A Challenge: How about dipping our toes in the water?

[QuixoticGal]

Hi to all the older asexuals (and younger ones who are listening in). I wrote several posts in support of this forum so I thought I should post my thoughts here early on. One of my reasons for supporting the older forum is that I sensed there are many older “lurkers” out there who may be lurking for three primary reasons. 1) We are uncomfortable with and/or unknowledgeable about internet conversations and their flow, etiquette, pacing, interplay, etc; 2) we feel unattached or disinterested toward existing posts and discussions; and/or 3) the idea of group interplay and discussion is not as appealing or rewarding to us as one-on-one conversations.

I feel this new forum gives those of us who may be in any of these categories an opportunity to build the confidence and/or structure needed to become more active and vocal. Maybe one of the ways we can use this forum (initially at least) is as a kind of kiddie pool? Use it as a place where those of us who need it can feel comfortable learning to love the water without interfering with “AVENites” who are swimming laps in the big pool.

There are probably many, many reasons for lurking, both detailed and general. So in this post I am asking why. What is it that causes you to stay in the background? I’m challenging lurkers (young or old) to create and/or respond to posts in this forum (or send a private post if you’re really uncomfortable opening up to this new way of communicating) and join in. If you’re a “lurker” share with me/us why. I know I’m interested in listening and understanding.

[HannaWyLady]

You pretty much said it in your post. I just didn't seem to have anything to contribute to the posts by the younger users of the board. Being single and childless I'm out of touch with what goes on in their world and lives. I also have full time custody and support of an 80 year old child now (ie my mom) and younger people for the most part haven't a clue and don't seem to be interested in all that that entails both good and bad.

[mackat5]

I tend to lurk in the background because I have always been basically very shy. In fact, you have here a poet who will not read her own material in public!! Let somebody else do that. But I am very interested in this site and hope it continues for a VERY loooong time!!

[KAGU143]

Well, I'm not a lurker NOW, but there was a gap of about a year and a half between the time that I first found AVEN and the time that I finally worked up enough nerve to join.

I was still sorting out my feelings about being asexual back then. One of my best friends had just died, and, while I was at his funeral, a mutual aquaintance of ours came out to me and admitted that he was gay. After I returned home I was doing some soul-searching, trying to figure out why that news had left me feeling relieved instead of distressed. I had to admit to myself that I was relieved because it meant that there was at least a CHANCE we could become friends without the awkwardness of a desire for a "closer" relationship (ie:sexual attraction) entering into the picture.

I had been trying to deny being asexual for almost 20 years, even though I had previously identified that way starting in the late 60's. I had long since given up and decided that I was the only asexual person on the planet, and that belief, coupled with religious brainwashing, had been a big part of me entering into a marriage that (with 20/20 hindsight) should never have taken place.

Suddenly I had discovered that there WERE other asexuals after all, and that bit of knowledge didn't sit very well with me when I looked around and honestly evaluated the situation I had gotten myself into by marrying a mentally disabled man. Rather than dwell on it, I just moved on to other websites and tried to put it out of my mind. I still remember - the first time I saw AVEN there were only 62 members. By the time I finally got around to joining there were 750!

-Greybird

[mouth brooder]

Howdy people I haven't threaded with yet!

I joined way back in June 05 I believe, look to the left to see.

And it took me until a month ago when I started posting regularly.

For so long I viewed my asexuality as a kind of failure that I must keep to myself. And I kept hoping I would "grow out of it."

The more posts I read here about others finding themselves consistently bored, repulsed, irritated, or otherwise disinterested in actually "doing it" the more I realized THIS IS ME.

I'm fluent enough with pcs and internet, been posting in forums for years now, but I am not a gamer.

What I have been needing is fellowship with other aging asexuals. I have my hopes up because AVEN in general has for me proven to be the most open minded, cerebral, well mannered, validating online community I have ever mingled with.

Middle aged, I've been trying to be a big sister avenite to avenite youngsters, so I need a big sister and brother for myself.

[QuixoticGal]

Wow, just a few hours and HannaWyLady and mackat5 are rising to the challenge. Hurrah! It wasn't that hard was it?

Greybird, thanks for posting here and catching everyone up with your beginnings. I'm positive it helps us "newbies" to see that an experienced poster such as yourself lurked in the beginning.

Diogena, any ideas why you never became a "gamer"? Or for that matter, care to explain what a "gamer" is (in your terms) for those who might not know?

[Ziffler]

QuixoticGal...

What is it that causes you to stay in the background? I’m challenging lurkers (young or old) to create and/or respond to posts in this forum

Nice thread. Somthing that is needed.

I have one more possibilty why lurkers may not post.

(4) Being an older asexual and growing up during a time in society when such things were not discussed, you may not feel comfortable discussing your personal life with strangers or anyone.

My answer. You don't have to discuss your life. You can be as open or as withheld as you wish.

My suggestion is to ask a question. When you read a post that interests you, but you don't want to reveal your life, ask a question about what you read. Further information or clarification, or how did you feel when you went through this? You won't be inturding. The person would not have made the post if they weren't willing to discuss that topic. If something is too personal, they will say so and politely not answer.

I have been on boards now for 8 years, and have become comfortable with them. Some more than others. This is a friendly place. As you read, you will discover that posters are not flamed. Flamed means attacked personally for what they posted. This happens on alot of boards but thus far I haven't seen it here at AVEN.

So go for it. Ask a question? Boards are a shy persons release. :D

[mouth brooder]

By gamer mostly I mean computer gamer or role play gamer. There are lots of gamers on this site, hence their style of posting--if you ever wondered what was going on in a JFF thread, for example.

But in a way I guess I am a gamer because I like to turn other people's meanings inside out when it seems they are in the mood to do the same with me.

Any controversial thread tempts me to play this way.

[Amcan]

*young whippersnapper pops in*

I had to respond to diogena's point.

You know I never thought of myself as a gamer.

I don't play RPG (role palying games) but you may have noticed I go a bit mad in JFF at times.

In my case it was just something I had picked up from the internet the way I out stuff like: *chases soandso* etc.

I'd been doing it in other places before I found AVEN (and not just other forums) and hadn't thought of it in a role playing sense.

I wonder if it's just I've grown up with that and therefore see it just something that happens.

And I just realised I even startd my post with something that might be construed as a 'gaming convention.' :shock:

[Ziffler]

diogena...

if you ever wondered what was going on in a JFF thread, for example.

Amcan...

I don't play RPG (role palying games) but you may have noticed I go a bit mad in JFF at times.

And I just realised I even startd my post with something that might be construed as a 'gaming convention.'

Now I know I'm old. I haven't the foggest clue as to what either of you are talking about. :D :D :D

[Hallucigenia]

Barely-legal on-again-off-again JFFite here. I do play roleplaying games sometimes, although I'm not very good at it, and I seldom play video or computer games, except sometimes the ones where you get to build stuff.

I don't really think of the stuff that goes on in JFF as an extension of roleplaying experience. Rather, I think of them both as an extension of the kind of play I used to do when I was a little kid. You know - "Let's play that I'm a dinosaur and you're a horse and we can't touch the floor because it's lava..." You just go on making things up and it entertains you for hours.

Roleplaying games take that kind of playful urge and add an adult sense of continuity, realism, scorekeeping, and other vestiges of order. JFF goes in slightly the other direction, I think. Personally, I find it a refreshing way to unwind after school and such things, although I see why it wouldn't be for everybody.

I forget what kind of a point I was trying to make with all this, but perhaps you will find it informative?

[Hallucigenia]

Now I know I'm old. I haven't the foggest clue as to what either of you are talking about. :D :D :D

OK! Backing up and trying to explain the basic terms being used.

JFF is an acronym for the "Just For Fun" forum, which is one of the busiest ones AVEN has. Many of the threads in JFF are posting games of one kind or another, but there are also several that go on for dozens or hundreds of pages about... well, it's hard to tell. One minute people will be chasing one another, the next they will be arguing about ducks, and then they will be pretending to light someone's beard on fire. Then maybe there will be some puns or something. Along the way, people will develop some very arcane and complicated inside jokes, such as which ones of them are Borg and which aren't. (Borg are cyborgs from Star Trek.) "PEOPLE OF THE PURPLE PLANET! I MEAN YOU NO HARM!!!" is an excellent example.

RPGs are "role-playing games", which in its loosest form is a term for any game where you pretend to be part of a story. Many role-playing games, such as Dungeons & Dragons, are played on a table with a bunch of friends and some dice. Everybody decides to be an elf wizard or a dwarf fighter or whave have you, and then they go around and pretend to fight evil monsters, save the kingdom, and so on and so forth. (There are also roleplaying games that are set in a modern or science-fiction setting or what have you.) Other role-playing games are played with a computer or a video-game platform, or even acted out in real life with Nerf weapons (this is called LARPing, for Live Action Role-Play).

The reason that insane JFF threads might be confused with a role-playing game is probably just because people tend to claim that they are doing things - such as the *wanders in* example that Amcan just gave. Actually, though, plenty of young people these days use this sort of action tag in their written communication even if they aren't gamers. I have no scientific data, but I would chalk it up to the prevalence of instant messaging and e-mail communication. People are with each other in the flesh less, and with each other as text more, so it's very common to see actions like *hugs* and *waves* on the Internet between young people of almost any group. It's not quite the same thing as roleplaying, although it's perfectly possible to roleplay in that format, and sometimes the line between the two is fuzzy.

I hope that this helped and didn't just confuse you all even further ;)

[mouth brooder]

You just won the point you forgot you were trying to make.

[Ziffler]

Yeppers. It's as clear as mud, Now! :D :D :D

Actually you did a magnificent job of explaining it all.

I have actually been to JFF and found it not to my liking. Reason, I'm out of the loop. I tried roleplaying when dungeons and dragons first came onto the scene, eons ago. I found I had a serious deficiency in that area.

To be a good roleplayer I felt, and it may not be true, but for me it is, that you need to be confident in yourself, which I am not. You have to be able to take on a new persona and be that persona without embarrassment or self conciousness. I can't do that. Tried, but it never worked.

JFF won't work for me for another reason. You need a sense of humor. I don't have one. I have always taken life way to seriously. It's my personality. If I make a joke, it's accidental, never on purpose. Sometimes I will get replies to a post, that remark on how funny something I said was. Believe me, the pun or joke was unintentional. If I had to make a living as a standup comedian, I would have starved to death ages ago.

Thanks for the instruction. At least now I know what people are talking about when they say JFF.

[Tanwen]

Zif, to have got to this stage in lfie, you gotta have a sense of humour (or, as they say where I come from 'assenesa umor'). Must admit I enjoy JFF, it has been mentioned (by a number of people in the early days of my posting history) that a one point it was just about the only forum I posted to.

Noww, of course, I have another...though I still have to do three night shifts a week.

[KAGU143]

I don't go to JFF much anymore because it is so busy that I can't keep up.

I try to focus mainly on the forums that I am supposed to be modding as well as admods (in case I need to know something) and, now, I am spending a bit more time here in the Oldies Forum as well.

I DO like the first person, present tense interjections, though, and I adopted them shamelessly as soon as I saw how they worked.

*nods enthusiastically*

I think they fulfill a genuine need since text fails to convey tone of voice and body language. In real life conversations, those two aspects of speech convey more information than the verbal content.

I sorely miss them when I'm trying to communicate via typing.

-GB

[Amcan]

I'd like to say well done to Hallu for her explaination.

[Silly Green Monkey]

I've just started gaming, so I'm still taking characters which are exactly like me. I don't read JFF much, I stay out of all the threads whose titles don't interest me, I only read Thoughts, Doing, and the Wish thread if I feel like it. I'll read the D&D thread if it's new.

However, I learned all the first-person actions from frequenting a chat room.

[vikingo]

*joins group of enthusiastically nodding avenites* :)

[ghosts]

Yeah, I have some trouble getting involved in JFF sometimes. I post in some threads like "What are you thinking" and "What are you doing", and occasionally some of the game threads- like an association thread- but sometimes I feel a bit awkward getting involved in all of the big threads there.

[Elizabeth I]

There are probably many, many reasons for lurking, both detailed and general. So in this post I am asking why. What is it that causes you to stay in the background?

Although I do post on occasion, I have noticed that my posts do not generate a great deal of response.

It may be that I tend to rant ...and perhaps folks really don't care to read my sometimes long rambling posts, but I have considered the fact that the vast majority of folks on the site are young(er) folks... and they just can't relate.

I'm not a particularly skilled writer....or typist, so I spend a great deal of time on each post. Often by the time I am done with them, I don't even want to read back through them to edit, then you have to select and pusha button that says "submit" ...

So I guess the PRIMARY reason I don't post more often is because I am a lonely, miserable old hag who has never been able to "compromise" ( hmm ...that's not looking right no matter how I spell it!) enough to keep someone in my life.

I suspect I have at least one or two more (rants) brewing though. When the time seems right I'll probably unleash them ...HERE!

Lizzie

[winter]

alright, i know i'm considered a young'un, but i'd like to jump in here. i've always enjoyed (and often preferred) the company of those older than me, because sometimes the nonsense and lack of grasp on reality of those my age just gets to me. in this case, though, i think there's much to be learned from our older a's, and i'd like to pick up any pearls of wisdom you'd care to share.

i don't post as much as i once did because 1. i don't always have a lot to say and 2. places like jff where one would go to post if one didn't have much to say related to asexuality are just a little overwhelming for me.

but this i think i can handle. so, i'm-a just poke around here if that's alright with everyone. i think it should be great fun.

[Goonie]

ok... the secret to JFF (also not a gamer) just reply to the post above you. I am generally finding that I don't have the time to keep up with everything like I used to, so I just reply to certain threads.

I may pop in here from time to time as a voice from a youngin' and because I like reading what people with more life experience say

[Nero laughed]

I think I am in the best of both worlds. Can I apply for a generational translater's job?? The secret of just for fun is to just 'goof off'.

[Ziffler]

winter.....

but this i think i can handle. so, i'm-a just poke around here if that's alright with everyone. i think it should be great fun.

Poke all you want to,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Just not toooooo hard.....

Remember we're old and bruise easy. :D :D :D

[Ziffler]

Elizabeth I...

"compromise" ( hmm ...that's not looking right no matter how I spell it!)

Looks right to me. :D :D :D

I try to respond to everyones posts if I can think of something to say that fits the topic or answers something that was said. Some days, I just don't feel like answering anything. Other days I answer way to many.

Typing isn't a problem for me, but I do have to edit what I write over and over, because of dyslexia. But sometimes I miss things and you will see my letters backwards on a word here and there. I didn't even realize I was dyslexic until I was much, much older. I have no problem reading like most dyslexics. I see words correctly, it's just when I write words that my mind says one thing and I write it backwards. :D :D :D

[Tanwen]

Dio, hope you have by now realise it's no failure on your part that you're A. I didn't post for some months after joining (made up for it since though :lol: ). we're all individuals and do the best we can (without hurting others in the process)

[Amcan]

Goonie

ok... the secret to JFF (also not a gamer) just reply to the post above you. I am generally finding that I don't have the time to keep up with everything like I used to, so I just reply to certain threads.

I may pop in here from time to time as a voice from a youngin' and because I like reading what people with more life experience say

Same here. The older members of AVEN are a very important part of the community IMHO.

[forest crone]

Quixotic Gal thank you. With your usual style you have managed once again to hit the nail on the head. I am a lurker! I consider myself computer challenged, I do not game. So many of the discussions here are so beond me.

[Lors]

Another young one here. I don't know whether I'll be posting much in this forum, but I'll definately be poking in regularly.

Elizabeth IAlthough I do post on occasion, I have noticed that my posts do not generate a great deal of response.

I just wanted to say that it's important to remember that just because people don't response directly to you or quote you doesn't mean they don't care about what you've said or that they haven't read or thought about it. This was something that put me off posting at first too, but like Ziffler said, somedays i'll reply to almost anything, other days nothing.

Quixotic Gal, this is a great idea for a thread. (Hope it doesn't go too off-topic, but this is AVEN...)

As for JFF, I've been told the secret behind it many times, but I still can't get into it. I feel like I'm being so false, and just doing it to fit in, which I'm not going to do. The weird thing is when I was younger I loved playing games like that, but it'll been a long time since I've been on the same wavelength of someone.

forest crone, I hope you are able to post a bit more now. If you have any questions about computers or posting or forums, there are lots of people around here very willing to answer.