexual? Just curious, nothing else. x

My partner is asexual. We've been together for over a year, which is about as long as I've been here.

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53 minutes ago, Lara Black said:

My partner is asexual. We've been together for over a year, which is about as long as I've been here.

Thank you for answering :)

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MightyProphet

I bloody hate clubs, they seem to tick off every one of my social anxiety boxes (repetitive noise, crowds, people touching you, drinking), and that's before you take into account everyone lusting after each other. I'm glad I'm now in my mid-20s and have the 'I'm too old for this shit' excuse rather than the infinitely more complex 'asexual/social anxiety' one!

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I'm unlucky but the partners I had I met them out of having common interests. The first 2 were from liking anime, my 3rd and 4th were due to liking a liking the same band and a taking the same language classes.

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I got really, really lucky when I met my wife. We met on OKCupid and it just kind of worked out. This was also long before I had any inclination that I was asexual, so that didn't really factor into it until we'd really settled down into a solid, long-term relationship. We were talking about this the other day, actually, and given who we both were back then neither of us think that we would've gotten together if I'd been openly asexual then.

 

So yeah, maybe that's not terribly helpful. But we're an internet dating success story. I think it's just all about finding the right group of people to socialize in regardless of the medium. Clubs, groups, and those sorts of things I think are the absolute best way to find someone. Then again, this is coming from someone who's never seen much difference between dating and doing something with a friend.

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I read a lot about common interests regarding online games and anime. None of them interest me. So I guess I will just become a crazy cat lady. :D

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Karacoreable

@lux aeterna Nothing wrong with cats! :lol:

 

They do bite. All the time.

 

I don't know how I'd go about meeting a partner even if I did decide to try! So it's lucky that at the minute I'm happily drifting along, not feeling the need to look. ^_^

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On 14/08/2017 at 0:27 PM, MightyProphet said:

I bloody hate clubs, they seem to tick off every one of my social anxiety boxes (repetitive noise, crowds, people touching you, drinking), and that's before you take into account everyone lusting after each other. I'm glad I'm now in my mid-20s and have the 'I'm too old for this shit' excuse rather than the infinitely more complex 'asexual/social anxiety' one!

I use the same excuse 😂

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On 13/08/2017 at 8:43 PM, Wolf27 said:

You're right nightclubs are the worst

I think I'd rather stick hot pins in my eyes than go 'clubbing' so I'm totally with you on that.  The number of times I've had to explain "why don't you want to come clubbing with us Andy" to people... "It's fun".  Yeh.  Right.  Luckily I'm a curmudgeonly old git these days so I have a ready made excuse...

 

Too loud.  Too many people.  Can't have a conversation with anyone.  Why would anyone do that to themselves?!

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23 hours ago, AndyJ said:

Too loud.  Too many people.  Can't have a conversation with anyone.  Why would anyone do that to themselves?!

The hypnotic rhythm of the music can help you into a kind of trance if you get on the dancefloor and don't care about the other people in the club. It's easier when you're the first on the floor, if you've got the nerve and really don't care about the other people. Yeah, those were the days... back in the nineties :ph34r: But I didn't go there to meet partners, obviously.

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On 17/08/2017 at 9:39 PM, AndyJ said:

I think I'd rather stick hot pins in my eyes than go 'clubbing' so I'm totally with you on that.  The number of times I've had to explain "why don't you want to come clubbing with us Andy" to people... "It's fun".  Yeh.  Right.  Luckily I'm a curmudgeonly old git these days so I have a ready made excuse...

 

Too loud.  Too many people.  Can't have a conversation with anyone.  Why would anyone do that to themselves?!

Exactly! I hate not being able to have a conversation with people in a club. Half the time I have no idea what they are saying and just end up nodding politely. 

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