Welcome Older Asexuals

[summerain]

Hi all...I am home here..at 62 i have never felt like i had some place to feel like it is home...i hope one day to fnd a great guy to be friends with and hang out together. I miss laughing and having that bond.

KAREN

[shh_silence]

i am 39 and i feel older , but seems i am alone in here , are all the oldest older already dead? am i the only older who still alive LOL .

[roddy9uk]

i am 39 and i feel older , but seems i am alone in here , are all the oldest older already dead? am i the only older who still alive LOL .

Not quite..:) Some of us are around.

[locogirlp]

Hello, all! I'm not sure exactly where to "introduce" myself but it looks like this is the best place to go about it. So here's my story, in a nutshell.

I'm 41, divorced. Have a teenaged daughter. My ex and I were married for 17 years and he was and is really a pretty great guy. What imploded our marriage was sexual incompatibility, which is probably (I am assuming) a "been there, done that" story for some of you too. My ex and I tried to work it out I suppose but in the end it became too wide a chasm to cross. I initiated the divorce and I did so because I needed my freedom from the weight of obligation and guilt, as well as knew he needed his to find a partner that would be deeply fulfilling to him in ways that I could not. He and I both agree that this was the best choice for us. We have maintained our love and respect for each other and our daughter has adapted very well, even going so far to say to me that she thinks she and I have a better relationship now. And yes, we do I'm thrilled to say. :)

I've done enough reading on here to see that there are many "types" of asexuals. I don't know where I fit in here really and don't much care, I am who I am. And that is:

In the beginning of a relationship I desire sex with the object of my affections because (I have learned) it is a pathway for me. I am one of those that consider sex a bonding experience at the beginning of a relationship. I feel it is imperative at that point as it is one of the only ways to sew a particular thread in the tapestry of an intimate relationship. It -- to me -- is part of the weaving of trust and security and is one of the bricks that one lays down as the relationship is built. But after a time and once it has been used to sew the pieces together, I desire to lay that thread aside for good. It is as if it has performed its purpose and now it is on to the next phase!

There is another reason the oxytocin phase (I call it NRE for "New Relationship Energy") is vital to me. It is the only time that sex feels good to me -- i.e., before it becomes boring and vaguely disgusting. I have a medical condition called dyspareunia (painful intercourse) that has severely curtailed my interest in sex. Sex was never all that compelling to begin with anyway for me. This condition has heightened my enjoyment of NRE sex because since sex is painful to me, in order to perform it I must gain more pleasure from it than pain....and that only happens during the NRE phase. After those chemicals fade, there is no reason, nor desire, nor interest. Physical interaction merely represents pain.

I desire to be affectionate and loving and flirty.....all these things demonstrate my love and respect. I simply do not wish to be held accountable or responsible for the sexual satisfaction of another human being. I do not find sex compelling enough to even make the effort. Sex does nothing for me except make me slightly queasy. :)

Anyway, I guess that's about it. I certainly hope I "fit in" around here. Thanks for listening/reading.

[KAGU143]

It sounds to me like you will feel right at home here, locogirlp.

Welcome to AVEN!

There might be some who will contest whether or not you are a "true" asexual, but don't let them worry you.

We aren't all exactly alike but we still have a lot in common and that is what really matters.

-GB

[locogirlp]

It sounds to me like you will feel right at home here, locogirlp.

Welcome to AVEN!

There might be some who will contest whether or not you are a "true" asexual, but don't let them worry you.

We aren't all exactly alike but we still have a lot in common and that is what really matters.

-GB

Thank you Greybird.

Yes, I can see that some would contest whether I am a "true" or pure asexual. Heck, I'd be the first to do the same! 'm definitely not in the same category as those that have never had sexual feelings of any kind and I have no intention of trying to fit my square peg into that round hole. Hopefully that will stave off any feelings of defensiveness that may arise. :)

That said, I am definitely not a sexual person either. I've done my share of experimentation in order to gauge my enjoyment levels and make an educated, self-aware decision, and I have learned that other than the moments when I am experiencing NRE, sex is pretty meaningless to me. Thinking about it makes me utter a silent "ewwww." I move through my daily life with little to no thought about sex or any of its components. I find people attractive but in an aesthetic sense, not a sexual one.

Now, romance is not meaningless to me. Companionship is not. I value these things greatly and miss them in my everyday life. I just don't feel like I need to become someone's domesticated sex animal in order to obtain these things. My worth should not be measured upon what my body is able to give, but rather what my soul can.

I have also discovered that I have felt this way for decades. I didn't really understand this about myself when I was younger. If I had some sort of inkling or idea, I pushed it aside to fulfill what my romantic heart desired -- a lifelong companion and an everlasting love. I thought my "soulmate" would inspire me to find sex much more compelling that I actually did. What I found instead was that sex was an onerous duty, one to avoid if at all possible. It was repetitive and boring and I was completely unable to arouse any interest in it no matter how much I tried. It feels like work, plain and simple. Not only that, but it.....well....it's gross. :) I certainly don't miss it right now and feel I could happily go through my life without any more sex.

However, here is my conundrum: finding someone that matches my needs. A man who -- like me -- enjoys sex in its capacity as a relationship "foundation layer" when hopped up on the dopamine highs of NRE but who will be perfectly content to forget completely about sex when those chemicals drain away. I sometimes think I'm looking for a unicorn; that no man would ever feel that way. So here I am, hoping at least to feel like I'M not the unicorn because I think sex isn't the be-all and end-all but simply a rather miniscule piece in my personal human puzzle.

[Perri]

I'm 48, been asexual all my life (I have the sexual track record or lack there of to prove it). I consider myself a spinster. It's still re-affirming to find others my age who are like me.

[Shaggy]

It sounds to me like you will feel right at home here, locogirlp.

Welcome to AVEN!

There might be some who will contest whether or not you are a "true" asexual, but don't let them worry you.

We aren't all exactly alike but we still have a lot in common and that is what really matters.

-GB

Thank you Greybird.

Yes, I can see that some would contest whether I am a "true" or pure asexual. Heck, I'd be the first to do the same! 'm definitely not in the same category as those that have never had sexual feelings of any kind and I have no intention of trying to fit my square peg into that round hole. Hopefully that will stave off any feelings of defensiveness that may arise. :)

That said, I am definitely not a sexual person either. I've done my share of experimentation in order to gauge my enjoyment levels and make an educated, self-aware decision, and I have learned that other than the moments when I am experiencing NRE, sex is pretty meaningless to me. Thinking about it makes me utter a silent "ewwww." I move through my daily life with little to no thought about sex or any of its components. I find people attractive but in an aesthetic sense, not a sexual one.

Now, romance is not meaningless to me. Companionship is not. I value these things greatly and miss them in my everyday life. I just don't feel like I need to become someone's domesticated sex animal in order to obtain these things. My worth should not be measured upon what my body is able to give, but rather what my soul can.

I have also discovered that I have felt this way for decades. I didn't really understand this about myself when I was younger. If I had some sort of inkling or idea, I pushed it aside to fulfill what my romantic heart desired -- a lifelong companion and an everlasting love. I thought my "soulmate" would inspire me to find sex much more compelling that I actually did. What I found instead was that sex was an onerous duty, one to avoid if at all possible. It was repetitive and boring and I was completely unable to arouse any interest in it no matter how much I tried. It feels like work, plain and simple. Not only that, but it.....well....it's gross. :) I certainly don't miss it right now and feel I could happily go through my life without any more sex.

However, here is my conundrum: finding someone that matches my needs. A man who -- like me -- enjoys sex in its capacity as a relationship "foundation layer" when hopped up on the dopamine highs of NRE but who will be perfectly content to forget completely about sex when those chemicals drain away. I sometimes think I'm looking for a unicorn; that no man would ever feel that way. So here I am, hoping at least to feel like I'M not the unicorn because I think sex isn't the be-all and end-all but simply a rather miniscule piece in my personal human puzzle.

Hi locogirlp,

:) Ditto :) (as Patrick Swayze said some years ago)

and simply the thought of fitting a square peg into a round hole has me crossing my legs & wincing !! :D

An additional challenge I've found, as a soft hearted & probably soft headed bloke, is the expectation that hugs, cuddles, caressing et al 'should usually' be a precursor to penetrative sex.

I just like the hugs, cuddles & caresses. (Did I remember the 'full-stop' after 'caresses'? Yep, sure did.)

Sharing the inanity of humanity would be wonderful, but sex is too high a price to pay for that blessing.

Still, I've managed to collect bunches of MILs, FILs, SILs & BILs whilst 'paying the sexual piper', & they're a blessing, each & every one of them.

Hope you stumble upon a unicorn on your own continent, we've only got kangaroos & they're worse than rabbits.

[je_suis_napoleon]

I consider myself a spinster.

I LOVE the word "spinster." It has such a nice ring to it. I'm 35, and I often use the word to describe myself.

[JustJudy]

wow Locogirl reading your post I was wondering who copied my journal from about 10 years ago! and then I saw you live in the same area as me and got truly spooked! Posts on AVEN amaze me all the time reading that others are like me and up until I found this site I always thought I was the only "weird" one. Welcome to AVEN, have some and stock up on it and prepare for the heavy rains this weekend!

[Tanwen]

As I've said elsewhere, the brain is still 17...unfortunately the body most definately isn't! When it comes to a battle between the two, there's no contest really - the body just says 'Get real' and refuses to join in.

[lunagirl]

I'm 35 and just found this site yesterday,Happy to know I'm not alone

[Tanwen]

Great to learn that, isn't it? I still remember how I felt when I found AVEN (almost 4 years ago now) it was so liberating, I wasn't alone and best of all, I wasn't a freak.

[Teresa48]

Wow, I forget how I came across this website, but what a relief to know others feel as I do. I know that my asexuality comes from early tramua, but I'm tired of trying to fix it. It has always been a HUGE ISSUE in any relationship I have ever had. My last relationship was seven years ago, and he left me because of my lack of interest. I've always tried to go along with the whole sexual activity because I knew it was expected of me, and it was always the last thing I wanted to do in a relationship and the last thing I missed when the relationship ended (as they all terminated due to my lackluster enthusiasm). I like being close to someone and snuggling--but in my previous relationships, it was a signal to my partner that I wanted to have sex. No! Wrong! I've gone to many counselors (one wacko therapist told me I should watch porno tapes), and finally my recent therapist said, "If you're happy the way you are, you shouldn't try to change it and just accept it." YES! YES! I was only trying to be like other people because I really thought I was abnormal. So now I can relax and not meet any expectations other than my own. :D

[Hammerhead]

Teresa48,

Let me be the 1st to welcome you to AVEN. Yes, surprise and relief is a common reaction when someone finds this site, it was for me. Those feelings of being abnormal or weird or something's just not right are common. It's nice to find out your'e not alone.

The people on this site are very nice so stick around, post if you want, and enjoy. Finally let me offer you some traditional .

Hammerhead

[Minervita]

Welcome to the new older asexuals forum!

Thanks for your patience whilst waiting for this forum to be created.

Tanwen will be your moderator.

It's up to you older asexuals what gets posted here, whatever you wish.

I am going to say we're not going to limit who is older if you are 'older' and you have a topic that might suit this forum then please feel free to post it.

'Younger' members of the board bear in mind this is a forum for discussing issues that might face 'older' asexuals. Again we dion't have age mimits. Everyone is free to post here but bear in mind the nature of this forum.

I hope you enjoy using this new forum.

Any problems or confusion please let me know.

Amcan

Admin

Yippie! does that mean I can stop leaving my walker by the door?

[Shaggy]

Yippie! does that mean I can stop leaving my walker by the door?

LOL & Welcome Minervita (cause is traditional, friendly & yum.)

No 'walkers' in AVEN ...

here, ...

even the oldest of us ...

SOARS

AIN'T IT WONDROUS? :D

[chatterbox]

I guess at 60 ....I can claim "senior" member rights???

Cherie

========

Welcome to the new older asexuals forum!

Thanks for your patience whilst waiting for this forum to be created.

Tanwen will be your moderator.

It's up to you older asexuals what gets posted here, whatever you wish.

I am going to say we're not going to limit who is older if you are 'older' and you have a topic that might suit this forum then please feel free to post it.

'Younger' members of the board bear in mind this is a forum for discussing issues that might face 'older' asexuals. Again we dion't have age mimits. Everyone is free to post here but bear in mind the nature of this forum.

I hope you enjoy using this new forum.

Any problems or confusion please let me know.

Amcan

Admin

[Shaggy]

I guess at 60 ....I can claim "senior" member rights???

Cherie

=======

Hmmm ... I dunno ... You might just squeak it in i reckon. :)

So ... what exactly are these "rights"?

Not surely, ...

[Tanwen]

Everyone has the right to regardless of age... :D ...my big 6-0 is next year...free prescriptions, bus pass and my pension....which means I'll be able to cut back on my hours at work... :lol:

[locogirlp]

Sorry for my disappearance, went on a rather long vacation. :)

Thanks, JustJudy.....and yes, I noticed you were from my part of the country as well. Isn't that spooky? I'm also glad to know that there are people that feel like I do around. I don't feel like such a sore thumb.

Welcome to everyone that's joined and have some on me!

Loco

[alistair]

hi all, i am new here, like a new boy at school. as many must have said, i did not know....... i have now found others who have had the same experieance as me, i am not alone, and all those other exclamations. It all begins to become clearer, I am approaching 60 so i feel i am n the right place, i have had 2 marriages both ending in divorce as my need, desire for sex gets past the first flash of the new, i neede the hug and a bit of closeness and as for the rest it did not seem relevant, i just was not interested. that does not mean that i didnot love my partner but i just did not feelcomfortable about sex, i felt very nervous all the time.

i need some contacts/friends who i can share with so if anyone is out there do drop me a line,

i am in the uk, in the southwest, in devon where it is very cold and wintery, the trees are stark and leafless and are standing nakd against a steel grey sky, very still, hardly moving as if scared they may be found out, a bit like i feel right now.

this site is very complicated so i hope i have got this far without making a mistake and this message will get to someone,

anyway i look forward to hearing from some one

regards alistair

[Shaggy]

Welcome Aboard alistair, great to have you here. :)

I found AVEN 12 weeks ago, so ... still a bit newish myself, and definitely found it daunting at first.

This was the first 'Forum' I'd ever come across.

Still, ... trial and error, ... I'm getting the hang of it, and most folk on this site seem very tolerant. :D

I liked your post.

Your experience seems to mirror mine in many ways, but ... only two wives (?) what have you been doing with your time? :P

I don't envy you this season in Merry Olde England. Sun & sand, Barbies & beaches here.

I look forward to seeing you on the Boards. Hope you get lots from them.

And here is some traditional welcoming cake for you

[KAGU143]

Welcome to AVEN, alistair.

You have definitely come to the right place!

:D

We serve welcome cake! :cake:

-GB

[Tanwen]

Welcome to another Brit, glad to have you here and have some more welcome (don't worry, fat and calorie free and free from additives and anything else that may harm you...;) ) I get my free bus pass next year - but then I am female...gotta be some advantage to it...:D

Don't worry about making mistakes, I still do and I've been here 4 years - in fact, I make it a point of honour... :lol:

[alistair]

Welcome to another Brit, glad to have you here and have some more welcome (don't worry, fat and calorie free and free from additives and anything else that may harm you...;) ) I get my free bus pass next year - but then I am female...gotta be some advantage to it...:D

Don't worry about making mistakes, I still do and I've been here 4 years - in fact, I make it a point of honour... :lol:

Thanks for all your welcomes, and the cake is fine.

I have so much to say a lot of it is going to come out all jumbled so I shall take my time.

Answers are floating to the surface of my conciousness, like the fact that after having gone through sex i felt so releived and sort of ''now i can relax and go back to being me again'' but not wanting isolation but a sence of being close.

And I have been puzzeled that compared to other men,(I have very few men friends) I don't seem to be preoccupied with sex all the time, they talk a lauguage I dont understand.

talk to all again soon

lol

alistair

[stressed55]

loooking for advice, from older folks,,,,, perhaps this is where i can find it???

[stressed55]

hello,, i am in a marriage,, still, but i have no desire for sex anymore,, i dont know if i ever did,, just the romance,, husband and i have sexless marriage, but try to get by,,, he is more and more unhappy with this, which makes me more and more unhappy and guilty. i am actually finding out that he is bi sexual,, after 18 years of marriage, and he is carrying on affairs on cyber sex now... he denies the affairs..... IMAGINE THAT,,,,,,, i only had sex when i was drunk, and then never really enjoyed it..... i love my husband, but i am wondering,, if i should just let his sex on line go on,, and ignore it,, we have a good relationship ,, friends,, same ideas,, so we can stay married,, i dont want to leave him,, or really he does not want to leave me,,, can a relationship go on like, this,, i am jealous of his sex without, me, but since i would rather not have sex,,,, why not let him,,,,,,,, he is kind, and caring .. a good person,,,,,,,,

[Shaggy]

Hi stressed,

I 'self identify' as one of the "older folk", even though one of my nieces describes me as more, "ancient". :D

First of all, Welcome to AVEN.

Cake is our traditional gift to newcomers, so ...

Quite a few of us here have been, or are, in similar situations to yours, you are not alone.

Even so, it's not easy, nor are there easy answers to your "wonderings".

I hope you'll spend plenty of time reading the past posts on AVEN, they have helped me immensely.

The "For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies" and "Asexual Relationships" forums also have helpful ideas.

You and your hubby seem to have pretty strong bonds,

and good reasons to work on making your relationship all it can be. Congratulations to you both.

Relationships like yours can "go on" (as you put it).

But with a little more knowledge and understanding and communication, they could be wondrous.

Cheers and all the best. :)

[Tanwen]

There are many times when I think even a bad relationship is better than being alone...but as there are no elderly asexual men around here and it would be unreasonable for a sexual to go without sex then there is no option. It seems as though you have the possibility of a good working relationship - if you communicate. If neither of you wants to end the marriage it would seem like a good starting point. Try to work out exactly what you objections are - if you write them down then you may be able to reason your way through this.

Don't throw the 'baby out with the bathwater'. YOu have something you both want to keep. Work at it. And the best of luck!