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Ziffler

Sex: To try it or not to try it?

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Ziffler

My first time posting a topic on AVEN. I waited until this forum was created because I'm interested in how others my age felt about "trying out sex" in our early years. The motivation for this thread comes from reading posts of the younger generation on the welcome thread. It seems that many of the younger asexuals contemplate and some partake in sexual activities for the purpose of "trying it out" to see if the shoe fits?

I never had that desire or thought. I knew when I was 12 years old, before puberty took affect on me, that I was never going to have sex and had no desire to try it out to see if I would like it. I knew I didn't like it without ever trying it.

That in and of itself, made me feel the freak. All my boyhood friends talked about this girl and that girl and what they wanted to do with them sexually. That was their daydreams and I'm sure their wet dreams. It was never mine.

Now that I know there were other asexuals at the same time I went through this stage of my life, I am curious to know if others felt the same way as youngins or did you think about trying sex to see if it would fit?

Ziff

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mouth brooder

My first serious boyfriend was my best friend, I thought. This is when I was just seventeen. I was very romantically attracted to him, but when he started pressuring me for sex, I really freaked. I am just not ready, I kept telling him. He threatened to break up with me claiming it wasn't natural that I keep rejecting him, so for fear of losing what I thought was the best friend I ever had, I gave in.

It backfired on him. I broke up with him because I figured if I didn't feel magic from sex with him that he wasn't right for me.

Ziffler, how did you deal with your being different? Did you ever tell anyone back then? Did you pay lip service? It must have been so confusing.

Once I was no longer a virgin, I felt less a freak, but I was ashamed to admit how boring and annoying I kept finding sex. The tragedy of it all was I kept looking for the right guy, not realizing that it wasn't going to happen because I was asexual.

I bet lots of asexuals go through this. But I am encouraged that the kiddoes on AVEN have more reason to suspect society and not themselves.

I have lots of feelings for asexual and homosexual men because of homophobia. I feel the pain of the taboo against homosexuality, for both orientations.

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Ziffler
diogena....

Ziffler, how did you deal with your being different? Did you ever tell anyone back then? Did you pay lip service? It must have been so confusing.

I led a double life. Around my family I simply told them I wasn't going to get married and they all said, "Sure! Just wait till the right girl comes along and you will fall and fall hard." So family wasn't a problem. They just thought I was young and didn't know what I was talking about.

But friends and classmates. That was a stickier situation. Boys back then talked about girls all the time. It was THE conversation in the boys lockerroom. No boy admitted being a virgin and no boy wanted to be labeled homo. Both would get you teased beyond endurance. So what I did to survive was to hang back away from the guys when the converstation went to either topic. If I was cornered I hedged the questions. Never admiting nor denying. But mostly I stayed invisible. Like I said, I was very imature physically than the other boys in my class, but more mature otherwise. So, being the teen that looked like a little kid kept me from hanging out with most kids my own age, which kept the conversation of being non-sexual to a minimum.

When I finally did go thru puberty in high school, I kept to myself and away from the guys that liked to talk sex. Most of my friends were girls. The unpopular girls. The nice thing with that situation was that unpopular girls didn't talk sex so I was comfortable around them.

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QuixoticGal

Well, I knew I was different at puberty, when I told my family I would never marry and never have children. I never really had much desire to date in high school or college. The few times I did was to "appear" normal; but I rarely got past the first date. I've always been kind of a loner so that was my way of handling it.

I've never wanted to have sex anf have never tried it. Maybe I would have been open to "making love" if the right person had come along but I needed a strong connection before I would even consider it... And we grew up in the world of "free love" so that never happened.

I was a outcast, even with my best female friends. Everyone in our group had a special "best" friend but me. I was kind of the group extra. The friend that was always available on the weekend to do something with the others who didn't have a date. But becasue I didn't date and never "played" or understood the games that young girls played while dating I never really fit into many of the conversations; Hense I was always a secondary player even with my female friends.

In my thirties (after I realized I was asexual) I lived in Santa Monica on the beach and read on the beach most of the summer weekends. I got a lot of interest and spent many an afternoon with an interested man. When the sun got low, I usually got a request from my phone number. At that time I gave my speech "I'm more than happy to give you my number but you need to know that I'm only interested in a friendship right now. Eventually, I may become interested in a sexual relationship, or maybe never. If we do ever get there it will be after a friendship develops. If this is acceptable to you then please call and I guarantee you I will accept your invitiation." I never once got a call back.

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SomeoneElse
No boy admitted being a virgin and no boy wanted to be labeled homo.

I never had this problem. Everyone knew what I was.

I was a vocal personality in school. Many would say that I invented asexuality.

Everyone still knows me as the Asexual, Omnist, Technocrat: (about as cold as you can get).

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Aeriel
Once I was no longer a virgin, I felt less a freak, but I was ashamed to admit how boring and annoying I kept finding sex. The tragedy of it all was I kept looking for the right guy, not realizing that it wasn't going to happen because I was asexual.

I bet lots of asexuals go through this.

Yes, this sounds very familiar. I did this too, for a while. I came of age during the sexual revolution and everyone was reveling in their sexuality. They seemed to enjoy it - what was wrong with me, that I couldn't? I never got anywhere with sex, but I kept on trying because I thought chemistry might eventually develop.... but it never did. Eventually I accepted that sex wasn't for me, and avoided it.

I am the sort of person who is willing to try anything once. Sex was universally thought to be a fun way to spend your time, and I tried for a long time to get it right. (I'll bet I was really lousy at it, since the real feelings were missing and the best I could manage was a stage performance.)

I'm really glad to be on the far side of this part of life, to be old enough not to need to explain.

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mouth brooder

We grew up in interesting times, didn't we?

My heart goes out to the asexuals who ended up contracting an STD in their hopeless quest.

Funny what made me finally give up--I felt like all I had to show for my time was some skills at being a prostitute. I have a special place in my heart for prostitutes because of this--I know many who consider themselves therapists. "Love" works in mysterious ways, or as Omnipriest would say, "Value."

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mouth brooder
Quixoticgal...

At that time I gave my speech "I'm more than happy to give you my number but you need to know that I'm only interested in a friendship right now. Eventually, I may become interested in a sexual relationship, or maybe never. If we do ever get there it will be after a friendship develops. If this is acceptable to you then please call and I guarantee you I will accept your invitiation." I never once got a call back.

The words of a true warrior princess.

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Ziffler
QuixoticGal....

At that time I gave my speech: I'm only interested in a friendship.

Did that speech work for anyone? I know it never worked for me. The more I said friendship the harder they tried to hook me. I would have to totally stop associating with them completely, because it was the only way that worked for me.

This could actually be another thread.

Who gave The Speech and did it work? :D :D :D

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mackat5

I actually thought for many years that I was straight, because I was attracted to the men around me, but only certain types. It took me about 50 years or more to realize that all I wanted to do was look! :lol: I did want to have children, but that never happened because I never had any sex. I always blamed that on things that happened when I was a child. I do tend to be leery even now about men that I don't know, even when I know that they are "safe".

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Tanwen

I waited till I was 28, my husband didn't believe I was a virgin. Sex was something expected, have never really enjoyed it, as far as I'm concerned it's an overrated pastime, a cruel joke played on humanity by mother nature. However, I have two sons (not perfect) whom I love and a graddaughter.

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Elizabeth I
The more I said friendship the harder they tried to hook me.

What do you mean by "hook me" zif? Is it marriage specifically that you wanted to avoid?

I have considered marriage, but always CAREFULLY, and always keeping in mind the fact that it is not only an emotional connection, it's a legal contract.

There was a time I was actually looking for a nice gay man to marry.

Other than my non-existant sex drive, I'm pretty male-brained, and I would love to have an arrangement where I pay the bills and he does the housework and takes care of me. Then he would inherit the house and all my property for his trouble.

I do have a son ...but he doesn't seem to want the responsibility of taking care of a house. (or me), so it would be a good opportunity for someone.

But I don't want a husband ....I want a male-wife!

Lizzie

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Ziffler

THE SPEECH! :D :D :D :D :D

Elizabeth I.....

What do you mean by "hook me" zif? Is it marriage specifically that you wanted to avoid?

:D :D :D Oh! Ya! :D :D :D

Marriage means different things to different people. I am a conservative christian, one could say ULTRA conservative. I believe marriage is a vow taken before God that lasts your entire life. So first thing that has always scared me about marriage is that there is NO out clause, except the death of one of the partners. Divorce is NOT an option.

Second, In marriage one partner can NOT deny the other partner anything. No headache, asexuality, nor anything is allowed to deny the partner sex when they want it. That works both ways, but I wouldn't be the one wanting sex. :D :D :D I don't like kissing or tongues intermingling or anything like that. But if I was married, I would have to submit if my partner wanted to do those things.

Third. Marriage is two people become one person, with all things in common. That don't work for me. What's mine is mine. I make my own decisions, I don't want to have to abide by someone elses decision or compromise what I want or believe to be right for what someone else believes or wants to be right.

I just wasn't made to be paired with anyone. Even if it wasn't marriage, it still wouldn't work. I hate to compromise. I have done it all my life, but it eats at me to do it. To do it on a daily basis with anyone would be unbearable for me. I actually like being alone. I can be in the house by myself and enjoy the peace and quiet. I can go to the woods and hike around by myself and enjoy nature. I can go fishing, by myself and sit and not catch a thing and be happy. I can go to the nudist resort and shuck my clothes and walk around naked by myself and enjoy the freedom without anyone telling me that is perverted.

I knew all this when I was 12. I actually knew it before age 12, but I put it all together and it became my lifestyle at age 12. I decided I didn't want to share my life on a permenant basis with anyone. I wanted to be a hermit.

Now, before anyone gets the wrong impression of me and how I relate to people. I have always held service type jobs, and have always gotten along great with people. I have always done volunteer social work. I enjoy helping people. I enjoy sharing my faith in God with people that want to know about it. BUT, I take people in small doses. If I am around people for long periods of time, I get frustrated and anxious.

If I married or had a live in relationship, even without sex, it wouldn't work, because I would get so frustrated having to perform all the time, and not be myself, that I would go crazy.

Which brings us back to the "Hook Me" phrase. Everytime I change jobs, or meet new groups of people, I HAVE to announce that I'm not interested in any relationships, or they start forming behind my back and then sprung on me. I don't know why, but I am charismatic to some degree. Not as much as others in my family, but to some degree. People gravitate towards me, and I have to fight them off with a stick. :D :D :D

That's what also interested me in "The Speach" post. It's nice knowing that others have to give "The Speech" also :D :D :D

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Elizabeth I
Most of my friends were girls. The unpopular girls. The nice thing with that situation was that unpopular girls didn't talk sex so I was comfortable around them.

Hmmmmm....Did we go to high school together?

Marriage means different things to different people. I am a conservative christian, one could say ULTRA conservative. I believe marriage is a vow taken before God that lasts your entire life. So first thing that has always scared me about marriage is that there is NO out clause, except the death of one of the partners. Divorce is NOT an option.

Believe me, I fully undersunderstand that sort of commitment being frightening. I'm not religious, but I understand that for folks who are....their religious beliefs are LAW, and for a MAN to live a celibate, single life isn't contrary to any Christian law that I know of.

What's mine is mine. I make my own decisions, I don't want to have to abide by someone elses decision or compromise what I want or believe to be right for what someone else believes or wants to be right.

It may be difficult to comprehand, but I have to say that I feel the same way! But in my case, I happened to suffer the misfortune of being born female, and so far I don't know about any religion or culture that doesn't scorn women who choose that type of lifestyle.

I just wasn't made to be paired with anyone
.

Gotta tell ya Zif, there are LOTS of fundamentalists who are gonna disagree with you on that point. I know they sure do with me! In fact the fundamentalist notion that it's the ONLY thing I was made for is probably what caused me to seperate myself from Christianity in adolescence.

I actually like being alone

Me too ....just not ALL the time :)

I can go to the nudist resort and shuck my clothes and walk around naked by myself and enjoy the freedom without anyone telling me that is perverted.

Doesn't sound perverted to me , in fact it sounds like a fantasy reserved for the idle rich! The only problem for me would be the OTHER NAKED PEOPLE!

I have a very private back yard. (5 foot cyclone fence) with mature arborvitae planted against it. In summer I put up my little 18 inch snapset pool which is just big enough to float ONE inflatable raft. I don't have air conditioning....so it sure is nice to be able to go out there and float.

Naked would be GREAT.... but the lady next door would have me arrested. As it is I wear a bikini and she is convinced it's because I'm trying to lure her husband away from his lawn mowing chores! Aparrently they are BOTH going to a great deal of trouble to get a look at me. LOL

I wanted to be a hermit.

Well...I AM a hermit but I'm not so sure it's really what I want/wanted. I like my privacy, that's certain. I do find that since I have retired I miss chatting with a live human now and again.

Now, before anyone gets the wrong impression of me and how I relate to people. I have always held service type jobs, and have always gotten along great with people. I have always done volunteer social work.

I think volunteer social work would be a good social investment for me. I used to enjoy tending bar when I was young because I didn't drink and being the bartender gave me a legitimate reason to be there and an opportunity to talk to everyone. It was also nice to have the bar in between me and the customers as well.

At 53 though, I haven't had any luck finding a bar owner who wants a female senior citizen tending bar...even just for tips. They do count on sex appeal to sell drinks, and I doubt that I could even sell a drink through the fence to the nosey guy next door whilst wearing in my bikini! hahahaha

If I could find some sort of volunteer work that wasn't so gender-oriented. They take one look at me and think "older woman= childcare cleanup detail" and it's just soooooo wrong. I am terrible at both.

If I married or had a live in relationship, even without sex, it wouldn't work, because I would get so frustrated having to perform all the time, and not be myself, that I would go crazy.

Ditto ....In fact I DID have a live in relationship and it DID drive me crazy! My son's father was a down and out musician who aparrently thought I was an incredible windfall. When I decided to consent to sex it was for the purpose of concieving a baby....and we discussed it. He knew my position(literally and figuratively) and he KNEW I had no intention of keeping him.

But letting him stay with me on a temporary basis was A very BIG MISTAKE. I live in Pennsylvania, which is a commonwealth, and they recognise common law marriage by "declaration of intent". I was a nice looking young woman who owned my own home... and his "intent" was to marry me (and my house).

It was a nightmare! His mother hired a lawyer to sue me, and I had to hire one to defend myself...but I ended up paying this guy 50% of the aquired equity on my house to make him go away!

Which brings us back to the "Hook Me" phrase

hahaha....I guess I got "hooked"... even though I wasn't married!

I HAVE to announce that I'm not interested in any relationships, or they start forming behind my back and then sprung on me. I don't know why, but I am charismatic to some degree. Not as much as others in my family, but to some degree. People gravitate towards me, and I have to fight them off with a stick.

It's nice that you have a good atitude about it. I think folks assume that a single man is helpless and requires a woman to "take care of them". It's a culturally self-fulfiling social stigma.

I hope you don't think I'm picking on you. I think it's intresting that we have so many opinions in common ...but are soooooo different!

I am curious about your having a sex drive and not wanting sex. My logic says that's a contridiction in terms.

For the record..."the Speech" was never very effective for me either...especially against the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania!

Lizzie

A.K.A Elizabeth I -"My Father's Daughter"

*****************

"I need a lover who won't drive me crazy...

Someone to thrill me

and then GO AWAY!!!! ... John (Cougar) Melencamp

:wink:

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Elizabeth I
I have two sons (not perfect) whom I love and a graddaughter
.

What about the grand daughter? I guessing she IS perfect (or pretty close) :wink:

Lizzie

who wouldn't wish her gender on anyone...but would really LIKE a granddaughter someday-go figure

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Ziffler
But in my case, I happened to suffer the misfortune of being born female, and so far I don't know about any religion or culture that doesn't scorn women who choose that type of lifestyle.

Mine don't. There isn't anything wrong with a women remaining single. Nothing wrong with a woman owning her own business. My supervisors at work are all women. It's not even a problem for women to preach. In my faith it's not acceptable for a woman to Pastor but it is ok to preach. The reason is the Bible says that a Pastor has to be the Husband of One wife. Difficult for a woman to be a husband. But other than that one limitation, I see women as being able to hold all types of religious positions. Moses's sister Miriam was a Prophetess. One of my favorite TV preachers is Joyce Meyers. Maybe you been in Quaker, Amish, and Shaker country too long.

Gotta tell ya Zif, there are LOTS of fundamentalists who are gonna disagree with you on that point.

Actually, I have never had any person of any faith dispute me remaining single. Why? Because in the new testament it says it is better to remain single and serve God than to marry, but if you can't control your urges then marry for its better to marry than to sin with unmarried sex. But the Word is clear that serving God is better if you can remain single. Reason, because you don't have family committments so you are able to go anywhere and do anything that God has for you to do.

In fact the fundamentalist notion that it's the ONLY thing I was made for is probably what caused me to seperate myself from Christianity in adolescence.

You really are hanging out with the wrong fundamentalists. I can tell you from experience, stay clear of the Bob Jones'ers. They are way out on the deep end with their convictions. But understand, they are PERSONAL convictions, not BIBLICAL doctrines. Always go to the WORD for what is and isn't right, not what people tell you. Even me, I can be wrong with what I say, but the WORD is never wrong.

The only problem for me would be the OTHER NAKED PEOPLE!

:D :D :D :D :D

See I don't see that as a problem. I'm asexual, other naked people don't affect me. That's another reason I know beyond any doubt that I'm asexual. I have seen naked people of all ages, genders, sexual orientations, shapes and sizes and none of them turn me on in the least. :D :D :D

And since none of them excite me at all, then it don't bother me one bit to be naked in front of them. It's actually very freedom releasing. I have never felt so free of everything than when I am naked with other people outside walking around without anyone telling me not to do it.

I do find that since I have retired I miss chatting with a live human now and again.

Very easy to remedy. There are all sorts of volunteer organizatrions that need people to do things. Senior Citizens center, meals on wheels, mentoring programs, hospice, tutoring, greeter at walmart. :D :D :D

I was a nice looking young woman who owned my own home... and his "intent" was to marry me (and my house).

Yep. The HOOK!!!!!! I have run from that very thing all my life. Some have gotten close but none have reaped the reward. :D :D :D

It's nice that you have a good atitude about it. I think folks assume that a single man is helpless and requires a woman to "take care of them". It's a culturally self-fulfiling social stigma.

I have always been self reliant and self proficient. I have washed my own clothes and cooked my own food since I was 13. My mom taught me well. She was always a very self reliant person herself and taught all us kids to be also.

So, don't give up. Be your own person. Don't let society or culture differ you from the path you want to walk. Life is short and you only come this way once, unless you believe in reincarnation. lol. So do it your way. :D

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Erita
In the new testament it says it is better to remain single and serve God than to marry, but if you can't control your urges then marry for its better to marry than to sin with unmarried sex.

Very true, but as Elizabeth I said, many fundamentalist churches have managed to overlook this passage and now push marriage and children on everyone.

Always go to the WORD for what is and isn't right, not what people tell you. Even me, I can be wrong with what I say, but the WORD is never wrong.

I have to disagree with this one. I'm a Christian too - not your kind, but a Christian nonetheless. While I definitely believe in going to the Bible to see what it says for yourself, I see it (specifically the New Testament) as a tapestry with a gold thread running through it. In some places there's a lot of gold, in others a moderate amount, and in still others none at all.

Please don't think I'm attacking you personally, Ziffler, but I also take your other post about Christian marriage being for life with a large grain of salt. We once had a very popular, well-liked student minister who was quite fundamentalist in his views. However, he was divorced and remarried (the ministry was his second career), and he told us in a sermon how it happened. After his divorce, he was convinced that the Bible said he could never remarry, but after several lonely years, he suddenly had a revelation from God saying that it was quite all right. I forget God's reasons for giving him the go-ahead, but that minister is not the first fundamentalist I've met who discovered, when push came to shove, that it was all right to divorce and remarry. My attitude is "When you've spent several unhappy years with someone you KNOW it was a mistake to marry, come back and tell me then how you can't possibly get a divorce." BTW, our minister was obviously happy with his second wife, and had two children with her. I should make it clear that *I'm* not the one who thought divorce is always a no-no, but at one time he obviously did.

Another thing I've noticed about divorced fundamentalists is how their ex-spouses always seem to be psychopathic monsters, not ordinary imperfect human beings who just weren't the right one for them. If a fundamentalist is finally driven to divorce, it must be all the other person's fault, right?

Again, please don't think I'm attacking you personally. You sound like a truly nice (and interesting) person, and obviously know how to write thought-provoking posts. :wink: I was very touched by your post about the boy who rang your doorbell and asked if you would be his friend. I believe that Nature intended children to have grandparents as well as parents in their lives, and so many children today are very much deprived in this area. More power to that boy for knowing what he needed and having the courage to ask for it, and God bless you for being willing to take him up on it, in an era where so many people are chronically suspicious of any adult-child friendship where the two participants are unrelated (especially when the adult is a man!).

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DannyKitty

I am currently 19 (will be 20 tomorrow), but I wanted to comment on your post.

I feel like a freak because I don't want sex. People were telling me what I should do with my gf sexually, but all I really want to do with her is cuddle and talk.

When I finally did go thru puberty in high school, I kept to myself and away from the guys that liked to talk sex. Most of my friends were girls. The unpopular girls. The nice thing with that situation was that unpopular girls didn't talk sex so I was comfortable around them.
Yup, same here--most of my friends around my age are unpopular girls, esp. goths. They don't talk sex in a good way--they're very DEEP.

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starrysky
Now that I know there were other asexuals at the same time I went through this stage of my life, I am curious to know if others felt the same way as youngins or did you think about trying sex to see if it would fit?

I was curious to try it the first time, just to see what it was like. Because if you say you're not interested in it, everyone under the sun will say "you'll change your mind once you do it." So I was very curious to see 1. what the big deal was, and 2. I was expecting to change my mind once I did it, because everyone said I would.

As it turns out, I'm still not sure what the big deal is, and I did not change my mind afterwards.

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UnicornLady

I've had a few offers to relieve me of my virginity, but always refused. It would be a betrayal: of myself, and of the other people concerned, because I could not give them the kind of relationship they wanted. The act itself always struck me as icky and messy and undignified. If other people want to do it, fine, but don't ask me to get involved.

As a child I didn't go in for making mud pies, and never understood why we were expected to do finger-painting at primary school when there were perfectly good brushes available. Why do anything messy when you can avoid it?

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roddy9uk

As a child I didn't go in for making mud pies, and never understood why we were expected to do finger-painting at primary school when there were perfectly good brushes available. Why do anything messy when you can avoid it?

Hardly a heavy sociological point..but..as you have said elsewhere you were a student in the 80's I presume you were at primary school in the 70's (when the concept of "finger-painting"/children as supposed to make a mess/it is a form of discovery/self-ecxpression was all the vogue. I was at Primary school in the 50's and all I can say is that at 5 I was spanked for "making a mess" while painting..lol

roddy

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funaladanaly

Should I ever become married, I am willing to try sex. It doesn't mean I'm looking forward to it or that I'd want to all the time, but I'll try it. Especially since I am ok with the thought of having kids one day.

Its important for people to think this through for themselves. I definitely will not have sex before marriage.

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UnicornLady
Hardly a heavy sociological point..but..as you have said elsewhere you were a student in the 80's I presume you were at primary school in the 70's (when the concept of "finger-painting"/children as supposed to make a mess/it is a form of discovery/self-ecxpression was all the vogue. I was at Primary school in the 50's and all I can say is that at 5 I was spanked for "making a mess" while painting..lol

Yes - I started school in 1970. (Am now nearly 41).

I've always been revolted by the idea of messy things being 'fun' - which is one factor in my views re: sex.

Re: the generational attitudes issue, I had older than average parents, especially my mother, who is 10 years older than my father; I always felt she was more like a strait-laced grandmother, and have tended to be closer to my father.

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