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Are sexuals and asexuals really compatible?

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Telecaster68
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I don't know if I agree with the talking/not talking comparison, but it's pretty tricky to find something to actual compare sex with.

It is and it doesn't work as a comparison on all levels, but especially when talking about this stuff with asexuals, I like it because it emphasises that the entire point is the interaction between two specific people, and if one refuses to talk, it means stops the other person doing it too. The interaction is where the pleasure comes from, not just getting off, which is a common misconception. It also allows for the wide variety of types of sex, just as in conversation, and why rejection is about more than just not getting to do something you enjoy. It's the same as your partner just refusing to talk to you ever again.

 

Of course in practice, one partner would just go and talk friends instead (you'd rather talk to your partner, but at least this way you're getting some human contact). But having sex with other people isn't something that people take in their stride.

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Apostle
On 9/2/2017 at 0:24 PM, alpha decay said:

it is :D I'm impressed by how well he deals with life without actually having sex XD it's really easy to share life with someone like him. <3

But he may be suffering inside and not telling you.........................just like I am with my asexual partner.

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straightouttamordor

I would say no. Unless it didn't bother you that they had sex with someone. Even then they may still want to abandon you and go be with the sexual partner for good. If you can get past those things then maybe the answer is yes. 

The 1% number of the population makes asexuals attempt to have a relationship with sexuals simply because there are so few fellow asexuals to connect with and the geographical distance may be great. 

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Apostle
On 9/2/2017 at 0:30 PM, alpha decay said:

indeed it must be the luck :o the world would be an easier place to live if more men were like this, instead of thinking about certain things all the time. 

so maybe not every person, but the chance of meeting someone like this is rather low anyway :o

I think you are disrespecting the majority of sexual men who respect all sorts of humans in various forms. Not all testosterone fueled men (or some women even) are aggressive sex fiends, something you seem to be suggesting. It's all down to educating those who are ignorant of the facts and perhaps being misinformed by other ignoramuses as they grow into adults.

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Apostle
On 9/15/2017 at 2:26 AM, prib23 said:

The 1% number of the population makes asexuals attempt to have a relationship with sexuals simply because there are so few fellow asexuals to connect with and the geographical distance may be great. 

1%? Well, you could always connect with the 90% of asexuals in this website, couldn't you? Perhaps you already have.

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alibali

We asexuals take your point we really do, but even asexuals are drawn to other people in the normal course of life who are perfect company for them, just as sexuals may be drawn to an asexual who is perfect for them in every way, other than the sexual aspect.  Please stop putting all the blame on the asexual for getting on well with a sexual. I don't see sexual people as only interested in sex, so I object to being seen as someone who has to be caged in a tiny community! 

 

Actually I had a great stimulating conversation yesterday with an intelligent lovely bloke who obviously felt sorry for me going home to my solo ready meal and felt it was necessary to tell me about his wife before he ran away...lololol....don't worry mate, I am not interested! I just enjoyed talking to someone intelligent. I am not interested in a relationship.

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Telecaster68

Ali

 

You're right, there are many asexuals who know there's more to everybody than wanting or not wanting sex, btut there's a regular flow of comments on AVEN about how sexuals only care about sex because they see the lack of it as justifying breaking up. 

 

It's not so much that asexuals should be caged in to one percent of the population who are also asexual, it's that the chances of a 'mixed' relationship not being painful and ultimately failing are way greater than succeeding. I've been on AVEN a couple of years and I think I've come across about half a dozen that seem genuinely happy long term, and then only after a period of painful reassessment, and most seem to be where the sexual partner is very low libido anyway (like only wanting sex once a month or less). The unhappiness is as much on the asexual side as sexual. Other variants include one side finding themselves unable to compromise endlessly, open relationships that the asexual is anxious about, and both partners haunted with guilt about their own natural needs. 

 

When there's such a basic incompatibility, it's not a matter of 'ugh stay in your box asexuals', it's just recognising that the odds aren't good, despite AVEN's love of finding edge cases and desperately wanting them to be more common than they are. 

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[noize:injekktion]
2 hours ago, Apostle said:

I think you are disrespecting the majority of sexual men who respect all sorts of humans in various forms. Not all testosterone fueled men (or some women even) are aggressive sex fiends, something you seem to be suggesting. It's all down to educating those who are ignorant of the facts and perhaps being misinformed by other ignoramuses as they grow into adults.

73b8344832_seriously.jpg

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Serran
On 9/10/2017 at 9:22 AM, Telecaster68 said:

I don't think any sexual person would want their partner to do something they find painful or distressing, so if any kind of sexual activity is like that for you, it's pretty much much a dead end. And laying inertly with your eyes closed not moving (which is what asexuals do sometimes) feels rapey and horrible even if it's consensual. But that doesn't have to be the case if the asexual can find something they can engage with in sex (which obviously doesn't have to be PIV. There are other things.)

Unless they are like my ex, who didn't care much and just threw a blanket over my head if he got tired of the bored look. :P I offered alternatives of "If we can kiss and stuff during, I can focus on that" but he didn't like kissing, or even touching during sex beyond the minimum needed for genital contact. 

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Apostle
On 9/17/2017 at 1:52 PM, alpha decay said:

73b8344832_seriously.jpg

You're Rik Mayall aren't you Ha Ha. Always good for a laugh! :lol:

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Jsmith
On 8/11/2017 at 5:40 AM, Rawrth said:

Not all sexuals "need" to have sex with their partner. I'm shocked whenever I hear that someone wouldn't want to have a partner they couldn't have sex with. Love is love, and if that love is true love, it should be able to overcome abstinence. I'm not naive enough to believe everyone will have the same idea as me, but I know there are people who do. Sex isn't a requirement for compatibility. 

I don't really understand this. Most sexual I know need sex. I am sexual and one of the ways I love to connect with my partner is by sex. I love the closeness and intimacy of the act. I feel that I can give myself fully to my partner in the form of sex.

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Telecaster68
3 hours ago, Jsmith said:

I don't really understand this. Most sexual I know need sex. I am sexual and one of the ways I love to connect with my partner is by sex. I love the closeness and intimacy of the act. I feel that I can give myself fully to my partner in the form of sex.

There's a lot of wishful thinking from asexuals at times, jsmith... 

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MrDane

@Jsmith You cant always get what you want, and sometimes you need to settle for less in one area to gain more in another. Sex can be viewed as quite important to most sexuals, but a good and solid relationship is founded on more solid ground than orgasms. But to a lot of us, sexuals, it is the icing of the cake.

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alibali

My take on this is that desire for sex in a couple must be roughly similar.  But sex is not a requirement for love. I loved my parents and love my child. I love my friends. I loved my husband but not sexually and therein lay the rub. He believed I didn't love him because I didn't want sex. He is now my ex and I still care about him. I don't think he feels the same way because he equates sex with love.  I feel sad about it because he doesn't value friendship so now he has nobody.  But that is the problem with sex being so high on people's agendas. Less room and value for other relationships.

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Telecaster68

Obviously I can't speak for your husband, but for most sexuals, it's not about love equating to sex, it's about sex, for most people, being one of the ways in which a marriage-esque relationship is different to other relationships, and love is expressed in part through sex in marriage. And for most people, sexual or not, marriage is a primary relationship which *is* more important than others. That doesn't mean the other kinds of relationships that don't involve sex aren't important, but when the chips are down, your marital relationship comes first. So when a vital bit of marriage is missing, it becomes less of a marriage, whether that bit is sex, conversation, time, trust, etc., and over time that can erode enough of the marriage that it's too painful to continue, and the only way to deal with it is by reframing that relationship as something other than marriage. Sex tends to be the focus on AVEN because the site is about sex though, and it's a shame your husband can't continue the relationship as friends, while he perhaps finds a marriage-esque relationship with someone more suited.

 

I appreciate this is perhaps a subtle distinction, and one that asexuals have a hard time getting their heads round, but it's important, and dismissing the issue as sexuals equating love and sex is actually quite insulting to sexuals.

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MrDane

I like the analogy about talking. The "I do not find much joy in talking to you" equals quite good the feeling of "I do not find much joy in having sex with you. Never has and never will."

 

Yes, it is a bit of an odd thing, to need sex. Get over it! That is how most people are. It is average. It is normal. And what most people want is to love and be loved.

 

The big issue is whether  to seek a package-relationship that works on most levels or to discard when the flipside is to hard to fix or live with.

 

No sex = a  state of depression for me. Then it is difficult to receive love as the depression clouds my receiver.  That makes it hard to experience a full amount of happiness at the same time. It makes it necessary for the rest to compensate for that lack. Also quite stressfull for my enviroment. 

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alibali

I think you misunderstand me. I do not feel superior because I am not interested. I feel inferior because of what is obviously lacking for me to have a significant other. I don't feel depressed because of it, but of course it affects my lifestyle as well. I can't have a what you call "normal" relationship. I have had to come to terms with being odd. Yes it is hard for a sexual in an asexual relationship but at least you could probably find someone else like minded, though obviously giving up the asexual individual who is lacking something. Have a thought for them, doomed to most likely never meet anyone compatible.

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GLRDT
4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Obviously I can't speak for your husband, but for most sexuals, it's not about love equating to sex, it's about sex, for most people, being one of the ways in which a marriage-esque relationship is different to other relationships, and love is expressed in part through sex in marriage. And for most people, sexual or not, marriage is a primary relationship which *is* more important than others. That doesn't mean the other kinds of relationships that don't involve sex aren't important, but when the chips are down, your marital relationship comes first. So when a vital bit of marriage is missing, it becomes less of a marriage, whether that bit is sex, conversation, time, trust, etc., and over time that can erode enough of the marriage that it's too painful to continue, and the only way to deal with it is by reframing that relationship as something other than marriage. Sex tends to be the focus on AVEN because the site is about sex though, and it's a shame your husband can't continue the relationship as friends, while he perhaps finds a marriage-esque relationship with someone more suited.

 

I appreciate this is perhaps a subtle distinction, and one that asexuals have a hard time getting their heads round, but it's important, and dismissing the issue as sexuals equating love and sex is actually quite insulting to sexuals.

However, I've dating several sexuals who don't think sex is the only way to express love, but for them it was the deepest way where they felt the most emotionally connected to the other person during sex. So I would argue that for at least enough sexuals for me to have dated two for sure, that they wanted sex for that deeo love emotional connection as well as a physical connection. Everyone is different. 

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Telecaster68
On 08/10/2017 at 2:55 PM, GLRDT said:

However, I've dating several sexuals who don't think sex is the only way to express love, but for them it was the deepest way where they felt the most emotionally connected to the other person during sex. So I would argue that for at least enough sexuals for me to have dated two for sure, that they wanted sex for that deeo love emotional connection as well as a physical connection. Everyone is different. 

Absolutely. That's part of why it's important in a marriage.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

Everyone I have an important update to make! There is no such thing as sexual incompatibility between asexuals and sexuals, because asexuals can love and desire sex just as much as any sexual can! So to all the sexual partners of 'asexuals' here, it's obviously something else causing them to have no interest in partnered sexual interaction! :o

 

Sorry, sarcasm. But there really are people around here trying to promote the idea that asexuals are just as capable of desiring partnered sexual intimacy (and being as unhappy without it) as any sexual person. Damn, I bet every sexual here wishes they had an asexual partner like that.

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alibali

All the blame for lack of sex is pit squarely on asexuals.  I think some know quite young that they are asexual. However for many especially of the older generation we didn't realise there was such a thing so can hardly be to blame for not being upfront in a relationship. I didn't realise desire was important because I didn't have any. I assumed sex was supposed to be part of a marriage but not why.  But you can't sustain enthusiasm for something you get nothing from. That is why it is so difficult if you see it as duty but don't know why you don't have the same desire.

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AthenaFay

My opinion is that it can either never work, or, the only way it can work is with serious negative consequences for both parties.

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Apostle
On 10/11/2017 at 0:27 PM, alibali said:

All the blame for lack of sex is pit squarely on asexuals.  I think some know quite young that they are asexual. However for many especially of the older generation we didn't realise there was such a thing so can hardly be to blame for not being upfront in a relationship. I didn't realise desire was important because I didn't have any. I assumed sex was supposed to be part of a marriage but not why.  But you can't sustain enthusiasm for something you get nothing from. That is why it is so difficult if you see it as duty but don't know why you don't have the same desire.

Yes, sadly many if not most asexuals don't know they are just that. Makes it very difficult for a sexual though doesn't it, once in a relationship? 

As for compromise, I think this is an unwise direction to follow. The sexual will always know that the asexual is doing something that their partner possibly dislikes and the asexual is only doing it for romantic or companionship reasons. Quite sad really.

Not sure that asexuals should be blames for no sex though as it is not their fault. Their chemistry is just missing some ingredients, that's all. 

Isn't life cruel?

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Apostle
On 10/11/2017 at 6:02 AM, FictoVore. said:

Everyone I have an important update to make! There is no such thing as sexual incompatibility between asexuals and sexuals, because asexuals can love and desire sex just as much as any sexual can! So to all the sexual partners of 'asexuals' here, it's obviously something else causing them to have no interest in partnered sexual interaction! :o

 

Sorry, sarcasm. But there really are people around here trying to promote the idea that asexuals are just as capable of desiring partnered sexual intimacy (and being as unhappy without it) as any sexual person. Damn, I bet every sexual here wishes they had an asexual partner like that.

What!!!!!

The definition of asexuality is as follows:

'Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. It may be considered the lack of a sexual orientation, or one of the variations thereof, alongside heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality'.

 

Please explain?

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 hour ago, Apostle said:

What!!!!!

The definition of asexuality is as follows:

'Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. It may be considered the lack of a sexual orientation, or one of the variations thereof, alongside heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality'.

 

Please explain?

 Do you want me to explain why the idea that there is no such thing as sexual incompatibility between sexuals and asexuals is ridiculous? Or was it something else you were asking? :o

 

Also, there isn't actually an official definition of asexuality.. so people pretty much define it however they think is most accurate personally. So you get people identifying as asexual for such vastly different reasons as to render the label meaningless. 

 

When you have one person saying "I love sex and I can't be happy without it, but I don't care about appearance so I'm asexual" and another person saying "I can definitely find people attractive to look at and appreciate beauty etc, but I have no desire to actually have sex with anyone else no matter how attractive they are. I do masturbate, but I don't ever associate genital arousal with any desire to connect sexually with another person.. I'm happiest without partnered sex. This is why I'm asexual" then if those people are both legitimately asexual (because 'self identification' is the all important benchmark) then it really is a meaningless label. And of course, with the 'sex loving' asexuals, there is literally no sexual incompatibility between them and any other sexual person. They can screw like bunnies all day and may even wear the sexual person out lol, but hey, they're still asexual because they said they are :P

 

(Edit: just for clarification I was being sarcastic with the post you responded to. There are literally people here who insist the sexual attraction definition  means 'an asexual can love and desire sex but doesn't care who they have sex with' and these people are pretty much are calling anyone who says otherwise (like, that asexuals don't desire partnered sexual intimacy) uniformed and ignorant. If that was really the case, then there literally wouldn't be any sexual incompatibility between sexuals and asexuals so this entire thread, as well as almost every other thread in the sexual partners subforum, would be totally irrelevant. It must be something else that's stopping all the 'asexuals' from actively desiring sexual intimacy with their sexual partners because just being asexual doesn't actually mean you don't want partnered sex T_T

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Sally
1 hour ago, Apostle said:

Yes, sadly many if not most asexuals don't know they are just that. Makes it very difficult for a sexual though doesn't it, once in a relationship? 

As for compromise, I think this is an unwise direction to follow. The sexual will always know that the asexual is doing something that their partner possibly dislikes and the asexual is only doing it for romantic or companionship reasons. Quite sad really.

Not sure that asexuals should be blames for no sex though as it is not their fault. Their chemistry is just missing some ingredients, that's all. 

Isn't life cruel?

Actually, the sexual doesn't always know, and as far as difficulty, consider how difficult it is for someone to participate in an activity that they neither want nor enjoy because their  partner wants it, for years and years in a long marriage or relationship. 

 

As far as asexuals chemistry missing some ingredients, that's assuming that asexuals are basically handicapped.  Sexuals and asexuals are different; asexuals are not "less than".  

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Penguino

Love can conquer all

♥ ♥ ♥

 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
51 minutes ago, Penguino said:

Love can conquer all

♥ ♥ ♥

 

If only that were true :P

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alibali
On 22/10/2017 at 4:14 AM, WoodwindWhistler said:

Why is weird bad, again? 

 

12 hours ago, Apostle said:

Yes, sadly many if not most asexuals don't know they are just that. Makes it very difficult for a sexual though doesn't it, once in a relationship? 

As for compromise, I think this is an unwise direction to follow. The sexual will always know that the asexual is doing something that their partner possibly dislikes and the asexual is only doing it for romantic or companionship reasons. Quite sad really.

Not sure that asexuals should be blames for no sex though as it is not their fault. Their chemistry is just missing some ingredients, that's all. 

Isn't life cruel?

Not sure if it is chemicals....i think it is probably neurological or hormones would probably work.  Someone mentioned autism. I certainly am not autistic. But am inclined to think it is similar. Autistic people can learn to behave in certain ways to fit in better in let's say standard society, but behaviour is usually insufficient for a sexual partner as many threads suggest.

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alibali
11 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

 Do you want me to explain why the idea that there is no such thing as sexual incompatibility between sexuals and asexuals is ridiculous? Or was it something else you were asking? :o

 

Also, there isn't actually an official definition of asexuality.. so people pretty much define it however they think is most accurate personally. So you get people identifying as asexual for such vastly different reasons as to render the label meaningless. 

 

When you have one person saying "I love sex and I can't be happy without it, but I don't care about appearance so I'm asexual" and another person saying "I can definitely find people attractive to look at and appreciate beauty etc, but I have no desire to actually have sex with anyone else no matter how attractive they are. I do masturbate, but I don't ever associate genital arousal with any desire to connect sexually with another person.. I'm happiest without partnered sex. This is why I'm asexual" then if those people are both legitimately asexual (because 'self identification' is the all important benchmark) then it really is a meaningless label. And of course, with the 'sex loving' asexuals, there is literally no sexual incompatibility between them and any other sexual person. They can screw like bunnies all day and may even wear the sexual person out lol, but hey, they're still asexual because they said they are :P

 

(Edit: just for clarification I was being sarcastic with the post you responded to. There are literally people here who insist the sexual attraction definition  means 'an asexual can love and desire sex but doesn't care who they have sex with' and these people are pretty much are calling anyone who says otherwise (like, that asexuals don't desire partnered sexual intimacy) uniformed and ignorant. If that was really the case, then there literally wouldn't be any sexual incompatibility between sexuals and asexuals so this entire thread, as well as almost every other thread in the sexual partners subforum, would be totally irrelevant. It must be something else that's stopping all the 'asexuals' from actively desiring sexual intimacy with their sexual partners because just being asexual doesn't actually mean you don't want partnered sex T_T

Behaviour is different to desire. And sexuals want to be desired. All women at least and probably some men can actually have sex, but if their partners want them to desire it too....that is where the incompatibility lies. Not in the behaviour but in the feeling.

 

Note I do identify as asexual because I don't desire sex and I am pretty much indifferent to it. But feel free to disagree.

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